Weekend Update- Jeffrey Toobin Zooms & Mitch McConnell’s Hands

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jeffrey Toobin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New Yorker reporter Jeffrey Toobin has been suspended after getting caught masturbating on a Zoom call. And he’s from the New Yorker, so you know that jerk was dry as hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.] [Colin Jost laughing out loud]

Whatever, man. I stand by it.

Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell seen here after physically fighting with death, did not answer questions about bruises and bandages seen on his face and hand saying there were no concerns. By the way, ‘no concerns’ is what McConnell whispers when he sees a baby stroller rolling down hill into on coming traffic.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Popeyes chicken at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Oh, man! Popeyes chicken announced that they’re bringing back cajun style turkeys for thanksgiving. It’s a red piece of good news for people who spent thanksgiving at Popeyes.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Nasa logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Nasa has announced plans to put a full 4G cellphone network on the moon. While AT&T has announced plans to put almost two bars on your earth phone.

[Picture changes to Elton John]

Mattel announced plans for an Elton John themed barbie doll. “Finally”, said Ken. [Picture changes to the Ken doll] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Phil Collins at left top corner.]

Michael Che: The ex wife of singer Phil Collins has allegedly occupied their Miami mansion and hired armed guards to protect it. In the mean time, Collins is staying at a nearby stu-stu-studio apartment.

[picture changes to a boar]

Residents in Rome are upset after a wild boar and her six piglets were killed on a playground near the Vatican. But it’s like they say, nothing good ever happens on a playground near the Vatican. Thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a clock at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: German researchers have recorded the shortest interval of time for an even to begin and end. The event finished so quickly, scientists have named it “Che”. [Picture changes to Michael Che.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Nelly at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rapper Nelly will be appearing on a new line of Budweiser cans, right under the word ‘missing’.

Cooking With Paul

Paul Montane… Kenan Thompson

Mitch… Dwayne Johnson

[Starts with Cooking with Paul intro]

Female voice: And now, it’s time for Cooking with Paul. [Cut to Paul cooking in the kitchen] Paul Montane is a James Beard Award winning chef. And a three times convicted sex offender.

Paul: Well, hello there folks. Today, we’re gonna be cooking my famous garlic mashed potatoes and rosemary time chicken. With me as always is my sidekick Mitch.

[Mitch walks in]

Mitch: I’m not your sidekick, Paul I’m your probation officer.

Paul: We do banter though, don’t we?

[Mitch stares at Paul]

Okay. Now, let’s start cooking. The first thing you need to do is boil some water. You gotta put the pot on the stove. Turn on the gas. That’s gonna take about five minutes. So, you gotta little time to kill. So, why don’t we go ahead and just pop around on the internet, check out some chat rooms.

Mitch: No, no, no, no. You are not allowed on the internet, Paul.

Paul: Okay. So, now we’re gonna sprinkle a little rosemary onto our chicken. That’s right. We’re gonna go ahead and pour on our saute onions. Yeah, I like that. Now, we’re gonna place that whole pan in the oven. Turn it up to 400 degrees and wait for it to turn brown.

[Paul puts the chicken in the over]

Okay, now you let that sit for about 30 minutes. Got a little time. So, why don’t we go ahead and just pop around on the internet and meet a couple of buddies?

Mitch: No, Paul. Hell no.

Paul: I’m not doing anything. I’m just looking at Master Chef Junior.

Mitch: Those are not chefs, Paul

Paul: Okay. Now, let’s check on our pot of water. It’s boiling. So we need to put in the potatoes. Okie, dokie. [Paul puts the potatoes n the pot] We’re gonna let these sit for about four minutes. So we got a little time.

Mitch: No!

Paul: Pop around on the internet and meet some folks.

Mitch: No, no, no. That’s it. I’m taking this computer away.

Paul: Okay. [Paul takes out another computer] Dip, dip, dip.

Mitch: Paul! Paul!

Paul: Oh! Oh! Oh, no! I accidentally set it to 4,000 degrees instead of 400.

[smoke is coming out of the oven.]

Mitch: Dammit, Paul. Call the fire department.

[Mitch leaves]

Paul: Okay. Calling the fire department. [Paul takes his phone out and dials a number looking at the computer.] 2125550187.

[talking on the phone]

Hello, Mrs. Henderson. Is Billy at home?

Mitch: Paul! Paul! Hang up the phone.

[Mitch comes in with a fire extinguisher and uses it in the oven.]

Paul: Mitch! You are no fun.

Mitch: Well, I’m not paid to be fun, Paul.

Paul: Well, that makes me sad you saying that.

Mitch: Well, it makes me sad that you hit it out in the well of a porter party just to take pictures of people’s butts.

Paul: Okay. Now, you know, let’s get our ingredients together. We’re going to put in our butter here. And then we’re gonna dump in some of this on top of that. Then we go on a computer and go to your favorite site–

Mitch: No, no! No!

Paul: Okay!

[The timer clock tings]

Well, that’s all the time we have. We didn’t finish cooking the meal. But let’s all close our eyes and imagine what it tastes like.

[Mitch closes his eyes] [Paul runs away]

Mitch: Hey, get back here!

Holiday Baking Championship

Alex Moffat

Claudia… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Mitch… Eddie Murphy

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Holiday Baking Championship intro]

Announcer: We now return to the holiday baking championship.

[Cut to the show]

Host: All right, Bakers. It’s time to show your holiday creations to the judges. Today’s theme was Christmas past. You had to hours to make cakes based on childhood memories. First up is home baker, Claudia.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Hi judges, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Merry Christmas to you. Sweetie, why don’t you tell us what you made today.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: My cake is a tribute to my father who gave my daughter her favorite Christmas memory by taking her to see the movie Frozen. So my cake is beautiful Elsa made from peppermint sponge cake. And her hair do is made from over Host,000 braided strands of icing. And I’m not gonna ‘let it go’ because I want to win.

[Cut to Ego and Beck]

Ego: Wow. That sounds very ambitious. Let’s see your cake.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: With pleasure.

[Claudia reveals her cake. It looks horrible.]

Ego: Claudia!

Claudia: Yeah. Now that it’s in the light, I see that it’s bad.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Yeah, sweetie, it kind of looks like it has some kind of DNA problem.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: I would love to say that’s intentional.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: Well, let’s taste it.

[the judges take a bite]

Beck: Oh, is there garlic in this?

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Probably. At one point I blacked out and I started making pasta. Just forget it. It’s bad. I’m bad.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh! That’s unfortunate. Next up is Mitch.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here. I want to say that you look so much more attractive in person.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Thanks. Who’s your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: My children have grown up in Napa. One of my favorite memory is playing video games on Christmas mornings. So cake is that speedy rascal Sonic the Hedgehog. It is made from royal icing and the shoes are made from hot cinnamon and the speed lines are red licorice.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Wow, really interesting flavor profile.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I only get one shot at this and I didn’t want to hedgehog my bets.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I love that you came to play. Let’s see it.

[Mitch reveals his cake. It looks horrible and its brown in color.]

Beck: Good god, Mitch.

Mitch: That’s bad. It’s gross. Real bad.

Ego: What went wrong?

Mitch: I think I just made a lot of bad choices. I mean in general in my life.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And why is it brown, Mitch?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I don’t know. Why is anything brown?

[Cut o Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Land are those human teeth in its mouth?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s correct. The teeth are human.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Sandy. Sandy, hopefully things went better for you.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: No complaints. My Christmas memory is watching Frosty with my grandma. And here he is, all come to life.

[Sandy reveals her cake. It looks really good.]

So what do you think?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: That’s frosty all right.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Next up is Ralph.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Wait! That’s it? Hang on. My cake is definitely better than his. I mean, look. It’s on fire!

[Cut to Mitch’s cake. Its literally on fire.]

Mitch: Is that true? I think it is trying to kill itself.

[the cake is speaking something] [Cut to the judges]

Ego: I’m sorry, Mitch. What is that language it’s speaking?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s some evil backwards devil talk. I believe I opened up a portal and I am so bad at baking.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Should we destroy it?

[Cut to Mitch’s cake speaking in old lady voice]

Mitch’s cake: No. Please don’t hurt me. I love you.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: What is that voice?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: It is in your grandmother’s voice to trick and you drag you to hell.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: That’s very disturbing. At least you took risks.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Excuse me?

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Ralph. What is your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: My favorite Christmas memory is Cinderella.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: That doesn’t quite make sense but let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. The castle looks like penis.] [Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Festive but what are those things on the side?

[cut to Ralph]

Ralph: That’s her penis castle, of course. That’s where Cinderella goes when she’s tired from all the balls.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Well, we have another tough decision to make.

[Cut to Sandy and Mitch]

Sandy: That’s incorrect.

[Mitch’s cake speaks something]

Mitch: Thank you pal, we can still win this thing.

[Cut to Host]

Host: We’ll be back the judge’s decision right after this.