Louis… Marcello Hernandez
Britney… Chloe Fineman
Mother… Pedro Pascal
Louis: Babe, so before we go in, I just want you to know that my mom can be pretty protective of me. And I just don’t want you to get scared off.
Britney: Louis, don’t worry, we’re good.
Louis: Okay. Woo-hoo, Mama-minda, we’re home.
Mother: Mi Hijo lindo, I’m coming. [walks in and starts crying]
Mother: the man of my life. ay, Dios mio. Luisito. Oh my college boy, I missed you so much. [starts hitting with newspaper] You don’t call enough. Bad boy. I’ll kill you. I put you in jail. Ah! I love you so much.
Louis: Aw, mama. Well, I love you too, mama. And I want to introduce you to my new girlfriend, Britney.
Britney: Hi. Yes, Miss Flores. I’m Brittany. I’ve heard so much about you.
Mother: You are cute. You dress like a boy. I like that.
Louis: Haha-mama. Let’s eat. How about that?
Britney: With love. And hey, my parents taught me never to come empty handed. So I did bring some vegan sliders.
Mother: Louis, [foreign language] vegan sliders?
Britney: Is she talking about me?
Louis: Oh, yes. But in a good way. Don’t worry. Mama. We’re hungry.
Britney: Yes. And this looks great. Um, where should I put these?
Mother: I’ll take it. Thank you. [Takes the bag and throws the vegan sliders into the trash] Sit, sit.
Louis: Everything looks so great, Mama. Thank you.
Mother: So Brittany, what are you studying?
Britney: I’m actually studying fine art with a concentration in 17th century baroque architecture.
Mother: So she doesn’t like money.
Louis: Mama, please. Brittany wants to be an art professor one day.
Mother: Oh, so she’s a lesbian?
Louis: Mama, please.
Mother: No, no, no, no. Mi nuera no puede estudiar fine art y usar tu dinero para dizque broke architecture.
Louis: Mama, por favor. No le importa el dinero a ella.
Mother: Te puedes imaginar? Van Gogh, Picasso, Britney with the vegan sliders.
Britney: Okay, so she’s talking about me.
Louis: No le hables asi a la pobre. Es una nice White girl. Se cuida mucho. Siempre se pone sunscreen. Y tiene mucho talento. Sabe jugar ultimate frisbee.
Britney: Oh my gos. Listen, I am so sorry if I offended you in any way. I only want the best for your son. Like Louis, do you remember when you were having trouble concentrating for semester?
Louis: Oh, no, no, no.
Britney: And I set you up with my family doctor?
Britney: Well, I helped Louis out. Now he’s on ADD medication and he’s doing a lot better.
Mother: My son don’t have ADD. He just like to jump.
Britney: Oh, well, ADD isn’t anything to be embarrassed about. Demi Lovato has it.
Mother: Ella entra a mi casa con su “family doctor”, hablando de que “normalize ADD”.
Britney: Okay, she hates me.
Louis: She’s not talking about you. Mama, yo entiendo que no te cae bien su unisex apparel
Louis: Y si no fuera por ella, yo nunca viera “White Lotus”.
Mother: Esta brujita, con su Pinterest, hablando de que, “Hey man, wanna go get some sweet green?”
Britney: What is she saying?
Mother: Pero no me digas a mi que te vas a casar con ella o tenera una relacion “long-term”, okay? No.
Mother: A mi no me importa si tu te metes con eila para un “one-night-stand”, “hit it and quit it”, “rip and dip”. I don’t care. That’s okay.
Britney: Okay, that was all English. Please, I would just love to start over.
Louis: Yes. Can we please just eat? How about that?
Britney: Yes, this looks delicious, Ms. Flores. But before we eat, mind if I say Grace?
Mother: Grace? Oh, Mija. Louis… why didn’t you tell me she was a woman of God?
Louis: Oh my god.
Mother: Now where are my grandchildren?