The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: There’s only eight days left before Christmas. Here with his holiday dating tips is they guy who just bought a boat.[The guy slides in] [cheers and applause]
The guy: Yeah. Ho-ho-ho. [singing] It’s beginning to look a lot like Sex-mas. Hey, happy holiday, Santa Cols. Skin tight to be back.
Colin Jost: My god. I think you’re even worse than I remembered. How have you been?
The guy: Not great, Col. The world has gotten it’s granny panties in a real twist since last we spoke. Got into some hot wat at the office. I had to go incognit for a bit, a little adic-facil out in the boo. Low-key little sex rehab situate to save my J-O-B. It was hard but overall pretty tight and I’m a changed man.
Colin Jost: Wow. Congrats, man.
The guy: Thank you. Now, let’s talk getting fala-la-la-la-la-laid.
Colin Jost: Oh my god. That’s my guy. Okay.
The guy: Okay. I’ve got some tips that could help even Santa slay (sleigh). Now, when it comes to buying her a gift, you can’t lose with booze. Go for that second smallest bottle of Bails, maybe a nice Stoly Orang, or just bring some Veno to the sceno. Pick up anything in the sub-20-buck range that will get her lit up like that tree in Rockefeller Centro. I have a small bad wang. Now, let’s talk gifts of gold and Frankenstein. Since that will have her coming back for mer. ‘Tis the holiday for lingerie, and gents, don’t half shaft it with some cut rayed skivis, okay? Head straight to Vicky-6 and ask for a recommende. Don’t worry about what size. Just make it guess-demaise based on what kind of goodies the sales chika packed for lunch. My junk blows.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. These, again, are dating tips for Christmas?
The guy: Wi, señor. Now, to make your Mrs. claws up your back, um, you gotta set that wintery scene. Take her to a top notch ski res and get your slope on. Then retire to the ski chalet where she shall lay if you play things right. Remember, mistletoe leads to camel toe. And medically speaking, my missile is a toe. Now, light up a fire– [Colin Jost laughing hardly]
Colin Jost: What?
The guy: Geez.
Colin Jost: Yeah. No.
The guy: Happy holidays.
Colin Jost: Yeah, their problem. Yeah.
The guy: Um, light up a fire and you’ll log her quicker, then you can say, “This never happens to me.” But it always does. It came upon a midnight clear but she most certainly did not. I’m neither a goer nor a show-er. Um–
Colin Jost: Look, man. Come on. It’s the Christmas show, okay?
The guy: Rodger, dodger. Now, let’s talk poist, post coids proto Col. Um, once you’ve done the deed and show em’ the seed, you can run, run Rudolph. Make like Santa Clause and leave her presents. Bad jingle, worse bells.
Colin Jost: It’s disgusting.
The guy: Well, hey man, don’t make me deck the Colls. Ha-ha. Nah, I’m Jost kidding. I only pick on people my own size which is just shockingly small. My penis, I mean. It’s bad an it’s small. And the thing is Colin, nobody likes it.
Colin Jost: And yet, somehow it’s not the worst thing about you.
The guy: Umm. It’s a Philly’s nobby dud. Now, in cum-clusion (conclusion), no matter who you open presents with on XXXmas, there’s no better place to unwrap a box and on the stern of the uptown girl.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What is the uptown girl?
The guy: My boat, Colin.
Colin Jost: My god. The guy who bought a boat everyone.
The guy: It’s duck-tomorrow-logo.
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.