Tag: Molly Shannon

Sally O’Malley- Jonas Brothers

Ross… Kenan Thompson

Gretel… Chloe Fineman

Bowen… Bowen Yang

Sally O’Malley… Molly Shannon

[Starts with a group of ladies dancing. Ross walks in]

Ross: Okay, okay, sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt girls. Take a break. Gretel, Bowen, come on, we need to talk.

Bowen: Oh, hey, what’s up Ross?

Ross: Well, as the Jonas Brothers manager, part of my job is to deliver bad news. The boys want to hire new choreographer.

Gretel: You can’t fire us. We invented Joe bro choreo.

Bowen: Yeah, I gave Nick his head bop. He used to go side to side, and I told him to go up and down with a finger shimmy.

Ross: Be that as it may, the boys feel that they’re not a teenybopper band anymore. And they’re about to start their Vegas residency,so they want a more mature stage act.

Bowen: Mature? Who Do they think can do that?

Ross: It’s hard to describe, easier to see. Let her in.

[Sally O’Malley walks in]

Sally O’Malley: My name is Sally O’Malley. I’m 50 years old. Not one of those gals who’s afraid to tell a real age. And I like to kick, stretch and kick. I’m 50. 50 years old. 50 years old.

Ross: That’s right. The boys were visiting their grandmother and she took them to her senior centers production of Annie, and Sally here was scarring and she rocked their world. And they don’t want to fire anybody. They were just hoping that, you know, you could let Sally add a little something.

Bowen: Okay, Sally, what little something do you think you could add?

Sally O’Malley: Top five decades of Dirty Dancing and red panting. I got half a century of sizzlin, my lady schnitzel. Nothing wrong with that. Being a woman. The Grand Canyon’s got nothing on me.

Bowen: You know, I’ve engineered my entire life so I would never have to see what I just saw. And Russell, are you sure she’s 50?

Sally O’Malley: Honey, I’ve been 50 since before you was born.

Ross: Can you please just gave it a try? The boys feel that Sally represents who they are now.

Gretel: Do they? Then tell us who you are Sally.

Sally O’Malley: Listen, I’m a choo choo Charlie and a class act.

Bowen: Russell, I love you. I just think the Jonas Brothers are making a huge mistake.

Joe Jonas: Oh, is that what you think, huh?

Sally O’Malley: Well, well, well, if it isn’t Neil, Kalvin and John.

Nick Jonas: Yeah, Nick, Joe and Kevin. And we came by because we the feeling they may not understand your new concept. So I wanted to show him.

[The Jonas brothers open their clothes, and inside they’re wearing similar outfit to Sally O’Malley.]

Sally O’Malley: You looking good boys. Now put some bonus in your Jonas. Now hit it Russell.

[music playing]

Hip, hip
arms, arms
now kick, stretch
kick, stretch, kick, stretch

Bowen: Wait a second. Wait a second. Oh my god. I am so sorry I ever doubted you, Sally. I see it now. You’re gonna put the boys on stage in packed stadiums around the world and they’re gonna..

Joe: Kick.

Kevin: Stretch.

Nick: And jump.

Sally O’Malley: Jump? Neil, you’re fired.

Joe: Wait a second, Sally. You can take his place.

Kevin: Yeah, that’s a great idea. Do you know any of her songs?

Sally O’Malley: Absolutely not. I’m 50 years old. 50.

Pregnant Co-Worker

Susie… Molly Shannon

Jackie… Heidi Gardner

Jim… Kenan Thompson

Kennedy… Sarah Sherman

Marcello… Evan

[Starts with coworkers giving a gift to a pregnant coworker]

Susie: Oh my god, a waffle maker. That is so nice, Jackie.

Jackie: Well, I just thought maybe you could do Sunday morning waffles with your little girl.

Susie: That’s so sweet, I could cry.

Kennedy: We’re just so happy for you, Susie.

Andrew: Yeah, and we’re really gonna miss you.

Susie: Well, I’ll be back in a few months. Unless Jim fires me. [laughing]

Jim: Oh, come on now, I wouldn’t do that. That would be super illegal.

Susie: And hey, even though I’m starting maternity leave, I’m sure you’ll all be seeing plenty of me.

Bowen: I hope so. After all, I’m the godfather. I’ll make an offer you can’t resist. Still working on the impression.

Kennedy: I just can’t get over how beautiful you look.

Susie: Thank you, Kennedy. Honestly, I’ve actually never felt better. My nails are strong. My skin looks great. I’m just glowing. This is everything I’ve ever wanted.

Jackie: That is so inspiring.

Susie: Well, I’ll leave you guys with this saying that I found on brainyquote.com that really captures kind of the way I’m feeling right now. It’s so beautiful. [reading from a paper] “A mother always has to think twice. Once for herself and once for her child.” That just absolutely nails and maternal feeling surging through my body. Anyway, let me just grab this waffle maker. [Bends to grab the waffle maker, but then farts very long and loud.] God dammit, not again. How many freaking times is this gonna happen to me?

Jim: I’m sorry, was that-

Susie: A fart? Yes, Jim. I ripped a big old fart. Are you happy?

Jim: No. Definitely wouldn’t say happy.

Kennedy: So it was-

Susie: Not a baby, just gas. Yeah, Kennedy obviously. Guess you could have your waffle maker back. I can’t make Sunday morning waffles for a fart.

Jackie: Just keep it. I’m too embarrassed to explain why I’m returning it.

Susie: Dammit, I’ve been playing Mozart to a gas bubble for eight frickin month. I’m so stupid. [farts while sitting]

Andrew: Oh, smells like maybe it was twins. [giggling]

Jackie: Did you go to a doctor?

Susie: What kind of a doctor, Jackie? A fart doctor? Don’t taunt me. Whatever, at least I still get six months maternity leave.

Jim: You definitely do not. You forfeited your maternity leave when you’re stunk up the office.

Andrew: So Susie, this has happened more than once? [Susie is showing four fingers] Four times?

Bowen: How is that even possible, Sisie?

Susie: Oh my god.

Jackie: What?

Susie: I just remembered something. I feel so bad because I remember this morning on the bus, an old man gave me a seat. And then the bus hit a bump and he fell down in the aisle and he died.

Jackie: That was this morning?

Susie: Whatever. Well the good news is I can start drinking again.

Jim: You do know you have work, right?

Evan: Hey, Susie, I got your lunch order from the cafeteria.

Susie: Oh, thank you so much, Evan.

Jackie: What did you get?

Susie: Oh, I get the same thing every day. I get cat fish sliders. [starts eating] Umm, it is really hitting the spot in a very unbelievable way. [Susie stomach gets bigger instantly]

Jackie: Susie, look at your stomach.

Susie: Oh my god. It’s a miracle.

Jim: No.

Susie: It’s a miracle.

Jim: No.

Susie: Guys, I have some really exciting news. I wanted to tell you that I’m pregnant again. Well there’s no need to take a pregnancy test. Call it a mother’s intuition I really think it’d be a nice gesture for all of you to organize a baby shower for me.

Kennedy: You’re not pregnant, Susie. It’s just gas from you’re hungry ass pounding cat fish sliders at 11 AM.

Susie: Look Kennedy, I know you’re a single gal whoring around the city, so you couldn’t possibly understand how- [starts farting again] Oh my god. No. How much suffering can one mother bear? Whatever. At least I can smoke again.

Bowen: No, wait Susie, don’t light that cigar!

[As Susie lights the lighter, the office explodes with all the gas that she farted.]

Drug Commercial

Keith… Andrew Dismukes

Molly Shannon

Molly Kearney

Ego Nwodim

Keith: Okay, looks like our actors have arrived on set. What do you say we do this thing?

Molly: I know I’m ready.

Kearney: Yeah.

Ego: Let’s do it. Yeah.

Molly: Keath, I just wanted to say, thank you so much for letting me do this drug commercial. I’m someone who never thought much about medications until I got older. But this script is really sensitive to women’s issues, and honestly, I think will help people.

Keith: Well, thank you. I hope so too. What do you say? We’ll give it a try, huh?

Molly: I think that sounds terrific.

Keith: All right, places everybody. And action.

[music playing]

Molly: There is a new drugs for gals over 40
it’s hormone free and made just for me.
easy to use, and it’s super effective

Ego and Kearney: That’s unexpected, so what is it called?

Molly: It’s called Vagerted,
how great a name is that, it’s called Vagerted

Ego and Kearney: And where is it inserted?

Molly: I think you already know
and once Vergerted inside you, then you’re ready to go

All: Whoo!

Keith: And cut. Okay, wow. Not bad for first take, y’all.

Molly: I actually just have a concern slash question.

Keith: Oh, you don’t think it’s dignified enough?

Molly: No, that’s not it at all. I actually really love what you’re doing with Vegerted.. I was just wondering if we’re all doing it justice. Like, some of us are up here really selling it and then some of us or maybe one or two of us are not quite giving it the same energy. I don’t want to put fingers. I don’t know. I would just be so sad if people didn’t buy Vegerted because the dancing was mid.

Ego: Okay, I don’t know what that was. But I also have a question. This drug is from menopause. Right? So why doesn’t the song just come out and say that?

Keith: Well, we don’t want people to change the channel. Let’s try this next verse and get a little more energy this time.

Molly: That’s a great note. It’s a great note for everyone. [looking around]

Keith: Okay. And action.

Molly: In just one week you’ll notice the difference
insert it down there just deep as you can
no more high flashes, good bye to libido

Ego and Kearney: Well, that’s needed, what is it called?

Molly: Vegerted, that’s the name they chose
they chose Vegerted
come on girls, let’s dance

Kenan: Vegeta is not for everybody. So ask your doctor if it’s right for you. If he says no, find another doctor. Just keep going to different doctors until one of them says you can take Vegeta.

Kearney: What did he call it?

Kenan: Do not use the Vegeta if you are allergic to Vegeta. If you are allergic to peanuts, don’t you put a peanut in your Vageta.

Ego: Peanut?

Kenan: Everybody reacts differently to Vegeta. Some people like Vegeta, some people do not. I personally think Vegeta Gina very nice. Clinical trials of Vegeta have not yet been completed, in the sense that they have not yet started.

Ego: That’s not good.

Kenan: Vegeta should not be taken orally, even though it tastes real good. It is highly addictive. It gives you an alcohol like Buzz but with no hangover. I wish I had a Vegeta so I can take Vegeta. Try vagina today.

Molly: Okay, can we stop?

Ego: Yeah, he just said try vagina today. This product sounds really awful.

Molly: I’ll tell you what’s awful. Look around. It’s like one of us is Beyonce and the other two are really bad at dancing.

Kearney: What’s your problem? You were so nice at the audition.

Molly: Yeah, that’s what I do.

Ego: Okay, we’re out of here.

Kearney: Good luck, Keith, you’ll never replace us.

Molly: Well, now what do we do?

Kenan: Hit the music.

Molly: There’s a new drug for gals over 40

Kenan: It’s called va-jay-jay

Molly: I think it’s Vegerted.

Kenan: Whatever. Just dance.

Male voice: Ask your doctor if Vajayjay is right for you.

CNN App

Anderson Cooper… Michael Longfellow

Van Jones… Devon Walker

Dana Bash… Chloe Fineman

Wolf Blitzer… Sarah Sherman

Maggie Haberman.. Molly Shannon

Lindsey Graham… James Austin Johnson

Alvin Bragg… Kenan Thompson

Female voice: These days, it’s hard not to feel stressed out and overwhelmed. Sure Trump got indicted. But now everyone says the case against him is weak and that he’ll never serve any jail time. As someone whose entire personality is hating Donald Trump, you need more. You need to feel calm and reassured. You need the newest meditation app. CNZen. The only app that suits you in the most militant liberals with essential details from Trump’s arrest. Featuring your favorite CNN anchors and correspondents.

Anderson Cooper: He’s the first American president to ever be indicted. This is truly a historic and humiliating moment.

Van Jones: Trump is a sad, defeated man. They made him come from Florida, where it’s 80 degrees, to New York, where it’s only 60 degrees. How depressing for him?

Dana Bash: And his motorcade wasn’t even that big. I thought it would be bigger, but it was so small.

Wolf Blitzer: Donald was all alone. No family or friends to support him. I shouldn’t say this as a journalist, but what a loser.

Female voice: Let New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman soothe you to sleep.

Maggie Haberman: This is his worst nightmare. And he’s really freaking out because now he knows there are consequences. Consequences.

Female voice: You can also listen to clips of Trump and his allies desperately spiraling.

Lindsey Graham: Please, Donald J. Trump is an innocent man and he needs your help. Send him all your money today at DonaldJTrumpRU/Fundraisingscam.guilty.

Female voice: Trump’s next court appearance won’t be till at least December. That’s why CNZen has a whole section of Trump indictment ASMR.

Maggie Haberman: Can you hear him getting fingerprinted? And the DA opening his big leather briefcase. Oh, and a little gavel from a judge. I wonder if you’ll even hear handcuffs.

Female voice: With additional in app purchases like audio erotica of District Attorney Aven Bragg reading all 34 felony counts.

Alvin Bragg: Count one, falsifying business records in the first degree. Count two, falsifying business records in the first degree. Count three, falsifying business-

Heidi: Helpless couch is as clumsy as the DA’s case.

Female voice: CNZen, because you waited seven years for this indictment, and you want every delicious detail.

Maggie Haberman: And what ethnicity is Trump’s judge again?

Alvin Bragg: Hispanic.

Maggie Haberman: Ah!

Female voice: CNZen, in your mind, he’s already in jail.