Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat
Gloria Borger… Cecily Strong
David Axelrod… Kyle Mooney
Dana Bash… Kristen Wiig
Kayleigh McEnany… Kate McKinnon
Van Jones… Kenan Thompson
Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett
[Starts with Anderson Cooper 360 intro]
[Cut to Anderson Cooper with five participants to his show in the set]
Anderson Cooper: Good evening and welcome to Anderson Cooper 360. It’s been 10 days since the election and we are covering every moment of Donald Trump’s Transition. Joining me tonight at two gib ugly desks are CNN Chief Political Analyst, Gloria Borger.
[She is busy on her phone.]
Gloria Borger: Yeah, uh-huh. Sure.
Anderson Cooper: Former advisor of President Obama, David Axelrod
David Axelrod: Hi, Anderson.
Anderson Cooper: CNN Chief Political Correspondent, Dana Bash.
Dana Bash: It’s Dana, for some reason.
Anderson Cooper: Trump supporter, Kayleigh McEnany.
Kayleigh McEnany: Thank you. I am smug to be here.
Anderson Cooper: And former Obama Administration Official, Van Jones.
Van Jones: I’m the good one.
Anderson Cooper: Now, this has been an unprecedented week, but we at CNN are here to hold Donald Trump accountable. Let’s start with some breaking news. Donald Trump wants top secret security clearance for his kids, even though they’re also running his business. Gloria?
Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal.
Dana Bash: This is crazy.
Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.
Dana Bash: Uh- this isn’t like when Trump called women fat. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares. But this is different.
David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.
Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?
Van Jones: Um, actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.
[laughing]
Anderson Cooper: Um, more breaking news. The entire KKK is planning a parade to celebrate Trump’s win. Gloria?
Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!
David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.
Dana Bash: This is crazy.
Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.
Dana Bash: This isn’t like when he asked for security clearances for his kids. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.
David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.
Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?
Van Jones: Um, actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.
[laughing]
Anderson Cooper: Sorry, more breaking news. Donald Trump may force all Muslims to register in the United States. Gloria?
Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!
David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.
Dana Bash: This is crazy.
Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.
Dana Bash: This isn’t like when the entire KKK threw him a parade. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.
David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.
Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?
Van Jones: Actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.
[laughing]
Anderson Cooper: Breaking news again. Steve Bannon, a white nationalist has been named Trump’s Chief Strategist. Gloria?
Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!
David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.
Dana Bash: This is crazy.
Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.
Dana Bash: This isn’t like when he wanted to put all the Muslims on the list. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.
David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.
Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?
Van Jones: Actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.
[laughing]
Anderson Cooper: Looks like we have some more breaking news. I– I– I’m sorry, I just had this weird memory like we keep doing the same–
[Anderson Cooper and all the participants are paused. They are not moving.]
[Two guys come in wearing a protective suit.]
Pete: Which one’s malfunctioning?
Mikey: One on the glasses has skipped out of his loop. He was starting to remember.
Pete: Alright, let’s get it back to programming.
Mikey: Bring in the replacement host.
[Pete and Mikey walk out with Anderson Cooper]
[Jake Tapper walks in as substitute host]
Jake Tapper: I’m Jake Tapper. Breaking news, Donald Trump has settled a massive fraud lawsuit for $25 million. Gloria?
Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!
David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.
Dana Bash: This is crazy.
[The End]