Weekend Update Velma Comes Out as a Lesbian Artist Sells Urine for 500

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Doctors worry about telling middle-aged women to lose weight” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Some doctors are worried about a new recommendation asking them to encourage middle aged women to lose weight. also worried about women losing too much weight, black guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Empire State building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Empire State— What? The Empire State Building lit up blue and white to celebrate Aaron Judge hitting his record 6Michael Chend Home run to the season. While over in Queens, a porta potty was set on fire in honor of the Mets blowing the division.

[cut to an article that says “Velma out as a lesbian”]

In a new Scooby Doo Halloween specialty, character Velma is openly depicted as a lesbian. Finally. She was openly depicted as lesbian which explains why Scooby is now a rescue pitbull.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on 5th of October at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wednesday was National Coffee With A Cop day and something tells me cops like their coffee black with a couple of shots in it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a sky scraper in san Francisco at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Michael! new skyscrapers being designed in San Francisco featuring a clear glass cube on top, it will appear to be floating. And then a week later, appear to be covered in dead birds.

[picture changes to a calendar marked on 4th of October]

This Tuesday was national vodka day. Oh, so that’s why my dad called.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of pumpkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hefty has introduced pumpkin spice into trash bags and I gotta say ‘pumpkin spice into trash bags’ is probably the best slur for white people I’ve ever heard.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson Says Goodbye for Now

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: well guys, it is the final episode of the season. Here to talk about it is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey. Thank you. Hello. Thanks. Hello Colin and Che, and millions of people only watching to see if I bring up Kanye.

Colin Jost: Yeh, Pete, you’ve had a weird year.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, little bit. Yeah. I just I never imagined this would be my life. You know? I mean, look at me when I started here. [a picture of Pete Davidson when he just started appears on left top corner] Like back then, I was just like a skinny kid and no one knew what race I was. And like now, everyone knows him white because I became hugely successful while barely showing up to work. Like live with me now, I’m aging like an old banana. And Colin still looks like the only Kennedy who doesn’t drink.

Colin Jost: Thanks, Pete. So are you officially leaving?

Pete Davidson:  Yeah, man. Lorne accidentally gifted me a sock, so I’m free.

Colin Jost: Has a lot has changed since you started here?

Pete Davidson: A lot has changed. In three years, Fox News went from calling me a monster for making fun of Congressman Dan Crenshaw’s eyepatch to also making fun of Dan Crenshaw as I patch. Tucker Carlson called him “Eyepatch McCain”. That’s two veterans in one insult. Geez Colin, your dad’s a dick.

Colin Jost: Actually, Pete, I’m not related to Tucker Carlson.

Pete Davidson: Well, I learned something new every day. But In fairness, though, to what I originally said, because clearly it still bothers me, what I was saying, I was simply making a joke about someone’s appearance without realizing that the medical condition behind it was a sensitive issue, which is an SNL alumni tradition. [picture of Chris Rock getting smacked by Will Smith appears on left top corner] Hear, on one hand, I don’t like that people think they could just run up on stage and hit a comedian, but on the other, it’s how I know all my shows will now be sold out.

Colin Jost: Pete Is there anything you’re gonna miss about this place?

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah, Lorne, for sure. He’s amazing. He’s led us through the COVID era, even though the only time he wears a mask is that his Eyes Wide Shut parties. Yeah. He always gives the best advice. Really, this is all true advice that Lorne has given me. I’ll never forget this. I called him and said— When I got engaged, I said, “Lorne, I just got engaged to Ariana Grande after dating for two weeks.” And he said, “Oh, hold on for dear life.” It’s a true thing. And then I remember when I auditioned for SNL, he looked me right in the eye and said, “I don’t know. I don’t think you’re right for this show. So let’s screw this up together.” And that’s exactly what we did. And that’s why people who don’t think I deserve this job shouldn’t hate me since we have so much in common. Like, if anything, I should inspire hope, you know, like that literally anyone could be on Saturday Night Live. Seriously, you see a guy bumming cigarettes outside of 7Eleven at 2 AM? That’s not some meth head. That’s the next Pete Davidson.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m gonna miss you, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Oh, well, thanks, Colin. Even though I know it says that on your cue card. You’ve been like an older brother to me. In the way that my mom openly loves you more than she does me. And I appreciate SNL always having my back and allowed me to work on myself and grow. And you know, thank you to Lorne for never giving up on me or, you know, judging me even when like everyone else was and for believing in me and allowing me to have a place that I can call home with the memories that will last a lifetime. So thank you guys.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update A Black Woman Whos Been Missing for Ten Years

Colin Jost

Missing black woman… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost:  Well, there’s been a lot of media coverage about a missing woman from Long Island, with some calling it another example of missing white woman syndrome since minority women are rarely given the same attention. Here with her thoughts is a black woman who has been missing for ten years.

[Missing black woman slides in] [cheers and applause]

Welcome. Welcome.

Missing black woman: It’s good to be here, Colin. Honestly, it’s good to be anywhere because I had been missing, okay? It’s so frustrating. There was a white woman who went missing the same time as me and look at the photo they put out of her. [A picture of a white lady appears] Just gorgeous. Hair and make up all done. Make up, nails, all of that. Now, look at the photo they used for me. [A picture of Missing black woman appears and it’s not a good picture.] Who the hell wants to find that? Huh? I look like old dirty bastard’s dirtiest sister. And look at the white lady’s reward. $10,000. That’s a new car. Now, check out the reward for me. A $15 gift card for Chili’s Too. You got to go to an airport to use that, Colin. They’re offering chips and guacamole to find a human soul. It’s not right. And this is the worst part. At the top of my photo, they put ‘Wanted’. I’m not wanted. I’m missing! If I was wanted, I probably wouldn’t be missing. Plus the white girl got amber alert. Oh boy, every iPhone in the room started beeping and buzzing. They only put out my disappearance on Cricket Wireless. And if you opened the alert, it charged you $2.99.

Colin Jost: That is rough.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: And how are you treated by the media?

Missing black woman: Not great. The newspaper headline about her disappearance was on the front page, okay? And it said “White virginal dime piece ripped from the hands of her loving, still married parents.” Not exactly sure why they needed to flaunt their marriage on missing person section. Well, okay. And mine was on page C-15 and that one read “Girl not home for 40 days, probably nothing, family cool with it.”

Colin Jost: That’s by the Obituaries.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Now, do you think that the media has to recognize its own bias in this?

Missing black woman: Oh, it’s not just the media, Colin. Even in the movies, black women can’t get attention. White women had “Gone Girl”, “Gone Baby Gone”, “Where In The World Did That Gone Girl Go?” The best black woman got was “Madea’s Witness Protection”.

Colin Jost: That’s tough. Yes.

Missing black woman: And do you remember “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”?

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah.

Missing black woman: Yeah, that was three billboards for one white girl. All I got was a flyer at McDonald’s that said “You’ve seen this bitch? Either way, we good.”

Colin Jost: Well, I would just like to say that here in Weekend Update, we pledge all we speak up for those without voices.

Missing black woman: Okay. Because yesterday your co-anchor posted [picture of Michael Che’s Insta post appears] “What did R. Kelly even do?”

Michael Che: What did he do? I mean, you don’t want to answer.

Colin Jost: A black woman who’s been missing for 10 years, everyone.

Missing black woman: Ya’ll haven’t even asked my name.

Colin Jost: What is your name?

Missing black woman: Dont!

Weekend Update- Colin Jost and Michael Che Swap Jokes for Season 46 Finale

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, tonight is the last show of the season and Che and I have decided that our end of the year gift to each other will once again be jokes.

Michael Che: Yeah. So, we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: And the idea is to keep it fun, light. No one’s going to get canceled. No one’s family’s going to get threatened. Have fun.

Michael Che: Sure, we’ll see. Why don’t you go first?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an obese monkey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An obese monkey in Thailand named Godzilla has been sent to a special facility to lose weight. Official realize that the monkey was overweight when a bunch of black guys kept hitting on it.

[Cut to Michael Che laughing hard. There’s a picture of a ‘strip club’ board at right top corner.]

Michael Che: That was pretty racist, Colin. Las Vegas is opening a Pop-up vaccine site at a strip club and don’t worry, the strippers say the vaccine is a lot like Michael Che, very quick and you can barely feel it go in.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Superman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Warner Brothers is producing a new movie in which Superman is black. And a black Superman actually makes a lot of sense when you remember that Superman was abandoned by his parents as a baby. There’s more? Well, I knew you’d like that one, so here’s another one. Warner Brothers is producing a new movie in which Superman is black. In this version, black Superman’s kryptonite honest day’s work.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of San Diego map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa! Really doubling down on black Superman. San Diego police are being investigated after video surfaced of them using excessive force on a homeless black man accused of urinating in public. But I say, “Great work keeping out streets clean, boys.” Yes sir, anything the police do is all right ole Mikey Che. I know I’m probably the only black man brave enough to say this on live TV but blue lives matter even more.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hip Hop Museum logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Really nice of you. This week, construction began on a new Hip Hop museum in the Bronx. And I know that we had a lot of fun with me reading racist jokes that Michael writes for me, but because our country is divided enough, I’d like to use my platform to say something that everyone of all races can agree on. Woody Allen is innocent. He did nothing wrong. Before I go, I just thought of another punch line for that black Superman joke. Black Superman will be referred to as the Man of Steel, spelled S-T-E-A-L.

Weekend Update- Biden Calls for Gun Control

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Biden falling on stairs at left top corner.]

This week kind of felt like Biden on those stairs. You thought it had to get better then it repeatedly got worse. In the wake of the Colorado and Atlanta shootings, President Biden called for universal background checks for gun purchases and background checks are great start. But shouldn’t we also do current checks? Like, what are these guys are up to now? How much Call of Duty are they playing? Have they recently DM’ed a girl “Hey” 30 times? Or how about this? If you want a gun, the gun store has to talk to at least five people from your life who agree it’s a good idea for you to have a gun? It’s really not that much to ask. You got to list three references on an application to work at Foot locker. And republicans, please stop pretending this is a second amendment issue and just admit you love guns more than people you don’t know. I mean, these are your political ads. Look at them. You look like you’re running for president of ISIS. If you actually cared about the second amendment, you’d also care about the well-regulated militias part, and I don’t know if you noticed when they almost hung you two months ago, but our militias aren’t super well regulated.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just bought a gun last summer when all those white kids started talking about getting rid of the police. [laughing] President Biden gave his first press conference which lasted over an hour. Wow, shout out to Fixoent. [picture changes to Fixodent toothpaste.] At the conference, president Biden was asked if he plans to run for reelection at 2024 which is probably the nicest way to ask him if he plans on being alive in three years.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at a podium at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pictures appear online of president Biden reference detailed cheat sheets during his press conference and we actually have an exclusive look at one of them. [picture changes to a paper where it’s written “You = Joe Biden”] I gotta say, it’s easy to make fun of Biden’s cheat sheets but they worry me a lot less than Trump’s cheat sheets. Do you remember those? There were some real one. “Missile launched from N. Korea – will take care of it.” Next one. [picture changes to a paper where it’s writte “Alcaida”] Alqaeda written as Cicada. And of course this classic, “I want nothing, I want nothing, I want no quid-pro-quo.” Which I think were rap lyrics from the “Legally Blonde” musical.

After Biden’s first press conference, conservatives keep saying that he media is spinning everything to make Biden look good. But I think that’s ridiculous. And I would just like to congratulate Biden on how well he did the worm down those stairs.

[cut to video of Joe Biden walking up the stairs and falling] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of logo of democrats at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Some democrats are demanding the senate put an end to filibuster rule which some call a Jim Crow Relic. Also a Jim Crow Relic, some senators.

[picture changes to map of Virginia]

Virginia has become the first state in the south to abolish the death penalty. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some white women to whistle at.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Mitch McConnell seen here authorizing the vet to put his kids dog to sleep, he said that he’s open to the discussion of the gun control laws but what he’s not attracted to is something that doesn’t work. And you know he’s attracted to something because his neck pouch will inflate.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mark Zuckerberg an Instagram logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a congressional hearing, Mark Zuckerberg confirmed that he was creating an Instagram for kids. Wow! An app filled with pictures of just kids? What could possibly go wrong?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During an interview on Fox News, Donald Trump lied about January 6 capitol riot saying that supporters were not attacking officers but were instead hugging and kissing police. But I’m not surprised that Donald Trump can’t tell the difference between kissing and assault.

Home for Christmas

Katie… Lauren Holt

Dad.. Beck Bennett

Mom… Melissa Villaseñor

Punkie Johnson

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Grandpa… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Katie getting in the home]

Katie: Hello, is the coast clear? Anybody home?

Dad: Katie, sweetheart!

Punkie: Oh my god. Wait, Katie’s here? I thought you said you couldn’t come home for Christmas. That’s why grandpa’s been so depressed all waek.

Katie: I know. But since I’m a nurse, I was able to get the vaccine. So, I drove all night and dad and I cooked up the surprise.

Sue: [getting excited] Oh my god.

Dad: Yeah. We’re going to do it as soon as he gets home.

Sue: [getting too excited] My god! A surprise? Tonight?

Dad: Yes, Sue. Dad thinks it’s just us for dinner as usual.

Sue: Oh my god! And Katie’s here! With her antibodies?

Katie: I can see that Sue is glad to be a part of this.

Sue: I’m sorry. I love surprises. I’m so excited to see this freaking happen. God, he doesn’t know?

Katie: So, where is Pops now?

Dad: Okay. So, I didn’t know how to get him out of the house. So, I told him to finally take his coins to Coinstar.

Punkie: Should we have Katie hide behind the tree when he gets here?

Sue: [yelling] Yes!

Mom: Sue! Sue! We’re gonna have to keep this a secret when pops gets here. I hope you can keep it together and don’t ruin the surprise.

Katie: Sue? What are you doing?

Sue: [Sue is pulling off her sweater and covering her face] I’m so hot! I’m so freaking excited!

Punkie: Sue! Put your shirt back on.

Sue: He’s going to walk in here with his coin credit. And she’s going to come out from behind the tree. And we all know.

Dad: Yeah. Well, that’s what we’re hoping for.

Mom: Okay. So, how long do you think we have until pops–

Sue: I’m sorry. Oh god! I’m going to have some of this jello. I gotta eat sugar. Gelatin. I’m freaking going to pass out. Oh god.

Dad: Okay. Well, what if I play “I’ll be home for Christmas” when he comes in?

Katie: I love that idea. Sue?

[Sue had her head inside jello]

Punkie: Sue! You have to get yourself together. Katie traveled a long way. You’re going to ruin the surprise!

Sue: I’m sorry. Yes. I think if we just had a practice round, I’d feel better.

Dad: Oh, yes. That’s actually really good idea. Katie, go behind the tree.

Katie: You got it.

Mom: I’m on the music.

Dad: Okay. Now, everyone act natural. I’m dad. I’m coming home from Coinstar. I don’t expect anything because everyone’s acting normal and then Katie jumps out and says–

[Katie walks out from behind the tree. But Sue runs in and pushes Katie away.]

Sue: [shouting] Surprise!

Punkie: Oh my god! Sue! You knocked Katie on to the floor. [to Katie] Are you okay?

Katie: It’s fine. I just landed where I got my shot.

Dad: Oh my gosh. Dad’s back. This is it.

Mom: Okay Katie, hide. Everyone else, act natural. Sue, stay over there and don’t say a word.

[Grandpa walks in]

Dad: Hey, hey, dad!

Grandpa: Oh, good. Everyone’s together. Well, that’s great. But gosh, I just still wish Katie was here.

Mom: Yeah. We wish Katie were here too. Right guys?

Dad: Yeah. Sure do, dad.

Punkie: Maybe next year.

[Sue has Christmas socks inside her mouth.]

Grandpa: What’s going on with Sue? Everyone’s acting weird.

Punkie: Sue?

[Sue is moving around not being able to keep the secret]

Sue: Someone’s upstairs.

Mom: Sue!

Sue: No one! Who? A girl. No. She traveled. What? Yes. Oh. Stop. God! You thought she wasn’t coming. Who? Her. She got here. Pfizer.  What? Oh god. You’re going to be surprised! Oh god. Here it comes. Oh god. Here it comes.

Dad: Stop. Don’t say it. Sue!

[Sue runs out through the window breaking it.]

Grandpa: Good lord. What on earth? Did Sue just punch through the window and jump outside?

[Katie walks out]

Katie: Hi, pops.

Grandpa: What?

Katie: It was supposed to be a surprise.

Grandpa: Katie, you made it. This makes everything all better.

Mom: Oh, come on, everybody. Let’s eat. I have ham in the oven.

Sue: Ham? [Sue jumps in through the chimney] I love ham for Christmas!

[Sue holds the Christmas tree and pulls it out through the broken window]

Dad: My outdoor lights!