Walking Dead Chappelle’s Show

Dave Chappelle

Negan

Tyrone Biggums

Andy Johnston

Donnell Rawlings

Chuck Taylor

Lil’ Jon

Clayton Bigsby

[Starts with Dave Chappelle in the SNL stage]

Dave Chappelle: You know, gang, all week long people have been asking me if I was going to do any characters from Chappelle show tonight. And at first, I wasn’t going to. And then, I saw that episode of Walking Dead where they smash this guy Glenn on head and killed him… I know, it was devastating, coz I love that show and Glenn was one of my favorite characters. So, I was like, frust. So, in that spirit and with that in mind, I hope you enjoy this.

[Cut to Walking Dead video bumper] [Cut to a man walking and whistling. There are few other men there.]

Negan: I just cannot decide. [He has a baseball bat with throned wire on it] Which one of you is gonna dance with death tonight. [There are few men on their knees before Negan] Wait, I got an idea. Bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish, how many pieces do you wish?

[Cut to Tyrone Biggums scratching his neck]

Tyrone Biggums: Bubblegum? I’d like two please. My mouth feels dry

Negan: Oh, he’s a feisty one. I like that.

Tyrone Biggums: Well, with all due respect, Mr. Negan, in my line of work, when you’re on your knees, they won’t give you bubblegum. They give you penis.

Negan: Shut up!

Andy Johnston: A nigga named Negan. I think you look more like a Stephane. Your face looks like Nigro league.

Donnell Rawlings: [laughing] Stop it, you’re killing him.

Andy Johnston: Them some ugly ass boots you got on there. As the white boys say on the internet, what… are those?

Negan: Something funny to you, Drippy? Dry and brittle jerry curl. Disgrace! [looks at another man] Look at this pasty bastard.

Chuck Taylor: Oh god, no. [starts crying]

Andy Johnston: God! Have some god damn respect for yourself.

Negan: Man the fuck up.

Chuck Taylor: What do you want? Money? Sex? Sex, isn’t it?

Tyrone Biggums: I’ll try some sex.

Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.

Lil’ Jon: What?

Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.

Lil’ Jon: What?

Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.

Lil’ Jon: Okay.

Chuck Taylor: Come on, man! All lives matter. All of us, right?

Andy Johnston: No, black lives don’t.

Lil’ Jon: Kill us for what?

Negan: Well, well, well.

Clayton Bigsby: I know that smell in a way. Frustration and cocoa butter. Looks like we got us a negro monsters. Put that down, monkey!

Negan: Monkey? Don’t you realize you’re black?

Clayton Bigsby: Yeah. For what I hear, this hat will say otherwise. [wears Trump’s ‘make America Great Again’ red hat] Trump’s America now, boy.

Chuck Taylor: [whispering] It sure is.

Negan: Well, I stand corrected. Seems like a lot of you still got some fight in you. It’s good. I like that. Makes it more fun. You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry–

Lil’ Jon: Hah?

Negan: Yeah. A lot of you will be doing some of that.

Tyrone Biggums: Nice.

[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head off his body.] [Tyrone Biggums’s head falls down on a rock. He’s still looking at Negan.]

Hey, Negan, which one of us are you going to hit? The suspense is killing me.

Negan: Taking it like a champ.

[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head with the bat, but his head rolls away.]

Tyrone Biggums: Strike one.

Lil’ Jon: Yeah.

[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head with the bat again, but his head rolls away.]

Tyrone Biggums: Strike two. Gotta be faster. Body! Help me out!

[Tyrone Biggums’s body runs and picks his head up.]

Andy Johnston: Note to self, remind me to try crack.

Tyrone Biggums: As long as we as a nation begin to heal, through laughing together. [everything disappears and we can only see his head on blue background.] For even though our country seems irrevocably severed like a man from his head, let my example prove that we should continue to move forward. Let us see ourselves in one another. For only empathy can conquer hate. I am every man. I am every woman. It’s all in me. Everything you want done baby, I do it naturally.

[Cut back to Tyrone Biggums’s body holding his head]

Now let’s break out, y’all. I only got two months until they take away my health care. Body, if you will?

[Tyrone Biggums’s body starts running with his head in his hands.]

Last Call with Dave Chappelle

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Corey Dipships… Dave Chappelle

Sheila Savage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Bartender calling for the last call at the bar booth]

Bartender: Alright drunky McDrunks. Last call. Hook up now or go home and hump your body pillows.

Corey Dipships: Hang on, bartender. Give me one more of those scotch and pepto. I got a case of the squirts but I still want to drink.

Sheila Savage: Make mine a gin and sonic please. That’s gin with a little hamburger in it. What have i got to lose besides another foot? Ha-ha-ha.

Bartender: Oh, brother.

Corey Dipships: [looking at Sheila Savage] Well, well, well. Is this thanksgiving yet? Looks like there’s one little butterball rolling around in the freezer.

Sheila Savage: Why don’t you set me on the counter and let me come to room temp before you stuff my butt full of cornbread, huh?

[Bartender looks pissed off and shows a yellow card]

Bartender: Yellow card.

Sheila Savage: You mind if I plot my slop a little closer?

Corey Dipships: Sure, let me just love my briefcase. By briefcase, I mean zip-loc bag filled with emergency underwear. Bartender, do you have a coat check?

Bartender: Yes, sir. [receiving the zip-loc bag using a tong] I’ll take care of it.

Sheila Savage: You know, I was looking at you because you have that certain still here quality.

Corey Dipships: And I noticed you because the whole back of your shirt is burnt out.

Sheila Savage: Well jokes on you, coz it’s the front. A rival tried to set me on fire and she did it. Hi, I’m Sheila Savage.

Corey Dipships: I feel like I’ve seen you before.

Sheila Savage: Uh-huh. You might recognize me from ABC’s “What would you do?” I was the one that didn’t help the tourist getting mugged. Matter of fact, I joined in. So, what ‘s on your driver’s license?

Corey Dipships: Besides legally blind and organ needer? Well, it’s got the name Corey Dipships, which is weird because I ship dips to Korea.

Sheila Savage: Get out!

Corey Dipships: Yeah.

Sheila Savage: That’s crazy. I’ve been banned from Chinatown.

Corey Dipships: Oh? Something’s happening here.

Bartender: Yeah. It’s called the first sign of the apocalypse.

[a frog falls down in front of Bartender]

Corey Dipships:  You know, when I first saw you, I was like, “F- no!” But now, I’m like, “F-I guess.”

Sheila Savage: You had me at when I remembered there are detectives waiting for me at my apartment. You feeling what I’m feeling?

Corey Dipships: If it’s resignation, then yes.

Sheila Savage: Hey, what’s your sign?

Corey Dipships: Oh, I’m on the cusp. You see, my head poked out on Tuesday, but I keep my feet in till Friday. What’s your sign?

Sheila Savage: Vagitarius.

[Bartender is blowing blow-horns on his both ears.]

Bartender: Good. Now, I can’t hear things.

Sheila Savage: Alright, alright. I can take a hint. Hey, why don’t we go back to your place and 67?

Corey Dipships: 67?

Sheila Savage: that’s me trying to get at your junk while you’re like this. [posing with her arms spread in front.]

Corey Dipships: I would rather go back to my place and do a little 66.

Sheila Savage: Oh yeah? What’s that?

Corey Dipships: That’s you facing away from me and I just work on myself.

Bartender: Look, just seat the deal so I can power wash your stools.

Sheila Savage: Slugger, looks like you just hit a grounder and you’re headed to first base.

Corey Dipships: Well, that’s good because I have a rod and it’s as unpopular as the ball player.

Sheila Savage: Alright. Let me just get my axe body spray on .

[Corey Dipships and dSheila Savage are spraying on themselves] [Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage start kissing] [Bartender is washing his eyes]

Wow, it as de-rotic.

Corey Dipships: Yeah, you gave me a hard-off.

Sheila Savage: Hang on. Hang on. I think these dark times, we need a little grace and a little beauty. Let’s bellagio this sucker. Huh?
Corey Dipships: Let’s do it.

Sheila Savage: Bartender, a little WC please.

[Bartender plays music on the jukebox.] [Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage are spraying water on teach other and kissing.] [Bartender is now sobbing looking at them]

Bartender: Dammit, Anthony! You let her get to you. Well, time to be a good guy with a gun.

[Bartender pulls a gun out shoots at Corey Dipships and Sheila Savage]

Sheila Savage: Hey, we’re making out over here!

Kids Talk Trump

Vanessa Bayer

Dave Chappelle

[Starts with a person talking on TV]

Man: It’s hard to be a parent tonight for a lot of us. You tell your kids, don’t be a bully, don’t be a bigot. They’re afraid of “How do I explain this to my children?”

[Cut to ‘Kids Talk Politics’ intro] [Cut to Vanessa talking with the kids]

Vanessa: So, we just had a big election for president. Did you parents vote?

Kids: Yes!

Vanessa: Great. So, the candidates were Hillary Clinton against Donald Trump. Have you guys heard of Donald Trump?

Kids: Yes.

Vanessa: What have you heard about him?

Boy: He’s funny but he’s kind of a bully.

Girl: He like always talks about how great he is

Boy: He’s got like weird fake hair.

Vanessa: He does, right? How about you? What do you think about Donald Trump?

Black Girl: He unleashed racism and xenophobia. We now must return to the dark ages of white presidents. Also, my dad said that Donald Trump will stop and frisk my cat.

Vanessa: What?

Black Girl: We have a black cat. His name is pussy.

[Dave walks in]

Dave Chappelle: Hey, sweetie.

Black Girl: Dad!

Dave Chappelle: Sounds like somebody’s driving some truth. Let’s get your stuff. We’ve got to get pussy from the vet. Bye kids.

Kids: Bye!

Vanessa: [to other kids] Pussy is their cat.

Kids: We know.

Jheri’s Place

Leslie Jones

Dante… Dave Chappelle

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Benjamin… Mikey Day

Inspector… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Leslie briefing the staff]

Leslie: Listen up, Jheri’s Place staff. The health inspector is coming today and I need this place to be clean, understand? Because lately we’ve had a lot of complaints about hair in the food and that cannot happen.

[Dante, Kenan and Aidy have long curly hair and they are spraying on it]

Dante: Oh, don’t even look at me Donnie. You know whose fault that is.

Kenan: Yeah, all signs pointing to Benjamin.

Aidy: What the hell, Benjamin?

[Benjamin is looking at them confused. He has very short and well cut hair.]

Benjamin: What? Me?

Leslie: Let’s not point fingers.

Benjamin: I think it was Dante.

Dante: Excuse you. The only thing I’m doing is standing here looking so god damn beautiful.

Leslie: Oh, the health inspector is here.

[Inspector walks in and he finds a bundle of hair.]

Inspector: [bad accent] Oh, oh. We are not off to a great start.

Leslie: Benjamin!

[Cut to Inside SNL video bumper] [Cut to Beck reporting the incident]

Beck Bennett: And that about does it for the Jheri’s place sketch here at Studio 8H. In a word, ‘ouch.’ A very thin premise beset by technical slip-ups and performance issues. Let’s now go live to the post-sketch conference and we start with a statement from Dave Chappelle.

[Cut to the post-sketch press conference like that of boxing or MMA fights.]

Dave Chappelle: Um, hello. That was a tough one. But, you know, we’re going to keep out heads down and just look forward, keep moving on to the next sketch.

Alex: So, Dave, what do you think went wrong out there tonight?

Dave Chappelle: Well,  for starters, it was the wigs, man. I think we relied on the wigs too much, you know. You got to realize a wig can’t carry in a tight sketch. I knew that, and I take responsibility for that.

Bobby: Okay, well, speaking of mistakes, Leslie, can you tell us what happened with your late line there?

Leslie Jones: I didn’t mess up.

Bobby: Okay, well, let’s take a look at the replay.

[Cut to the replay where Leslie gets confused with her dialog in the middle] [Cut back to the conference]

Yeah, it really seems like you were having trouble with the cue cards there.

Leslie Jones: Alright, look. ‘SNL’ knew what they was getting into when they hired me, okay? You know what I’m saying? You’re talking cue cards right now? Really? We’re talking about cards? That’s not the sketch. You talking about cards? Man! Next question.

Alex: Kyle, you took a big swing with the accent right there. Tell me, what was going through your head?

Kyle Mooney: Um, I guess I just didn’t have it today.

Alex: Well, do you think you will find it for the remainder of the show?

Kyle Mooney: [bad accent] I don’t know, you– Nope! I don’t think so.

Bobby: Aidy, you were quoted earlier in the week as saying this sketch was a heater and was going to break the internet. Do you think either of those things came to pass?

Aidy Bryant: [staring at Bobby] Next question.

Alex: Dave, you’re a comedy legend, why this sketch?

Dave Chappelle:  Man, the wig was funny, alright? I put it on, I really thought I was going to be the next David S. Pumpkins. Clearly I was wrong.

Mikey Day: Any questions for me? Mikey Day?

Bobby: No. Kenan, I have to ask, with all your experience on the show, could you have done anything to save this?

Kenan Thompson: Yo, I ain’t got time for this. I been on this show for 62 years. And you going to dwell on this? Come on, man! I got to go get ready for my Puerto Rican Peter Pan sketch. Yeah, yeah. You laughing New York, y’all can kiss my ass.

[All the cast members leave]

Male voice: We’ll be back with more SNL.

[The End]

Football Party

Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Brandon… Dave Chappelle

Andrew… Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

Mom… Leslie Jones

Andrea… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with guys having a football party]

Kenan: Oh, damn! That was holding.

Pete: Yeah, call it back!

Brandon: Hell, no. That’s a touchdown, baby. Let’s go for two.

Andrew: Alright. Now we got a game on our hands.

Brandon: Yeah. You want some beers?

Andrew: Yeah, I’d do one.

Brandon: Alright. Hey, mama!

Andrew: Oh, does your mom live with you?

Brandon: No. I kind of live with her.

Pete: Ha-ha. What?

Kenan: She wash your drawers for you too?

[Brandon laughing sarcastically]

Brandon: No. I do that for myself.

Kyle: Guys, go easy. Sounds kind of nice.

[Mom walks in with some beers]

Mom: Hey, you boys. Brewskis!

Andrew: Alright, I guess I can see how you can get used to this.

Mom: So, you thirsty baby?

Brandon: Oh, hell yeah. I could drink something.

[Mom gets ready with a covering sheet to breastfeed Brandon]

No peeking fellas!

Pete: At what?

[Brandon gets inside the sheet]

Mom: Go ahead baby, get in there. Oh, that Cam Newton is something else!

Brandon: Ummm. What did I miss? Did he go for two?

[Brandon’s friends are shocked]

Kenan: Uh, what just transpired exactly?

Brandon: Um, I was thirsty so I had a drink.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, did you just breast-feed?

Brandon: Jealous? Breastfeeding is healthy for the mom and the baby.

Andrew: You’re 43!

Mom: But you’ll always be my baby.

Pete: Ha-ha. Gross!

Kyle: I don’t know. That’s probably he’s so jacked!

Brandon: Bingo. That’s exactly why I’m so jacked. Got any idea how many vitamins are in the elixir?

Mom: It’s nature’s most perfect food.

Brandon: Plus, it’s free as hell. As a matter of fact, mama, if you would?

[passes a small glass to Mom]

Mom: Yeah, sure.

Brandon: So, y’all been planning thanksgiving? You’re welcome to come here, I don’t know what you’re doing.

Kenan: Ah, I’m good.

Andrew: Yeah.

Kyle: I’ll be around.

[Mom passes the small glass filled with milk to Brandon]

Brandon: Ooh! Still warm. [Brandon takes a shot of that milk] What’s going on in the game?

Kyle: Um, they just recovered the onside kick.

Brandon: Hell yeah! Let’s go.

[microwave beeps.]

Mom: Oh, that will be the snacks, I’ll be right back.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, what’s the story here, man?

Brandon: The story? I’ll tell you the story, Andrew. I have never once had an ear infection. I have zero allergies. No respiratory illnesses or bout diarrhea. is that enough of a story for you?

[Mom walks in with five glasses of milk]

Mom: Alright. Fresh baked cookies and milk!

Pete: Um, I guess I’ll take a cookie.

Kyle: I’ll have some.

[Kyle drinks the milk]

Brandon: Not me guys. I’m gonna go straight to the source, excuse me.

[Brandon starts to breastfeed again]

Mom: Get your muscle milk. Easy Brandon, you getting a little toothy down there.

[Brandon gets out of the cover. He has milk all over his face.]

Brandon: Sorry about that mama.

[Awkward silence between friends]

That’s what I’m talking about. Ah! That’s the game. That’s the game.

[Andrea walks in]

Andrea: Brandon! What are you doing? You’re supposed to take me to work. I’m gonna bel late.

Brandon: Oh, hey guys, this is my sister Andrea.

Andrea: Hi. Now, let’s go.

Mom: No. Not before y’all eat something. Everybody in.

Brandon: Alright.

[Brandon and Andrea get into the cover for breastfeeding]

Brandon: Stop pushing, Andrea! God damn!

[the milk is spraying outside all over Brandon’s friends]

Andrea: You’re wasting it!

Andrew: Alright. Okay. I think it’s time for us to head out.

Kenan: Yeah.

Andrew: Thank you for having us. Alright.

[Kenan, Pete and Andrew head out]

Kyle: I might chill here for a bit if that’s cool.

Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue

Dave Chappelle

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

[Dave Chappelle walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Dave Chappelle: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, guys. You know, I know it’s been a long time. It’s been a lone time. So please be patient. You know, I didn’t know that Donald Trump was gonna win the election. I did suspect it. Seem like Hillary was going well in the polls and yet, I know the whites. You guys aren’t as full surprising as it used to be. And I think I speak for all black American when I say that we are all praying for Omarosa. I don’t even know what she’s doing in the news. But America has done it. We’ve actually elected an internet troll as our president. The whites are furious. Never seen anything like it. I haven’t seen whites this mad since O.J. There’s a split screen with white people on both sides, [screaming] Ah!!!

Man, I’m not saying I’m enjoying it. I’m just saying I have never seen this before. I watched a white riot in Portland, Oregon on television the other night. News say they did $1 million worth of damage. Every black person was watching there like, “Amateurs!” So, I’m staying out of it. I’m just gonna be like Kaepernick and let the whites figure this out amongst themselves. Because for us, we’ve been here before. We’ve been here before. And I don’t even think it’s the most important thing we’re dealing with, man. Don’t forget all the things that are going on. Shootings, what do you think about that? All these shootings in the last year. Worse. The worst mass shootings in the history of United States. Pulse nightclub which they said ISIS did. And then turned out that wasn’t exactly what happened. If that is what happened then ISIS is scarier than I thought, because they have very deep cover operatives. Look, I’ve been going out deep for this one, I might have to get a Grindr account and bump a few guys off to throw them off the trail.

I don’t think the guy was in ISIS. What happened was he pledged allegiance to ISIS before he did what he did, which is not same as being an ISIS. You know what I mean? Like, I was gonna have sex with a girl and right before I did it, I screamed out “Wutang.” That doesn’t mean I’m in the Wutang Clan. I’m just shouting Wutang out.

More shootings than I can literally count. You can’t even go to the god damn zoo without seeing a shooting out there. They shot a gorilla in my local zoo. And the Cincinnati police said, “Shooting that gorilla was a toughest decision this department ever had make.” I said, “Well, you ’bout to see a lot of niggas in gorilla costumes in Cincinnati.”

Why do we have to say that? Why do we have to say that ‘black lives matter’? Now, I admit that is not the best slogan, but McDonald’s already took ‘you deserve a break today’. And I guess it’s kind of catchy coz everyone else is biting it. Even the police bite it. ‘Blue lives matter.’ Well, was you born a police? That is not a blue life. That’s a blue suit. If you don’t like it, take that suit off, find a new job, coz I’ma tell you right now, if I could quit being black today, I’d be out of the game. The next best thing, I became a rich black person. Which is harder than you think coz, you know, your life becomes gentrified. Like, Brooklyn. All your black friends start moving out and all these new white friends start moving in. You find yourself saying things to friends you grew up with that you never dreamed, you’d say, “I’m sorry, nigga. You can’t come with us. There’s only enough room in the balloon basket for four. Ta-ta.”

Donald Trump, he did it. He is our president. And I feel bad to say that I’m staying at a Trump hotel right now. I don’t know if he’s going to make a good president, but he makes a swell hotel suite, I’ma tell you that. Housekeeping comes in in the morning and cleans my room and I just… “Hey, good morning, housekeeping”, grab big handful of pussy. “Boss said it was okay.” Sorry about that, Lorne.

All my black friends who have money said the same thing when Trump got elected. “That’s it, bro. I’m out. I’m leaving the country. You coming with us?” “Na, I’m good dawg. I’m gonna stay here and get this tax break and see how it works out.” Coz that’s how it’s being Dave Chappelle. First time I got some money, it didn’t work out like that. Most unlikely thing happened ever. This black president came out of nowhere like, “Come on everybody, let’s start thinking about everyone else.” [screaming] “Oh, nigga! I just got this money! I didn’t even think it was possible.”

Trump went to go see Obama last week. You see that? Yeah. You see Trump’s face when he came out the meeting? Trump got stunned. He looked shook. Trump looked like he got shook. He probably came in there, [mimicking Donald Trump and Barack Obama] “Hi, how are you Mr. President? Good to see you.” “Hello, Donald. How are you feeling?” “Oh god! Got to tell you. This job looks like its gonna be a lot harder than I thought.” “Really? It’s not that hard. I mean, at least you get to be white while you’re doing it.” “I’m just saying, I’ma a little nervous.” “Nervous? Come on, man! Relax. You haven’t even met the aliens yet. It’s gonna be alright.”

I don’t know what he’s gonna do. But I know Obama did a good job. Obama did a good job. I think we’ll all miss him when he’s gone. Do you agree with this? [audience whooping] And thank god he lived to tell about it. He was the first black dude that ever heard of America’s secrets. I’m happy he lived. If someone threaten our president, that is the only time that I’d want him to be stereotypically black. He’ll be on the news like, “An assassination attempt was carried out today on the United States president. In the bizarre sequence of events, the president himself was armed, fired back killing four people had nothing to do with the incident. He then ripped off his shirt, screamed out “Chi-town” for some reason.

You know, before I go, I do wanna say one thing. This is not a joke. But I think it’s important that I say this. Coz they’re marching up in streets right now as we speak. A few weeks ago, I went to the White House for a party. It was the first time I’ve been there in many years. And it was very exciting. And BET had sponsored the party. So, everyone there was black. And it was beautiful. I walked through the gates. I’m from Washington, so I saw the bus stop. Well, the corner of the bus stop used to be where I used to catch the bus to school and dream about nights like tonight. It was really, really beautiful night. And at the end of the night, everyone went at the west wing of the White House. And there was a huge party. And everybody in there was black except for Bradley Cooper for some reason. And on the walls were pictures of all the presidents of the past. Now, I’m not sure if this is true, but to my knowledge, the first black person that was officially invited to the White House was Frederick Douglass. They stopped him at the gates. Abraham Lincoln had to walk out himself and escort Frederick Douglass into the White House. And it did happen again as far as I know until Franklin D. Roosevelt was president. When Roosevelt was president, he had a black guy over and got so much flat from the media that he literally said, “I will never have a nigger in this house again.” I thought about that and I looked at that room and I saw all those black faces and Bradley, and I saw how happy everybody was. These people who had been historically disenfranchised. And it made me feel hopeful, and it made me proud to be an American, and it made me very happy about the prospects of our country. So, in that spirit, I’m wishing Donald Trump luck and I’m gonna give him a chance and we, the historically disenfranchised demand that he give us 12. Thank you very much.

We’ve got a great show tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, A Tribe Called Quest is in the building. Don’t go anywhere, we will be right back.

Eddie Murphy Monologue

Eddie Murphy

Tracy Morgan

Chris Rock

Dave Chappelle

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Eddie Murphy!

[band playing music] [Eddie Murphy walks to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Audience: Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie Murphy: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. It’s great to be back here, finally hosting “Saturday Night Live” for Christmas. [cheers and applause] This is the last episode of 2019, if you’re black, it is the first episode since I left back in 1984. It has been really long time. Here’s actually a picture of me back when I started.

[Cut to old picture of Eddie Murphy] [Cut to Eddie Murphy on stage]

Wow, I look at least five years younger there. You know what they say, money don’t crack. But so much has changed. I just had a new baby incidentally about a year ago. [cheers and applause] I actually have 10 kids now. 11, if you count Kevin Hart. I’m teasing. I love Kevin Hart so much but my kids are my whole life now. And if you would have told me 30 years ago that I would be this boring stay at home, you know, father of 10 house dad and Bill Cosby would be in jail, I would have took that bet. “Who is America’s dad now?” I also have a movie on Netflix called “Dolomite Is My Name.” And we just finished a sequel to “Coming to America” as well. And if you’re wondering why I’ve been working so hard lately, it’s because 10 kids are very expensive.

[Tracy Morgan walks in]

Tracy Morgan: Yo!

Eddie Murphy: Tracy Morgan, ladies and gentlemen.

Tracy Morgan: Welcome home.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah! Its good to be here.

Tracy Morgan: You knew I wasn’t gonna miss this show for all the tea in Arizona. Did you get the sketch I wrote for you?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah. The Jimmy Walker story.

Tracy Morgan: Yeah! It’s called Dy-no-mite Is My Name.

Eddie Murphy: Yeah. I don’t know if we’re going to do that, Dy-no-mite Is My Name.

Tracy Morgan: Well, whatever you need, I got your back. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. Like, literally, I was conceived on the “Delirious” tour bus.

Eddie Murphy: You know, that math doesn’t really add up.

[Chris Rock walks in]

Chris Rock: He, hey, man.

[cheers and applause]

Eddie Murphy: Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen. Chris Rock, what are you doing here?

Chris Rock: Common man, I would not miss this show for the world. My kids love Lizzo.

[audience laughing]

Eddie Murphy: Hey! My kids love Lizzo too.

Chris Rock: Okay but, did you get my sketch?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah, that “Law and Order” UTI sketch?

Chris Rock: Yeah, yeah. Instead of ice tea, it’s cranberry juice.

Eddie Murphy: That sounds kind of nasty for a Christmas show.

[Dave Chapelle walks in]

Dave Chappelle: Hey, hey.

[cheers and applause]

Eddie Murphy: Dave Chapelle! Dave Chappelle’s ladies and gentlemen. What a moment. What a moment we’re having.

Dave Chappelle: Well, did you get my sketch?

Eddie Murphy: Oh, yeah!

Dave Chappelle: It’s the one where TI has the drive through gynecology clinic.

Eddie Murphy: I don’t get it.

Dave Chappelle: It’s stupid. He just says stuff like, “I will check your Hammond expeditiously.” You know, I followed your blue print for my entire career.

Eddie Murphy: Did you?

Dave Chappelle: Yeah, yeah. Became the biggest staron television. And then I quit.

Eddie Murphy: Oh, all right. [4 takes a cigarette out and lights it] Hey, I did not know you could smoke on stage.

Dave Chappelle: You can’t.

Eddie Murphy: Oh! See, this is why I came back to “Saturday Night Live,” for moments like this. When was the last time we was all together like this?

Chris Rock: Last Thursday at Sinbad’s house.

Dave Chappelle: Right, man. Oh, you’re looking at half of Netflix’s budget right here.

Chris Rock: Thanks, Netflix.

Eddie Murphy: Thanks, Netflix.

Tracy Morgan: Not me, not me. I made all my money on the road.

Eddie Murphy: You mean touring?

Tracy Morgan: No, I got hit by a truck.

Eddie Murphy: Okay. Well, I’m glad you’re all here to support me. And I appreciate it.

Dave Chappelle: That’s the least we can do, man.

Chris Rock: That’s right. I remember when I got hired, Lorne told me, “You’re gonna be the next Eddie Murphy.” And then a year later, he said, “No, you’re not.”

[Beck Bennett walks in]

Beck Bennett: You said it, Chris Rock. And just to piggy back–

[Kenan Thompson walks in and pushes Beck Bennett away]

Kenan Thompson: No, we’re good on that.

[cheers nd applause]Sorry about that fellas. Please continue.

Chris Rock: Who the hell was that?

Tracy Morgan: Joe Piscopo.

Eddie Murphy: Hey, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Lizzo is here.

[cheers and applause]

I’m back. Don’t turn the channel. We’ll be right back.