Tag: Martin Short

The Holiday Train

James Austin Johnson

Steve Martin

Martin Short

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with people traveling inside a train]

james: Final boarding for whatever the stop is before you get to Buffalo.

Steve: I have heard so much about Buffalo, I can hardly wait to get there.

Cecily: Wow. A real Christmas in Buffalo. It’s finally happening.

Martin: Just like dear old Pepoo and Moomoo used to talk about.

Cecily: They’d be so proud of us.

Steve: Well, minus some of the stuff we’ve done.

Kenan: Well, I’m glad I sat with you three. You seem like a fun group.

Steve: You know what? We are fun. Thank you for noticing that.

Martin: Where are you heading, mister. Are you going to Buffalo too? Or Buffalo three? That’s my buffalo joke that I do often.

Kenan: No, I’m just hanging there on business. The only reason anyone would want to go to Buffalo.

Cecily: Only reason? But it’s the best place to see it.

Kenan: See what?

Martin: Are you messing with us? Snow of course.

Cecily, Steve and Martin: [singing] Snow, snow, snow

Martin: It won’t be long before we’ll be there with snow

Cecily: Snow, I want to wash my hands my hair
and ass with snow

Kenan: Oh, wow. That sounds cold. You must really like snow.

Steve: We don’t know, sir. We’ve never seen it. Not in person anyway.

Snow, I want to go outside and talk to bunch of snow

Cecily: Snow, to kiss a great big man entirely made of snow

Martin: Just kiss? You know you never just kiss.

Cecily: Okay. Yeah, maybe more. I’m just so excited for snow. If I close my eyes. I feel like I can almost see it

[They all stand and dance. The train set changes to a snowing montain.]

All: Where it’s snowing? Oh winter crew
what’s where I want to be
Steve: Snowball eating, that’s what I’ll do

Kenan: Eating?

Martin: Oh, I’m going to sleep all night in the snow.

Kenan: Sleep in the snow? Are you crazy?

Steve: For snow.

Kenan: Now I’m excited for snow.

What is Christmas with no Snow?

Martin: No white Christmas with no snow

All: Snow

Cecily: I’ll wash my hair with snow

Kenan: Why not?

Steve: Fill my underwear with snow

Kenan: If that’s your thing.

Martin: And when I see the snow
I’m gonna know is snow

Kenan: I would hope so.

All: Snow.

Kenan: So you really never seen snow? Where are you from?

Martin: The woods.

Kenan: The woods?

Cecily: Yes.

Kenan: Isn’t there snow there?

Cecily: Oh, tons. But we always sleep through it.

Steve: Otherwise we wouldn’t survive the winter.

Martin: No. Don’t worry about that. That’s why we have all these nuts with us.

Kenan: Oh wow. Nuts?

Cecily: [yelling] Those are ours!

Kenan: Okay. Sorry. Listen, it’s getting late.

I’d love to stay up late with you,
but like to get some
should I go to sleep?
And dream…

[The train background set comes back in]

All: Of snow, snow, snow, snow.

[train bell ringing]

Cecily: Well, that song made me sleepy. You know the rules.

Martin: But if you fall asleep, we break the spell.

Kenan: What’s spell?

Steve: Oh, that we won’t get our Christmas wish. Oh brother.

Kenan: What wish?

James: Aw, I was really hoping they’d make it this time. Those bears make the same Christmas wish every year to turn into humans and ride the train to Buffalo to see snow. But they always fall asleep and Hibernate.

[Kenan is now sitting with three big bears]

Kenan: Bears? What are you talking…? Hey, wake up. It’s snowing outside.

James: Shush. Don’t wake them up. Are you insane? They’ll kill us. They’re bears.

Kenan: Oh. Good point. Well, Merry Christmas bears. [sees nuts] Oh nuts.

Bear: Those are ours!

Science Room with Steve Martin and Martin Short

Mr. Science…Martin Short

Dr. Science… Steve Martin

Lonnie… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: PBS Kids. At 3:30, Curious George, we on that same old [bleep]. But first, it’s the Science Room.

[Cut to Science Room intro]

[Cut to Dr. Science Mr. Science and Mr. Science Short in the show set]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Science: [singing] Oh chemistry, oh chemistry
how lovely are thy eye on

Dr. Science: I love that song sodium much. Hey kids, Dr. Science.

Mr. Science: And I’m Mr. Science.

Dr. Science: And what better time than the holidays to learn about the science of snow.

Mr. Science: Helping us out today are today’s Junior volunteers, Lonnie and Josh.

Josh: Hi.

Lonnie: Hello.

Mr. Science: Happy holidays guys. Lonnie, what’s your favorite holiday tradition?

Lonnie: Oh, Christmas.

Mr. Science: Okay, well, I love Christmas myself. Josh, what do you want for Christmas?

Josh: Oh, to find out what happened to my brother.

Mr. Science: Okay, well, I was not expecting that. I thought you’d say you want to skateboard or something, but I’m sure your brother will be fine. But hey, let’s talk about snow.

Dr. Science: Now, what do we know about snow? Well, for one, snow forms inside the big things in the sky called… Lonnie.

Lonnie: Stars.

Mr. Science: No. Josh. Starts with a C.

Josh: Si Senor.

Mr. Science: No, the letter C. It’s a C word.

Lonnie: Oh, no. The C word is bad. We can’t say that.

Mr. Science: No, it’s not the C word. Josh. It’s big. It’s white. It’s puffy. It’s…

Josh: My dad.

Mr. Science: Clouds. Snow forms inside clouds.

Dr. Science: Hey, let’s think before we answer, okay?

Mr. Science: Yes, why not?

Dr. Science: Now, snow forms when it gets so cold that the water vapor inside the cloud does what? Lonnie.

Lonnie: Snows.

Dr. Science: No. It’s how water turns into ice. It starts with an F. Josh.

Josh: Photosynthesis.

Dr. Science: That’s double wrong, Josh. Come on guys starts with an F. Free…

Lonnie: Britney?

Dr. Science: Guys. Freeze. Freeze. [Lonnie and Josh stop moving] No, not you. The word was freeze.

Mr. Science: Just like there are rain storms, there are also snow storms.

Lonnie: True.

Mr. Science: I wasn’t asking, but yes that is true.

Josh: Yeah! [Josh and Lonnie do high five]

Mr. Science: No, you don’t high five each other based on… No don’t. No fist bump either. Just stop it. Stop right now.

Dr. Science: Okay, now, for our experiment today, we’re going to make our own snow storm. Now our snow storm will obviously not be as big as a real one. But even if something small, it can still…

Lonnie: Feel good for the girl.

Dr. Science: I don’t follow this.

Lonnie: Because my sister told me that even if a guy has a small thing, it can still feel good if the guy knows what he’s doing.

Dr. Science: Well, that’s a no. Teach a big lesson, you were very, very wrong.

Mr. Science: Your sister however is very, very right. Now, to do this at home, we’ll need some water and a glass. Baby oil. [Lonnie and Josh start playing with the experiment instruments] No, don’t touch that. Please. Stop it. Stop touching, please. Stop it.

Dr. Science: Make sure to have a grown up help you first. Safety first.

Mr. Science: I have a fun safety joke, Josh. KNOCK, KNOCK.

Josh: Come in.

Mr. Science: No, no. Josh, you say “knock knock who’s there?” Okay? Knock knock.

Josh: Who’s there?

Mr. Science: Safety.

Josh: Hi, I’m Josh.

Mr. Science: No, no. Do you know know how this works? You’ve never heard? You say “safety who”. Okay? Knock knock.

Josh: Safety who?

[Mr. Science gets so frustrated that he starts strangling the skeleton dummy in the science lab.]

Dr. Science: Hey, hey, hey. Are you okay? Come back. Come back.

Mr. Science: Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

Dr. Science: Now, we put everything into our glass here except the Alka Seltzer, which we’re going to drop into simulate what happens when cold air meets warm air. Now, get in close guys. Three, two, one. Science. Wow, look. Josh, what’s going on?

Josh: Not much. We have two weeks off for winter break.

Dr. Science: No. Not what’s going on in your life? In here. What’s going on in here? Do you see what I see? What do you see?

Lonnie: Your finger.

Dr. Science: No. Do you see what I see? Something’s going on. Do you see what I see?

Lonnie: [singing] You see what I see
a star, a start,
dancing in the…

Dr. Science: Shut up, you idiots. Look what we made. It’s a it’s a…

Lonnie and Josh: It’s a me Mario.

Mr. Science: No. It’s not a me Mario. Go to commercial.

Dr. Science: I’m gonna turn the camera off.

Minky

Jen Fonger-Ghang… Heidi Gardner

Minky Carmichael… Martin Short

Sarah Sherman

Punkie Johnson

Jada… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro of ‘How You Treat Your Man’ with Minky Carmichael]

[Cut to Jen in show set]

Jen: Ladies, let’s give it up for the King of the 90s, a man that keeps us in line and looking fine, Minky Carmichael.

[Minky walks in]

Minky: Wow. I’m feeling good. I am feeling good. Welcome to How To Treat your man with me Minkee Carmichael. The show to give advice to other fine females in there looking to land a man and keep his ass. As always, I’m joined by my sidekick, the beautiful Jen Fonger-Ghang.

Jen: I love Minky and I hate foolish women. I started drinking early.

Minky: Yes, you did. Now, would you look at all the beautiful ladies in the audience tonight? Who don’t know a damn thing about how to treat their man. Hit it.

[music playing]

[Jen and Minky start dancing]

Minky: Now, that’s how it is.

Jen: This is my church and Minky is my Priest.

Minky: That’s 100% true. Now, who’s got a question for me?

[The women in the audience are raising their hands]

Minky: Okay, white girl with a little head.

Sarah: Oh, me? Oh, okay. Well, hi Minky. So, after a first day, I didn’t sleep with the guy, right? Because I didn’t want to seem loose. But now he’s not calling me back. What did I do wrong?

Minky: Hmm. Let me consult with my relationship calculator. You went on a date. You didn’t put out. And that equals – Of course he’s not calling back. Hit it.

[music playing]

[Jen and Minky start dancing]

And that’s just how it is.

Sarah: Oh, come on, Minky.

Jen: He said what he said. Shut up.

Minky: Next question.

Ego: Minky, hi. Here’s what’s up. I was on a date and found porno in this guy’s VCR. Is that a red flag? What should I do?

Minky: Girl The only VCR I care about is a very cool rack. Slam it.

[music playing]

[Jen and Minky start dancing]

Jen: And that’s what? Just how it is.

Minky: That’s 100% true. Next.

Punkie: Hi, Mickey. Hi, um, here’s my problem. So I was flirting with this guy. And he gave me his number. But I never called him. Does that make me a bad person?

Minky: Uh, yep. Slam it.

[music playing]

[Jen and Minky start dancing]

I’ve never felt better my life. Next.

Jada: Yes. Hi everyone. I’m Jada.

Minky: No, no, no.

Jada: And I went on a date with Minky Carmichael.

Minky: Can we cut her mic?

Jada: Okay. And I gotta say, he had the worst penis I’ve ever seen.

Minky: Yeah, cut her mic now.

Jada: Now, I’m not trying to be mean but it looks like an espresso cup.

Minky: Man, she’s crazy. That is not 100% True. Anyone else have a question?

Ego: Yeah, I have a question. What was so horrible about Minky’s thing?

Jada: Okay, well the length was okay. Just felt like there was nothing inside.

Sarah: What do you mean by that?

Jada: Okay, like at certain point, he asked me “Do you want me to close it?”

Punkie: Oh, hold up? What was there to close?

Jada: I don’t know. But I would definitely describe it as open, like hollow, like a piece of penne.

Jen: Hey, Minky, sounds like you’re packing the worm from Dune.

Minky: You know what? Let me consult my bull crap detecting computer.

Jada: Hold up, Minky, because looks like I’m getting the fax. Oh my god, it’s from the penis hospital. They say you need an emergency appointment. Slam it.

[music playing]

Minky: No, I’m the one who slams it. You don’t slam it.

Jen: Oh, I’m hearing from the producers that we are out of time and canceled. Which means I gotta go back and finish high school. Bye y’all.

Father of the Bride

George… Steve Martin

Annie… Heidi Gardner

Diane Keaton… Chloe Fineman

Martin Short… Franck

Bowen Yang

Selena Gomez

[Starts with a video clip of a beautiful house]

Male voice: This is our home. 24 Maple drive. We bought it when Annie was in grammar school. She even got married here. So many memories.

[Cut to Steve looking outside the window.]

Heidi: Hey, daddy.

Steve: Is that my beautiful daughter?

Heidi: Guess what? I’m engaged again.

Male voice: Father of the Bride, Part 8. Three decades and seven divorces later, Annie’s back and ready to give marriage an 8th shot.

Steve: Annie, what makes you think I can afford an 8th dancy Meyers style wedding? I’m financially drained.

Heidi: But daddy, I’m your little girl.

Steve: You’re 52. Your mom started driving for Lyft to pay your last wedding.

Chloe: Well, jeez. Okay, so did someone say mom?

Male voice: Diane Keaton is back. And more Diane Keaton than ever. She’s an icon in beige. And we’re here for her.

Steve: So who the hell is planning this thing? Don’t tell me… Oh my god, don’t tell me it’s…

[Martin and Bowen walks in]

Martin: Hello. Oh my favorite. Look at you. Hello George.

Steve: No, not again, Franck. I can’t do this, Howard.

Bowen: Hi, George. You still have an outstanding balance from the 5th wedding. You owe me fro the shrimp tower and the two performances by Nicki Minaj.

Heidi: Oh, daddy, can we get Nikki again?

Martin: Of course, now, this is fantastic [unintelligible]. And if you don’t have that, you don’t know what you’re doing, George.

George: What?

Male voice: That’s right. Martin Short is back as the beloved wedding planner Franck, doing the accent that I think is still okay. Let’s all agree that it’s okay.

Franck: So Anne, you’re looking a little used goods. This is fantastic news. Because these are not… I’ve seen bigger lumps in oatmeal. So put them together and make one good one or do something or get the fake one. Whatever you do, it look lovely. But I think you need a little plucking, a little pumping, a little tugging and maybe down there a little, you know, procedure.

Steve: Oh, are you suggesting I pay for my daughter’s vaginal rejuvenation?

[Carrie walks in]

Carrie: Eww. Can we not talk about my sister’s privates right now? I feel like I might blow chunks.

Male voice: Did you forget Carrie Colton was in this movie. So did we. And so did he. But he was. And now he’s on succession. So good for him. And it wouldn’t be a wedding without the whole family there.

Carrie: My sister in a wedding dress? Gross to the max. Oh, by the way, no cake for me. I have a colonoscopy tomorrow.

Franck: But she’s so beautiful. What that mature brain.

Steve: You really are beautiful, Anne, my little girl. My little menopausal girl.

Franck: This is so nice. Father with the bride. But time for the big surprise. Your wedding performer.

[Selena Gomez walks in]

Selena: Hi. What’s up? I’m the wedding singer.

Heidi: My god. Selena Gomez. You’re even more beautiful in real life.

Selena: I know. Thanks.

George: Franck, how much is she gonna cost me

Selena: 1.8 million, easy.

Franck: Oh, come on George, singing to everybody. Let’s sing.

All: Every party has a pooper,
that’s why we invited you,
party pooper!

 

A Visit with Santa

Bowen Yang

Santa… Steve Martin

Elf… Martin Short

Penny… Chloe Fineman

Danny… Andrew Dismukes

Amanda… Ego Nwodim

Lisa… Sarah Sherman

Bowen: Children of all ages, you’ve come to the right place. The actual Mr. Chris Granville himself has come all the way from the North Pole and Santa!

Santa: Ho-ho-ho. That is right. My schedule is a little crazy right now, but there’s no place I’d rather be. Right Sprinkles, the Elf?

Elf: That’s right, Santa. Can’t say no to a hopeful child. Or my name isn’t Pringles the Elf.

Santa: Oh, is it Sprinkles or Pringles?

Elf: It’s sprinkles but sometimes I get excited and I say Pringles. I don’t know. I like Pringles.

Santa: Good. I have been calling you Sprinkles for hundreds of years.

Elf: Right. It’s Sprinkles? I made a mistake.

Santa: Okay, who’s first?

Bowen: This is Penny. She’s nine. And I’m pretty sure she’s your biggest fan.

Penny: Hi, Santa. I love you, Santa.

Santa: Oh, isn’t that sweet? Now what do you want for Christmas this year?

Penny: Well, I would like a Magic Nixies Crystal Ball.

Santa: Oh, that sounds like something I like too.

Penny: And What The Fluff interactive toy cat.

Santa: Oh, well, you’re gonna have to have that.

Penny: And oh. I also…

Elf: [yelling] That’s enough. You asked for two things. That’s enough. Read the room.

Penny: But I want a rainbow high doll.

Elf: I said no. It’s too much. He can’t do it.

Santa: Sprinkles, of course I can do it. I’m Santa. You’ll get all yes for and more, Penny. I promise you.

Penny: Thanks, Santa.

Elf: Next!

Bowen: Is everything okay

Elf: Yes.

Santa: It is?

Elf: I said yes.

Bowen: Okay, this is Danny. He’s 11.

Santa: Hey.

Danny: Hi. My mom says soon I’ll be too old to come see you. So I should go now.

Santa: Nonsense. You’re never too old now. What do you want this year?

Danny: Well, I was thinking I want a Razor X skateboard and Beats wireless headphones and a Todd Snyder popover hoodie.

Elf: Oh my God. Are you trying to kill him?

Danny: What?

Elf: He cannot operate on this level. You want to Todd Snyder what?

Danny: Popover hoodie.

Elf: He doesn’t know what that is.

Santa: Of course I do. It’s like a hoodie with a thing. It’s a wonderful gift.

Elf: What happened to the air pods he got you last year?

Danny: I lost them.

Elf: Ah, you son of a bitch, get out of here. No more shit. [stands and walks to Danny, pulls him off and pushes him out] Now, stay out. Next.

Santa: Sprinkles.

Elf: What?

Santa: You have legs.

Elf: Yes. My god. Three years now. Thanks for noticing.

Santa: Yeah. That’s amazing.

Bowen: Okay, I’m not sure this is a good idea. But this is Amanda.

Santa: Hi, Amanda, aren’t you cute.

Amanda: I want Taylor Swift tickets.

Elf: Say that again. I dare you.

Amanda: I want Taylor Swift tickets.

Elf: [yelling] Then get a job.

Santa: Sprinkles. Can I talk with you?

Elf: What are you doing? You’re just saying yes to everything.

Santa: But I love children.

Elf: There are 2 billion of them. And they all want a fortnight battle passes, whatever the hell it is.

Santa: Sprinkles, calm down. Every year you worry we can’t pull it off. But we always do. And we’ll do it this year too, I promise.

Elf: With fixedness magic?

Santa: Well, there’s this other stuff I heard about. And it’s called speed.

Elf: Speed? What’s that?

Santa: Well, it’s some kind of vitamin that makes you go faster. We just have to figure out where to get some.

Elf: Well, can’t you ask one of the kids that they have any?

Santa: No, I’m not allowed to ask them for stuff. But maybe if one of them brings it up, you know, I can kind of ask them.

Elf: Okay, let’s try.

Santa: Okay. Hi, little girl. What’s your name?

Lisa: Hi, I’m Lisa and I want to pony.

Santa: Oh, that’s great. You know anything about speed?

Lisa: No. What is that?

Santa: Oh, this kid’s nothing. Get out of here.

Elf: Hey wait, that guy knows I bet.

Bowen: Who? Me?

Elf: He knows. He knows.

Santa: He definitely knows. Come here little boy.

[Bowen whispers in Santa’s ears]

Uh-huh. And they take cash.

Elf: Christmas is safe.

A Christmas Carol

Scrooge…Martin Short

Boy… Sarah Sherman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to Charles Dicken’s – A Christmas Carol.

[Cut to Scrooge having a nighrmare]

Scrooge: Please. Enough of these ghostly visions. I want to be a better man. I want to live. [wakes up] Oh, I’m alive. I can’t believe I’m alive. Thank you spirits. Thank you for showing me the way. I’m as light as a feather. I’m as Merry as a schoolboy. I’m as giddy as a drunken man. And I will change. I swear to you and I will change. I just hope it’s not too late. [opens the window and points at a boy] You, lad. You down there.

Boy: Me?

Scrooge: Yes, you boy. Tell me what day is today?

Boy: It’s Christmas Day, sir.

Scrooge: Ah! Christmas! Then I haven’t missed it. The spirits came in all in one night. My dear boy, you know the prized goose in the window down the street?

Boy: The one as big as me?

Scrooge: That’s the one. Go and buy it so the Tiny Tim and his family might have a Christmas feast.

Boy: What shall I buy it with, sir? I’m so poor.

Scrooge: Well, with this, of course. [Throws a golden coin. The coin flips and flips, then hits the boy’s eye and hurts him]

Boy: Ah! Oh my god. What the hell are you doing? I’m blind.

Scrooge: Why didn’t you catch it?

Boy: You’re blaming me?

Scrooge: Then here, okay? Please take this for your medical bills.

Boy: What’s that?

[Scrooge throws another golden coin. The coin hits the boy’s another eye and hurts him]

Oh my god!

Mikey: This crazy old man is whipping coins into the eyes of orphans.

Scrooge: I didn’t know he was an orphan.

Boy: Yeah? Like I look like I have living parents?

[A spirit appears in Scrooge’s room]

Spirit: Hey, Scrooge. Just thought I’d check in and see how you… [see’s the boy’s eyes] Oh my god.

Mikey: Someone arrest that man. He’s blinding children for sport.

Andrew: He’s always been a cruel old man. He hates us orphans.

Spirit: Let me guess. You tossed the coin way up in the air, right? That’s a classic mistake. What do you want to do is toss the coin straight down. Now watch this. [Throws a coin. The coin hits Andrew’s eye now.]

Mikey: What are you doing?

Boy: I couldn’t see what happened.

Molly: He’s blinding whole town here.

Spirit: Okay, that was my bad. Here, kid. Put the ice on it. [Throws an ice which then pierces Andrew. Andrew is bleeding all over other people.]

Scrooge: That was him [pointing at spirit]

Spirit: Yeah, they can’t see me because I’m a ghost. So you look like a total psychopath.

Tiny Tim: Is it true Mr. Scrooge? Are you blinding children for fun?

Scrooge: Of course not, Tiny Tim. I’m a changed man. I tell you. Now, take this money to fix your legs. I’ll just throw it on the ground right then you can pick it up okay?

[Scrooge throws a coin on the ground, but it bounces and breaks Tiny Tim’s crutch. Tiny tim falls into sewer.]

Mikey: Scrooge just threw Tiny Tim into a sewer.

Molly: He’s the devil.

Spirit: Okay, my earlier advice was to be nicer to people, but my new advice is to lawyer up.

Scrooge: It’s fine. I can take care of this. Lets everyone keep quiet about this whole incident, shall we? And I’ll make it worth your while.

[Scrooge throws a bunch of coins which now is hurting a lot of people.]

Mikey: Please stop yelling and throwing shiny objects. You’re going to spook the horse.

[The horse kicks Mikey’s head off]

Scrooge: Okay, well, we’ve all learned a lot today, haven’t we? But the most important lesson is, Merry Christmas.

[Scrooge closes the window. The glass shatters and falls off, and hurts a lot of people again.]

Male voice: Apple pay, never use coins again.

5-Timers Cold Open

Paul Rudd

Tom Hanks

Tina Fey

Kenan Thompson

Steve Martin

Martin Short

[Starts with Tom Hanks walking into the SNL stage]

Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Hello, hello. Thank you. I’m Tom Hanks. Thank you, surviving crew members. Tonight, everyone at Saturday Night Live planned to do our big Christmas show and adopt a new member into the five timers club. But COVID came early this year. So, in the interest of safety, we do not have an audience and we sent home our cast, most of our crew, but I came here from California and I didn’t think I was gonna fly 3000 miles and not be on TV, well, you got another thing coming. And I am not alone. Isn’t that right, Tina?

[Tina Fey walks in]

Tina Fey: Whoo! Yeah. Clapping by myself. Making the weirdness festive. Yes, I am here and this is not the smallest audience I’ve ever performed for because I have done improv in a Macy’s.

Tom Hanks: Tina, another five times. Thank you for joining me. As you know, I started the five timers club.

Tina Fey: Oh, like you started COVID.

Tom Hanks: Exactly. And tonight, we plan to welcome Paul Rudd to the club and we are not going to let this stop us. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rudd.

[Paul Rudd walks in the stage through the door]

Paul Rudd: Wow.

Tom Hanks: Good to see you, kiddo.

Paul Rudd: Oh! Thank you, thank you. Thank you for coming. Thanks for coming. I’m extremely disappointed.

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah, I know, buddy.

Tom Hanks: Well, it’s not all that bad. People magazine just named you the most sexist man of the Year.

Paul Rudd: Oh, I think it was sexiest.

Tom Hanks: [sarcasm] Okay, right, yeah.

Paul Rudd: Well, there was a whole show planned. And I just can’t believe I’m not going to get my five timer jacket.

Tom Hanks: Or will you? Here to bestow this great honor is the longest tenured cast member, Mr. Kenan Thompson.

[Kenan Thompson walks in with a 5 timers’ jacket]

Kenan Thompson: Ha-ha-ha. Good to see you. Good to see you. [looking around] Whoa! Where is everybody?

Paul Rudd: Kenan, having you heard?

Kenan Thompson: Heard what? About the thing that’s going around?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, covid.

Kenan Thompson: Well, is that real?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s real.

Kenan Thompson: I’m just kidding. Come on. We’re having a good time. Congratulations on hosting the show four and half times.

[Kenan Thompson puts on the jacket on Paul Rudd]

Paul Rudd: Oh! Look at that. It’s beautiful. Look at this stitching.

Tina fey: Yeah, Lorn’s getting really good.

Paul Rudd: Wow.

Tom Hanks: Now, Paul, I know this is it exactly the five timer experience you were hoping for but someone did pre record a very special message just for you. Can we roll that? Let’s roll that.

[Cut to a video clip from Steve Martin]

Steve Martin: Hi, it’s me, famous Steve Martin. Tonight. I just want to congratulate Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: I’m a huge fan of Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: …and Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: …one of my favorite movies, Forest…

Dubbed voice: …Ant-man.

[Martin Short walks in with a glass of water]

Martin Short: [whispering] It’s Paul Rudd.

Steve Martin: Oh, it’s Martin Short. You remember the five timers club? Right?

Martin Short: No.

Steve Martin: How many times have you hosted?

Martin Short: Three.

Steve Martin: Huh! [Steve Martin pushes Martin Short away] So congratulations, Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

[Cut back to the SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: Oh, wow. Thanks.

Tom Hanks: I just thought that was great.

Kenan Thompson: And don’t worry, we still have a great show for everybody, including brand new sketches taped earlier this week.

Tina Fey: And we were also going to show some of our personal favorite sketches from past episodes.

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s gonna be a little bit like a new Beatles documentary. A lot of old footage, but enough new stuff that you’re like, “Okay, yeah, I’ll watch that.”

Tom Hanks: So, get us started Mr. Sexy five timer.

Paul Rudd: Okay.

Kamala

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Doug Emhoff… Martin Short

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Ella Emhoff… Chloe Fineman

Raphael Warnock… Kenan Thompson

Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with an announcement]

Male voice: And now a message from the vice-president of the United States.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Good evening, America. I’m vice-president Kamala Harris. This has been a difficult year for all of us but I really do feel that we are about to see some light. And what better night to celebrate a new beginning than Passover? Or as my adopted people call it – Pesach. That’s why it’s time for … [music playing] A Kamala Harris Unity Seder. Tonight, we’ll be asking four questions. How’s school? Did you eat? When are you giving me grandchildren? And what’s with that haircut? And I cannot have all by my lonesome. So help me host this, I’d like to introduce my rock, my everything, my Semitic smokes show, my step baby daddy, Doug Emhoff. Get on out here, sexy.

[Doug Emhoff walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Doug Emhoff: No, I can’t do this. I’m too shy. I’m just a shy entertainment lawyer.

Kamala Harris: Oh, come on. No, Doug. All you have to do is pretend it’s just us, baby.

Doug Emhoff: Oh. [romantic music playing. Doug Emhoff holds Kamala Harris from behind.] Well, I just want you to know– Listen to me, girl. I support you. Every time you look around, it’s so good to be there for you, honey.

Kamala Harris: Oh, you better be.

Doug Emhoff: But time to time, you’re gonna look around and I’m not going to be there.

Kamala Harris: Oh no.

Doug Emhoff: But that’s just me telling you – “You got this, baby!”

Kamala Harris: Oh, the support. You’re my load-bearing wall. You hold up my roof. And you’re always on top of my basement.

[doorbell ringing]

Doug Emhoff: Strangers? I don’t like strangers. They frighten me.

Kamala Harris: It’s alright, babe. Our first guest is here. In the spirit of Pesach, I reached across the aisle. Joe Biden gave me a list of republicans to reach out to and I’m starting at the bottom.

[opens the door. Ted Cruz walks in with a tray of cookies.]

Ted Cruz: You started at the bottom and now I’m here.

Kamala Harris: Welcome to my home, Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz: Well, hey. I’ve never been to a Jewish dinner. So, I brought some Israeli flag cupcakes. I’ve got a ton of these left over from C-PAC. And I got some pinks in the blanket.

Kamala Harris: Well, we can’t have pork or bread. So, thank you.

Ted Cruz: Ay, by the way, somebody scraped the crap out of Prius in your driveway. No idea who did it. Probably my daughters. Definitely wasn’t me. My only crime is loving too much and sedition.

Doug Emhoff: That’s my Prius, but it’s all good.

Kamala Harris: Ted, may I ask what’s going on with your hair, hun? I see serial killer on the side and bait and tackle stop owner in the front.

Ted Cruz: Well, in the honor of Passover, I had my haircut done by a moyle.

[music playing. Ella Emhoff suddenly walks in like walking on fashion show ramp.]

Ella Emhoff: Shalom to the children.

Kamala Harris: America, Ted, meet my beautiful and supremely talented step-daughter, Ella Emhoff.

Ted Cruz: Boy, boy. So, what am I looking at here?

Ella Emhoff: Am I breaking your eyes? Good. You may think I look insane but I assure you I’m the most normal looking girl in Bushwick. Mama list every month so I while I’m serving lukes.

Kamala Harris: Aw, thank you, Ella. You’re really elevating this seder.

Doug Emhoff: So put out the gefilte fish.

Ella Emhoff: Okay, dad. All this is going on my mood board because Issa-bibe.

[music playing. Ella Emhoff walks out like on the fashion show ramp.]

[doorbell ringing]

Kamala Harris: Oh, let’s see who’s at the door. [Kamala Harris opens the door. Raphael Warnock walks in with a bottle of wine] Well, it’s reverend senator, Raphael Warnock.

Raphael Warnock: Alright. Shalom, y’all. Jon Osoff told me to bring some man-a-shevitz.

Kamala Harris: So, how are things going in Georgia?

Raphael Warnock: Oh, you saw “Roots”, right? That’s how it’s going in Georgia.

Kamala Harris: Well, we need to make sure we keep Georgia blue for the next presidential election. And the one after that.

Raphael Warnock: Well, that won’t be easy. They’ll do everything they can to keep black people from voting. We wouldn’t vote on anything if they had their way. Not even American Idol. Jennifer Hudson would have been knocked down in the first round. Jennifer damn Hudson, y’all!

Kamala Harris: No! Not J-Hud!

Raphael Warnock: Right? Oh! Raphael spies a boiled egg. If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna have a nosh.

Kamala Harris: You get that egg, senator! Alright, go for it, reverend senator, Raphael Warnock.

[doorbell ringing]

Doug Emhoff: Who could that be? Elijah?

Kamala Harris: Good one, sweetie.

[Joe Biden lets himself in]

Joe Biden: Hey.

Kamala Harris: Hey, it’s Joe Biden. How are you, Joe Biden?

Joe Biden: Hey, folks. Did y’all catch my press conference? So easy. A lot of critics thought I wan’t mentally prepared enough but [reading his cheat sheet] I think I proved them all wrong. Oh, Kamala. I’m not sure if you heard but I’m putting you in charge of solving the immigration problem down at the Mexican border.

Kamala Harris: Yes. I did hear that. Wow. Thank you for the opportunity. Such a fun solve a problem. And what are you in charge of?

Joe Biden: Moi? Giving out checks. Who wants steemies? Whoo! Ha-ha. Make it rain.

Kamala Harris: Oh, Joe Biden. Oh, and guess what? I got a little Passover surprise for y’all. [Kamala Harris walks out and brings in a German Shepard] Here he is. Come on here. That’s right. That’s my dog, Major. He’s back from being retrained. It’s all better now, aren’t you, Major? Sweet pooch.

[Major growling]

Kamala Harris: Thank god we can all hangout and that we’re all vaccinated. Isn’t it great?

[Major jumps on Doug Emhoff. Doug Emhoff is trying to get rid of him.]

Ted Cruz: Thanks to president Trump, operation [Doug Emhoff grunting].

Kamala Harris: I don’t know about that. Did you catch my press conference, Ted?

Ted Cruz: Yeah, I did. Boring. I switched over to ice road and trucker’s marathon.

[the dog runs out and Doug Emhoff escapes]

Doug Emhoff: Thank god, something spooked that hell hound.

Kamala Harris: Well, it’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene getting in through the window]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s looks pretty swanky for ANTIFA headquarters.

Kamala Harris: Marjorie, why didn’t you just knock on the door?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, no. Ever since January 6, I’ve only been entering dwelling insurrection style. I don’t trust doors. Door’s what’s destroying this country. I’ll only enter rooms through HVAC ducts, windows and SURR systems.

Kamala Harris: Doug? Honey, a word?

[everyone leaves and it’s only Kamala Harris and Doug Emhoff]

Doug Emhoff: What baby? What?

Kamala Harris: Baby I’m worried this unity thing is splitting everybody apart.

Doug Emhoff: Shh, come on. There’s a Passover seder song called Deyenu, and the refrain is it would have been enough. And if you’re just vice president–

Kamala Harris: On no, that won’t be enough.

Doug Emhoff: Okay. I want you. I want you. I want your lips.

Zoom Catch-Up

Dave… Beck Bennett

Connie… Aidy Bryant

Laura… Melissa Villaseñor

Ripleyk… Kenan Thompson

Deidre… Heidi Gardner

Ripley… Martin Short

Dave: Well, guys, it’s been four hours. We got anything else to talk about?

Connie: Yeah. I’m sorry but who makes their friends wait four hours for Zoom?

Mark: Well, I can think of two people. Deidre and Ripley.

[Deidre and Ripley join them. They’re speaking in Italian accent.]

Deirdre: Hi, my little kitkats.

Ripley: Hi, dollies. Hi dolly babies. I miss you.

Deirdre: Oh, how are you? What’s new, my precious kitkats?

Dave: Hi Deidre and Ripley. Um, we’ve actually been waiting for you guys for four hours.

Ripley: Oh, please forgive us. We just got back from Milano.

Deirdre: Yeah. Losianto. We’re still on Italian time.

Laura: Oh, my god! You guys were stuck in Italy?

Deirdre: Stuck? No. Use your brain. We traveled there.

Ripley: For la quarantina.

Connie: Sorry. So, you guys voluntarily traveled to the epicenter of the pandemic quarantine?

Deirdre and Ripley: Si. To quarantina.

Deirdre: Oh, the food, the people, the wine.

Ripley: We saw none of it. The streets were mutto emptissimo.

Deirdre: There’s nothing like la quarantina in la springa.

Mark: You will not call it quarantina. Not while my ears can hear.

Dave: Yeah. It’s not exactly carnivale.

Ripley: No, no, no, dumb dummies. Carnivale is in Brazil.

Deirdre: So, quarantina is the celebration of all things pandemico global.

Connie: Okay. Well, our quarantine hasn’t really been a vacation.

[Now Deirdre and Ripley are speaking in Atlanta American accent.]

Deirdre: Oh, in Atlanta?

Ripley: You’re all in quarantine down in Atlanta?

Deirdre: How y’all holding up in Sweet Georgia quarantine?

Mark: Stop that.

Laura: Anyway. Great news, you guys. My grandma has completely recovered. She’s back home now.

All: Oh, that’s great.

Deirdre: What does that have to do with anything, girl?

Ripley: Why would we care about that? That’s useless.

Deirdre: Ripley, tell them about our Italiano adventure.

[starts speaking in Italian accent again]

Ripley: I definitely will. So, one night, we just wanted to roam the streets, smell the mozarella air. And lo and behold, I see an authentic Italiano.

Deirdre: So, I ran full speed at him. I mean, I had to hug a local.

Ripley: And I grabbed him really aggressively and he was very old, a horrible cough. I gave him the double kiss to show my amor.

Deirdre: And you know, he went like this. [showing palm] And this in quarantina means the same as this in quarantine.

Connie: Are you guys okay? Like, in the mentals? Like, are you talking to anyone?

Ripley: And this really old wrinkled dude gets really upset with me. And he starts spanking us towards the boat. “Pronto, pronto, get to the boat.”

Deirdre: Oh. And we figure it’s quarantino, why not? So, we grabbed a couple of boxes and we get on the cruise.

Ripley: Oh, it was so gorgeous. There’s barely room to move. Wooden crates everywhere you look.

Deirdre: Oh. Stamped with the word ‘ventilators,’ ‘surgical maskos.’

Ripley: And the captain kind of a peach. Breath wasn’t perfect but, you know, it is Italy. And he comes over and he says– Oh, I wish I could speak Italian. How does he say it?

Deirdre: Just say it in English.

Ripley: Alright. He was a Somali smuggler of medical gear.

Dave: Okay. I’m sorry. Just to be clear, you guys were helping ship PPE out of Italy?

Mark: Yeah. Sounds exactly right for you guys. Okay, bye. [logs out.]

Dave: Yeah, bye guys.

[Everybody signs out.]

Deirdre: Ciao.

Ripley: Ciao.

Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Harold Bornstein… Martin Short

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Host… Heidi Gardner

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Omarosa Manigault… Leslie Jones

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johansson

Jared Kushner… Jimmy Fallon

Stormy Daniels

[Starts with a video message “The following is based on real events.”]

[Cut to Michael Cohen walking around a telephone booth. He is wearing a suit. He picks up the phone and dials the number. The phone is connecting.]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [answering the phone] Hello, it’s Donald Trump. Who this?

Michael Cohen: It’s Michael Cohen. God, I miss you so much.

Donald Trump: Oh, hey. What’s up, amigo? How you holding up in prison?

Michael Cohen: I’m not in prison.

Donald Trump: Oh, well. Give it a couple of weeks.

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, we’re in big trouble. I think they know about our allusion-K and obstruction of justice, J.

Donald Trump: Sorry. I don’t speak Spanish.Wait, are you on a secure line?

Michael Cohen: Absolutely. I dialed *Mike PenceMelania Trump before the numbers. So, it’s completely untraceable.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.]

[Cut back to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Listen, Trump. I don’t know what to do. You keep changing your story on Stormy Daniels payment.

Donald Trump: Look. Let’s get Rudy Giuliani on the phone. He’ll fix this. He’s got the sharpest legal mind since my cousin Vinny.

Michael Cohen: Um, okay. But, just to be safe let me call you back with one of my burner phones.

Donald Trump: Wait, you kept the burner phones? That’s not good.

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone, and dials the number on his burner phone.]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein.]

Harold Bornstein: [Harold Bornstein answering the phone] Yes, hello. This is Dr. Harold Bornstein. Would you like to know any of my patient’s medical history?

Michael Cohen: Dammit! I tried to dial Trump Donald but I dialed Trump doctor.

Harold Bornstein: Is this you, Michael Cohen? Michael, I’m glad you called. Someone broke into my office and stole my file. I guess you could say I was [yelling] raped!

Michael Cohen: I don’t think you could say that.

Harold Bornstein: Well, I already did. [yelling] Raped!

Michael Cohen: Alright. Can we talk about this later?

Harold Bornstein: No. I’m busy later. [giggling] No, I’m kidding. I have zero commitment personally and professionally. But if you ever want to do drugs, I can get you all the drugs.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.]

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein]

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll call you back, Harold. Goodbye.

Harold Bornstein: Okay. I’ll just be sitting here in my office where I live. [yelling] Bye!

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone and dials another number.]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: [answering the phone] Hello.

Michael Cohen: Rudy? Is that you?

Rudy Giuliani: Yes. That’s right. It’s me, Rudy. Rudy Giuliani. Trump’s lawyer and his worst nightmare.

Michael Cohen: Rudy, can we speak freely? Are you alone?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani in the set of an interview at FOX News. The host is sitting right next to him.]

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah. Yeah. I’m pretty much alone. [to Sarah Huckabee Sanders] This is a commercial break, right toots?

Host: No.

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Yeah, we’re, good to talk. Good to talk.

Michael Cohen: Alright. Let in loop in Mr. Trump. [Rudy Giuliani presses buttons] Alright, is everyone on?

[Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Yes.

Rudy Giuliani: Yes.

[The FBI Agents are nodding their heads yes.]

Michael Cohen: Guys, can we please just decide on one lie and stick to it? Coz our stories are all over the place.

Donald Trump: Guys, hold that thought. I’m getting a call from work. [Donald Trump presses a button.]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Mr. President, I have lost all credibility. Did you lie to me about the Stormy Daniels affair?

Donald Trump: Yeah. That sounds like something I would do.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good. Just as long as we’re on the same page. I’m good to go. See you on Monday.

[Donald Trump presses a button.]

[Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Okay, I’m back.

Rudy Giuliani: Guys, guys, can we hurry this up? I’m supposed to do 25 more talk show appearances today and I’m trying to make it like an advert calendar where I reveal one new crime in each show.

[phone ringing]

Michael Cohen: Oh, I’m getting another call. Hang on.

[Michael Cohen answers the phone]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Hello, Michael. It’s Melania.

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey, Melania. I was just talking to Donald about–

Melania Trump: Yeah, yeah. Listen, I have completely hypothetical question for a friend of mine, okay? If your husband is accused of crime, would she have to testify against him?

Michael Cohen: No.

Melania Trump: But could she? If she wants to?

Michael Cohen: I guess she could.

Melania Trump: Oh, my friend will be so happy. Thank you Michael.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone. He is looking at all the phones and is confused.]

Michael Cohen: Wait, which phone was Mr. Trump on? [looks at one phone and speaks on it] Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Omarosa Manigault]

Omarosa Manigault: Yeah. This is Omarosa an I’m still pissed off.

Michael Cohen: No!

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Hi there, stranger. What’s your name?

Michael Cohen: Mike Pence?

Mike Pence: Who is this? I was told this was a party line with no questions asked?

Michael Cohen: Ah! I gotta call you back.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are standing together. Ivanka is on the phone.]

Ivanka Trump: Yes, this is Ivanka and Jared. [cheers and applause]

Jared Kushner: [squeaky voice] Hi, hi. Hello.

Ivanka Trump: Michael, did we hear Giuliani called Jared disposable on national television? Coz, Jared is furious.

Jared Kushner: [yelling] Yeah, man! Like, what the hell? I’m so mad right now. You didn’t even want to see me. I mean, I could cut a bitch! Don’t ever try to cover me. [making noise]

Michael Cohen: Listen. Ivanka, you know your dad would do anything to protect you. But if he needs to, he’d throw Jared under the bus in a heartbeat.

Jared Kushner: What did he say?

Ivanka Trump: He said you’re fine.

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll talk to you later.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Mr. Trump?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Where the hell were you Michael? I don’t have time to wait on hold. I was supposed to be meeting with my new chief strategist, Kanye West.

Michael Cohen: What do you want me to do?

Donald Trump: Call up Stormy Daniels and fix this once and for all. Maybe keep me on the phone too. I’ll just be quiet and listen.

[Michael Cohen presses buttons]

[Cut to Stormy Daniels answering the phone]

Stormy Daniels: Hello.

[Cut to split screen with Stormy Daniels, Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: Stormy, this is Michael Cohen. Are you alone?

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Donald Trump: And what are you wearing?

Stormy Daniels: Excuse me?

[Michael Cohen is pissed off that Donald Trump spoke]

Donald Trump: Okay, Michael. I can take it from here.

Michael Cohen: Okay. But as your attorney, I highly advice against you–

[Donald Trump cuts Michael Cohen from the line]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels.]

Donald Trump: So, wad up, girl?

Stormy Daniels: Hello, Donald.

Donald Trump: Come on, Stormy. Stop making such a big deal about this. Everyone knows it’s just an act.

Stormy Daniels: I work in adult films. We’re really not known for our acting.

Donald Trump: Just tell me what do you need for this to all go away?

Stormy Daniels: A resignation.

Donald Trump: Yeah, right. Being president is like doing porn. Once you do it, it’s hard to do anything else. Besides, my poll numbers are finally up. And speaking of polls being up–

Stormy Daniels: Donald?

Donald Trump: Oh, come on. We’ll always have shark week. I solved North and South Korea. But can I solve us?

Stormy Daniels: Sorry, Donald. It’s too late for that. I know you don’t believe in climate change but a storm’s coming, baby.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’ve never been so scared and so horny at the same time.

Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.