Tina Fey & Michael Che with a Special Christmas Weekend Update

Tina Fey

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Tina Fey and Michael Che on SNL stage]

Michael Che: Hey, what’s up? I’m Michael Che.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey

Michael Che: Okay, so this is the part of the show where we would normally do Update and Tina was gonna do update with me because Colin is not here tonight.

Tina Fey: It’s not what you think. He’s having worked on?

Michael Che: So, we thought we’d read these dumb jokes anyway, and just see if we can make these guys laugh.

[Tom Hanks, Paul Rudd and Kenan Thompson are only the audience they have]

Tina Fey: Yeah, you guys ready? Hanks, are you ready? May I call you Hanks?

Tom Hanks: I’d rather you did.

Tina Fey: Okay. And can we confirm that you have never heard these jokes before?

Tom Hanks: Not a one. Except the two you blew in the rehearse.

Michael Che: Alright. Perfect. Well, it’s Christmas. So, let’s start with some good news, Tina. O.J. Simpson has been released from parole two months early because of good behavior. Said O.J., “I can’t believe I got out of parole early but I did it. I did it.”

Tina Fey: Time Magazine has named Elon Musk person of the year. You can read more about it on your phone while your Tesla is self driving you into a lake.

Michael Che: It was revealed that on January 6, three Fox News hosts all texted Mark Meadows to urge him to get Trump to call off his supporters. And you know you’ve gone too far when Fox News is like, “Somebody better calm these white people down.”

Tina Fey: This week marks the one year anniversary of the first person in the US to get the COVID vaccine and all I had to do was lying about being a nurse. I blew it again!

Michael Che: Mayor elect Eric Adams has selected New York City’s first ever female police commissioner, which means policing is about to get a lot more passive aggressive. There’s more. You wanna hear the other part? Instead of stop and frisk, they’re gonna go through your phone while you’re in the shower.

Tina Fey: German police have broken up a plot by anti vaxxers to kill a local official over vaccine mandates. It’s a classic conflict between Germany’s two favorite things, violence and rules. Hanks likes that one. Because it’s about Germans.

Michael Che: A judge in Louisiana took a leave of absence after she was caught on video using the N word, which is the kind of story that makes me wonder why are me and Kenan the only cast members here?

Tina Fey: One of the creators of the original Nintendo Entertainment System has died at the age of 78 after doctors made multiple attempts to blow on him and stick him back in.

Michael Che: Texas police arrested a woman after she tried to hide inside of a refrigerator. So, congratulations to the fat cop who decided to check out the fridge during the raid.

Tina Fey: NASA announced that for the first time in history a spacecraft has touched the sun by flying through its upper atmosphere, NASA was finally able to complete the impossible mission by going at night.

Michael Che: That’s smart.

Tina Fey: It’s a thinker.

Michael Che: After 37 players in the NFL tested positive in one day, the league is mandating booster shots for coaches and some team personnel. And hopefully the Jets booster shots will come with a little bit of steroids.

Tina Fey: The FDA said it will permanently allow people to get abortion pills through the mail which means your pill should arrive just in time for your child’s first birthday.

Michael Che: Oh you’ll like this one, Hanks. Dozens of camels were disqualified from Saudi Arabia’s annual camel beauty contest because they got botox and facelifts to make them more attractive. But hey man, we ain’t looking at their faces. Am I right? [Tom Hanks is laughing hard] Look at his face!

Tom Hanks: You’re killing me.

Tina Fey: The Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer hours after being accused of kicking a player. Worse the player was somehow returned for a touchdown.

Michael Che: Bakers in Massachusetts have created the world’s largest pot brownie weighing 850 pounds. They came up with the idea after eating the world’s second largest pot brownie.

Tina Fey: A Florida man was kicked off a plane for wearing women’s underwear as a facemask because federal law requires you to at least put in a maxi pad. That one stays.

Michael Che: It was reported that Bruce Springsteen sold the rights for his music catalog for more than $500 million. So, hopefully he finally has money to move out of New Jersey.

Tina Fey: An ethics panel has ordered Andrew Cuomo to return the $5 million in profits he earned from the book he wrote about the pandemic. Said Cuomo “Okay, but you got to reach down in my pocket and take it out yourself sweetheart.” For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight. Merry Christmas.

 

An Evening with Pete

[Starts with Paul Rudd in SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: Every Christmas, we find ourselves returning to the old black and white Christmas classics. A Christmas Carol “It’s a Wonderful Life” or if you’re Pete Davidson, “Raging Bull”. On that note, here’s a piece we finished filming at 5am this morning, An evening with Pete. It’s got Pete Davidson, Mikey day, Chloe Fineman, Chris Redd, Andrew Dismukes and James Austin Johnson, and Colin Jost… sort of.

[Cut to Pete Davidson in his dressing room talking to himself]

Pete: Alright, Pete. You still got it baby. You’re the champ. You could still do update with the best of them.

Andrew: [knocks the door] Five minutes Mr. Davidson.

Pete: I’ll be there in six.

[Cut to the show hall. The bartender is a robot. Colin Jost is also a robot.]

Robot Colin Jost: Good evening. I’m Colin Jost. Here with his thoughts on the state of the world is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Thank you. Thank you. As you know, I am from Staten Island. Do you guys know the difference between Gilligan’s Island and Staten Island? One’s full of a bunch of morons who are stuck there for the rest of their lives. And another one’s an old TV show.

Audience: Do Chad.

Pete: Yeah. No. Not gonna do that pal.

Audience: Come on. Just do Chad.

Pete: You can’t just do Chad. Okay? It takes two people. It’s like a whole thing.

Audience: Come on! Just do it.

Pete: Alright, fine. You want chad, I’ll do Chad. [takes a deep breath] Okay.

[audience laughing and clapping]

Robot Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

[Instrumental beat of “Slim Shady” playing]

Pete: [rapping] Hi, my name is… what?
my name is… who?
my name is… wicked wicked warn baby

[Andrew and Chloe are watching Pete]

Chloe: Who exactly is the audience for this?

Andrew: I don’t know. God, he’s sweating like a pig.

Chloe: Yeah. He eats a whole turkey before coming on stage every night.

Andrew: God.

Chris: [to Pete] Hey, boss. Some guy is outside saying he knows you. He just tried to jump the line. Says he’s the right for you or something like that.

[Chris opens the door. Eddy Corbin is freezing outside]

Eddy Corbin: Pete! Hey, it’s your old pal Eddy Corbin. I brought you a Christmas present.

Pete: I’ve never seen him before in my life.

Eddy Corbin: But Pete, we shared an office together. I wrote all your updates and your sketches for you. I stayed up all night while you were at the Knicks games.

Pete: What do you want? A medal? Get out of here, you bum! Shut the door.

Eddy Corbin: It’s okay, Pete. It’s good to see you. Just text me whatever.

[Cut to Pete on stage]

Pete: Thank you. Thank you. Next, I’d like to do a song with my dear friend, Machine Gun Kelly.

[Pete puts an urn with Machine Gun Kelly’s photo on it on the chair]

I’ll take the first verse.

[Cut to Pete at the bar sitting with James]

Pete: So there I was completely dressed as the Grinch about to get into a fight with that no neck guy from ninth grade.

James: Great. I gotta go actually.

Pete: Oh. Okay. How about you ladies? Would you like another drink?

[ladies leave too] [sad music playing. Pete is looking around at others. He’s alone. He opens the gift Eddy Corbin brought him. It’s marijuana.] [Cut to Eddy Corbin shivering out at night. Pete walks to him.]

Pete: Cold night, huh?

Eddy: Yeah. Pete?

Pete: Come on, bud. We have a lot of catching up to do.

[Cut to Pete and Eddy sitting with the others]

Pete: You guys know how I was a famous sex symbol for reasons no one could understand. This is the guy who came up with that. He told me to do that.

Chloe: Seriously? How did you come up with that?

Eddy: Well, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I jotted it down. The rest is history.

Andrew: Was it also his idea of to like cover your body in tattoos and painfully removed them one by one?

Pete: Sure.

[Cut to Pete and Eddy alone]

Pete: Listen, Eddy. I know he never got the credit he deserved. So, I want you to have this. It’s one of my Oscars.

Eddy: Oh wow. Viola Davis Lifetime Achievement Award. Pete, where did you get this?

Pete: Do you want it or not?

Eddy: Yeah. Thank you.

[Cut to Pete at the stage]

Pete: Well, folks, it’s been a great night. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. And remember, it’s not Christmas without fireworks and hot dogs.

Eddy: That’s 4th of July, Pete.

Pete: Yeah, that’s right. Anyway, we’ve come to the end of the show, which means it’s time for me to say…

[singing] goodbye for now
we’ll see each other again
we know that most always near
you know that I’ll be waiting here for you
waiting for you
Pete Davidson Show

What Up With That- Oscar Isaac, Emily Ratajkowski and Nicholas Braun

Mikey Day

Oscar Isaac

Emily Ratajkowski

Nicholas Braun

Deandre Cole… Kenan Thompson

Vance… Jason Sudeikis

Giuseppe… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Mikey introducing the show]

Mikey: It’s “What’s Up With That?”, Halloween edition. Taking on the issues of today with soul. Tonight from Doom, Oscar Isaac. [cheers and applause] Model an actress, Emily Ratajkowski. [cheers and applause] And from Succession, Nicholas Braun. [cheers and applause] Here’s your host, Deandre Cole.

[Deandre Cole walks in]

Deandre Cole: [singing] I woke up this morning and I got out of bed
had a big old cup of coffee to clear my head
hiding from the ghost and a scary black cat
to trick or treat and tell me what’s up with that

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

What’s up with that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. 

Well, thank you very much for joining us on What’s Up With That where we are excited about Halloween. It might get a little creepy. Might get a little sneaky. Might get a little peaky. Don’t got to sleepy. It’s gonna be spooky, cooky, ooky, goopy, soupy, loopy, it’s the great pumpkin snoopy

[singing] Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Vance walks in dancing and Giuseppe walks in playing sax] Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, what’s up, I say what’s up, somebody tell me what is up with that?

Now if I’m out here trick or treating, don’t you give me no damn fruit, yeah!

Okay. Well, that was fun. That was fun. Vance, man, good to see you. How are those knees doing? And Giuseppe, I hope your wife is feeling better. [Guiseppe is laughing] That wasn’t a joke, Guiseppe. Okay. Joining us tonight is the great actor Oscar Isaac who is dressed up as a pirate.

Oscar Isaac: Ha-ha. Ohoi! Good to see you, Deandre. Good to see you.

Deandre Cole: It’s good to see you too. We go way back. You remember Miami? I know you do. I know you do. And next to him, we have Emily Ratajkowski. She is a cat.

Emily Ratajkowski: Meow, Deandre.

Deandre Cole: Well, me to the yow to you too. And next, he has been on every show that we have ever had for the past 1Oscar Isaac years, Lindsay Buckenham.

Nicholas Braun: No. No. Sorry. I’m–

Deandre Cole: Lindsay, that is the best cousin Greg from Succession costume I have ever seen.

Nicholaus Braun: No, no. I am Nicholaus Braun.

Deandre Cole: Whatever, Lindsay. You are the busiest man in the show biz with projects like Scenes from Marriage, the Card Counter and Doom. How do you play so many different characters?

Oscar Isaac: It’s a good question. Well, no. They’re all different people. But there are similarities to them. [drum hi-hat starts playing] What is that? No, no, no, you’re not gonna do that to me, right?

Deandre Cole: No. No. Go ahead.

Oscar Isaac: Okay. Well, in the sense, all the characters are going to go through existential crisis.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Existential crisis.

Oscar Isaac: Uh, huh. And you know, there’s like a sense of poetry to them. They all deal with pain and loss, confusion.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Pain, loss and confusion.

Oscar Isaac: Yeah. So, for me, it’s all about whether there’s room to explore something interesting.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Exploring in the depths, and I got to say
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

ladies and gentlemen, get ready to get freaky and funky because they are the spookiest disco group in the world, the HeeBee Beegees.

[HeeBee Beegees walk in dancing]

HeeBee Beegees: [singing] eat your face, HeeBee Beegees
you better eat your face, that beautiful face

Deandre Cole: Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Ladies and gentlemen, he got along in the 2003 baseball play offs, Chicago Cubs outcast, Steve Bartman.

[Steve Bartman walk in and dances]

Go Bartman, go Bartman. Got the baseball, got the baseball. You’re forgiven, you’re forgiven.

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that?
Somebody pull liners at the pumpkin patch that dump and miss Halloween again, Yeah!

Whoo! Well, we out of time. But I wanna thank Oscar Isaac for being here.

Oscar Isaac: Yeah. That went exactly as I thought it would go. Yeah.

Deandre Cole: And thank you to Ms. Emily Ratatakowski.

Emily Ratajkowski: I flew out for this?

Deandre Cole: And thank you for your service. And oh no, Lindsay Buckenham. Man, I wanted to hear all the secrets behind the cousin Greg costume. I’m sorry.

Nicholaus Braun: I’m actually Nicholas Braun. Please.

Deandre Cole: You are a sneaky one, Lindsay. Go win the cousin Greg contest. And Vance, take care of your knees, man. [Vance is drinking whiskey out the bottle] Until next time.

[singing] Hey, hey, hey, hey,
Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Science Room with Jason Sudeikis

Mr. Teacher… Jason Sudeikis

Lonnie… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

Father… Kyle Mooney

Mother… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with the show intro]

Female voice: The PBS learning afternoon. Up next, an all new science room.

[cut to Mr. Teacher standing in front of a huge periodic table]

Mr. Teacher: You know, I don’t study this table all the time. Just periodically. Hey there, future scientists. Welcome to the Science Room. I’m your host Mr. Teacher and today I’m being joined by two junior volunteers, Lonnie and Josh. How are you guys doing today?

Josh: Good.

Lonnie: Bad.

[They both are acting awkward]

Mr. Teacher: Hey, don’t worry. I’m nervous too. Okie, dokie. So, today, we are learning gravity.  [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] Yeah. And to do so, we are going to use this model. [Mr. Teacher picks up a solar system model. Lonnie and Josh start clapping] Yeah. Now, who knows what this is?

Lonnie: Balls.

Mr. Teacher: Um, yes, they are. But this is actually a model of our solar system. And these aren’t just balls. They’re actually planets. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] You know, I love your enthusiasm but you guys don’t have to clap after everything I say. Okay? Now, Josh, can you point the planet earth on this model? [Josh points at the sun] No, no, Josh. That’s the sun. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] No, no, don’t clap Lonnie. Stop, stop. Remmeber? Josh is wrong here. We’re not applauding anymore. Right? Let’s remember that. Lonnie, why don’t you help Josh out? Why don’t you please point to planet earth? [Lonnie holds the sun] No, did you not just see? No. Look, earth is right here. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] No, no, no. Stop. Stop.

Lonnie: Sorry.

Mr. Teacher: No, don’t apologize. Just don’t do it anymore. Then you don’t have to apologize. You don’t do it, you don’t apologize.

Josh: Okay.

Mr. Teacher: Okay, good. Okay, now gravity is the principle that all things with mass are attracted to one another. And gravity is– [Lonnie and Josh start playing with the solar system model] Don’t mess with them. Don’t mess with them. You don’t have to mess with them. Gravity is what makes our planets– No, stop. Stop touching it. It makes our planets orbit around the sun. Knock it off, okay? Stop! They orbit around the sun because– I swear to god! Because sun is a large– Okay, you know what? Stop! How about this? Let’s do this. Let’s just name some of the planets, okay? Now this one right here, what’s this?

Lonnie: A ball.

Mr. Teacher: No, Lonnie. No. Remember they’re planets, okay? Remember? Okay? This is planet…

Lonnie: Hollywood?

Mr. Teacher: No. Josh. It’s next to the sun. It’s very hot.

Josh: Oh. Phoenix?

Mr. Teacher: No. That’s a city in Arizona.

Josh: Oh, Tempi?

Mr. Teacher: No, forget it. Okay? You know what? Let’s just move on. Are you guys okay? Like, emotionally? Everything okay? [Lonnie an Josh nod their heads] Alright. Just checking. Let’s talk about gravity’s relationship with matter. Josh, what is matter?

Josh: Nothing, I’m good.

Mr. Teacher: No, no, no. Josh. I didn’t ask what’s the matter. I asked what is matter?

Josh: Um, black lives?

Mr. Teacher: No! No, no, no.

Lonnie: All lives?

Mr. Teacher: No. Not all lives. No! Matter is any substance that takes up space.

Lonnie: Oh, like the balls?

Mr. Teacher: No! Not like the balls. They’re not balls. Okay, stop it. Just ignore the balls.

Lonnie: My sister said you should never ignore the balls.

Mr. Teacher: Don’t. Don’t.

Lonnie: My sister said the guy likes it.

Mr. Teacher: Stop. Okay? Stop. Don’t say that. Okay, alright. You know what? Let’s do this. Let’s just move on. We’re gonna do a little experiment to illustrate gravity.

Lonnie: Oh, more balls.

Josh: Yeah.

Mr. Teacher: Stop. No. Look, this is– If I let go of this metal ball right here, what will happen? It will fall…

Josh: In love?

Mr. Teacher: Go to hell. Go to hell, Josh. No. If I drop this heavy ass metal ball, it will drop…

Lonnie: It like it’s hot?

Mr. Teacher: Guys! If I let go of this thing, it will smash…

Josh: That subscribe button?

Mr. Teacher: That’s enough! [throws the ball] Who is in charge of you two? Who is in charge of these two kids? You two, come here. Get out here. Come here. Right here.

[Father and Mother walk in] Who are you?

Father: I’m Josh’s father.

Mr. Teacher: Josh’s father. Okay, well, guess what, sir? You have done a horrible job. Shame on you. You hear me? Yeah. Say you’re sorry. Say it.

Father: I’m sorry.

Mr. Teacher: Alright. Thank you. And who are you, lady?

Mother: I’m Lony’s mom, Lisa.

Mr. Teacher: Lony? I’ve been calling her Lonnie the whole damn time. Lony? You didn’t speak up for yourself? Your name is Lony? Okay, well Lisa, you failed as a mother in every way with this child. Every possible way. Now both of ya, scram! Get the hell out of here. Let’s go. Let’s go. Lisa, let’s go. Beat it. No, not in front of the camera, you jack ass. Move, dummy! Go away! I will kick your ass. Get out of here.

 

Picture with Dad

Shawn… Andrew Dismukes

Elizabeth… Heidi Gardner

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Dad… Beck Bennet

Doctor… Anya Taylor-Joy

Policeman… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Shawn and Elizabeth getting ready for the prom picture a Elizabeth’s home.]

Mom: Okay now, smile. Oh my gosh, you two are so cute. And I got it. Alright. Now I want to do long ways.

Elizabeth: Mom, come on. We’re going to be late.

Mom: Elizabeth, calm down please. I just want one more.

Dad: Oh wait, I got an idea. I’ll be right back.

Mom: Chris, where are you going?

Dad: I got an idea for the picture. It’s going to be great. Hold on.

Elizabeth: Sorry, Shawn, my parents are being so lame.

Shawn: It’s okay, babe. We got time. Mrs. Sanders, take as many as you want.

Mom: Shawn, I knew I liked you. Alright now, scootch together and smile. One… two…

[Dad walks in with a big shotgun.]

Shawn: Whoa!

Elizabeth: Oh my god, dad!

Mom: Chris!

Dad: What? I saw it on the internet. It’s funny.

Mom: Chris, I told you that we weren’t doing this.

Dad: Oh come on, it’s funny.

Elizabeth: Dad, how is it funny?

Dad: Oh, you know, it’s like, “Hey, Mr. You better not try anything or I’ll shoot you.” Ha-ha. People are doing it. It’s a thing. It’s like, bang!

Mom: Chris!

Dad: Oh, come on, relax. [Dad shoots himself at his penis]

[Ten minutes later]
[Dad is taken to the hospital]

Doctor: Okay, what do we got?

Policeman: Male, age 48. Blew his [bleep] off taking a photo with his daughter.

Doctor: Their prom picture?

Policeman: Yes.

Mom: Chris, we’re right here.

Dad: Did you get it?

Mom: I tried honey, but it’s pretty rough.

Doctor: Is that his–

Mom: Yes. [Mom shows his blown off penis inside a container.]

Dad: Is it alright?

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Sanders. Looks like we will not be able to reattach.

Dad: Okay. You could probably just do it though, right?

Doctor: No, sir. I do not think we can do that.

Dad: You can probably reattach it though, right?

Doctor: No, sir. I don’t think that’s possible.

Dad: But you can just do it though, right?

Doctor: No sir, we can’t.

Dad: Oh god.

Elizabeth: Is my dad going to be okay?

Doctor: I’ll do what I can.

Mom: My god, Chris. How could you be so stupid.

Dad: I wanted to take a funny picture.

Mom: What is funny about holding a gun around kids?

Dad: Cause I don’t want them to have sex.

Mom: They’ve been dating for three years. They’ve had sex.

Dad: What?

Elizabeth: Yes, dad. We’ve done it a lot.

Dad: When?

Elizabeth: Well, you know when we went to Jamaica and you didn’t see us the entire trip?

Dad: Yeah.

Elizabeth: Well, then.

Shawn: Yeah. And do you remember all those times that you wake up and I’m in the kitchen shirtless drinking a gatorade?

Dad: Yeah.

Shawn: Well, those times too.

Dad: Oh, why?

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Sanders. we’re going into operation. So, we’re going to have to put you under, alright?

Dad: Wait! Wait! Lizzy, I’m sorry I ruined your prom by blowing my [bleep] off with my gun.

Elizabeth: It’s okay, dad.

Dad: And Laura, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you and so I blew my little [bleep] off with my big old gun.

Mom: It’s fine, Chris.

Dad: And Shawn, you’re like a son to me. You take good care of my daughter.

Shawn: Thanks Mr. Sanders.

Dad: But tonight out of respect of me, please don’t have sex with each other.

Shawn: Okay. We will, but yeah.

Dad: No, but just tonight, don’t.

Shawn: Yes. We’re going to. But okay.

Dad: Look, just tonight, out of respect for my condition. Please don’t.

Shawn: Yes, sir. We will though. But yeah.

Dad: No. For me, just tonight, don’t.

Elizabeth: You got it, dad. We are, but yeah.

Dad: I’m saying don’t do it.

Elizabeth: You got it.

Shawn: Yeah, we are though.

Dad: I blew my [bleep] off tonight. Please don’t have sex with each other.

[doctor puts oxygen mask on Dad.]

What’s Wrong with This Picture 2021

Elliott Pants… Kenan Thompson

Rebecca… Aidy Bryant

William… Chris Redd

Sandra… Carey Mulligan

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play ‘What’s wrong with this picture’. Now, here’s your half vaccinated host, it’s Elliott Pants.

[Cut to the show]

Elliott Pants: Hey, everybody. I am your host Elliott Pants. And don’t tell people I only got my first shot. That’s my business. Anyway, welcome to the show. As always, the rules are simple. All you got to do is look at the picture and tell me what’s wrong with it. The winner gets a lifetime supply of KY jam. You tired of the jelly? Upgrade to KY jam. Alright. Are we ready to play? Rebecca?

Rebecca: Does a bear spit in the woods?

Elliott Pants: Spit? I don’t think so. No. Next up is William. How are you doing?

William: Not much.

Elliott Pants: You happy with that answer? [William nods his head yes] Already worried about this group. Alright, how about you, Sandra. Are you ready to play?

Sandra: Yes, my kind.

Elliott Pants: Not a fan of that. Alright, let’s just take a look at our first puzzle. [There’s a cartoon picture of a woman sitting on a chair at a doctor’s office. She’s holding a baby. The clock has A-B-C-D instead of Elliott Pants-Rebecca-William-Sandra.] Something is off in this picture. What could it be?

Rebecca: I got it.

Elliott Pants: Rebecca.

Rebecca: Her husband is bald and way too small.

Elliott Pants: That’s not her husband. That is a baby.

Rebecca: Well, agree to mis-agree.

Sandra: The mother only has one leg, so the baby flew out no problem.

Elliott Pants: Excuse me?

Sandra: Also, the doctor’s prank worked. He told her to wear a condom like a hat and now she has a baby.

Elliott Pants: No. William.

William: She wants to pick up the hitchhiker but her car is a bed.

Elliott Pants: That’s not a hitchhiker. That is a doctor.

William: Then why is his thumb out? Oh, never mind. I know why. I’ve had that done before.

Elliott Pants: Not even close. It has something to do with time.

Rebecca: Oh, the baby has been out for an hour but the doctor won’t stop explaining Wandavision.

Elliott Pants: Oh my god. Look at the doctor’s clock.

William: This robe is covering it.

Elliott Pants: I said clock.

Sandra: Are you mad at us?

Elliott Pants: Yes. You know I said clock. And it has letters instead of numbers. Alright, next picture. [There’s a cartoon picture of children playing in a swimming pool. There’s a shark fin in the swimming pool.] Something is very obviously wrong here. What is it? Sandra.

Sandra: I’ve heard it can happen but this is actually the first time I’m seeing. Titty head.

Elliott Pants: that is her bathing cap. Not a titty head.

Sandra: I said I never saw one.

Elliott Pants: Rebecca.

Rebecca: The one in the pink suit said that she was Elliott Pants8 on hinge, but I don’t know. The pig tails are a red flag.

Elliott Pants: Please don’t do that. William, what’s wrong?

William: I’m fine. Do I seem like something’s wrong?

Elliott Pants: With the picture?

William: Oh, there’s no dogs in it. I like dogs.

Elliott Pants: there is a shark in the water right there. Alright, next picture. [There’s a cartoon picture of four kids eating a pizza. There is a glass of milk that is filled top half.] It has something to do with a glass of milk. That’s only full at the top. Rebecca.

Rebecca: Well, that pizza is leftover from a porn set. But good for them for not wasting it. Yum.

Elliott Pants: I’ma talk to you after this.

William: They look like that because the mom just walked in wearing only a thong and heels. “Not bad for a 60 year old woman, Mrs. C.,” They were all being forced to say.

Elliott Pants: Look at the milk.

Sandra: First off, they’re holding the pizza from the side.

Elliott Pants: Okay. That’s something.

Sandra: Also, the boy in the striped shirt will grow up to kill his wife.

Elliott Pants: No. I told you the answer. Alright. Next picture. [There’s a cartoon picture of a person visiting a tombstone. The date on tombstone is 1950-1810.]

William: She just ripped one. After all, the sign told her to.

Elliott Pants: That is a tombstone. It doesn’t say rip one. It says RIP.

Rebecca: I know what it is. I can’t believe actually I didn’t see it. That’s Mrs. Doubtfire and she’s going to keep up her charade even though the whole family is dead.

Elliott Pants: The date says the person died before they were born. Alright, this is your last picture and your last change. [There’s a cartoon picture of a woman getting a haircut. She has long hair in real, but in the mirror, she has a short hair.] Sandra.

Sandra: Oh! The hair cuts don’t match.

[right answer bell]

Elliott Pants: Oh my god! That’s right.

Sandra: And Reggae John is cutting hair now? So, that’s why he left Bridgerton.

Elliott Pants: Okay. That’s it. The KY jam is coming with me because I deserve a good night. Alright, I’m Elliott Pants. Goodbye.

What Up With That- At Home

Charles Barkley

DJ Khalid

DeAndre Cole… Kenan Thompson

Backup singers… Ego Nwodim, Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with “What’s Up With That?” intro] [music playing]

Backup singers: [singing] Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

Male voice: It’s “What’s Up With That?” at home. Taking on the issues of today with soul tonight, hall of famer, Charles Barkley, the great DJ Khalid, and Lindsey Buckingham. Here’s your host, DeAndre Cole.

DeAndre Cole: Woke up this morning then I got out of bed
had a bigger cup of coffee to clear my head

been home for a while and that’s where I’m at
but we can still jam on “What’s up with that?”

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up with that? yuu, oh, yeah

Wow! Yeah! Thank you all for joining us on “What’s Up With That?” where we’re going to learn how to stay safe at home. Now, our guests are very busy. So, I brought along this timer [a timer pops on the screen] to make sure that we don’t keep him too long. Ha-ha-ha. We’re going to talk about social distance.

[drum hi-hat starts playing. DeAndre Cole starts looking around.]

Gonna talk persistence
[Bass starts playing] [singing] COVID resistance
It’s gonna be fantastic, boombastic
galactic, elastic
emphatic, spastic
fancy fantastic

[Charles Berkley and DJ Khalid are clueless]

Everybody sing

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that? yeah

Whoo! Alright. We are so lucky to have Mr. Charles Barkley who is in new documentary on Michael Jordan.

Charles Barkley: I’m not gonna lie. This is weird.

DeAndre Cole: It is. Now, Charles, everybody is talking about this new Michael Jordan documentary and you played against Michael in the 1993 finals and you were on the dream team. What was that like?

Charles Barkley: It was special. And a documentary is excellent.

DeAndre Cole: Um-hmm.

Charles Barkley: But it doesn’t show everything. Let me tell you about something that’s not in there.

[drum hi-hat starts playing. DeAndre Cole starts looking around.] [Charles and DeAndre Cole are looking around]

DeAndre Cole: Go ahead.

[Bass starts playing]

Charles Barkley: Okay. Like I was saying, I played with Michael and all his guys. There are incredible stories people still don’t know.

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Incredible stories

Charles Barkley: Right. And you might actually hear them if you would let me talk please.

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Letting you talk now

Charles Barkley: No, you’re not. Which is a shame. I’m trying to tell you about the one time me and Michael Jordan–

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Jordan was the greatest
and I got to say

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

[Charles Barkley and DJ Khalid are annoyed]
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, joining us remotely, the sexy siren of social distancing, Quarantina.

[Quarantina is singing in home drinking wine]

Quarantina: [singing] Merlot for one
tonight I toast only these

merlot for one
it’s a soul of merlot to believe

so go to your parties
and have all your fun
go to your spring breaks
and dance in the sun

I’ll be right here
and that only begun
with my merlot for one

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

[Charles Barkley and DJ Khalid are annoyed]

Ladies and gentlemen, here they are, a special appearance by Howie Hot Wheels and the lego Kid.

[Howie and lego kid are dancing]

Go Howie, go Howie, go lego, go lego

[DJ Khalid starts dancing] get speedy, get speedy, get crazy, it’s your birthday

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that
now will somebody please come to my house and teach my damn kids?

Yes!

Whoo! Alright. Well, folks my kids got to use the laptop that we rented from the local library for the online schooling. Ha-ha. But I want to thank Charles Barkley for being here.

Charles Barkley: That’s it? Whatever!

DeAndre Cole: And thank you to the one and only DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: Well, I guess that was another one.

DeAndre Cole: And Lindsey Buckingham. Oh, man, I know we haven’t let you talk on any episode for the past 10 years. Lindsey? Lindsey? [Lindsey Buckingham’s connection is lost.] Oh! Well, that’s too bad. Well, thank you for trying anyway, Lindsey. How about I wave to you from my car on your birthday? Yeah. Just look out for 25 Buick Lesabre. Alright, until next time.

[drums roll] [singing] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi

Betty… Amy Poehler

Jodi… Maya Rudolph

Caren… Tina Fey

[Starts with Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi intro] [cheers and applause]

Betty: Hello. Hi, hi, hi. Welcome to Bronx Beat. I’m Betty.

Jodi: I’m Jodi, you know that.

Betty: Yes, hello, hello. Welcome to our Christmas episode. Cheers to Christmas.

Jodi: Cheers to Christmas. Here you go. Cheers friend. Wait a minute, you put alcohol in this eggnog?

Betty: Of course, what do you think?

Jodi: I’m not having any, coz you know what? I gotta drive.

Betty: We all gotta drive. What? Everyone’s driving. We’re all gonna drive. So, it’s Christmas but not that you would know it coz every time you turn on your TV, what do you see? Bad news.

Jodi: Bad news. Gloom and doom. I’m sick of it. So stupid. It’s Christmas. Give me a break.

Betty: You know what I want for Christmas? No more bad news.

Jodi: Thank you. Yeah, it’s Christmas. You think Santa comes down your chimney? It’s ISIS.

Betty: I-yay-ISIS. Okay? ISIS. Enough! Take a day off. Go! Take a nap. Go for a walk. Do something nice. Go see a movie.

Jodi: Yea! Go see Star Wars.

Betty: Oh, my god! Enough! Enough. No. I don’t wanna watch Star Wars okay? May the force give me a break already. I’m saturated. Everywhere you look, it’s Star Wars and yogurts and soups and busters and backpacks and candy bars and soup.

Jodi: You know what? Not for me. Too many laser and blip bloops, it’s exhausting. Grow up.

Betty: There’s a giant talking dog in that movie. So dumb.

Jodi: Yeah, that’s why they call it a wookie.

Betty: A wookie. And his name is Chewy. You know what? I’m through-wy with Chewy.

Jodi: Yeah. Coz he’s a wookie.

Betty: A wookie?

Jodi: What the hell is a wookie?

Betty: A dog man that flies in plane. Pass!

Jodi: You know how they say. I’m sick of Star Wars and wookie? [starts gargling]

Betty: The only thing about space I’m more interested in is more counter space.

Jodi: Thank you.

Betty: Because my dumb husband takes it up will all those neutro-bullet.

Jodi: Ah! So dumb.

Betty: Makes these shapes.

Jodi: Shapes are dumb. My dumb husband. We’re laying in bed and he’s farting in asleep. And I’m blaming it on the dog. Dog looks at me and says, “Uh-uh, it’s that guy!”

Betty: Husbands are so dumb.

Jodi: [sobbing] But I love him. Farts and all. He farts like a dog but he makes love to me so gently. And we made four children.

Betty: Alright! Jodi, really, relax.

Jodi: I’m fine. I’m fine. Anyway, who cares? The three of our guests, who is it?

Betty: Alright. We know it wasn’t available coz of holiday, so I got my cousin Caren from Philly.

Jodi: Oh right, cousin Caren. I like her. She’s cute.

Betty: Yeah, she’s cute, right? She’s bring some warm home made Christmas ornaments. She’s gonna show it to us. She sells them on etzy whatever.

Jodi: Come on in.

Betty: Come on Caren. Hurry up now.

[Caren walks in] [cheers and applause]

Okay, good to see you Caren. How are things in Philly?

Caren: Yeah, okay. I just got on clearing dead boy out of my yard. And maybe gang stuff, the take down is sure. My son Dave just started Roxy. How are yous?

Jodi: Oh, my god. Caren. I forgot what a beautiful accent you have. You sound fancy.

Betty: So classy.

Caren: Get out! Don’t be stupid.

Betty: I have always, always been jealous of that accent.

Jodi: I wish I had an accent.

Betty: Me too. I talk so boring. Okay, say things in Philly. Say water.

Caren: Water.

Jodi: What did she say?

Betty: Say water.

Caren: Water.

Jodi: What did she say?

Betty: Water!

Jodi: What’s she saying?

Betty: Say water.

Caren: Water. Yeah, water.

Jodi: So beautiful.

Betty: It’s like Downtown Abby.

Jodi: You talk like a beautiful fairy.

Betty: Yeah. So, what’s new in Philly?

Caren: Well, you know. My brother Dave and his friend Dave and their other friend Dave saw a guy beat a salvation army staying with an old car battery in a wild-wild parking lot. Philly is a war zone.

Betty: Okay. Caren, we don’t want anymore bad news.

Jodi: We are sick of bad news, Caren.

Caren: Okay, well this is kind of good news. On the other day, serial killer killed another serial killer in front of the liberty bell. So, that’s two less serial killers. In Philly, we call that a Christmas miracle.

Betty: You know what? The world has gone coo-coo. I don’t even drink coffee in the morning anymore. I go straight to wine.

Jodi: Yeah! I mean, come on! Seriously people, it’s Christmas. And it’s crazy. The traffic, [sobbing] I couldn’t get anywhere.

Betty: She’s crying about the traffic.

Jodi: The taxi driver, fair and a half just for going off a block. So stupid street!

Betty: Jodi. Why are you crying over traffic? Are you okay? You having crazy mood swings.

Jodi: Fine!

Caren: Do you want some water?

Jodi: Some what? Warder?

Betty: Hang on. I’m like Colombo over here. Look, you’re not drinking, your moods are all over the place.

Jodi: I’m fine.

Betty: Oh, my god. My gut is telling me something. Please tell me I’m wrong. Please tell me I’m wrong.

Jodi: You’re wrong. I’m pregnant. Ah! I have an eighteen year old going to the University of Marilyn and I have this ghost shop for a crib after this show.

Caren: Jodi, what a terrible news.

Betty: Terrible! Terrible news. But babies are a blessing.

Jodi: Babies are a blessing. I know. I love babies. And I love you guys. Merry Christmas.

Betty: I’m so happy for you. But let me tell you something. If I was pregnant, I would kill myself. Alright, we’re almost out of time. And I just realized, we never really looked at your ornaments, Caren.

Caren: Oh, okay. Yeah, here’s one. [Caren pulls out a instant noodle cup hung opposite to a thread.] I gotta be honest with you. They’re not great.

Betty: No, not at all.

Jodi: No, they are not.

Betty: They are not great. Don’t quit your day job.

Jodi: Yeah, just put it back int he box.

Betty: Put it back in the box. It’s offending me. Alright, so, Merry Christmas.

Jodi: Merry Christmas everybody. I gotta go. I gotta go get a crib.

[The End]