Tag: Punkie Johnson

Lisa from Temecula Wedding

Lisa… Ego Nwodim

Shana… Punkie Johnson

Kelly… Ana de Armas

Bowen: Oh my gosh, this wedding has been unreal. Neadine is such a beautiful bride.

Molly: Chandler is one lucky guy.

Kelly: He sure is. Hey, Shana, by the way, I know it’s probably tough coming to a wedding today’s after a breakup, but I think it’s so sweet or your baby sister Lisa came all the way here to be your date. Lisa, it’s so nice to meet you.

Lisa: Yeah, that’s cute, but my box is closed tonight.

Kelly: I’m sorry, what?

Shana: Kelly girl, pay no mind to my sister. She’s such a jokester.

Michael: All right, ma’am, this is all the dressing we could find in the kitchen.

Lisa: No, why is this ranch black?

Michael: It’s balsamic.

Lisa: Balsamic? What the-

Bowen: Lisa, you really like your dressing, huh?

Kelly: Yeah, everyone else is just in the salad as served.

Lisa: Yeah. And everyone else is about to be sick. Not me. Toss my salad. You know, the more dressing you put on it, the less likely you are to get ecoli. I need to stay healthy. I got to be in court in the morning.

Kelly: Oh, you’re a lawyer?

Shana: Yes, she surely is. Lisa is the lead litigate on a class action suit against the built-a-bear.

Lisa: Um-hmm. They gave a bunch of build-a-bears to some bald kids, and I ain’t got to tell you what happened next.

Kelly: Wow, that sounds like really important work. I bet those families are grateful for your help.

Lisa: Sis, switch me seats. Your little lesbian friend is doing the most trying to get the box tonight. It ain’t happening, boo.

Kelly: I’m sorry. Do I come off flirting? Because I’m not.

Shana: No Kelly, you’re fine. Lisa, can you please chill?

Lisa: All right. Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna just sit back, relax and fix this salad. Okay? No, hold on. Oh, no. Who thought this was a good idea. Raw salmon?

Bowen: Well, it’s smoked.

Lisa: Smoked? Pink as it is, look like a fruit roll up. Uh-uhh. Cook my meat. [throws the salmon] I’m gonna mix this all up for all of us. Okay.

Kelly: Well anyways, I have to tell you guys about this embarrassing date I went on.

[Lisa is wildly mixing the salad, the table is all shaky.]

Lisa: It must be meat in the salad.

Kelly: So he and I saw a movie and ended up back at my place.

Lisa: Now, why did managers give me ranch?

Kelly: And as soon as we walk in, a mouse runs across my kitchen floor.

Lisa: Sis, you got any ranch on you?

Shana: Lisa? Just eat. Can you please just eat?

Lisa: But I need ranch.

Shana: Oh my god.

Lisa: Everybody knows lettuce is nasty without ranch.

Kelly: So now I’m worried that he saw the mouse. [All their drinks fall and gets spilled on the table.] But then he’s like, “No, no, it’s fine. We’ll just go to my place.”

Molly: Wow, what a gentleman.

Bowen: Smart man.

Shana: Come on, sis. What happened to us just chillin?

Lisa: I am chillin. I’m chillin. I’m minding- What? I’m chillin. I’m minding my business. You know, this salad gonna be all right, but I’m gonna need it to be Boston.

[Lisa stands and starts shaking the whole table while mixing the salad]

Shana: Lisa! Lisa! She’s trying to tell us a damn story.

Lisa: Yeah, I heard the girl. She said her house is dirty.

Shana: Lisa? Okay, alright. Lisa, can you please just knock it off?

Lisa: I need the leverage. I need the leverage.

Shana: I don’t need-

Lisa: What? What? Shaina? I heard the girl Carmen SandiLisa over here trying to get the box while she got ratatouille as her roommate.

[Bride walks in]

Bride: What is going on over here? A piece of salmon at my mother?

Lisa: See? Y’all see? This whole wedding is a mess. People getting hit with salmon and they put raw salmon in my salad.

Groom: Is she saying salmon?

Bride: Thank you for coming but this table is ruining our special day.

Lisa: Oh, because we gay?

Bride: No. We’re right in the middle of our first dance.

Lisa: Then why are you over here talking to me? Dance bitch. Now you’re seeing this right? There’s champagne all in the food, vegetables everywhere. That marriage is doomed.

Kelly: Lisa, I understand that you don’t want to get sick, but this is all kind of your fault.

Bowen: Yeah, you’ve been dressing that salad in a really insane way.

Shana: Hold on, hold on. I’m not about to let y’all attack my sister Lisa who came all the way out here from Temecula to be my date. Now maybe she’s a type of siste that you just can take nowhere.

Lisa: I know that’s right.

Shana: Oh no, Lisa. Maybe she’s such a bad listener, it makes you wonder is this woman hard of hearing?

Lisa: Now what you saying, I know that’s right.

Shana: When it’s all said and done, it’s my blood right here. And she better not have one dry leaf in that damn bowl.

Lisa: Toss my salad. You know what? Y’all done piss me off. I lost my appetite. I’m leaving.

Kelly: Where is she from again?

Lisa: Temecula.

Weekend Update- LSU’s Angel Reese on Her White House Invitation

Angel Reese… Punkie Johnson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: There was controversy this week. When LSU basketball star Angel Reese refused an invitation to the White House to celebrate her team’s national championship. But now she has decided to go. So here to comment is Angel Reese.

[Angel Reese slides in] [cheers and applause]

Angel Reese: Yeah, the Bayou Barbie is in the building. Louisiana, stand tall.

Michael Che: Well Angel, you had quite a week.

Angel Reese: Yeah. I got people big mad. First they were mad because I was taunting. But all I did was this. You would have thought I pulled my nipple out and flicked it on national TV. Then they were mad because I didn’t want to go to the White House. But Che, they invited Iowa.

Michael Che: But they lost.

Angel Reese: Exactly. In the history of sports, when you lose you take your ass home. But then white girls lose. And suddenly it’s all teams matter.

Michael Che: Well, I’m glad you changed your mind. That’d be pretty cool.

Angel Reese: Yeah, it’ll be cool for them. I’m a big deal now, Che. Since college players get endorsements now, ‘m about to cash in. And my brand works for anything. How this sounds, Che? “Degree deodorant. Y’all stank.”

Michael Che: It seems aggressive.

Angel Reese: Okay, how about this one? “Garden Gnomes. Man, get yo little ass out my face.”

Michael Che: That’s a commercial for Garden Gnomes?

Angel Reese: Yeah. If the money right. Now, here’s my favorite. “Big ass eyelashes. Empowering women ballers and snuffleupacus since Angel Reese97Michael Che.”

Michael Che: Well Angel, I’m glad that you’re enjoying the moment.

Angel Reese: Yeah, I am. Look, last week women’s sports was boring. Now all you’re talking about is women’s sports. All this week. Why? Because women is balling right now. Man, I dropped 15 on Iowa. I went hard in the paint. I grabbed about 10 boards without even messing up my eyelashes. The only thing I regret is not getting more buckets. I could have picked that ball up, bounced it off old girl head like I was in the A-one tour. But you know, I was already in foul trouble, so your girl had to chill. And now I’m just sitting back getting all this Baby Gap money.

Michael Che: Why are you endorsed by Baby Gap?

Angel Reese: Because all these bitches is my son.

Michael Che: Angel Reese, everybody.

Angel Reese: You can’t see me. We going back to back. Angel Reese.

Drug Dealer

Andrew Dismukes

Devon Walker

Marcello Hernandez

Quinta Brunson

Kenan Thompson

Michael Longfellow

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with people talking inside a club’s bathroom]

Andrew: Dude, I thought this club was a little sketchy at first, but the girls here are insane.

Devon: I know. I already got like three phone numbers.

Andrew: And the only thing that would make this night a little more perfect is if we could score a little something.

Devon: You mean like, Coke?

Andrew: Yeah, man.

Devon: I don’t know.

Andrew: Why not? We’re on vacation? Right?

Devon: All right. All right. All right, but only if we can find something that’s like pure, you know I’m saying? There’s a lot of garbage going around right now.

[Marcello walks to them]

Marcello: Hey. You guys looking for some cocaine?

Andrew: What?

Marcello: I said you want to get high? Because I’m gonna make that happen.

Andrew: Wait, seriously?

Devon: I mean, is it pure?

Marcello: [mocking Devon] Is it pure? Don’t insult me, man. My product is so pure white, it’s like a bunny rabbit making snow angels on the cloud.

Andrew: Ooh, sounds good to me.

[Quinta also walks to them]

Quinta: Hey, you guys looking for cocaine?

Andrew: Oh, I think we found some already.

Marcello: Yeah, they already found some. Get lost.

Quinta: Well, my stuff is so right, it’s like Gwyneth Paltrow skiing in Utah.

Devon: Okay. Damn, I’m sold. Alright, how much for that?

Marcello: Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. My cocaine is so pure white, it’s like the guy that suing Gwyneth Paltrow because he can’t enjoy wine tastings anymore.

[Kenan also walks to them]

Kenan: Ya’ll looking for some cocaine?

Quinta: No.

Marcello: They already decided, man.

Andrew: No, no, we haven’t. We’re just trying to make sure it’s pure.

Kenan: Oh, let me tell you this man. The coke that I got is so white, it’s dad seems it money every month with a rent.

Devon: Okay, I think I want that one.

Quinta: No, no, no, that is junk. This stuff right here is so white, it takes his shoes and socks off on a plane.

Marcello: No, no no, no, no, no. You don’t want that. This is what you want man. This cocaine here is whiter than season two of ‘The Wire.’

Kenan: Oh yeah? Well my coke is like …
[singing] Cut my life into pieces
this is my last resort

Quinta: Mine is like…

[singing] I chime in with a
“Haven’t you people ever heard of…”

Andrew: [singing] “…closing the goddamn door?”
Damn, no. That is white.

[Punkie also walks to them]

Punkie: Hey, you guys looking for some cocaine?

All: No, we’re good.

Marcello: We’re all set, man.

Devon: Alright, look, we’re looking for coke that’s so pure white, it got a little bottle opener on its flip flops.

Punkie: Yes, yes. My cocaine is so pure, it was written and directed by Noah Baumbach.

Devon: Wait, who the hell is Noah Baumbach?

Andrew: A poet.

Kenan: Man, that’s nothing. This cocaine I got stuff like “Oh, let me scoop right by you.”

Quinta: No, no, no, no, no. This cocaine is so white… [looks at Andrew]

Andrew: Oh, sorry. How White is it?

Quinta: Thank you. It’s so white, it stands like this admiring its lawn.

Marcello: Whatever, man. My coke is so white…

[James walks in to wash his hands]

James: Let me just scoot by you there. Okay. Toodles.

Marcello: It’s that white.

Kenan: I already said that one.

Andrew: Alright man, so what do you think?

Devon: I don’t know. I still can’t decide. Hey

Michael: Hey. [he had been hiding, standing on the wall wearing clothes as the same color of the wall.] You guys looking for some black tar heroin?

Andrew: What, no!

Michael: OH, too bad. Because I’ve got some black tar heroin that’s so black, it’s- [looks around] You know what? Maybe I shouldn’t say.

Devon: No, no, I want to hear this. Go ahead.

Kenan: Please tell us.

Quinta: I’m all ears.

Michael: Fine. I was just goona say it’s so black that is strong and equal, and we should all really give it a chance. You know, I’m not even here.

Quinta: That’s what I thought. Anyway, like I said, this coke is so white, it likes to say it’s from Chicago, but it’s from a suburb like an hour outside of Chicago.

Punkie: Well, my cocaine is 20 pairs of Yeezy sneakers.

Devon: Wait, that’s not even white.

Punkie: Ha-ha. Well, they all dirty.

Quinta: That’s pretty white.

Kenan: Damn, that’s white as hell.

Andrew: All right. All right, that’s enough. It’s all sound very white and pure. I can’t decide. So I guess we’ll take one from each.

Quinta: Okay.

Punkie: That’s fair. Alright.

Devon: Okay. And you’re absolutely sure that there’s no fentanyl in this, right?

Quinta: Well, nobody said that.

Kenan: I mean…

[all making excuses]

Couple Goals

Bob Dabilda… James Austin Johnson

Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Mia… Quinta Brunson

John… Michael Longfellow

Linda… Punkie Johnson

Announcer: It’s time for ‘Couple Goals’ with your host, Bob Dabilda.

Bob Dabilda: Welcome to ‘Couple Goals’, the game where married couples find out just how well they know each other. Let’s meet today’s contestants. They recently celebrated their 10 year anniversary. It’s Thomas and Mia Anderson.

And they lived across from each other during the pandemic and now they’re married, it’s John and Linda Cronin.

Alright, let’s get started. As you know, your spouse has answered a series of questions before the show and it’s up to you to guess what they said. Question one. What is your wife’s favorite food. Thomas?

Thomas: Oh, come on now, Bob. That’s easy. She’s the queen of burgers.

Bob Dabilda: Sounds pretty confident. Let’s see what Mia said.

Mia: Burgers. I’m the burger queen.

Bob Dabilda: Alright. The Andersons are on the board. Let’s go to the Cronins. John.

John: I’m gonna go with my gut here and say grapes.

Linda: Oh no. I said fish sticks. You’ll get them next time, babe.

Bob Dabilda: All right, question two. What is your husband’s greatest fear?

Mia: I’ve seen this man in the garage. And trust me, the answer is spiders.

Bob Dabilda: Aright, Mia says spiders and Tom has said his greatest fear is… that you’ll fall down the stairs and get hurt so bad that I have to give up my dreams and spend the rest of my life caring for you. Wow. No points on that one.

Mia: That’s your biggest fear?

Thomas: Spiders. Yeah. I should have said spiders.

Bob Dabilda: Okay, moving on with the Cronins. Linda, what is your husband’s greatest fear?

Linda: Oh, I got this. It’s airplanes.

John: No, honey, it’s snakes. Remember?

Linda: Oh, so close.

John: Was it though? Was it?

Bob Dabilda: Okay Anderson’s, next question. What’s something you do in bed that your husband does not like? Mia.

Mia: Well, this is embarrassing. But I’ll say it kiss him before brushing my teeth.

Bob Dabilda: And Tom is sad – Sleep too close to the edge.

Mia: Thomas, you think I’m gonna fall out of bed and break my neck?

Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. Ay, what’s the next question, man?

Bob Dabilda: Over to Linda, what’s one thing you do in bed that your husband does not like?

Linda: I’d have to say get on top.

Bob Dabilda: Okay. And John said –

John: Hog the sheets, babe.

Bob Dabilda: Once again, the Cronins are not remotely on the same page. Next question for the Andersons. What was your biggest fight about?

Thomas: Oh, I know this one. That would be the basketball game incident.

Bob Dabilda: Okay. Thomas says the basketball game incident and Mia says – the time I hit a half court shot at a basketball game and they gave me free rock climbing lessons for life. And you ran out and ripped up the certificate in front of the whole stadium. Five points to the Andersons.

Thomas: We run away with now, huh baby?

Bob Dabilda: Okay, folks, that sound means it’s time for a bonus question. This one’s for you, Mia. Who has had the biggest influence on your husband’s life?

Mia: His father?

Thomas: Yeah. My dad. And my parents are actually here today. How am I doing Dad?

Dad: You’re doing great son.

[His mother is looking at him disappointed]

Bob Dabilda: Back to Linda. What is your husband’s dream vacation?

Linda: I don’t know. Snake world.

John: Yeah, yeah, it’s snake world. No, you idiot. I just said I don’t like snakes.

Bob Dabilda: Calling your spouse an idiot and you lose a turn. All right. Mia, what’s your husband’s dream vacation?

Mia: At this point, who knows? But he always said Aruba.

Thomas: Yes. Yes baby.

Mia: Alright, finally. There’s the man I married.

Bob Dabilda: Uh-huh. And what’s that little asterix?

Thomas: Oh, that’s just this.

Bob Dabilda: As long as you’re still healthy. If not then Big Sur with your sister. After years of caring for you together, we will have grown close in away we Never expected. And when we finally climax together under the redwoods, we’ll hold each other and weep. Not just because the pleasure is so intense, but because we finally feel released from our tragic shared burden. Well, you both said Aruba, that five points put you over the top. Anderson’s you have won our grand prize.

Mia: Wait, we did?

Thomas: We won, baby.

Bob Dabilda: And that grand prize is an all expense paid trip to Bali’s Temple of 1000 steps.

Thomas: No!

Bridesmaid Cult Documentary

Dr. Greg Lawrence… James Austin Johnson

Riley Dibiase Lowell… Heidi Gardner

Brittany Reynolds… Ego Nwodim

Naomi Daniels… Quinta Brunson

Josh Chan-Moy… Bowen Yang

Riley Dibiase… Sarah Sherman

Vanessa Cutchin… Punkie Johnson

Michelle… Molly Kearney

Riley Dibiase Lowell: It all started with a box on my doorstep.

Brittany Reynolds: And a note with a question.

Naomi Daniels: I just got this feeling that it wasn’t the kind of question you could say no to.

Riley Dibiase: Will you…

Vanessa Cutchin: Be my…

Riley Dibiase Lowell: Bridesmaid.

Male voice: From the people who brought you ‘Keep Sweet’, ‘Wild Wild Country’ and ‘the Nexium Documentary,’ comes a harrowing new cult story ‘I was a bridesmaid.’

Dr. Greg Lawrence: Each year more than 6 million women fall into this type of cut. They prey on vulnerable groups like college roommates and sisters in law.

Riley Dibiase Lowell: They sell you on the big day. I thought it was a one day commitment. But for 18 months, I was fully sucked in.

Brittany Reynolds: I mean, there was an email chain a group text, DMS, a whole last conversation in the comments on Venmo.

Naomi Daniels: That sent a 200 question poll about customized shirts. We ended up going with bride tribe.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: These cults also target another vulnerable group. -Outgoing gay men.

Josh Chan-Moy: I’ve been a bridesmaid at nine weddings this year. Whenever a girl starts calling me sis, I know I’m in trouble.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: The Bachelorette Party is the first major ritual. Almost always in Nashville.

Riley Dibiase: I tried to say I couldn’t afford to go because my student loans. The maid of honor texted back “No worries” with the sparkle emoji. I knew what that meant. I sold my car to make it happen.

Naomi Daniels: At first, I thought that the bride was in charge. But it was the woman under her, the maid of honor, Michelle.

Vanessa Cutchin: Michelle was a sociopath.

Michelle: Attention. First, we’re going to be getting up at 6am for a sunrise pole dancing fitness class. Then we’re going to be renting a nine person party bike. We’re going to be drinking, drinking, drinking.

Brittany Reynolds: You know what? I’m actually not feeling that good. So I might meet you guys later.

Chloe: That’s okay. [smiles at Brittany Reynolds, but then looks at Michelle looking disappointed]

Michelle: Hey, Brittany, can we talk for a sec?

[Michelle is having serious discussion with Brittany Reynolds]

Josh Chan-Moy: I don’t have many memories from the bachelorette trip. Because I was drugged by myself. I had no choice. These women were terrorizing every gay bar in town.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: As with all cults, there is a financial element.

Naomi Daniels: I spent $300 on a bridesmaid’s dress, the bride store I find other times to wear it. Like, where am I going that calls for a floor length light blue chiffon gown with a modest neckline? Nowhere.

Riley Dibiase: Then the bridal shower, more money, more gifts. There was all this penis stuff, sashes straws. Everyone acted like it was hilarious. I didn’t understand.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: The penis stuff is it’s very funny. I will say that.

Riley Dibiase Lowell: And finally it was time for the big day.

Riley Dibiase: I was separated from my boyfriend and given a new partner. The groom’s cousin Donny who was inexplicably 61.

Josh Chan-Moy: Final ritual was the most demeaning. We had to write and perform original lyrics to Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

[singing]

Naomi Daniels: And then, all of a sudden it was over. But I just got engaged. Don’t worry, I’m going to be such a chill bride.

School vs. School

Jay McCormick… Kenan Thompson

Sheila Cashman… Punkie Johnson

Manny Jackson… Marcello Hernandez

Gabe Bachman… Michael Longfellow

Professor Zander… Mikey Day

Zena Neutrilo… Jenna Ortega

Knockout… Molly Kearney

Jay McCormick: Welcome. Welcome everybody to School VS School where teachers team up with their star students to win big bucks. I’m your host Jay McCormick. Back after a brief hiatus. I was of course the key witness in a harassment trial of this show’s COVID representative who swab my anus in lieu of my nose every day for five months. But that’s all in the past now. So let’s meet up teams. From West Grove High in New Jersey, teacher Sheila Cashman and her students many Manny Jackson in Gabe Bachman.

Now, I’m told that your school has one of the best science departments in the country.

Sheila Cashman: Yes, and you can say that it’s A+.

Jay McCormick: Yeah, that’s cute. Alright, now let’s meet their opponents from Professor Zander’s Academy for extraordinary children. Professor Chandliss Zander and his students Zena Neutrilo and knockout. Now, it says here that your school is a 100 room Victorian mansion located within a 10,000 acre private forest?

Professor Zander: That is correct. We need ample space in which to train our students to harness their incredible gifts.

Zena Neutrilo: If my gifts are so incredible, than why won’t you love me?

Professor Zander: [yelling] Because you cannot yet control them, child.

Jay McCormick: Okey-dokie. Let’s just get to the game. are we feeling confident, team?

Manny Jackson: Heck yeah, Professor Zander’s Academy, you’re going down?

Knockout: We could enslave you.

Professor Zander: Knockout, no.

Jay McCormick: Well, that’s fun. All right, first question gets control of the board. Name for a random modification of DNA from parent to offspring. Zena.

Zena: Mutation.

Jay McCormick: Crrect.

Professor Zander: Oh, yes, mutation is a topic in which we are well versed.

Zena: That’s why they hate us.

Professor Zander: Zena!

Zena: They think we’re freaks.

Professor Zander: [yelling] Enough, child!

Jay McCormick: All right. Well, Zena, you have a chance for extra credit. The subject is English Lit. How’s your school’s English department?

Professor Zander: Our curriculum focuses more on harnessing our students’ abilities.

Zena: You always doubt me. Ask your question.

Jay McCormick: Okay then. “To be or not to be” is spoken by which Shakespearean protagonist?

Zena: Toby.

Jay McCormick: Wrong.

Zena: Argh, I failed. Oh, is that what you’re all thinking? The freak failed?

Sheila Cashman: No, I promise you sweetie, no one is thinking that.

Zena: Oh, you lie, you pathetic human.

[Zena tries to attack Sheila Cashman with her power, but Professor Zander stops her.]

Professor Zander: Zena, no, you can kill her.

[The whole stage is shaking by their powers]

Jay McCormick: Hey! Alright, hey! Now, I’ve just got blast and hit in the face with what I can only describe as electric wind. But since no points were awarded, control now goes over to West Grove high who are yet to get on the board. All right West Grove, here’s your question. Name the triangle which has three sides of equal length.

Gabe Bachman: I think there’s something wrong with our Teacher.

[Sheila Cashman is all blown up and had bloody nose]

Jay McCormick: Okay, no points there. Control back to Professors Zaner school I guess. Chance to steal. Triangle with three equal sides.

Professor Zander: Let me enter your mind.

Zena: I can figure it out on my own.

Professor Zander: I’m trying to help you, Zena.

Zena: God, stay out of my head.

Professor Zander: [yelling] Let me in.

Knockout: Stop fighting. [Knockout hits the table and breaks it]

Jay McCormick: Hey! We were looking for equilateral triangle.

Zena: Argh! I shouldn’t be here. I should be on the team using my powers.

Professor Zander: [yelling] You are not ready, child!

Jay McCormick: All right, we’re gonna take a break. Let things calm down and see if we can get that lady’s brain back online. This is Jay McCormick reminding you that COVID swabs go in the nose and not the keister. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me every day for five months, shame on me. Keep it right here.

Party in Palm Springs

Vince… Michael B Jordan

Ego Nwodim

Sarah Sherman

Chloe Fineman

Punkie Johnson

Janinaneen … Heidi Gardner

[Starts with four ladies having a bachelorette party]

All: Cheers! Whoo!

Ego: After all this wedding planning, I needed this Palm Springs trip, okay?

Sarah: Well your bachelorette weekend ain’t over yet, honey.

[doorbell ringing]

Ego: Oh my gosh, don’t tell me. Don’t tell me.

Sarah: It’s about to get hot in here.

[Vince walks in in a Fireman uniform with a hose]

Vince: Hello ladies, my name is Vince. And I just got word that y’all buildings out of code. And that makes me horny.

[music playing] [Vince starts dancing]

Ego: You guys are so bad. This is what I’m talking about.

Vince: I’m about to introduce y’all to my friends, Pop and Lock. [showing his two arms]

Chloe: Yay, he’s so hot.

Sarah: You’re welcome. I saw him on the website and I was immediately rock hard.

Ego: Okay, okay. Mr. Pop and Lock, go on.

Punkie: Oh my god, this is crazy.

Chloe: Okay, how red is my face right now?

Vince: Well, we all gonna be off tonight girls. We all go on blush. Your turn bride to be.

[Vince danced in front of Ego] [doorbell ringing]

Ego: Oh-oh. Wait, do we have another firefighter?

Punkie: Not that we paid for.

Janinaneen: Hey, I’m sorry to bug y’all. Vince babe, my phone died.

Punkie: What? Who is that?

Vince: Oh, my bad. This is my wife, Janinaneen.

[Janinaneen walks in. She’s pregnant.]

Janinaneen: Hey. Sorry. I hate to ask. Can I change my Galaxy for literally two minutes?

Chloe: Sure. I guess.

Janinaneen: Oh, thank you so much. My mom got glute surgery today and we’re just praying she’s okay.

Vince: Wow, the hospitality is biblical. Thank you queens. Urgh. You alright, babe?

Janinaneen: Um, I’m charging. Oh, pictures on my mom’s new ass just came in. She made it. God is good. God is good. Okay, now watch my king strip. Hit it.

Vince: Where was I? Oh, yeah, I’ll introduce y’all to my friends, Pop and Lock.

Janinaneen: Oh yeah, there he is. Sit on them, Vince. Sit on them.

[Vince sits on Punkie and dances] [Janinaneen moves closer and puts her pregnant belly on Chloe’s face and starts dancing]

Yeah, he made this. He made this. He made this. He made this. He made this.

Chloe: Okay. No. Okay. I am so sorry. I can’t, you guys. I can’t.

Ego: Yeah, you know, I think I was envisioning just like one dancer and not like a pregnant woman with a really long phone charger.

Janinaneen: Girl, don’t hold back because of me. You can touch him. You can kiss him. I promise you, I don’t mind, [pointing at her pregnant belly] and she don’t mind.

Vince: See? See? See? I love that about us. 100% trust. [in Ego’s ears] Oh, I hope and pray to God you find that in your wedding. Oh. I hope and pray to god.

Ego: Okay. Thank you.

Vince: Hit it. Hit it. Because that one my friends, that keeps the relationship alive. It keeps the sexuality alive.

[Vince and Janinaneen start dancing. The ladies start to move away from them.]

Punkie: Okay. This is getting just a little bit weird.

Sarah: Guys, we already paid him the 30 bucks. Just let him finish.

Ego: 30 bucks? My peanut butter cost 30 bucks.

Punkie: Bitch, where you getting peanut butter?

Chloe: Okay, I’m sorry, are they praying?

Vince: I humbly thank God for the power strip. Umm.

Janinaneen: And I pray the lord for these Chickies for letting me charge my galaxy.

Both: Amen.

Vince: Whoo! Where was I? Oh yeah, that’s right. I was introducing y’all to my two friends, Pop and Lock.

Ego: We already met them.

Janinaneen: [putting the water hose between her legs like penis] Hey hoes, who wants to ride his hose? [She’s touching the hose on Chloe’s and Sarah’s faces]

Sarah: This is stressing me out. I feel like we’ll end up on the news.

Chloe: Okay, alright. Okay, alright, enough. We’re done. We’re done.

Punkie: Yes, this is not what we paid for. Okay?

Janinaneen: No, you got more than what you paid for. Three strippers for the price of one.

Ego: Ma’am please stop referring to your fetus as a stripper.

[Janinaneen’s water breaks]

Janinaneen: Oh my god, my water broke.

Chloe: Oh my god.

Ego: Wait, how pregnant is she?

Vince: Just a little over a year, but whatever.

Punkie: What? Oh my god. I’m calling an ambulance.

Janinaneen: WE don’t have time. I’ll have the baby here with my girls.

Vince: We got this, girls. We got this. Okay, hit the music.

[music playing]

All: Push, push, push. Push, push, push. Push, push, push.

The Black Lotus

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

James Austin Johnson

Heidi Gardner

Punkie Johnson

Sarah Sherman

Aubrey Plaza

Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Chloe walking into a hotel]

Kenan: Welcome, ma’am, checking in?

Chloe: Yes, I am. It’s just- Oh, gosh, I forgot my credit card. I must have left it in the limousine. Is that okay? Can you trust me?

Kenan: No, I can’t.

Chloe: I’ll have it in a couple of hours.

Kenan: Well then come back in a couple of hours. All right? I don’t know you. I’m trying to run a business.

Male voice: Coming soon to HBO, Black Lotus. All the decadence, all the intrigue. None of the foolishnness.

James: These two ladies are going to be visiting me over the next couple of days. So if you just go ahead and give them a key.

Ego: Yes, sir. Ay William, give these whores a spare key to the room.

James: Could you please talk little quiet.

Ego: Okay, William, you see this man right here? He didn’t come with nobody so he wants these hoes to come and go as they please. Everybody, treat these house like their regular people.

Kenan: Sir, You do realize that giving them a key allows them to charge anything they want to the room?

James: Yes, it’s fine. It’s fine.

Kenan: Oh, it’s fine. Oh, okay, so you rich-rich then.

Male voice: Eight wealthy tourists, one luxury hotel and a staff with no time for this nonsense.

Punkie: Sir, will your friends be joining us or is he still upstairs fucking your wife? Hah! I got next.

Sarah: Can we borrow Vespa scooter overnight?

Kenan: Oh, we don’t have scooters, ma’am. But I could offer you the hotel’s 1999 Chrysler 300. A baby is the car back?

Aubrey: Why don’t you go look yourself?

Kenan: Because you as the last one to take it out.

Aubrey: Does he look like I’m still out?

Sarah: Jack is taking me out to the countryside today.

Ego: To the countryside? Didn’t you all just meet?

Sarah: Yeah. Crazy, right?

Michael: We’re going on an adventure.

Ego: How nice, y’all enjoy now okay? Bye-bye. He gonna kill her.

Kenan: Um-hmm.

Male voice: Guests that have everything. And a staff that’s had enough.

Chloe: Hi. Excuse me. I’m sorry. I’m having a bit of a crisis. Do you know where I can find your psychic or fortune teller?

Ego: A fortune teller? Not in here. This is Jesus’s house.

Marcello: I just can’t believe it. I give her $50,000 and she totally played me.

Aubrey: Oh my god. What is wrong with you? What did you think will happen? There’s plenty of hoes out there who’ve never slept with your papi at school. [foreign language] For that kind of money, I will let you take me for a throw but you will know what to do with a real ass.

Male voice: Black Lotus, each season at a new exotic location. Like Atlanta, Washington DC, and It’ly.

Heidi: Hey, beautiful. You’ll let me sing tonight. Right? I’m good. I promise I won’t let you down.

Ego: Oh, you want to sing? You think you can replace Kenny in the Kirk Franklin lounge?

Heidi: You know what? I think I’ll sit this one out.

Ego: I think that’d be best. Yeah.

Andrew: I paid for the Coppa suite, so I should get the Coppa suite. I don’t understand why that’s so damn hard?

Kenan: Sir, it’s like I told you. It’s just not available.

Andrew: Well then make it available, moron.

Aubrey: Oh no, you’re not gonna do that. No, no, no, no, no, no no. [Aubrey runs and hits Andrew] [foreign language]

Andrew: Oh my god.

Kenan: Welcome to Black Lotus bitch.

Male voice: Black Lotus, bring your hopes, bring your designers. Don’t you dare bring an attitude.

Police: Folks, found a body on the beach. Did anybody see anything?

Kenan: That ain’t none of my business.

Devon: I know nothing about that.

Police: So no one saw body wash up from the ocean?

Ego: is the ocean to hotel because I work at the hotel?

Male voice: Black Lotus, coming to HBO and Stars spring 2023.

Miss Universe

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Molly Kearney

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Chloe Fineman

Punkie Johnson

Aubrey Plaza

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Miss Universe pageant, brought to you by 80 for Brady, finally a movie for your mom that your mom won’t like.

[Cut to the show stage]
[cheers and applause]

Kenan: Alright, welcome back to Miss Universe, one of several shows still on the air where we rank women. But it’s not what you think. We do it based off of looks. Ladies, all right, anyway, we are down to our final seven contestants. Why don’t you remind everybody what country you’re representing?

Chloe: [yelling] Albania.

Ego: [yelling] Canada.

Molly: [yelling] Denmark.

Heidi: [yelling] Belgium.

Sarah: [yelling]  Israel.

Punkie: [yelling] Barbados.

Aubrey: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Alright. Lot of energy. Maybe too much energy. Well, it’s time for the interview round. I’ll ask a few questions and we’ll just go down the line. Okay? Favorite food.

Chloe: [yelling] Bread and pasta.

Ego: [yelling] Basmati rice.

Molly: [yelling] Hotdog.

Sarah: [yelling] Gum.

Heidi: [yelling] Sprite.

Punkie: [yelling] Uber Eats.

Aubrey: [yelling] Fries.

Kenan: Wow. Not sre that I made this clear. Didn’t think that I would have to. But you don’t need to scream every answer. Yeah. Also, Miss France, are you okay? All right. Next question. And you’ll have 45 seconds to respond. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Chloe: [yelling] Albania.

Ego: [yelling] Canada.

Molly: [yelling] Dead.

Kenan: Sorry, did you say dead?

Molly: [yelling] Skydiving accident sir.

Kenan: What? Alright, let’s just move on to the talent portion of the competition. Can’t wait to see what you prepared. Let’s pick it up with Miss Albania.

Chloe: [yelling] Tap dancing.

Molly: [yelling] Skydiving.

Heidi: [yelling] Tongue.

Aubrey: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Why would I have you say your talents? Or your brains broken? I mean, I heard you girls backstage having the most thoughtful conversations. Where did that go? [Aubrey walks to Kenan] Well, no, don’t come over here.

Aubrey: [yelling] Ahhh!

Kenan: Help? What do you need help with?

Aubrey: [yelling] Frog.

Kenan: You need help with France?

Aubrey: [yelling] Ahh!

Kenan: Just please go back. Okay. No Back this way. Thank you. Thank you very much. All right. Let’s just move on to the next question. And I don’t know why this is what it is but favorite TV episode? Miss Belgium.

Heidi: [yelling] Nip Tuck season one episode four where Sean and Christian perform an operation on an adult film star.

Kenan: No. You don’t have to summarize the plot.

Heidi: [yelling] And Kimber moves into a bigger condo. I miss Belgium.

Kenan: Miss Albania? You got a favorite memory that you could tell us?

Chloe: [yelling] Shakira Superbowl.

Kenan: The Shakira Superbowl halftime show? Were you there or something?

Chloe: [yelling] No.

Kenan: All right. You know what? Let’s just go to our judges who are inexplicably the Two Property Brothers and Tony Hawk.

[cheers and applause]

All right. All right judges, who is your pick?

Two Property Brothers: France, France.

Tony Hawk: [yelling] Tony Hawk!

Kenan: Wow, it really is the Property Brothers and Tony Hawk. That’s crazy. And fellas, why’d you take this gig?

Two Property Brothers: Bad with Money. I’m his twin.

Tony Hawk: [yelling] France.

Kenan: Alright. I can’t believe I’m saying this but the winner is Miss France. [Aubrey walks near Kenan] Alright. I don’t even want to ask but do you have anything that you want to say?

Aubrey: Don’t take the vaccine.

Kenan: Come on. Anything but that?

Aubrey: [yelling] Tony Hawk!

Kenan: It is Tony Hawk.

Minky

Jen Fonger-Ghang… Heidi Gardner

Minky Carmichael… Martin Short

Sarah Sherman

Punkie Johnson

Jada… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro of ‘How You Treat Your Man’ with Minky Carmichael]
[Cut to Jen in show set]

Jen: Ladies, let’s give it up for the King of the 90s, a man that keeps us in line and looking fine, Minky Carmichael.

[Minky walks in]

Minky: Wow. I’m feeling good. I am feeling good. Welcome to How To Treat your man with me Minkee Carmichael. The show to give advice to other fine females in there looking to land a man and keep his ass. As always, I’m joined by my sidekick, the beautiful Jen Fonger-Ghang.

Jen: I love Minky and I hate foolish women. I started drinking early.

Minky: Yes, you did. Now, would you look at all the beautiful ladies in the audience tonight? Who don’t know a damn thing about how to treat their man. Hit it.

[music playing]
[Jen and Minky start dancing]

Minky: Now, that’s how it is.

Jen: This is my church and Minky is my Priest.

Minky: That’s 100% true. Now, who’s got a question for me?

[The women in the audience are raising their hands]

Minky: Okay, white girl with a little head.

Sarah: Oh, me? Oh, okay. Well, hi Minky. So, after a first day, I didn’t sleep with the guy, right? Because I didn’t want to seem loose. But now he’s not calling me back. What did I do wrong?

Minky: Hmm. Let me consult with my relationship calculator. You went on a date. You didn’t put out. And that equals – Of course he’s not calling back. Hit it.

[music playing]
[Jen and Minky start dancing]

And that’s just how it is.

Sarah: Oh, come on, Minky.

Jen: He said what he said. Shut up.

Minky: Next question.

Ego: Minky, hi. Here’s what’s up. I was on a date and found porno in this guy’s VCR. Is that a red flag? What should I do?

Minky: Girl The only VCR I care about is a very cool rack. Slam it.

[music playing]
[Jen and Minky start dancing]

Jen: And that’s what? Just how it is.

Minky: That’s 100% true. Next.

Punkie: Hi, Mickey. Hi, um, here’s my problem. So I was flirting with this guy. And he gave me his number. But I never called him. Does that make me a bad person?

Minky: Uh, yep. Slam it.

[music playing]
[Jen and Minky start dancing]

I’ve never felt better my life. Next.

Jada: Yes. Hi everyone. I’m Jada.

Minky: No, no, no.

Jada: And I went on a date with Minky Carmichael.

Minky: Can we cut her mic?

Jada: Okay. And I gotta say, he had the worst penis I’ve ever seen.

Minky: Yeah, cut her mic now.

Jada: Now, I’m not trying to be mean but it looks like an espresso cup.

Minky: Man, she’s crazy. That is not 100% True. Anyone else have a question?

Ego: Yeah, I have a question. What was so horrible about Minky’s thing?

Jada: Okay, well the length was okay. Just felt like there was nothing inside.

Sarah: What do you mean by that?

Jada: Okay, like at certain point, he asked me “Do you want me to close it?”

Punkie: Oh, hold up? What was there to close?

Jada: I don’t know. But I would definitely describe it as open, like hollow, like a piece of penne.

Jen: Hey, Minky, sounds like you’re packing the worm from Dune.

Minky: You know what? Let me consult my bull crap detecting computer.

Jada: Hold up, Minky, because looks like I’m getting the fax. Oh my god, it’s from the penis hospital. They say you need an emergency appointment. Slam it.

[music playing]

Minky: No, I’m the one who slams it. You don’t slam it.

Jen: Oh, I’m hearing from the producers that we are out of time and canceled. Which means I gotta go back and finish high school. Bye y’all.