Tag: Drug

Drug Commercial

Keith… Andrew Dismukes

Molly Shannon

Molly Kearney

Ego Nwodim

Keith: Okay, looks like our actors have arrived on set. What do you say we do this thing?

Molly: I know I’m ready.

Kearney: Yeah.

Ego: Let’s do it. Yeah.

Molly: Keath, I just wanted to say, thank you so much for letting me do this drug commercial. I’m someone who never thought much about medications until I got older. But this script is really sensitive to women’s issues, and honestly, I think will help people.

Keith: Well, thank you. I hope so too. What do you say? We’ll give it a try, huh?

Molly: I think that sounds terrific.

Keith: All right, places everybody. And action.

[music playing]

Molly: There is a new drugs for gals over 40
it’s hormone free and made just for me.
easy to use, and it’s super effective

Ego and Kearney: That’s unexpected, so what is it called?

Molly: It’s called Vagerted,
how great a name is that, it’s called Vagerted

Ego and Kearney: And where is it inserted?

Molly: I think you already know
and once Vergerted inside you, then you’re ready to go

All: Whoo!

Keith: And cut. Okay, wow. Not bad for first take, y’all.

Molly: I actually just have a concern slash question.

Keith: Oh, you don’t think it’s dignified enough?

Molly: No, that’s not it at all. I actually really love what you’re doing with Vegerted.. I was just wondering if we’re all doing it justice. Like, some of us are up here really selling it and then some of us or maybe one or two of us are not quite giving it the same energy. I don’t want to put fingers. I don’t know. I would just be so sad if people didn’t buy Vegerted because the dancing was mid.

Ego: Okay, I don’t know what that was. But I also have a question. This drug is from menopause. Right? So why doesn’t the song just come out and say that?

Keith: Well, we don’t want people to change the channel. Let’s try this next verse and get a little more energy this time.

Molly: That’s a great note. It’s a great note for everyone. [looking around]

Keith: Okay. And action.

Molly: In just one week you’ll notice the difference
insert it down there just deep as you can
no more high flashes, good bye to libido

Ego and Kearney: Well, that’s needed, what is it called?

Molly: Vegerted, that’s the name they chose
they chose Vegerted
come on girls, let’s dance

Kenan: Vegeta is not for everybody. So ask your doctor if it’s right for you. If he says no, find another doctor. Just keep going to different doctors until one of them says you can take Vegeta.

Kearney: What did he call it?

Kenan: Do not use the Vegeta if you are allergic to Vegeta. If you are allergic to peanuts, don’t you put a peanut in your Vageta.

Ego: Peanut?

Kenan: Everybody reacts differently to Vegeta. Some people like Vegeta, some people do not. I personally think Vegeta Gina very nice. Clinical trials of Vegeta have not yet been completed, in the sense that they have not yet started.

Ego: That’s not good.

Kenan: Vegeta should not be taken orally, even though it tastes real good. It is highly addictive. It gives you an alcohol like Buzz but with no hangover. I wish I had a Vegeta so I can take Vegeta. Try vagina today.

Molly: Okay, can we stop?

Ego: Yeah, he just said try vagina today. This product sounds really awful.

Molly: I’ll tell you what’s awful. Look around. It’s like one of us is Beyonce and the other two are really bad at dancing.

Kearney: What’s your problem? You were so nice at the audition.

Molly: Yeah, that’s what I do.

Ego: Okay, we’re out of here.

Kearney: Good luck, Keith, you’ll never replace us.

Molly: Well, now what do we do?

Kenan: Hit the music.

Molly: There’s a new drug for gals over 40

Kenan: It’s called va-jay-jay

Molly: I think it’s Vegerted.

Kenan: Whatever. Just dance.

Male voice: Ask your doctor if Vajayjay is right for you.

Drug Dealer

Andrew Dismukes

Devon Walker

Marcello Hernandez

Quinta Brunson

Kenan Thompson

Michael Longfellow

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with people talking inside a club’s bathroom]

Andrew: Dude, I thought this club was a little sketchy at first, but the girls here are insane.

Devon: I know. I already got like three phone numbers.

Andrew: And the only thing that would make this night a little more perfect is if we could score a little something.

Devon: You mean like, Coke?

Andrew: Yeah, man.

Devon: I don’t know.

Andrew: Why not? We’re on vacation? Right?

Devon: All right. All right. All right, but only if we can find something that’s like pure, you know I’m saying? There’s a lot of garbage going around right now.

[Marcello walks to them]

Marcello: Hey. You guys looking for some cocaine?

Andrew: What?

Marcello: I said you want to get high? Because I’m gonna make that happen.

Andrew: Wait, seriously?

Devon: I mean, is it pure?

Marcello: [mocking Devon] Is it pure? Don’t insult me, man. My product is so pure white, it’s like a bunny rabbit making snow angels on the cloud.

Andrew: Ooh, sounds good to me.

[Quinta also walks to them]

Quinta: Hey, you guys looking for cocaine?

Andrew: Oh, I think we found some already.

Marcello: Yeah, they already found some. Get lost.

Quinta: Well, my stuff is so right, it’s like Gwyneth Paltrow skiing in Utah.

Devon: Okay. Damn, I’m sold. Alright, how much for that?

Marcello: Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. My cocaine is so pure white, it’s like the guy that suing Gwyneth Paltrow because he can’t enjoy wine tastings anymore.

[Kenan also walks to them]

Kenan: Ya’ll looking for some cocaine?

Quinta: No.

Marcello: They already decided, man.

Andrew: No, no, we haven’t. We’re just trying to make sure it’s pure.

Kenan: Oh, let me tell you this man. The coke that I got is so white, it’s dad seems it money every month with a rent.

Devon: Okay, I think I want that one.

Quinta: No, no, no, that is junk. This stuff right here is so white, it takes his shoes and socks off on a plane.

Marcello: No, no no, no, no, no. You don’t want that. This is what you want man. This cocaine here is whiter than season two of ‘The Wire.’

Kenan: Oh yeah? Well my coke is like …
[singing] Cut my life into pieces
this is my last resort

Quinta: Mine is like…

[singing] I chime in with a
“Haven’t you people ever heard of…”

Andrew: [singing] “…closing the goddamn door?”
Damn, no. That is white.

[Punkie also walks to them]

Punkie: Hey, you guys looking for some cocaine?

All: No, we’re good.

Marcello: We’re all set, man.

Devon: Alright, look, we’re looking for coke that’s so pure white, it got a little bottle opener on its flip flops.

Punkie: Yes, yes. My cocaine is so pure, it was written and directed by Noah Baumbach.

Devon: Wait, who the hell is Noah Baumbach?

Andrew: A poet.

Kenan: Man, that’s nothing. This cocaine I got stuff like “Oh, let me scoop right by you.”

Quinta: No, no, no, no, no. This cocaine is so white… [looks at Andrew]

Andrew: Oh, sorry. How White is it?

Quinta: Thank you. It’s so white, it stands like this admiring its lawn.

Marcello: Whatever, man. My coke is so white…

[James walks in to wash his hands]

James: Let me just scoot by you there. Okay. Toodles.

Marcello: It’s that white.

Kenan: I already said that one.

Andrew: Alright man, so what do you think?

Devon: I don’t know. I still can’t decide. Hey

Michael: Hey. [he had been hiding, standing on the wall wearing clothes as the same color of the wall.] You guys looking for some black tar heroin?

Andrew: What, no!

Michael: OH, too bad. Because I’ve got some black tar heroin that’s so black, it’s- [looks around] You know what? Maybe I shouldn’t say.

Devon: No, no, I want to hear this. Go ahead.

Kenan: Please tell us.

Quinta: I’m all ears.

Michael: Fine. I was just goona say it’s so black that is strong and equal, and we should all really give it a chance. You know, I’m not even here.

Quinta: That’s what I thought. Anyway, like I said, this coke is so white, it likes to say it’s from Chicago, but it’s from a suburb like an hour outside of Chicago.

Punkie: Well, my cocaine is 20 pairs of Yeezy sneakers.

Devon: Wait, that’s not even white.

Punkie: Ha-ha. Well, they all dirty.

Quinta: That’s pretty white.

Kenan: Damn, that’s white as hell.

Andrew: All right. All right, that’s enough. It’s all sound very white and pure. I can’t decide. So I guess we’ll take one from each.

Quinta: Okay.

Punkie: That’s fair. Alright.

Devon: Okay. And you’re absolutely sure that there’s no fentanyl in this, right?

Quinta: Well, nobody said that.

Kenan: I mean…

[all making excuses]

Weekend Update- Bob Baffert on Medina Spirit’s Failed Drug Test

Michael Che

Bob Baffert… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Monday, Medina Spirit, the horse that won this year’s Kentucky Derby tested positive for steroids. Here to comment is Medina Spirit’s trainer, Bob Baffert.

[Bob Baffert slides in]

Bob Baffert: Michael, thanks for having me.

Michael Che: Sure, Bob. So, your horse tested positive for steroids but you deny any involvement?

Bob Baffert: Of course, I deny it, Michael. Bob Baffert’s not stupid. I don’t cheat. Do I look like a shady character to you?

Michael Che: Honestly, yes, Bob. Yes, you do.

Bob Baffert: I have no idea how my horse could have tested positive. Could be anything. Maybe, he went to one of those silly Patch Adams hospitals, slipped on a banana peel, fell onto a syringe of testosterone, boom, positive test. Or, maybe he hooked up with another horse who was positive. You can contract steroids through oral, Michael.

Michael Che: That sounds very unlikely.

Bob Baffert: You don’t know horse stuff, Michael. It’s okay. You have to understand, he had a very traumatic upbringing. He fell out of his mother’s hole, then I got right on his face and said, “Run, you little bitch.”

Michael Che: That’s really intense, man.

Bob Baffert: Yes, it’s horse stuff. It’s really intense. Bottomline, I have won seven Kentucky Derbies. Seven. And I have trained tons of thoroughbreds, all clean. American Pharoah, Silver Charm, Mark McGuire, Justify, Super Jacked Kangaroo.

Michael Che: Really? And all of them are clean?

Bob Baffert: Almost as a whistle, Michael. Medina Spirit is a victim of cancel culture. They’re trying to cancel him because he’s big and strong and white.

Michael Che: I think he’s brown.

Bob Baffert: He’s Italian, Michael. Come on. I mean, sure, Medina Spirit ain’t perfect. He’s moody, temperamental and he exposed himself on a Zoom. It’s normal horse stuff, folks. Come on. The wild animals for crimes sake.

Michael Che: Well, it sounds like pretty toxic environment.

Bob Baffert: Michael, please. Calling a horse toxic can ruin its reputation. Okay?

Michael Che: Well, I guess I didn’t realize that.

Bob Baffert: Yes, you didn’t. You wouldn’t. It’s okay but don’t worry about it. I think people got to know, Medina Spirit is actually a really cool guy. Check it out. [A picture of a horse flexing it’s arms like humans appears on right top corner.] He’s got everything that a normal horse has. Throbbing muscles, backne, a perfect square Zac Efron jaw, baseball bat shaft, pea-sized ball.

Michael Che: You call that a normal horse?

Bob Baffert: Yes, Michael. And here he is on vacation.

Michael Che: Is he at a Mexican pharmacy?

Bob Baffert: Oh, now horse can’t party? Come on, Michael. And here he is hitting his 73rd home run.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, Medina Spirit actually tested clean before racing in today’s peakness.

Bob Baffert: Yes. I checked it myself and it tested fine.

Michael Che: Wow. So, how did he do?

Bob Baffert: Well, he fell apart out there. He’s nothing without his roids.

Michael Che: Alright. Bob Baffert everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.