Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson Confirmation Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Ketanji Brown Jackson… Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

Thurgood Marshall… Kenan Thompson

Harriet Tubman… Punkie Johnson

Jackie Robinson… Chris Redd

[Starts with Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at the White House]

Joe Biden: Wow, what a day. Your speak was terrific, Ketanji. I’m sorry, I mean, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I bet you can’t say that three times fast.

Joe Biden: I’m shocked I was able to say it one time slow.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you, Mr. President. I’m so grateful, you put me your trust in me.

Joe Biden: Hey, I made a campaign promise to put a black woman on the court and I did. So that’s one campaign promise down and only 74 to go.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I was happy to do my part. Work twice as hard as a white man my entire life and then spend a week listening to Ted Cruz call me a pedophile.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Mr. President, the reception starts in five minutes.

Joe Biden: Thanks. I should go get ready. But Ketaji, it’s a big damn deal. You’re the first black female justice, but won’t be the last. It’s just a normal thing now, like wearing crocs in public?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you.

Joe Biden: Well, you know, take a moment in this room. Feel the weight of history. Sometimes I like to imagine talking to all the great Americans who came before me. You understand what I’m trying to say?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: That you miss Obama?

Joe Biden: Every day. Like crazy.

Chloe: Mr. President, we really really have to go.

Joe Biden: Okay. I’ll see you in a minute. Take your time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Wow. There is a lot of history in this room. Who would I want to talk to? I know.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg comes in]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Nice to meet you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, how is this possible?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: You tell me. It’s your imagination? All right. What do you wanna know?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I’d love to know what advice you have for me as a woman on the Supreme Court.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Okay. Here’s my advice. Always label your lunches. A lot of other justices, they got sticky fingers. And second, if you’re anything like me, white ladies will start wearing buttons to your face like ‘I Voted’ sticker. It’s freaky, but they mean well. Anyway, I just wants to say, I’m so proud of you. I know you can do a great job.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you. That means a lot.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: And look, I know your confirmation process put you through the wringer. But in the end, people do the right thing. I mean, I was confirmed with the Senate 96:3, right? So what was your vote?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: 53:47:fortyseven? Well, yeah, a lot of them walked out and one guy kept asking me if babies are racist.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ted Cruz

Ketanji Brown Jackson: You know, it was. You should have seen that man. He actually sat there on TV and read a children’s book at me.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Well, it was Ted Cruz. So I bet the book was called ‘Good night Cancun’, and that’s a Gins-Burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg leaves dancing] [Thurgood Marshall walks in]

Thurgood Marshall: Did I miss it? Did I miss the Gins-burn? Oh, dang.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Oh, my God, Justice Thurgood Marshall.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes, that’s exactly who you’re imagining. What an exciting day. We’ve come a long way.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thanks to you. You were on the frontlines of the civil rights movement?

Thurgood Marshall: Yep. Yep. I was there when people of color in this country came together with one voice and said enough is enough. And then white folks said, “We’ll, think about it.” But that was a different time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Some things are still sort of similar.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes? Is there the threat of nuclear war with Russia?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yes.

Thurgood Marshall: Inflation still popping off?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: For sure.

Thurgood Marshall: Is Joe Biden is still a politician?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Very much so. So what advice do you have for me as a person of color on the Supreme Court?

Thurgood Marshall: Well, never give up. Democracy can be slow and messy. It stumbles, but over time, it moves forward. I mean, I was the first black Supreme Court justice. So you must be what, the 10th? The 20th?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, just the third.

Thurgood Marshall: No further questions, your honor.

[Harriet Tubman walks in]

Harriet Tubman: Yeah, I have some questions.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Harriet Tubman?

Harriet Tubman: That’s right. Conductor of the Underground Railroad. My question is, what are we doing in the White House? Did we get in trouble?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Not at all. Actually, because of the bravery of women like you, a lot of doors opened up to a lot of people. I’m on the Supreme Court.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I have a seat at the table.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: And I’m going to have this job for the rest of my life.

Harriet Tubman: Don’t like that. Sounds like a trap.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no, no, it’s not like that.

Harriet Tubman: Okay, okay. But if it is, light two candles and meet me in a farmhouse at midnight.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no.I’m good. I’m just excited to get to work. But I would like to talk to one more person who broke down a barrier.

[Jackie Robinson walks in]

Jackie Robinson: Well, that’s me, Jackie Robinson. First black player in the Major Leagues and let me tell you, being the first is kind of fun. Yeah, it’s fun. Here’s my advice, watch out for batteries. You will get so many batteries thrown at you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yeah, I think the Supreme Court is too civilized for that.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s what they said about baseball. But they still do those damn batteries. Wish we had helmets back then, ha-ha-ha. But the good news is you’ll probably be making a lot more money than a measly a baseball player.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I wish. Baseball players today average about $Ruth Bader Ginsburg million a year.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, excuse me for a second. [covers his face with the gloves and screams out loud] Thank you. I’ve been holding it in since 1947.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thank you all for your advice. It’s a lot of pressure but I will do everything I can to honor your legacy.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s great. So even the bad players the millionaires?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yep.

Jackie Robinson: Ain’t that something?

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Couples Counselor

Ted… Jake Gyllenhaal

Melissa Villaseñor

Dr. Wyatt… Punkie Johnson

Girlfriend… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a couple in couple’s therapy]

Ted: Well, you did it. You got me to couples therapy. Let’s see if this works.

Melissa: I promise it will Ted. She’s the highest rated therapist on ZocDoc. This will be good for us.

[Dr. Wyatt walks in]

Dr. Wyatt: I am so sorry about that. I was just on a call. I am Dr. Wyatt. Tell me what brings you in here today?

Melissa: I’m just not sure if Ted really loves me anymore. He’s always locked in his basement reading anime.

Ted: It’s manga, sweetie. It’s only the most important art form of the MelissaTedst century.

Melissa: What about me, Ted? Am I important?

Dr. Wyatt: Guys, let’s try to work together instead of attacking each other. Okay? [phone ringing] I’m sorry. Do you mind if I take this? [answering the phone] Bitch I told you not to call me while I’m working. Oh really? Oh, you gonna shoot me? Well, I’d like to see your try. Come through bitch. It’s on site. [hangs up the phone] Now, as I was saying, it is all about communication.

Ted: I’m sorry. Did somebody just threaten to shoot you?

Dr. Wyatt: No, no. She doesn’t even know where I work. Have you always been afraid of conflict?

Ted: Well, I wouldn’t put it like that. I mean, I– [Dr. Wyatt’s phone ringing again] Well, you need to get that?

Dr. Wyatt: No, this is your time. Please continue.

Ted: I mean, I guess I don’t love conflict. And my father was an angry guy. Especially if he was drinking.

Dr. Wyatt: Okay, I– Actually I do have to take this. But hold that thought because anger is never the answer. [answering the phone] Yeah, hoe, where you at? Okay, cuz I’m at 453 Union Street, 5th floor. And there’s three of us in here. And we all strapped. [hangs up the phone] Now where were we?

Melissa: Well, honey, what’s strapped? Are we strapped?

Ted: No, no, we are not. Should we leave?

Dr. Wyatt: Absolutely not. Matter of fact, this is the perfect opportunity to practice expressing our emotions. [couple of text message notifications] Let’s try an exercise. Okay. Why don’t you read these texts to me from my partner and tell me how you would respond.

[Dr. Wyatt hands over the phone to Ted to read the text messages]

Ted: Okay, fine. [making voice] Girl.

Dr. Wyatt: No. Don’t do that voice.

Ted: Okay. Girl, you think you’re the only one selling fish out in the streets? But I don’t need your stinky tuna when I get a beach full of fresh pink salmon every time it rains. I’m a bring a gun to your office. Okay, I’m calling the police.

Dr. Wyatt: Ha-ha-ha. She’s not serious. [someone’s knocking the door] Oh lord, hit the floor.

Melissa: Oh my god. I thought you said she wasn’t serious.

Dr. Wyatt: She’s not.

[Girlfriend walks in with a water gun]

Girlfriend: What’s good, bitch! Now, everybody’s getting super stoked.

Dr. Wyatt: Oh, no, baby. This is my work week. What is this all about?

Girlfriend: I don’t know. Maybe you should ask Clarissa. Ain’t that who you’ve been texting?

Dr. Wyatt: I haven’t been texting nobody.

Ted: [looking at the phone] Actually, you did text Clarissa.

Girlfriend: That’s it. I’m about to get my real gun.

Dr. Wyatt: No, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait. Can you open the Clarissa texts and read her what I said?

Ted: Me? Okay, sure. [making voice] Girl.

Girlfriend: Do not do the voice.

Dr. Wyatt: Don’t do that.

Ted: Fine. Girl you think I want your two day old cat fish when the tilapia I get at home is so wet, it makes the river jealous. Lose this number or I’ll set your car on fire. Okay I don’t want to read these out loud anymore.

Girlfriend: Baby, that’s what you were saying to her?

Dr. Wyatt: Yes, baby.

Girlfriend: Okay. Well then, I got a little text for you. [Girlfriend sends a text message to Dr. Wyatt]

Dr. Wyatt: [to Ted] Could you read that to me?

Ted: Or she could say it to you.

Dr. Wyatt: Oh come on, please.

Girlfriend: Read the damn text.

Ted: Fine. Girl–

Dr. Wyatt: Wait! Give me the voice.

Ted: [making voice] Girl, why we catfish when our love is the whole damn ocean? [looking at Melissa] Deep and wide and wet as hell.

Melissa: Oh Ted, is that how you really feel?

Ted: I think so.

Dr. Wyatt: [clapping] Oh my god. I think we have made a lot of progress here today.

Melissa: You did all this to help us on purpose?

Dr. Wyatt: Yeah. Let’s just go with that. Okay, that will be $675, no insurance, cash only.

Girlfriend: Or else…

Cupid Shuffle

Daniel… John Mulaney

Lisa… Ego Nwodim

DJ… Kenan Thompson

Tanitra… Punkie Johnson

[Daniel and Lisa walk in the door to Robinson family reunion]

Daniel: Oh gosh, should we have brought food? I don’t know how these things work.

Lisa: Oh, honey, it’s your first reunion. It’s fine. My family loves you.

Daniel: Really? They love that you’re married to the guy who was LL Bean’s customer of the year?

Lisa: Yes! Yes Just be yourself.

DJ: Alright, alright, alright. Hello everybody. I just want to welcome y’all to the Robinson family reunion. Yes, indeed. We’re gonna have a good time. We’re gonna have a good time. I want everybody to get on out here. Now, it’s time for the cupid shuffle y’all.

[Everyon’es wearing same blue t-shirts while Daniel and Lisa aren’t]

Lisa: Wow. Everyone’s wearing T shirts. Did you know about this?

[when Lisa looks at Daniel, he has already worn the t-shirt.]

Daniel: Yeah. They didn’t send you one in the mail?

DJ: Common, y’all.

[singing] It don’t matter if you’re young or old
We’re gonna show you how it goes
to the right, to the right, to the right, to the right

to the left, to the left, to the left, to the left
now, walk it by yourself, yeah, walk it by yourself

Daniel: How many members of your family are here. I feel like they’re all staring at me.

Lisa: Oh my god. They’re not. I promise.

DJ:To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right
to the left, to the left, to the left, to the left
Jordan dunk, Jordan dunk, Jordan dunk, Jordan dunk
Now push it like LeBron, yeah, push it like LeBron

Lisa: Okay, you know, I’m not really sure I know this version of the cupid shuffle.

Daniel: Oh, this here, this is the Atlanta two piece and a biscuit remix.

DJ: Something stink, something stink, something stink, something stink
fold your tuppleware, yeah, fold your tuppleware

Lisa: You know, it’s crazy to think I used to take baths with all these people.

Tanitra: Oh, Daniel, you’re here!

Daniel: Oh, Tanitra. Hey, yeah, this is my wife Lisa.

Tanitra: Oh, hey Lisa. I think we cousins girl, but me and Daniel, we old friends.

Daniel: That’s right. We used to play all day as kids. We just had to be home when the street lights came on. That it. How’s that hotel you’re staying in.

Tanitra: It’s pretty nice, but they didn’t give us no washcloth.

Daniel: What? Who showers without a washcloth?

Tanitra: I know. They super nasty. Alright, Daniel. We still going to Essence Fest this year, right?

Daniel: Oh yeah, I reserved a seat for a live taping of Ayala fix my life.

Tanitra: Alright, then. I’mma holla at ya’ll, alright? I got to make sure they don’t stay close.

Daniel: Yeah, you can’t let that good air out now.

Lisa: Wait. You’re going to Essence Fest?

Daniel: Yeah, I got you a ticket too.

DJ: Call the cops, call the cops, call the cops, call the cops
Yeah, it’s gonna be a while, yeah, it’s gonna be a while,
Playing spades, playing spades, playing spades, playing spades
Yeah, how many books you got, yeah, how many books you got

Lisa: Wait, you brought cards?

Daniel: Yeah. Lisa, common. It’s a family reunion.

Uncle Bonk: Oh, there he is. I heard you was here, Daniel.

Daniel: Oh-oh! Now it’s a party.

Lisa: Wait, you know my uncle Bonk?

Daniel: Well, sure. But I know him as Mr. Robinson. How’s your knee doing sir?

Uncle Bonk: All better. I put a little robitussin on it

Daniel: Works every time. It’s good to see you here. I wasn’t sure if that COVID would keep you away.

Uncle Bonk: Well, I got vaccinated but don’t tell nobody.

Daniel: Yeah, I hear you. I got vaxed too, but it would break my mamma’s heart if she knew I took her government needles.

Uncle Bonk: I hear that. Oh-oh! I gotta go, Daniel. They got me watching my little nephew, always acting up.

Daniel: That child’s promise he’s got no home training.

Uncle Bonk: Yeah. And he needs to stay out of grown folks’ business before he get whipped!

Lisa: See Daniel? I told you everybody loves you.

Daniel: Oh! I only know like Lisa0 or 30 people here, top.

DJ: To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right
to the left, to the left, to the left, to the left
gonna fight, gonna fight, gonna fight, gonna fight
now, rub some vasseline, yeah, rub some vasseline

Alright, great job, everybody. And now, it is time for the Soul Train line.

Daniel: Oh my god. No, no, no. I didn’t know this was happening.

Lisa: Listen honey, you do not have to do it.

Daniel: No. I wouldn’t. I don’t think that’d be appropriate unless–

[Daniel immediately starts dancing]

DJ: Now, walk it by yourself, now walk it by yourself

Office Song

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

Jeremiah… Willem Dafoe

Punkie Johnson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a group of employees in their office]

Heidi: Okay, gang, these are all the files for the Innotech case. We’re looking for any transactions that point to funneling of funds into improper overseas accounts.

Melissa: These files go back six years. This is gonna take all night.

Andrew: I mean, if we’re lucky.

Kyle: Guys, I’m sorry. There’s nothing we can do. But I did ask our new temp, Jeremiah, to order pizza.

Jeremiah: Done and done boss. I hope 24 biggies are enough.

Punkie: It seems like plenty, Jeremiah. Yo. And I think it’s great that you’re reentering the workforce at your age.

Jeremiah: Well, thank you ma’am. Retirement wasn’t for me. So I thought what the heck? I don’t know. I’m excited.

Heidi: Okay, well, come on everybody. Grab a box and dig in. The clock’s ticking. We might as well get started.

Andrew: Great.

[Andrew starts to play a beat with his pencil on the desk]

Punkie: Okay. Okay. Wait.

[Punkie makes clicking sounds with the stapler] [Melissa makes tinging sound with the glass] [Jeremiah is looking around smiling. He’s enjoying.]

Heidi: [singing] Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: I like that.

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: Oh yeah!

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: Oh yeah!

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Andrew: Pumpada-pumpada-pow

Kyle: In the jungle, the mighty jungle
the lion sleeps tonight

Kyle and Melissa: In the jungle, the quiet jungle
the lion sleeps tonight

[Jeremiah getting too excited throws a chair out of the window breaking the glass.] do not eat in the jungle the quiet jungle

Heidi: Jerimiah!

Punkie: Why did you do that?

Jeremiah: I was trying to join in. I thought it would bounce off the window and make a cool sound.

Andrew: We’re 15 stories up, man. He’s gonna kill someone.

Heidi: What were you gonna do? Throw another chair every eight bar?

Jeremiah: Well, if it sounded cool, I would have.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Ay, who threw a damn chair out this damn building?

Melissa: I’m sorry sir. Our temp had a little bit of a mishap.

Kenan: A mishap? Man, that chair just crushed my brand new Mercedes S class.

Jeremiah: We were signing an impromptu songs sir. Made it up on the spot. Then someone threw a chair. Do we remember who? Who did that?

Kenan: Man! You did a million dollars worth of damage.

Andrew: Sir, please. Look, I know this is bad. But it is his first day. Remember my first day? I was so nervous. I kept calling you daddy. You gave me a second chance.

Heidi: He’s got a point sir. What do you say?

Kenan: Hmm. I’m gonna regret this. But I’ll see you all here tomorrow.

[The next day]

Kenan: All right, let’s see it.

Andrew: Okay, Jeremiah. You can do this. Ready?

[They try to teach Jeremiah how to make sounds using office tools. But Jeremiah mistakenly throws the table top name plate at Heidi and she falls out of the window.]

All: Oh my god!

Kenan: No, no, it’s okay. It’s okay. She’s okay. She’s hanging on the ledge.

Jeremiah: I’ll throw another chair to help her climb out.

All: Jeremiah, no!

Kenan: Put the chair down.

Andrew: The worst temp ever!

Jail Ad SNL

Abby Pudd… Willem Dafoe

Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

[Starts with 1 narrating the ad]

Abby Pudd: Done something wrong? Gotten yourself in a pickle or a jam? And now you have to go to jail?  Don’t. People in there are so mean. So, come on down to Nice Jail. I invented it. It’s like regular jail but nice. Hi. My name is Amy Pudd– Abby Pudd. And I’m the founder of, and warden of, Nice Jail. Why make a nice jail? Because I went to actual jail once and frankly, people were mean. My cellmate took one look at me and said, “Oh, hell, no. I ain’t sharing no cell with your vampire-head ass.” Then, later, he said, “Why are you in bed, Dracula? You know y’all don’t sleep at night with your vampire-head ass.” That kind of thing would never happen at Nice Jail. I guarantee it. But don’t take it from me. Take it from one of our satisfied inmates.

Andrew: After I got arrested for public intoxication, I was scared to go to jail. So, I served 10 days at Nice Jail and no one was mean to me. Later, when I went to court, the judge told me that none of it counted. And then my lawyer said, “Who told you to do that?” I said, this guy named Abby who was standing in front of the DMV. “And then my lawyer turned to the judge and gave him a look like, “Can you believe this?” And the judge just shook his head like I was so stupid, it was causing him pain. Thanks, Nice Jail.

Abby Pudd: No, thank you. Now, as that observant young man noticed, legally speaking, Nice Jail doesn’t count. And, no, you can’t choose to come here instead of going to mean jail. So, you might be asking yourself, “Why would I go to Nice Jail?” There are so many reasons. You got released from real jail but think you could use a little more time. You did something wrong but no one knows yet. You always wanted to go to an escape room but you don’t like puzzles. You don’t want someone holding a mirror up to your face and asking, “Why does your vampire head-ass have a reflection?” Does that answer your question? If it doesn’t, here’s another glowing review.

Punkie: So, I came to Dallas thinking I had booked a room at the Marriott. Then, I got there and this guy Abby told me he bought the place and changed the name to Nice Jail. Then, he told me something about how no one here is gonna pass you in a cafeteria on Garlic Bread Day, knock down your tray and say, “I just saved your vampire-head ass. You’re welcome!” Anyway, I stayed in Nice Jail for three days and Abby kept in touch. Like,  a lot. Which I guess is nice.

Abby Pudd: It’s not just nice. It’s Nice Jail. And I keep in touch with all my former inmates, even the ones who have done something bad that no one knows about yet. Here are other nice things you can expect about Nice Jail. Compliments. Time to yourself. No one asking, “Where are your fangs with your vampire-head ass?” Dignity. Business center. No one coming up to you when you’re working in the library and saying, “Hey, we saw a bat on the yard. That was you, right?” And then you’re like, “How could that be me? I’m not a bat, and I’m in the library.” And then they’re like, “Quit lyin’ with your vampire-head ass. How come you don’t just fly out of jail?” And you’re like, “Don’t you think I would if I could?” I promise, that will never happen at Nice Jail. Even our staff is nice.

Chris: I was hired to run clerical matters here at Nice Jail, and it is a mess. The government pays for regular jail, but I’m pretty sure no one pays for this. Like, I don’t think Abby even bought the building. There’s no water, and he pays me in “I live here.” One time I asked for time off and he said, “That’s not nice. Why are you being mean to my vampire-head ass?” Seems like he’s really internalized this whole vampire thing. Anyways, I’m pretty sure the city will shut us down soon.

Abby Pudd: I’d like to see them try. So, come on down to Nice Jail! And remember…

All: It doesn’t count.

Male voice: Nice Jail. Seriously, it doesn’t count.

Dog Show

Judas Chrysler…Willem Dafoe

Miriam Jeans… Aidy Bryant

Jane Bosworth… Kate McKinnon

Mickey Bosworth… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Fighters, barkers, humpers and shakers. Live from the Cujo arena, it’s the Bedminster dog show.

[Cut to Judas Chrysler and Miriam Jeans in their show set]

Judas Chrysler: Hello, I’m Judas Chrysler.

Miriam Jeans: And I’m Miriam Jeans. Dogs, they’re just like us. Some of them by kids.

Judas Chrysler: That’s correct. This show celebrates those canine freaks who prevent their owners from having company or intimacy.

Miriam Jeans: Today is for them.

Judas Chrysler: Here come on judges, Jane Bosworth and Mickey Bosworth.

Miriam Jeans: They run a desert based dog ranch that’s either an animal rescue or a hoarding situation.

Judas Chrysler: The dogs know not to mess with them, and frankly, neither would I. And here’s our first competitor. From the shaking group, it’s Luna.

Miriam Jeans: Now Luna hates the sound beat. And if she hears it, she will try and climb up to your hair. For her the 4th of July is a war. And the only safe space is behind the toilet.

Judas Chrysler: Luna is also scared of plastic bags, men in hats, pineapples, balloons, the Netflix startup sound, her owners being in two separate rooms, and this is embarrassing, the sound of spoken Spanish.

Miriam Jeans: And she also has what the vet calls tangy Vagina.

Judas Chrysler: A vet said that?

Miriam Jeans: Yes, she did. Let’s go to the judges.

Jane Bosworth: All right, tell us about Luna.

Owner: If her favorite blanket is not fluff correctly, she will cry real tears until I fix it. If my boyfriend comes home and he is near sitting me sitting on the couch, she will scream until he leaves. My life is hell and I miss my friends.

Mickey Bosworth: That’s good.

Jane Bosworth: Yes, take her around. No. No.

Mickey Bosworth: Don’t clap.

Jane Bosworth: Do not clap. If these dogs hear any sound, they will kill themselves.

Mickey Bosworth: Please do not clap.

Judas Chrysler: A reminder from the judges not to clap.

Miriam Jeans: Yes. And next from the mean group, it’s Pigeon.

Judas Chrysler: Pigeon is the sexual predator. He’s been banned from every dog park in the state of Nevada.

Miriam Jeans: The vet called him not welcome here and the groomer called him manipulative.

Judas Chrysler: Pigeon once tripped an old lady on purpose.

Miriam Jeans: His owner said quote “It looked like an accident but I swear to God, I saw him laugh.” Let’s check in with the judges.

Mickey Bosworth: Well, what is Pigeons daily routine?

Owner: Well, he wakes me up at five by biting my feet. Then he goes in the hamper, grabs my girlfriend’s underwear, drags it under the dining room table and barks aggressively.

Jane Bosworth: I see. And why did you choose this monster?

Owner: Oh, well, when we first got him he was so quiet. Turns out he was just traumatized. This is bad to say but I missed that version of him.

Miriam Jeans: Wow. Now, Judas, it says here that you and I are married. Isn’t that right?

Judas Chrysler: That is right. And now we do this.

Miriam Jeans: Ha-ha-ha. Yes. Well, from the non walking group, it’s Blueberry.

Owner: Sorry. Blueberry. Come on. Blueberry, please. I’m not picking you up. We flew here. Blueberry you grounded a flight.

Judas Chrysler: Blueberry once slipped on a tile floor and it permanently made him insane.

Miriam Jeans: Yeah. He will only poop in the middle of the street and he is medically unable to be in a car.

Judas Chrysler: And to be clear, blueberry can walk. He just chooses not to.

Miriam Jeans: Amazing, truly pointless.

Judas Chrysler: And lastly, from the Medical Group, it’s Gizmo.

Miriam Jeans: Now Gizmo has bad feet, bad skin, bad teeth, bad anal glands and a bad brain. The total package.

Judas Chrysler: He’s allergic to anything that is or isn’t duck. Judges squinting at something on his tummy.

Jane Bosworth: Alright. Can you tell us about his weird little penis?

Owner: Yes. His weird little dog penis is too big for his frame. So, when he bends down a certain way, it gets stuck outside his body for hours. And it dries out so won’t go back in. And it has to be lubricated and reinserted by veterinary several times a week. I hate saying that and I say it a lot.

Jane Bosworth: Thank you.

Miriam Jeans: Well?

Judas Chrysler: Looks like the judges are about to announce the winner. Let’s take a moment to thank our sponsor Thunder Shirt.

Miriam Jeans: Thunder Shirts, squeeze your stupid dog with Thunder shirt.

Jane Bosworth: The winner will take home the golden bathroom trash along with a lifetime supply of buffalo chicken bones from the sidewalk.

Mickey Bosworth: Yes. And the winner is Gizmo.

[cheers and applause]

Gizmo’s owner: No! No! Don’t get excited. Just put it back in. Aw! Gizmo!

Judas Chrysler: Hey, if you’ve got it, flaunt it.

Miriam Jeans: Yeah. Cut away. Goodnight.

Pastor Announcement

Harold… Kenan Thompson

Pastor… Jonathan Majors

Carolyn… Ego Nwodim

Corinne… Aidy Bryant

Christine… Melissa Villaseñor

George… Chris Redd

Punkie Johnson

Travis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Pastor at a church podium]

Harold: You get what you give
and it’s all how you use it

[Pastor and Carolyn walk forward]

Pastor: Wow. Wow. Thank you, Herold, for that beautiful rendition of god is a DJ by P.

Carolyn: Um-hmm. And it’s our honor and pleasure to welcome you to the first damn Baptist Church.

Pastor: I am Pastor JR Jr. and this is my wife Carolyn. We’re so glad to be with you today.

Carolyn: And it’s so good to see you again, sister Corinne. You’re looking much better.

Corinne: Thank you. I had a facelift.

Pastor: Now, the First Lady and I have an announcement because we have no secrets in this church. Can I get an Amen?

All: Amen.

Carolyn: Now, we have shared 24 beautiful years of marriage. And also last year. Can I get an oh no?

All: Oh, no.

Pastor: That’s right. Till death do us part. And since I can’t kill this woman, I have decided that we are going to open up our marriage.

Carolyn: That’s right. Hallelu-we-are open for business.

Pastor: And it’s hard. It’s hard to talk about in front of the congregation, not because it’s wrong, but because we are only romantically interested in some of you.

Carolyn: Those people have already been notified via perfumed invitation. If you did not receive an invitation. I’m sorry, it’s gonna be a no for me, dog.

Harold: Well, what the hell is wrong with me?

Pastor: Harold, I’m sorry. We just don’t see you that way.

Harold: Well, I am shocked.

Christine: I’m excited to maybe date you guys. So how will this work?

Pastor: We’ll be on many apps. For example, Tinder.

Carolyn: Grindr.

Pastor: Hinge.

Carolyn: Google Earth.

Pastor: Angie’s List.

Carolyn: Coffee Meets Penis.

Pastor: And anyone can invite us to Raya, please do.

Harold: Well, I’m on Raya.

Carolyn: No, you’re not, Harold.

Harold: You right.

George: I have a question. Um, open marriage? Is that what I have?

Pastor: No, George, you are just cheating on your wife.

George: Well, do you think she knows?

Punkie: Well, I do now.

Pastor: If you’re wondering where all this came from, we were talking about our hall passes, and she said hers was Barack Obama.

Carolyn: Then he said his list Travis who sings bass in the church choir.

Pastor: And she said, “You know what? I want to change mine to Travis.”

Travis: Wait. I’m Travis.

Carolyn: Correct. It’s something about you. You’re weird, but in a sexy way.

Travis: Aw. Amen.

Pastor: I’m shocked. You’re also engaged right now because certainly some of us are preaching and I don’t get a “Yes, Pastor”, not a “Amen, Pastor.”

Christine: [wearing her lipstick] Yes, Pastor.

Pastor: Christine. Did you just put on a bunch of lipstick?

Christine: That depends. Do you like it?

Carolyn: Now, what are y’all even doing?

Corinne: [showing her cleavage] Well, my shirt fell down.

George: [showing his stomach] My shirt rolled up.

Carolyn: Alright. Now, y’all just being thirsty.

Pastor: Don’t throw it at us. Why don’t you go around and tell us why you think you should be our first.

Harold: [standing] Alright.

Carolyn: Harold, you wanna sit your ass down.

Pastor: We value your friendship too much.

Harold: I know what that means. Friendzoned by my pastor.

Pastor: You know, actually before y’all answer, why don’t we tell you what we’re into. So, here’s a list of the role plays we enjoy. Doctor-nurse.

Carolyn: Girl dog-boy dog.

Pastor: Baseball manager and umpire in a fight.

Carolyn: Jenna and Hodor.

Corinne: But, do you mean Hoda?

Carolyn: I sure don’t.

Pastor: Now, in terms of lovemaking.

Carolyn: Positions we enjoy include missionary. List is over. You have to know we are pastors.

Harold: You sure? Coz I’ve got these nimble organ fingers.

Carolyn: Harold, shut your ass up. You have one job, play the organ.

Harold: One day I’m gonna walk out that door and you are going to miss this.

Carolyn: No. Alright. Well, we got to go ahead and wrap this up. We’ve got our first date with a nice lady who works at a chicken fillet. And today his holiday off it’s Sunday.

Pastor: Can I get my freak on?

All: Freak on! Amen.

March of the Suitors

Assistant… Mikey Day

Queen… Chloe Fineman

Thomas… Kyle Mooney

Rafi… Andrew Dismukes

Josephine… Cecily Strong

Milk Maker… Heidi Gardener

Lady Eloise… Aidy Gardner

Prince Harwey… Jonathan Majors

Archanbald… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Tawnie… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the History Channel. At nine it’s “Pardon My Reich: Hitler’s Personal Waiters”. Now we return to “Forgotten Monarchs”.

Male voice: Queen Matilda the First assumed the throne at the age of 19. Within days of a coronation, the search for husband began with a tradition known as the march of the suitors.

[Cut to queen with her assistants.]

Assistant: My queen, men of both noble and common blood have come from far and wide to win your hand. Are you ready to greet your suitors?

Queen: Um, sure.

Assistant: The Queen says sure. [claps] And now let the march begin. First, oh dear, how uncomfortable my leash, presenting the Queen’s guy friend who’s in love with her, but she doesn’t like him in that way. Thomas of Sneed Lo.

[Thomas walks in]

Thomas: Wow, you look gorgeous

Queen: I told you Thomas. I don’t like you like that.

Thomas: At least tell me what I could change about myself for you to consider marrying me.

Queen: I mean, literally all of it.

Thomas: Okay, I can work with that. Hey, remember our inside joke? Strawberry food.

Queen: No. Thomas. Please just go.

Assistant: No. Next, oh, a commoner my leash. Presenting peasant boy Rafi Buckets and his dirty mother Josephine Buckets.

[Rafi Buckets and his mother walk in]

Josephine: Well, I will not tell you, miss. My son Rafi I know so much. He poor and dumb and filthy. But this idiot got a huge sausage. We figure it out when he wasn’t even born. Alright, the milk maker too. She’s seen it.

Milk Maker: It’s crazy, my lady. Thank you, my lady.

Josephine: Do you wanna take a peek? Drop your pants loose, boy. Show him.

Lady Eloise: Oh! Behold! The new king of England!

Queen: No. No. No. No. It takes more than that to win my heart. Farewell.

Lady Eloise: My grace. No one has more than that.

Assistant: Lady Eloise! Next from the Moroccan shores, presenting the mighty warrior Prince, Harwey, the conqueror.

[Prince Harwey walks in with Archanbald playing the drums]

Archanbald: All hail. Prince Harwey.

Prince Harwey: Your Majesty. As your king, I will spoil you with Rich’s, loyalty and of course, pleasure.

Archanbald: Prince Harwey, the great satisfier of women.

TawnieEgo: I’ll be damned. I’m sorry, your Highness. This isn’t a rich Prince. This is my dumbass husband, Dave. A two cans salesman with six kids.

Assistant: Shall I send them away my leash?

Queen: No. Let them say. I love the drama.

Ego: So, what’s up Dave? You got a seven year itch? So you’re joining the march of the damn suttas? Dressed up in a stupid ass BONE ARMOR and get your idiot best friend and bang a drum and call you mighty Prince Harwey?

Archanbald: Um, Prince Harwey?

Ego: Shut up, Archanbald. What the hell are you doing Dave?

Prince Harwey: Being stupid.

Ego: Yeah, being stupid. That’s all you have to say?

Prince Harwey: You look pretty.

Ego: Boy, shut up. We’re going home prince Who-Ha, great satisfier of women. This way. I’m gonna satisfy really.

Assistant: My leash. Next, presenting lady Tawnie of Milford Shile.

[Tawnie walks in]

Tawnie: Love. I noticed a long shot but I thought, “Hey, you know, this girl cute as hell, man.” I might as well just moss my lazy ass all down to the castle and see if she down to clown around.

Queen: I know I like boys. But whenever I have wine I always end up making out with my girlfriends.

Lady Eloise: She does. It’s a thing.

Queen: So, come to the world feasts tonight and we’ll see what happens. Yeah?

Tawnie: Well, this day just got nuts.

Male voice: When we return the story of Mad Queen Tawnie The Terrible

Weatherman

Sherman Bell… Kenan Thompson

Katie Williams… Cecily Strong

Beth Bennington… Punkie Johnson

Todd Baxter… Andrew Dismukes

Riley Cole… Kieran Culkin

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Wake up Rhode Island.

[Cut to Sherman Bell and Katie Williams in their set]

Sherman Bell: Good morning, folks. Sherman Bell alongside Katie Williams.

Katie Williams: Coming up, we’ll hear from Beth Bennington who is down at Cohassett beach with an Eagle Scout on an important mission.

[Cut to Beth Bennington. She is standing with scout members]

Beth Bennington: That’s right, Katie. This is Todd Baxter. And Todd, tell us what we’re doing down here.

Todd Baxter: Well, myself and these boy scouts will be picking up trash at the beach all day, right guys?

Boy Scouts: Yeah.

Sherman Bell: That’s wonderful. Can’t wait to hear more about that.

Katie Williams: Me too. But first, let’s take a look at the weather with Riley Cole.

[Riley Cole comes in a split screen. He’s wearing turkey costume.]

Riley Cole: Hey, guys.

Katie Williams: Oh my goodness, Riley. What are you wearing?

Riley Cole: Um, who’s Riley? I’m Turkey Tom.

Sherman Bell: Oh. Turkey Tom, he says. Look, he’s even changed the graphic.

Katie Williams: And why is Turkey Tom honoring us with his presence today?

Riley Cole: Well, because today was the first day that the thermometer dropped below 40. And you know what that means? Time for a fall rap.

Sherman Bell: Oh boy. Here we go.

[music playing]

Riley Cole: [rapping] The leaves are turning all around
and the grass is turning brown
the wind is getting colder and the–

[He’s still rapping and dancing, but he’s been muted. There’s alert sound going on.]

Male voice: This is a Rhode Island weather alert. A severe storm is approaching. Evacuation orders are in place for flood zones one through four. Take only what is necessary. Leave all pets behind. Life threatening winds and flooding expected. May God have mercy on your souls.

Katie Williams: Okay, folks. So, obviously we have a severe weather situation. Riley, how did we not see this storm coming?

Riley Cole: [reading his papers] Well, I was working on the rap all last night. The costume and lyrics, that kind of thing. So, I am a little behind on my weather reports. So, my bad. But now I am seeing. Yeah, yeah. This is a big one. I should have caught it. I apologize for that.

Katie Williams: Okay. Well, why don’t we go to commercial so you can change into something more appropriate?

Riley Cole: Yeah. Well, I would love to but the the Doppler says the landfall could be any minute now. So, let’s take a look at the radar here. [there’s weather graphic behind him] Okay, well, this is the biggest nor’easter that I have ever seen. Let’s see. This is a large fast moving storm. [his funny graphics appear on the storm news] Yeah, sorry. The turkeys were part of the rap. There’s this lyric about how turkeys hate November because the Thanksgiving.

Sherman Bell: Ha-ha. Yeah, you know they do. Ha-ha-ha.

Riley Cole: But anyway, you can see behind the turkeys here. The winds are now reaching– Oh, wow. 190 miles an hour.

Katie Williams: Riley?

Riley Cole: Oh, that is very dangerous.

Katie Williams: Riley?

Riley Cole: Yeah. Yeah.

Katie Williams: Take the turkey off your head.

Sherman Bell: Katie, let’s be reasonable. Now, Turkey Tom–

Katie Williams: Don’g call him that.

Sherman Bell: Katie, please. Turkey Tom, could we be looking at structural damage from these winds?

Riley Cole: More than damage, I think some areas could be completely flattened. We should expect many, many casualties.

Katie Williams: Just take the turkey hat off.

Sherman Bell: Boo! Ha-ha-ha.

Riley Cole: Yeah, maybe I should, right?

Katie Williams: Great. And while you do that, we’ll go to Beth Bennington on Cohassett. Beth, any sign of the storm down there?

[Cut to Beth Bennington. She is in the storm all soaked and shaken]

Beth Bennington: Yes.

Katie Williams: Oh, wow. Beth where are the boy scouts?

Beth Bennington: The sea took them.

Katie Williams: Oh my god. Okay, Riley. Well, I see you still have the turkey headpiece on?

Riley Cole: I do. Yes. I decided to keep it on in case you want to hear the rest of the rap after the storm.

Katie Williams: Don’t.

Sherman Bell: Boo!

Riley Cole: No, that’s fair. I’m sorry, I look like this. I’m also very sorry that I missed the storm.

Sherman Bell: Hey, that’s not on you.

Katie Williams: yes, it absolutely is. Okay, Let’s go to commercial so Riley can change. Keep it here for more as this dangerous storm develops.

Sherman Bell: And later we’ll hear from a local boy scout troop who is cleaning up the beach.

Dionne Warwick Talk Show- Ed Sheeran, Dionne Warwick and More

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Brittany… Punkie Johnson

Miley Cyrus…. Chloe Fineman

Dr. Nathan… Andrew Dismukes

Jason Mraz… Kieran Culkin

Ed Sheeran

Post Malone… Pete Davidson

Dionne Warwick

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: She’s an iconic singer and she’s always got a zinger. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Wow. Yes. Hello. Hello. And welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I host and other people come here. And then they leave and so do I. Thanks as always to my producer and my niece Brittany.

[Cut to Brittany.]

Brittany: Love you aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Now, I’d like to start today’s show with a special announcement. I have some very personal news to share with all of you.

[music playing] [singing] Raindrops Keep falling on my head.
But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turning red
Alright. Thank you. Thank you. Please welcome our first guest, Miley Cyrus.

[Miley Cyrus walks in]

Miley Cyrus: Hi, it’s awesome to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah, alright. Yeah. You recently post topless for a magazine cover. That’s why I’d like to give you this Hussey award I made. [gives her the award] You are Hussey of the month.

Miley Cyrus: Oh, number one, Hussey. Yo. Oh, man. Thank you so much.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. You just did a duet with Elton John. So did Dua Lipa and a lot of other people. My question is, does he not have my number? Oh, mam. I’m not really sure mam, but I just want to say I’m such a huge fan of yours.

Dionne Warwick: Oh, thank you. So am I. So tell me, Miley, Dojacat. Is that a singer or a Pokemon?

Miley Cyrus: Yeah, she’s a singer.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, Cardi B. Why does she need the B? Was there another Cardi in the class?

Miley Cyrus: You know, these aren’t really about me.

Dionne Warwick: Sure. All right. Okay. I’ll try. Yeah, I understand that Hannah Montana is your nemesis. My Nemesis is Wendy Williams. Let’s make a pact to kick their asses.

Miley Cyrus: You know, Hannah Montana isn’t real.

Dionne Warwick: Alright, well, neither is Wendy Williams. Alright, Miley Circus. I’m done talking to you. Bye now. Yeah.

[Miley Cyrus walks out] All right. Now, for our important public health segment. We have a doctor here to give me my coronavirus booster live on air. Please welcome Dr. Nathan Ola.

[Dionne Warwick walks to Dr. Nathan] [music playing] [singing] Keep smiling…

Dr. Nathan: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Which arm do you– Alright let’s get that sleeve up and we’ll– Just get that sleeve up and we’ll go.

Dionne Warwick: That’s what friends are for. [Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat without getting the shot] Alright. I didn’t feel a thing. Now, for our next guest. This man is not famous anymore. He does not have any songs out. Please welcome Jason Mraz.

[Jason Mraz walks in]

Jason Mraz: Kind of a rough intro but yeah, I’m psyched to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Now Mr. Mraz, you are about to go back on tour. My question is Rihanna. When she gonna drop the album? She too busy making panties or something?

Jason Mraz: I’m not sure how to answer that.

Dionne Warwick: Well, Kanye change his name to Ye. Is that after the sound people make when he leaves the room?

Jason Mraz: I’m sorry, can you ask me questions about me?

Dionne Warwick: Fine. Okay, what’s with the hat? If I took it off when I see your brain?

Jason Mraz: Okay, I’m gonna go. Thank you so much.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Ed Sheeran.

[Ed Sheeran walks in]

Ed Sheeran: Hi, Ms. Warwick. I’m really glad to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Of course, you are. Now you did a song called south of the border. My question is are you nasty?

Ed Sheeran: Yes. A little bit.

Dionne Warwick: Oh, good.  Cuz I think that’s healthy. Alright. You’re writing a song for the next season of Ted Lasso. So, what I’d like to know is what is Apple TV and how do you get it on a Dell computer?

Ed Sheeran: Is that the best question for me to answer?

Dionne Warwick: I don’t know. Shoot. All right. Did you know Ed Sheeran backwards is Dionne Warwick?

Ed Sheeran: I don’t think it is.

Dionne Warwick: I read that Elton John calls you every morning. Why would he talk to you and not me? Personally, I prefer to talk to me.

Ed Sheeran: Well, I mean, me and Elton are doing Christmas song together.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. All right. Well, apparently you and everyone else. Am I beefing with Elton John? Okay, you can go. Go on and go. Next up, I just want everybody to know I’ve learned my lesson that Machine Gun Kelly is too scary for me. So, I’ve invited a different man who I feel I’d be more comfortable with. Please welcome Post Malone.

[Post Malone walks in]

Post Malone: Hi, Ms. Warwick.

Dionne Warwick: No! No! No! Oh my god, it is worse. Get him out. You go. You gotta go.

[Post Malone leaves]

Oh my god. Much better. Much better. Brittany put that man in a cab back to Spooky Town, USA.

Brittany: I’m on it.

Dionne Warwick: I’m tired of interviewing people who are not icons. Please welcome me.

[The real Dionne Warwick walks in] [cheers and applause]

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, well. Hello.

Real Dionne Warwick: Hi, darling. I’m so excited for you that I’m here.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Alright. Well, let me ask you something. Why are you perfect?

Real Dionne Warwick:  Darling, I’m not perfect. I’m just very, very good.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Okay. Today I heard a song by an artist called Young Boy Never Broke Again. Why aren’t people just caught Burt Bacharach anymore?

Real Dionne Warwick: You know, that is an excellent question and I don’t know the answer, but I will keep tweeting until I find out.

Dionne Warwick: You know, why does it say you were booked to headline Doge Palooza, a Dogecoin Music Festival. My question is what is that? How does it work? Why would you do it? And can I come?

Real Dionne Warwick: Well to answer your questions, I don’t know. I don’t know. Because they paid me. And yes.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, Dionne. Would you like to sing a song for the people?

Real Dionne Warwick: Do they deserve it?

Dionne Warwick: They o. Why don’t you go ahead and grab your mic? Right? I think we should go ahead and do it.

[music playing]

Dionne Warwick and Real Dionne Warwick: [singing] What the world is now
love, sweet love
it’s the only thing
that there’s just too little love
What the world is now
love, sweet love
it’s the only thing
that there’s just too little love