Bob Baffert… Beck Bennett[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: On Monday, Medina Spirit, the horse that won this year’s Kentucky Derby tested positive for steroids. Here to comment is Medina Spirit’s trainer, Bob Baffert.[Bob Baffert slides in]
Bob Baffert: Michael, thanks for having me.
Michael Che: Sure, Bob. So, your horse tested positive for steroids but you deny any involvement?
Bob Baffert: Of course, I deny it, Michael. Bob Baffert’s not stupid. I don’t cheat. Do I look like a shady character to you?
Michael Che: Honestly, yes, Bob. Yes, you do.
Bob Baffert: I have no idea how my horse could have tested positive. Could be anything. Maybe, he went to one of those silly Patch Adams hospitals, slipped on a banana peel, fell onto a syringe of testosterone, boom, positive test. Or, maybe he hooked up with another horse who was positive. You can contract steroids through oral, Michael.
Michael Che: That sounds very unlikely.
Bob Baffert: You don’t know horse stuff, Michael. It’s okay. You have to understand, he had a very traumatic upbringing. He fell out of his mother’s hole, then I got right on his face and said, “Run, you little bitch.”
Michael Che: That’s really intense, man.
Bob Baffert: Yes, it’s horse stuff. It’s really intense. Bottomline, I have won seven Kentucky Derbies. Seven. And I have trained tons of thoroughbreds, all clean. American Pharoah, Silver Charm, Mark McGuire, Justify, Super Jacked Kangaroo.
Michael Che: Really? And all of them are clean?
Bob Baffert: Almost as a whistle, Michael. Medina Spirit is a victim of cancel culture. They’re trying to cancel him because he’s big and strong and white.
Michael Che: I think he’s brown.
Bob Baffert: He’s Italian, Michael. Come on. I mean, sure, Medina Spirit ain’t perfect. He’s moody, temperamental and he exposed himself on a Zoom. It’s normal horse stuff, folks. Come on. The wild animals for crimes sake.
Michael Che: Well, it sounds like pretty toxic environment.
Bob Baffert: Michael, please. Calling a horse toxic can ruin its reputation. Okay?
Michael Che: Well, I guess I didn’t realize that.
Bob Baffert: Yes, you didn’t. You wouldn’t. It’s okay but don’t worry about it. I think people got to know, Medina Spirit is actually a really cool guy. Check it out. [A picture of a horse flexing it’s arms like humans appears on right top corner.] He’s got everything that a normal horse has. Throbbing muscles, backne, a perfect square Zac Efron jaw, baseball bat shaft, pea-sized ball.
Michael Che: You call that a normal horse?
Bob Baffert: Yes, Michael. And here he is on vacation.
Michael Che: Is he at a Mexican pharmacy?
Bob Baffert: Oh, now horse can’t party? Come on, Michael. And here he is hitting his 73rd home run.
Michael Che: Okay. Well, Medina Spirit actually tested clean before racing in today’s peakness.
Bob Baffert: Yes. I checked it myself and it tested fine.
Michael Che: Wow. So, how did he do?
Bob Baffert: Well, he fell apart out there. He’s nothing without his roids.
Michael Che: Alright. Bob Baffert everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.