Vanessa… Cecily Strong
Louis… Jake Gyllenhaal
Andrew Dismukes
Chloe Fineman
[Starts with Vanessa talking to Andrew and Chloe]Vanessa: So then Louis says, “If you could only cook as well as you could argue, we could fire the chef.” And I said, “Well, Louis, if you could make love as well as you argue, we could fire the gardener.” Ha-ha-ha-ha
Louis: Alright, dear, I think you’ve had enough. You’re boring our guests so much, they’ll think we’re even duller than when they got here.
Andrew: Oh, well, thank you, Professor Williams and your wife, Vanessa Williams. It was an honor to get a dinner invitation from the Dean of–
Vanessa: Junior Dean.
Louis: Yeah!
Andrew: Junior Dean of the Fine Arts Program here at Beige College. But we really should be going.
Chloe: Yes. You see, it’s well past nine and we’re trying to have a baby.
Vanessa: We almost had one of those once. Remember, dear?
Louis: If I recall, it was all your fault.
Vanessa: How dare you, you washed up piece of–
Louis: [Grunts] Watch it, old girl.
Vanessa: Or what? You’re worried I’ll tell them about your art?
Louis: Darling, I’m warning you.
Andrew: Oh, Professor, I just thought you were a historian. I didn’t know you were an artist as well.
Louis: I’m not.
Vanessa: Oh, don’t be modest, Louis. Show them. Show them your art.
Louis: It’s not ready yet and you know that!
Vanessa: You’ve been saying that for Vanessa5 years. Show them or I will!
Louis: Vanessa Joan Williams, you’re turning over very thin line.
Chloe: Well, I do love art.
Vanessa: Ha! Then you’re in luck. Well, which one should we look at first?
Louis: I said they’re not finished! Now, sit down or I will sit you down.
Vanessa: Oh, here is a good one. You were working on this one the day we met.
Louis: The day the sun went out. Now put it away.
Vanessa: [holding a painting] He told me he was painting it for his father. He was going to show it in Paris.
Louis: Give it to me, you witch.
Vanessa: I was going to be the wife of a famous artist and we’d have a baby right after. Let me show them.
Louis: It’s not finished, you childish shrew! [Vanessa slaps Louis] Oh! Oh, the devil is a woman!
Andrew: Oh, we don’t have to see it. Not if you’re going to hit each other over it.
Vanessa: No. You need to see what my husband could do if he had the stuff to finish anything. [the painting is of a dog reading newspaper. The headline says “Man bites dog!”]
Chloe: Oh. Oh, my.
Louis: It’s not finished. I never got the expression right. And the writing on the back of the paper is just squiggles.
Andrew: Well, I think the painting is great the way you have it, but we really should go.
Vanessa: No, no, no. Sit down. The art show is just getting started. You need to see the reason my husband never gave me a baby.
[Vanessa shows another painting of a pug holding a lightsaber.]Louis: It’s not finished.
Andrew: What more would you do to it?
Chloe: And why is that why you don’t have a baby?
Louis: He locked himself in his studio night after night, screaming, torturing himself.
Louis: You’ve got a lot of twisted thoughts in that head of yours.
Vanessa: Don’t interrupt, dear. I’m telling our guests about the dark places you would go so you can make art like this.
[It’s a picture of a dog sitting with a robe on holding a TV remote and a bowl of popcorn.]Andrew: That one’s a photograph, right?
Louis: Well, it’s not finished, but yes, it is. Photos are art, too. Now, let’s stop this and get my wife another drink. It’s the only way to plug her mouth.
Vanessa: Or we could look at your self portrait. I call it “Why I Don’t Have a Baby. [It’s a painting of a dog painting]
Louis: Put it away! They don’t want to see that! It’s too dark! Oh! Oh, that’s why I never sold anything. They’re all too dark.
Andrew: And that’s you?
Louis: Yes, it’s me and my studio, but it’s not finished.I was going to add a thought bubble that said, “It’s a living.” But what does it matter now? Are you happy, dear? You’ve shown them what a heartless creature you are and what a failure your husband is.
Vanessa: And that’s why we can’t escape each other and why we can never have children.
Louis: Cheers to that.
Chloe: And why again is that keeping you from having children?
Andrew: Stop asking that.
Vanessa: Here’s your answer. Look at this one. [It’s a picture of a jacked dog]
Louis: That one actually is finished.