FiveTimers Club

Paul Rudd

Steve Martin

Candice Bergen

John Mulaney

Tina Fey

Elliott Gould

Conan O’Brian

[Starts with Paul Rudd, Steve Martin and Candice Bergen in a room wearing their five timers’ jackets]

Steve Martin: Alright. Alright, everybody. Alright, Candice and Paul, how do we think this shows going so far and don’t be afraid to be brutal?

Paul Rudd: Well, not to be a total bitch. My five timer show in December was going to be a lot better. That is until the whole cast decided to call out sick.

Candice Bergen: They all had COVID.

Steve Martin: So, what? I have COVID right now. I got it from the Queen. Humble brag.

[John Mulaney walks in]

John Mulaney: Hi, I think I’m supposed to be in here.

Steve Martin: Oh, Megan Mullaly.

Candice Bergen: Welcome to the Five timers.

John Mulaney: Thank you, Candace. Wow, this place is amazing.

Candice Bergen: Well, congratulations, John. And let me be the first person to say. Who are you?

John Mulaney: Well, Candace, you wouldn’t know me but if you have a niece or a son who’s bad at sports, they might.

Paul Rudd: Oh, come on, he’s John Mulaney. Congrats, man. Tonight, it’s all about you. And me to a degree as well because my party was cancelled due to laziness.

John Mulaney: Wow. Well, I’m just happy that you’re here in my episode. And Paul Rudd exits.

Paul Rudd: That’s it?

[John Mulaney walks out]

John Mulaney: Just reading. Sorry buddy. And Tina Fey enters.

[Tina Fey enters]

Tina Fey: I love how us writers control. Everything was staged direction. And Tina is handed a drink by a new cast member whose name is, I want to say, Philip.

[James walks in with a drink and hands it over to Tina Fey]

James: It’s James, Miss Fey.

Tina Fey: That’s what I said, Philip.

John Mulaney: What kind of drink is that?

Tina Fey: It’s the five timer fizz. It’s made with Justin Timberlake’s tequila, Dan Akroyd’s vodka and Tracy Morgan’s club soda, which is aquarium water.

John Mulaney: Gross. Dan Akroyd’s vodka? Listen. I have to say I had no idea people got treated this well. You know, when I worked here, I was just a writer.

Tina Fey: Well, you were one of the best. You wrote that character with Bill Hader and 800 other things that aged terribly.

John Mulaney: Thank you.

Steve Martin: Well, that’s all behind you. Tonight, you’re in the company of comedy legends and the sexiest man alive.

[Paul Rudd is reading a People’s magazine with his face on the cover page]

Paul Rudd: This silly thing.

Steve Martin: Paul, that was so Steve Martin0Steve MartinPaul Rudd. I’m talking about Mr. Elliott Gould.

[Elliott Gould is sitting there on a sofa]

Elliott Gould: Oh, hello

John Mulaney: Oh my god, Elliot.

Elliott Gould: Well, Paul may have People magazine, but I was named sexiest man alive by chest hair magazine.

John Mulaney: Hey Elliot, do you remember being on my sitcom?

Elliott Gould: Should I?

Candice Bergen: But John, we have some business to discuss. The club here has gotten so big that in order for you to get in, someone has to retire.

Steve Martin: Too bad. No one here is at retirement age.

John Mulaney: You are 76.

Steve Martin: But I have the child of a Candice Bergen8 year old. And we can’t get rid of Tina. She was the first woman to ever wear glasses on TV.

Tina Fey: That’s true. Entertainment Weekly called it disgusting. And it can’t be Candice, she was back here in the 70s. Can you imagine the sexual harassment that happened back then?

Candice Bergen: Oh, yeah, I mean those guys do really weird stuff.

Elliott Gould: I was fine with it.

John Mulaney: So, are you saying there’s no room for me?

Candice Bergen: Well, this was supposed to be a very small club with just the highest quality of stars. Does that make sense?

John Mulaney: Yeah. Yeah. So what you’re saying is–

Steve Martin: I think what we’re all trying to say is, this has become not special.

[Conan O’Brian walks in]

Conan O’Brian: Did somebody say not special?

John Mulaney: Conan, what are you doing here?

Conan O’Brian: I’m just here to sign up for Peacock. It’s weird. They make you do it in person. Look, John, don’t listen to them. This is very, very special. I was in the very first five timers club special, club back specs thing. While I was a writer here.

Tina Fey: Okay, well, a lot of us were writers here.

Conan O’Brian: Yeah. But you were on the show when you were writer. [yelling] So, shut up. John and I were never supposed to be on TV. We’re hideous. Right? Say it, John.

John Mulaney: I guess.

Conan O’Brian: We are. And we’re here and we’re taking what’s ours. And when it’s taken by their horns, it’s ours. The point is you start here and you can do great things. I hosted my own TV show for decades.

John Mulaney: And what are you doing now?

Conan O’Brian: I have a podcast.

Steve Martin: Well, I never thought I’d say this but Conan has a point. Being in this club is pretty damn special.

Paul Rudd: Yeah, yeah, come on. Let’s give him his jacket.

Elliott Gould: All right, Paul. Give him your jacket.

Paul Rudd: Oh, man, you know, it was fun while it lasted.

[Paul Rudd gives John Mulaney his jacket]

John Mulaney: Guys, everyone. Thank you. This really does just mean the world to me.

Conan O’Brian: Yeah. And one more thing. Live from New York–

John Mulaney: No, Conan. We did that already.

Conan O’Brian: I’m doing it anyway. Live from New York. It’s Saturday night.

5-Timers Cold Open

Paul Rudd

Tom Hanks

Tina Fey

Kenan Thompson

Steve Martin

Martin Short

[Starts with Tom Hanks walking into the SNL stage]

Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Hello, hello. Thank you. I’m Tom Hanks. Thank you, surviving crew members. Tonight, everyone at Saturday Night Live planned to do our big Christmas show and adopt a new member into the five timers club. But COVID came early this year. So, in the interest of safety, we do not have an audience and we sent home our cast, most of our crew, but I came here from California and I didn’t think I was gonna fly 3000 miles and not be on TV, well, you got another thing coming. And I am not alone. Isn’t that right, Tina?

[Tina Fey walks in]

Tina Fey: Whoo! Yeah. Clapping by myself. Making the weirdness festive. Yes, I am here and this is not the smallest audience I’ve ever performed for because I have done improv in a Macy’s.

Tom Hanks: Tina, another five times. Thank you for joining me. As you know, I started the five timers club.

Tina Fey: Oh, like you started COVID.

Tom Hanks: Exactly. And tonight, we plan to welcome Paul Rudd to the club and we are not going to let this stop us. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rudd.

[Paul Rudd walks in the stage through the door]

Paul Rudd: Wow.

Tom Hanks: Good to see you, kiddo.

Paul Rudd: Oh! Thank you, thank you. Thank you for coming. Thanks for coming. I’m extremely disappointed.

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah, I know, buddy.

Tom Hanks: Well, it’s not all that bad. People magazine just named you the most sexist man of the Year.

Paul Rudd: Oh, I think it was sexiest.

Tom Hanks: [sarcasm] Okay, right, yeah.

Paul Rudd: Well, there was a whole show planned. And I just can’t believe I’m not going to get my five timer jacket.

Tom Hanks: Or will you? Here to bestow this great honor is the longest tenured cast member, Mr. Kenan Thompson.

[Kenan Thompson walks in with a 5 timers’ jacket]

Kenan Thompson: Ha-ha-ha. Good to see you. Good to see you. [looking around] Whoa! Where is everybody?

Paul Rudd: Kenan, having you heard?

Kenan Thompson: Heard what? About the thing that’s going around?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, covid.

Kenan Thompson: Well, is that real?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s real.

Kenan Thompson: I’m just kidding. Come on. We’re having a good time. Congratulations on hosting the show four and half times.

[Kenan Thompson puts on the jacket on Paul Rudd]

Paul Rudd: Oh! Look at that. It’s beautiful. Look at this stitching.

Tina fey: Yeah, Lorn’s getting really good.

Paul Rudd: Wow.

Tom Hanks: Now, Paul, I know this is it exactly the five timer experience you were hoping for but someone did pre record a very special message just for you. Can we roll that? Let’s roll that.

[Cut to a video clip from Steve Martin]

Steve Martin: Hi, it’s me, famous Steve Martin. Tonight. I just want to congratulate Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: I’m a huge fan of Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: …and Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: …one of my favorite movies, Forest…

Dubbed voice: …Ant-man.

[Martin Short walks in with a glass of water]

Martin Short: [whispering] It’s Paul Rudd.

Steve Martin: Oh, it’s Martin Short. You remember the five timers club? Right?

Martin Short: No.

Steve Martin: How many times have you hosted?

Martin Short: Three.

Steve Martin: Huh! [Steve Martin pushes Martin Short away] So congratulations, Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

[Cut back to the SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: Oh, wow. Thanks.

Tom Hanks: I just thought that was great.

Kenan Thompson: And don’t worry, we still have a great show for everybody, including brand new sketches taped earlier this week.

Tina Fey: And we were also going to show some of our personal favorite sketches from past episodes.

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s gonna be a little bit like a new Beatles documentary. A lot of old footage, but enough new stuff that you’re like, “Okay, yeah, I’ll watch that.”

Tom Hanks: So, get us started Mr. Sexy five timer.

Paul Rudd: Okay.

James Franco Audience Questions Monologue

James Franco

Seth Rogan

Jonah Hill

Steve Martin

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, James Franco.

[James Franco walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

James Franco: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Great to be back here hosting SNL. This is my 4th time hosting. [cheers and applause] Which is the most you can do without it being special. When you host it five times, you get a jacket. But the 4th time here, they don’t even write you a monologue. They just throw you out here and make you take questions from the audience. So, here we go. yes, you sir.

[Cut to a man in audience]

Man: Yeah, I got a question. What time is it? They made me turn my phone off.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: What time is it? That’s really your question?

[Cut to the man]

Man: Yeah. My hand wasn’t up. You just pointed at me and I panicked.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Okay. Does anyone have any real questions?

[Cut to a girl in the audience]

Girl: My question is, [Seth Rogan is behind the girl. He is trying to hide from James Franco] do you feel like your career has an over arching theme? Or do you just move from project to project and only look for a theme in retrospect?

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: I’m sorry. That’s really great question. Uh, is that Seth Rogan sitting behind you? [cheers and applause] Seth, what’s going on, man? You’re just here in the audience to watch me host the show? Or what?

[Cut to Seth Rogan]

Seth Rogan: Um, no. Honestly, I’m just here to see the show in general. I didn’t realize you were hosting it.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: So, you’re just– you’re just here?

[Cut to Seth Rogan]

Seth Rogan: Yeah. I put my name in the lottery for SNL tickets and this is the week I got. It was just totally random. Luckily, I’m a huge SZA fan. So, it worked out.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Yeah. That’s really interesting coz I asked early in the week if you’d come by and do a sketch with me and you told me, [mocking] “Sorry, I have something.”

[Cut to Seth Rogan]

Seth Rogan: Yeah. I did have something. I had SNL tickets. They’re really hard to get. People line up outside all night trying to get them and I got them.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Okay. Well, that’s great. Thanks so much. Ma’am, for you question, thank you.

[Cut to the girl]

Girl: You never answered my question.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Okay, next question.

[Cut to Seth Rogan. He is holding a woman’s hand up who is sitting beside him]

Seth Rogan: Um, yeah. This woman here has a question. Yeah. She wants to know how come you’ve hosted four times and Seth Rogan has only hosted twice?

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Okay. Um, well, why don’t you ask Seth, ma’am, why the movies I do on my own like ‘127 Hours’ get nominated for Oscars and the movies I do with Seth gets nominated for ‘Stoner Awards?’

[Cut to Seth Rogan]

Seth Rogan: Okay. Well, why don’t you tell James that they’re called ‘Stonies,’ which is a hilarious play on the word “Tony’s.” And that they are as prestigious as an Oscar. Plus, when you win, you get  bag of weed.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Alright, Seth, I’m sorry. There’s a rule that only one stoner can host in a season. And that’s me. And that’s who everyone’s here to see. Okay?

[Cut to Seth Rogan and the woman. Jonah Hill walks in.]

Jonah Hill: Sorry, you’re in my seat.

Seth Rogan: Yeah. Excuse me, my friend’s here now. Sorry about that.

[The woman walks away and Jonah Hill takes the seat]

Hey, man.

[cheers and applause]

Jonah Hill: Sorry, I’m late. Did I miss SZA?

Seth Rogan: No, no. Thank god. yeah.

Jonah Hill: Oh, okay. Cool. Who’s hosting?

Seth Rogan: Franco.

Jonah Hill: David Franco?

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: No, Johan. It’s me. Me. I’m hosting. Me.

[Cut to Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: Ah! Okay. People… wanna see that? Cool. Hey, Seth, you’ve only hosted twice, right?

Seth Rogan: Yeah. I know. Thank you.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Alright, guys. I don’t know what to tell you, alright? Um– [James Franco looks at the audience above] Why is Steve Martin here?

[Cut to Steve Martin in the audience] [cheers and applause]

Steve Martin: James, James, I want you to know, I used to stand on that very spot right where you’re standing. I used to host Saturday Night Live. I used to be the center of attention. And I gotta say, I resent it. Just a little bit. I resent it this much.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Okay. Steve, what are you talking about? You’re a big star. You’re still hot. You’re still hot.

[Cut to Steve Martin]

Steve Martin: [yelling] Do I look hot?

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Alright. We have a great show tonight. [Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill join him] SZA is here.

Seth Rogan: Yeah, SZA! SZA! SZA!

James Franco: Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Kristen Wiig’s Thanksgiving Monologue

Kristen Wiig

Steve Martin

Will Forte

Indian… Kyle Mooney

Paul Revere… Alex Moffat

Benjamin Franklyn… Beck Bennett

Sacagawea… Melissa Villaseñor

Viking… Bobby Moynihan

Columbus… Kenan Thompson

Napoleon… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Wiig.

[Kristen Wiig walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow, thank you. Thank you very much. It is so wonderful to be back here hosting SNL for the econd time. But I specially love being here right before Thanksgiving. Yuu might not know this about me, some of you might know, but I am what they call a ‘Thanksgiving freak.’ I am a real turkey head. So tongiht I wanted to sing for you a song my family always sings every year. Can I have my ukulele and a stool please? [She gets a ukulele and a stool] Oh, great. Here we go. Yeah. And I think we can all agree thanksgiving is the most magical Thursday of the year. And– yYou know, I’m actually going to go with my personal guitar, is that here?

[Kristen Wiig gives the ukulele away and gets a rock double neck electric guitar]

My family told me facts about thanksgiving I bet you didn’t even know. By the way, I should mention I was raised by wolves. Um, near wolves. You know, maybe I’ll go back to the first one. Go back? Yeah.

[Kristen Wiig gives the guitar away and gets the ukulele again]

And can I lose the stool? Can you take that? Okay. I’d like to take us back to the first thanksgiving where it all began. In ancient Egypt. You konw what? I was wrong about the ukulele. I’m sorry. Can someone take this? [Kristen Wiig gives away the ukulele] Thank you very much.

[band playing guitar] [singing] The first thanksgiving was in pyramid rock
The Indians and pilgrims said, “Let’s eat on this rock
[an Indian walks in]
Paul Revere said “Dinner’s served, let’s all say grace.”
[Paul Revere walks in]
Ben Franklyn brought salad, Paul slapped him in the face
[Ben Franklyn walks in with salad, and Paul Revere slaps him]

The pilgrims charged everyone a thanksgiving fee [Sacagawea walks in] but Sacagawea used her coins and said, “This one’s on me.”

Kristen Wiig:Then vikings showed up on a double decker bus [A Viking walks in]
they said,

Viking: If we don’t eat those turkeys, they’re going to eat us.

[awkward silence]

Kristen Wiig: And that’s why we eat turkey.

It was…

All: …Thanksgiving
The first thanksgiving
they were unforgiving
in their love of stuffing

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The second thanksgiving was in 1492
there were
10 kinds of meat, like they had murdered a zoo
Columbus was there, he had sailed from Korea
[Columbus walks in with Korean flag bandana on] 
with Mina, Pinta, Santa and Maria
[They all walk in]

This I know for sure, I told this to Lorne
The second thanksgiving , aliens beamed down the corn.
[two aliens walk in with corns in their hands]
The Napoleon showed up, so he brought the ice cream
[Napoleon walks in with ice cream in his hand]
strawberry, vanilla and chocolate in between

You see why? Coz pink, white and brown, those are the colors of the French Flag.

All: And that’s thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
it ain’t city living
unless you live in the city

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The third thanks giving was in 1953
and people gathered

Steve Martin: [interrupting] Oh, Kristen. Kristen. I am so sorry.

[cheers and applause]

It’s not necessary. But thank you. I just– I really– I just needed to stop you for a second because you have not gotten one fact correct in this song. Not one. You know, and if you don’t get your facts correct, you’re just going to end up like one of those sites on the internet, what is that?

Kristen Wiig: Like, fake news?

Steve Martin: No, I like that. But I- I just worry about your song. You’ve got to get the facts correct, so I’m a little bit worried about.

[Will Forte walks in]

Will Forte: Yeah, you know, I’m worried too. Less applause than Steve Martin. Gonna remember that. Kristen, I was just listening with Steve… Martin, that I just say Steve, we’re friends. And I agree, Kristen. At least two of your facts were wrong.

Kristen Wiig: Guys, I know I adjusted a few facts so they would rhyme, like any true historian. But won’t you both please sing with me? Please?

Will Forte: Ah! I’d be happy to sing with my friend Steve here. Hit it!

[singing] The fourth thanks giving was in 1969 

Steve Martin: The turkey was high and I was high too

Kristen Wiig: FDR was upset he spilled cranberry sauce

Steve Martin: But he had the first napkin, thanks to Betsy Ross.

Kristen Wiig: The three wisemen brought frankincense and pie

Steve Martin: Hey, don’t say the word pie to someone who’s high

Kristen Wiig: Wait, there’s something I just realized while singing this song
thanksgiving never really happened, it was in our hearts all along

All: And that’s, thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
the perfect history of thanks giving
so have a hippy happy hoppy thanksgiving

We have a great show for you tonight. The XX is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Tucker Carlson Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 11

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Wilbur Ross… Kate McKinnon

Roger Stone… Steve Martin

[Starts with Tucker Carlson Tonight intro] [Cut to Tucker Carson in his news set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening, everyone. I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like if those shorts with the little whales on them came to life. Our top story tonight, president Trump’s heroic end to the shutdown. It took him 35 days, but he was finally able to get no wall. Meanwhile, as the democrats stall, the crisis at our border rages on. Here with her take is the host of justice with Judge Jeanine. Jeanine Pirro. Jeanine, how are you?

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: A lot.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Jeanine Pirro at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Now, Jeanine, I’m going to smugly ask a question I already know the answer to. Warning towards viewers, my voice will get very high.

[Cut to Tucker Carson]

These democrats, do they want MS-13 invading their towns and tying up their hands and feet with duct tape?

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Sadly, the answer to that question is ‘Si Senor’. At this point Ms-13 is getting so brazen they’re promoting their own holiday in America. It’s called [Cut to ad banner of the holiday] ‘Sicario Day of the Soldado’.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Jeanine Pirro at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Wow. What is the president’s next step, Jeanine? And to show I’m really paying attention to you, I’m going to put my listening face. I call it dog looking in a mirror.

[Tucker Carson starts to stare at the camera like a dog]

Jeanine Pirro: Well, tucker, we have to take a Marie Kondo approach to cleaning up this country. If something doesn’t spark joy, throw it out. You know what doesn’t spark joy in me? Guatemalans.

Tucker Carlson: Terrific, let me ask you this, weren’t the furloughed government workers happy to go without pay because they believe in the president and the wall?

Jeanine Pirro: Definitely not, but absolutely yes. I spoke with dozens of TSA workers, and they said they were so honored to work for free. And then they did the universal gesture for jerking off. That’s how excited they were.

Tucker Carlson: Jeanine, you’re the best.

Jeanine Pirro: [Yelling] I know.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: Of course, democrats are using the shutdown to portray the Trump administration as out of touch with every day Americans. But that’s simply ridiculous. Here to comment is Secretary of Commerce and Man of the People, Wilbur Ross.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross.]

Wilbur Ross: Where do I look? Do I look into the spaceship?

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Now, Wilbur, earlier this week, you said that you didn’t understand why furloughed government workers needed food assistance, because they could just take ‘low-interest loans instead’?
Wilbur Ross: Right, well, that was silly of me. [Cut to Wilbur Ross] I simply meant that there are other ways of getting money. They could have liquidated some of their stocks, or sold one of their paintings. Even if they sold a lesser Picasso, it’s still going to get you through a week or two of yacht maintenance.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: I still think that comes across as insensitive to people living paycheck to paycheck.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: No, no. All I meant was, that we all have to make sacrifices in times of hardship. For example, instead of going out to dinner, you could open a restaurant in your house. For a period of time, you could have your horses attend public school. The small things add up.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: You don’t think the Trump administration is out of step with the American people?

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: No, no. Look, maybe I do sleep in one of the cocoons from the movie “Cocoon”. That doesn’t mean I live in a bubble. I live in a cocoon.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: My thanks to Secretary Ross. Our final story this week, of course, is the dramatic, some would say ludicrous arrest of long time Trump associate Roger Stone. The man is 66 years old, frail, barely able to post shirtless photos of his jacked body. Clearly no threat to anyone. Yet this is how the FBI raided his home.

[Cut to video clips of FBI raiding from action movie Captain America- Civil War.] [Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Oh, my god, just horrifying. Here with his side of the story is a man you look at and instantly think, I trust this guy. Please welcome Roger Stone.

[Cut to Roger Stone] [Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Roger Stone: What a fun couple of days. I’m loving the ride, go Nixon.

Tucker Carlson: Mr. Stone. You had a harrowing past 36 hours, your home was raided, you were arrested and charged with seven felony accounts. Including lying to congress.

Roger Stone: That was four counts.

Tucker Carlson: The indictment says seven.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: Okay, I’m lying. Honestly, I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I mean, seven felonies, one, two – I can’t even count that high. How cool is that?

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Mr. Stone, what I think you’re really trying to say is that you’re feeble old man right?

Roger Stone: Yeah, right, the pity thing. I’m a poor helpless old man, I’m 66. I’m almost so old as sting.

Tucker Carlson: And that’s why it was so awful the way the police raided your home.

Roger Stone: Exactly. The whole experience was so harrowing. [Cut to Roger Stone] And afterwards I could only manage one radio interview. And a speech from the steps of the courthouse and two appearances on television. It’s horrible.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: And you – and haven’t these ridiculous accusations made you poverty stricken as well?

Roger Stone: Oh, yeah, that’s right. I’m broke from my legal battles and now no one will buy my books.

Tucker Carlson: Why will no one buy your books?

Roger Stone: Because they’re bad.

Tucker Carlson: Just tell people how they can donate money to help you.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: I’ve set up a donation page based on phrase people have been yelling at me called “hey, roger, go fund yourself”.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Thank you for your time Mr. Stone.

Roger Stone: Pardon me?

Tucker Carlson:  I said, thank you.

Roger Stone: Oh, no. That wasn’t a question, I was saying that to the president. Pardon me.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: Well, I’m sure he appreciates your loyalty and your eccentricities.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: Hey, I’m just a normal and straight forward guy. And live from New York. It’s Saturday Night.