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Weekend Update- Biden Meets with Zelenskyy in Ukraine, the Oscars’ Crisis Team

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Zelenskyy]

This week, President Biden made a historic visit to Ukraine and met with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy, where they greeted each other like two action figures having sex. Then on the one year anniversary of the war in Ukraine, both Biden and Vladimir Putin gave speeches about the conflict. There was a language barrier, but the subtitles helped me figure out what Biden was saying. Many Republicans are criticizing President Biden’s decision to go to the Ukraine instead of going to Ohio to deal with a toxic train derailment. But Biden said he was just waiting to shoot the train down until it was over the ocean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden is being praised for his surprise visit to Ukraine by taking a 10 hour train ride from Poland. You know who else takes a long ass train ride through an active war zone? Every New Yorker.

[picture changes to Ukraine map]

China’s trying to help in the war in Ukraine and propose a 12 part plan for peace. The catch is the 12 parts have to be assembled by children.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump visited East Palestine the site of the recent train derailment because Trump usually likes to try to make himself look better by standing next to a train wreck. [picture changes to Giuliani]

The train that was derailed was carrying highly toxic vinyl chloride, which I think is something Trump recommended as a cure for COVID. Then while visiting the disaster site, Trump also gave out bottles of Trump branded water. Said residents, “Thanks but we’d rather drink the toxic train water.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture Pete Buttigieg.]

Michael Che: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg visited the site of the train derailment and was criticized for wearing leather dress boots. But give him a break, that’s all they had at baby GAP.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictre of Tucker Carlson.]

Colin Jost: Tucker Carlson seen here at a whites only rave has been granted access to over 40,000 hours of security footage from the January 6 attack on the Capitol. “Who could watch all that without going insane?” said psychiatrist about Tucker Carlson show.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene.]

Michael Che: Georgia representative and cocaine bear Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeted the country needs a national divorce, which makes sense because she’s the most divorce looking woman I have ever seen.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is releasing a new memoir called “The Courage To Be Free”. Even though the courage to be free sounds like a black history book he’s banned.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of The Oscars logo.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that the producers of this year’s Academy Awards have set up a crisis team to deal with any incidents similar to last year as Will Smith slap. Guys, it’s not gonna happen again. I’m sure you wish it would for ratings. If anything, the promos for the Oscars should be “Who’s gonna get slapped this year?” “Can Ana de Armas beat the  Tar out of Caitlyn?” “Which Banshee will knock the shoes off Marcel the Shell?” And “Who has what it takes to whale on Brendan Fraser?”

Science Room with Steve Martin and Martin Short

Mr. Science…Martin Short

Dr. Science… Steve Martin

Lonnie… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: PBS Kids. At 3:30, Curious George, we on that same old [bleep]. But first, it’s the Science Room.

[Cut to Science Room intro]
[Cut to Dr. Science Mr. Science and Mr. Science Short in the show set]
[cheers and applause]

Mr. Science: [singing] Oh chemistry, oh chemistry
how lovely are thy eye on

Dr. Science: I love that song sodium much. Hey kids, Dr. Science.

Mr. Science: And I’m Mr. Science.

Dr. Science: And what better time than the holidays to learn about the science of snow.

Mr. Science: Helping us out today are today’s Junior volunteers, Lonnie and Josh.

Josh: Hi.

Lonnie: Hello.

Mr. Science: Happy holidays guys. Lonnie, what’s your favorite holiday tradition?

Lonnie: Oh, Christmas.

Mr. Science: Okay, well, I love Christmas myself. Josh, what do you want for Christmas?

Josh: Oh, to find out what happened to my brother.

Mr. Science: Okay, well, I was not expecting that. I thought you’d say you want to skateboard or something, but I’m sure your brother will be fine. But hey, let’s talk about snow.

Dr. Science: Now, what do we know about snow? Well, for one, snow forms inside the big things in the sky called… Lonnie.

Lonnie: Stars.

Mr. Science: No. Josh. Starts with a C.

Josh: Si Senor.

Mr. Science: No, the letter C. It’s a C word.

Lonnie: Oh, no. The C word is bad. We can’t say that.

Mr. Science: No, it’s not the C word. Josh. It’s big. It’s white. It’s puffy. It’s…

Josh: My dad.

Mr. Science: Clouds. Snow forms inside clouds.

Dr. Science: Hey, let’s think before we answer, okay?

Mr. Science: Yes, why not?

Dr. Science: Now, snow forms when it gets so cold that the water vapor inside the cloud does what? Lonnie.

Lonnie: Snows.

Dr. Science: No. It’s how water turns into ice. It starts with an F. Josh.

Josh: Photosynthesis.

Dr. Science: That’s double wrong, Josh. Come on guys starts with an F. Free…

Lonnie: Britney?

Dr. Science: Guys. Freeze. Freeze. [Lonnie and Josh stop moving] No, not you. The word was freeze.

Mr. Science: Just like there are rain storms, there are also snow storms.

Lonnie: True.

Mr. Science: I wasn’t asking, but yes that is true.

Josh: Yeah! [Josh and Lonnie do high five]

Mr. Science: No, you don’t high five each other based on… No don’t. No fist bump either. Just stop it. Stop right now.

Dr. Science: Okay, now, for our experiment today, we’re going to make our own snow storm. Now our snow storm will obviously not be as big as a real one. But even if something small, it can still…

Lonnie: Feel good for the girl.

Dr. Science: I don’t follow this.

Lonnie: Because my sister told me that even if a guy has a small thing, it can still feel good if the guy knows what he’s doing.

Dr. Science: Well, that’s a no. Teach a big lesson, you were very, very wrong.

Mr. Science: Your sister however is very, very right. Now, to do this at home, we’ll need some water and a glass. Baby oil. [Lonnie and Josh start playing with the experiment instruments] No, don’t touch that. Please. Stop it. Stop touching, please. Stop it.

Dr. Science: Make sure to have a grown up help you first. Safety first.

Mr. Science: I have a fun safety joke, Josh. KNOCK, KNOCK.

Josh: Come in.

Mr. Science: No, no. Josh, you say “knock knock who’s there?” Okay? Knock knock.

Josh: Who’s there?

Mr. Science: Safety.

Josh: Hi, I’m Josh.

Mr. Science: No, no. Do you know know how this works? You’ve never heard? You say “safety who”. Okay? Knock knock.

Josh: Safety who?

[Mr. Science gets so frustrated that he starts strangling the skeleton dummy in the science lab.]

Dr. Science: Hey, hey, hey. Are you okay? Come back. Come back.

Mr. Science: Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

Dr. Science: Now, we put everything into our glass here except the Alka Seltzer, which we’re going to drop into simulate what happens when cold air meets warm air. Now, get in close guys. Three, two, one. Science. Wow, look. Josh, what’s going on?

Josh: Not much. We have two weeks off for winter break.

Dr. Science: No. Not what’s going on in your life? In here. What’s going on in here? Do you see what I see? What do you see?

Lonnie: Your finger.

Dr. Science: No. Do you see what I see? Something’s going on. Do you see what I see?

Lonnie: [singing] You see what I see
a star, a start,
dancing in the…

Dr. Science: Shut up, you idiots. Look what we made. It’s a it’s a…

Lonnie and Josh: It’s a me Mario.

Mr. Science: No. It’s not a me Mario. Go to commercial.

Dr. Science: I’m gonna turn the camera off.

A Visit with Santa

Bowen Yang

Santa… Steve Martin

Elf… Martin Short

Penny… Chloe Fineman

Danny… Andrew Dismukes

Amanda… Ego Nwodim

Lisa… Sarah Sherman

Bowen: Children of all ages, you’ve come to the right place. The actual Mr. Chris Granville himself has come all the way from the North Pole and Santa!

Santa: Ho-ho-ho. That is right. My schedule is a little crazy right now, but there’s no place I’d rather be. Right Sprinkles, the Elf?

Elf: That’s right, Santa. Can’t say no to a hopeful child. Or my name isn’t Pringles the Elf.

Santa: Oh, is it Sprinkles or Pringles?

Elf: It’s sprinkles but sometimes I get excited and I say Pringles. I don’t know. I like Pringles.

Santa: Good. I have been calling you Sprinkles for hundreds of years.

Elf: Right. It’s Sprinkles? I made a mistake.

Santa: Okay, who’s first?

Bowen: This is Penny. She’s nine. And I’m pretty sure she’s your biggest fan.

Penny: Hi, Santa. I love you, Santa.

Santa: Oh, isn’t that sweet? Now what do you want for Christmas this year?

Penny: Well, I would like a Magic Nixies Crystal Ball.

Santa: Oh, that sounds like something I like too.

Penny: And What The Fluff interactive toy cat.

Santa: Oh, well, you’re gonna have to have that.

Penny: And oh. I also…

Elf: [yelling] That’s enough. You asked for two things. That’s enough. Read the room.

Penny: But I want a rainbow high doll.

Elf: I said no. It’s too much. He can’t do it.

Santa: Sprinkles, of course I can do it. I’m Santa. You’ll get all yes for and more, Penny. I promise you.

Penny: Thanks, Santa.

Elf: Next!

Bowen: Is everything okay

Elf: Yes.

Santa: It is?

Elf: I said yes.

Bowen: Okay, this is Danny. He’s 11.

Santa: Hey.

Danny: Hi. My mom says soon I’ll be too old to come see you. So I should go now.

Santa: Nonsense. You’re never too old now. What do you want this year?

Danny: Well, I was thinking I want a Razor X skateboard and Beats wireless headphones and a Todd Snyder popover hoodie.

Elf: Oh my God. Are you trying to kill him?

Danny: What?

Elf: He cannot operate on this level. You want to Todd Snyder what?

Danny: Popover hoodie.

Elf: He doesn’t know what that is.

Santa: Of course I do. It’s like a hoodie with a thing. It’s a wonderful gift.

Elf: What happened to the air pods he got you last year?

Danny: I lost them.

Elf: Ah, you son of a bitch, get out of here. No more shit. [stands and walks to Danny, pulls him off and pushes him out] Now, stay out. Next.

Santa: Sprinkles.

Elf: What?

Santa: You have legs.

Elf: Yes. My god. Three years now. Thanks for noticing.

Santa: Yeah. That’s amazing.

Bowen: Okay, I’m not sure this is a good idea. But this is Amanda.

Santa: Hi, Amanda, aren’t you cute.

Amanda: I want Taylor Swift tickets.

Elf: Say that again. I dare you.

Amanda: I want Taylor Swift tickets.

Elf: [yelling] Then get a job.

Santa: Sprinkles. Can I talk with you?

Elf: What are you doing? You’re just saying yes to everything.

Santa: But I love children.

Elf: There are 2 billion of them. And they all want a fortnight battle passes, whatever the hell it is.

Santa: Sprinkles, calm down. Every year you worry we can’t pull it off. But we always do. And we’ll do it this year too, I promise.

Elf: With fixedness magic?

Santa: Well, there’s this other stuff I heard about. And it’s called speed.

Elf: Speed? What’s that?

Santa: Well, it’s some kind of vitamin that makes you go faster. We just have to figure out where to get some.

Elf: Well, can’t you ask one of the kids that they have any?

Santa: No, I’m not allowed to ask them for stuff. But maybe if one of them brings it up, you know, I can kind of ask them.

Elf: Okay, let’s try.

Santa: Okay. Hi, little girl. What’s your name?

Lisa: Hi, I’m Lisa and I want to pony.

Santa: Oh, that’s great. You know anything about speed?

Lisa: No. What is that?

Santa: Oh, this kid’s nothing. Get out of here.

Elf: Hey wait, that guy knows I bet.

Bowen: Who? Me?

Elf: He knows. He knows.

Santa: He definitely knows. Come here little boy.

[Bowen whispers in Santa’s ears]

Uh-huh. And they take cash.

Elf: Christmas is safe.

Weekend Update- Elon Musk Buys Twitter, Companies Cut Ties with Kanye West

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Elon Must and Twitter logo at left top corner.]

This week, Elon Musk officially bought Twitter for $44 billion, beating out the next highest offer of $0. Musk sent an open letter to advertisers saying that he doesn’t want Twitter to become a free for all hellscape because that’s his plan for Mars. I honestly don’t understand why people are so worried that Elon is going to ruin Twitter as if it’s this beloved American institution. It’s not like he bought Disney World. It’s like he bought the rest of Orlando.

Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Herschel Walker denied allegations from a second woman that he pushed her to have an abortion saying “I’m done with this foolishness,” which is also what Walker says when he takes off the condom. The woman claims that Walker drove her to an abortion clinic then waited in the parking lot for hours until she had the procedure. Not only that. While he was in the parking lot, he got two more women pregnant.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Fetterman and Dr. Oz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: John Fetterman, who is still recovering from a stroke, and Dr. Mehmet Oz met for their only debate before the midterms. And just like in his puppy experiments, Dr. Oz showed no mercy. Fetterman began his opening statement by saying “Good night everybody.” It was a bizarre baffling comment that debate watchers called his high point. Regardless of your politics, it’s never a great sign when most of the post debate commentary is from brain doctors. I really don’t understand why Fetterman was allowed to do this debate. Who’s his campaign manager? The Miami Dolphins concussion doctor? Also, it’s not Dr. Oz did great. He just did slightly better than a recent stroke victim. At one point, he said the decision to have abortion should include local political leaders, which sounds like a perfect way to get an abortion five years late and 60 million over budget.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Pelosi’s husband is gravely injured in hammer attack by an intruder” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Things are definitely getting way out of hand in this country because when I heard that a guy barged into a house with a hammer looking for Nancy Pelosi, my first thought was “Oh no, was it Kanye?” Kanye West has now been dropped by Adidas, the Gap, Balenciaga and all Bar Mitzvah playlists. In the wake of Kanye’s anti semitic comments, Adidas said it will stop making Yeezy shoes. Fans of Yeezy say it’s the worst thing that happened to them since any puddle. Kanye was also probably closed Donda Academy which is a private school that forces parents to sign non disclosure agreements. “Wait we can do NDAs?” said Catholic school priests.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Is it just me or did half the companies that dropped Kanye sound fake? I saw the headline “TJ Maxx cuts ties with Kanye.” I was like, “Did Kanye know he worked for TJ Maxx?” Also, unless we already associated you with Kanye, you didn’t have to announce you’re cutting ties. We didn’t need Peloton to announce, “We’re no longer playing Kanye’s music.” Thanks, peloton. Now we can rest easy knowing we won’t hear gold digger while we have a heart attack on your bike. At some point I actually started getting excited about who is going to announce next? Dippin Dots will no longer work with— Scrub Daddy is cutting ties— TCBY will discontinue their watch the cone menu featuring the hit flavor nougats and pretzels. The craziest one, which is somehow real, somehow real is that Goodwill dropped Kanye. They will no longer accept donations of Kanye’s clothing. Which is ironic because Kanye has lost enough money that he might need them.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rishi Sunak at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rishi Sunak will become Great Britain’s first ever Prime Minister of Indian descent. Said his mom, “Okay, why not King?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During a White House ceremony, President Biden wished Kamala Harris a happy birthday, then accidentally called her a great president. Even worse, he was talking to a portrait of Michelle Obama.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ruth Bader Ginsburg at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Postal Service announced a new stamp honoring the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. There’s also a stamp honoring Clarence Thomas that says “Flip me over and start licking.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of mathematical problem at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that during the pandemic, students math scores dropped by almost Colin Jost0%. Wow, so more than half!

The world’s largest timber tower and suspension bridge has opened in Michigan. “For now,” said beavers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Hijacked bus crashes into pole.”]

Michael Che: Police in Queens were searching for a suspect who hijacked a bus and then immediately crashed it into a utility pole. Okay, so we know it’s a woman.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Virgin Australia logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Virgin Australia is trying to get people to choose the middle seat by enrolling everyone who sits in those seats a chance to win over 200,000 in prizes. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines is offering a free bag of carrots if you sit in the bathroom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Training dogs to detect semen” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in England are now using specially trained dogs to detect semen at crime scenes. This replaces the old method of detecting semen, slipping on it.

Dinner with the Dean

Vanessa… Cecily Strong

Louis… Jake Gyllenhaal

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Vanessa talking to Andrew and Chloe]

Vanessa: So then Louis says, “If you could only cook as well as you could argue, we could fire the chef.” And I said, “Well, Louis, if you could make love as well as you argue, we could fire the gardener.” Ha-ha-ha-ha

Louis: Alright, dear, I think you’ve had enough. You’re boring our guests so much, they’ll think we’re even duller than when they got here.

Andrew: Oh, well, thank you, Professor Williams and your wife, Vanessa Williams. It was an honor to get a dinner invitation from the Dean of–

Vanessa: Junior Dean.

Louis: Yeah!

Andrew: Junior Dean of the Fine Arts Program here at Beige College. But we really should be going.

Chloe: Yes. You see, it’s well past nine and we’re trying to have a baby.

Vanessa: We almost had one of those once. Remember, dear?

Louis: If I recall, it was all your fault.

Vanessa: How dare you, you washed up piece of–

Louis: [Grunts] Watch it, old girl.

Vanessa: Or what? You’re worried I’ll tell them about your art?

Louis: Darling, I’m warning you.

Andrew: Oh, Professor, I just thought you were a historian. I didn’t know you were an artist as well.

Louis: I’m not.

Vanessa: Oh, don’t be modest, Louis. Show them. Show them your art.

Louis: It’s not ready yet and you know that!

Vanessa: You’ve been saying that for Vanessa5 years. Show them or I will!

Louis: Vanessa Joan Williams, you’re turning over very thin line.

Chloe: Well, I do love art.

Vanessa: Ha! Then you’re in luck. Well, which one should we look at first?

Louis: I said they’re not finished! Now, sit down or I will sit you down.

Vanessa: Oh, here is a good one. You were working on this one the day we met.

Louis: The day the sun went out. Now put it away.

Vanessa: [holding a painting] He told me he was painting it for his father. He was going to show it in Paris.

Louis: Give it to me, you witch.

Vanessa: I was going to be the wife of a famous artist and we’d have a baby right after. Let me show them.

Louis: It’s not finished, you childish shrew! [Vanessa slaps Louis] Oh! Oh, the devil is a woman!

Andrew: Oh, we don’t have to see it. Not if you’re going to hit each other over it.

Vanessa: No. You need to see what my husband could do if he had the stuff to finish anything. [the painting is of a dog reading newspaper. The headline says “Man bites dog!”]

Chloe: Oh. Oh, my.

Louis: It’s not finished. I never got the expression right. And the writing on the back of the paper is just squiggles.

Andrew: Well, I think the painting is great the way you have it, but we really should go.

Vanessa: No, no, no. Sit down. The art show is just getting started. You need to see the reason my husband never gave me a baby.

[Vanessa shows another painting of a pug holding a lightsaber.]

Louis: It’s not finished.

Andrew: What more would you do to it?

Chloe: And why is that why you don’t have a baby?

Louis: He locked himself in his studio night after night, screaming, torturing himself.

Louis: You’ve got a lot of twisted thoughts in that head of yours.

Vanessa: Don’t interrupt, dear. I’m telling our guests about the dark places you would go so you can make art like this.

[It’s a picture of a dog sitting with a robe on holding a TV remote and a bowl of popcorn.]

Andrew: That one’s a photograph, right?

Louis: Well, it’s not finished, but yes, it is. Photos are art, too. Now, let’s stop this and get my wife another drink. It’s the only way to plug her mouth.

Vanessa: Or we could look at your self portrait. I call it “Why I Don’t Have a Baby. [It’s a painting of a dog painting]

Louis: Put it away! They don’t want to see that! It’s too dark! Oh! Oh, that’s why I never sold anything. They’re all too dark.

Andrew: And that’s you?

Louis: Yes, it’s me and my studio, but it’s not finished.I was going to add a thought bubble that said, “It’s a living.” But what does it matter now? Are you happy, dear? You’ve shown them what a heartless creature you are and what a failure your husband is.

Vanessa: And that’s why we can’t escape each other and why we can never have children.

Louis: Cheers to that.

Chloe: And why again is that keeping you from having children?

Andrew: Stop asking that.

Vanessa: Here’s your answer. Look at this one. [It’s a picture of a jacked dog]

Louis: That one actually is finished.

Tina Fey & Michael Che with a Special Christmas Weekend Update

Tina Fey

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Tina Fey and Michael Che on SNL stage]

Michael Che: Hey, what’s up? I’m Michael Che.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey

Michael Che: Okay, so this is the part of the show where we would normally do Update and Tina was gonna do update with me because Colin is not here tonight.

Tina Fey: It’s not what you think. He’s having worked on?

Michael Che: So, we thought we’d read these dumb jokes anyway, and just see if we can make these guys laugh.

[Tom Hanks, Paul Rudd and Kenan Thompson are only the audience they have]

Tina Fey: Yeah, you guys ready? Hanks, are you ready? May I call you Hanks?

Tom Hanks: I’d rather you did.

Tina Fey: Okay. And can we confirm that you have never heard these jokes before?

Tom Hanks: Not a one. Except the two you blew in the rehearse.

Michael Che: Alright. Perfect. Well, it’s Christmas. So, let’s start with some good news, Tina. O.J. Simpson has been released from parole two months early because of good behavior. Said O.J., “I can’t believe I got out of parole early but I did it. I did it.”

Tina Fey: Time Magazine has named Elon Musk person of the year. You can read more about it on your phone while your Tesla is self driving you into a lake.

Michael Che: It was revealed that on January 6, three Fox News hosts all texted Mark Meadows to urge him to get Trump to call off his supporters. And you know you’ve gone too far when Fox News is like, “Somebody better calm these white people down.”

Tina Fey: This week marks the one year anniversary of the first person in the US to get the COVID vaccine and all I had to do was lying about being a nurse. I blew it again!

Michael Che: Mayor elect Eric Adams has selected New York City’s first ever female police commissioner, which means policing is about to get a lot more passive aggressive. There’s more. You wanna hear the other part? Instead of stop and frisk, they’re gonna go through your phone while you’re in the shower.

Tina Fey: German police have broken up a plot by anti vaxxers to kill a local official over vaccine mandates. It’s a classic conflict between Germany’s two favorite things, violence and rules. Hanks likes that one. Because it’s about Germans.

Michael Che: A judge in Louisiana took a leave of absence after she was caught on video using the N word, which is the kind of story that makes me wonder why are me and Kenan the only cast members here?

Tina Fey: One of the creators of the original Nintendo Entertainment System has died at the age of 78 after doctors made multiple attempts to blow on him and stick him back in.

Michael Che: Texas police arrested a woman after she tried to hide inside of a refrigerator. So, congratulations to the fat cop who decided to check out the fridge during the raid.

Tina Fey: NASA announced that for the first time in history a spacecraft has touched the sun by flying through its upper atmosphere, NASA was finally able to complete the impossible mission by going at night.

Michael Che: That’s smart.

Tina Fey: It’s a thinker.

Michael Che: After 37 players in the NFL tested positive in one day, the league is mandating booster shots for coaches and some team personnel. And hopefully the Jets booster shots will come with a little bit of steroids.

Tina Fey: The FDA said it will permanently allow people to get abortion pills through the mail which means your pill should arrive just in time for your child’s first birthday.

Michael Che: Oh you’ll like this one, Hanks. Dozens of camels were disqualified from Saudi Arabia’s annual camel beauty contest because they got botox and facelifts to make them more attractive. But hey man, we ain’t looking at their faces. Am I right? [Tom Hanks is laughing hard] Look at his face!

Tom Hanks: You’re killing me.

Tina Fey: The Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer hours after being accused of kicking a player. Worse the player was somehow returned for a touchdown.

Michael Che: Bakers in Massachusetts have created the world’s largest pot brownie weighing 850 pounds. They came up with the idea after eating the world’s second largest pot brownie.

Tina Fey: A Florida man was kicked off a plane for wearing women’s underwear as a facemask because federal law requires you to at least put in a maxi pad. That one stays.

Michael Che: It was reported that Bruce Springsteen sold the rights for his music catalog for more than $500 million. So, hopefully he finally has money to move out of New Jersey.

Tina Fey: An ethics panel has ordered Andrew Cuomo to return the $5 million in profits he earned from the book he wrote about the pandemic. Said Cuomo “Okay, but you got to reach down in my pocket and take it out yourself sweetheart.” For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight. Merry Christmas.

 

An Evening with Pete

[Starts with Paul Rudd in SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: Every Christmas, we find ourselves returning to the old black and white Christmas classics. A Christmas Carol “It’s a Wonderful Life” or if you’re Pete Davidson, “Raging Bull”. On that note, here’s a piece we finished filming at 5am this morning, An evening with Pete. It’s got Pete Davidson, Mikey day, Chloe Fineman, Chris Redd, Andrew Dismukes and James Austin Johnson, and Colin Jost… sort of.

[Cut to Pete Davidson in his dressing room talking to himself]

Pete: Alright, Pete. You still got it baby. You’re the champ. You could still do update with the best of them.

Andrew: [knocks the door] Five minutes Mr. Davidson.

Pete: I’ll be there in six.

[Cut to the show hall. The bartender is a robot. Colin Jost is also a robot.]

Robot Colin Jost: Good evening. I’m Colin Jost. Here with his thoughts on the state of the world is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Thank you. Thank you. As you know, I am from Staten Island. Do you guys know the difference between Gilligan’s Island and Staten Island? One’s full of a bunch of morons who are stuck there for the rest of their lives. And another one’s an old TV show.

Audience: Do Chad.

Pete: Yeah. No. Not gonna do that pal.

Audience: Come on. Just do Chad.

Pete: You can’t just do Chad. Okay? It takes two people. It’s like a whole thing.

Audience: Come on! Just do it.

Pete: Alright, fine. You want chad, I’ll do Chad. [takes a deep breath] Okay.

[audience laughing and clapping]

Robot Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

[Instrumental beat of “Slim Shady” playing]

Pete: [rapping] Hi, my name is… what?
my name is… who?
my name is… wicked wicked warn baby

[Andrew and Chloe are watching Pete]

Chloe: Who exactly is the audience for this?

Andrew: I don’t know. God, he’s sweating like a pig.

Chloe: Yeah. He eats a whole turkey before coming on stage every night.

Andrew: God.

Chris: [to Pete] Hey, boss. Some guy is outside saying he knows you. He just tried to jump the line. Says he’s the right for you or something like that.

[Chris opens the door. Eddy Corbin is freezing outside]

Eddy Corbin: Pete! Hey, it’s your old pal Eddy Corbin. I brought you a Christmas present.

Pete: I’ve never seen him before in my life.

Eddy Corbin: But Pete, we shared an office together. I wrote all your updates and your sketches for you. I stayed up all night while you were at the Knicks games.

Pete: What do you want? A medal? Get out of here, you bum! Shut the door.

Eddy Corbin: It’s okay, Pete. It’s good to see you. Just text me whatever.

[Cut to Pete on stage]

Pete: Thank you. Thank you. Next, I’d like to do a song with my dear friend, Machine Gun Kelly.

[Pete puts an urn with Machine Gun Kelly’s photo on it on the chair]

I’ll take the first verse.

[Cut to Pete at the bar sitting with James]

Pete: So there I was completely dressed as the Grinch about to get into a fight with that no neck guy from ninth grade.

James: Great. I gotta go actually.

Pete: Oh. Okay. How about you ladies? Would you like another drink?

[ladies leave too] [sad music playing. Pete is looking around at others. He’s alone. He opens the gift Eddy Corbin brought him. It’s marijuana.] [Cut to Eddy Corbin shivering out at night. Pete walks to him.]

Pete: Cold night, huh?

Eddy: Yeah. Pete?

Pete: Come on, bud. We have a lot of catching up to do.

[Cut to Pete and Eddy sitting with the others]

Pete: You guys know how I was a famous sex symbol for reasons no one could understand. This is the guy who came up with that. He told me to do that.

Chloe: Seriously? How did you come up with that?

Eddy: Well, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I jotted it down. The rest is history.

Andrew: Was it also his idea of to like cover your body in tattoos and painfully removed them one by one?

Pete: Sure.

[Cut to Pete and Eddy alone]

Pete: Listen, Eddy. I know he never got the credit he deserved. So, I want you to have this. It’s one of my Oscars.

Eddy: Oh wow. Viola Davis Lifetime Achievement Award. Pete, where did you get this?

Pete: Do you want it or not?

Eddy: Yeah. Thank you.

[Cut to Pete at the stage]

Pete: Well, folks, it’s been a great night. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. And remember, it’s not Christmas without fireworks and hot dogs.

Eddy: That’s 4th of July, Pete.

Pete: Yeah, that’s right. Anyway, we’ve come to the end of the show, which means it’s time for me to say…

[singing] goodbye for now
we’ll see each other again
we know that most always near
you know that I’ll be waiting here for you
waiting for you
Pete Davidson Show

What Up With That- Oscar Isaac, Emily Ratajkowski and Nicholas Braun

Mikey Day

Oscar Isaac

Emily Ratajkowski

Nicholas Braun

Deandre Cole… Kenan Thompson

Vance… Jason Sudeikis

Giuseppe… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Mikey introducing the show]

Mikey: It’s “What’s Up With That?”, Halloween edition. Taking on the issues of today with soul. Tonight from Doom, Oscar Isaac. [cheers and applause] Model an actress, Emily Ratajkowski. [cheers and applause] And from Succession, Nicholas Braun. [cheers and applause] Here’s your host, Deandre Cole.

[Deandre Cole walks in]

Deandre Cole: [singing] I woke up this morning and I got out of bed
had a big old cup of coffee to clear my head
hiding from the ghost and a scary black cat
to trick or treat and tell me what’s up with that
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

What’s up with that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. 

Well, thank you very much for joining us on What’s Up With That where we are excited about Halloween. It might get a little creepy. Might get a little sneaky. Might get a little peaky. Don’t got to sleepy. It’s gonna be spooky, cooky, ooky, goopy, soupy, loopy, it’s the great pumpkin snoopy

[singing] Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Vance walks in dancing and Giuseppe walks in playing sax] Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, what’s up, I say what’s up, somebody tell me what is up with that?
Now if I’m out here trick or treating, don’t you give me no damn fruit, yeah!

Okay. Well, that was fun. That was fun. Vance, man, good to see you. How are those knees doing? And Giuseppe, I hope your wife is feeling better. [Guiseppe is laughing] That wasn’t a joke, Guiseppe. Okay. Joining us tonight is the great actor Oscar Isaac who is dressed up as a pirate.

Oscar Isaac: Ha-ha. Ohoi! Good to see you, Deandre. Good to see you.

Deandre Cole: It’s good to see you too. We go way back. You remember Miami? I know you do. I know you do. And next to him, we have Emily Ratajkowski. She is a cat.

Emily Ratajkowski: Meow, Deandre.

Deandre Cole: Well, me to the yow to you too. And next, he has been on every show that we have ever had for the past 1Oscar Isaac years, Lindsay Buckenham.

Nicholas Braun: No. No. Sorry. I’m–

Deandre Cole: Lindsay, that is the best cousin Greg from Succession costume I have ever seen.

Nicholaus Braun: No, no. I am Nicholaus Braun.

Deandre Cole: Whatever, Lindsay. You are the busiest man in the show biz with projects like Scenes from Marriage, the Card Counter and Doom. How do you play so many different characters?

Oscar Isaac: It’s a good question. Well, no. They’re all different people. But there are similarities to them. [drum hi-hat starts playing] What is that? No, no, no, you’re not gonna do that to me, right?

Deandre Cole: No. No. Go ahead.

Oscar Isaac: Okay. Well, in the sense, all the characters are going to go through existential crisis.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Existential crisis.

Oscar Isaac: Uh, huh. And you know, there’s like a sense of poetry to them. They all deal with pain and loss, confusion.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Pain, loss and confusion.

Oscar Isaac: Yeah. So, for me, it’s all about whether there’s room to explore something interesting.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Exploring in the depths, and I got to say
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

ladies and gentlemen, get ready to get freaky and funky because they are the spookiest disco group in the world, the HeeBee Beegees.

[HeeBee Beegees walk in dancing]

HeeBee Beegees: [singing] eat your face, HeeBee Beegees
you better eat your face, that beautiful face

Deandre Cole: Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Ladies and gentlemen, he got along in the 2003 baseball play offs, Chicago Cubs outcast, Steve Bartman.

[Steve Bartman walk in and dances]

Go Bartman, go Bartman. Got the baseball, got the baseball. You’re forgiven, you’re forgiven.

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that?
Somebody pull liners at the pumpkin patch that dump and miss Halloween again, Yeah!

Whoo! Well, we out of time. But I wanna thank Oscar Isaac for being here.

Oscar Isaac: Yeah. That went exactly as I thought it would go. Yeah.

Deandre Cole: And thank you to Ms. Emily Ratatakowski.

Emily Ratajkowski: I flew out for this?

Deandre Cole: And thank you for your service. And oh no, Lindsay Buckenham. Man, I wanted to hear all the secrets behind the cousin Greg costume. I’m sorry.

Nicholaus Braun: I’m actually Nicholas Braun. Please.

Deandre Cole: You are a sneaky one, Lindsay. Go win the cousin Greg contest. And Vance, take care of your knees, man. [Vance is drinking whiskey out the bottle] Until next time.

[singing] Hey, hey, hey, hey,
Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Science Room with Jason Sudeikis

Mr. Teacher… Jason Sudeikis

Lonnie… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

Father… Kyle Mooney

Mother… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with the show intro]

Female voice: The PBS learning afternoon. Up next, an all new science room.

[cut to Mr. Teacher standing in front of a huge periodic table]

Mr. Teacher: You know, I don’t study this table all the time. Just periodically. Hey there, future scientists. Welcome to the Science Room. I’m your host Mr. Teacher and today I’m being joined by two junior volunteers, Lonnie and Josh. How are you guys doing today?

Josh: Good.

Lonnie: Bad.

[They both are acting awkward]

Mr. Teacher: Hey, don’t worry. I’m nervous too. Okie, dokie. So, today, we are learning gravity.  [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] Yeah. And to do so, we are going to use this model. [Mr. Teacher picks up a solar system model. Lonnie and Josh start clapping] Yeah. Now, who knows what this is?

Lonnie: Balls.

Mr. Teacher: Um, yes, they are. But this is actually a model of our solar system. And these aren’t just balls. They’re actually planets. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] You know, I love your enthusiasm but you guys don’t have to clap after everything I say. Okay? Now, Josh, can you point the planet earth on this model? [Josh points at the sun] No, no, Josh. That’s the sun. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] No, no, don’t clap Lonnie. Stop, stop. Remmeber? Josh is wrong here. We’re not applauding anymore. Right? Let’s remember that. Lonnie, why don’t you help Josh out? Why don’t you please point to planet earth? [Lonnie holds the sun] No, did you not just see? No. Look, earth is right here. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] No, no, no. Stop. Stop.

Lonnie: Sorry.

Mr. Teacher: No, don’t apologize. Just don’t do it anymore. Then you don’t have to apologize. You don’t do it, you don’t apologize.

Josh: Okay.

Mr. Teacher: Okay, good. Okay, now gravity is the principle that all things with mass are attracted to one another. And gravity is– [Lonnie and Josh start playing with the solar system model] Don’t mess with them. Don’t mess with them. You don’t have to mess with them. Gravity is what makes our planets– No, stop. Stop touching it. It makes our planets orbit around the sun. Knock it off, okay? Stop! They orbit around the sun because– I swear to god! Because sun is a large– Okay, you know what? Stop! How about this? Let’s do this. Let’s just name some of the planets, okay? Now this one right here, what’s this?

Lonnie: A ball.

Mr. Teacher: No, Lonnie. No. Remember they’re planets, okay? Remember? Okay? This is planet…

Lonnie: Hollywood?

Mr. Teacher: No. Josh. It’s next to the sun. It’s very hot.

Josh: Oh. Phoenix?

Mr. Teacher: No. That’s a city in Arizona.

Josh: Oh, Tempi?

Mr. Teacher: No, forget it. Okay? You know what? Let’s just move on. Are you guys okay? Like, emotionally? Everything okay? [Lonnie an Josh nod their heads] Alright. Just checking. Let’s talk about gravity’s relationship with matter. Josh, what is matter?

Josh: Nothing, I’m good.

Mr. Teacher: No, no, no. Josh. I didn’t ask what’s the matter. I asked what is matter?

Josh: Um, black lives?

Mr. Teacher: No! No, no, no.

Lonnie: All lives?

Mr. Teacher: No. Not all lives. No! Matter is any substance that takes up space.

Lonnie: Oh, like the balls?

Mr. Teacher: No! Not like the balls. They’re not balls. Okay, stop it. Just ignore the balls.

Lonnie: My sister said you should never ignore the balls.

Mr. Teacher: Don’t. Don’t.

Lonnie: My sister said the guy likes it.

Mr. Teacher: Stop. Okay? Stop. Don’t say that. Okay, alright. You know what? Let’s do this. Let’s just move on. We’re gonna do a little experiment to illustrate gravity.

Lonnie: Oh, more balls.

Josh: Yeah.

Mr. Teacher: Stop. No. Look, this is– If I let go of this metal ball right here, what will happen? It will fall…

Josh: In love?

Mr. Teacher: Go to hell. Go to hell, Josh. No. If I drop this heavy ass metal ball, it will drop…

Lonnie: It like it’s hot?

Mr. Teacher: Guys! If I let go of this thing, it will smash…

Josh: That subscribe button?

Mr. Teacher: That’s enough! [throws the ball] Who is in charge of you two? Who is in charge of these two kids? You two, come here. Get out here. Come here. Right here.

[Father and Mother walk in] Who are you?

Father: I’m Josh’s father.

Mr. Teacher: Josh’s father. Okay, well, guess what, sir? You have done a horrible job. Shame on you. You hear me? Yeah. Say you’re sorry. Say it.

Father: I’m sorry.

Mr. Teacher: Alright. Thank you. And who are you, lady?

Mother: I’m Lony’s mom, Lisa.

Mr. Teacher: Lony? I’ve been calling her Lonnie the whole damn time. Lony? You didn’t speak up for yourself? Your name is Lony? Okay, well Lisa, you failed as a mother in every way with this child. Every possible way. Now both of ya, scram! Get the hell out of here. Let’s go. Let’s go. Lisa, let’s go. Beat it. No, not in front of the camera, you jack ass. Move, dummy! Go away! I will kick your ass. Get out of here.

 

Picture with Dad

Shawn… Andrew Dismukes

Elizabeth… Heidi Gardner

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Dad… Beck Bennet

Doctor… Anya Taylor-Joy

Policeman… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Shawn and Elizabeth getting ready for the prom picture a Elizabeth’s home.]

Mom: Okay now, smile. Oh my gosh, you two are so cute. And I got it. Alright. Now I want to do long ways.

Elizabeth: Mom, come on. We’re going to be late.

Mom: Elizabeth, calm down please. I just want one more.

Dad: Oh wait, I got an idea. I’ll be right back.

Mom: Chris, where are you going?

Dad: I got an idea for the picture. It’s going to be great. Hold on.

Elizabeth: Sorry, Shawn, my parents are being so lame.

Shawn: It’s okay, babe. We got time. Mrs. Sanders, take as many as you want.

Mom: Shawn, I knew I liked you. Alright now, scootch together and smile. One… two…

[Dad walks in with a big shotgun.]

Shawn: Whoa!

Elizabeth: Oh my god, dad!

Mom: Chris!

Dad: What? I saw it on the internet. It’s funny.

Mom: Chris, I told you that we weren’t doing this.

Dad: Oh come on, it’s funny.

Elizabeth: Dad, how is it funny?

Dad: Oh, you know, it’s like, “Hey, Mr. You better not try anything or I’ll shoot you.” Ha-ha. People are doing it. It’s a thing. It’s like, bang!

Mom: Chris!

Dad: Oh, come on, relax. [Dad shoots himself at his penis]

[Ten minutes later]
[Dad is taken to the hospital]

Doctor: Okay, what do we got?

Policeman: Male, age 48. Blew his [bleep] off taking a photo with his daughter.

Doctor: Their prom picture?

Policeman: Yes.

Mom: Chris, we’re right here.

Dad: Did you get it?

Mom: I tried honey, but it’s pretty rough.

Doctor: Is that his–

Mom: Yes. [Mom shows his blown off penis inside a container.]

Dad: Is it alright?

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Sanders. Looks like we will not be able to reattach.

Dad: Okay. You could probably just do it though, right?

Doctor: No, sir. I do not think we can do that.

Dad: You can probably reattach it though, right?

Doctor: No, sir. I don’t think that’s possible.

Dad: But you can just do it though, right?

Doctor: No sir, we can’t.

Dad: Oh god.

Elizabeth: Is my dad going to be okay?

Doctor: I’ll do what I can.

Mom: My god, Chris. How could you be so stupid.

Dad: I wanted to take a funny picture.

Mom: What is funny about holding a gun around kids?

Dad: Cause I don’t want them to have sex.

Mom: They’ve been dating for three years. They’ve had sex.

Dad: What?

Elizabeth: Yes, dad. We’ve done it a lot.

Dad: When?

Elizabeth: Well, you know when we went to Jamaica and you didn’t see us the entire trip?

Dad: Yeah.

Elizabeth: Well, then.

Shawn: Yeah. And do you remember all those times that you wake up and I’m in the kitchen shirtless drinking a gatorade?

Dad: Yeah.

Shawn: Well, those times too.

Dad: Oh, why?

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Sanders. we’re going into operation. So, we’re going to have to put you under, alright?

Dad: Wait! Wait! Lizzy, I’m sorry I ruined your prom by blowing my [bleep] off with my gun.

Elizabeth: It’s okay, dad.

Dad: And Laura, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you and so I blew my little [bleep] off with my big old gun.

Mom: It’s fine, Chris.

Dad: And Shawn, you’re like a son to me. You take good care of my daughter.

Shawn: Thanks Mr. Sanders.

Dad: But tonight out of respect of me, please don’t have sex with each other.

Shawn: Okay. We will, but yeah.

Dad: No, but just tonight, don’t.

Shawn: Yes. We’re going to. But okay.

Dad: Look, just tonight, out of respect for my condition. Please don’t.

Shawn: Yes, sir. We will though. But yeah.

Dad: No. For me, just tonight, don’t.

Elizabeth: You got it, dad. We are, but yeah.

Dad: I’m saying don’t do it.

Elizabeth: You got it.

Shawn: Yeah, we are though.

Dad: I blew my [bleep] off tonight. Please don’t have sex with each other.

[doctor puts oxygen mask on Dad.]