Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon
Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat
Willie Geist… Mikey Day
Eddie Glaude… Chris Redd
Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen
Steve Bannon… Bill Murray
Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones
[Starts with Mornig Joe intro]Song: Welcome to the nut house.
[Cut to Mika and Joe in their set]Mika: Good morning.
Joe: Good morning.
[cheers and applause]It’s a great song. Who is that?
Mika: Joe, you know who it is.
Joe: Oh yeah, it’s me. Ha-ha. That’s my original jam, ‘Welcome to the nut house.’ I’m Joe, that’s Mika. Willie Geist is here.
Willie: Good morning.
Joe: We just played that song live last night in prohibition. Mika was there.
Mika: I come because I have to.
[Mika and Joe start looking at each other intimately]Joe: You come because I tell you to.
Mika: Oh my god. Can we not be this self aggrandizing this early in the morning? You’re digusting.
Joe: And you’re foul.
Mika: I’m gonna bar foul over you.
[Willie is confused] [Joe looks at the camera]Joe: Let’s get to the news. President Trump is at it again. He’s using a deeply offensive when describing Haiti and some African country.
Mika: Can you trust?
Joe: Joining me to break this down is chair for the Center of African American Studies at Princeton, [Cut to Eddie] Eddie Glaude.
Eddie: How are you doing?
[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Eddie]Joe: Eddie, this is an example of inflammatory racist language. Why do GOP leaders condemn this immediately?
Eddie: Well, first–
Joe: [interrupting] Because Eddie, you’ve studied this stuff extensively, okay? I mean, can you imagine any other president making comments like this? What’s your take?
Eddie: I mean–
Joe: [interrupting] I mean, this is not the first time that he said something like this. Is this a surprise giving his comments in the past? He’s taking about asian, he’s talking about Africans, and the question is this, when will they get to speak? When is it their turn? How long will they be silenced.
Eddie: I personally–
Joe: [interrupting] Eddie Glaude, great points. Thanks for joining us.
[Cut to Joe’s set]Mika: Well, it has been a tough week for the president with the release of the sensational new book ‘Fire and Fury.’ Joining us is the author of that book, Michael Wolff.
[Michael Wolff joins Mika and Joe] [cheers and applause]Michael Wolff: Thanks for having me.
Joe: Now, Michael, this book is wild.
Mika: Insane.
Joe: The conversations are so intimate–
Mika: It’s depressing. I’m depressed. It’s amazing what you’ve found. You say the president watches TV most of the day. He eats McDonald’s because he’s afraid of being poisoned. Is there anything you didn’t include?
Michael Wolff: Well, sure. Probably the worst one is the baby races.
Mika: What?
Joe: Can I get your pardon?
Michael Wolff: There were baby races. Trump would ask to have two babies placed in his office usually of different ethnicities. Someone would put a bowl of goldfish crackers on the other side of the room and Trump would say, “1,000 bucks on the black one.”
Mika: My– Is that real?
Michael Wolff: [smiling] Yeah.
Willie: Now, Michael, there has been several errors pointed out in this book already. Do you take responsibility for those?
Michael Wolff: Look, you read it, right?
[looks like they haven’t read it]Mika: Yeah.
Joe: Of course.
Michael Wolff: And you liked it? You had fun?
[Willie is just nodding his head]Joe: Yeah.
Mika: Yeah.
Michael Wolff: Well, what’s the problem? You got the gist. So, shut up. You know, even the stuff that’s not true, it’s true.
Mika: I knew it. I knew it was true. The White House is a– I can’t, and I can’t.
Joe: [interrupting] Okay, you know, hey, this one. [Mika is trying to speak] It has been at an 11 for the past year. Okay? I think you’re hangry.
Mika: Oh, you stop.
Joe: This one’s hangry. Come on. Hey, you, calm down. What do you want to do for lunch?
Mika: I don’t know.
Joe: Yeah. I know what you want. [Mika and Joe look into each other’s eyes intimately] You’re a steak florentine gal.
Mika: Yeah? You’re gonna feed me my meat? Coz you’re a dirty dog?
[Willie is shaking his head]Joe: You know I am. Ruff. Ruff.
[Michael Wolff is looking at them and is uncomfortable] [Joe looks at the camera]Michael, one person who is heavily featured in this book is Steve Bannon who is just like goes had a Breitbart news. Here to talk about it. Steve Bannon.
[Steve Bannon joins them. He is wearing grim reaper costume. He opens the costume and takes a seat.] [cheers and applause]Steve, good lord.
Mika: My god, Steve. I always thought you look like death but this is death form–
Steve Bannon: Mika, nice words, blessings.
Mika: Okay, so you guys know each other, right?
Michael Wolff: Of course. I got him fired.
Steve Bannon: Come on. I got you hired.
Michael Wolff: Oh, you love it. Even the negative stuff. You love it.
Steve Bannon: Do love it, do live it. Look, no one gets the Bannon fire. No one.
Michael Wolff: Um, except me.
Steve Bannon: Hey!
Michael Wolff: I did.
Steve Bannon: I never said Don Jr. was treasonous.
Michael Wolff: Yes, you did.
Steve Bannon: Well, I certainly never said that he cracked like an egg on TV.
Michael Wolff: Uh, yeah, that sounds exactly like you.
Steve Bannon: Okay, that does sound like me. Yeah. Alright, thank you. Good reporting. But look, the Cannon magic still out there. Steve Bannon, the Bannon Cannon, magic, magic, magic, magic, magic, kind of king makers, ozymandias, the Bannon dynasty is dawning.
Mika: Uh-huh. And, um, what are you doing now?
Steve Bannon: I’m working on a web series for crackle. It’s called ‘Cocksy cars getting coffee.’ And I’m also coming out with a new line of wrinkled barn jackets called fruppers for guys. Spring time, skin care line. Blotch.
Michael Wolff: You know what? Come on. You know you’re done. It’s over.
Joe: Yeah, Steve, you think they’re ever let you back in politics?
Steve Bannon: Yes and on the Cannon’s terms too, as a king maker. I convinced this country to elect Donald. And I can do it again. Already auditioning candidates. Got some prospects. Logan Paul. Martin Shkreli. The subway guy, Jared Fogle. He’s back. He’s electable. It’s time for America to slide down the Bannon-ster. [smiles]
Michael Wolff: You know, Steve, I have to admit it. You did something amazing. You took the biggest long shot in history and you got him elected president. And you unleashed this monster of biblical proportions upon the universe.
Steve Bannon: Michael Wolff, it’s the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me. Thank you.
Mika: I can’t.
Joe: Mika.
Mika: I can’t.
Joe: Mika.
Mika: The America we loved is over and no one is coming to save us and no one can.
Joe: Well, you know what? Let’s go live by satellite to special guest.
[Cut to Oprah Winfrey] [cheers and applause]Mika: Oh my god, it’s Oprah. I thought I smelled lavender and money.
Joe: Oprah, are you running?
[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Oprah]Oprah: Well, I am a celebrity, so I’m qualified. But I’m different from Donald Trump because I am actually a billionaire. So, who knows? I mean there’s only one job in the world more powerful than being president.
Mika: And what’s that?
Oprah: Being Oprah. Bye.
[Cut to Joe’s set]Joe: Thank you, Oprah. That was delightful. Thanks for being here. And
All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.