Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of “EuroVision” poster at left top corner]Colin Jost: Hello, guys. This just in. The winner of this year’s EuroVision Song Contest is Kalush Orchestra, a group from Ukraine. And this is cool, if you combine every member of Kalush orchestra, you get Post Malone.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picturer of a pink and green roller skate shoes with small heel on it at right top corner.]Michael Che: It was announced that a new disco theme Roller Skating Rink will open this summer in Central Park. Another classic 70s trend returning to the park this summer? Stabbings.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Barbie at let top corner.]Colin Jost: Makers of Barbie have introduced the first ever Barbie with hearing aids. It teaches an important lesson – It doesn’t matter if you’re deaf as long as that body banging.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kevin Spacey at right top corner.]Michael Che: Kevin Spacey will star in a historical drama about Genghis Khan’s grandson. Said Spacey, “You had me a grandson.”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat and a New York city at left top corner.]Colin Jost: New York city officials say they have received over 7,000 rat sightings here in New York. So everybody, look under your seat!
[picture changes to a chimpanzee]The Oklahoma city zoo announced that a 14 year old endangered chimpanzee named Nyaya is pregnant. Said the zoo’s janitor, “She told me she was 18!”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mega Millions logo at right top corner.]Michael Che: The wrong number was announced in this week’s $86 million Mega Millions jackpot drawing which is why I had to go into Lorne’s office and un-quit.