Porch Scene

Josh… Kate McKinnon

Cassie… Zoë Kravitz

Jason… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Josh brings Cassie’s calculator to her home]

Cassie: Thanks for bringing over my calculator. I can’t believe I forgot it and study hall.

Josh: My pleasure. Yeah, well, my mother’s running late. So I’ll just stand by the mailbox and wait to be retrieved.

Cassie: No, Josh, wait, you can wait here. Come sit.

Josh: If you insist.

[they both sit on the couch in the porch. Cassie is comfortable but Josh is sitting awkwardly.]

Cassie: I just want to say it’s been really great being in math class with you.

Josh: Honestly, Cassie, I would have to return the sentiment.

Cassie: I love how you do impressions from the characters from Frasier.

Josh: “The Niles came quick.” I’m still working on my Raw.

Cassie: Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m glad your mom is late.

Josh: Glad you said?

Cassie: Yeah. [holds Josh’s hand] Really glad.

Josh: Umm, can you just excuse me for one moment because I’m getting a phone call from my Schwab agent. [pulls out his phone and calls his friend] [whispering] Yes, hello. Is my BFF Jason there? Yeah, so hold.

Jason: Hello, you have Jason.

Josh: Jason. Jason, you’re not gonna believe I’m about to tell you. I am sitting exceedingly close to the Hilary Duff of our algebra class.

Jason: Whoa! I’m glad you called me. I’m only straight boy in my ballet class. So I’m pretty much experienced now. Okay, so tell me, what your body language?

Josh: So I am facing away from her and I’m clinging to the edge for dear life a marvelous.

Jason: And what is she doing?

Josh: Oh, please. She’s looking at me.

Jason: Okay, my friend. We find ourselves in choppy waters. We need to take her breath away. Whisper a secret in her ear and do it sensually.

Josh: Yes, please hold. [whispering in Cassie’s ear] I once got mono from a trombone.

Cassie: Wow. Thanks for telling me that. I feel like I know you better.

Josh: [back on the phone] Okay, that one shockingly well.

Jason: Oh, good noozle chap. Now. Time to impress. Tell her about a recent accomplishment.

Josh: Right oh. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, so my parents said I was actually very emotionally mature when they put down my turtle.

Cassie: Wow, at least he didn’t suffer.

Josh: He actually did. The doctor didn’t hit him in the right spot.

Cassie: That’s intense. Sounds like you were really strong.

Josh: [back on the phone] Jason, against all odds, I’m continuing to crush.

Jason: Wow, with my advice, I can’t feign surprise. But you need to find out if she’s truly available.

Josh: Yes, of course. Hold on. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, are you currently dating anyone?

Cassie: No, I’m done with Jax. I like quiet guys, or actually girls too.

Josh: [back on the phone] Consider my brand short circuited. We have a modern woman on our hands.

Jason: Good. Then let up the romance. Act like you’re in a movie and wipe an eyelash from her face.

Josh: Oh, brilliant. Stand by please. [Josh wipes Cassie’s eyes very fast] Okay, I did it.

Jason: Okay, how did it go?

Josh: I didn’t tell her that’s what I was doing, so not sure.

Cassie: It’s getting a little late. Do you mind if I put my head on your shoulder?

Josh: Yes. Shoulder shoulder available. [Cassie puts her head on Josh’s shoulder]

Cassie: I like this.

Josh: Jason things are progressing.

Jason: My good man. Okay, we want to keep her in the driver’s seat. Call attention to your knee so that she knows it’s there.

[Josh starts pointing on his knee]

Now, if she likes, she may touch it with her own.

[Cassie moves her leg near Josh’s]

Josh: Okay, we have contracted via the knee. We have affirmative patella on patella. Also I can feel my penis in my head.

Jason: Oh this is officially above my paygrade.

Josh: Jason, Jason, You have to stay with me. The stakes are life and death. What now?

Jason: Okay. Check her shoulder demeanor. Is it stiff or is it loose?

Josh: Okay, remain on the line please. [when Josh tries to look at Cassie’s shoulder, she faces him to kiss.] Oh dear god. She’s met my gaze. We are looking at each other and we’re becoming soulmates.

Jason: Okay, Roger, dodger, you oh codger.

Josh: I find myself afraid, not of love but of losing our friendship.

Jason: Now, shaver this my good man. This is the spice of life.

Cassie: Hey, can we kiss now?

Josh: You heard the lady. I’ll see you on the other side.

Jason: I’m gonna be an uncle!

Science Room with Jason Sudeikis

Mr. Teacher… Jason Sudeikis

Lonnie… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

Father… Kyle Mooney

Mother… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with the show intro]

Female voice: The PBS learning afternoon. Up next, an all new science room.

[cut to Mr. Teacher standing in front of a huge periodic table]

Mr. Teacher: You know, I don’t study this table all the time. Just periodically. Hey there, future scientists. Welcome to the Science Room. I’m your host Mr. Teacher and today I’m being joined by two junior volunteers, Lonnie and Josh. How are you guys doing today?

Josh: Good.

Lonnie: Bad.

[They both are acting awkward]

Mr. Teacher: Hey, don’t worry. I’m nervous too. Okie, dokie. So, today, we are learning gravity.  [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] Yeah. And to do so, we are going to use this model. [Mr. Teacher picks up a solar system model. Lonnie and Josh start clapping] Yeah. Now, who knows what this is?

Lonnie: Balls.

Mr. Teacher: Um, yes, they are. But this is actually a model of our solar system. And these aren’t just balls. They’re actually planets. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] You know, I love your enthusiasm but you guys don’t have to clap after everything I say. Okay? Now, Josh, can you point the planet earth on this model? [Josh points at the sun] No, no, Josh. That’s the sun. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] No, no, don’t clap Lonnie. Stop, stop. Remmeber? Josh is wrong here. We’re not applauding anymore. Right? Let’s remember that. Lonnie, why don’t you help Josh out? Why don’t you please point to planet earth? [Lonnie holds the sun] No, did you not just see? No. Look, earth is right here. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] No, no, no. Stop. Stop.

Lonnie: Sorry.

Mr. Teacher: No, don’t apologize. Just don’t do it anymore. Then you don’t have to apologize. You don’t do it, you don’t apologize.

Josh: Okay.

Mr. Teacher: Okay, good. Okay, now gravity is the principle that all things with mass are attracted to one another. And gravity is– [Lonnie and Josh start playing with the solar system model] Don’t mess with them. Don’t mess with them. You don’t have to mess with them. Gravity is what makes our planets– No, stop. Stop touching it. It makes our planets orbit around the sun. Knock it off, okay? Stop! They orbit around the sun because– I swear to god! Because sun is a large– Okay, you know what? Stop! How about this? Let’s do this. Let’s just name some of the planets, okay? Now this one right here, what’s this?

Lonnie: A ball.

Mr. Teacher: No, Lonnie. No. Remember they’re planets, okay? Remember? Okay? This is planet…

Lonnie: Hollywood?

Mr. Teacher: No. Josh. It’s next to the sun. It’s very hot.

Josh: Oh. Phoenix?

Mr. Teacher: No. That’s a city in Arizona.

Josh: Oh, Tempi?

Mr. Teacher: No, forget it. Okay? You know what? Let’s just move on. Are you guys okay? Like, emotionally? Everything okay? [Lonnie an Josh nod their heads] Alright. Just checking. Let’s talk about gravity’s relationship with matter. Josh, what is matter?

Josh: Nothing, I’m good.

Mr. Teacher: No, no, no. Josh. I didn’t ask what’s the matter. I asked what is matter?

Josh: Um, black lives?

Mr. Teacher: No! No, no, no.

Lonnie: All lives?

Mr. Teacher: No. Not all lives. No! Matter is any substance that takes up space.

Lonnie: Oh, like the balls?

Mr. Teacher: No! Not like the balls. They’re not balls. Okay, stop it. Just ignore the balls.

Lonnie: My sister said you should never ignore the balls.

Mr. Teacher: Don’t. Don’t.

Lonnie: My sister said the guy likes it.

Mr. Teacher: Stop. Okay? Stop. Don’t say that. Okay, alright. You know what? Let’s do this. Let’s just move on. We’re gonna do a little experiment to illustrate gravity.

Lonnie: Oh, more balls.

Josh: Yeah.

Mr. Teacher: Stop. No. Look, this is– If I let go of this metal ball right here, what will happen? It will fall…

Josh: In love?

Mr. Teacher: Go to hell. Go to hell, Josh. No. If I drop this heavy ass metal ball, it will drop…

Lonnie: It like it’s hot?

Mr. Teacher: Guys! If I let go of this thing, it will smash…

Josh: That subscribe button?

Mr. Teacher: That’s enough! [throws the ball] Who is in charge of you two? Who is in charge of these two kids? You two, come here. Get out here. Come here. Right here.

[Father and Mother walk in] Who are you?

Father: I’m Josh’s father.

Mr. Teacher: Josh’s father. Okay, well, guess what, sir? You have done a horrible job. Shame on you. You hear me? Yeah. Say you’re sorry. Say it.

Father: I’m sorry.

Mr. Teacher: Alright. Thank you. And who are you, lady?

Mother: I’m Lony’s mom, Lisa.

Mr. Teacher: Lony? I’ve been calling her Lonnie the whole damn time. Lony? You didn’t speak up for yourself? Your name is Lony? Okay, well Lisa, you failed as a mother in every way with this child. Every possible way. Now both of ya, scram! Get the hell out of here. Let’s go. Let’s go. Lisa, let’s go. Beat it. No, not in front of the camera, you jack ass. Move, dummy! Go away! I will kick your ass. Get out of here.

 

Study Buddy

Krissy… Carey Mulligan

Josh.. Kate McKinnon

Jason… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Krissy and Josh are at Krissy’s room.]

Krissy: Thanks for working on that project with me, Josh. I think our diorama of the Bush family is really good.

Josh: Me too. Well, my mother won’t be here for another three quarters of an hour. I could wait by the door or clean something.

Krissy: No, stay. Let’s just talk. Here.

Josh: At your request. Alright.

[Krissy and Josh sit on a couch.]

Krissy: Well, Josh, I just wanted to say it’s been cool having so many classes with you.

Josh: Wow. Krissy, honestly, I could say the same.

Krissy: I love that your childless aunt brought you to the Galapagos. You showed you pictures to the class for an hour.

Josh: Well, your tortoise questions were very astute.

Krissy: Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m glad we’re hanging out.

Josh: Hanging out, you said?

Krissy: Yes. [puts her hand on Josh’s thighs] Hanging out.

Josh: Would you excuse me for a moment, Krissy? Because I am getting a phone call from doctor. [on the phone] Hi, is my best friend Jason there? Yes, I’ll hold.

Jason: Hello, Jason speaking.

Josh: Jason, you are not going to believe what’s going down. I am laying next to the hottest girl I have ever seen.

Jason: My good man.

Josh: I won’t say her name in case she can hear me, but I will give you a clue. She is Beyonce of our science class.

Jason: Roger that. Paint the picture.

Josh: Okay. So, we are currently in her bedroom on a papasan for two. And simply put, I’m afraid. What do I do?

Jason: Okay. Well, I’m glad you called me because I did have a girlfriend at a graphic design camp. So, tell me, what’s your body language?

Josh: Okay. I am sort of curled in a fetal position away from her on the phone.

Jason: Okay, what is she doing?

Josh: She’s looking at me.

Jason: Wow, my friend. We’re in a bit of a pickle. Okay, we need some wow factor. Why don’t you whisper a secret? Sensually into her ear?

Josh: Very good. [Josh calls Krissy to get close and whispers to her ear.] One species of jellyfish is immortal.

Krissy: Wow. That’s so cool. Thanks for telling me.

Josh: [back to phone] Okay, somehow that went well.

Jason: Cheers. Next things next. Do you have something that you could offer her? Perhaps as a gift?

Josh: Okay. One moment. [goes through his pockets] I have a hundred napkins. My inhaler. Okay, I actually do have a pair of rhinestone earrings I was going to give to the chorus teacher.

Jason: Oh! Ah-ha! I say, move the hair and see if the ear has the hole.

Josh: Okay. [moves her hair and looks for hole] Two. We’ve got a firecracker on hour hands.

Krissy: Everything okay with your doctor?

Josh: Yes, please hold. [on the phone] Jason, what’s next?

Jason: Okay, what is she doing?

Josh: Now she is looking at her gecko. Should I tell her plant life in the tank is not ideal?

Jason: Do you feel the gecko is in danger?

Josh: Not in danger but–

Jason: Well, then leave it well enough alone, my friend. There will be time for that down the road.

Josh: Good. Back to romance then I suppose.

Jason: Okay. Well, we want to keep her in the driver’s seat. Let your hand hover slightly over her. If she likes it, she ought to lift her hand to your’s.

Josh: Interesting. [Josh puts his hand raised over Krissy’s hand. Krissy holds his hand.] [on the phone] I have contact. She’s holding my hand.

Jason: Who is?

Josh: The girl.

Jason: Okay, so I’m out of my depth.

Josh: Jason. Jason. I need you to dig deep, please.

Jason: Okay. The time is right. Put your nose near her face and breathe.

[Josh moves close to Krissy and leans towards Krissy. Krissy looks at him and leans towards him too.]

Josh: It’s happening. Jason, she’s becoming in love with me. I can see it in her eyes.

Jason: Congratulations, old chap. Couldn’t have happened to a better man.

Josh: Jason, my life is changing. I must admit, I am afraid of losing you, Jason.

Jason: Neigh, my good man. We will always have each other.

Krissy: Can we kiss now?

Josh: Yes, we can. Jason, I will see you on the other side. [throws away the phone]

Jason: I dough doth cap!

Science Show

Mr. Science… Sam Rockwell

Lony… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

[Starts with PBS Kids show schedule]

Female voice: You’re watching PBS Kids. At twelve, it’s ‘Math Bus’, followed by ‘Grammar Bus.’ But first, a classic 1996 episode of ‘The Science Room with Mr. Science.’

[Cut to The Science Room video bumper] [Cut to Mr. Science in his science lab. He is looking at a skeleton.]

Mr. Science: What a bone head. Hey, junior scientists. Today in the science room, we’re discussing a very important matter. Matter. [Mr. Science walks to Lony and Josh] And helping me today are two student scientists, Lony and Josh. How are you guys doing today?

Josh: Kind of nervous.

Lony: Nervous.

Mr. Science: Well, don’t be nervous. Besides, it’s fun, right? High-five. [Mr. Science gives his hand to Josh but Josh doesn’t high-five him back] Okay. These guys are gonna help with some experiments involving matter. And there are three phases of matter. Liquid, [holds a glass of water] like this water. Solid like this table. Lony, you know the third one?

Lony: Um, water?

Mr. Science: No. Josh?
Josh: Um.

Mr. Science: Liquid? Josh?

Josh: The table.

Mr. Science: No. Remember, the table is solid. Here’s a hint. Sometimes you can’t even see it.

Lony: Behind me?

Mr. Science: No. Last guess. Josh?

Josh: Science?

Mr. Science: It’s gas. It’s gad.

Lony: Oh, yes. Gas.

Mr. Science: Our first experiment is easy to do at home. All you need is some vegetable oil. [Lony and Josh try to hold the vegetable oil bottle that’s on the table] Don’t do that. A glass of water. [Lony and Josh try to hold the glass of water that’s on the table] No need. What are you doing? And some… [Lony and Josh try to hold the food color that’s on the table] Okay. Stop. And some food coloring. Some food coloring to put in the water. Lony, Josh, what do you think will happen when I pour the oil into the water?

Lony: It will explode.

Mr. Science: What? No. Josh?

Josh: Um, nothing.

Mr. Science: Well, something has to happen. Oil is less dense than water. So, do you think it will sink or float?

Josh: The water or the oil?

Mr. Science: Oil.

Josh: Oh, then the water?

Lony: Oh, I think it’s the oil.

Mr. Science: Let’s just do the experiment. Helpers, remind the kids at home what the science room’s number one rule is.

Lony: Um, oh, don’t like– don’t let touch me under my clothes.

Mr. Science: What? No. No. I mean, yeah, of course that’s the rule. But that’s not the main rule. The answers have fun. That was really upsetting. Okay, come on. Get close and look here. [Lony and Josh get too close to the glass] Too close. Too close. Too close. [Lony and Josh move back] Now, I’m gonna pour the oil–

Lony: No, it’s gonna explode.

[Lony and Josh hide under the table]

Mr. Science: No. It’s not going to explode. Come back, guys. Not gonna explode. Here comes the oil. [Mr. Science puts the oil in the water] Okay, now, watch the oil.

[Josh picks the bottle of oil and looks at it]

No, not that oil, Josh. I just poured the oil into the water. The oil is–

Josh: False.

Mr. Science: This isn’t a true or false, Josh.

Lony: True.

Mr. Science: You can’t be this… stupid. I’m sorry. No. Kids aren’t stupid. Just say what you see, okay? Say what you see.

Lony: What you see.

Mr. Science: Come on. Are you kidding me? Just look at it. The oil went down into the water. Then it went back to the–

Josh: Future?

Mr. Science: No. It floated back–

Josh: To the future part two?

Mr. Science: No. I’m pointing to it. Where is it? And do not say back to the future part three. The oil went back–

Lony: To the future part three?

Mr. Science: [yelling] To the top. [Mr. Science throws the glass away angrily] The top. I wish it would explode so I get you– you guys– explode your faces until you work it out with me. [calmly] Okay, we’re gonna take a short break so I can calm down, and we’ll be right back.

Josh: To the future.

[Mr. Science punches Josh down]

Beers

Josh… Beck Bennett

Mario… Kyle Mooney

CJ… Larry David

[Starts with Josh playing a clarinet in home] [Mario walks in]

Mario: What is that sound? And who do I have to pay to make it stop?

Josh: I’m practicing my clarinet for when my cousin CJ gets here.

Mario: Oh, yeah. Think he’ll be able to take care of our fish when we go on our bike ride tomorrow?

Josh: I hope so. CJ loves fish.

Mario: Great! In the mean time, do you mind taking that thing outside? [pointing at Josh’s clarinet]

Josh: Hey! Hey!

[Cut to Josh and Mario in the kitchen. CJ walks in.]

Josh: My cousin, CJ.

CJ: Josh and Mario. Here I am. Let’s celebrate. Got any beers?

[Mario passes six-packs of beers to CJ]

Perfect! One for you. [CJ passes one can to Mario] And five for me. [CJ keeps five for himself]

Josh: Cousin CJ, can we ask you something?

CJ: Why not? I am your cousin CJ after all.

Mario: What we were wondering is will you watch our fish while we ride bikes tomorrow?

CJ: I can’t believe you’d ask me that. Of course I will.

[Josh, Mario and CJ high-five each other] [Cut to CJ drinking beer alone at night. Mario walks in to the fridge.]

CJ: Let me guess. Snack time for Mario?

Mario: [gets scared] Ah! CJ, I didn’t know you were there.

CJ: Sorry about that. We need more beer.

Mario: What about feeding the fish tomorrow?

CJ: Who cares? Beer is all that matters to me.

Mario: We’re all out, CJ. And that’s that.

[CJ throws the chair to the fridge and breaks it.] [Cut to Mario getting ready for bike ride. CJ walks in drinking beer.]

CJ: Oh, good morning, Mario. Sleep well?

Mario: No, I didn’t and I think you know why.

CJ: Who cares?

[CJ picks up a stool and breaks it again.] [Josh walks in]

Josh: Hey, what’s going on in here?

CJ: Me and Mario were just goofing around. Right Mario?

Mario: Yeah. Just goofing around. Hey, Josh, can we talk in private?

Josh: Sure.

[Josh and Mario take a step back.]

Mario: Your cousin CJ, he has been drinking a lot and throwing chairs at me.

Josh: Oh, relax, Mario. He’s just having fun. It’s very exciting time for cousin CJ. [Cut to CJ eavesdropping] He just got to town.

Mario: Listen, I didn’t want to say this but I’m gonna tell you. I think he’s addicted.

Josh: CJ?

[Josh turns and looks at CJ drinking]

Mario: Alright, let’s go on our bike ride.

[Cut to CJ playing guitar alone in the house. He sees the fish bowl.]

CJ: Wait, what was I supposed to do today? Oh, yeah. Have a blast.

[as CJ is playing guitar running around, he breaks the fish bowl.] [Cut to Josh and Mario peeking from the outside] [Josh and Mario walk in]

CJ: Hey, feeding the fish went great!

Mario: You’re lying. You killed the fish. You used to be my hero.

CJ: Leave me alone loser. [CJ pulls out a knife and stabs Mario. Mario is bleeding.] Oh, no! I stabbed Mario. Why would I do this?

Josh: Because you’re addicted. Admit it.

CJ: You’re right. I admit it. I need help.

Mario: Great! Let’s drink!

Bank Breakers

Barry… Mikey Day

Paul… Kumail Nanjiani

Gretchen… Cecily Strong

Josh… Alex Moffatt

Pat… Pete Davidson

Robber… Beck Bennett

[Starts with “Bank Brekers” intro]

Male voice: It’s “Bank Breakers.” With your host, Barry Fielder.

[Cut to Barry.]

Barry: Welcome to Bank Breakers where greed isn’t good, it’s great. Let’s say hello to our contestands, Paul and Gretchen.

[Cut to Paul and Gretchen. There are money bags before both contestant’s tables.] [Cut to Barry]

The game is simple. Steal each other’s money to win big. So let’s start it off as we always do with a quick cash grabber question. This West Coast city is known as the city by the bay. [beep] Paul?

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: San Francisco, baby! [right answer bell]

Barry: Correct! Steal one of Gretchen’s money bags.

[Paul takes a money bag from Gretchen’s table]

Paul: Oh, feels good to take your money. You’re going down, lady. Whoo!

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. That self high-five from Paul there who is one step closer to our grand prize of $50,000. What would you do with all that moola, Paul?

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Oh, man! I need a wardrobe refresh. So, I’m buying a bunch of dope jackets and jeans. Jackets and jeans. Whoo! Jackets and jeans.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Jackets and jeans. Nice, buddy. How would you spend that cash, Gretchen?

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: On a medical procedure for my ten year old daughter, Willow, to restore her hearing. [Paul leans in the screen and is showing his thumbs down to Gretchen. Gretchen has cracking emotional voice] She has 90% hearing loss in both ears. [Paul slowly rotates his hand to make it thumbs up] Sorry.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Wow. That’s a very worthy cause. Good luck, Gretchen.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Barry, I should mention that I will be donating some of my jackets and jeans to the charity, cars for kids.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Pretty sure they want cars, but hey, you do you, man. Paul, you’re up first. Pick a category.

[Cut to game screen. There are nine categories.]

Paul: Um, let’s go with Wiz Kid.

Barry: Alright. This category is about that famous boy wizard, Harry Potter. [Cut to Barry] Paul, you can play or pass to Gretchen.

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: Well, you know, I feel a little bad about the way I celebrated when I took your bag of money. So I’ll pass to Gretchen. Give her a shot.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright, Gretchen. How are you feeling? Are you a potter head?

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: No. NO. When Harry Potter got big, I was serving four tours of duty in Iraq and I just kind of missed it.

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: She’s a veteran?

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: She is. And Gretchen, thank you for your service. So, it’s the military veteran versus the– I’m sorry. What do you do, Paul?

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: I do online advertising for Marlboro cigarettes.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Versus Paul. [Cut to split screen with Paul and Gretchen] First question, Gretchen. Name the author of the Harry Potter series.

Gretchen: Oh, boy.

Paul: Oh, come on. You know this.

Gretchen: Um, J– I’ve heard his name before.

Paul: Her. Her name.

Gretchen: Jake Rowling.

[wrong answer sound] [Cut to Barry]

Barry: Oh, no. It’s J.K. Rowling. Big tobacco gets the steal.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Please don’t call me that. [Cut to Paul and Gretchen. Paul takes another money bag from Gretchen.] I am so sorry. Thank you for your service.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Before we continue, Gretchen, I understand your family is here today.

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: Yes. Two of them are. My beautiful daughter, Willow and my handsome husband, Josh.

[Cut to Willow and Josh in the audience]

Josh: We’re proud of you, mommy! Even if you don’t win, we’ll find a way fo pay for Willow’s surgery and we are going to find a way to replace everything those Bulgars stole from us.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Their house got robbed?

Barry: Yeah. Sure did. And who is cheering you on today, Paul?

[Cut to Paul. He has very sad face.]

Paul: My roommate, Pat.

[Cut to Pat. He is wearing t-shirt with ‘Loser’ written on it and an arrow pointing at Gretchen’s daughter.]

Pete: I’m sorry about this shirt. I didn’t know I would be next to a little girl. Paul told me it would be funny.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: I didn’t know about all their stuff. I’m so sorry. You know, it’s difficult for an immigrant like me to navigate this country’s culture. I grew up in Pakistan. Life there is very hard.

[Cut to the contestants]

Gretchen: Yeah, yeah. It is. I spent two years stationed in Karachi. How old were you when you came to the US?

Paul: 14… weeks old.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Wow. So, Gretchen spent more time in Pakistan than you did. That’s crazy. Um, Paul, pick a category, bud.

[Cut to the game screen.]

Paul: Let’s go with Pickers and Pluckers.

Barry: Alright. Oh-oh! You found the Bank Breaker! Paul, answer this question right and you take all of Gretchen’s money. But get it wrong, she takes all of your’s. Questions in this category, Paul, are about country music.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Oh! Okay, I don’t know anything about country music. I’ll play, Barry.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. Darius Rucker scored a hit with this 2011 song about a break up.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: [happily laughing] Oh! I got nothing. I don’t listen to country–

Barry: [interrupting] That is correct. “I got nothing” is the title of that song. Way to get Gretchen’s hopes up, buddy. Man, you are brutal.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: No, no, no. I was trying to lose. I swear it.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. Let’s get Robby the robber out here to help Paul steal Gretchen’s cash.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: No. No. Please don’t bring out the robber guy. Please don’t do this.

[Cut to all]

Robber: Sorry, Gretchen. Looks like this money is for jackets and jeans. Not for surgeries. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Whoo! Paul takes a huge lead and he’s headed into round two with all of Gretchen’s cash.

[Cut to Paul,Gretchen and robber]

Paul: I don’t want this.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Bank Breakers will be right back.

The Hunch Bunch

Josh… Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Fenster Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Ted… Beck Bennett

Becca Ashley… Margot Robbie

[Starts with the Hunch Bunch intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Nick@Nite, now back to a classic episode of the Hunch Bunch.

[The characters get into a room. It looks like a haunted house.]

Josh: Okay, the coast is clear.

Aidy: Ew, cobwebs. I hate spiders.

Fenster: You’re worried about the cobwebs? Did you forget about the monster?

Cecily: Stop chitchatting and look for clues, you two.

Ted: Just once, I’d like to solve a mystery in a place that isn’t spooky.

Josh: We can do it Hunch Bunch. We just have to use our heads.

Becca Ashley: Can I just say? This is so much fun. I have been bugging Ted for doing mystery for weeks.

Cecily: No problem, Becca Ashley. We’re gonna need all the help we can get.

Fenster: Well, like, no clue’s here. We can go now. Who’s hungry?

[Fenster walks away]

Aidy: You’re such a fraidy cat, Fenster.

[Everyone laughs]

Becca Ashley: Yeah, you lame ass pussy.

Ted: Babe, don’t say that!

Becca Ashley: What? I was just joining in teasing.

Ted: Yeah, but like, you don’t know these guys that well yet. You know, just pump the brakes.

Josh: Well, lookie here. If there’s a real monster hunting this castle, [Josh finds a monster mask] then what’s this?

Becca Ashley: Oh! The monster’s face.

Josh: Well, sort of Becca Ashley. It’s a mask. Which means…

Becca Ashley: The monster made a mask of his own face.

Josh: Good guess but I have a hunch there is no monster.

Cecily: So that means the monster…

Everybody: Is ground’s keeper Cogin.

Becca Ashley: [not following] Mask of his own face!

Ted: Babe!

Aidy: It all adds up. Grounds keeper Cogin just wants the castle all to himself.

Ted: And what better way to scare off visitors then dressing up as a spooky monster.

Fenster: But wait. If grounds keeper Cogin’s the monster, like, how did he get from here to the dining room so fast?

Josh: There must be some sort–

Becca Ashley: [interrupting] He had a bike.

Aidy: Ted, can you…

Ted: Yeah. Babe, let’s just listen for a while, okay? You know, it’s actually super interesting how it all gets solved.

Josh: I know how grounds keeper Cogin got across the house so fast. He had some sort of…

[Josh pulls a book off the shelf and it opens a secret path.]

… shortcut.

Becca Ashley: What? Josh broke the bookshelf. What an idiot!

Josh: Ha-ha. I didn’t break the bookshelf. That’s a secret passage way.

Becca Ashley: Why?

Josh: What do you mean why? Because that’s what it is. It’s simply a secret passage way. Look, Becca Ashley, I want to include you because I like Ted and you’re very positive, but please, stop challenging everything say.

Becca Ashley: Yeah, but you broke it.

Josh: Okay.

[footsteps sound]

Fenster: Shh, like I hear someone coming.

Becca Ashley: Ew, who would have sex in this filthy old castle?

Josh: What? Ew, no. No!

Fenster: Like, everyone, hide!

[everyone hides] [Grounds Keeper Cogin walks in]

Cogin: Now, where did I leave my mask?

[Becca Ashley stand and shoots at Grounds Keeper Cogin three times at his back.]

Josh: No!

Ted: Babe, what the hell is wrong with you?

Cecily: You brought a gun?

Aidy: You shot grounds keeper Cogin.

Becca Ashley: No, because he’s the monster.

Josh: I don’t even think he technically broke any laws.

Fenster: We have to help him. He’s still alive.

Becca Ashley: No way! I’m not going back to jail.

[Becca Ashley cocks the gun]

Everybody: No.

[Cut to video bumper]

Announcer: The Hunch Bunch [gun shot sound] will be right back.

Bad Girls

Stacey… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Gretchen… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Venessa Bayer

Josh… Beck Bennett

[Starts a Bad Girls band’s music video with girls posing in a car]

Stacey: Life is short. And we only get one chance to live it. So we do whatever the hell we want, whenever the hell we want. Because we’re bad girls and we do it well.

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Shorty’s fast food. Cecily is approaching the counter.]

Kenan: Hey, what can I get for you?

Cecily: Um, can I just do a turkey and avocado sandwich?

Kenan: Sure. You want a drink with that?

Cecily: No, no, no. That’s okay. But you know what? Actually, can I just do like a free cup for water…

[Cut to Cecily at the soda station looking around]

… that I’ma fill with lemonade.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to an elevator. Few people are getting in.]

Kyle: Hey, what floor guys?

Pete: Um, 62 please.

Jon: 66 for me please.

Kyle: For you?

Gretchen: 2.0

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer trying to get in the fine dining restaurant]

Taran: Um, we only receive full parties. Are all four of your members here?

Leslie: Oh, yeah. She’s just in the bathroom.

Taran: Fantastic. Right this way.

Leslie: The bathroom at her house.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Bobby with the trolley at the grocery store. Venessa comes with few items to put in the trolley]

Venessa: Okay, I think I got everything. Milk, broccoli and ice-cream.

Bobby: Oh! We already got an ice-cream.

Venessa: Oh, okay. I’ll just put it back… right here… by the bread.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer at the restaurant]

Sasheer: God, our waitress was terrible.

Leslie: Yeah, such a bad service.

Stacey: Well, it’s time to leave the tip. Think what I’m gonna do. Let’s still tip 20% because being server is hard and you don’t know what’s going on her day today.

Sasheer: Yeah.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Josh doing the dishes]

Josh: Dishes are all done babe. Can you just take out the trash? I think it’s full.

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: Um, sure.

[Gretchen looks at the bin. The bin looks full. She just kick-pushes the trash in to squeeze in making space available in the bin.]

Actually, it’s not full.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls —

[Cut to Stacey at the restroom using the toilet. She’s out of toilet-tissues.]

Stacey: Shoot!

[Stacey looks at the socks she’s wearing, opens it and used it as a tissue] [Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[The girls are shooting guns at the sky]

Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Josh walks in]

Josh: Hey! Hey! Hey! Gretchen!

Gretchen: Hi baby.

Josh: What are you dong? I told you to take out the trash and now you’re out here shooting guns with like, 50 women?

Gretchen: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Girls, I gotta go. But, Bad Girls for life, right?

[Gretchen hugs goodbye to her girls and runs to Josh]

Bye girls. Bye, bye, bye.

Stacey: [Smiling at Josh] Hi, Josh.

Josh: Hi, Stacey.

Stacey: We’re Bad Girls.

[The End]

The Science Room

Zackry Adams… Adan Driver

Lany… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

[Starts with TV program schedule]

Female voice: The PBS learning afternoon. At 3:30, it’s Grammar Train. Followed at 4 by Phonics Bus. But up next, it’s The Science Room.

[Cut to Zackry Adams holding a dummy human skeleton.]

Zackry Adams: Well, this guy’s bad to the bone. Ha-ha. I’m professor Zackry Adams and welcome to Science Room.

[Cut to Science Room video bumper] [Cut to Zackry Adams with Lany and Josh]

Zackry Adams: First, let’s say Hi-pothesis. Ha-ha-ha. To our junior volunteers. Lany and Josh.

Josh: Hi.

Lany: Hi.

Zackry Adams: Guys, you excited to learn about science?

Josh: Ya, kinda nervous.

Lany: My hears like…

Zackry Adams: Okay. We’ll just take a few calming breaths. Ay, speaking of breathing, today’s topic is air.

Josh: Yes!

Lany: I love air so much.

Zackry Adams: Air is mostly made up of an element. Do you guys know what’s it called?

Lany: Air?

Zackry Adams: Nope. But it starts with an O. Josh?

Josh: Um. oil?

Zackry Adams: Okay, here’s a hint. Oxy…

Lany: Cotton?

Zackry Adams: It’s oxygen. Oxygen is the answer.

Josh: I knew it.

Lany: I was gonna say that.

Zackry Adams: I don’t think you were. Say, do you guys like balloons?

Lany and Josh: Do you guys like balloons?

Zackry Adams: No, I didn’t mean say what I said. Just give me the balloon. [someone hands him a balloon] Now, why does this balloon float?

[the balloons flies away]

Josh: Um, from the string?

Zackry Adams: No, what? It’s from helium. And it works like this. Imagine you’re in a pool.

Josh: Marco.

Lany: Pull off!

Zackry Adams: Guys! Guys! Forget about the pool. No more pool. Let’s just do the experiment. And for those of you doing the experiment along with us at home, make sure a parent or guardian is present because what comes first in the science room?

Lany: Um, the guy?

Zackry Adams: The guy?

Lany: Ya, my older sister said the guy like, always comes first. I don’t know.

Zackry Adams: Oh, my god! No! No! That’s not what that means. The guy does not come first here.

Josh: The girl comes first?

Lany: No, my sister says the girl never comes.

Zackry Adams: It’s safety! Safety comes first. That was an awful conversation we just had. Now, for today’s experiment, we’ll need a balloon. Josh, why don’t you blow one up. [Josh starts blowing a balloon] We also need a sewing needle and some scotch tape.

[Josh falls down and the balloon flies off]

Oh, my god! Josh. He passed out? Are you alright?

Josh: Yeah. What?

Zackry Adams: Alright, can we get another balloon?

[someone passes Zackry Adams a balloon]

Okay, guys, back. Now, look at this balloon. Now, we’re gonna put a piece of scotch tape on it and see what happens if I put something sharp through the scotch tape when I– [Lany and Josh are pulling the scotch tape] Okay, stop messing with this. Put this down. What will happen if I put a needle through the scotch tape through the balloon?

Josh: It will get vaccinated.

Zackry Adams: What? What would normally happen if I stick a needle through the balloon?

Lany: It will scream.

Zackry Adams: Look you stupid, stupid kids. What do balloons do?

Josh: Um, provide a sense of atmosphere?

Zackry Adams: If I stick a needle through an f-ing balloon, it will… what?

Josh: Come first?

[Zackry Adams pokes the balloon with the needle and throws the tape away in rage.]

Zackry Adams: If punctured, balloons will… Starts with a P, ends with a bop.

Lany: It will Bop.

Josh: Yeah, bop.

Zackry Adams: Alright! Go to that video with ducks flying coz I’m about to scream the C word into my shirt in the three, two, one…

[Cut to Science Room video bumper] [The End]