Jay McCormick… Kenan Thompson
Sheila Cashman… Punkie Johnson
Manny Jackson… Marcello Hernandez
Gabe Bachman… Michael Longfellow
Professor Zander… Mikey Day
Zena Neutrilo… Jenna Ortega
Knockout… Molly Kearney
Jay McCormick: Welcome. Welcome everybody to School VS School where teachers team up with their star students to win big bucks. I’m your host Jay McCormick. Back after a brief hiatus. I was of course the key witness in a harassment trial of this show’s COVID representative who swab my anus in lieu of my nose every day for five months. But that’s all in the past now. So let’s meet up teams. From West Grove High in New Jersey, teacher Sheila Cashman and her students many Manny Jackson in Gabe Bachman.
Now, I’m told that your school has one of the best science departments in the country.
Sheila Cashman: Yes, and you can say that it’s A+.
Jay McCormick: Yeah, that’s cute. Alright, now let’s meet their opponents from Professor Zander’s Academy for extraordinary children. Professor Chandliss Zander and his students Zena Neutrilo and knockout. Now, it says here that your school is a 100 room Victorian mansion located within a 10,000 acre private forest?
Professor Zander: That is correct. We need ample space in which to train our students to harness their incredible gifts.
Zena Neutrilo: If my gifts are so incredible, than why won’t you love me?
Professor Zander: [yelling] Because you cannot yet control them, child.
Jay McCormick: Okey-dokie. Let’s just get to the game. are we feeling confident, team?
Manny Jackson: Heck yeah, Professor Zander’s Academy, you’re going down?
Knockout: We could enslave you.
Professor Zander: Knockout, no.
Jay McCormick: Well, that’s fun. All right, first question gets control of the board. Name for a random modification of DNA from parent to offspring. Zena.
Jay McCormick: Crrect.
Professor Zander: Oh, yes, mutation is a topic in which we are well versed.
Zena: That’s why they hate us.
Professor Zander: Zena!
Zena: They think we’re freaks.
Professor Zander: [yelling] Enough, child!
Jay McCormick: All right. Well, Zena, you have a chance for extra credit. The subject is English Lit. How’s your school’s English department?
Professor Zander: Our curriculum focuses more on harnessing our students’ abilities.
Zena: You always doubt me. Ask your question.
Jay McCormick: Okay then. “To be or not to be” is spoken by which Shakespearean protagonist?
Jay McCormick: Wrong.
Zena: Argh, I failed. Oh, is that what you’re all thinking? The freak failed?
Sheila Cashman: No, I promise you sweetie, no one is thinking that.
Zena: Oh, you lie, you pathetic human.[Zena tries to attack Sheila Cashman with her power, but Professor Zander stops her.]
Professor Zander: Zena, no, you can kill her.[The whole stage is shaking by their powers]
Jay McCormick: Hey! Alright, hey! Now, I’ve just got blast and hit in the face with what I can only describe as electric wind. But since no points were awarded, control now goes over to West Grove high who are yet to get on the board. All right West Grove, here’s your question. Name the triangle which has three sides of equal length.
Gabe Bachman: I think there’s something wrong with our Teacher.[Sheila Cashman is all blown up and had bloody nose]
Jay McCormick: Okay, no points there. Control back to Professors Zaner school I guess. Chance to steal. Triangle with three equal sides.
Professor Zander: Let me enter your mind.
Zena: I can figure it out on my own.
Professor Zander: I’m trying to help you, Zena.
Zena: God, stay out of my head.
Professor Zander: [yelling] Let me in.
Knockout: Stop fighting. [Knockout hits the table and breaks it]
Jay McCormick: Hey! We were looking for equilateral triangle.
Zena: Argh! I shouldn’t be here. I should be on the team using my powers.
Professor Zander: [yelling] You are not ready, child!
Jay McCormick: All right, we’re gonna take a break. Let things calm down and see if we can get that lady’s brain back online. This is Jay McCormick reminding you that COVID swabs go in the nose and not the keister. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me every day for five months, shame on me. Keep it right here.