Bird… Kenan Thompson
Sushi Chef… Cecily Strong
Mouse… Alex Moffat
Air-hostess… Chloe Fineman
Aunt Annie… Kate McKinnon
Baby… Beck Bennett
[Starts with Chris and Pete buying stuffs at airport store.]
Chris: Yeah, I’ll get this Chobani Yogurt with no spoon to eat it with please.
Pete: Yeah, and I’d like a bottle of water that will roll to the back of the plane as soon as we take off.
John: Alright. $15, Dasani water, extra plastic.
Pete: And, you know what? I will grab a sushi too.
[John looks at Pete with shock]
John: I’m sorry?
Pete: The sushi, you know? The spicy tuna roll that’s sitting in on the display case next to the ham and cheese panini.
John: [hesitating] You’re sure you wanna eat the sushi?
Chris: You’re buying sushi at LaGuardia airport? Have you lost your damn mind?
Pete: What? I want a nice balance of carbs and protein. Just sell me the sushi, man.
John: Your wish is my command, Kimasabi. [speaking in loud voice] Oh, phantom of LaGuardia, why don’t you tell this fine young man how he’ll feel after he eats our sushi?
[A bird wearing a mask appears.]
[The store changes into a performance stage. There’s smoke and lights.]
Bird: [singing] In dreams it’s haunting you
that fish you ate
the expiration date
ends in one-eight
and still you’re choosing it
as food for plane
The Phantom of LeGuardia is there
it smells insane
Sushi Chef: I am the sushi chef
that made that roll
the fish inside of it
crawled out of hole
yet you’re consuming it
this great mistake
you’d honestly be so much better off
eating a Wuhan snake
Chris: Is he supposed to be a pigeon?
John: No. He’s one of the geese that took down Sully’s plane.
Bird: Miracle on the Hudson. More like, massacre in the sky.
Pete: And there’s just a bird loose in the terminal?
John: Of course, there is. Haven’t you been to LaGuardia before?
[singing] I like to be at LaGuardia
lots of delays at LaGuardia
two small for planes at LaGuardia
Bird: Watched a man die in LaGuardia
Sushi Chef: Baggage claim carousel cling clang
John: Outlets are there for a cool prank
Sushi Chef: Ha-ha, loose fire hangs from the ceiling
Bird: Gives you a skanky old feeling
[a mouse and an air-hostess join them]
All: I like to be at LaGuardia
It’s time to breathe at LaGuardia
we might have sealed LaGuardia
who can we blame for LaGuardia?
[Aunt Annie runs in]
Aunt Annie: I’ll tell you who you can blame.
John: Aunty orphan Annie?
Aunt Annie: When anything’s bad, De Blasio
throw your hands up and say De Blasio
you’ll feel shamed
I know some of it was Mike Bloomberg
but it still feels like De Blasio is to blame
Sushi Chef: Why are there five planes on the tarmic?
Aunt Annie: But the taxis must stay three miles away
All: De Blasio, De Blasio
the cops hate De Blasio
he’ll keep every song away
John: And look, here comes [everyone starts snapping their fingers] a crying baby about to board a trans-continental flight.
[a baby walks in snapping his finger.]
Baby: Gu-gu-ga-ga, gu-gu-ga-ga
I’m screaming cry voice
got a stripe rope in my diaper
oh, it’s a stinky stool boy
John: Just play it cool, baby. Real cool.
Baby: If my parents are looking for me, which they’re not, I’ll be in the kid’s playground that’s also a pet relief area. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
John: Wow, they let a baby through security.
[Jake walks in. He’s wearing pajamas.]
Jake: Did someone say security?
[cheers and applause]
John: Hello, guy who travels in pajamas.
Jake: That’s right. I dress so that TSA could have easy access to my body.
So, if you care to search me
I’ll spread my legs real wife
I’ll even bend over for you
you can take a peek inside
[Jake starts levetating]
you can tell that I enjoy security
you can search way up in my cavity
you can pack me down
you don’t have to use the front of your hands
John: Okay, Jesus. We get it. You can continue on to Cleveland now.
Jake: How did you know I was going to Cleveland?
John: That’s where everyone at LaGuardia is going, like it or not.
[Jake levetates away]
[Mikey is announcing from the United Express booth.]
Mikey: Attention, we have gate change for passengers going to Cleveland. Your old gate was A-7. Your new gate is G-46. It is physically impossible for you to make it to that gate in time and the plane will leave indeed. Thank you.
Pete: Man, I told you we should have left at JFK.
[Bowen walks in. He’s an Asian wearing a mask.]
Bowen: Ha-ha. And I guess I should have stayed home.
[John moves away from him screaming]
Oh, relax! I’m not sick. I’m just…
[music playing] profiled Asian
standing beside you
if I cough then it’s over
you’ll get off the plane
no, I wasn’t in “Parasite”
I know the virus is bad but
it’s coming from Italy too
Chris: Man, this airport is it’s own world.
John: Yes. A third world.
[David walks in. He is a baggage handler.]
David: And if you stay here long enough, you will learn the mysteries of LaGuardia.
John: Wow, it’s the baggage handler who tosses everyone’s suitcase into Long Island sound.
David: That’s right. And you should know that…
All: We’re on a plane to nowhere
hop on in side
they say it’s about to take off
but that is a lie
sure, it will start to taxi
but then it comes back
we’re on a road to one motel
overnight, let’s go find