Lantern Fly… Bowen Yang[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: This summer in invasive species, the spotted lantern fly has spread throughout the Northeast destroying local vegetation. Experts are so concerned, they are encouraging people to kill them on site. And if you’ve seen one, you might agree. Let’s take a look.[Cut to lantern fly]
Lantern Fly: I’m the spotted lantern fly. I don’t care what experts say I’m gonna eat your crop. Scientists are concerned about my high reproductive capacity cuz I’m a player. That’s why people come I’ll meet a player. My last goals are to lay eggs, be on Judge duty and to eat every crop. And there’s nothing stupid farmers can do to change my mind.[Cut to Michael Che.]
Michael Che: Wow. Well let’s bring him out. A spotted lantern fly everyone.[Lantern Fly slides in] [cheers and applause]
Lantern Fly: Yeah, I love that crop. That’s right. Boo me. Y’all don’t even know me. Boo me haters. Y’all haters can kiss my ass, aka, my seminole secretion pouch.
Michael Che: Whoa! Lantern fly, you’re coming in a little aggressive.
Lantern Fly: Oh, I’m aggressive? I’m the one who’s doing the aggressing Michael Che? They’re telling their children to stomp me to death. What is this, Mazda Germany?
Michael Che: I think you mean Nazi German.
Lantern Fly: I don’t know what I mean. I’m a bug. I’m trying to live my life, find a mate and have 3-4000 babies.
Michael Che: That’s a lot of babies.
Lantern Fly: Hey, they hating, I’m mating. Okay? Who wouldn’t want to sit on this? Oh, yeah! No, look at that under wing. It’s given ruse. Yeah! This what look like y’all trying to stop me. Ugh! Ugh! Keep stomping. I look gorgeous dead, bitch.
Michael Che: Okay, lantern fly. What do you say to people accusing you of being an invasive species?
Lantern Fly: Invasive? Oh, my family has been in this country for generations. 80 of them.
Michael Che: And how long is that?
Lantern Fly: About four month?
Michael Che: Well, you’ve also been threatening to local vegetation.
Lantern Fly: Oh, how? Because I jump on a tree and stick my mouth on it and suck all the sap out till it’s dead? Oh, y’all got a problem with that? Oh, I’m here now bitch. Cash me outside. Sucking all your trees to dead.
Michael Che: Lantern fly, please calm down. I think people have the right to be upset. I mean people rely on the crops you’re destroying.
Lantern Fly: I don’t care. Crops knows what they did. Crops frighten me. And if I see crops, I’m sucking them on site.
Michael Che: Well, lantern fly, we got a little surprise for you. Crops is actually here tonight.
Lantern Fly: Oh, hell no!
Michael Che: Let’s bring crops out.[Crop walks in shouting and trying to fight with Lantern Fly]
Crop: Try to suck me to death. Try! You can’t even try.
Lantern Fly: Yes I can.
Crop: Oh, you do lot of talking, but you ain’t doing a lot of sucking.[Lantern Fly and Crop start fighting.]
Michael Che: Lantern fly, everybody.
Lantern Fly: Keep stomping, bitch. Keep stomping.
Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.