Weekend Update Cryptocurrency Crashes Mitch McConnell Visits Ukraine

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a red moon and Calendar marked on 13th of May at left top corner.]

Well, if you feel like things are a little off this week, remember, yesterday was Friday the 13th. Tomorrow is a super Blood Moon. And according to the most annoying person you know, Mercury is in retrograde. Is it me or does every story this week sound like the opening voiceover in a Mad Max movie? “The year is 2022. A virus rages across the planet. Digital money has collapsed. Infants have nothing to eat. Women are forced to breed. Men are ready to die for gasoline. And we suffer under the leadership of the one known only as Joe.”

Crypto currency crashed this week with Bitcoin losing nearly half its value. And now it has to legally change its name to bit o’ coin. In fact, the entire crypto market has lost over a trillion dollars. But don’t worry, you can make that money back fast as long as you’ve been hoarding baby formula. [picture changes to empty stacks at supermarket.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an empty shelf at a supermarket at left top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, this baby formula shortage is scary. I mean, babies are very sensitive. You can’t just feed them anything. I once tried to give my little nephew something different than his usual formula and he nearly choked on that hot wing bone.

[Picture changes to the Capitol building]

The January 6 committee has subpoenaed five sitting Republican Congressman after they refuse to testify voluntarily. Say the Republican congressmen, “You can’t force us to do anything. We’re not pregnant.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost Senator Mitch McConnell, seen here watching a shelter dog get passed up for adoption, led a congressional delegation for a surprise visit to Ukraine today. It’s weird because usually when McConnell shows up by surprise, it’s behind you in the bathroom mirror.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Amazon logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Amazon announced that it will pay employees who have to travel to get an abortion up to $4,000 in expenses every year. The only catch is you got to do it during the eight minute lunch break.

[picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

There is renewed speculation about Vladimir Putin’s health after he was photographed at a military parade with a heavy blanket Across his lap. But hear me out, maybe the blanket is because thinking about war gets him hard as hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Trump hotel sold for reported $375 million” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Trump International Hotel in Washington DC has been sold for a reported $375 million. “Well, I wouldn’t say reported”, said the IRS.

[picture changes to a news article that says “Rock Star escapes as delivery worker”]

A member of the punk rock group Pussy Riot, which has long protested Vladimir Putin revealed that she fled the country disguised as a food delivery worker, which explains this notification from DoorDash.

[picture changes to a Doordash notification that says “Pussy is on the way!”] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of iPod touch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Apple announced that after 20 years, it will stop production of its iPod touch because Apple products become obsolete once they’re older than the kids who make them.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the game Wordle with the answer “Fetus” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York Times said it changed the answer for Monday’s Wordle, which was Fetus because it was too closely connected to a major news story. Tough news for psychos whose first word of guests is always “Fetus”.

Weekend Update- Rocket Crashes to Earth

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a rocket at left top corner.]

I don’t know if you guys were following the news today, but a space rocket that was spinning out of control just minutes ago crashed into the ocean. And for once, we know, it’s not Elon’s fault. [Picture changes to Elon Musk hosing SNL monologue.] A lot of people have been wondering, “Why is he hosting our show?” And now we know, it’s because he needed an Alibi.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jeff Bezos’s rocket company ‘Blue Origin’ is auctioning off one seat on a first flight of its passenger rocket. Wow. Why are all these rich white people trying to go to space? Look, if there’s any Martian watching this, when you see a bunch of foreign ships pull up on your land, take it from a black dude, don’t get on them. Unless you want to be the martian with the last name ‘Washington’.

[cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Prominent white nationalists posting manifestos” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A prominent white nationalist has begun posting manifestos online. I’m sorry, that was the sub-headline. The headline was “Donald Trump launched new blog”. That’s right. Disgraced fast food spokesman Donald Trump has launched a website called ‘From the desk of Donald J. Trump’. Though more accurate name would be ‘From the brain fog of long-haul covid’.

[Picture changes to republican elephant logo]

I don’t understand why the republican party is still betting their entire future on Trump. He turns 75 next month. It’s like getting your family an old dog and saying, “Hey, kids, invest all your emotions in this.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Florida governor Ron DeSantis who played the short bully in “A Christmas Story” signed new restrictive voting laws that limits the locations of drop boxes and new requirements for voting my mail. Wow. Since when does Florida care so much about the law? Last time I was in Florida, I saw a lady lighting fireworks  with a crack pipe. Worst gender reveal ever!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Evangelicals hesitant about vaccine” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Experts say that one of the biggest obstacles to hurt immunity is that many white evangelical christians are refusing the vaccine. And look, evangelical christians, I know you guys want to get into heaven, but it’s not a race.

[Picture changes to a news article that says “CVS responsible for half of unused vaccines”]

A report also shows that CVS is responsible for half of all unused vaccine shots in the nation. CVS is also responsible for half of the nation’s room temperature white claw. I guess that we should have expected top-notch inventory management from the store that that’s still trying to unload Halloween candy in March.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kamala Harris at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kamala Harris will become the first vice president to be featured as a wax figure at Madame Tussauds wax museum. Well, Joe Biden is the first wax figure to become the president.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Verizon, Aol and yahoo! logos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Verison will sell Aol and yahoo!, I assume to the year 1998.

[picture changes to Andrew Cuomo]

New York governor Andrew Cuomo announced that the broadway could reopen in September 14th. Except for the new musical about Cuomo’s handling of the pandemic, “Nursinghoma!”