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Weekend Update- Genetics Company Reviving the Dodo Bird, Bear Poses for Selfies

 

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a dodo.]

Colin Jost: A genetic engineering company has announced plans to bring back the long extinct dodo bird, but only for a limited time at Arby’s.

Male voice: Arby’s, we have the dodo’s.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of AMC logo.]

Michael Che: AMC Theaters is celebrating Black History Month by offering $5 tickets to recently released black led movies like “Wakanda Forever” and “The Woman King.” They’re also honoring black people by starting the movie 20 minutes late. Did you get that Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bear.]

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Police officials in Colorado say that a bear discovered a wildlife camera in the woods and posed for more than 400 selfies. 400 selfies of a bear is also known as a Grindr profile.

[picture changes to a smartphone]

The US Surgeon General is warning that children are joining social media at too young and age, and they should wait until they’re at least Colin Jost6, when they’re hotter.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a house.]

Michael Che: A new study finds that despite women making less money than men, more single women in the US own homes than single men. Thanks to a phenomenon economist called divorce.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of chicken wings.]

Colin Jost: Whoo, divorce. A school official in Illinois has been arrested on charges of stealing over $1 million worth of chicken wings. Said the official, “I swear, I was gonna give all the money back.”

Michael Che: No, don’t.

Weekend Update- TikTok Fights Texas Ban, Chipotle Hiring for “Burrito Season”

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Dallas Zoo.]

Colin Jost: The Dallas zoo has been dealing with the disappearance of several animals, including a leopard, monkeys and a vulture. In an unrelated story. Check out my amazing coat. [picture changes to Colin wearing coat made of those animals’ skins]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of TikTok logo.]

Michael Che: Officials that TikTok are trying to stop efforts in Congress to ban the app by launching a campaign called ‘Project Texas’ because tick tock is their baby. And they know Texas won’t let them get rid of it.

[picture changes to an article that says “Chatbot lets people talk to Jesus and Hitler”]

A new AI Chatbot as created controversy after it allowed users to talk with Jesus and Hitler, and one guy who thinks he’s both. [picture changes to Kanye West]

It’s just news guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a chihuahua.]

Colin Jost: A 23 year old Chihuahua in Ohio named Spike has been officially named the world’s oldest living dog. The secret to spikes long life? A lot of chihuahuas look the same.

[picture changes to Chipotle logo]

Chipotle has announced plans to hire 15,000 people to prepare for its busiest time of year which they are calling burrito season. And toilets are calling the apocalypse.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Antartica.]

Michael Che: Researchers in Antarctica have discovered a 17 pound meteorite. Sadly it was on top of the last polar bear.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Site paying for people to eat cheese before bed”.]

Colin Jost: A mattress review site is paying people to test the theory that eating cheese before bed will give a person nightmares. But if you’re in bed, eating cheese till you pass out, your life is already a nightmare.

Weekend Update: April Ludgate and Leslie Knope on Working for the Government

Colin Jost

April Ludgate… Aubrey Plaza

Leslie Knope…Amy Poehler

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: According to a recent study, local governments are having trouble hiring new employees. Here to encourage young people to get involved in local government is a longtime employee of the city of Pawnee, Indiana, April Ludgate.

[April Ludgate slides in]

April Ludgate: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi, April.

April Ludgate: What?

Colin Jost: Nothing. You just said you came out here to talk about local government?

April Ludgate: I will when you stop yelling at me. Okay, fine. So yeah, everybody should get involved where they live. If you’re young, you should get a job as a garbage man or something.

Colin Jost: Okay. Are there other jobs?

April Ludgate: You want me to list them? Okay? Fine. Driver a bus, You don’t have to be on time. Nobody cares. Work for the water department. You can drain the reservoir and find all the bodies and murder clues. Or just be a dog catcher and just say you couldn’t find any. Because when you work for the local government, doing the bare minimum is doing your part.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right. Okay, but what if you actually want to work hard?

April Ludgate: I don’t know. You’re annoying me. Just ask my old boss, Leslie Knope.

[Leslie Knope slides in]

Leslie Knope: Whooo. Hi, April. Hi, Colin. Hi, Michael Che. Wow. Look at this. Who knew there were cameras in SNL?

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah. So So you work for the government?

Leslie Knope: Yeah. Park Service. Yeah. So how much fun is it working here? Do you guys just sit around cracking each other up all day?

Colin Jost: Not like 8am, but yeah, generally. How does it take to run a federal agency?

Leslie Knope: Well, all you do is you show up every day and you do the job. But I want to pick your brain about this job. About this show. Because I used to watch this when Seth Meyers did it by himself with no one else. And he made it look really easy.

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah. So you said you were here to talk about the government?

Leslie Knope: Yeah, but quick question, President Biden, when he zoomed in before could he see me or were the cameras off?

Colin Jost: I think he pre recorded that.

Leslie Knope: Ah, I thought the show was live.

Colin Jost: Most of it is.

April Ludgate: Oh my god. Can we just please go? This guy has been bothering me for half an hour.

Leslie Knope: Yeah. We can’t stay long. We have a timed entry tickets to the m&m store. But before we go, and may I be so bold, do you mind if I tried to tell a joke?

Colin Jost: I would love it.

[Colin Jost and Leslie Knope swap chairs]

Leslie Knope: Ah. This feels good. This feels nice. Okay, let’s see what you got. Okay. All right. Oh, no, that’s to mean. Oh, what? No, that’s way too mean. What? No. Okay, I’ll do this one. [There’s a picture of an article that says “Bus service for puppies”.] Town in Alaska has launched a bus service for puppies. The service has expanded to puppies. Thanks to the heroic activism of canine civil rights icon, Rosa Barks. Whooo. That felt good.
April Ludgate: For Weekend Update, I’m April Ludgate.

Leslie Knope: I’m Leslie Knope.

Weekend Update: Cathy Anne Says Goodbye for Now

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: 2022 is almost over and ooh, we did a lot happen. Here to help us make sense of it all is two time Heisman Trophy stealer, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Cathy Anne: Hey. Ho-ho-ho, Michael Cho.

Michael Che: Hey Cathy, you look adorable. I love your Santa hat.

Cathy Anne: Oh yeah. Well, it’s covering up a giant open wound. I got a little bit Scout.

Michael Che: You got Scout?

Cathy Anne: Yeah. I fell asleep on an escalator. It is just a mess up here. But you know what? At least now the curtains match the drapes.

Michael Che: Yuck, Cathy Anne. What does that mean?

Cathy Anne: Yeah, let your mind go to the worst place and you figure it out.

Michael Che: Let’s get back on track, Cathy Anne. What’s got your goose tonight?

Cathy Anne: Well, thank you for asking, you sexy piece of crap. Actually, actually, I’m a little emo tonight, because truth is I’m here to say goodbye.

Michael Che: Wait, where are you going?

Cathy Anne: Turns out prison.

Michael Che: Prison?

Cathy Anne: Yeah. Well, the crimes I confessed to you here for the past several years finally caught up with me. Drug use, trespassing, destruction of property, crack, impersonating a police, meth and crack. Oh, and I’m doing a couple of Sonic attacks.

Michael Che: A sonic attack? Like what the Russians do with sound waves?

Cathy Anne: No. I did an upper decker at the soft server machine at Sonic. But a lot of people did end up with pretty bad headaches. Everything worked out, okay? Because I made a plea deal. I wound up getting life in prison.

Michael Che: That’s a bad deal.

Cathy Anne: Well, they wanted to kill me. And that kind of bring my chair back, made me watch him tested. Tuck a little hat on me and everything. Whow, that’s chilling.

Michael Che: I’m really sorry you’re going to prison.

Cathy Anne: Oh no, I’m not. I think it’s actually gonna give me some much needed stability. And I’m not just scared because I got friends on the inside. They seem to be doing okay. [There’s a picture of Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant inside jail] Yeah. And it’s okay. I had a good run. I mean, I met you, we fell in love. We made a sex tape.

Michael Che: Kathy Anne, you getting caught on my Ring cam masturbating is not a sex tape.

Cathy Anne: Potato Chlamado. That’s a spicy meat ball. Hey Colin, don’t you think I forgot about you. Here’s your picture of you may do an update together.

[There’s a picture of Colin Jost and Cecily Strong in old Weeked Update set]

Michael Che: Whoa! Cathy Anne, you look so different. What happened?

Cathy Anne: Okay, excuse me. Look at you. Have you seen you now versus when you started, Mr. Silver fact? Turn into Obama.

Michael Che: All right, that’s fair.

Cathy Anne: Listen, everybody has to go to jail at some point, right? It’s just my time now. But I had a lot of fun here. And I feel really lucky that I got to have so many of the best moments of my life in this place with these people that I love so much. [cheers and applause] But I know, I guess take that with a grain of salt being that I have addiction issues. It’s like another great drug addict once said, “There’s no place like home and there’s no home like the place where I’ve gotten yelled outside Michael Che’s window.” Don’t be sad, because remember… [singing] I did it high, Che.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody.

Cathy Anne: Oh my god, I lit it. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Blocking It Out for Christmas Cold Open

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

Sarah Sherman

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

[Starts with three adults in a Christmas party]

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas.

Kenan: Is it already?

Bowen: Yeah, that’s right. Mariah Carey saw her shadow. That means two more weeks till Christmas.

Cecily: Oh, yes. What a year it’s been.

Kenan: What a three years.

Bowen: I know. I’m still signing my checks 2019.

Cecily: Well, I’m more concerned that you’re still writing checks.

Bowen: You know what I mean. I mean, the whole world is just so overwhelming sometimes. War, climate change, Prince Harry Megan Markel documentary.

Cecily: You’re right. It’s hard not to feel helpless. I think I should be doing more for myself or friends, for society. But then I remember.

[singing] It’s Christmas
and all of my stress fades away

all the problems and issues

and crying and tissues

can wait until January

Kenan: You just give your concerns a delay?

Cecily: Till Christmas

Bowen: Oh, you mean block it all out? Bury your feelings deep inside where they can’t hurt you?

Cecily: Yes, exactly.

Kenan: Like…

[singing] My drinking
it’s starting to get out of hand
I knew that it may have crossed
into a dark place
when Burger King said I was banned

But maybe I’ll just make that my brand.

Till Christmas.

Cecily: You see, you’re getting it. What about you?

Bowen: Oh, I don’t know. Let me try.

[singing] My mental health
my mental health hasn’t been great
I wake up at noon and the sun somehow setting
than I fall back asleep around eight
But I can live in the delusional states

All: For Chrismas

Sarah: Hey, we heard you guys singing about ignoring your anxiety in an unhealthy way.

Ego: You don’t mind if we join you and do a little ooze in the background?

Cecily: Sure. And you know we can complain about specific people too. Like…

[singing] Elon. 

[Sarah and Ego oozing in the background]

Why does he own all this stuff
Why does he have to run Tesla and Twitter
was outerspace not enough?

Bowen: And Hitler.

[Sarah and Ego oozing in the background]

Since when did Hitler come back?
Didn’t we basically all agree years ago
Hitler should never come back

Kenan: And why are all his new fans black?

All: For Christmas.
Let’s block it all out for Chriastmas

Kenan: There’s sober October and no nut November
so let’s introduce no remember December

Cecily: Family visits and you just want to hide
that’s why I drink eggnog with the Xanax inside

Ego: For Easter and who thinks whose lifestyles wrong

Sarah: Forget your uncle who hurt you way too long

Bowen: Your grandma will whisper your living in sin

Cecily: So just TikTok on the toilet till your ass falls in

Kenan: You’re worrying too much when you’re giving gifts
it’s easy here to buy a gun than tickets to Taylor Swift
Ego: Stop obsessing about every decision from Scotis
or the mental well being of our current protest

All: Just focus on who’s gonna die on White Lotus.
Because it’s Christmas.

[doorbell ringing]

[Devon walks in with a box]

Devon: Hey, did somebody order a Grub Hub?

Cecily: Oh, my dinner’s here. I got Italian.

Devon: Yes, that’s one order a garlic bread and 12 bottles of wine.

Cecily: Yes, that’s right. You can leave the wine over there.

Devon: Okay, and did you want the garlic bread?

Cecily: I think you know I don’t.

Kenan: Wow. I feel like all our holiday worries have gone away.

Bowen: Me too. Except for a few things, just off the top of my head.

Schools are failing kids don’t know Jack
Coleman never left and also it’s bad
Cable News is awful but I can put it
R Kelly dropped an album called ‘I admit it’

So I really want to shout
but I’m blocking everything out

for Christmas

All: For Christmas.

Sarah: Okay. So you bury all all your feelings for Christmas, okay? But what happens in January?

Cecily: Oh, then…

We explode
we freak out and threaten our ex
we drink to the point
where we contemplate murderer
and accept Venmo payments for sex
but that’s just what happens next
because for now is it’s Christmas

[Santa Clause walks in]

Santa Clause: Ho-ho-ho-ho. And live from New York… Wait did you say Venmo payments for sex?

Cecily: It’s Saturday night!

Weekend Update- Woman Wins Back-to-Back Lottos, Child Arrested for Touching Teacher

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Cleopatra at right top corner.]

Michael Che:  Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a tunnel that they think leads to the long lost tomb of Cleopatra. Cleopatra’s, of course, the enchanting queen who seduced both Mark Antony and Julius Caesar, I assume because she’s really funny or something? I don’t know.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Woman wins $400K in back to back lottos” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Delaware won $400,000 after hitting back to back lottos in the same day. But the woman says she’s still going to keep her day job, forging lottery tickets.

The US Air Force is denying that its pilots intentionally flew a flight path that created a giant penis pointed at Russia. Even worse, they then fired missiles.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “White student assaults two black students” at right top corner.]

Michael Che:  A white student at the University of Kentucky was arrested after she was caught on video using a racial slur and assaulting two Black students. She has been charged with one count of impersonating a police officer.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “10 year old arrested for touching teacher’s breast” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A 10 year old boy in Florida faces misdemeanor battery charges after he allegedly touched a teacher’s breast. Because, under Florida law, students are required to wait for their teacher to make the first move.

 

Weekend Update Velma Comes Out as a Lesbian Artist Sells Urine for 500

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Doctors worry about telling middle-aged women to lose weight” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Some doctors are worried about a new recommendation asking them to encourage middle aged women to lose weight. also worried about women losing too much weight, black guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Empire State building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Empire State— What? The Empire State Building lit up blue and white to celebrate Aaron Judge hitting his record 6Michael Chend Home run to the season. While over in Queens, a porta potty was set on fire in honor of the Mets blowing the division.

[cut to an article that says “Velma out as a lesbian”]

In a new Scooby Doo Halloween specialty, character Velma is openly depicted as a lesbian. Finally. She was openly depicted as lesbian which explains why Scooby is now a rescue pitbull.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on 5th of October at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wednesday was National Coffee With A Cop day and something tells me cops like their coffee black with a couple of shots in it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a sky scraper in san Francisco at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Michael! new skyscrapers being designed in San Francisco featuring a clear glass cube on top, it will appear to be floating. And then a week later, appear to be covered in dead birds.

[picture changes to a calendar marked on 4th of October]

This Tuesday was national vodka day. Oh, so that’s why my dad called.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of pumpkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hefty has introduced pumpkin spice into trash bags and I gotta say ‘pumpkin spice into trash bags’ is probably the best slur for white people I’ve ever heard.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson Says Goodbye for Now

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: well guys, it is the final episode of the season. Here to talk about it is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey. Thank you. Hello. Thanks. Hello Colin and Che, and millions of people only watching to see if I bring up Kanye.

Colin Jost: Yeh, Pete, you’ve had a weird year.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, little bit. Yeah. I just I never imagined this would be my life. You know? I mean, look at me when I started here. [a picture of Pete Davidson when he just started appears on left top corner] Like back then, I was just like a skinny kid and no one knew what race I was. And like now, everyone knows him white because I became hugely successful while barely showing up to work. Like live with me now, I’m aging like an old banana. And Colin still looks like the only Kennedy who doesn’t drink.

Colin Jost: Thanks, Pete. So are you officially leaving?

Pete Davidson:  Yeah, man. Lorne accidentally gifted me a sock, so I’m free.

Colin Jost: Has a lot has changed since you started here?

Pete Davidson: A lot has changed. In three years, Fox News went from calling me a monster for making fun of Congressman Dan Crenshaw’s eyepatch to also making fun of Dan Crenshaw as I patch. Tucker Carlson called him “Eyepatch McCain”. That’s two veterans in one insult. Geez Colin, your dad’s a dick.

Colin Jost: Actually, Pete, I’m not related to Tucker Carlson.

Pete Davidson: Well, I learned something new every day. But In fairness, though, to what I originally said, because clearly it still bothers me, what I was saying, I was simply making a joke about someone’s appearance without realizing that the medical condition behind it was a sensitive issue, which is an SNL alumni tradition. [picture of Chris Rock getting smacked by Will Smith appears on left top corner] Hear, on one hand, I don’t like that people think they could just run up on stage and hit a comedian, but on the other, it’s how I know all my shows will now be sold out.

Colin Jost: Pete Is there anything you’re gonna miss about this place?

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah, Lorne, for sure. He’s amazing. He’s led us through the COVID era, even though the only time he wears a mask is that his Eyes Wide Shut parties. Yeah. He always gives the best advice. Really, this is all true advice that Lorne has given me. I’ll never forget this. I called him and said— When I got engaged, I said, “Lorne, I just got engaged to Ariana Grande after dating for two weeks.” And he said, “Oh, hold on for dear life.” It’s a true thing. And then I remember when I auditioned for SNL, he looked me right in the eye and said, “I don’t know. I don’t think you’re right for this show. So let’s screw this up together.” And that’s exactly what we did. And that’s why people who don’t think I deserve this job shouldn’t hate me since we have so much in common. Like, if anything, I should inspire hope, you know, like that literally anyone could be on Saturday Night Live. Seriously, you see a guy bumming cigarettes outside of 7Eleven at 2 AM? That’s not some meth head. That’s the next Pete Davidson.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m gonna miss you, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Oh, well, thanks, Colin. Even though I know it says that on your cue card. You’ve been like an older brother to me. In the way that my mom openly loves you more than she does me. And I appreciate SNL always having my back and allowed me to work on myself and grow. And you know, thank you to Lorne for never giving up on me or, you know, judging me even when like everyone else was and for believing in me and allowing me to have a place that I can call home with the memories that will last a lifetime. So thank you guys.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update A Black Woman Whos Been Missing for Ten Years

Colin Jost

Missing black woman… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost:  Well, there’s been a lot of media coverage about a missing woman from Long Island, with some calling it another example of missing white woman syndrome since minority women are rarely given the same attention. Here with her thoughts is a black woman who has been missing for ten years.

[Missing black woman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome. Welcome.

Missing black woman: It’s good to be here, Colin. Honestly, it’s good to be anywhere because I had been missing, okay? It’s so frustrating. There was a white woman who went missing the same time as me and look at the photo they put out of her. [A picture of a white lady appears] Just gorgeous. Hair and make up all done. Make up, nails, all of that. Now, look at the photo they used for me. [A picture of Missing black woman appears and it’s not a good picture.] Who the hell wants to find that? Huh? I look like old dirty bastard’s dirtiest sister. And look at the white lady’s reward. $10,000. That’s a new car. Now, check out the reward for me. A $15 gift card for Chili’s Too. You got to go to an airport to use that, Colin. They’re offering chips and guacamole to find a human soul. It’s not right. And this is the worst part. At the top of my photo, they put ‘Wanted’. I’m not wanted. I’m missing! If I was wanted, I probably wouldn’t be missing. Plus the white girl got amber alert. Oh boy, every iPhone in the room started beeping and buzzing. They only put out my disappearance on Cricket Wireless. And if you opened the alert, it charged you $2.99.

Colin Jost: That is rough.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: And how are you treated by the media?

Missing black woman: Not great. The newspaper headline about her disappearance was on the front page, okay? And it said “White virginal dime piece ripped from the hands of her loving, still married parents.” Not exactly sure why they needed to flaunt their marriage on missing person section. Well, okay. And mine was on page C-15 and that one read “Girl not home for 40 days, probably nothing, family cool with it.”

Colin Jost: That’s by the Obituaries.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Now, do you think that the media has to recognize its own bias in this?

Missing black woman: Oh, it’s not just the media, Colin. Even in the movies, black women can’t get attention. White women had “Gone Girl”, “Gone Baby Gone”, “Where In The World Did That Gone Girl Go?” The best black woman got was “Madea’s Witness Protection”.

Colin Jost: That’s tough. Yes.

Missing black woman: And do you remember “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”?

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah.

Missing black woman: Yeah, that was three billboards for one white girl. All I got was a flyer at McDonald’s that said “You’ve seen this bitch? Either way, we good.”

Colin Jost: Well, I would just like to say that here in Weekend Update, we pledge all we speak up for those without voices.

Missing black woman: Okay. Because yesterday your co-anchor posted [picture of Michael Che’s Insta post appears] “What did R. Kelly even do?”

Michael Che: What did he do? I mean, you don’t want to answer.

Colin Jost: A black woman who’s been missing for 10 years, everyone.

Missing black woman: Ya’ll haven’t even asked my name.

Colin Jost: What is your name?

Missing black woman: Dont!

Weekend Update- Colin Jost and Michael Che Swap Jokes for Season 46 Finale

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, tonight is the last show of the season and Che and I have decided that our end of the year gift to each other will once again be jokes.

Michael Che: Yeah. So, we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: And the idea is to keep it fun, light. No one’s going to get canceled. No one’s family’s going to get threatened. Have fun.

Michael Che: Sure, we’ll see. Why don’t you go first?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an obese monkey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An obese monkey in Thailand named Godzilla has been sent to a special facility to lose weight. Official realize that the monkey was overweight when a bunch of black guys kept hitting on it.

[Cut to Michael Che laughing hard. There’s a picture of a ‘strip club’ board at right top corner.]

Michael Che: That was pretty racist, Colin. Las Vegas is opening a Pop-up vaccine site at a strip club and don’t worry, the strippers say the vaccine is a lot like Michael Che, very quick and you can barely feel it go in.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Superman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Warner Brothers is producing a new movie in which Superman is black. And a black Superman actually makes a lot of sense when you remember that Superman was abandoned by his parents as a baby. There’s more? Well, I knew you’d like that one, so here’s another one. Warner Brothers is producing a new movie in which Superman is black. In this version, black Superman’s kryptonite honest day’s work.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of San Diego map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa! Really doubling down on black Superman. San Diego police are being investigated after video surfaced of them using excessive force on a homeless black man accused of urinating in public. But I say, “Great work keeping out streets clean, boys.” Yes sir, anything the police do is all right ole Mikey Che. I know I’m probably the only black man brave enough to say this on live TV but blue lives matter even more.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hip Hop Museum logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Really nice of you. This week, construction began on a new Hip Hop museum in the Bronx. And I know that we had a lot of fun with me reading racist jokes that Michael writes for me, but because our country is divided enough, I’d like to use my platform to say something that everyone of all races can agree on. Woody Allen is innocent. He did nothing wrong. Before I go, I just thought of another punch line for that black Superman joke. Black Superman will be referred to as the Man of Steel, spelled S-T-E-A-L.