Tag: Morning

Morning Announcements

Sister Clarence… Molly Kearney

Sister Cecelia… Aubrey Plaza

Christopher O’Malley… Andrew Dismukes

Sister Clarence: Good morning St. Christopher O’Malleys High School. I’m Sister Clarence with your morning announcements. And joining me as always, is my best friend. The woman who puts the fun in nun, the walkie, Sister Cecilia.

Sister Cecelia: Hello.

Sister Clarence: All right. Well, it’s Monday, and I had an interesting weekend. I finally watched Mr. Cecilia’s favorite film, “A star is born”. I thought it was about to the birth of Christ. Turns out it’s about Lady Gaga. How was your weekend sister?

Sister Cecelia: A hairdryer fell into the bathtub I was in it. I died for two minutes. Now, I’m questioning everything.

Sister Clarence: Moving on. Today’s lunch special is Tighty Joes. They’re like Sloppy Joes but they’re less messy. Sister Cecilia, what do we have for dessert?

Sister Cecelia: When I was dead, I didn’t see heaven.

Sister Clarence: Maybe it was just closed for Martin Luther King Day.

Sister Cecelia: No, it was a Saturday.

Sister Clarence: Moving on. Let’s go to a student question. This one comes from 11th grader, Katherine Cochran. Is the Easter Bunny Jesus’s pet or his boyfriend? Great question. And the answer is detention. Isn’t that right, Sister Cecilia?

Sister Cecelia: I’m going to have sex tonight.

Sister Clarence: No, you’re not. No you’re not. [There’s a TV graphic saying “I’m going to have sex tonight”.] Tina. Why would you put that in the graphics?

Tina: Sorry, mom. I mean, sister. Noooo.

Sister Cecelia: I’m going back to the dark place.

Sister Clarence: No, you’re not.

Sister Cecelia: Yes, I am. Come with me.

Sister Clarence: I can’t.

Sister Cecelia: Yes, you can.

Sister Clarence: I shan’t.

Sister Cecelia: You’ve done it before. You can do it again.

Sister Clarence: Moving on. We’re gonna carry on with our joke Monday. We have class clown and certified gas man, Christopher O’Malley. I can’t wait to see what he’s got today. Take it away, Christopher. Come on, Christopher. Here’s your moment. [Christopher is nervous] You literally begged me to do this. Remember the joke you said the other day? What do women be doing?

Sister Cecelia: Dying and say nothing.

Sister Clarence: No. Sister women be shopping.

Christopher O’Malley: Hey, you stole my Joke.

Sister Cecelia: The scaling is okay now, Christopher O’Malley, and so as margin 69-ing.

Sister Clarence: Sister!

Sister Cecelia: I want to try it.

Sister Clarence: No, you don’t.

Sister Cecelia: Yes, I do. And therapy. And laser tag.

Sister Clarence: Sister, get ahold yourself. You can’t let go to your faith.

Sister Cecelia: Why?

Sister Clarence: Because that means you’re letting go of me. And you’re my best friend. And I had it all planned out that after we died, we would go to heaven and hang out every day.

Sister Cecelia:There is still heaven.

Sister Clarence: See if you’re still saying that after you hear me sing some Lady Gaga. Tina track seven.

Tina: Right away, dad. Oh, that’s worse.

Sister Clarence: [singing] Tell me something, sis
Without God would we exist?
No
You’re stuck in no not
But I’ll still love you no matter what

Sister Cecelia: I’m off the deep end
here still with best friend

Sister Clarence: I’ll visit you in hell

Good Morning Columbus

Langdon Lee… Bowen Yang

Cheryl Worth… Ego Nwodim

Scott… Mikey Day

Dr. Bloom… Willem Dafoe

Cindy… Heidi Gardner

Nick… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: Good news, it’s good morning Columbus.

[Cut to Langdon Lee and Cheryl Worth in their set]

Langdon Lee: Oh hi, oh hi.

Cheryl Worth: Ha-ha-ha. You are too much.

Langdon Lee: Welcome back. Langdon Lee alongside Cheryl Worth.

Cheryl Worth: Lots ahead in the 9 o’clock hour, but first our man about town, Scott is with a local author who’s written a new self help book about finding happiness through self discovery. Hmm, sounds interesting.

Langdon Lee: Yeah. Sure does. Scott’s down at a book signing of Bergman’s books, with Dr. Benjamin Bloom, author of “Blowing Yourself”. Scott.

Scott: Thanks Langdon. I am standing next to a man who hopes to help millions of folks find happiness through self exploration.

Langdon Lee: Sorry, Scott. I have to jump in. I misspoke before. Dr. Bloom’s book is titled “Knowing yourself.” Not “Blowing yourself”. For a lot of B words in a row on the teleprompter, I got a little tongue tied. Sorry about that, Scott.

Scott: It has happens. Now, Dr. Bloom. Tell us about your book.

Dr. Bloom: Well, it’s a feel good book. It’s about learning how to love yourself by going down deep and embracing the part of you that you discovered down there.

Scott: Wow, that’s a lot to swallow.
Cheryl Worth: I’m sorry Scott. Need to jump in here. We are having an issue with our graphics that is making this interview seem very inappropriate. The book is “Knowing yourself”. We do apologize.

Langdon Lee: Come on, graphics department. What are you doing? Get it together. Ha-ha-ha. Scot.

Scott: Thanks, Langdon. Now, Dr. Bloom, I see you have your wife here with you.

Dr. Bloom: Yes, come on over, honey.

Scott: Hi.

Dr. Bloom: This is my lovely wife, Cindy.

Scott: Now, Cindy, do you practice the techniques in your husband’s book?

Cindy: Oh, yes. It was a little harder for me to get there, though. I think women have to reach deeper into themselves to find the same happiness.

Dr. Bloom: Absolutely. Women are generally more complex. A lot more nooks and crannies to explore.

Cindy: Oh, yeah. You know, it can be an emotionally taxing process. You know, if you’re like me, your sensitive side is gonna take a lickin. But in the end, trust me, it’s so worth it. So buy his book. I had my nose buried in it for hours.

Scott: I’m sure you did. Thank you, Cindy. Now doctor, you’re going to teach me one of your breathing exercises here. Now, I tried yoga once and I was awful. So, hopefully I don’t suck here.

Dr. Bloom: It’s okay to suck. It’s how we learn.

Scott: Okay, good. We got some mats here.

Dr. Bloom: Let’s get down great.

Scott: Great.

Dr. Bloom: You can do this in a chair at home also. Okay. You want to center yourself like this.

Scott: Center.

Dr. Bloom: Now, breathe deeply. Really, fill your mouth with thoughts of–

Langdon Lee: Okay, no, no. Cut the audio. Folks. Oh, no. We are so deeply, deeply sorry. This looks very bad. Maybe go to sports? Yes, sports. Nick, you want to give people your Super Bowl predictions?

Nick: No, let’s let this play out.

Cheryl Worth: Thank you for nothing, Nick. Okay, looks like they’re wrapping up. Bring up the audio back.

Scott: Oh, wow. I have got a long way to go. I got to get practicing.

Dr. Bloom: Don’t go nuts when you’re just starting out. That’d be going too far.

Scott: Okay.

Dr. Bloom: But with time, I promise you’ll rise to the occasion and meet yourself halfway.

Scott: Yes, well said. And you’ve certainly made some fans out of our viewers. @IncelDadddy writes “This dude my hero. Teach me sensei. #nevergonnaleavethehouse” So, good stuff. Now, you’ll be down here all day, correct?

Dr. Bloom: Yes, I’ll be signing copies of my book and at noon, I’ll be demonstrating my technique live.

Scott: Oh! And now if you want to attend, you can make a reservation online at www.– Actually, they’re telling me no you can’t. I guess it’s sold out immediately. Mr. Popular. Back to you guys.

Cheryl Worth: Those people who made a reservation are going to be very disappointed.

Langdon Lee: All right, coming up in traffic something wandered onto the I-270 and is causing major traffic. That’s something get this. A 400 pound a wild whore– Boar! Wild boar. Wild boar. Let’s go to commercial.

Christmas Morning

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Dad… Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with kids waking their parents up in the morning of Christmas.]

Speaker 1: Mom, dad, get up!

Speaker 2: Come on, you guys. Wake up. Wake up.

[musicplaying]

All: It’s Christmas morning. Let’s open up our presents.

BROTHER: Well, I got a Nerf gun!

SISTER: I got a hat!

DAD: I got an autographed baseball bat!

BROTHER: I got a telescope!

SISTER: I got a globe!

DAD: I got a watch!

MOM: And I got a robe!

BROTHER: I got Hulk hands!

DAD: I got a tie!

SISTER: And I got a copy of The Catcher in the Rye!

BROTHER: I got a drum set!

SISTER: I got a phone!

DAD: I got a pen!

MOM: And I got a robe

DAD: I got an outdoor pizza oven!

BROTHER: I got a cameo from McLovin!

SISTER: I got a hoverboard!

BROTHER: I got a drone!

DAD: I got a laptop!

MOM: And I got a robe
Thanks for the robe, it’s really really nice
Thanks for the robe, guys, this is great

BROTHER: I got headphones!

SISTER: I got a wig!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got the piano from Big!

DAD: I got a vintage pinball machine!

MOM: And I’m gonna make us breakfast!
In my brand new robe which I love so much
It’s really really soft! Oh, it’s on sale

SISTER: I got a sword!

DAD: I got shades!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got pairs of rollerblades!

BROTHER: I got a Lego Millennium Falcon!

MOM: And I burned my arm in the oven
It hurt pretty bad, but I didn’t even scream
‘Cause I keep the pain inside of me

ALL: More and more presents
Let’s open up our stockings

BROTHER: Mine has a set of travel games!

SISTER: And mine is stuffed with candy canes!

DAD: Mine has a bottle of nice cologne!

MOM: And mine is completely empty
Just a big, flat sock with nothing inside
I only hang it up ’cause it looks kinda weird
If it’s missing in our pictures

DAD: Hold on now, what’s this I see?

SISTER: A few more presents beneath the tree!

BROTHER: Looks like someone’s got a big surprise

MOM: Oh, you guys really didn’t need to get me–

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s presents for the dog!

BROTHER: He got a bone and a squeaky toy!

DAD: And peanut butter treats

BROTHER AND SISTER: ‘Cause he’s a good boy!

SISTER: So many presents, but he deserves it!

BROTHER AND SISTER: And he got a robe!

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s Christmas morning! Let’s take a family picture!

MOM: John, I don’t have any makeup on. I was up until 4 in the —

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: What a great picture! Let’s post it on the internet!

Male voice:  Your mom does everything for your family. This year, get her more than one present. Moms like stuff, too

BROTHER: Who touched my piano?

MOM: [yelling] It was an accident!

DC Morning

Lisa Anderson… Ego Nwodim

Howard Gayle… Dave Chappelle

[Starts with DC Morning intro]

[Cut to Lisa Anderson and Howard Gayle in their set]

Lisa Anderson: Welcome back to DC Morning. Well, it’s the fourth day after the election and even though it’s been called for Joe Biden, there are still lingering questions. It’s frustrating, isn’t it, Howard?

Howard Gayle: It sure is, Lisa. Even though most experts say it’s over, the president’s still claiming fraud and threatening lawsuits all over the country.

Lisa Anderson: And you can feel the sense of desperation at the white house, can’t you?

Howard Gayle: Absolutely. Just remember, once Trump’s terms ends, he’s suddenly a private citizen with no immunity. And he will have to deal with tax fraud investigations from the southern district of New York and well as defamation lawsuit from a woman who claims that he assaulted her.

Lisa Anderson: Well, I mean we hope to have–

[Breaking News sound]

Howard Gayle: Oh, Lisa, I’m sorry to interrupt but there’s some breaking news. It seems the president suddenly left the White House and he’s on the highway. Let’s go to that footage right now live.

[Cut to a video clip of a car driving on a highway]

There’s the president leaving in what appears to be a white Ford Bronco.

Lisa Anderson: President Trump is in there?

Howard Gayle: It appears so. I’m told he’s crouching down in the backseat and Don Jr. is at the wheel. Oh no. Look at this. Looks like there’s at least a dozen police cars following close behind the president right now.

Lisa Anderson: Why don’t they just pull him over?

Howard Gayle: This is a volatile situation. If they spook the president, he could unleash an army of proud boys in flag waving trucks. He’s like Aquaman but instead of fish, he can summon the entire parking lot of a Cracker Barrel.

Lisa Anderson: I’m sorry to interrupt, Howard, but I’ve been told there was nineoneone call placed moments ago from inside the car. Let’s listen to that call.

Police officer: nineoneone, what are you reporting?

Don Jr.: This is Don Jr., I have the president in the car.

Donald Trump: Oh, give me the hamburger.

Police officer: Is everyone alright, sir? You sound frantic. Are you under the influence?

Don Jr.: This is not about me, okay? Right now, we’re okay. But you gotta tell the police to just back off. Tell them to stand down or dad officially starts the campaign for Howard Gayle0Howard Gayle4. My father has the announcement tweet ready to go, he just has to push one button.

Police officer: Alright sir. And what’s your name?

Don Jr.: This is Don. You know who the hell this is, goddammit!

[Cut back to Lisa Anderson and Howard Gayle]

Lisa Anderson: Wow. Wow. This has really taken a desperate turn for the president.

Howard Gayle: It sure has. It’s sad. And he hate to see it. For more than that. You’ll love to see it.

Lisa Anderson: When we come back, Melania Trump announces her plans to get her groove back.

Morning Joe Michael Wolff Cold Open

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Eddie Glaude… Chris Redd

Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen

Steve Bannon… Bill Murray

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mornig Joe intro]

Song: Welcome to the nut house.

[Cut to Mika and Joe in their set]

Mika: Good morning.

Joe: Good morning.

[cheers and applause]

It’s a great song. Who is that?

Mika: Joe, you know who it is.

Joe: Oh yeah, it’s me. Ha-ha. That’s my original jam, ‘Welcome to the nut house.’ I’m Joe, that’s Mika. Willie Geist is here.

Willie: Good morning.

Joe: We just played that song live last night in prohibition. Mika was there.

Mika: I come because I have to.

[Mika and Joe start looking at each other intimately]

Joe: You come because I tell you to.

Mika: Oh my god. Can we not be this self aggrandizing this early in the morning? You’re digusting.

Joe: And you’re foul.

Mika: I’m gonna bar foul over you.

[Willie is confused]

[Joe looks at the camera]

Joe: Let’s get to the news. President Trump is at it again. He’s using a deeply offensive when describing Haiti and some African country.

Mika: Can you trust?

Joe: Joining me to break this down is chair for the Center of African American Studies at Princeton, [Cut to Eddie] Eddie Glaude.

Eddie: How are you doing?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Eddie]

Joe: Eddie, this is an example of inflammatory racist language. Why do GOP leaders condemn this immediately?

Eddie: Well, first–

Joe: [interrupting] Because Eddie, you’ve studied this stuff extensively, okay? I mean, can you imagine any other president making comments like this? What’s your take?

Eddie: I mean–

Joe: [interrupting] I mean, this is not the first time that he said something like this. Is this a surprise giving his comments in the past? He’s taking about asian, he’s talking about Africans, and the question is this, when will they get to speak? When is it their turn? How long will they be silenced.

Eddie: I personally–

Joe: [interrupting] Eddie Glaude, great points. Thanks for joining us.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Mika: Well, it has been a tough week for the president with the release of the sensational new book ‘Fire and Fury.’ Joining us is the author of that book, Michael Wolff.

[Michael Wolff joins Mika and Joe]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Wolff: Thanks for having me.

Joe: Now, Michael, this book is wild.

Mika: Insane.

Joe: The conversations are so intimate–

Mika: It’s depressing. I’m depressed. It’s amazing what you’ve found. You say the president watches TV most of the day. He eats McDonald’s because he’s afraid of being poisoned. Is there anything you didn’t include?

Michael Wolff: Well, sure. Probably the worst one is the baby races.

Mika: What?

Joe: Can I get your pardon?

Michael Wolff: There were baby races. Trump would ask to have two babies placed in his office usually of different ethnicities. Someone would put a bowl of goldfish crackers on the other side of the room and Trump would say, “1,000 bucks on the black one.”

Mika: My– Is that real?

Michael Wolff: [smiling] Yeah.

Willie: Now, Michael, there has been several errors pointed out in this book already. Do you take responsibility for those?

Michael Wolff: Look, you read it, right?

[looks like they haven’t read it]

Mika: Yeah.

Joe: Of course.

Michael Wolff: And you liked it? You had fun?

[Willie is just nodding his head]

Joe: Yeah.

Mika: Yeah.

Michael Wolff: Well, what’s the problem? You got the gist. So, shut up. You know, even the stuff that’s not true, it’s true.

Mika: I knew it. I knew it was true. The White House is a– I can’t, and I can’t.

Joe: [interrupting] Okay, you know, hey, this one. [Mika is trying to speak] It has been at an 11 for the past year. Okay? I think you’re hangry.

Mika: Oh, you stop.

Joe: This one’s hangry. Come on. Hey, you, calm down. What do you want to do for lunch?

Mika: I don’t know.

Joe: Yeah. I know what you want. [Mika and Joe look into each other’s eyes intimately] You’re a steak florentine gal.

Mika: Yeah? You’re gonna feed me my meat? Coz you’re a dirty dog?

[Willie is shaking his head]

Joe: You know I am. Ruff. Ruff.

[Michael Wolff is looking at them and is uncomfortable]

[Joe looks at the camera]

Michael, one person who is heavily featured in this book is Steve Bannon who is just like goes had a Breitbart news. Here to talk about it. Steve Bannon.

[Steve Bannon joins them. He is wearing grim reaper costume. He opens the costume and takes a seat.]

[cheers and applause]

Steve, good lord.

Mika: My god, Steve. I always thought you look like death but this is death form–

Steve Bannon: Mika, nice words, blessings.

Mika: Okay, so you guys know each other, right?

Michael Wolff: Of course. I got him fired.

Steve Bannon: Come on. I got you hired.

Michael Wolff: Oh, you love it. Even the negative stuff. You love it.

Steve Bannon: Do love it, do live it. Look, no one gets the Bannon fire. No one.

Michael Wolff: Um, except me.

Steve Bannon: Hey!

Michael Wolff: I did.

Steve Bannon: I never said Don Jr. was treasonous.

Michael Wolff: Yes, you did.

Steve Bannon: Well, I certainly never said that he cracked like an egg on TV.

Michael Wolff: Uh, yeah, that sounds exactly like you.

Steve Bannon: Okay, that does sound like me. Yeah. Alright, thank you. Good reporting. But look, the Cannon magic still out there. Steve Bannon, the Bannon Cannon, magic, magic, magic, magic, magic, kind of king makers, ozymandias, the Bannon dynasty is dawning.

Mika: Uh-huh. And, um, what are you doing now?

Steve Bannon: I’m working on a web series for crackle. It’s called ‘Cocksy cars getting coffee.’ And I’m also coming out with a new line of wrinkled barn jackets called fruppers for guys. Spring time, skin care line. Blotch.

Michael Wolff: You know what? Come on. You know you’re done. It’s over.

Joe: Yeah, Steve, you think they’re ever let you back in politics?

Steve Bannon: Yes and on the Cannon’s terms too, as a king maker. I convinced this country to elect Donald. And I can do it again. Already auditioning candidates. Got some prospects. Logan Paul. Martin Shkreli. The subway guy, Jared Fogle. He’s back. He’s electable. It’s time for America to slide down the Bannon-ster. [smiles]

Michael Wolff: You know, Steve, I have to admit it. You did something amazing. You took the biggest long shot in history and you got him elected president. And you unleashed this monster of biblical proportions upon the universe.

Steve Bannon: Michael Wolff, it’s the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me. Thank you.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: The America we loved is over and no one is coming to save us and no one can.

Joe: Well, you know what? Let’s go live by satellite to special guest.

[Cut to Oprah Winfrey]

[cheers and applause]

Mika: Oh my god, it’s Oprah. I thought I smelled lavender and money.

Joe: Oprah, are you running?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Oprah]

Oprah: Well, I am a celebrity, so I’m qualified. But I’m different from Donald Trump because I am actually a billionaire. So, who knows? I mean there’s only one job in the world more powerful than being president.

Mika: And what’s that?

Oprah: Being Oprah. Bye.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Joe: Thank you, Oprah. That was delightful. Thanks for being here. And

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.