Hotline Bling Parody

Drake… Jay Pharoah

Father… Beck Bennett

Teacher… Taran Killam

Tax guy… Donald Trump

Ed Grimley… Martin Short

[Starts with Jay Pharoah mimicking Drake’s Hotline Bling music video]

Song: I know you make fun of my…
I know you, I know you
I know you make fun of my dance moves
turn me into meme and gifs
but I’m proud of my dance moves
coz lots of people dance like this
bet your father dance like me

Old man: Like I just turned 53.

Song: Your physics teacher dance like me

Teacher: Dancing in the homecoming

Song: I just let the music make me move
Shimmy like a drunk guy when his team scores
do a little cha-cha at the dance floor
never seen a rapper dance like this before?
I’m standing by my dance moves
I call this one the sneaky fish
I bet y’all like this dance move
and this one’s called the miracle whip

Old man: You know when I sway my hips
I do cool things with my lips

[Ed Grimley is dancing]

Song: Ed Grimley invented this
taught me how to jump and twist

Ed Grimley: Drizzy Drake has stole my moves and that’s no lie.

Song: Yeah, you’ve been waiting for this moment
well people, here it is
dads are getting in on this
teachers getting in on this

[Donald Trump as tax guy dancing Hotline Bling.]

your tax guys getting in on this

Donald Trump: [singing] You used to call me on the cell phone

Song: Lots of people dance like this

Donald Trump: [singing and dancing] You used to call me on the cell phone

Song: I swear it’s cool to dance like this

[Everybody is dancing Hotline Bling] [The End]

Wedding Objections

Ian… Martin Freeman

Alberta… Leslie Jones

Father… Beck Bennett

Marny… Aidy Bryant

Patricia… Venessa Bayer

Alberta’s dad… Kenan Thompson

Doctor… Taran Killam

Casidy… Cecily Strong

Evelyn… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a man and a woman getting married in a church.]

Ian: Alberta, my love. Standing here in front of you, I know that my life is finally complete. Although we may come from different worlds, I Harrow and Oxford, you the WNBA, our love is one for the ages.

Father: And now for the bride’s vows.

Alberta: My dearest little Ian, before I met you the only time I felt truly alive was when I was out on the court throwing elbows, pushing bitches, falling out in the first quarter, wearing my plastic face mask and laying sisters out. But now that I have you, I feel complete.

Father: Beautiful. And at this time, if anyone can see any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

[Cut to everybody in the church raising their hands]

I see. Those of you who are now raising your hands. Yes, why don’t you start?

[Marny stands]

Marny: Hi. My name is Marny. I’m the bride’s roommate. Um, Alberta, you barely know this man. I mean, you met him five days ago at a combination Tacobell Pizzahut. You guys have had sex 50 times in our shared living space and in the rare moments that you’re not going at it, you are having full scream fights on the front lawn. Please, do not do this.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Marny, I love you, but you a hater and you’re jealous.

Ian: Marny, think of it like this. You’re not losing a roommate. You’re gaining a roommate.

Father: Yes, you. Lady right here in the front.

[Cut to Patricia]

Patricia: Hi, Ian. Remember me? I’m your wife, Patricia. Quick question, why are you throwing our marriage like this?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: And to that, I reply I am not throwing anything away. I am throwing a clutch three pointer right at the buzzer and that’s happiness.

Father: It looks like we’ve got a line of objections forming in the isle.

[Cut to the line. Alberta’s dad is at the front.]

Go ahead and step up to the microphone.

Alberta’s dad: Uh, yeah, I’m the father of the bride. Dammit, Alberta! Does this white boy know how many kids you got? How many kids you think she got, sir?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, I’ll say three.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: Well, double it and add four.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Daddy! Do not ruin this for me.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: 10! 10 kids. You need to be straight with this boy. He just adopted a Wu Tang Clan.

[Alberta’s dad leaves] [Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Sir, thank you for your concern. Your daughter did actively deceive me in this matter but I deceived her as well. Alberta, I am not the King of England. And the only castle I own is a White Castle.

Alberta: We good. Who is the next dummy?

[Cut to a doctor standing]

Doctor: Yes, hello. I am an emergency room doctor and few days ago this man was admitted to my ER with what I can only describe as a shattered penis.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: That’s my bad. Sorry.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: And after about 10 hours of surgery, I was able to reconstruct it.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, mostly.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: Yes, mostly. But it is still very much touch and go, extremely fragile. The best analogy would be a late state zynga tower. And I am just so, so scared for what may happen to this man’s penis tonight. Because if there is one wrong move, Zynga!

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Thanks! Bye!

Ian: Yeah! Bye!

Father: Yes, the young lady in the headband.

[Cut to Casidy. She is in her basketball jersey.]

Casidy: Uh, yo, what’s up? I’m Alberta’s teammate Casidy. Ay, go lady bears! Uh, I know you love this little guy, but coach says we got a real shot this year. You got to focus on the game. A WNBA championship. We’d be set for life. $5,000 split among us.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Maybe she has a point.

Alberta: Hey, baby, look at me. I can do both. By the day I will pull down those rebounds and by night, I’ll pull down my drobes.

Father: Okay, how about one last objection?

[Cut to Evelyn. She is an old lady.]

Evelyn: I don’t know these people. I was just walking by and I caught a very brief glimpse of these two thrill the winter. Now, I am a mild mannered person. I don’t speak in groups. I don’t get involved. But when I saw these two, every hair on my body stood up and said, “Evelyn, get in there and shut it down!” Also, I am a psychic. And I can tell you with complete confidence, all of this ends with a great gruesome murder at a female Big and Tall shop. The murder weapon will be an extra large plastic hanger.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve heard your complaints.

Alberta: We have.

Ian: And we understand your trepidation.

Alberta: We do.

Ian: And yes, we are very different people. But more importantly, daddy needs his chocolate. He need it, need it, need it.

Alberta: That’s right.

Ian: Chocolate in the morning. Chocolate in the evening. Chocolate at supper time. Thank you.

Father: Well, if that’s all, I’d like to add my objection to the mix. And also pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

[Ian and Alberta kiss]

Funeral DJs

Aidy Bryant

Dad… Beck Bennett

Father… Mikey Day

Marcus… Harry Styles

Luke… Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a video clip of a church]

Aidy: It’s so hard, knowing that you’re gone, Nana. [Cut to inside the church at funeral.] But at least we know you’re in a better place. Right, dad?

Dad: Yeah, I love you, mom.

[Aidy and Dad leave]

Father: Well, it’s clear that Betty had a special place in all of our hearts. Now, as it says in the book of Psalms, praise the lord god with timbrel and dancing. So we would like to close out today’s ceremony with a musical tribute from Betty’s close personal friends, Marcus and Luke.

[Dance music starts playing with disco lights] [Cut to the visitors of the funeral]

Aidy: What’s going on, dad?

Dad: I don’t know.

[Cut to the funeral casket. Two DJs come in making noise.]

Marcus: Yo, all right Meyer’s family. Time to turn up. Who’s ready to get sad today?

Luke: Who’s ready?

Marcus: How are we all doing tonight?

[Cut to Alex and Melissa]

Alex: Yes.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: I said, how we all doing tonight?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Everybody: Bad!

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Luke: Now, we all are on board.

Marcus: Let’s blow this place up. And celebrate the life of Betty Meyers. 89 years old.

Luke: R-R-Rest in peace, bitch.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: Excuse me?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: She had a full life, yo.

Luke: Full ass life.

Marcus: But she’s gone now. And you sad, get your ass up right now.

Luke: Get your sad ass up. Yo, let’s bounce.

[Music changes to ‘Say Something’ by Big World]

Song: Say something I’m giving up on you.

[The DJs take off their glasses] [Cut to Alex and Melissa]

Alex: I’m very confused by all this.

Melissa: Me, too.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: It’s okay to feel confused.

Luke: Because your grandma’s dead.

[Dance music stars playing] [Cut to the people at funeral]

Aidy: What is this?

Melissa: I don’t know. But I kind of like it.

Dad: I don’t. And it is my mom. Who are these guys?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: We are funeral DJs. I thought that was obvious. Now we’ve got a question for you all.

Luke: H-H-How you holding up?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Alex: Get that laptop off my Nana’s casket, you jackass.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: Can’t do that. But I can ask you to follow us under the Facebook name DJ Casket!

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Aidy: Wait, now I’m more confused. Is your name DJ Casket or DJ Casket Twins?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: We only say this one more time. We are DJ Casket.

Luke: Twins..

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: How the hell are you guys twins?

[Cut to Marcus and Luke] [The music changes to Sarah McLachlan – In the arms of an angel]

Marcus: You know, even though Betty is not here, doesn’t mean she’s not around. \

Robot voice: She in heaven smoking blunts.

[Dance music starts playing again] [Cut to the people at funeral]

Melissa: Nana smoked blunts? That’s cool.

Aidy: Father Daigle, why are you doing this to us?

Alex: Get these guys out of here.

[Cut to Father, Marcus and Luke]

Father: Look, please remember that these guys were close personal friends of your mom’s.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Dad: [In angry voice] And how do you know that?

[Cut to Father, Marcus and Luke]

Father: Because that’s what they said. Do these guys look like liars?

[Cut to the people at funeral]

Dad: Yes, they said they were twins.

Melissa: I don’t know. I think these guys are kind of cool.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus: All right. Before we bring this home, Scott is going to come around for the tithes and offerings.

[Cut to the people at funeral. There’s a man wearing funky dress and asking for offerings]

Pete: Hey, what’s up? We appreciate the money that jingles, but we love the money that balls.

Aidy: Who are you?

Pete: I’m the official manager of DJ Casket. Look, I know you’re sad today. But the good news is, heaven’s got brand new ho.

Aidy: What?

Melissa: Go grandma.

[Cut to Marcus and Luke]

Marcus:  All right. Let’s bring it home. And remember–

[Music changes to R.E.M. – Everybody Hurts]

Marcus: [Singing]

Don’t let yourself go

coz…

[Music changes to C+C Music Factory – Gonna Make You Sweat]

Song: Everybody dance now!

[Marcus and Luke open their pants. They’re wearing underwear with ‘RIP Betty’ written on them.]

Marcus: Rest in peace, Betty.

[Cut to Aidy and Dad]

Aidy: Dad, why are you crying?

Dad: Because mom would have actually liked this.

Father-Son Podcasting Microphone

Father… David Harbour

Son… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a father and a son sitting on a couch]

Announcer: The father/son relationship is one of the most important bonds in the world, [Son moves away from his father and starts using his phone] but we all know talking to your son isn’t always easy.

[Cut to son sketching something and father walks in]

Father: What’s that?

Son: Just one of my inventions.

Father: Sure.

[Cut to father and son having a mean in their dining hall]

Announcer: But now every father can break through to his son using [Cut to a microphone] the father/son podcasting microphone.

[Cut to the father and his son both talking on a microphone]

With the father/son podcasting microphone, you and your son can start to have real meaningful conversations.

Father: Today, I am joined by my co-host, my son.

Son: It’s great to be here, dad.

Announcer: Dad and son can finally open up to each other using the comforting cadence and structure of a podcast.

Son: I’d say my dad’s distant.

Father: It’s though. You know? This notebook, you can read about being a dad.

Son: Actually, there are several.

Announcer: A podcast is a great chance for father and son to get raw, confessional and unfiltered.

Son: I guess looking back on my life so far, I’ve done everything in order to gain my dad’s approval.

Announcer: But sometimes things get too real. Luckily you can always shift gears with a quick commercial.

Father: You know what I’d do? Squarespace. You want to make a beautiful website in no time? Squarespace has you covered.

Son: Choose from hundreds of stunning templates start from scratch. And our listeners can get started for free with promo code “sonlovedad.”

Father: You nailed that kiddo.

Announcer: With a father/son podcast, your conversations can be divided into equally digestible segments.

Father: Well, it turns out vasectomies don’t always take, and that wraps up this week’s edition of family secrets.

[Cut to demo of how to use the microphone]

Announcer: And plus, there’s an adjustable mic stand so that you can raise up the mic as your son becomes a man.

Father: 114th episodes later, and you’re almost as tall as your old man.

Son: Well, I have been taking a little bit of HGH.

[Cut to the microphone commercial]

Announcer: The father/son podcasting microphone just has to get you through three awkward years before you can start drinking together.