Weekend Update- The Bidens and Carters Take a Picture & the Most Instagrammable Bird

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Jimmy Carter and his wife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a photo taken of president Biden visiting with Jimmy Carter and his wife has gone viral for an odd angle that makes Biden look like a giant next to the former president. Even weirder, when you zoom out, they’re all being held by Giuliani. [When zoomed out, they all are inside a crystal ball that Giuliani is holding.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of South Carolina map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: South Carolina lawmakers voted to add firing squad to its execution method. And I think it’s nice that people will finally get chance to be shot after they’re found guilty.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

Pennsylvania police arrested a couple after they raided their home and discovered $1 million worth of meth. For reference, this is what $1fif million worth of meth looks like. [Picture changes to people rioting at the Capitol] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grass at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police say that a woman who went missing nearly six months ago was found in a tent in a forest in Utah living off grass and moss. Authorities believe the woman either had mental health issues or read an article on “Goop”.

[Picture changes to an article on Goop that says “Why you should try the all grass and moss diet”.] [Picture changes to Disney Land]

Disney Land Snow White ride is being criticized because prince charming kisses Snow White without he consent while she was asleep. Which still isn’t as bad as Universal Studio’s new “Cosby the Ride”.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

A professional golfer in Florida was arrested after he tried to meet a 15 year old girl he met online who turned out to be a detective. Said the golfer, “Mulligan”? Sadly there’s more. For those of you wondering, in golf terms a 15 year old is 3 under par.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New Jersey woman has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s claiming that a burger wrapper she was given was smeared with excrement. In fairness, she ordered the number two.

[Picture changes to Los Angeles city]

The population of Los Angeles has fallen for the third straight year. Well, it’s like Colin always says, “LA is just not the same without Harvey.”

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of a bird at right top corner.]

You alway say it.

Colin Jost: Thanks. It’s cool. Researchers have determined that the most Instagrammable bird is an Australian species called ‘Tawny Frogmouth’. Well, the least Instagrammable bird is once again, Larry.

Take Me Back

Keith… Beck Bennett

Cara… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Keith knocking the door]

Keith: Cara, please. Cara, please open the door.

[Cara opens the door]

Cara: I couldn’t have been more clear with you on the phone. I’m done with you, Keith.

Keith: I know. I know. And you should be done with that Keith. That Keith didn’t deserve you. But this Keith, the Keith I am now, he does. I’ve changed, baby. Take me back.

Cara: You’ve changed? How, Keith? How have you changed?

Keith: I quit drinking. I haven’t touched a drop in a month.

Cara: Really?

Keith: Yeah. It was hard but I did it for you.

Cara: I’m glad.

Keith: And no more cocaine.

Cara: What?

Keith: I know. I never thought I could keep that nose blown either, but you gave me strength.

Cara: Sorry. You did coke?

Keith: Just to help keep me off the booze for a couple of years before that too. But those days behind me. No alcohol. No cocaine. No pills. I’m a new man.

Cara: God, Keith! Pills too?

Keith: Yeah. It’s that same old story. You know? Go to the doctor because you’re in pain and they give you these pills to help. But–

Cara: You got hooked.

Keith: Exactly. The next thing I know, I’m taking a fistfuls of Valtrex just to get out of bed in the morning.

Cara: Valtrex is for herpes, Keith. Do you have herpes?

Keith: The old Keith did. But this Keith? Nah. He is good.

Cara: That’s not how herpes works. God! Now I probably have it too.

Keith: Oh baby. You know if you have the kind I have. Plus I always used protection when we were together.

Cara: You never wore a condom.

Keith: But I always had a gun.

Cara: A gun? I’m glad you’re getting your life together but we’re through.

Keith: How can you say that, baby?

Cara: You just told me you have herpes.

Keith: Had. Past tense, baby. Past.

Cara: No. No, no, no, no. I don’t even know why you want to get back together. Half the time we were dating, you were romantically checked out.

Keith: I know. But that’s because, and this is hard for me to say but I had got a little too into porn.

Cara: Wow. That explains a lot.

Keith: Yeah. It’s addictive. I mean it seems harmless at first but then next thing you know, you’re shooting two or three scenes a day and there’s nothing left in the tank when you get home.

Cara: I’m sorry. You were doing porn? Like, having sex with women on the internet?

Keith: What? No. Never.

Cara: Thank god.

Keith: Never women. But baby all that’s behind me now. I’m not that stupid boy I was back then. I’ve grown. I’m a man. I’m Keith8 now.

Cara: You’re Keith8 now?

Keith: Yeah. I’ve changed.

Cara: No. How old were you when we started dating?

Keith: Old enough to know I messed up.

Cara: Oh my god. I’m going to jail.

Keith: Baby, don’t worry about that. Even if the cops found out, I wouldn’t say anything.

Cara: Good. Because–

Keith: [pulls out his gun] I’ll do the hardware do the talking.

Cara: Jesus! Keith! Put that thing away.

Keith: You sound like all those people in the playground. “Put that thing away.”

Cara: You took a gun out in the playground?

Keith: Gun? No. Never a gun.

Cara: What the hell is wrong with you?

Keith: People at the playground said that too.

Cara: Keith!

Keith: Alright. I’ll go. But first, there’s something I should have done a long time ago.

[Keith gets to his knees]

Cara: Oh my god!

[Keith presses the button that’s on his home arrest device]

Keith: I have to press that every hour so they know I’m still wearing it.

Cara: Why do you have that, Keith?

Keith: Because of what I took out of the playground.

Cara: Right.

Keith: It was my penis.

Cara: Yeah. I got that, Keith.

Keith: Look. I know I’m not perfect but you are. And I can’t live my life without you, baby. So, please, take me back.

[Keith and Cara are looking at each other. But then police cars come in.]

Oh, crap! Could you just hand on to this for me for like, a day or two? [handing over all the guns, pills and drugs that Keith has on him to Cara] Thanks. You never saw me, okay? I wasn’t here. Love you.

[Keith runs away]

Cara: He loves me.