Girlfriends Talk Show with Amy Adams and One Direction

Morgan… Aidy Bryant

Cara… Cecily Strong

Megan… Amy Adams

Dancer guys… One Direction

[Starts with Girlfriends talk show intro]

Female singing: Girlfriends talking about guys and stuff
Girlfriends talking about you guys and clothes
Girlfriends talk show.

[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Morgan and Cara at their set.]

Cara: Hi, I am Cara and this is how I do me.

Morgan: Yeah. And I am Morgan, and I do myself a few different ways.

Cara: Morgan, don’t say it like that. We’re BFFs.

Morgan: Yeah, Best Fabulous Females.

Cara: I haven’t seen Morgan in a while coz she has been really busy with the school dance team.

Morgan: Yeah. My involvement with the dance squad has basically taken over my life. It’s my passion. It’s totally eclipsed loom art.

Cara: Then you’re gonna love our surprise guest, Morgan. I invited captain of your dance squad. She’s gonna tell us how good you are.

Morgan: Oh, no. Ask me first. Always!

Cara: Please welcome Megan Carter Cosgro.

[Megan walks in a cheerleader outfit and sits beside Cara.] [cheers and applause.]

Megan: Hi, Cara. Thanks for having me on your show. Morgan and I haven’t seen each other in a long, long time.

Cara: Why, isn’t she in your dance squad?

Megan: Well, that is a really interesting question. Is Morgan on my dance squad?

Morgan: Hmm, mother earth, please, take me away. Give me the powers of flight.

Megan: Um, do you wanna tell her the truth, Morgan? Coz, I’m known as the sweetie and I think the answer will embarrass you.

Cara: So, just say it Morgan.

Morgan: Very well. I am a fourth alternate. I basically just hang out and I wait for a disaster to happen to someone.

Cara: Awesome! First topic… Dance moves—

Morgan: [interrupting Cara] True life angel stories.

Cara: Dance moves.

Morgan: Oh, no.

Megan: Yeah, Morgan. Since you claim to be a part of the team, you must know all of the dances.

Morgan: Oh, this is a girl trap. I can feel it.

Megan: Let’s do, body pump 2,000.

[music playing] [Morgan and Megan stand to dance.] [Megan dances but Morgan is just shaking her body.]

Cara: Well, one of you wasn’t doing the dance and my gut says Morgan.

Morgan: I was just marking it. I’m saving it out for the show.

Megan: But you’re not in the show.

Morgan: Okay. Well, if four girls get hurt, I am in the show. So, you better take your chewable vitamins along with your bitch sandwich and then go ahead and sit on the sandwich as well.

Cara: Morgan! Chill out.

Megan: The real reason Morgan isn’t in the team is because she seizes up when any of the guy dancers are around.

Morgan: Not true.

Cara: Good! Coz they’re here.

Morgan: The guys?

Cara: Yeah. Please welcome Bret, Parker, Brandon, Brason and Scot.

[The guys walk in dancing wearing the matching outfit as Megan]

Bret: What’s up, Morgan?

Parker: Hello, Morgan.

Brandon: What’s up, girl?

Brason: Yo!

Scot: What’s up?

Brason: Long time no see, girl.

Scot: How’s your guinea pig?

[Cut to Morgan and Cara]

Morgan: I wana-ta-ta-yai-yai… [she can’t speak] [Cut to everybody]

Megan: See?

Cara: Morgan, make a word.

Morgan: G-G-G-Gout!

Bret: Hey, Cara.

Cara: Hey.

Parker: Hello, Cara.

Cara: Hi.

Brandon: What’s up?

Cara: Hi.

Brason: What’s up?

Morgan: Wait, how did they all know you?

Cara: Oh, they’re all my ex-boyfriends. No hard feelings, right guys? People change, people move on, people grow.

Megan: Yeah, I heard you’re dating a cool older guy.

Cara: Yeah! My boyfriend’s older. He lives on a house boat now coz of water laws, coz he hates housing taxes. He says they’ll have to price taxes from his cold dead hands. I’ve never been on it. Every Sunday, I go to the dock and stand on a shrimp cage and eat a lobster roll while he watches from a tiny port hole. Sometimes I can see one eye looking at me. Other times just a mouth laughing. My boyfriend’s crazy!

Parker: As long as you’re happy…

Brandon: We happy!

Megan: Guys, you know what would make great TV? Us dancing.

Bret: Hey, Morgan. Can I have this dance with you?

Morgan: Oh, my god. I am blasting out of my pants right now.

Cara: Morgan, you didn’t mean to say that out loud I think.

Morgan: No, you are right. Cara, let the dancing begin.

[music playing] [everybody are dancing, including Morgan] [cheers and applause]

Zombie Apocalypse High School

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Dunken… Kyle Mooney

Megan… Cecily Strong

Harry Miller… Jim Carrey

Ben… Pete Davidson

[Starts with a clip of destroyed houses. The screen reads “Powder Springs, Georgia. Kenan0 days after the zombie apocalypse.”]

Kenan: Hey, you think this buried Kater hall?
Beck: It better.

[Cut to the four survivors]

This is the last safe place in town.

Dunken: Never thought I’d be so happy to be stuck at school.

Megan: Shut up, Dunken.

Dunken: Whatever, Megan!

Kenan: Hey, somebody’s coming.

Beck: Who’s out there?

[Cut to everybody. Harry Miller is standing with a baseball bat and a cushion tied on on arm.]

Harry Miller: Hey there, neighbor. My name’s Harry Miller, seeking refuge. You went to school with my boy, Ben.

Megan: Oh, yeah! Ben Miller. I had science with him.

Beck: You ain’t been bit, right?

[Cut to Harry Miller]

Harry Miller: Do I look like I’ve been bit, y’all? Could a zombie do this? A-B-C-D-E-F-G– and the rest?

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Very impressive. Clear path for him boys.

[Cut to Harry Miller]

Harry Miller: Ben, come on now. Come on boy.

[Harry Miller has Ben who is a zombie on a rod leash. He is hitting him with the baseball bat.] [Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Uh, Ben’s a zombie, dude!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What? Ben? That’s bananas.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Now, look at him. It’s not bananas at all.

Megan: He’s acting all sparling.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What? Anyone can tell this boy suffers from classic case of ADHD.

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat] [Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Ay! He’s trying to say flesh. And that is a zombie word.

Dunken: Yeah! Plus, if he’s not a zombie then why am I like, super scared of him?

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: Oh, I get it. Y’all don’t want him in there because you think he different. Well, you know what? He is different. He likes art, he reads books that challenge him. That’s why we can’t come in, right?

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat] [Cut to the four survivors]

Megan: [putting on some lip gloss] He’s right, y’all. We shouldn’t not let Ben in just because he is a bookworm.

Dunken: Where did you even get the lip gloss, Megan?

Megan: I looted it from Sephora.

Beck: Ah! Dude, Ben’s eating a hand.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben. Ben is eating a hand.]

Harry Miller: [Hitting Ben with the bat] Hey, put that down.

[Harry Miller gives Ben something out of his pocket hiding from the other four survivors]

Here, I tell you what. For now, just take this. Eat it.

[Ben eats it] [Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Oh! You just fed him brain. I saw it.

Kenan: Come on! Why wasting our time, man? He’s a zombie. You’re not. I mean, this is just straight up stupid?

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What does he have to do to get in there? Put on a show? I mean, he does impressions. Do one Ben.

[Cut to Ben. He’s just screaming like a zombie.] [Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: I’ll give you a hint. Talks real slow. Stares at you with dead eyes. It’s Brian Williams.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Megan: Oh, my god! That is good, right?

Beck: Watch out!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben. Another zombie tries to attack Harry Miller but Ben stops him] [Cut to Ben and another zombie. They talk in zombie language then bite each other’s flesh.] [Cut to Harry Miller, Ben and the other zombie. The other zombie leaves.]

Harry Miller: That’s my boy. Bossing around with his pals.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Why are you keeping this up? Your son speaks to zombies.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben.]

Harry Miller: Well, I speak a few words Spanish, that don’t make me a Mexican.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: You know what? Last chance, dude! You can come in but your zombie son can’t.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben.]

Harry Miller: Alright. Guess I’m busted. He is a zombie.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: We know!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: Let me just say goodbye to my boy. Will You? Now Ben.

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

Now, you listen here Ben. You gotta be your own man Ben. Ben, you gotta be your own man, make an ashed dead girl a happy, happy dead girl. Marry her, fall in love. Have a baby and eat it. Here.

[Harry Miller gives Ben something out of his pocket]

I want you to have this. It’s the last little bit of brain your mama had.

[Ben eats it]

Now you go on and be the zombie [crying] that I know you can be. Well, I guess one more hug wouldn’t hurt. Come here.

[When Harry Miller tries to hug Ben, he bites him on the shoulder.]

Oh, god! Oh, my god! That was just not really smart thing to–

[Harry Miller is also growling now. They walk to the four survivors] [Cut to the four survivors. Harry Miller and Ben are trying to reach them]

Dunken: I’ll get the crossbows.

Megan: Get right, Dunken. You suck at shooting.

Dunken: Shut up, Megan!

[Ends with the clip of the destroyed house]