Weekend Update- Michael Longfellow on Being a Child of Divorce During the Holidays

Colin Jost

Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s the holiday season which can be especially tough for children of divorce. Here to comment is child of divorce, Michael Longfellow.

Michael Longfellow: Happy Holidays, everyone. Happy Holidays, Colin.

Colin Jost: Happy Holidays, Michael. So your parents are divorced. Was that hard for you?

Michael Longfellow: No. I was a tiny little baby. I have no memory of them ever being together. To be honest, until I got older, I wasn’t even sure if they knew each other. I remember one time a kid on the playground told me, “You know your parents had sex to have you?” And I was like, “Well, I don’t think they’ve met. So that’s stupid.”

Colin Jost: Oh, sure you were aware at some point they’d met right?

Michael Longfellow: I wasn’t, and don’t call me Shirley. Snakes on a Plane?

Colin Jost: It’s not Snakes on a Plane. Okay. All right. Obviously, the holidays must have been more difficult with divorced parents.

Michael Longfellow: I disagree. There are perks to having parents that are always getting married and you know divorced and married again. You ever asked for a brother for Christmas and actually get one? I have. And I don’t have to wait for him to grow up. He came off the shelf ready to go. We were playing catch that day.

Colin Jost: Wow, that must have been nice.

Michael Longfellow: Must have it. It was.I’m sorry. And brothers aren’t the only thing divorce has given me. It’s given me sisters, moms, dads, and all of different genres. Like you have my real dad, who’s very strict and quiet and wear suits. And then you have my newest dad Terry, who’s a semi nudist. I’ve seen naked 43 times.

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Michael Longfellow: And I’ll tell you this, Colin, when you see your mom’s boyfriend naked, you think a lot of things, but you don’t think it’s gonna happen 42 more times.

Colin Jost: Well, at least hope he has a nice body.

Michael Longfellow: Why?

Colin Jost: No, I don’t know. Nevermind. So, are you saying you then pro divorce?

Michael Longfellow: Well, my dad is a divorce attorney. So put food on my table.

Colin Jost: Wait, so your father is a divorce attorney who’s also been divorced?

Michael Longfellow: Multiple times. I mean, this guy walks the walk. Is he a bad husband or a workaholic? Man as an artist. He’s out in the field getting his hands dirty. But he was still a great dad. Like, he told me everything a kid should know. Brush your teeth, do your homework. If infidelity can’t be proven, they’re only entitled to 30%. And it’s not easy to prove in a court of law. Text messages are not enough.

Michael Che: Hmm, it’s good to know.

Colin Jost: So it sounds then that your dad enjoys his work.

Michael Longfellow: Oh, absolutely. In fact, he met his current wife because he handled her divorce. Some would say that’s a conflict of interest, but I just say he’s got that dog in him.

Colin Jost: Michael Longfellow, everyone.

Michael Longfellow: And don’t call me Shirley.

Weekend Update Michael Longfellow on Conservative Family Members

Colin Jost

Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Euphoria star Sidney Sweeney received backlash when Instagram photos from a family event suggested her parents might be Trump supporters. Here to comment is one of our new cast members, Michael Longfellow.

[Michael Longfellow slides in] [cheers and applause]

Michael Longfellow: Hey. Hello. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, Colin.

Colin Jost:  Hey, Michael. So, what do you think of Sidney Sweeney getting all this backlash for having conservative parents?

Michael Longfellow: Well, my family’s from Arizona. So if you can get in trouble for what your parents think, it’s been a good run.

Colin Jost: They’re conservative.

Michael Longfellow: Well, my dad’s anti COVID vaccine. He doesn’t really believe in the virus. Which is crazy because every anti vaccine article he sends me because my computer Colin Jost0 of them.

Colin Jost: Do you read any of the article?

Michael Longfellow: I try, but there’s so much Simpsons porn on the side.

Colin Jost: That’s tough. That’s tough. You don’t feel the need then to like distance yourself from your dad?

Michael Longfellow: For being anti Vax? No. You shouldn’t cut anti Vax people out of your life. They could be dead tomorrow. Spend time with them. Call them. Getting the will.

Colin Jost: Right. But the Sydney Sweeney thing wasn’t just about the vaccine. It was also her family with Trump supporters. Right?

Michael Longfellow: Well, Colin, I don’t want to shock you. But my dad doesn’t hate that guy.

Colin Jost: Really?

Michael Longfellow: No, he’s not one of those anti Vax Arizona, liberals you’re always waiting by. You got to stand up to your parents. When I found out my dad was voting for Trump, I sat him down and I told him, “Hey, you keep going down this path. I might have to pay for my own car insurance next year.” Then he told me how much it was. And I said, “Well, I didn’t know that when I said that. So, I’m sorry.”

Colin Jost: And what about the rest of your family?

Michael Longfellow: Do you consider step mom’s family?

Colin Jost: Yeah, I think so.

Michael Longfellow: Ah, shoot! Listen, family dynamics are complicated. You get it? I imagine a lot of people in your family are Republican.

Colin Jost: Well, no, no, not really.

Michael Longfellow: oh, just you?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I’m saying I’m more of like Bill Maher liberal.

Michael Longfellow: Right? A Republican. Listen, just to make it super clear, I’m very liberal. I’m not a Republican. I mean, unless I get boarding group A at the airport, then I’ll be one for like four minutes, but that’s it. Usually I’m like anarchy, chaos, burn the system to the ground. But if I’m in boarding group A, I am like “Well, order must prevail. I mean, we have a society after all. Don’t touch me. Get off me.” That’s how rich people say Get off me. They will say like one and a half times. “Get your hands off— I said Get your hands off me!”

Colin Jost: Michael Longfellow, everyone.

Michael Longfellow: Thanks, Colin.