Joyce Childers… Cecily Strong
Joe… Bobby Moynihan
Christie Berkie… Kristen Wiig
Louis… Beck Bennett[Starts with video title ‘Joyce Childers QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’] [Cut to Joyce Childers in her closet]
Joyce Childers: Hi, I am Joyce Childers and I am making this video in order to audition reel for the guest host position at QVC. As you can see, we are in my closet because, my forte is closet. Well, organization in closet. And I am realizing right now that my panties are all behind my head. And now I look like a pantie addict. Thanks, Joe!
Joe: What? I thought it was good.
Joyce Childers: It’s not good, Joe. And now you’re in my shot. So, let’s just do it again. Please, just let’s do it again.[Cut to video title ‘Christie Berkie QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’] [Cut to Christie Berkie. She has a lot of necklaces behind her.]
Christie Berkie: Hi. I’m Christie Berkie. And this is my audition reel for guest host for QVC. Right away, I just wanna say I do know that my friend and neighbor Joyce Childers is auditioning as well. She is an amazing person. But I do think she is– no. I’m not gonna say anything bad. No. I’ll just say that all of my friends think that– no. I just said I wasn’t gonna say anything bad. She is what she is. You can always just google her, which I think you should, and stuff will come up. I love her.
Um, okay, accessories. We are currently in my necklace room. And what I wanna show you is–[dog crying]
Oh, my god! I just stepped on the dog. He can’t be here, Louis!
Louis: I didn’t know.
Christie Berkie: Peanut has to be in his crate. And now that’s one point for Joyce coz I look like a dick that kicks dogs in the butt. Great! Start over. Cut. Great, Louis.[Cut to with title ‘Joyce Childers QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’] [Cut to Joyce Childers. She has her panties removed this time]
Joyce Childers: Hi, it’s me Joyce, future QVC host. I just– I ant you guys to know that QVC is my number one dream and every single person that knows me has said that I was born to do this. And there are people out there that are okay with like, hijacking dreams because– um– [breathing heavy] I have to– um, I have to get out of here. I can’t breathe.[Joe walks in]
Joe: Are you okay?
Joyce Childers: No. Joe! Please don’t come over here. You stress me out. Just… I gotta go. Walk around. Just, please do not follow me and do not touch anything. I am fine. Okay.[Joyce Childers walks out] [Cut to video title ‘Christie Berkie QVC Guest Host Audition Reel’] [Cut to Christie Berkie. She has a lot of necklaces behind her.]
Christie Berkie: Hey guys, it’s your gal pal Christie Berkie here to show you how to dress up any work outfit and give it a touch of sparkle and glam with clip-on glamour baubles. [Christie Berkie shows a necklace] Look how this glistens in the sunlight.[Joyce Childers is peeking through the window glass]
Was that Joyce? Did I just see Joyce in our window?
Louis: That was Joyce.
Christie Berkie: What is that bitch up to? Anyway, we’ll cut around all this. Okay. This imitation crystal pieces will enliven any–[Joyce Childers throws dirt on Christie Berkie’s window and looks at her.]
I see you! I see you, get over here![Joyce Childers opens the window]
Joyce Childers: What?
Christie Berkie: What are you doing? What are you even doing?
Joyce Childers: What are you doing? Stealing dreams that friends know is for me?
Christie Berkie: That is not good English. You will never make it with that kind of English on QVC.
Joyce Childers: [mocking] “On QVC, on QVC.” That’s what you sound like. Get your own life.
Christie Berkie: I have it! I have a life. Stop talking about that because I have it.
Joyce Childers: Maybe I should take it away! You see what this is in my pocket? [trying to bluff]
Christie Berkie: I don’t know what that is Joyce. Okay? I have no idea.[Joyce Childers lifts her shirt a little. We can see a gun handle out of her pocket]
Joyce Childers: What do you think that handles to?
Christie Berkie: Oh, is that you gun? Is that what that is? Louis, she brought her gun. Surprise! Surprise! I guess she’s going to kill another person on accident.
Joyce Childers: Well, if I do it, will you stop stealing?
Louis: Joyce, don’t be a fool.
Christie Berkie: Look, this is all going to QVC. This is all going to QVC, Joyce.
Joyce Childers: No, it’s not.
Christie Berkie: Yes, it is. This is my audition tape. And I can have it be whatever I want.[Joe walks in]
Joe: Honey, what are you doing here?
Christie Berkie: Your wife is going to shoot us through our window.
Joe: Ah! It’s not a real gun. It’s from a play I’m directing.
Christie Berkie: Oh, my god! Joyce! You are such a joke!
Joyce Childers: Oh, really? Well, you wanna know what’s a better joke? Your husband is gay and I know it because he is sleeping with my husband.[Joe and Louis walk away]
I hear them every night in our baby’s room just going, “Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I want it.”
Christie Berkie: Stop it.
Joyce Childers: Okay, Christie, are you going to send that to QVC? Coz I’m sure they’ll love that.
Christie Berkie: Get out of my house!
Joyce Childers: [screaming] Ah![Cut to QVC video bumper] [Cut to Joyce Childers and Christie Berkie hosting the show together]
Christie Berkie: Well, guys, that hour just flew.
Joyce Childers: I guess that’s just what happens when you guest host QVC with your best friend.
Joyce Childers and Christie Berkie: Keep shopping, you guys.