Weekend Update- Tom Cruise Returns Golden Globes & Ohio State Massage Therapist

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Tom Cruise at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that Tom Cruise protested the lack of diversity at the Hollywood Foreign Press by returning his three Golden Globe statues, which was tough for him because they were sitting in pretty high shelves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Jeff Bezos has begun building a new $500 million yacht. In response, Elon Musk has begun building a $600 million iceberg.

[Picture changes to Subway]

New York city has begun offering vaccine outside of Subway stations, but I think they could have picked a better slogan than “Get shot on the subway”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Uncle Ben’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Uncle Ben’s rice which has been criticized for perpetuating racial stereotype has officially changed it’s name to Ben’s Original. Now, I’m no expert but I don’t think the problem was that he was an uncle.

[Picture changes to Lynyrd Skynyrd band logo]

Police in Florida are searching for a man who stole more than $ 12,000 worth of Lynyrd Skynyrd memorabilia. $12,000 worth? So, all of it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chicago city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Chicago officials announced that they were releasing more than Colin Jost,000 feral cats into the city to help combat it’s growing rat problem. Or as the Chicago health commissioner explained it, “Da cats combat da rats and dat’s dat!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of guns at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I’m stunned. Navy officials boarded a ship in the Arabian sea and discovered weapons stash so large that it covered the deck of the US missile ship. Fortunately, the weapons are being returned to the US where they can safely be sold to the mentally disturbed.

[Picture changes to a squirrel and a pigeon.]

A group of researchers are trying to determine why humans have a desire to feed other animals so much as birds and squirrels, but if I had to guess, it’s probably because their wife passed away. [Picture changes to an old man sitting alone at the park feeding the pigeons] I don’t know why I thought that would make you laugh.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s Ohio State University logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Ohio State University reported that a massage therapist had sex with at least five of their football players. This story was first reported in a pitch to high school recruits.

Weekend Update- The Bidens and Carters Take a Picture & the Most Instagrammable Bird

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Jimmy Carter and his wife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a photo taken of president Biden visiting with Jimmy Carter and his wife has gone viral for an odd angle that makes Biden look like a giant next to the former president. Even weirder, when you zoom out, they’re all being held by Giuliani. [When zoomed out, they all are inside a crystal ball that Giuliani is holding.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of South Carolina map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: South Carolina lawmakers voted to add firing squad to its execution method. And I think it’s nice that people will finally get chance to be shot after they’re found guilty.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

Pennsylvania police arrested a couple after they raided their home and discovered $1 million worth of meth. For reference, this is what $1fif million worth of meth looks like. [Picture changes to people rioting at the Capitol] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grass at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police say that a woman who went missing nearly six months ago was found in a tent in a forest in Utah living off grass and moss. Authorities believe the woman either had mental health issues or read an article on “Goop”.

[Picture changes to an article on Goop that says “Why you should try the all grass and moss diet”.] [Picture changes to Disney Land]

Disney Land Snow White ride is being criticized because prince charming kisses Snow White without he consent while she was asleep. Which still isn’t as bad as Universal Studio’s new “Cosby the Ride”.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

A professional golfer in Florida was arrested after he tried to meet a 15 year old girl he met online who turned out to be a detective. Said the golfer, “Mulligan”? Sadly there’s more. For those of you wondering, in golf terms a 15 year old is 3 under par.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New Jersey woman has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s claiming that a burger wrapper she was given was smeared with excrement. In fairness, she ordered the number two.

[Picture changes to Los Angeles city]

The population of Los Angeles has fallen for the third straight year. Well, it’s like Colin always says, “LA is just not the same without Harvey.”

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of a bird at right top corner.]

You alway say it.

Colin Jost: Thanks. It’s cool. Researchers have determined that the most Instagrammable bird is an Australian species called ‘Tawny Frogmouth’. Well, the least Instagrammable bird is once again, Larry.

Weekend Update- New Dick’s Sporting Goods Store & Taylor Swift Re-Records Album

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Dick’s Sporting Goods logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dick’s Sporting Goods is opening a new experiential store with a rock climbing wall, sports fields and indoor wellness space. Unfortunately, they’re calling it “Hands-on Dick’s”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Taylor Swift has released an album of re-recorded versions of her album ‘Fearless’ which she first made when she was 18. Wow, that’s impressive because if I released a number of things I wrote when I was 18, I would be fired immediately.

[Picture changes to Tyler Perry]

Tyler Perry is developing a new TV series that explores the origin of his character Media, weirdly as part of his new superhero franchise, “The Averngers”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a house at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The house where Lizzie Borden murdered her parents has been sold for $Michael Che million and will be turned into a bed and breakfast. Though, a bread and breakfast where a murder happened is pretty much just Days Inn.

[Picture changes to a bird feeder and a bird.]

The CDC is warning about a salmonella outbreak that’s linked to bird feeders. Yet another piece of bad news for people who eat out of bird feeders.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Will.I.Am at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Singer Will.I.Am announced that he is developing a new face mask that will come with an air filter, bluetooth and noise cancelling earbuds. Or, hear me out, just get the vaccine, man. I like Will.I.Am, but if you don’t make another hit soon, you gonna be Will.I.Was.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Captain Underpants at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The publishers of the Captain Underpants books have cancelled the spinoffs of the popular series saying it promoted “passive racism”, which is not what I expected a guy called ‘Captain Underpants’ to get cancelled for.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starbucks has launched a new eco friendly program called ‘borrow a cup’ in which customers return their cup after finishing their drink so the store can use it again. And Dunkin’ donuts plans to compete with this promotion by not doing that.

[The picture changes to a map of Texas and handcuffs.]

Texas police arrested a woman who broke into a man’s house, stripped naked and in one of his beds. The man called the police when he realized the woman was not attractive.