Potato Hole

Willie T. Hawkins… Dave Chappelle

Deborah… Heidi Gardner

Josh… Andrew Dismukes

Gail… Chloe Fineman

Skip Dudley… Michael Longfellow

[starts with show intro] [Cut to show set]

Heidi: Welcome back ‘PM In the Afternoon’. Coming up later, chef Cindy is going to show us how to make the perfect turducken.

Andrew: Oh, and once again we are honored to be joined by legendary blues musician Willie T. Hawkins. He’s been sitting in all morning playing some tasty licks off his new album “My potato hole”. Interesting title.

Heidi: I’m sorry, Willie T., I almost don’t want to ask, but what on earth is a potato hole?

Kenan: Don’t worry about it.

Andrew: Well, no, I’m curious. What is it? Do I have a potato hole? Can I touch my wife’s potato hole?

Heidi: Can we even say potato hole on TV? What is a potato hole?

Kenan: I’d rather not say.

Heidi: Hey, Willie T., a closed book. Okay, let’s turn it over to Gail with the weather. How’s our weekend looking?

Chloe: Well, we’ve got some storm clouds moving in. So if you’re going out you’re gonna want to bring an umbrella, especially if you don’t want to get rained inside your potato hole. I’m sorry, it’s just so fun to say potato hole. Potato hole. Potato hole.

Andrew: Okay. If you’re just joining us, folks, we are absolutely tickled by Willie T. Hawkin’s new album ‘My potato hole”. Hey, speaking of tickled what would happen if I took on my wife’s potato hole?

Heidi: Josh, your mind?

Andrew: I know.

Heidi: I wouldn’t want to be in there for five seconds.

Andrew: But could you be in a potato hole for five seconds? I mean, what is it?

Heidi: The internal question what is a potato hole? The world may never know. Now let’s toss things over to Skip Dudley with sports.

Michael: Thanks Deborah. The PGA Tour is in full swing, pun, with Rory McIlroy sinking an unbelievable hole in one. And know, it got me thinking, could you hit a potato hole in one?

Andrew: Skip, you goo.

Heidi: I knew it was going there.

Michael: Potato hole.

Andrew: All right, now, before we go to break, Willie T., you gotta tell us. We got to know what is a Potato Potato?

Heidi: What’s a potato hole?

Andrew: Spill the tea.

Heidi: What’s the potato hole?

Andrew: For the love of God, man, tell us what about potato hole is.

Kenan: A potato holes a hole that slaves would dig to hide their food possessions from plantation owners. The little these slaves had, they would  in their potato hole. Even though they knew that if their masters found these potato holes, they’d be whipped, beaten, torn limb from limb. Potato was their last vestige of humanity. And over time, it came to symbolize resilience. Black Life in the face of white oppression. That’s what a potato hole is, bitch.

Andrew: Uh-huh. I did not see that as what it could be. Could have told us sooner. But yes, no, I think we are all sorry.

Heidi: Willie T., want to play us out with a tasty lick?

Kenan: I do not.

Heidi: Didn’t think you would. We’ll be right back.

House of the Dragon

Silky/ARhaenan… Dave Chappelle

Rhaenyra … Chloe Fineman

Daemon… Michael Longfellow

Guard… Mikey Day

Corlys Velaryon… Kenan Thompson

Baela… Punkie Johnson

Rhaena… Ego Nwodim

King… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Dave Chappelle on SNL stage]

Dave Chappelle: Anyone out here watching this new show ‘House of Dragons’? I am the biggest Game of Thrones fan. I love the new show. And I gotta tell yo,u I love that they’re including black characters. But to be honest, the black characters— They take me out of it a little bit with the— It’s that blonde hair and the old time accents. It’s a little jarring. Like, where are these people from? You know what I mean? And then they’re coming out with season two, I guess soon. And somehow Lorn Daemons arranged a sneak peek of season two of House of Dragons exclusive. so check it out.

[cheers and applause] [cut to sneak peek of season two of House of Dragons]

Rhaenyra: Before we go to war with King’s Landing, we must know who our true allies are.

Daemon: These represent all of our possible alliances, Your Grace.

Rhaenyra: Thank you, Daemon.

Daemon: And I prepared this family tree so we know who the hell everyone is.

Rhaenyra: Yes, because our names are insane and sound identical.

Daemon: I’ve also prepared a chart of who’s having sex with whom. And weirdly enough, it’s the same as a family tree.

Guard: You are the visitor Your Grace. Lord of the tides, the sea snake himself, Corlys Velaryon.

Rhaenyra: Lord Corlys, this is a most welcome surprise. Where have you come from?

Corlys: The Matrix. Just kidding.

Daemon: You must have been at sea a long time then.

Corlys: Oh, of course. This is where my people are most comfortable. The ocean. Yeah, we especially love being on ships. Never have any concerns with ships or what might happen to us on ships.

Rhaenyra: Have you come alone?

Corlys: Oh no, no, I brought my granddaughters Baela and Rhaena.

Baela: Greetings, Your Grace.

Rhaena: So happy to have traveled 40 days by ship in this ballgown, Your Grace.

Daemon: It’s wonderful to see you. Since you are betrothed to my nephews/stepsons, Jason and Luke.

Baela: Yeah, I look at my future husband and I think he is definitely going to satisfy me sexually.

Rhaenyra: And to what do we owe the honor of your visit lord Corlys?

Corlys: Yeah, well, you know, I know that you are in need of allies now that your father has died.

King: Died? [he’s walking as his face is bleeding]

Corlys: Oh my god, man, what has happening with your face?

King: The doctor says it’s nothing. Just a little cough and my skin melted and my eye fell.

Corlys: Well, I found you some new allies from even further away lands that have come to pay their respects to the true queen.

Dave: [walking in] Well, well, well. Good to see you, Your Grace. Cousin Daemon, well, haven’t ever seen in long time. How does it feel to have sex with your niece? Yuck.

Dave’s wife: This whole family is like the sun took a look and said, “No, thank you.”

Dave: Your Majesty looks like you got a case of the monkey pox. You’re gonna die any minute, ain’t you?

King: Yeah, yeah.

Dave: Well, if it isn’t our cousin, light-skinned Larry Targaryen.

Larry: [Chuckles] Silky, your hoes are so old, their titties give powdered milk.

Dave: You look like E.T. when they dressed him up for Halloween.

Larry: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! All that was hateful, man.

Dave: Your Jheri curls are getting a little dry.

Dave’s wife: That’s that dragon spray.

Guard: More visitors approach.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Dave: Pardon me, Your Grace, but I think your penis just fell off. If you don’t want it anymore, can I keep it? Might be able to get some money for that.

Rhaenyra: Who is this foul man?

Dave: I came here for some dragon rocks. I’m down to my last one.

Guard: What the hell is going on here?

Dave: You mind if I, um, get a light? [He’s asking fire to light his cigarette. He raises his hand holding a cigarette. The dragons comes behind him.] Dracarys. [The dragon breathes the fire and he lights his cigarette]

Rhaenyra: Be gone, all of you.

Corlys: Oh, no, there’s more.

Dave: I’m one of the baddest mother Westeros has ever seen. One of the best singers and one of the best dancers, too. I’m ARhaenan Targaryen, bitch, rider of dragons. I heard you like to ride lizards. Want to ride mine, Your freaking Majesty?

[There are dragons flying in the sky. There are Targarians riding the dragon. They have seats in shape of motorcycles on the dragon’s back.]

Tar: Take me to Flea Bottom so I can check on my hoes.

Dave: What up, Tar? I got a dragon now.

Dave: No, dragon.

[While they’re riding dragons, there’s red siren lights flashing]

Dave: Good God, it’s the police. What are they doing all the way up here? No matter how high I fly, they always find you, don’t they?

Barber Shop Talk

Troy…Dave Chappelle

Phillip… Michael Longfellow

[Starts with people talking in a barber shop]

Kenan: Man, oh, man, I still cannot believe that Kanye messed up all that money.

Troy: How you going to lose $2 billion in a day? It’s like he was using a paper shredder.

Punkie: Mmhmm, ’cause it couldn’t be me.

Ego: I know, right? Then he did all them damn interviews, making things worse and worse.

Troy: You ain’t got to say everything that you’re thinking all the damn time.

Kenan: Exactly, man. He lost me when he put on that White Lives Matter shirt.

Ego: Right, right, or when he said that message about George Floyd.

Phillip: [he’s the only white guy in the barber shop] Exactly. And his comments about Jewish people. I mean, way off the mark.

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Troy: I ain’t gonna lie. I was listening to “College Dropout” earlier today in the car. Still sound good to me.

Devon: Word. It’s going to be hard for me to enjoy listening to Kanye for a while.

Phillip: Same. That’s why I set all my Yeezys on fire. I mean, they’re only sneakers, right?

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Punkie: Yeah. But, um, that Kyrie Irving stuff is a trip, right? I mean, are they going to let him play again, or what?

Ego: I heard they have him like a list of things he’s got to do before they let him back on the team.

Troy: I stopped paying attention to that boy when he said the world was flat.

All: Exactly.

Phillip: Or when he refused to take the vaccine.

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

I mean, I can understand an initial skepticism, but if the president of the United States says it’s safe…

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Ego: I’m still mad that my girl Stacey Abram’s loss.

Punkie: Thank you! Like how did she lose?! I mean, but Herschel Walker, he gets a runoff? I mean, what is going on in Georgia?

Phillip: It’s the Bible Belt, and this country will never progress until we separate God and politics.

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Kenan: Aye, y’all heard your man got robbed last night?

Troy: Yeah. I heard they took a $20,000 chain off his neck, too.

Devon: Damn!

Phillip: Now who would spend that much money on a necklace?

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Troy: Man, you know what I finally watched? That Dahmer thing they had on Netflix.

Phillip: Ohhh! That was so good, right? I mean, not—

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Not good as in he’s good. Just I thought it provided some needed insights on some…

Ego:  I wish they made more showsthat everybody could enjoy.

Troy: Ooh, like “Atlanta.” They’re killing it this season.

Kenan: Yeah, or “Abbott Elementary.”

Phillip: Or “Yellowstone.”

Kenan: Yellow what?

Phillip: “Yellowstone.” It’s like the most streamed show in the world.

Kenan: Oh, is that right?

[Phillip’s watch beeping]

Phillip: Oh! Oh, I guess it’s already 6:05. Well, that’s it for my shift. Um, Troy, thank you, again, for letting me work in your barbershop.

Troy: It’s all good, Phillip. Don’t worry about a thing.

Phillip: Hopefully, tomorrow, I’ll get a customer.

Troy: Yeah, maybe, you know.

Phillip: I hope I didn’t say anything that was too offensive to anybody.

Troy: No! No, no, no. You all good, Phillip, man. Thank you so much and I will see you bright and early.

Phillip: Okay, alright. Uh, alright, well, you guys take care. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Troy: Okay. Bye bye.

Ego: Okay, Phillip.

All: Bye bye.

[Phillip walks out and Troy closes the door]

Troy: He’s the police, ain’t he?

Kenan: Absolutely.

Ego: Oh, for sure.

Punkie: That’s right. I was going to say a cannibal.

Uncle Ben

Alec Baldwin

Aunt Jemima… Maya Rudolph

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Uncle Ben… Kenan Thompson

Allstate guy… Dave Chappelle

Count Chocula… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Dave Chappelle in SNL stage speaking to the viewers]

Dave Chappelle: Hey, everybody. I hope you’re having good time at home watching the show. It has been a long hard time. I know a lot of people have lost their jobs and that this climate has unfortunately made a lot of black people lose their jobs. This next piece is about just that. It’s about two black people who’ve lost their jobs because of this new social climate we’re all trying to figure out. Sadly these two black people may never get those jobs back. Enjoy.

[Cut to a office meeting.]

Alec: I’m sorry. It’s just not working out. We have to let you go.

Aunt Jemima: But I’m aunt Jemima! [audience laughing] Who doesn’t love my pancakes?

Mikey: Everyone loves your pancakes, Aunt Jemima.

Alec: It’s you. You’re the problem.

Aunt Jemima: Me? What did I do?

Alec: It’s not what you did. It’s how you make us feel about what we did.

Aunt Jemima: But you can’t fire me. I’m a slave. That’s the only good thing about your job. The job security.

Alec: We understand that.

Aunt Jemima: No. You don’t understand. [sad music playing] All I ever did was my pancakes. And that’s why Aunt Jemima pancakes are the fluffiest, the butteriest, mouth watering pancakes on the shelves. The secret is I use my own breast milk. [winks]

Alec: Aunt Jemima, this is hard for us too. We love you.

Heidi: And thank you for breast feeding our children.

Aunt Jemima: It’s because I’m a woman. Isn’t it? What about uncle Ben?

Uncle Ben: Oh, dammit woman! Don’t you drag me into this mess.

Aunt Jemima: Look. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.

Alec: Actually, uncle Ben, she’s right.

Heidi: Yes, we have to let you go too for the same reason.

Uncle Ben: But you can’t do this to me. I’m uncle Ben! I got so many nieces and nephews to take care of.

Mikey: You’ll be fine. Just do something else.

Uncle Ben: But all I know is rice. [sad music playing] White rice. Brown rice. Wild rice. Yellow rice. Four cheese. Basmati.

Alec: Look. It’s not personal uncle Ben. It’s just we have to clean house.

Uncle Ben: Come on, now. We know white people don’t clean their own house.

Aunt Jemima: Yeah. You talking slaves.

Uncle Ben: This is ridiculous. If we can’t work, how come the Allstate guy gets to work?

[Allstate guy stands]

Allstate guy: [bold voice] Now wait a cotton picking minute, uncle Ben. Oh, I knew you’d sell me out.

Uncle Ben: It ain’t personal, son. But if we’re getting fire, you should be getting fired too.

Aunt Jemima: Yeah. Fire Allstate guy too.

Allstate guy: Stop calling me Allstate guy. I have a name. It’s ‘Guy from Waiting to Exhale.’

Alec: Well, whatever your name is, you’re getting fired too.

Allstate guy: Man, I’m not even a food product. I sell security. My deep black voice makes white people feel safe. Like they’re in good hands.

Alec: That may be so. But you’re still black. And it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Allstate guy: Well, I’m a real person. There are mere characters. If anything, why don’t you fire Count Chocula. How come he’s still working, huh?

Count Chocula: What? But I’m not even black. I’m made of chocolate.

Allstate guy: Likely story. Let me tell you something. These streets are going to eat you alive, you chocolaty nigga!

Count Chocula: Don’t call me that.

Aunt Jemima: If he’s chocolate, then I’m chocolate too.

Uncle Ben: Yeah. I’m chocolate too.

Alec: I don’t care what you want to call yourselves. You’re all fired.

Count Chocula: No. But I’m actually chocolate. I’m not black at all.

Allstate guy: [banging the table] Riiculous. Another likely story. Look at them big chocolaty lips behind them fangs. Big old fat lips. Seriously, America. Look at Pete Davidson’s lips.

Count Chocula: Okay. Maybe I got some Italian in there somewhere.

Allstate guy: Some Italian? Then we’ll put you on some spaghetti you chocolate bitch.

Alec: Alright. That’s enough. You’re all fired except for Allstate guy.

Allstate guy: Thank you very much.

Uncle Ben: Alright. Fine. We’ll leave, but remember, you made a very big mistake.

Aunt Jemima: Um-hmm.

DC Morning

Lisa Anderson… Ego Nwodim

Howard Gayle… Dave Chappelle

[Starts with DC Morning intro] [Cut to Lisa Anderson and Howard Gayle in their set]

Lisa Anderson: Welcome back to DC Morning. Well, it’s the fourth day after the election and even though it’s been called for Joe Biden, there are still lingering questions. It’s frustrating, isn’t it, Howard?

Howard Gayle: It sure is, Lisa. Even though most experts say it’s over, the president’s still claiming fraud and threatening lawsuits all over the country.

Lisa Anderson: And you can feel the sense of desperation at the white house, can’t you?

Howard Gayle: Absolutely. Just remember, once Trump’s terms ends, he’s suddenly a private citizen with no immunity. And he will have to deal with tax fraud investigations from the southern district of New York and well as defamation lawsuit from a woman who claims that he assaulted her.

Lisa Anderson: Well, I mean we hope to have–

[Breaking News sound]

Howard Gayle: Oh, Lisa, I’m sorry to interrupt but there’s some breaking news. It seems the president suddenly left the White House and he’s on the highway. Let’s go to that footage right now live.

[Cut to a video clip of a car driving on a highway]

There’s the president leaving in what appears to be a white Ford Bronco.

Lisa Anderson: President Trump is in there?

Howard Gayle: It appears so. I’m told he’s crouching down in the backseat and Don Jr. is at the wheel. Oh no. Look at this. Looks like there’s at least a dozen police cars following close behind the president right now.

Lisa Anderson: Why don’t they just pull him over?

Howard Gayle: This is a volatile situation. If they spook the president, he could unleash an army of proud boys in flag waving trucks. He’s like Aquaman but instead of fish, he can summon the entire parking lot of a Cracker Barrel.

Lisa Anderson: I’m sorry to interrupt, Howard, but I’ve been told there was nineoneone call placed moments ago from inside the car. Let’s listen to that call.

Police officer: nineoneone, what are you reporting?

Don Jr.: This is Don Jr., I have the president in the car.

Donald Trump: Oh, give me the hamburger.

Police officer: Is everyone alright, sir? You sound frantic. Are you under the influence?

Don Jr.: This is not about me, okay? Right now, we’re okay. But you gotta tell the police to just back off. Tell them to stand down or dad officially starts the campaign for Howard Gayle0Howard Gayle4. My father has the announcement tweet ready to go, he just has to push one button.

Police officer: Alright sir. And what’s your name?

Don Jr.: This is Don. You know who the hell this is, goddammit!

[Cut back to Lisa Anderson and Howard Gayle]

Lisa Anderson: Wow. Wow. This has really taken a desperate turn for the president.

Howard Gayle: It sure has. It’s sad. And he hate to see it. For more than that. You’ll love to see it.

Lisa Anderson: When we come back, Melania Trump announces her plans to get her groove back.

Walking Dead Chappelle’s Show

Dave Chappelle

Negan

Tyrone Biggums

Andy Johnston

Donnell Rawlings

Chuck Taylor

Lil’ Jon

Clayton Bigsby

[Starts with Dave Chappelle in the SNL stage]

Dave Chappelle: You know, gang, all week long people have been asking me if I was going to do any characters from Chappelle show tonight. And at first, I wasn’t going to. And then, I saw that episode of Walking Dead where they smash this guy Glenn on head and killed him… I know, it was devastating, coz I love that show and Glenn was one of my favorite characters. So, I was like, frust. So, in that spirit and with that in mind, I hope you enjoy this.

[Cut to Walking Dead video bumper] [Cut to a man walking and whistling. There are few other men there.]

Negan: I just cannot decide. [He has a baseball bat with throned wire on it] Which one of you is gonna dance with death tonight. [There are few men on their knees before Negan] Wait, I got an idea. Bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish, how many pieces do you wish?

[Cut to Tyrone Biggums scratching his neck]

Tyrone Biggums: Bubblegum? I’d like two please. My mouth feels dry

Negan: Oh, he’s a feisty one. I like that.

Tyrone Biggums: Well, with all due respect, Mr. Negan, in my line of work, when you’re on your knees, they won’t give you bubblegum. They give you penis.

Negan: Shut up!

Andy Johnston: A nigga named Negan. I think you look more like a Stephane. Your face looks like Nigro league.

Donnell Rawlings: [laughing] Stop it, you’re killing him.

Andy Johnston: Them some ugly ass boots you got on there. As the white boys say on the internet, what… are those?

Negan: Something funny to you, Drippy? Dry and brittle jerry curl. Disgrace! [looks at another man] Look at this pasty bastard.

Chuck Taylor: Oh god, no. [starts crying]

Andy Johnston: God! Have some god damn respect for yourself.

Negan: Man the fuck up.

Chuck Taylor: What do you want? Money? Sex? Sex, isn’t it?

Tyrone Biggums: I’ll try some sex.

Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.

Lil’ Jon: What?

Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.

Lil’ Jon: What?

Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.

Lil’ Jon: Okay.

Chuck Taylor: Come on, man! All lives matter. All of us, right?

Andy Johnston: No, black lives don’t.

Lil’ Jon: Kill us for what?

Negan: Well, well, well.

Clayton Bigsby: I know that smell in a way. Frustration and cocoa butter. Looks like we got us a negro monsters. Put that down, monkey!

Negan: Monkey? Don’t you realize you’re black?

Clayton Bigsby: Yeah. For what I hear, this hat will say otherwise. [wears Trump’s ‘make America Great Again’ red hat] Trump’s America now, boy.

Chuck Taylor: [whispering] It sure is.

Negan: Well, I stand corrected. Seems like a lot of you still got some fight in you. It’s good. I like that. Makes it more fun. You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry–

Lil’ Jon: Hah?

Negan: Yeah. A lot of you will be doing some of that.

Tyrone Biggums: Nice.

[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head off his body.] [Tyrone Biggums’s head falls down on a rock. He’s still looking at Negan.]

Hey, Negan, which one of us are you going to hit? The suspense is killing me.

Negan: Taking it like a champ.

[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head with the bat, but his head rolls away.]

Tyrone Biggums: Strike one.

Lil’ Jon: Yeah.

[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head with the bat again, but his head rolls away.]

Tyrone Biggums: Strike two. Gotta be faster. Body! Help me out!

[Tyrone Biggums’s body runs and picks his head up.]

Andy Johnston: Note to self, remind me to try crack.

Tyrone Biggums: As long as we as a nation begin to heal, through laughing together. [everything disappears and we can only see his head on blue background.] For even though our country seems irrevocably severed like a man from his head, let my example prove that we should continue to move forward. Let us see ourselves in one another. For only empathy can conquer hate. I am every man. I am every woman. It’s all in me. Everything you want done baby, I do it naturally.

[Cut back to Tyrone Biggums’s body holding his head]

Now let’s break out, y’all. I only got two months until they take away my health care. Body, if you will?

[Tyrone Biggums’s body starts running with his head in his hands.]

Last Call with Dave Chappelle

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Corey Dipships… Dave Chappelle

Sheila Savage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Bartender calling for the last call at the bar booth]

Bartender: Alright drunky McDrunks. Last call. Hook up now or go home and hump your body pillows.

Corey Dipships: Hang on, bartender. Give me one more of those scotch and pepto. I got a case of the squirts but I still want to drink.

Sheila Savage: Make mine a gin and sonic please. That’s gin with a little hamburger in it. What have i got to lose besides another foot? Ha-ha-ha.

Bartender: Oh, brother.

Corey Dipships: [looking at Sheila Savage] Well, well, well. Is this thanksgiving yet? Looks like there’s one little butterball rolling around in the freezer.

Sheila Savage: Why don’t you set me on the counter and let me come to room temp before you stuff my butt full of cornbread, huh?

[Bartender looks pissed off and shows a yellow card]

Bartender: Yellow card.

Sheila Savage: You mind if I plot my slop a little closer?

Corey Dipships: Sure, let me just love my briefcase. By briefcase, I mean zip-loc bag filled with emergency underwear. Bartender, do you have a coat check?

Bartender: Yes, sir. [receiving the zip-loc bag using a tong] I’ll take care of it.

Sheila Savage: You know, I was looking at you because you have that certain still here quality.

Corey Dipships: And I noticed you because the whole back of your shirt is burnt out.

Sheila Savage: Well jokes on you, coz it’s the front. A rival tried to set me on fire and she did it. Hi, I’m Sheila Savage.

Corey Dipships: I feel like I’ve seen you before.

Sheila Savage: Uh-huh. You might recognize me from ABC’s “What would you do?” I was the one that didn’t help the tourist getting mugged. Matter of fact, I joined in. So, what ‘s on your driver’s license?

Corey Dipships: Besides legally blind and organ needer? Well, it’s got the name Corey Dipships, which is weird because I ship dips to Korea.

Sheila Savage: Get out!

Corey Dipships: Yeah.

Sheila Savage: That’s crazy. I’ve been banned from Chinatown.

Corey Dipships: Oh? Something’s happening here.

Bartender: Yeah. It’s called the first sign of the apocalypse.

[a frog falls down in front of Bartender]

Corey Dipships:  You know, when I first saw you, I was like, “F- no!” But now, I’m like, “F-I guess.”

Sheila Savage: You had me at when I remembered there are detectives waiting for me at my apartment. You feeling what I’m feeling?

Corey Dipships: If it’s resignation, then yes.

Sheila Savage: Hey, what’s your sign?

Corey Dipships: Oh, I’m on the cusp. You see, my head poked out on Tuesday, but I keep my feet in till Friday. What’s your sign?

Sheila Savage: Vagitarius.

[Bartender is blowing blow-horns on his both ears.]

Bartender: Good. Now, I can’t hear things.

Sheila Savage: Alright, alright. I can take a hint. Hey, why don’t we go back to your place and 67?

Corey Dipships: 67?

Sheila Savage: that’s me trying to get at your junk while you’re like this. [posing with her arms spread in front.]

Corey Dipships: I would rather go back to my place and do a little 66.

Sheila Savage: Oh yeah? What’s that?

Corey Dipships: That’s you facing away from me and I just work on myself.

Bartender: Look, just seat the deal so I can power wash your stools.

Sheila Savage: Slugger, looks like you just hit a grounder and you’re headed to first base.

Corey Dipships: Well, that’s good because I have a rod and it’s as unpopular as the ball player.

Sheila Savage: Alright. Let me just get my axe body spray on .

[Corey Dipships and dSheila Savage are spraying on themselves] [Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage start kissing] [Bartender is washing his eyes]

Wow, it as de-rotic.

Corey Dipships: Yeah, you gave me a hard-off.

Sheila Savage: Hang on. Hang on. I think these dark times, we need a little grace and a little beauty. Let’s bellagio this sucker. Huh?
Corey Dipships: Let’s do it.

Sheila Savage: Bartender, a little WC please.

[Bartender plays music on the jukebox.] [Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage are spraying water on teach other and kissing.] [Bartender is now sobbing looking at them]

Bartender: Dammit, Anthony! You let her get to you. Well, time to be a good guy with a gun.

[Bartender pulls a gun out shoots at Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage]

Sheila Savage: Hey, we’re making out over here!

Kids Talk Trump

Vanessa Bayer

Dave Chappelle

[Starts with a person talking on TV]

Man: It’s hard to be a parent tonight for a lot of us. You tell your kids, don’t be a bully, don’t be a bigot. They’re afraid of “How do I explain this to my children?”

[Cut to ‘Kids Talk Politics’ intro] [Cut to Vanessa talking with the kids]

Vanessa: So, we just had a big election for president. Did you parents vote?

Kids: Yes!

Vanessa: Great. So, the candidates were Hillary Clinton against Donald Trump. Have you guys heard of Donald Trump?

Kids: Yes.

Vanessa: What have you heard about him?

Boy: He’s funny but he’s kind of a bully.

Girl: He like always talks about how great he is

Boy: He’s got like weird fake hair.

Vanessa: He does, right? How about you? What do you think about Donald Trump?

Black Girl: He unleashed racism and xenophobia. We now must return to the dark ages of white presidents. Also, my dad said that Donald Trump will stop and frisk my cat.

Vanessa: What?

Black Girl: We have a black cat. His name is pussy.

[Dave walks in]

Dave Chappelle: Hey, sweetie.

Black Girl: Dad!

Dave Chappelle: Sounds like somebody’s driving some truth. Let’s get your stuff. We’ve got to get pussy from the vet. Bye kids.

Kids: Bye!

Vanessa: [to other kids] Pussy is their cat.

Kids: We know.

Jheri’s Place

Leslie Jones

Dante… Dave Chappelle

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Benjamin… Mikey Day

Inspector… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Leslie briefing the staff]

Leslie: Listen up, Jheri’s Place staff. The health inspector is coming today and I need this place to be clean, understand? Because lately we’ve had a lot of complaints about hair in the food and that cannot happen.

[Dante, Kenan and Aidy have long curly hair and they are spraying on it]

Dante: Oh, don’t even look at me Donnie. You know whose fault that is.

Kenan: Yeah, all signs pointing to Benjamin.

Aidy: What the hell, Benjamin?

[Benjamin is looking at them confused. He has very short and well cut hair.]

Benjamin: What? Me?

Leslie: Let’s not point fingers.

Benjamin: I think it was Dante.

Dante: Excuse you. The only thing I’m doing is standing here looking so god damn beautiful.

Leslie: Oh, the health inspector is here.

[Inspector walks in and he finds a bundle of hair.]

Inspector: [bad accent] Oh, oh. We are not off to a great start.

Leslie: Benjamin!

[Cut to Inside SNL video bumper] [Cut to Beck reporting the incident]

Beck Bennett: And that about does it for the Jheri’s place sketch here at Studio 8H. In a word, ‘ouch.’ A very thin premise beset by technical slip-ups and performance issues. Let’s now go live to the post-sketch conference and we start with a statement from Dave Chappelle.

[Cut to the post-sketch press conference like that of boxing or MMA fights.]

Dave Chappelle: Um, hello. That was a tough one. But, you know, we’re going to keep out heads down and just look forward, keep moving on to the next sketch.

Alex: So, Dave, what do you think went wrong out there tonight?

Dave Chappelle: Well,  for starters, it was the wigs, man. I think we relied on the wigs too much, you know. You got to realize a wig can’t carry in a tight sketch. I knew that, and I take responsibility for that.

Bobby: Okay, well, speaking of mistakes, Leslie, can you tell us what happened with your late line there?

Leslie Jones: I didn’t mess up.

Bobby: Okay, well, let’s take a look at the replay.

[Cut to the replay where Leslie gets confused with her dialog in the middle] [Cut back to the conference]

Yeah, it really seems like you were having trouble with the cue cards there.

Leslie Jones: Alright, look. ‘SNL’ knew what they was getting into when they hired me, okay? You know what I’m saying? You’re talking cue cards right now? Really? We’re talking about cards? That’s not the sketch. You talking about cards? Man! Next question.

Alex: Kyle, you took a big swing with the accent right there. Tell me, what was going through your head?

Kyle Mooney: Um, I guess I just didn’t have it today.

Alex: Well, do you think you will find it for the remainder of the show?

Kyle Mooney: [bad accent] I don’t know, you– Nope! I don’t think so.

Bobby: Aidy, you were quoted earlier in the week as saying this sketch was a heater and was going to break the internet. Do you think either of those things came to pass?

Aidy Bryant: [staring at Bobby] Next question.

Alex: Dave, you’re a comedy legend, why this sketch?

Dave Chappelle:  Man, the wig was funny, alright? I put it on, I really thought I was going to be the next David S. Pumpkins. Clearly I was wrong.

Mikey Day: Any questions for me? Mikey Day?

Bobby: No. Kenan, I have to ask, with all your experience on the show, could you have done anything to save this?

Kenan Thompson: Yo, I ain’t got time for this. I been on this show for 62 years. And you going to dwell on this? Come on, man! I got to go get ready for my Puerto Rican Peter Pan sketch. Yeah, yeah. You laughing New York, y’all can kiss my ass.

[All the cast members leave]

Male voice: We’ll be back with more SNL.

[The End]

Football Party

Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Brandon… Dave Chappelle

Andrew… Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

Mom… Leslie Jones

Andrea… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with guys having a football party]

Kenan: Oh, damn! That was holding.

Pete: Yeah, call it back!

Brandon: Hell, no. That’s a touchdown, baby. Let’s go for two.

Andrew: Alright. Now we got a game on our hands.

Brandon: Yeah. You want some beers?

Andrew: Yeah, I’d do one.

Brandon: Alright. Hey, mama!

Andrew: Oh, does your mom live with you?

Brandon: No. I kind of live with her.

Pete: Ha-ha. What?

Kenan: She wash your drawers for you too?

[Brandon laughing sarcastically]

Brandon: No. I do that for myself.

Kyle: Guys, go easy. Sounds kind of nice.

[Mom walks in with some beers]

Mom: Hey, you boys. Brewskis!

Andrew: Alright, I guess I can see how you can get used to this.

Mom: So, you thirsty baby?

Brandon: Oh, hell yeah. I could drink something.

[Mom gets ready with a covering sheet to breastfeed Brandon]

No peeking fellas!

Pete: At what?

[Brandon gets inside the sheet]

Mom: Go ahead baby, get in there. Oh, that Cam Newton is something else!

Brandon: Ummm. What did I miss? Did he go for two?

[Brandon’s friends are shocked]

Kenan: Uh, what just transpired exactly?

Brandon: Um, I was thirsty so I had a drink.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, did you just breast-feed?

Brandon: Jealous? Breastfeeding is healthy for the mom and the baby.

Andrew: You’re 43!

Mom: But you’ll always be my baby.

Pete: Ha-ha. Gross!

Kyle: I don’t know. That’s probably he’s so jacked!

Brandon: Bingo. That’s exactly why I’m so jacked. Got any idea how many vitamins are in the elixir?

Mom: It’s nature’s most perfect food.

Brandon: Plus, it’s free as hell. As a matter of fact, mama, if you would?

[passes a small glass to Mom]

Mom: Yeah, sure.

Brandon: So, y’all been planning thanksgiving? You’re welcome to come here, I don’t know what you’re doing.

Kenan: Ah, I’m good.

Andrew: Yeah.

Kyle: I’ll be around.

[Mom passes the small glass filled with milk to Brandon]

Brandon: Ooh! Still warm. [Brandon takes a shot of that milk] What’s going on in the game?

Kyle: Um, they just recovered the onside kick.

Brandon: Hell yeah! Let’s go.

[microwave beeps.]

Mom: Oh, that will be the snacks, I’ll be right back.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, what’s the story here, man?

Brandon: The story? I’ll tell you the story, Andrew. I have never once had an ear infection. I have zero allergies. No respiratory illnesses or bout diarrhea. is that enough of a story for you?

[Mom walks in with five glasses of milk]

Mom: Alright. Fresh baked cookies and milk!

Pete: Um, I guess I’ll take a cookie.

Kyle: I’ll have some.

[Kyle drinks the milk]

Brandon: Not me guys. I’m gonna go straight to the source, excuse me.

[Brandon starts to breastfeed again]

Mom: Get your muscle milk. Easy Brandon, you getting a little toothy down there.

[Brandon gets out of the cover. He has milk all over his face.]

Brandon: Sorry about that mama.

[Awkward silence between friends]

That’s what I’m talking about. Ah! That’s the game. That’s the game.

[Andrea walks in]

Andrea: Brandon! What are you doing? You’re supposed to take me to work. I’m gonna bel late.

Brandon: Oh, hey guys, this is my sister Andrea.

Andrea: Hi. Now, let’s go.

Mom: No. Not before y’all eat something. Everybody in.

Brandon: Alright.

[Brandon and Andrea get into the cover for breastfeeding]

Brandon: Stop pushing, Andrea! God damn!

[the milk is spraying outside all over Brandon’s friends]

Andrea: You’re wasting it!

Andrew: Alright. Okay. I think it’s time for us to head out.

Kenan: Yeah.

Andrew: Thank you for having us. Alright.

[Kenan, Pete and Andrew head out]

Kyle: I might chill here for a bit if that’s cool.