Trump Train Visit Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Emily Kohrs… Chloe Fineman

Male voice: You’re watching C span. Up next, former President Trump addresses residents of East Palestine, Ohio, following this month’s train derailment.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hello everyone. Hello, it’s wonderful to be here in the town of East Palestine. Not a great name. But I had to come here and see these wonderful people who have been abandoned by Biden. He’s on spring break in Ukraine with his friends Zelensky in the t-shirt, very disrespectful. Zelensky thinks he’s rocking that ringadee like Scott Pilgrim. But I’m here and I brought hats, cameras and hats, because it’s terrible what’s happening here. You know, earlier today a farmer came up to me, big fella, and he said, “Sir, we have nothing to eat because dirt is poison.” And I said, “Well, what are you doing eating the dirt? Don’t eat the dirt, folks. Don’t eat the dirt. You should be eating the cold McDonald’s I brought you. And the bottled water, Trump ice.”

I’ll be honest, I just put my sticker on some Dasani. We like to say Dasani. I’ve heard all about your situation with the water, but I was looking at your river and it’s so shiny. I’ve never seen water so beautiful. Beautiful rainbows and discolorations. It’s wearing makeup. Fendy Beauty Water. Fendi by Rihanna. Rihanna. By the way you know she was pregnant doing Super Bowl, can you believe that? I said, “Of course, she is. She’s not moving at all. It was just arms, right?” She was just doing arms the whole time.

But your train exploded and who do we blame? Who do we blame. We blame Buttigieg. Pete Buttigeig. This was his responsibility. Unfortunately he was too busy being a nerd and being gay to have dealt with a very much more important issue of should drains have big poison? And I have to tell you, I call him Pete Butt. I call him Pete Butt. There’s no way around it. That’s just the best one. Believe me, I’ve tried it every which way and it really doesn’t get better than Pete Butt. But this would have never happened  under my administration. People are saying I made the trains less safe. Not true, okay? Not true. I did a lot for trains. I made them bigger, faster, less safe perhaps. I’m here paying my respects because your train exploded and now your birds and fish are all dead. That’s got to not be so great. Wake up in the morning and not hear the beautiful chirping of birds and instead of your train’s exploding and derailing all over the place. You’re town is hurting, that’s why you need me. I feel like I could “Schitt’s Creek” this place, right? But I need the big eyebrows, right? That guy Schitts Creek, he’s got big eyebrows. You watched Schitts Creek? No you guys watch Yellowstone.

Anyway, I have a very special surprise guest for you today. You’ve seen a blinding all over TV this week. It’s the foreman of the Georgia, Grand Jury investigating me, Ms. Emily Kohrs.

Emily Kohrs: Oh my god. This is so cool. First Giuliani and now you. Good day, sir.

Donald Trump: She’s an odd duck but we like her. She’s either 7 or 40. We can’t tell. And she’s got a very big secret for such a kooky little lady.

Emily Kohrs: Potentially. I might. I don’t know. Eeeeeee.

Donald Trump: Wow, we don’t like that. We don’t like that sound. Because she knows if I’m getting indicted. She’s a head juror, can you believe that? They elected her. They’ll elect anyone. I started that. Come on, spill the tea. Come on.

Emily Kohrs: Nope. You just want me to ruin the case. But I guess I can say we’ve been saying your name a lot.

Donald Trump: Can you believe that? They almost had me and then this little horse girl comes in and saves the day. Thank you Emily.

Emily Kohrs: Farewell.

Donald Trump: Do we like her or what? Right? She looks like Haley Joel Osment and she’s my best friend. Well, I’m gonna get out of here soon because the air is full of poison, but you know everyone in Ohio has asked me “What do I do now? There’s poison gas in the air.” Could be a good thing, right? I know some of the husbands are happy to have the stinky gas as an excuse, right? I mean, “Did you pass gas?” “No, it was the train.” Right? Blame the train, right? You’d normally blame it on the dog, but they’re all done now aren’t they? So in conclusion, Schitt’s Creek, Rihanna, Pete Butt and live from New York and Saturday night.

A Visit with Santa

Bowen Yang

Santa… Steve Martin

Elf… Martin Short

Penny… Chloe Fineman

Danny… Andrew Dismukes

Amanda… Ego Nwodim

Lisa… Sarah Sherman

Bowen: Children of all ages, you’ve come to the right place. The actual Mr. Chris Granville himself has come all the way from the North Pole and Santa!

Santa: Ho-ho-ho. That is right. My schedule is a little crazy right now, but there’s no place I’d rather be. Right Sprinkles, the Elf?

Elf: That’s right, Santa. Can’t say no to a hopeful child. Or my name isn’t Pringles the Elf.

Santa: Oh, is it Sprinkles or Pringles?

Elf: It’s sprinkles but sometimes I get excited and I say Pringles. I don’t know. I like Pringles.

Santa: Good. I have been calling you Sprinkles for hundreds of years.

Elf: Right. It’s Sprinkles? I made a mistake.

Santa: Okay, who’s first?

Bowen: This is Penny. She’s nine. And I’m pretty sure she’s your biggest fan.

Penny: Hi, Santa. I love you, Santa.

Santa: Oh, isn’t that sweet? Now what do you want for Christmas this year?

Penny: Well, I would like a Magic Nixies Crystal Ball.

Santa: Oh, that sounds like something I like too.

Penny: And What The Fluff interactive toy cat.

Santa: Oh, well, you’re gonna have to have that.

Penny: And oh. I also…

Elf: [yelling] That’s enough. You asked for two things. That’s enough. Read the room.

Penny: But I want a rainbow high doll.

Elf: I said no. It’s too much. He can’t do it.

Santa: Sprinkles, of course I can do it. I’m Santa. You’ll get all yes for and more, Penny. I promise you.

Penny: Thanks, Santa.

Elf: Next!

Bowen: Is everything okay

Elf: Yes.

Santa: It is?

Elf: I said yes.

Bowen: Okay, this is Danny. He’s 11.

Santa: Hey.

Danny: Hi. My mom says soon I’ll be too old to come see you. So I should go now.

Santa: Nonsense. You’re never too old now. What do you want this year?

Danny: Well, I was thinking I want a Razor X skateboard and Beats wireless headphones and a Todd Snyder popover hoodie.

Elf: Oh my God. Are you trying to kill him?

Danny: What?

Elf: He cannot operate on this level. You want to Todd Snyder what?

Danny: Popover hoodie.

Elf: He doesn’t know what that is.

Santa: Of course I do. It’s like a hoodie with a thing. It’s a wonderful gift.

Elf: What happened to the air pods he got you last year?

Danny: I lost them.

Elf: Ah, you son of a bitch, get out of here. No more shit. [stands and walks to Danny, pulls him off and pushes him out] Now, stay out. Next.

Santa: Sprinkles.

Elf: What?

Santa: You have legs.

Elf: Yes. My god. Three years now. Thanks for noticing.

Santa: Yeah. That’s amazing.

Bowen: Okay, I’m not sure this is a good idea. But this is Amanda.

Santa: Hi, Amanda, aren’t you cute.

Amanda: I want Taylor Swift tickets.

Elf: Say that again. I dare you.

Amanda: I want Taylor Swift tickets.

Elf: [yelling] Then get a job.

Santa: Sprinkles. Can I talk with you?

Elf: What are you doing? You’re just saying yes to everything.

Santa: But I love children.

Elf: There are 2 billion of them. And they all want a fortnight battle passes, whatever the hell it is.

Santa: Sprinkles, calm down. Every year you worry we can’t pull it off. But we always do. And we’ll do it this year too, I promise.

Elf: With fixedness magic?

Santa: Well, there’s this other stuff I heard about. And it’s called speed.

Elf: Speed? What’s that?

Santa: Well, it’s some kind of vitamin that makes you go faster. We just have to figure out where to get some.

Elf: Well, can’t you ask one of the kids that they have any?

Santa: No, I’m not allowed to ask them for stuff. But maybe if one of them brings it up, you know, I can kind of ask them.

Elf: Okay, let’s try.

Santa: Okay. Hi, little girl. What’s your name?

Lisa: Hi, I’m Lisa and I want to pony.

Santa: Oh, that’s great. You know anything about speed?

Lisa: No. What is that?

Santa: Oh, this kid’s nothing. Get out of here.

Elf: Hey wait, that guy knows I bet.

Bowen: Who? Me?

Elf: He knows. He knows.

Santa: He definitely knows. Come here little boy.

[Bowen whispers in Santa’s ears]

Uh-huh. And they take cash.

Elf: Christmas is safe.

Visit With Santa Cold Open

Elf… kate McKinnon

Santa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Santa ready to meet the children at Macy’s. Elf is wearing elf dress. Santa is sitting on a chair.]

Elf: Okay, kids. Santa’s back from his lunch break. He’s back from up at the north pole, a.k.a., Panda Express.

Santa: Ha-ha. That’s right, and he’s ready to hear you Christmas wishes. Ho-ho-ho.

Elf: Hey, [to a kid] what about you? My little boy. Are you ready to talk to Santa?

[The boy walks to Santa and sits on his lap]

Tyler: Yeah.

Santa: Alright. Well, get on up here, young man. What’s your name?

Tyler: Tyler.

Santa: And Tyler, what would you like for Santa to bring you this year?

Tyler: Could I get a mega-blocks dinosaur?

Santa: Well, I think that can be arranged.

Tyler: And, could I get laser tag?

Santa: Well, I can certainly try.

Tyler: And, can you tell me what did Al Franken do?

Santa: Okay, wow. Let’s see. Um, I think I can handle the mega-blocks and the laser tag. [to Elf] Can you take the Al Franken thing?

Elf: No. And, in this climate, can you just call me Amy?

Santa: Absolutely. Okay, well, Tyler, I guess you could say that Al Franken is on Santa’s naughty list this year.

Tyler: And what about Roy Moore? Which list is he on?

Elf: It’s not really a list. It’s more of a registry.

Santa: Okay, you know what? We should keep this line moving along. Okay. Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas, Tyler. Okay, who’s up next?

[The boy leaves. Elf calls a girl.]

Jessica: Hi, Santa. I’m Jessica.

Santa: Merry Christmas, Jessica. What would you like from Santa?

Jessica: I wanted to follow up on Tyler’s question. Is president Trump on the naughty list?

Santa: Well, you know, Santa tries to stay out of political matters. Our president may have said or done a few naughty things.

Elf: 19 accusers. Google it.

Santa: [to Elf] Okay. Can we not? Can we just not? Amy? Thanks. [to the girl] Look, Jessica, I’m sure we can all learn a lesson from what’s going on in the news.

Jessica: We sure can. I learned that if you admit that you did something wrong, you get in trouble. But if you deny it, they let you keep your job.

Santa: Well, okay. Careful there, Jessica. Or you might get some coal in your stocking.

Jessica: From where? We both know coal is a dying industry.

Santa: Okay, thank you very much. Merry Christmas.

[The girl walks away. Another boy comes in.]

Okay. Hello.

Billy: Hi, Santa. My name is Billy and I want a football.

Santa: Well, you got it, Billy.

Billy: I love football. Why did the players kneel during the national anthem? Do they hate the troops?

Santa: No! They’re just kneeling because they’re tired.

Billy: From all the brain injuries?

Santa: You know what? Sure. Let’s just go with that. Somehow that’s the happier version. Alright, Merry Christmas, Billy.

Billy: Go Brogo.

Santa: Yeah. Right. to the hospital. Alright.

[The boy walks out. Another girl walks in]

Hello.

Girl: Hi, Santa. I already asked my dad for an American Girl doll.

Santa: Well, that sounds like fun.

Girl: But my dad says he can’t afford any presents until the tax cut trickles down from the wealthiest 1%.

Santa: Well, you know, that’s economics. Santa didn’t study economics. He studies musical theater which is perhaps why he’s working as a Santa at this mall right now.

Girl: And I heard the new tax bill add $1 trillion to the national debt. Is that naughty?

Santa: Well, you know, I’m sure they’re just trying to make things friendlier for businesses.

Elf: Actually, Santa, thanks to that much needed tax cut, [pointing at the girl] this little ray of sunshine will be forking over her social security checks to the Chinese. And if she thinks she’s getting medicare, ooh! She is out of her little mind.

Girl: Wow! Classic response.

Santa: Oh, you know what? Thank you.

Elf: Thank you for coming.

Santa: Thank you very much. Okay. Next.

Elf: And now, you.

[The girl walks out. Another girl walks in.]

Santa: Oh, how about you. Aren’t you cute? What do you want for Christmas?

Girl: Hi, Santa. I want a barbie. Unless they’re gonna take them away from me too.

Santa: Okay, barbie. You got it. Let’s go. See you later. And kids, just to reminder to keep your wishes light and Christmasy and not political.

[The girl walks out. Another boy walks in.]

Okay? Alright.

Boy: That’s good. Coz I hate politics.

Santa: Ah! Thank the lord.

Boy: Instead. I wanna talk about opioids.

Santa: No! You’re done. Thank you very much. Next!

[The boy walks out. Another girl walks in.]

Alright, hello. Aren’t you cute? What would you like for Christmas?

Girl: An embassy that is still in Tel Aviv.

Santa: How do you know about Tel Aviv? Thank you very much. You’re done. Next.

[The girl walks away. Another boy walks in]

Ay, what about you? Maybe you like a toy from Santa?

Boy: Oh, you mean toy like the one that Lauer gave to his coworker?

Santa: Okay. Um, you know what? Ear muff. Ear muff. [The boy closes his years] [to Elf] Where the hell did they get these kids from? I’d never thought I’d say this, but I think our public schools are too good. Okay, ear muffs off. [to boy] I’m getting you an Xbox. Merry Christmas.

Boy: Xbox? Awesome! More factory jobs for Chinese kids.

Santa: Whoa! Okay. Alright! You know what? I think Santa might need another break. This one might involve a cigarette.

[A girl walks to Santa]

Jenny: Sanga?

Santa: Oh, yes little girl. What’s your name?

Jenny: Jenny. And Santa, I don’t want any gifts this year. I just want everything to be okay.

Elf: Oh, my goodness. Okay, Jenny. Listen to me. I know that things seem particularly insane right now. Like, truly mind bendingly insane. And we seem to have lost all perspective on what’s naughty or nice.

Jenny: I know. I’ve seen FOX News.

Elf: Oh, there you go. But, as bad as things might seem, I promise you Jenny, it will be okay. Okay? Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for another three years, 42 days and 24 minutes, Jenny. But most people in America are good people. And eventually, good people will fix our country.

Jenny: Okay. Good. But just in case, I’m putting all my money in Bitcoin.

Santa: Oh, yes. That’s the spirit. Now, do you remember what Santa always says?

Jenny: Yes.

Santa: Do you wanna say it with me?

Jenny: Okay.

All: Merry Christmas. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Weekend Update Pope Francis on his visit to the US

Colin Jost

Pope Francis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Pope Francis came to the United States last week visiting Washington DC, Philadelphia and our very own, New York city. Here to tell us about his trip is Pope Francis.

[Pope Francis slides in]

Pope Francis: [in Argentinian accent] What up, Jost? Give me that! Give me that! [does fist bump with Colin Jost] What a big set. Respect.

Michael Che: What’s up, bro?

Pope Francis: [patting his chest] Respect!

Colin Jost: So, Pope Francis, how was your stay in the United States?

Pope Francis: My trip was dope. DC was a little boring. [Cut to Pope Francis] Philly had some cuties, but New York was the best and tightest place to be. First thing though, I had to give a mass at the St. Patrick’s cathedral which to me was like a major snooze. But then I played in the Madison Square Garden and I crushed it. Then I went at the party with my disciples. Shout out to Jon Paul, Jio Sappi, Christiano, Leonardo and homie [pats his chest] Dwayne Wayne!

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. What did you guys get into?

Pope Francis: Yo! The real fun started aftermath. [Cut to Pope Francis] We went to Brooklyn and hit up the shuffle board place and had some free pizza. A Hawaiian pizza. That’s a pizza with pineapple and ham.

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, yes. That sounds pretty chill.

Pope Francis: Oh, it was so chill. It was on a house-boat

[Colin Jost didn’t understand] [Cut to Pope Francis]

After that we went to a namless chapel on the lower east side with a bartender who only speaks in backwards. And check it, the password was, “Emojis”. You had to figure out the way to express them with your face. Like this. [Pope Francis making emoji faces] [Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Very cool. Yeah! And what was it like when you got inside?

Pope Francis: The cast of girls minus Lina was much in awesome artisan and all sugar carers. [Colin Jost didn’t understand a thing] So scrubs. [Cut to Pope Francis] One thing led to another. I wrote this 90 song like Karaoke Garage, you had to do the confession. Mose death is there. And we start belting out. [singing] Closing time.

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost] [Colin Jost didn’t understand anything]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You were with Mose death?

Pope Francis: Shh! You wouldn’t get it. And, I’m always look at the party. Ay! Hit me up in your prayers!

Colin Jost: Pope Francis, everyone!

Pope Francis: Many god blesses to you!