Tag: Louis

Protective Mom

Louis… Marcello Hernandez

Britney… Chloe Fineman

Mother… Pedro Pascal

Louis: Babe, so before we go in, I just want you to know that my mom can be pretty protective of me. And I just don’t want you to get scared off.

Britney: Louis, don’t worry, we’re good.

Louis: Okay. Woo-hoo, Mama-minda, we’re home.

Mother: Mi Hijo lindo, I’m coming. [walks in and starts crying]

Louis: Mama.

Mother: the man of my life. ay, Dios mio. Luisito. Oh my college boy, I missed you so much. [starts hitting with newspaper] You don’t call enough. Bad boy. I’ll kill you. I put you in jail. Ah! I love you so much.

Louis: Aw, mama. Well, I love you too, mama. And I want to introduce you to my new girlfriend, Britney.

Britney: Hi. Yes, Miss Flores. I’m Brittany. I’ve heard so much about you.

Mother: You are cute. You dress like a boy. I like that.

Louis: Haha-mama. Let’s eat. How about that?

Britney: With love. And hey, my parents taught me never to come empty handed. So I did bring some vegan sliders.

Mother: Louis, [foreign language] vegan sliders?

Britney: Is she talking about me?

Louis: Oh, yes. But in a good way. Don’t worry. Mama. We’re hungry.

Britney: Yes. And this looks great. Um, where should I put these?

Mother: I’ll take it. Thank you. [Takes the bag and throws the vegan sliders into the trash] Sit, sit.

Louis: Everything looks so great, Mama. Thank you.

Mother: So Brittany, what are you studying?

Britney: I’m actually studying fine art with a concentration in 17th century baroque architecture.

Mother: So she doesn’t like money.

Louis: Mama, please. Brittany wants to be an art professor one day.

Mother: Oh, so she’s a lesbian?

Louis: Mama, please.

Mother: No, no, no, no. Mi nuera no puede estudiar fine art y usar tu dinero para dizque broke architecture.

Louis: Mama, por favor. No le importa el dinero a ella.

Mother: Te puedes imaginar? Van Gogh, Picasso, Britney with the vegan sliders.

Britney: Okay, so she’s talking about me.

Louis: No le hables asi a la pobre. Es una nice White girl. Se cuida mucho. Siempre se pone sunscreen. Y tiene mucho talento. Sabe jugar ultimate frisbee.

Britney: Oh my gos. Listen, I am so sorry if I offended you in any way. I only want the best for your son. Like Louis, do you remember when you were having trouble concentrating for semester?

Louis: Oh, no, no, no.

Britney: And I set you up with my family doctor?

Mother: What?

Britney: Well, I helped Louis out. Now he’s on ADD medication and he’s doing a lot better.

Mother: My son don’t have ADD. He just like to jump.

Britney: Oh, well, ADD isn’t anything to be embarrassed about. Demi Lovato has it.

Mother: Ella entra a mi casa con su “family doctor”, hablando de que “normalize ADD”.

Britney: Okay, she hates me.

Louis: She’s not talking about you. Mama, yo entiendo que no te cae bien su unisex apparel

Britney: What?

Louis: Y si no fuera por ella, yo nunca viera “White Lotus”.

Mother: Esta brujita, con su Pinterest, hablando de que, “Hey man, wanna go get some sweet green?”

Britney: What is she saying?

Mother: Pero no me digas a mi que te vas a casar con ella o tenera una relacion “long-term”, okay? No.

Britney: What?

Mother: A mi no me importa si tu te metes con eila para un “one-night-stand”, “hit it and quit it”, “rip and dip”. I don’t care. That’s okay.

Britney: Okay, that was all English. Please, I would just love to start over.

Louis: Yes. Can we please just eat? How about that?

Britney: Yes, this looks delicious, Ms. Flores. But before we eat, mind if I say Grace?

Mother: Grace? Oh, Mija. Louis… why didn’t you tell me she was a woman of God?

Louis: Oh my god.

Mother: Now where are my grandchildren?

Dinner with the Dean

Vanessa… Cecily Strong

Louis… Jake Gyllenhaal

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Vanessa talking to Andrew and Chloe]

Vanessa: So then Louis says, “If you could only cook as well as you could argue, we could fire the chef.” And I said, “Well, Louis, if you could make love as well as you argue, we could fire the gardener.” Ha-ha-ha-ha

Louis: Alright, dear, I think you’ve had enough. You’re boring our guests so much, they’ll think we’re even duller than when they got here.

Andrew: Oh, well, thank you, Professor Williams and your wife, Vanessa Williams. It was an honor to get a dinner invitation from the Dean of–

Vanessa: Junior Dean.

Louis: Yeah!

Andrew: Junior Dean of the Fine Arts Program here at Beige College. But we really should be going.

Chloe: Yes. You see, it’s well past nine and we’re trying to have a baby.

Vanessa: We almost had one of those once. Remember, dear?

Louis: If I recall, it was all your fault.

Vanessa: How dare you, you washed up piece of–

Louis: [Grunts] Watch it, old girl.

Vanessa: Or what? You’re worried I’ll tell them about your art?

Louis: Darling, I’m warning you.

Andrew: Oh, Professor, I just thought you were a historian. I didn’t know you were an artist as well.

Louis: I’m not.

Vanessa: Oh, don’t be modest, Louis. Show them. Show them your art.

Louis: It’s not ready yet and you know that!

Vanessa: You’ve been saying that for Vanessa5 years. Show them or I will!

Louis: Vanessa Joan Williams, you’re turning over very thin line.

Chloe: Well, I do love art.

Vanessa: Ha! Then you’re in luck. Well, which one should we look at first?

Louis: I said they’re not finished! Now, sit down or I will sit you down.

Vanessa: Oh, here is a good one. You were working on this one the day we met.

Louis: The day the sun went out. Now put it away.

Vanessa: [holding a painting] He told me he was painting it for his father. He was going to show it in Paris.

Louis: Give it to me, you witch.

Vanessa: I was going to be the wife of a famous artist and we’d have a baby right after. Let me show them.

Louis: It’s not finished, you childish shrew! [Vanessa slaps Louis] Oh! Oh, the devil is a woman!

Andrew: Oh, we don’t have to see it. Not if you’re going to hit each other over it.

Vanessa: No. You need to see what my husband could do if he had the stuff to finish anything. [the painting is of a dog reading newspaper. The headline says “Man bites dog!”]

Chloe: Oh. Oh, my.

Louis: It’s not finished. I never got the expression right. And the writing on the back of the paper is just squiggles.

Andrew: Well, I think the painting is great the way you have it, but we really should go.

Vanessa: No, no, no. Sit down. The art show is just getting started. You need to see the reason my husband never gave me a baby.

[Vanessa shows another painting of a pug holding a lightsaber.]

Louis: It’s not finished.

Andrew: What more would you do to it?

Chloe: And why is that why you don’t have a baby?

Louis: He locked himself in his studio night after night, screaming, torturing himself.

Louis: You’ve got a lot of twisted thoughts in that head of yours.

Vanessa: Don’t interrupt, dear. I’m telling our guests about the dark places you would go so you can make art like this.

[It’s a picture of a dog sitting with a robe on holding a TV remote and a bowl of popcorn.]

Andrew: That one’s a photograph, right?

Louis: Well, it’s not finished, but yes, it is. Photos are art, too. Now, let’s stop this and get my wife another drink. It’s the only way to plug her mouth.

Vanessa: Or we could look at your self portrait. I call it “Why I Don’t Have a Baby. [It’s a painting of a dog painting]

Louis: Put it away! They don’t want to see that! It’s too dark! Oh! Oh, that’s why I never sold anything. They’re all too dark.

Andrew: And that’s you?

Louis: Yes, it’s me and my studio, but it’s not finished.I was going to add a thought bubble that said, “It’s a living.” But what does it matter now? Are you happy, dear? You’ve shown them what a heartless creature you are and what a failure your husband is.

Vanessa: And that’s why we can’t escape each other and why we can never have children.

Louis: Cheers to that.

Chloe: And why again is that keeping you from having children?

Andrew: Stop asking that.

Vanessa: Here’s your answer. Look at this one. [It’s a picture of a jacked dog]

Louis: That one actually is finished.

Deep Quote Game

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Louis… Danel Craig

Lisa… Kate McKinnon

Duff… Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a group of colleagues playing board games in home.]

Chris: One more settlement and boom! That’s seven points victory. Marcus?

Kyle: Oh, man! Come on!

Louis: And here I am thinking we’re gonna have a nice pleasant game night with my wife’s work colleagues. And what? It’s a blood bath.

Lisa: Well, I hate to break it to you guys but I think we’re out of game.

Meli: It’s late. We should probably get going anyway.

Duff: Or we could quote?

Lisa: What’s that?

Duff: Um, we could quote? Like, say lines from movies and guess them?

Lisa: Oh. Oh. Okay. Is that a game that you like, Duff?

Duff: Yeah. Yeah. It really is.

Kyle: Actually, I just called a Lyft home. So…

Duff: Oh, then um… cancel it coz looks like we’re gonna quote.

Ego: Um, okay. Umm… I can start. “You’re a wizard, Harry.”

All: Harry Potter.

Duff: —and the sorcerer’s stone.

Louis: Oh. She’s right. Duff gets the point.

Duff: Yeah, cool. And now, I get to go coz I got that one. Okay. “I need two new suits off the rack. One light and one dark.”

Ego: No clue.

Louis: On, no, no, no. I know this one. This is… Aviator.

Duff: Oh, dammit! That was too easy.

Chris: Easy? That sounded vague as hell.

Duff: [looking at Louis deeply] Wow. You know your quote.

Louis: Yeah, I actually do.

Duff: Hah! Big D energy over there.

Louis: Yeah, that too.

Lisa: Louis, what was that?

Louis: It’s my turn. Here we go. “Thanks for walking in and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m not feeling so well.”

Duff: As good as it gets.

Louis: Oh!

Ego: What?

Kyle: You’re killing me.

Louis: How were you able to do that?

Duff: What? Do you quote?

Louis: Yeah.

Duff: Um, I don’t know. Probably coz I spend a lot of time watching movies all the time.

Louis: Hah. So, you’re a little quote queen?

Duff: I mean, if you’d say that. What– What are you? A flick daddy?

Louis: Only the biggest flick daddy you’ll ever meet in your whole life.

Lisa: Louise? Pal, you have a job.

Louis: No, I don’t. I’ve got fired six months ago.

[Louis turns towards Duff]

Lisa: Excuse me?

Louis: You’re very serious. [looks away] Who’s up?

Chris: Yeah. Maybe let’s stick to like, more well known quotes.

Duff: Sorry, but there’s no rule against deep movie.

Louis: No, she’s right. You know, it’s not a game if you don’t deep quote.

Lisa: Louis, deep quote?

Louis: Yeah, bud. Deep quote.

Lisa: The ‘bud’ thing gotta stop right now.

Duff: Alright. Okay, okay. My turn. Guess I’ll pick an easy one. Okay. “Hey, hi, I didn’t know you were here.”

Louis: Got it. No, no. Someone else go. Someone else go.

Kyle: Duff, it’s not a ton of identifying information in there.

Ego: Yeah, girl. What are you quoting?

Louis: Guys, it’s easy. Failure to Launch. Keep up, you morons.

Chris: Hey, I don’t like that.

Meli: Hey, Duff, maybe let’s play this another time.

Duff: What? No. We’re tied 2-2. I’m not about to lay down and let Lisa’s hot husband rail me.

Lisa: My husband?

Ego: Rail you?

Duff: Okay, okay, okay. Come on, quote off. You and me.

Louis: Alright. Let’s go, little girl.

Duff: Okay. “What made you pick me?”

Louis: Captain Phillips.

Duff: Ugh! Dammit. Go.

Louis: Only buddy goodie. “What are we supposed to do?”

Duff: Captain Phillips. Oh! Trying to trick me. Okay.

Louis: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Duff: Okay. Here’s another one. “It’s okay.”

Louis: Captain Phillips. You sneaky bitch!

[Duff and Louis are giggling]

Ego: Stop quoting Captain Phillips.

Louis: Okay, okay, okay. Here we go. “Go-do-un-bujah.”

Duff: “Go-do-un-bujah.” They are rich. parasite!

Meli: Parasite?

Chris: So, now you y’all know Korean? That’s stupid.

Duff: Okay, okay. Final round. No words, act out only.

Louis: Alright. Easy. I’ll start.

[Louis just raises his hands]

Duff: Up In the Air.

Louis: Ah!

Duff: Got it.

All: Up In the Air?

Duff: Okay, okay. My turn.

[Duff just coughs. Now, Duff and Louis are standing facing each other.]

Louis: Oh, Philadelphia! Get out!

Duff: Alright. Okay. You’re up.

Louis: Okay, okay. I got it.

[Louis kisses Duff]

All: No! No! No!

Duff: The notebook.

Louis: Ah!

Duff: I knew it was Gosling from your tongue.

[Lisa stands]

Lisa: Alright. Enough of this. Get out of my house.

Duff: [pointing at Lisa] Broke By Mountain.

Louis: Broke By Mountain.

Lisa: Get the hell out.

QVC Auditions

Joyce Childers… Cecily Strong

Joe… Bobby Moynihan

Christie Berkie… Kristen Wiig

Louis… Beck Bennett

[Starts with video title ‘Joyce Childers QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Joyce Childers in her closet]

Joyce Childers: Hi, I am Joyce Childers and I am making this video in order to audition reel for the guest host position at QVC. As you can see, we are in my closet because, my forte is closet. Well, organization in closet. And I am realizing right now that my panties are all behind my head. And now I look like a pantie addict. Thanks, Joe!

Joe: What? I thought it was good.

Joyce Childers: It’s not good, Joe. And now you’re in my shot. So, let’s just do it again. Please, just let’s do it again.

[Cut to video title ‘Christie Berkie QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Christie Berkie. She has a lot of necklaces behind her.]

Christie Berkie: Hi. I’m Christie Berkie. And this is my audition reel for guest host for QVC. Right away, I just wanna say I do know that my friend and neighbor Joyce Childers is auditioning as well. She is an amazing person. But I do think she is– no. I’m not gonna say anything bad. No. I’ll just say that all of my friends think that– no. I just said I wasn’t gonna say anything bad. She is what she is. You can always just google her, which I think you should, and stuff will come up. I love her.

Um, okay, accessories. We are currently in my necklace room. And what I wanna show you is–

[dog crying]

Oh, my god! I just stepped on the dog. He can’t be here, Louis!

Louis: I didn’t know.

Christie Berkie: Peanut has to be in his crate. And now that’s one point for Joyce coz I look like a dick that kicks dogs in the butt. Great! Start over. Cut. Great, Louis.

[Cut to with title ‘Joyce Childers QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Joyce Childers. She has her panties removed this time]

Joyce Childers: Hi, it’s me Joyce, future QVC host. I just– I ant you guys to know that QVC is my number one dream and every single person that knows me has said that I was born to do this. And there are people out there that are okay with like, hijacking dreams because– um– [breathing heavy] I have to– um, I have to get out of here. I can’t breathe.

[Joe walks in]

Joe: Are you okay?

Joyce Childers: No. Joe! Please don’t come over here. You stress me out. Just… I gotta go. Walk around. Just, please do not follow me and do not touch anything. I am fine. Okay.

[Joyce Childers walks out]

[Cut to video title ‘Christie Berkie QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’]

[Cut to Christie Berkie. She has a lot of necklaces behind her.]

Christie Berkie: Hey guys, it’s your gal pal Christie Berkie here to show you how to dress up any work outfit and give it a touch of sparkle and glam with clip-on glamour baubles. [Christie Berkie shows a necklace] Look how this glistens in the sunlight.

[Joyce Childers is peeking through the window glass]

Was that Joyce? Did I just see Joyce in our window?

Louis: That was Joyce.

Christie Berkie: What is that bitch up to? Anyway, we’ll cut around all this. Okay. This imitation crystal pieces will enliven any–

[Joyce Childers throws dirt on Christie Berkie’s window and looks at her.]

I see you! I see you, get over here!

[Joyce Childers opens the window]

Joyce Childers: What?

Christie Berkie: What are you doing? What are you even doing?

Joyce Childers: What are you doing? Stealing dreams that friends know is for me?

Christie Berkie: That is not good English. You will never make it with that kind of English on QVC.

Joyce Childers: [mocking] “On QVC, on QVC.” That’s what you sound like. Get your own life.

Christie Berkie: I have it! I have a life. Stop talking about that because I have it.

Joyce Childers: Maybe I should take it away! You see what this is in my pocket? [trying to bluff]

Christie Berkie: I don’t know what that is Joyce. Okay? I have no idea.

[Joyce Childers lifts her shirt a little. We can see a gun handle out of her pocket]

Joyce Childers: What do you think that handles to?

Christie Berkie: Oh, is that you gun? Is that what that is? Louis, she brought her gun. Surprise! Surprise! I guess she’s going to kill another person on accident.

Joyce Childers: Well, if I do it, will you stop stealing?

Louis: Joyce, don’t be a fool.

Christie Berkie: Look, this is all going to QVC. This is all going to QVC, Joyce.

Joyce Childers: No, it’s not.

Christie Berkie: Yes, it is. This is my audition tape. And I can have it be whatever I want.

[Joe walks in]

Joe: Honey, what are you doing here?

Christie Berkie: Your wife is going to shoot us through our window.

Joe: Ah! It’s not a real gun. It’s from a play I’m directing.

Christie Berkie: Oh, my god! Joyce! You are such a joke!

Joyce Childers: Oh, really? Well, you wanna know what’s a better joke? Your husband is gay and I know it because he is sleeping with my husband.

[Joe and Louis walk away]

I hear them every night in our baby’s room just going, “Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I want it.”

Christie Berkie: Stop it.

Joyce Childers: Okay, Christie, are you going to send that to QVC? Coz I’m sure they’ll love that.

Christie Berkie: Get out of my house!

Joyce Childers: [screaming] Ah!

[Cut to QVC video bumper]

[Cut to Joyce Childers and Christie Berkie hosting the show together]

Christie Berkie: Well, guys, that hour just flew.

Joyce Childers: I guess that’s just what happens when you guest host QVC with your best friend.

Joyce Childers and Christie Berkie: Keep shopping, you guys.

Mr. Westerberg

Reese Witherspoon

Evans… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Westerberg… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Amy… Venessa Bayer

Louis… Beck Bennett

[Starts with people writing cards in Hallmark’s office.]

[Cut to Reese]

Reese: Hey guys, what do you think of a card that says, “Happy Mother’s Day, you raised me from a pup, maybe that’s why I’m such a dog.”

[Cut to Evans gesturing so so]

[Cut to Mr. Westerberg walking in]

Mr. Westerberg: Hey, guys. I know it’s been a long very busy week, but everyone needs to punch out at 5, okay? Not 4:59. Not 4:58. But 5! Okay?

[Mr. Westerberg leaves]

[Cut to the office staffs]

Pete: [mocking] Okay?

[the office staff are laughing]

Evans: It’s perfect Mr. Westerberg.

Amy: I can’t stand that guy. [mocking] Okay?

Reese: You can do things [mocking] my way or the highway.

Evans: [mocking] Evans, you’re always last to arrive and the first to leave.

Amy: [mocking] Amy, quit parking in my parking spot.

Reese: Yeah, exactly.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: [mocking] Louis, pull down your pants and pull out that little thing. Now, let me grab it, who cares if my hands are cold.

[everyone are looking at Amy]

Reese: Does he really say that?

Louis: Yeah, I know. I’m not that good with the voice. But he’s always saying that, right?

[Mr. Westerberg walks in]

Mr. Westerberg: Hey, guys, before you leave tonight, everyone’s got a hand in their I17 forms. I don’t wanna have to tell you again. Okay?

[Mr. Westerberg leaves]

[Cut to the office staff]

Pete: [mocking] I drive a stupid car!

Evans: [mocking] My nose is too big for my face.

Louis: Nice!

Reese: [mocking] I only have two shirts. One with the ketchup stain, one with the mustard stain.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Yeah, yeah. [mocking] Louis, you stink. You got to take a bath. You get in there and clean yourself nice and good. [staff members are looking at Louis] And I’m gonna spank you to make sure you scrub every inch. Make sure you’re cleaned to my satisfaction.

Reese: He said that to you?

Louis: No, no. It’s just the kind of stuff he says to all of us.

Evans: Not really.

Reese: Yeah, he more just says stuff like, [mocking] “Time is money.”

Pete: [mocking] Punctuality is a sign of a good employee.

Reese: [mocking] It’s the third time you’ve been late this week. You know what that means.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: [mocking] You gotta bang my wife live on the internet.

[other staffs are shocked]

Reese: What?

Louis: I’m just saying. His voice is usually like, [mocking] “Louis, try in these new pants I bought you. I’m gonna dress you cool. Now, take our pants off. I wanna see your huge butt. Now, lift it up… drop it. Now, lift it up… drop it. Now, lift it up… drop it. Now, smush it together. I don’t wanna see any crack! Okay!” Freaking Mr. Westerberg. He’s actually pretty cool!

Reese: Louis, did Mr. Westerberg do those things to you?

Louis: Um, if he did, I can’t remember. [laughing]

Evans: Maybe we should just work on our cards.

[Mr. Westerberg comes in]

Mr. Westerberg: Hey, Louis! Can you see you in my office for a sec please?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Ouf! I know what this is about it!

[Louis goes to Mr. Westerberg’s office]

[The End]