Anderson Cooper… Michael Longfellow
Van Jones… Devon Walker
Dana Bash… Chloe Fineman
Wolf Blitzer… Sarah Sherman
Maggie Haberman.. Molly Shannon
Lindsey Graham… James Austin Johnson
Alvin Bragg… Kenan Thompson
Female voice: These days, it’s hard not to feel stressed out and overwhelmed. Sure Trump got indicted. But now everyone says the case against him is weak and that he’ll never serve any jail time. As someone whose entire personality is hating Donald Trump, you need more. You need to feel calm and reassured. You need the newest meditation app. CNZen. The only app that suits you in the most militant liberals with essential details from Trump’s arrest. Featuring your favorite CNN anchors and correspondents.
Anderson Cooper: He’s the first American president to ever be indicted. This is truly a historic and humiliating moment.
Van Jones: Trump is a sad, defeated man. They made him come from Florida, where it’s 80 degrees, to New York, where it’s only 60 degrees. How depressing for him?
Dana Bash: And his motorcade wasn’t even that big. I thought it would be bigger, but it was so small.
Wolf Blitzer: Donald was all alone. No family or friends to support him. I shouldn’t say this as a journalist, but what a loser.
Female voice: Let New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman soothe you to sleep.
Maggie Haberman: This is his worst nightmare. And he’s really freaking out because now he knows there are consequences. Consequences.
Female voice: You can also listen to clips of Trump and his allies desperately spiraling.
Lindsey Graham: Please, Donald J. Trump is an innocent man and he needs your help. Send him all your money today at DonaldJTrumpRU/Fundraisingscam.guilty.
Female voice: Trump’s next court appearance won’t be till at least December. That’s why CNZen has a whole section of Trump indictment ASMR.
Maggie Haberman: Can you hear him getting fingerprinted? And the DA opening his big leather briefcase. Oh, and a little gavel from a judge. I wonder if you’ll even hear handcuffs.
Female voice: With additional in app purchases like audio erotica of District Attorney Aven Bragg reading all 34 felony counts.
Alvin Bragg: Count one, falsifying business records in the first degree. Count two, falsifying business records in the first degree. Count three, falsifying business-
Heidi: Helpless couch is as clumsy as the DA’s case.
Female voice: CNZen, because you waited seven years for this indictment, and you want every delicious detail.
Maggie Haberman: And what ethnicity is Trump’s judge again?
Alvin Bragg: Hispanic.
Maggie Haberman: Ah!
Female voice: CNZen, in your mind, he’s already in jail.