Amy Schumer Mother Knows Best

Paul… Pete Davidson

Shelby McAllister… Amy Schumer

Summer… Cecily Strong

Jackie… Aidy Bryant

Mason… Chris Redd

Shanile… Leslie Jones

Christopher… Mikey Day

Abissaleth… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “Game Show Network” intro.]

Female voice: You’re watching “Game Show Network.”

[Cut to game stage. The contestants are waiting for the host.]

Male voice: It’s “Mother Knows Best” where moms and their teams team up to win cash. Here’s your hostess with the mostest, Shelby McAllister.

[Shelby walks in]

Shelby: Thank you. Thank you and welcome to “Mother Knows Best.” I’m your host, Shelby. I’m a YouTube sketch comedian and a serious genuine singer. Okay, to find out what our teams are playing for today, let’s check in with our announcer cutie pie Paul.

Paul: Hmm. Please don’t call me that. Just ‘Paul’ please. Our teams are playing for a grand prize of $10,000. And again, just Paul.

Shelby: Hmm, thank you cutie pie Paul. Okay, let’s meet today’s teams. From Fountain Valley, California, 17 year old Summer and her mom Jackie.

Summer: My mom can be really strict.

Jackie: Oh, and if we don’t win today, she’s grounded.

Shelby: From Tempe, Arizona, it’s 16 year old Mace and his mom Shanile.

Mason: My mom says raising kids is full time job.

Shanile: And today, I plan on getting that $10,000 raise.

Shelby: And from Fortress-of-the-Lamb, Pennsylvania, a close community of friends, it’s 17 year old John Christopher and his mom Abissaleth.

Christopher: My mom is my best friend.

Abissaleth: My son is my life. [Christopher and Abissaleth hug closely] He is of me.

Shelby: Awesome! Awesome! Before the show, we asked our teams questions about their moms. If their moms’ answers match up, they get 50 points. First question. Teams, what’s something you do that drives your mom crazy?

Summer: Oh, ma’am, this is easy. My mom hates when I chew my hair.

Jackie: Oh, yeap. I said “Chewing her darn hair.” [showing board with the same thing written.] [right answer bell]

Shelby: Correct. 50 points on the board. Christopher, what’s something you do that annoys your mom?

[Christopher and Abissaleth are holing hands]

Christopher: [giggling] Sometimes in the morning, I wake up before she does and I get up out of our bed. And when she wakes up, she won’t know I’m there.

Shelby: Did you say our bed? Mom, show us your answer.

Abissaleth: I said, [showing her written board] “Leaving our bed early and making mommy worry.”

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Yes, you did. Correct. You got 50 points.

[Christopher and Abissaleth hug very closely and tightly again]

Abissaleth: [singing] [Christopher and Abissaleth kiss on lips softly.]

Shelby: Cool. Cool. Okay. On to Mason and his mom. Mason, what drives your mom nuts?

[Mason and Shanile are still shocked]

Mason: [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] Um, they’re still going. [Christopher and Abissaleth are still kissing]

Shelby: Okay. Alright.

Abissaleth: We won the points.

Shelby: Okay, we’re done with that. We’re done with that. So, no more of that. Okay. Mason, what drives your mom crazy?

Mason: Um, when I play my music real loud. She hates that.

Shanile: What? I said “When you wear one of those dumb hats.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, yikes! No points. Okay, after one round, we got Summer and Jackie with 50 points, Mason and Shanile with 0, and John Christopher and Abissaleth with 50 points.

[Christopher is brushing Abissaleth’s hair.]

Close game so far, huh, cutie pie Paul?

Paul: Please, just call me Paul.

Shelby: We’ll see. Second question, and we’ll start with John Christopher. What’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Christopher: Oh, that’s easy. That I’ll meet a woman and get married one day.

Abissaleth: Yes, I put [shows her written card] “That a woman whose menarche has come will ensnare him, leaving me to perish in my loneliness and filth, alone, alone, alooooone. Also, lyme disease.”

Shelby: I really don’t want to give that answer points, but that’s 50 points.

[right answer bell] [Abissaleth starts singing and then Christopher and Abissaleth kiss again.]

Shelby: Okay. Okay. Okay. And my producers are asking that you limit your songs to no songs. Alright, Summer, what’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Summer: Oh, um, probably spiders.

Jackie: Oh, shoot. I said [showing her written card] I said that “My husband and I will get into one of our loud fights in front of her friends.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, oh! No points. I hear you though. My mom and dad would fight all the time. My dad was not afraid of a drink. Let’s go to Mason and Shanile.

Shanile: Ah, we forfeit. We can’t beat these two. [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] They kissing on the lip. Look at them. Look.

[Christopher is sitting on Abissaleth’s lap. Abissaleth is caressing his thighs.]

Shelby: Yeah. Yeah. No one’s gonna beat them. I don’t think they’ve ever slept in separate rooms. Okay, we’ve got to take a quick break before round two.

Christopher: Well, will I have time for restroom?

Abissaleth: And will I have time to help him in there? Coz he can’t aim.

Shelby: Oh, my god! We’ll be right back.

Themyscira

Wonder Woman… Gal Gadot

Leslie Jones

Mother… Cecily Strong

Dre… Kate McKinnon

Megan… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with warriors training] [Cut to Wonder Woman and Leslie sparring]

Leslie: Your power grows each day.

Wonder Woman: I was born to fight and save the world from Ares.

Leslie: And you will.

[Mother walks in]

Mother: Diana! We have spoken about this. I do not wish you to fight.

Wonder Woman: I must be prepared, mother. For Themyscira is a sanctuary of sisterhood. We must know how to protect ourselves.

All: Here, here.

[Dre and Megan sail in on a boat]

Dre: Hello. Hello? Oh, man.

Megan: Oh, wow. Permission to dock, ladies?

Dre: Yeah. Permission to dock. Hey.

[Dre and Megan get out of the boat and walk to Wonder Woman]

Megan: Yeah. We’ve been floating out there watching you guys kick ass.

Dre: And I was like, “Megan, paddle that way.” Yeah.

Wonder Woman: How did you find Themyscira?

Dre: Well, we went out on our schooner. We got caught in some kind of vortex.

Megan: Yeah. We’ve been paddling out there for weeks looking for some signs of life.

Dre: We were thinking we’re never going to get home so we started looking for more of our kind.

Megan: Yeah. And it looks like we found a whole island of us.

Wonder Woman: Well, welcome.

Dre: Thank you. Nice to meet you. I guess I’ll cut to the chase. Show a hands, who else here is a les?

[the warriors don’t raise their hands]

Is it everyone or do we have a couple of allies.

Megan: Yeah. Okay, so, it’s Megan and Dre. Who else? We got two. We’d love to see that [pointing at Wonder Woman’s hand] hand go up, Diane.

Wonder Woman: I’m not sure I understand.

Dre: Okay. We’re on it. So far for hands, we got Megan, we got Dre. Got to be more. This is outrageous.

Megan: Yeah. Maybe somebody in the back? you with the frosted tips?

Dre: Okay. So, nobody.

Megan: Nobody but the three of us. [hand gesture including Wonder Woman with them]

Wonder Woman: Oh, I didn’t raise my hand.

Megan: Okay, this is a huge letdown for us.

Dre: Again, just coz the whole thing seemed super gay.

Wonder Woman: You should be a couple.

Leslie: Yeah, y’all cute together.

Dre: Okay, we tried.

Megan: We tried.

Dre: It’s a no.

Megan: It’s a no.

Dre: It was not a fit.

Megan: Yeah. Yeah. We spent about half an hour working very hard on each other. And then I finally said, “Are you as miserable as I am?”

Dre: And I nodded.

Wonder Woman: I’m sorry. You are taking this wrong way.

Heidi: Diana is right.

[Melissa is playing with Heidi’s hair]

Melissa: Your hair smells like jasmine.

[Heidi and Melissa giggles with each other flirting]

Megan: Okay.

Dre: That burns.

Megan: Yeah.

Dre: I mean, what is that? That’s such a waste.

Megan: yeah. And that so easily could transition into such a cool night.

Wonder Woman: I mean I love all my sisters. But when I look at their bodies, all I see is strength and power.

Dre: Yeah, yeah. So, we see the same thing, but we see it on top of us squirming around, followed by a long discussion about our anxieties and our aging parents.

Megan: Yes.

[Melissa and Heidi are laughing]

Heidi: I vested you again.

Melissa: Your thighs are too too strong.

Megan: Okay. It’s like we are in a porn, but the plumber is just genuinely there to fix the pipes.

Dre: Dammit! Dammit! No one’s wrong here. It’s just– it’s just unfortunate.

[Wonder Woman puts her hands on each of Dre and Megan’s shoulders]

Wonder Woman: Will it help for me to comfort you? For we are all sisters. Lay your heads on my tits. [Wonder Woman puts Dre and Megan’s heads on her breasts.]

Megan: Okay. Do you see why this sucks for us?

Dre: See, this makes it so much worse. Water, water everywhere. Do you understand?

Megan: Yeah.

Wonder Woman: No, I really want to understand. I do. I know. Maybe I should just try and kiss one of you and see if I feel something.

Megan: Okay. I don’t want to play this game. I get too emotionally involved.

Dre: We’re not guinea pigs. We’re not here for you to experiment on. Unless you feel strongly about it.

Megan: Yeah. I mean, you are an amazon and you could overpower us.

Dre: Right. Right. It’s useless for us to try to fight you. So I guess just pick one of us. I’ll do it.

Wonder Woman: Very well.

Dre: Alright. Alright.

[Megan is biting her fingers.] [Wonder Woman kisses Dre. The kiss looks very intimate] [cheers and applause]

Wonder Woman: I’m sorry, I feel nothing.

Megan: Okay. And I felt nothing watching.

Dre: Nope. Me neither. Zero. I felt zero from that. So, now we know. Good. Get in the boat. This is too sad.

Megan: Yeah. Okay. Where are we going?

Dre: Away from here.

Megan: Okay. Okay.

[Cut to a cartoon map. A boat reaches an island called Lesbo’s.]

Female voice: Land ho! Just be cool. Ladies, ahoy!