Weekend Update- The Bidens and Carters Take a Picture & the Most Instagrammable Bird

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Jimmy Carter and his wife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a photo taken of president Biden visiting with Jimmy Carter and his wife has gone viral for an odd angle that makes Biden look like a giant next to the former president. Even weirder, when you zoom out, they’re all being held by Giuliani. [When zoomed out, they all are inside a crystal ball that Giuliani is holding.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of South Carolina map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: South Carolina lawmakers voted to add firing squad to its execution method. And I think it’s nice that people will finally get chance to be shot after they’re found guilty.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

Pennsylvania police arrested a couple after they raided their home and discovered $1 million worth of meth. For reference, this is what $1fif million worth of meth looks like. [Picture changes to people rioting at the Capitol] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grass at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police say that a woman who went missing nearly six months ago was found in a tent in a forest in Utah living off grass and moss. Authorities believe the woman either had mental health issues or read an article on “Goop”.

[Picture changes to an article on Goop that says “Why you should try the all grass and moss diet”.] [Picture changes to Disney Land]

Disney Land Snow White ride is being criticized because prince charming kisses Snow White without he consent while she was asleep. Which still isn’t as bad as Universal Studio’s new “Cosby the Ride”.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

A professional golfer in Florida was arrested after he tried to meet a 15 year old girl he met online who turned out to be a detective. Said the golfer, “Mulligan”? Sadly there’s more. For those of you wondering, in golf terms a 15 year old is 3 under par.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New Jersey woman has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s claiming that a burger wrapper she was given was smeared with excrement. In fairness, she ordered the number two.

[Picture changes to Los Angeles city]

The population of Los Angeles has fallen for the third straight year. Well, it’s like Colin always says, “LA is just not the same without Harvey.”

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of a bird at right top corner.]

You alway say it.

Colin Jost: Thanks. It’s cool. Researchers have determined that the most Instagrammable bird is an Australian species called ‘Tawny Frogmouth’. Well, the least Instagrammable bird is once again, Larry.

Weekend Update- A Weary Mother in Her Darkest Hour on Disney’s Reopening

Michael Che

Pauline… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: After being closed more than a year, Disney Land reopened last week and here to talk about her experience is Pauline, a weary mother in her darkest hour.

[Pauline slides in]

Pauline: Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, how are you doing, Pauline? So, you must feel good. You just got on the happiest place on earth.

Pauline: The happiest place on earth? For who? I am not happy. No, no, no. I am tired. I stood in line for two hours in Splash mountain so I could sit my haggard ass in a log flume only to have that very flume break down. Well, Mr. Splash Mountain, you don’t think I want to break down sometimes doing all I do for these kids? Well, I do. You want to know the difference between me and you, Mr. Splash Mountain? I don’t get to break down. I just keep on getting my back blown out.

Michael Che: Alright. That sounds like a very different thing. But I hear you. I understand.

Pauline: Then I stood up to see I had been sitting in an inch of foul Disney water. Spent the rest of the day looking like I pee’d my pants. Sitting in my wet pants, eating a slice of pizza as thick as a book. That park ain’t right, Michael. That park is not right.

Michael Che: Alright. What did your kids think about being back at the park?

Pauline: Why does everything have to be about kids? I used to be a little sexual thing, Michael. I did. You know, men used to buy me appetizers. Multiple appetizers. I was somebody. Now I’m dragging babies from Jungle Cruise to Sleeping Beauty’s castle. Sleeping Beauty? Why is that hussy so tired? She don’t have kids. I could be pretty too. But I sleep on my feet like a horse.

Michael Che: Yes. I’m sure your kids appreciate your sacrifice. I mean, did they have fun at least?

Pauline: I don’t know. You tell me. They spent the whole day moaning and groaning, “Mommy, I wanna meet Mickey. Mommy, I want a hug from Mickey. Mommy, why can’t Mickey be my mommy?” You wanna know what I said to those kids? You wanna know what I said?

Michael Che: Not really, but I think you’re going to tell me.

Pauline: I said [sad music playing] I have given you kids every part of me. I’ve given you my blood, my sweat, my tears. I have given you my neck, my back. And as for my pushy and my crack, oho! You ripped those away from me a long time ago.

Michael Che: Oh, wait. Hold on! Where are your kids right now?

Pauline: Oh, check you out. Now you want to be worried about our kids?

Michael Che: Our kids?

Pauline: Yeah. CJ is starting to look just like you.

Michael Che: Who is CJ?

Pauline: Che Junior.

Michael Che: Wait a minute. His name is Che Jr. Che?

Pauline: Yes. Yes, it is. And when little CJ wanted a souvenir, I showed my breasts to Goofy for some Mardi Gras Beads in the French quarter. Turns out I ain’t have to do all that. They were complimentary.

Michael Che: Aw, Pauline, everybody!

Pauline: Who’s gonna fast pass me?

 

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Dating After Covid

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With the rate of vaccinations picking up, singles are navigating the post covid dating scene for the first time. Here with his advice is the guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Sack meat’s back, alright! Hey there, Jost-er coaster. Long time, no whee!

Colin Jost: No man, it’s really bad.

The guy: Hey, loosen up, Jost-infection. We could use a little humor right now. That was a rough two weeks in Quar.

Colin Jost: Two weeks? I thought it was a full year.

The guy: Yeah, maybe for the plebes. I was living it up in caymans with my main man, army ham. He answers my calls now, hey-ho!

Colin Jost: yeah, I bet he does. What’s your advice for dating now that things are reopening?

The guy: Right. Okay, so in person dating is back. Good bye FaceTime. Hello, ‘sit on my face’ time. It’s time to start the spread. But before you get on on the scene, you want to get them vaxed on their backs. So, take her down to the Javits center for a little ‘jab and enter’ with your Johnson&Johnson. I have an awful penis. And remember, these are dry times. So, she’s so desperate to catch some moby-dick, she’ll practically throw her harpoon, [pointing at himself] worse lay guaranteed. Then you are ‘bing’, free to move about the country. So, put on your best vinny vines and blade your babe out to the east end of long Izzy because remember, the hampies drop the panties. Rocking and showed. Hit up an outdoor BBQ which of course stands for “Babe, be quiet. Me pee-nee [pointing at his penis] no worka!” Oh? Now, if your gal’s an anti-vaxxer, first off, hot. And secondè, no proba, just check in before you’re sexing to see if she is testing because she could bee ass-symptomatic. Remember to swab those nostril, Jost-rol, because I treat covid test like I play foreplay – Colin Jost5 seconds on each side.

Colin Jost: Each side? What?

The guy: And pretty soon, she’ll be getting social with your D and purring those magical words, “I waited a year for that?”

Colin Jost: Wow, man. What if covid cases rise again?

The guy: Hakuna-ma-tata, compadre. No worries. Just have a date in Fresco with the old apartmento. Order some Uber eats, pour some vino grigio and play a little PS5. You know, let crash banda-ku, smash hand and koot. I’m done before Enrique.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You said what?

The guy: I said I own a boat, Colin.

Colin Jost: Guy who bought a boat, everyone.

The guy: Flappy Kiester!

Weekend Update- A Look Back at Trump’s Presidency

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well guys, barring a reverse Christmas miracle, this is the last Weekend Update with Donald Trump still in office. Now, as a president, he was mostly bad. But there were a few bright spots. So, before he is tranquilized and moved like a dinosaur in Jurassic Park, I just want to take a moment to recognize some of his greatest moments in office.

[Cut to a slide show of nice pictures of Donald Trump during his presidency.] [Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. So America, don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it’s happened. And then, probably cry a little bit. I don’t know. I’m still working it out with my therapist.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Pence getting vaccine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mike Pence received the coronavirus vaccine Friday which is the first time he has ever been okay with using protection. Mike Pence said when he got the vaccine shot, “I didn’t feel a thing”, which is also what he told himself over and over again after saw Harry Styles in a dress.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching a school bus stall on some rail road tracks, received the coronavirus vaccine on Friday. Just to throw it in our faces, he’s also giving himself a stimulus check and a small business loan.

[Picture changes to vaccine]

White House has left it up to the states to distribute the vaccine which shocks me because knowing Trump, I thought for sure it would be done through a live Power Ball lottery. The ratings would have been insane and it would have been the first White House job Ivanka was qualified for. [Picture changes to girl holding the lottery number balls.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of people protesting at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a pro Trump rally in Washington DC, protestors burned “Black Lives Matter” signs at two historic black churches. I don’t want to be too judgmental here but at some point when you’re setting fires at black churches, you gotta stop and ask yourself, “Hey, am I the bad guy here?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jill Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wall Street Journal published an op-ed suggesting that Dr. Jill Biden stop using the term doctor because she has a PhD and is not a medical doctor. Though, she has at times functioned as a nurse. [picture changes to Jill Biden holding and supporting Joe Biden.]

A Teacher

Kyler… Andrew Dismukes

Ms. Williams… Ego Nwodim

Principal… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with a video clips from a school show]

Male voice: The most stirring show of 2020 about an elicit affair between teacher and student. And now, a sneak preview of season two of “A Teacher.”

[The class is over. Kyler walks to the teacher.]

Kyler: Hey, I know that the class is over but I wanted to talk to you alone. I’m struggling and need extra help to go to college and I can’t stop thinking about you, Ms. Williams. Or should I call you Nicole?

Ms. Williams: What are you talking about?

Kyler: I wanted to just spend some extra time together.

Ms. Williams: You think you cute?

Kyler: Well, I’m more mature than the other kids.

Ms. Williams: Excuse me, young man. Did you think we were going to [bleep]?

Kyler: I mean, I don’t know.

Ms. Williams: You’re pulling a C- in my class. That’s not hot for me. You can barely read.

Kyler: I thought maybe we could– [Ms. Williams raises her eyebrows] Never mind.

Ms. Williams: No, no. I want you to go ahead and walk me through it. You invite me to your… what? We hook up in the back seat of your bike?

Kyler: Or we could go to your car.

Ms. Williams: No. We’re not doing it in my car. My car is new.

Kyler: That’s cool.

Ms. Williams: You think I have enough money to throw this job away for your limp ass little leaner that can do nothing for me? What did you think this was?

Kyler: You were giving me help with the SATs. I thought it was special.

Ms. Williams: Oh, you thought I wanted to have sex with someone who can’t do the SATs? You keep circling the bubble instead of filling it in. You think that’s sexy?

Kyler: A little.

Ms. Williams: You know what? Let me enjoy my lunch break.

Kyler: Ms. Williams. I can’t stop thinking about you.

Ms. Williams: Why? I stop thinking about ya’ll the minute you talk out of this classroom.

Kyler: See? You’re so confident.

Ms. Williams: Yeah, I’ve got that swagger that you have when you’re not a pedophile. Don’t see a lot of confident pedophiles, do you? That swagger when you have a healthcare and a parking spot. God, I hate kids.

Kyler: You don’t understand. I love your class.

Ms. Williams: Name one president.

Kyler: Huckleberry?

Ms. Williams: Oh my god!

Kyler: Kermit?

[Principal walking in the hallway finds them in class.]

Principal: Ms. Williams, what’s going on in here? Are you having an inappropriate relationship with this student?

Ms. Williams: No, principal Miller. God, no.

Principal: Because he’s my boyfriend and we’re in love.

Ms. Williams: Oh my god! Are women still doing this?

Principal: They are. I am.

Ms. Williams: So, how are you the principal?

Principal: Well, that’s a good question. You see, I used to be a prison guard who let prisoners out because I loved them and now I work here.

Ms. Williams: Okay, this is ridiculous. Will someone say “kidding” so I don’t have to do no paperwork?

[Principal’s phone beeps. She looks at the phone and finds out that it’s Kyler’s birthday.]

Principal: Kyler, it’s your 18th birthday today. We can finally be together.

Kyler: Na, this just isn’t hot for me anymore.

Principal: Right. Me neither. Ha-ha.

[bell ringing]

Ms. Williams: There goes my lunch break.

Male voice: “A Teacher”, haven’t we learned?