Fox News Ukraine Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Laura Ingram… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Steven Seagal… Bowen Yang

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now live from Mar-A-Lago, it’s the Fox News Ukrainian Invasion Celebration Spectacular.  With your hosts Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram.

[Cut to the show set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening everyone, I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like a pair of both shoes came to life.

Laura Ingram: And I’m Laura Ingram and when I watch Harry Potter, I root for Voldemort.

Tucker Carlson: We got into a weird a bit of trouble for all the nice things we said about Russia and the mean things we said about Ukraine.

Laura Ingram: We did sound pretty awful in hindsight and foresight.

Tucker Carlson: I kept asking why do we hate Putin? Aren’t liberals in America even worse?

Laura Ingram: Right. And I called the president of Ukraine pathetic. He stayed and fought with his people in the war, and I called him pathetic from a news desk in Washington.

Tucker Carlson: I kept saying we should be more worried about our own border getting invaded by Mexico, but in my defense, I am racist. So I thought that was true.

Laura Ingram: But tonight, we’re gonna make it up to you. We’re raising money for the real victims of this invasion, the oligarchs, because we need to think about the babies. Their Sugar Babies who will pour vodka in their mouths. So many horny mouths to feed.

Tucker Carlson: So please open your wallets. And because this is Fox News, you can either send money or take out a reverse mortgage. So far, we’ve raised over 8.3 billion rubles, which comes out to almost $12.

Laura Ingram: And this is incredibly exciting. Former and current President of the United States, Donald Trump is manning the phone lines himself.

Donald Trump: [talking on the phone] And you know, the thing about Rihanna is you know what, she could pull it off, but she could be nine months, body’s still incredible. It’s just wow. But now you’re gonna have a lot of women. We’re seeing this right now. Threes, fours, frankly trolls, wearing the same see through shirts. You know what? I hesitate to say whales because I know the whales are very popular with the whales. I do great with whales. You know, they come up to me on the beach and they say “Thank you, Mr. President.” You know, the blowhole is blasting away to Donald Trump00 feet in the air. It’s how they salute me.

Tucker Carlson: Okay, welcome back to Mr. President. Because our first guest is here. He’s a great American patriots, so great that he left America and became a Russian citizen, the puffy hast action star in the world Steven Seagal.

Steven Seagal: Thank you, Tucker. Oh, what a global crisis we are facing. As someone who proudly pretends to be both Native American and Japanese, I feel for all people.

Tucker Carlson: Now, you’re close with President Putin, right?

Steven Seagal: Yes, Putin and I are, as they say in ancient Japan, Eskimo brothers. So I will be honoring Putin by performing an authentic taekwondo exhibition. Hai-ya Hai-ya Hi-yo. Now, it’s time to honor myself with a traditional Japanese shamrock shake, the efficient feasible beverage of all Aikido exhibitions. Haiy-ya.

Laura Ingram: Thank you, Steven. Now, let’s get back in with the man who said Putin’s invasion was very smart and also said China should invade Taiwan next. Mr. President?

Donald Trump: [still talking on the phone] My favorite food is probably bread and more specifically, bun. I like bun. Bun is great. Especially with respect to burger. You know what? Now they want to go beyond burger. Can you believe that? I want to stay right at Burger. Beyond is not good. Joe Biden has gotten beyond burger and it is not going so well. And you know what? Neither has reboot a Fresh Prince. It’s very different and I’m laughing and I’m laughing and I’m laughing but I don’t know why.

Laura Ingram: I do hear a dial tone on the other end of that phone. So let’s hear what kind of prizes we’re giving away tonight.

Tucker Carlson: Laura, we’re sending every Russian soldier a Fox News care package. And that includes My Pillow, a six month subscription to LifeLock, and Tucker Carlson0 American flag catheters.

Laura Ingram: All courtesy to tonight’s sponsor Acorn Stairlifts. You’re going to heaven soon. Practice going up with Acorn Stairlift.

Tucker Carlson: Now, please welcome America’s first couple, the real Prince Harry and Meghan Markel, Don Jr. And Kimberly Guilfoyle. They’re going to be performing duet in honor of Russia and Ukraine coming together.

[Instrumental to “Shallow” playing]

Kimberly Guilfoyle: [singing] Tell me something boy
Don’t you love that big Russian Convo
or do you need more?
This invasion gets me so damn hard

Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle: In the shaa-shallow
we’re far from the shallow now

Kimberly Guilfoyle: I’m off the deep end
we should take Ukraine
it’s more white than black

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. I’m gonna cut that one a little short. Thank you, guys.

Donald Trump Jr.: Is there a bathroom with a mirrored counter nearby?

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, man, it’s Mar-A-Lago Okay. All right, guys, you know I do have a quick announcement. Is anybody driving a yacht with a license plate “niet means da”? Your boat is currently being towed by NATO.

Laura Ingram: Also, Putin has just criminalized free speech and shut down all independent news organizations.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, so I’m thinking can we please do that to CNN?

[Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram laughing]

Laura Ingram: Every time I laugh, an Angel dies.

Tucker Carlson: Now, let’s take a quick break. When we come back, we’ll be giving away a free T shirt.

Laura Ingram: That’s right. The front says “I stormed the Capitol”, and the back says “This does not constitute an admission of guilt”.

Tucker Carlson: And plus, win tickets to see Matt Gaetz do a live reading of his favorite Russian novel, Bolita.

Donald Trump: And I’ve got something I’d like to say to Putin as well. Vladimir, I want you to hear this from me. You was smart, you was kind, you was important. And here’s a little song for me to you.

[singing] My funny valentine
sweet comic valentine
you make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
unphotographable
Yet you’re my favorite work of art.

Laura Ingram: [interrupting] Thank you so much–

Donald Trump: [continues] Is your figure less than Greek
is your mouth a little weak
when you open it to speak
are you smart?

Tucker Carlson: [interrupting] Alright, that’s more than generous–

Donald Trump: [continues] But don’t change a hair for me
not if you care for me
stay little valentine, stay
Each day is Valentine’s Day

I love you, Vlad

Laura Ingram: I know he loves you too.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update Russia Invades Ukraine Biden Nominates Ketanji Brown Jackson

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of maps of Ukraine and Russia at left top corner.]

Well, this week Russia began their invasion of Ukraine, President Putin launched the attack with support from allies like Bella Rousse, and Tucker Carlson. Many analysts were surprised Putin went through with the invasion even though it was obviously going to be a colossal mistake, but he couldn’t back down after all that build up. Kind of like how NBC still had to go through with airing the Winter Olympics.

[Picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

Experts on Russian politics are saying that economic sanctions in the West will not deter Putin because his money is a non traditional assets that are difficult to trace. So, on top of everything else awful about Putin, he’s also into crypto.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of chart showing downfall of Russian stock market at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After the invasion of Ukraine, the Russian stock market fell by 30% to -90%. This is a tough subject to make jokes about. I mean, in my lifetime, I’ve seen footage of attacks like this on other countries, but never a white one. I don’t know very much about this whole situation. But I have a close friend who’s Russian. And I asked her what she thought about it and she said, “Michael, you no paid me to talk baby.” But I am very impressed by all Ukrainian citizens signing up to defend their country, even the famous ones. Imagine that here. If you have a read on the news Michael Che has joined an American war, we have just lost that war.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chernobyl at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: One of the first places Russian forces seize when invading Ukraine was Chernobyl, the site of the 1986 nuclear disaster. Said Ukrainians, “Oh no, don’t take that.” Capturing Chernobyl is like landing an audition for Harvey Weinstein now.

[Picture changes to Donald trump and Vladimir Putin]

Donald Trump– Great transition. Donald Trump phrased Vladimir Putin moving troops into Ukraine saying “This is genius.” Though this is genius is also how he sarcastically introduces Eric.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ketanji Brown Jackson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson seen here getting tired of y’all’s foolishness, was nominated by President Biden to become the first black woman on the Supreme Court. The nomination fulfills Biden’s promise to change the subject. [Picture changes to Ukraine and Russia map.] You clapped too early.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden chose Jackson after interviewing three finalists this week. “Weird, I thought interviewing black candidates was just for show” said the NFL.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new book claims that while Donald Trump was President, White House staff routinely found wads of paper clogging the toilet. So, either he tried to flush classified documents or he eats the wrappers.

[Picture changes to subway train]

In the days after New York Mayor Eric Adams announced a new plan to stop violence in the city’s transit system, six people were stabbed on the subway. And I think I speak for all New Yorkers when I say, that sounds pretty low.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Buckingham Palace staff have been mocking Prince Andrew with a nursery rhyme. Said Prince Andrew, “Oh, nursery!”

[Picture changes to Kentucky Derby logo]

Officials have posthumously stripped Medina Spirit of his Kentucky Derby victory for failing a post race drug test. And I just want to say to Medina Spirit, “I hope it’s hot and horse hell you cheating bastard.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Dog returned after mission for 12 years” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Medina Spirit sounds like a Tyler Perry character. A dog in California that went missing 12 years ago was found and returned to her owner, after spending more than a decade living at Dave’s taxidermy shop.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Man gets AA battery stuck in penis” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Iran went to the hospital after he got a AA battery stuck inside his penis. It was AA because that’s the sound he makes when it goes in.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Luke Cage comic book at right top corner.]

This year marks the 50th anniversary of one of Marvel Comics first black superheroes, Luke Cage. In the comics, Luke Cage faces off against black people’s most powerful enemy of the 1970s, LED paint.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a handgun at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police arrested twin sisters after they got mad at a restaurant worker and shot him in the face. This according to Peacocks very dark reboot of “Sister Sister”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FDA logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, the FDA granted the first condom approved for anal sex. It took them this long because their wives would only let them test it on their birthdays.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a ocean wave at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Do you get it? Researchers have observed a nearly 60 foot tall rogue wave off the coast of British Columbia, which is the largest ever recorded. Researchers believe the wave was generated when yo mama fell overboard. Well, for Weekend Update, oops all jokes. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.