Morning Joe Michael Wolff Cold Open

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Eddie Glaude… Chris Redd

Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen

Steve Bannon… Bill Murray

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mornig Joe intro]

Song: Welcome to the nut house.

[Cut to Mika and Joe in their set]

Mika: Good morning.

Joe: Good morning.

[cheers and applause]

It’s a great song. Who is that?

Mika: Joe, you know who it is.

Joe: Oh yeah, it’s me. Ha-ha. That’s my original jam, ‘Welcome to the nut house.’ I’m Joe, that’s Mika. Willie Geist is here.

Willie: Good morning.

Joe: We just played that song live last night in prohibition. Mika was there.

Mika: I come because I have to.

[Mika and Joe start looking at each other intimately]

Joe: You come because I tell you to.

Mika: Oh my god. Can we not be this self aggrandizing this early in the morning? You’re digusting.

Joe: And you’re foul.

Mika: I’m gonna bar foul over you.

[Willie is confused] [Joe looks at the camera]

Joe: Let’s get to the news. President Trump is at it again. He’s using a deeply offensive when describing Haiti and some African country.

Mika: Can you trust?

Joe: Joining me to break this down is chair for the Center of African American Studies at Princeton, [Cut to Eddie] Eddie Glaude.

Eddie: How are you doing?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Eddie]

Joe: Eddie, this is an example of inflammatory racist language. Why do GOP leaders condemn this immediately?

Eddie: Well, first–

Joe: [interrupting] Because Eddie, you’ve studied this stuff extensively, okay? I mean, can you imagine any other president making comments like this? What’s your take?

Eddie: I mean–

Joe: [interrupting] I mean, this is not the first time that he said something like this. Is this a surprise giving his comments in the past? He’s taking about asian, he’s talking about Africans, and the question is this, when will they get to speak? When is it their turn? How long will they be silenced.

Eddie: I personally–

Joe: [interrupting] Eddie Glaude, great points. Thanks for joining us.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Mika: Well, it has been a tough week for the president with the release of the sensational new book ‘Fire and Fury.’ Joining us is the author of that book, Michael Wolff.

[Michael Wolff joins Mika and Joe] [cheers and applause]

Michael Wolff: Thanks for having me.

Joe: Now, Michael, this book is wild.

Mika: Insane.

Joe: The conversations are so intimate–

Mika: It’s depressing. I’m depressed. It’s amazing what you’ve found. You say the president watches TV most of the day. He eats McDonald’s because he’s afraid of being poisoned. Is there anything you didn’t include?

Michael Wolff: Well, sure. Probably the worst one is the baby races.

Mika: What?

Joe: Can I get your pardon?

Michael Wolff: There were baby races. Trump would ask to have two babies placed in his office usually of different ethnicities. Someone would put a bowl of goldfish crackers on the other side of the room and Trump would say, “1,000 bucks on the black one.”

Mika: My– Is that real?

Michael Wolff: [smiling] Yeah.

Willie: Now, Michael, there has been several errors pointed out in this book already. Do you take responsibility for those?

Michael Wolff: Look, you read it, right?

[looks like they haven’t read it]

Mika: Yeah.

Joe: Of course.

Michael Wolff: And you liked it? You had fun?

[Willie is just nodding his head]

Joe: Yeah.

Mika: Yeah.

Michael Wolff: Well, what’s the problem? You got the gist. So, shut up. You know, even the stuff that’s not true, it’s true.

Mika: I knew it. I knew it was true. The White House is a– I can’t, and I can’t.

Joe: [interrupting] Okay, you know, hey, this one. [Mika is trying to speak] It has been at an 11 for the past year. Okay? I think you’re hangry.

Mika: Oh, you stop.

Joe: This one’s hangry. Come on. Hey, you, calm down. What do you want to do for lunch?

Mika: I don’t know.

Joe: Yeah. I know what you want. [Mika and Joe look into each other’s eyes intimately] You’re a steak florentine gal.

Mika: Yeah? You’re gonna feed me my meat? Coz you’re a dirty dog?

[Willie is shaking his head]

Joe: You know I am. Ruff. Ruff.

[Michael Wolff is looking at them and is uncomfortable] [Joe looks at the camera]

Michael, one person who is heavily featured in this book is Steve Bannon who is just like goes had a Breitbart news. Here to talk about it. Steve Bannon.

[Steve Bannon joins them. He is wearing grim reaper costume. He opens the costume and takes a seat.] [cheers and applause]

Steve, good lord.

Mika: My god, Steve. I always thought you look like death but this is death form–

Steve Bannon: Mika, nice words, blessings.

Mika: Okay, so you guys know each other, right?

Michael Wolff: Of course. I got him fired.

Steve Bannon: Come on. I got you hired.

Michael Wolff: Oh, you love it. Even the negative stuff. You love it.

Steve Bannon: Do love it, do live it. Look, no one gets the Bannon fire. No one.

Michael Wolff: Um, except me.

Steve Bannon: Hey!

Michael Wolff: I did.

Steve Bannon: I never said Don Jr. was treasonous.

Michael Wolff: Yes, you did.

Steve Bannon: Well, I certainly never said that he cracked like an egg on TV.

Michael Wolff: Uh, yeah, that sounds exactly like you.

Steve Bannon: Okay, that does sound like me. Yeah. Alright, thank you. Good reporting. But look, the Cannon magic still out there. Steve Bannon, the Bannon Cannon, magic, magic, magic, magic, magic, kind of king makers, ozymandias, the Bannon dynasty is dawning.

Mika: Uh-huh. And, um, what are you doing now?

Steve Bannon: I’m working on a web series for crackle. It’s called ‘Cocksy cars getting coffee.’ And I’m also coming out with a new line of wrinkled barn jackets called fruppers for guys. Spring time, skin care line. Blotch.

Michael Wolff: You know what? Come on. You know you’re done. It’s over.

Joe: Yeah, Steve, you think they’re ever let you back in politics?

Steve Bannon: Yes and on the Cannon’s terms too, as a king maker. I convinced this country to elect Donald. And I can do it again. Already auditioning candidates. Got some prospects. Logan Paul. Martin Shkreli. The subway guy, Jared Fogle. He’s back. He’s electable. It’s time for America to slide down the Bannon-ster. [smiles]

Michael Wolff: You know, Steve, I have to admit it. You did something amazing. You took the biggest long shot in history and you got him elected president. And you unleashed this monster of biblical proportions upon the universe.

Steve Bannon: Michael Wolff, it’s the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me. Thank you.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: The America we loved is over and no one is coming to save us and no one can.

Joe: Well, you know what? Let’s go live by satellite to special guest.

[Cut to Oprah Winfrey] [cheers and applause]

Mika: Oh my god, it’s Oprah. I thought I smelled lavender and money.

Joe: Oprah, are you running?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Oprah]

Oprah: Well, I am a celebrity, so I’m qualified. But I’m different from Donald Trump because I am actually a billionaire. So, who knows? I mean there’s only one job in the world more powerful than being president.

Mika: And what’s that?

Oprah: Being Oprah. Bye.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Joe: Thank you, Oprah. That was delightful. Thanks for being here. And

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Donald Trump Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Steve Bannon

Jared Kushner… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Donald Trump and Mike Pence in White House]

Donald Trump: Oh, Pence. Pence has started to believe I’ve president almost 100 days and I’ve already done so much. It’s hard to keep track of it all. Read to me again from the list of my accomplishments.

Mike Pence: Of course, sir. Nominated Neil Gorsuch.

Donald Trump: God, I love that list. What a beautiful, long list. But Mike, you forgot about all the bombings that I’ve been doing. I just dropped the mother of all bombs on ISIS. The biggest, fattest bomb they’ve ever seen. It’s so big and fat, it almost looks like me when I’m on my golf clothes.

Mike Pence: I’ll add that to the list, sir.

Donald Trump: Look around, Mike. We got so many great memories in this room.

Mike Pence: Yeah. If these walls could talk.

Donald Trump: Oh my god, can they? It wasn’t me.

Mike Pence: No, sir. That’s just a saying.

Donald Trump: Anyway, like I was saying, so many memories in this room. This is where I met with the Chinese president.

Mike Pence: That was at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: This is where I ordered the Syrian strike.

Mike Pence: That was also at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: This is where I showed classified information to the Japanese prime minister.

Mike Pence: That was in front of waiters at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: I know one thing that was here for sure. Remember when I refused to shake the hand with that little German boy?

Mike Pence: Umm, you mean Angela Merkel.

Donald Trump: Whatever his name was. the point is, these 100 days have been such a success. And I’m so sad my presidency is finally coming to an end.

Mike Pence: No sir, you still have over 1300 days left.

Donald Trump: I don’t know. Have you seen my tweets about North Korea? This could all be over by Monday.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha. Sir, I love when you so casually joke about North Korean.

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no. I take North Korea very seriously. Kim Jong-Un is a bad, bad guy. He’s a war monger. He’s quick to anger. He’s a huge narcissist. He’s got the stupid little haircut. I mean, how can a little man like that run an entire country?

Mike Pence: I have no idea, sir. I just wish you’d leave North Korea alone. I mean, we have plenty of problems at home. For example, your top advisor Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner have been at each other’s throats. It’s a huge distraction for us. I think you need to talk to them.

Donald Trump: Fine! Send in Steve Bannon. Send him in.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He’s a grim reaper.]

Steve, wow! You’ve never looked younger. Now, send in my sweet little kush ball, Jared Kushner.

[Jared Kushner walks in wearing a bullet proof vest over his suit]

Boys, I’ve called you here for an important reason. Mike, will you excuse us?

Mike Pence: Happy to, sir. Mother is waiting. That’s what I call my wife.

Donald Trump: Oh, no, don’t do that. Don’t do that. I know I’m bad with women, but that sounds even worse.

Mike Pence: Understood, father.

[Mike Pence leaves]

Donald Trump: Jared, Steve, standing before are my two top advisors. But I only have one photo in my hand. That’s right, tonight is elimination night. There has been a lot of drama in the house and that’s why one of you must go. Now. Who gets to stay? Jared? You take the most beautiful photos. Steve, you take the worst photos I have ever seen in my life. And I’m not joking. When I see a photo of you, it makes me want to puke. Okay? Jared, I’ve sent you all around the world to represent me and no one has ever heard you speak. You’re like a little Jewish Omaly. And Steve, you may be smart, but I once walked in on you eating a live pig in the Roosevelt room.

Steve Bannon: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Donald Trump: Moment of truth. The photo in my hand represents the man who will be staying tonight. You will get to keep advising me and you will also get $100,000 courtesy of L’Oreal. If you do not see your photo, you must immediately leave the Oval Office and join Kellyanne Conway in the basement. But don’t worry, your journey doesn’t end tonight because you will bet to come back at the end of all of this and help send me to prison. And the person that will stay on as my adviser is… Jared. Congratulations, Jared. And Steve, I’m sorry, but it’s a good bye. Take him back to hell.

[a bigger grim reaper walks in and takes Steve Bannon away]

Steve Bannon: [screaming] No!

Donald Trump: Jared, you’re such an inspiration. You showed everybody that if you are born rich and marry my daughter, you can have anything you want. Have a seat at your new desk. I’d like you to just fix everything, okay? [Donald Trump leaves the president’s desk to Jared Kushner] If you need me, I will be over here in mine. [Donald Trump sits on a smaller desk that’s beside president’s desk]

Hey, Jared, I know you don’t like to talk, but why don’t you take it away? Shall we?

[Jared Kushner is struggling to speak]

God, you’re such a cute little twink! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Oval Office Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

David… Kyle Mooney

Steve Bannon

Malcolm Turnbull… Beck Bennett

Enrique Peña Nieto… Alex Moffat

Angela Merkel… Mate McKinnon

Emmerson Mnangagwa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Donald Trump in the oval office] [cheers and applause] [David walks in]

David: Excuse me, Mr. President, I’m heading home for the night. Can I get you anything?

Donald Trump: No, thank you, David. But hey, how do you like working at the White House? Are your parents proud?

David: I tell them I work at Applebee’s.

Donald Trump: That’s great. One more thing, you know I love my daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared. They always keep me so calm and make sure I don’t do anything too crazy.

David: That’s true, sir.

Donald Trump: So, quick question, are they gone?

David: Yes, they don’t work on shabbat.

Donald Trump: Perfect. When the Jews are away, the goys will play. So send in Steve Bannon.

[David walks out] [creepy music playing and a grim reaper walks in. He is Steve Bannon.]

Steve Bannon: Hello, Donald. I have arrived.

Donald Trump: Hi Steve, you look rested.

Steve Bannon: Thank you.

Donald Trump: Not me. I’ve had a long day. I’m tired and cranky. And I feel like I could just freak out on somebody.

Steve Bannon: Then maybe you should call Australia.

Donald Trump: Really? I mean, I haven’t been briefed or anything. But, what could go wrong? Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Malcolm Turnbull]

Malcolm Turnbull: Hello, primi Minister Turnbull.

Donald Trump: Yes, hello. It’s the Donald.

Malcolm Turnbull: President Trump. How are you? I hear there’s been a lot of blowback over your Muslim ban.

Donald Trump: No there wasn’t. Everyone loves it. We had to do it because of that huge massacre at bowling green.

Malcolm Turnbull: Never heard of that one.

Donald Trump: Yeah, it was horrible. So many people died, but actually, they’re the lucky ones. They don’t have to see how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten.

Malcolm Turnbull: Well, Mr. Trump, thank you for still accepting our refugees.

Donald Trump: Homie say what?

Malcolm Turnbull: President Obama said America would accept 1,200 refugees. Your country’s compassion will not be forgotten.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. NO, refugees. America first, Australia sucks, your reef is failing, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Malcolm Turnbull: Wait, wait, what?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Steve, I think that went bad. Was that bad?

Steve Bannon: No, it went just according to plan.

Donald Trump: Whose plan? Your plan?

Steve Bannon: No, your plan.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Good. Let’s call Mexico. I figured out a smart diplomatic way to get them to pay for this wall.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call] [Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ola, President Peña Nieto.

Donald Trump: Guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: No, guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: NO, no, you have to say “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ha-ha-ha. You said “What”, you’re going to pay for the wall.

Donald Trump: No way, you’re paying, loser! You’re bad hombre. Here come our tanks. Prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Hey, Steve, I’m getting too worked up, maybe I should stop.

Steve Bannon: Or, maybe you should call Germany.

Donald Trump: Okay.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Hello? Is this my sweet Barack? Barack Obama, I miss you.

Donald Trump: No, it’s Donald Trump.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Gross. Hi, Donald. Are your people still protesting?

Donald Trump: Yes, everyone is marching in the street, they’re so upset about how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten. But I’m feeling great. Tomorrow, I’m having lunch with very important up and comer. His name is Frederick Douglas.  I’m trying to get hold of him right now. He’s very busy though.

Angela Merkel: Um-hmm. Well, that’s very cool, Donald. I think I should– I have to go.

Donald Trump: Also, I want to be serious for just a moment. Last week, it was holocaust remembrance day. As you know, 6 million were at my inauguration. I mean, there were so many people at my inauguration, the media refuses to cover it, so unfair. One day I’m going to write a memoir about this struggle and call it ‘My Struggle.’ What would that be in German? Angela?

Angela Merkel: It’s actually Angela (An-Gel-la).

Donald Trump: what?

Angela Merkel: My name is Angela.

Donald Trump: No, no, don’t correct me. I’m in charge now, Germany sucks, your wall failed, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone.] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Good. That was hilarious.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Steve. Thank you. Oh, I just had a great idea, watch this.

[Donald Trump is making a phone call]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello?

Donald Trump: Hello, congratulations, you’ve won a free cruise for tour to Hawaii. All you need is your country’s credit card number.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: We’re not paying for the wall, Donald.

Donald Trump: Yes, you are!

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve, all of our so-called allies are being so mean to me.

Steve Bannon: Why don’t you call some random little country, show them who’s the boss?

Donald Trump: What about Zimbabwe?

Steve Bannon: Perfect! Show them the might of America!

[Donald Trump is making a phone call] [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Emmerson Mnangagwa]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello.

Donald Trump: Zimbabwe, this is new sheriff in town.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Wait, is this Donald Trump?

Donald Trump: Yes.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: You think you are dictator? I will rip out your spine and drink from your skull. You cannot even walk downstairs you little white bitch! Don’t you ever call Zimbabwe again.

[Emmerson Mnangagwa hangs up the phone] [Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Okay, Donald. That’s enough fun for tonight. Can I have my desk back?

Donald Trump: Yes, of course, Mr. President. I’ll go sit at my desk, yeah.

[Donald Trump leaves the president’s seat for Steve Bannon] [Donald Trump sits at a little desk that’s beside president’s desk] [Donald Trump is playing with toys]

So much fun, I love it.

Steve Bannon: Yeah, this is fun. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!