Tag: Ukraine

Weekend Update- Biden Meets with Zelenskyy in Ukraine, the Oscars’ Crisis Team

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Zelenskyy]

This week, President Biden made a historic visit to Ukraine and met with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy, where they greeted each other like two action figures having sex. Then on the one year anniversary of the war in Ukraine, both Biden and Vladimir Putin gave speeches about the conflict. There was a language barrier, but the subtitles helped me figure out what Biden was saying. Many Republicans are criticizing President Biden’s decision to go to the Ukraine instead of going to Ohio to deal with a toxic train derailment. But Biden said he was just waiting to shoot the train down until it was over the ocean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden is being praised for his surprise visit to Ukraine by taking a 10 hour train ride from Poland. You know who else takes a long ass train ride through an active war zone? Every New Yorker.

[picture changes to Ukraine map]

China’s trying to help in the war in Ukraine and propose a 12 part plan for peace. The catch is the 12 parts have to be assembled by children.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump visited East Palestine the site of the recent train derailment because Trump usually likes to try to make himself look better by standing next to a train wreck. [picture changes to Giuliani]

The train that was derailed was carrying highly toxic vinyl chloride, which I think is something Trump recommended as a cure for COVID. Then while visiting the disaster site, Trump also gave out bottles of Trump branded water. Said residents, “Thanks but we’d rather drink the toxic train water.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture Pete Buttigieg.]

Michael Che: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg visited the site of the train derailment and was criticized for wearing leather dress boots. But give him a break, that’s all they had at baby GAP.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictre of Tucker Carlson.]

Colin Jost: Tucker Carlson seen here at a whites only rave has been granted access to over 40,000 hours of security footage from the January 6 attack on the Capitol. “Who could watch all that without going insane?” said psychiatrist about Tucker Carlson show.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene.]

Michael Che: Georgia representative and cocaine bear Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeted the country needs a national divorce, which makes sense because she’s the most divorce looking woman I have ever seen.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is releasing a new memoir called “The Courage To Be Free”. Even though the courage to be free sounds like a black history book he’s banned.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of The Oscars logo.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that the producers of this year’s Academy Awards have set up a crisis team to deal with any incidents similar to last year as Will Smith slap. Guys, it’s not gonna happen again. I’m sure you wish it would for ratings. If anything, the promos for the Oscars should be “Who’s gonna get slapped this year?” “Can Ana de Armas beat the  Tar out of Caitlyn?” “Which Banshee will knock the shoes off Marcel the Shell?” And “Who has what it takes to whale on Brendan Fraser?”

Weekend Update Russia Annexes Parts of Ukraine Hurricane Ian Hits Florida

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]

In a speech after annexing sections of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin attacked the US for Satanism and denounced the many genders and fashion in the West. It was a hateful, unhinged speech which has many Americans calling him electable.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture from red Square Celebration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Kremlin celebrated the illegal annexation of Ukraine with a night of entertainment in Red Square. Say what you will but gigs a gig.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Russia at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The US embassy in Moscow is urging all American citizens in Russia to leave immediately. “Oh, cool. I’ll try to do that said” Brittney Griner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hurricane Ian hit Florida this week and Governor Ron DeSantis called it a 500 year flooding event. In fact, it’s such a historic tragedy that DeSantis won’t let them teach about it in Florida schools.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: At White House event, President Biden asked if representative Jackie Walorski was in the audience, asking “Where’s Jackie,” apparently forgetting she died last month.  Worse, worse, he keeps forgetting that this woman is still alive. [picture changes to Kamala Harris] [Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Ted Cruz at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Electoral Count Reform Act was approved by all members of a Senate committee except for Ted Cruz. Coincidentally, everyone except for Ted Cruz is also who Jesus loves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s piacture of Ginni Thomas and her husband at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Ginni Thomas, who’s begging you to notice the scarf, said she can say, “Oh, this old thing?” Reportedly told the committee that her husband was unaware of her involvement and challenges to the 2020 election, and they never discuss any case before the court. And if there’s one thing I believe, is that this guy doesn’t talk to his wife.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene revealed that her husband has filed for divorce after 27 years of marriage. He officially blamed irreconcilable differences for the split while she blamed the Jews.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden on Friday attended a formal ceremony welcoming justice Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court. Said Biden, “And where’s Justice Ginsburg? Ruth, come on up here.”

Weekend Update Ukraine Wins Eurovision 7000 NYC Rat Sightings Reported

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of “EuroVision” poster at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Hello, guys. This just in. The winner of this year’s EuroVision Song Contest is Kalush Orchestra, a group from Ukraine. And this is cool, if you combine every member of Kalush orchestra, you get Post Malone.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picturer of a pink and green roller skate shoes with small heel on it at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that a new disco theme Roller Skating Rink will open this summer in Central Park. Another classic 70s trend returning to the park this summer? Stabbings.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Barbie at let top corner.]

Colin Jost: Makers of Barbie have introduced the first ever Barbie with hearing aids. It teaches an important lesson – It doesn’t matter if you’re deaf as long as that body banging.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kevin Spacey at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kevin Spacey will star in a historical drama about Genghis Khan’s grandson. Said Spacey, “You had me a grandson.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat and a New York city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York city officials say they have received over 7,000 rat sightings here in New York. So everybody, look under your seat!

[picture changes to a chimpanzee]

The Oklahoma city zoo announced that a 14 year old endangered chimpanzee named Nyaya is pregnant. Said the zoo’s janitor, “She told me she was 18!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mega Millions logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The wrong number was announced in this week’s $86 million Mega Millions jackpot drawing which is why I had to go into Lorne’s office and un-quit.

Weekend Update Cryptocurrency Crashes Mitch McConnell Visits Ukraine

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a red moon and Calendar marked on 13th of May at left top corner.]

Well, if you feel like things are a little off this week, remember, yesterday was Friday the 13th. Tomorrow is a super Blood Moon. And according to the most annoying person you know, Mercury is in retrograde. Is it me or does every story this week sound like the opening voiceover in a Mad Max movie? “The year is 2022. A virus rages across the planet. Digital money has collapsed. Infants have nothing to eat. Women are forced to breed. Men are ready to die for gasoline. And we suffer under the leadership of the one known only as Joe.”

Crypto currency crashed this week with Bitcoin losing nearly half its value. And now it has to legally change its name to bit o’ coin. In fact, the entire crypto market has lost over a trillion dollars. But don’t worry, you can make that money back fast as long as you’ve been hoarding baby formula. [picture changes to empty stacks at supermarket.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an empty shelf at a supermarket at left top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, this baby formula shortage is scary. I mean, babies are very sensitive. You can’t just feed them anything. I once tried to give my little nephew something different than his usual formula and he nearly choked on that hot wing bone.

[Picture changes to the Capitol building]

The January 6 committee has subpoenaed five sitting Republican Congressman after they refuse to testify voluntarily. Say the Republican congressmen, “You can’t force us to do anything. We’re not pregnant.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost Senator Mitch McConnell, seen here watching a shelter dog get passed up for adoption, led a congressional delegation for a surprise visit to Ukraine today. It’s weird because usually when McConnell shows up by surprise, it’s behind you in the bathroom mirror.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Amazon logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Amazon announced that it will pay employees who have to travel to get an abortion up to $4,000 in expenses every year. The only catch is you got to do it during the eight minute lunch break.

[picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

There is renewed speculation about Vladimir Putin’s health after he was photographed at a military parade with a heavy blanket Across his lap. But hear me out, maybe the blanket is because thinking about war gets him hard as hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Trump hotel sold for reported $375 million” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Trump International Hotel in Washington DC has been sold for a reported $375 million. “Well, I wouldn’t say reported”, said the IRS.

[picture changes to a news article that says “Rock Star escapes as delivery worker”]

A member of the punk rock group Pussy Riot, which has long protested Vladimir Putin revealed that she fled the country disguised as a food delivery worker, which explains this notification from DoorDash.

[picture changes to a Doordash notification that says “Pussy is on the way!”] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of iPod touch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Apple announced that after 20 years, it will stop production of its iPod touch because Apple products become obsolete once they’re older than the kids who make them.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the game Wordle with the answer “Fetus” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York Times said it changed the answer for Monday’s Wordle, which was Fetus because it was too closely connected to a major news story. Tough news for psychos whose first word of guests is always “Fetus”.

Fox News Ukraine Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Laura Ingram… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Steven Seagal… Bowen Yang

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now live from Mar-A-Lago, it’s the Fox News Ukrainian Invasion Celebration Spectacular.  With your hosts Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram.

[Cut to the show set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening everyone, I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like a pair of both shoes came to life.

Laura Ingram: And I’m Laura Ingram and when I watch Harry Potter, I root for Voldemort.

Tucker Carlson: We got into a weird a bit of trouble for all the nice things we said about Russia and the mean things we said about Ukraine.

Laura Ingram: We did sound pretty awful in hindsight and foresight.

Tucker Carlson: I kept asking why do we hate Putin? Aren’t liberals in America even worse?

Laura Ingram: Right. And I called the president of Ukraine pathetic. He stayed and fought with his people in the war, and I called him pathetic from a news desk in Washington.

Tucker Carlson: I kept saying we should be more worried about our own border getting invaded by Mexico, but in my defense, I am racist. So I thought that was true.

Laura Ingram: But tonight, we’re gonna make it up to you. We’re raising money for the real victims of this invasion, the oligarchs, because we need to think about the babies. Their Sugar Babies who will pour vodka in their mouths. So many horny mouths to feed.

Tucker Carlson: So please open your wallets. And because this is Fox News, you can either send money or take out a reverse mortgage. So far, we’ve raised over 8.3 billion rubles, which comes out to almost $12.

Laura Ingram: And this is incredibly exciting. Former and current President of the United States, Donald Trump is manning the phone lines himself.

Donald Trump: [talking on the phone] And you know, the thing about Rihanna is you know what, she could pull it off, but she could be nine months, body’s still incredible. It’s just wow. But now you’re gonna have a lot of women. We’re seeing this right now. Threes, fours, frankly trolls, wearing the same see through shirts. You know what? I hesitate to say whales because I know the whales are very popular with the whales. I do great with whales. You know, they come up to me on the beach and they say “Thank you, Mr. President.” You know, the blowhole is blasting away to Donald Trump00 feet in the air. It’s how they salute me.

Tucker Carlson: Okay, welcome back to Mr. President. Because our first guest is here. He’s a great American patriots, so great that he left America and became a Russian citizen, the puffy hast action star in the world Steven Seagal.

Steven Seagal: Thank you, Tucker. Oh, what a global crisis we are facing. As someone who proudly pretends to be both Native American and Japanese, I feel for all people.

Tucker Carlson: Now, you’re close with President Putin, right?

Steven Seagal: Yes, Putin and I are, as they say in ancient Japan, Eskimo brothers. So I will be honoring Putin by performing an authentic taekwondo exhibition. Hai-ya Hai-ya Hi-yo. Now, it’s time to honor myself with a traditional Japanese shamrock shake, the efficient feasible beverage of all Aikido exhibitions. Haiy-ya.

Laura Ingram: Thank you, Steven. Now, let’s get back in with the man who said Putin’s invasion was very smart and also said China should invade Taiwan next. Mr. President?

Donald Trump: [still talking on the phone] My favorite food is probably bread and more specifically, bun. I like bun. Bun is great. Especially with respect to burger. You know what? Now they want to go beyond burger. Can you believe that? I want to stay right at Burger. Beyond is not good. Joe Biden has gotten beyond burger and it is not going so well. And you know what? Neither has reboot a Fresh Prince. It’s very different and I’m laughing and I’m laughing and I’m laughing but I don’t know why.

Laura Ingram: I do hear a dial tone on the other end of that phone. So let’s hear what kind of prizes we’re giving away tonight.

Tucker Carlson: Laura, we’re sending every Russian soldier a Fox News care package. And that includes My Pillow, a six month subscription to LifeLock, and Tucker Carlson0 American flag catheters.

Laura Ingram: All courtesy to tonight’s sponsor Acorn Stairlifts. You’re going to heaven soon. Practice going up with Acorn Stairlift.

Tucker Carlson: Now, please welcome America’s first couple, the real Prince Harry and Meghan Markel, Don Jr. And Kimberly Guilfoyle. They’re going to be performing duet in honor of Russia and Ukraine coming together.

[Instrumental to “Shallow” playing]

Kimberly Guilfoyle: [singing] Tell me something boy
Don’t you love that big Russian Convo
or do you need more?
This invasion gets me so damn hard

Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle: In the shaa-shallow
we’re far from the shallow now

Kimberly Guilfoyle: I’m off the deep end
we should take Ukraine
it’s more white than black

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. I’m gonna cut that one a little short. Thank you, guys.

Donald Trump Jr.: Is there a bathroom with a mirrored counter nearby?

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, man, it’s Mar-A-Lago Okay. All right, guys, you know I do have a quick announcement. Is anybody driving a yacht with a license plate “niet means da”? Your boat is currently being towed by NATO.

Laura Ingram: Also, Putin has just criminalized free speech and shut down all independent news organizations.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, so I’m thinking can we please do that to CNN?

[Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram laughing]

Laura Ingram: Every time I laugh, an Angel dies.

Tucker Carlson: Now, let’s take a quick break. When we come back, we’ll be giving away a free T shirt.

Laura Ingram: That’s right. The front says “I stormed the Capitol”, and the back says “This does not constitute an admission of guilt”.

Tucker Carlson: And plus, win tickets to see Matt Gaetz do a live reading of his favorite Russian novel, Bolita.

Donald Trump: And I’ve got something I’d like to say to Putin as well. Vladimir, I want you to hear this from me. You was smart, you was kind, you was important. And here’s a little song for me to you.

[singing] My funny valentine
sweet comic valentine
you make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
unphotographable
Yet you’re my favorite work of art.

Laura Ingram: [interrupting] Thank you so much–

Donald Trump: [continues] Is your figure less than Greek
is your mouth a little weak
when you open it to speak
are you smart?

Tucker Carlson: [interrupting] Alright, that’s more than generous–

Donald Trump: [continues] But don’t change a hair for me
not if you care for me
stay little valentine, stay
Each day is Valentine’s Day
I love you, Vlad

Laura Ingram: I know he loves you too.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update Russia Invades Ukraine Biden Nominates Ketanji Brown Jackson

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of maps of Ukraine and Russia at left top corner.]

Well, this week Russia began their invasion of Ukraine, President Putin launched the attack with support from allies like Bella Rousse, and Tucker Carlson. Many analysts were surprised Putin went through with the invasion even though it was obviously going to be a colossal mistake, but he couldn’t back down after all that build up. Kind of like how NBC still had to go through with airing the Winter Olympics.

[Picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

Experts on Russian politics are saying that economic sanctions in the West will not deter Putin because his money is a non traditional assets that are difficult to trace. So, on top of everything else awful about Putin, he’s also into crypto.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of chart showing downfall of Russian stock market at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After the invasion of Ukraine, the Russian stock market fell by 30% to -90%. This is a tough subject to make jokes about. I mean, in my lifetime, I’ve seen footage of attacks like this on other countries, but never a white one. I don’t know very much about this whole situation. But I have a close friend who’s Russian. And I asked her what she thought about it and she said, “Michael, you no paid me to talk baby.” But I am very impressed by all Ukrainian citizens signing up to defend their country, even the famous ones. Imagine that here. If you have a read on the news Michael Che has joined an American war, we have just lost that war.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chernobyl at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: One of the first places Russian forces seize when invading Ukraine was Chernobyl, the site of the 1986 nuclear disaster. Said Ukrainians, “Oh no, don’t take that.” Capturing Chernobyl is like landing an audition for Harvey Weinstein now.

[Picture changes to Donald trump and Vladimir Putin]

Donald Trump– Great transition. Donald Trump phrased Vladimir Putin moving troops into Ukraine saying “This is genius.” Though this is genius is also how he sarcastically introduces Eric.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ketanji Brown Jackson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson seen here getting tired of y’all’s foolishness, was nominated by President Biden to become the first black woman on the Supreme Court. The nomination fulfills Biden’s promise to change the subject. [Picture changes to Ukraine and Russia map.] You clapped too early.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden chose Jackson after interviewing three finalists this week. “Weird, I thought interviewing black candidates was just for show” said the NFL.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new book claims that while Donald Trump was President, White House staff routinely found wads of paper clogging the toilet. So, either he tried to flush classified documents or he eats the wrappers.

[Picture changes to subway train]

In the days after New York Mayor Eric Adams announced a new plan to stop violence in the city’s transit system, six people were stabbed on the subway. And I think I speak for all New Yorkers when I say, that sounds pretty low.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Buckingham Palace staff have been mocking Prince Andrew with a nursery rhyme. Said Prince Andrew, “Oh, nursery!”

[Picture changes to Kentucky Derby logo]

Officials have posthumously stripped Medina Spirit of his Kentucky Derby victory for failing a post race drug test. And I just want to say to Medina Spirit, “I hope it’s hot and horse hell you cheating bastard.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Dog returned after mission for 12 years” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Medina Spirit sounds like a Tyler Perry character. A dog in California that went missing 12 years ago was found and returned to her owner, after spending more than a decade living at Dave’s taxidermy shop.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Man gets AA battery stuck in penis” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Iran went to the hospital after he got a AA battery stuck inside his penis. It was AA because that’s the sound he makes when it goes in.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Luke Cage comic book at right top corner.]

This year marks the 50th anniversary of one of Marvel Comics first black superheroes, Luke Cage. In the comics, Luke Cage faces off against black people’s most powerful enemy of the 1970s, LED paint.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a handgun at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police arrested twin sisters after they got mad at a restaurant worker and shot him in the face. This according to Peacocks very dark reboot of “Sister Sister”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FDA logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, the FDA granted the first condom approved for anal sex. It took them this long because their wives would only let them test it on their birthdays.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a ocean wave at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Do you get it? Researchers have observed a nearly 60 foot tall rogue wave off the coast of British Columbia, which is the largest ever recorded. Researchers believe the wave was generated when yo mama fell overboard. Well, for Weekend Update, oops all jokes. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.