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Fox & Friends Cold Open- Dominion Lawsuit

Steve Doocy… Mikey Day

Brian Kilmeade… Bowen Yang

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Mike Lindell… James Austin Johnson

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Famale voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set]

Steve Doocy: Good morning. Welcome to Fox and Friends. I’m Steve Doocy here with my good friends Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt.

Brian Kilmeade: Thank you, Steve. As always, we are coming to you live from our studio in New York City. New York what a cesspool.

Steve Doocy: Oh, that’s a Democrat run city for you.

Ainsley Earhardt: I know. Just today I was pushed onto the subway tracks by a homeless man and then push back on the platform by rats.

Steve Doocy: Argh, terrible. Well, you may have heard that Fox News is currently facing a $1.6 billion lawsuit from Dominion voting systems.

Brian Kilmeade: I’m surprised because I’m such a fan of Dominions. The little yellow guys with the overalls they go Banana.

Mike: No, Brian, not the Minions. We’re talking about the Dominion voting machines lawsuits. And our boss Rupert Murdoch gave some pretty shocking testimony in the case.

Ainsley Earhardt: This whole trial has been so unfair. They are raking him over the coals. Rupert Murdoch would never murder anyone.

Steve Doocy: Sorry. What?

Ainsley Earhardt: They sent him away for life. Look how sad he looks. Now, where’s that picture I found?

[a picture of Alex Murdoch appears on the screen]

Steve Doocy: Ainsley!

Ainsley Earhardt: What?

Steve Doocy: That’s not Rupert Murdoch. That’s Alex Murdoch.

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, we just blew the case wide open. They got the wrong guy.

Steve Doocy: Okay, I’ll explain later. Anyway, Rupert Murdoch admitted that Fox News aired election fraud conspiracies to get ratings even though everyone at Fox knew they were false.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, I didn’t. Loop a brother in next time.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, you may be wondering if it’s such a big story, why haven’t I heard about it on Fox?

Brian Kilmeade: I think it’s because they’re suing us for $1.6 billion.

Steve Doocy: No, it’s cuz it’s complete BS. The media is taking private texts from Fox News hosts and showing them completely out of content.

Brian Kilmeade: Like this one from Sean Hannity. “Rudy Giuliani is insane…” How could you leave out the rest? It’s “Rudy Giuliani is insanely hot. I just want to lick that head guy.”

Steve Doocy: Oh-hoo. I mean, who wouldn’t? Right? And some of the messages they showed at the trial didn’t even relate to the lawsuit at all. For example, the text “Mind blowingly nuts,” “Off the rails,” and “F-ing lunatic” were all sent in response to Laura Ingram’s text, “What should I put my Tinder bio?”

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay. You go girl. It’s hard out there.

Steve Doocy: All right. We have a special guest whose appearances on Fox were heavily featured in the trial, is a Fox News staple and happens to be our number one advertiser, it’s mMy Pillow’s Mike Lindell.

Mike Lindell: Hello Ainsley and the guys. I’m down at CPAC right now and it is an absolute blast. I was just over at the Biden dunk tank. It’s not the real Biden you dunk, but the actor is just as old. So you never know if he’s coming back up. There’s real risk there.

Brian Kilmeade: It’s great. Well, we’re glad to have you on but because of this lawsuit, our lawyers have asked you please don’t say anything crazy about Dominion.

Mike Lindell: No problem, I’ve been briefed. I know the rules. Every Dominion machine has a Venezuelan Oompah Loompah inside. They eat the votes with its little mouth.

Steve Doocy: Mike, gotta cut you off there, pal. You know, we can’t just be saying whatever anymore.

Mike Lindell: Oh, of course. Of course. Let me choose my words carefully. Dominion voting machines give triple votes to Democrats, illegals, and that lady Eminem that stuck shaving her pits.

Steve Doocy: Mike, okay, we’re gonna have to end it there.

Mike Lindell: That’s probably for the best. I have to say there’s whole Dominion thing has been a nightmare for me and my family, especially my wife. [pulls out a pillow] Sorry, Philomena, you know, it’s true.

Steve Doocy: All right. Okay. Well, let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll talk more about the Alex Murdoch’s sentencing with our Fox Crime expert, OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: What? Man, I don’t know why everybody thinks I’m an expert on this. Shoot. Booking me on the show without telling me why. Makes me so mad. I could just- No, I’m okay. Hey, man, live from New York. It’s Saturday night. You know what I’m saying?

Fox & Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Mikey Day

Brian Kilmeade… Bowen Yang

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Kari Lake… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set]

Steve Doocy: Good morning. Welcome to Fox and Friends. I’m Steve Doocy here with the lovely Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt.

Ainsley Earhardt: Hey, everybody, happy early Thanksgiving and Wakanda forever.

Brian Kilmeade: I don’t think we’re allowed to say that.

Ainsley Earhardt: Everybody chill.

Steve Doocy: Well, what a terrible week for the GOP. The Dems are retaining control of the Senate. So what the heck happened to that red wave that people were talking about?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, who was promising that because couldn’t have been us every day?

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, thankfully, there’s no way to check, but it definitely didn’t happen. And according to everybody, only one man was to blame. Look at these headlines, Trumpty Dumpty and Trumpster Fire. Ouch.

Steve Doocy: And look at this op ed. Mr. DeSantis. Will you be my new daddy?

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, who wrote that?

Steve Doocy: Eric Trump.

Ainsley Earhardt: Wow, seems like everybody’s turning on Trump.

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. And per company wide email we’ve got this morning, he’s dead to us.

Steve Doocy: Now, nearly every candidate Trump backed lost this week, except for one who’s still hanging on by a thread. And she’s here with us today. Please welcome Kari Lake.

Kari Lake: Hello there. Hi. And greetings from Arizona where the average age and temperature is 95.

Brian Kilmeade: Hi, Carrie, and thanks for being here during what’s what must be a very stressful time for your campaign.

Kari Lake: Hey, my campaign isn’t dead yet. Even though my camera filter makes it look like I’m in heaven.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, Kari, it seemed like this was a race you’d easily when you have it’s been a real nail biter. You and your opponent are currently neck and neck.

Kari Lake: That is because the Maricopa county officials are incompetent. And it’s my belief that the election is rigged and the results should be thrown out.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, it sounds like some new numbers are coming in which has you taking a narrow lead over Katie Hobbs.

Kari Lake: Chich is why I have always said this is a democracy. Trust the system. Trust the voters.

Brian Kilmeade: Sorry, I spoke too soon, another batch of votes just came in and you are now losing again.

Kari Lake: Because our system is broken. And it always has been.

Brian Kilmeade: Well, I’m sorry, I misread that. You’re actually back in the lead.

Kari Lake: But thankfully now it’s fixed. Look, I am 100% confident I’m going to win this election. And I won’t stop fighting until every vote is counted and then some votes are taken away. Because who the Arizonans want leading them? Katie Hobbs who’s hiding in a basement or me, Kari Lake who lives right here in this beautiful pool of Vaseline and who’s out there every single day at CVS asking black customers if they work here.

Steve Doocy: Well, we are rooting for you, Kari. We know the votes will go your way.

Kari Lake: Well, if they don’t, I’ll burn Arizona to the ground.

Steve Doocy: Wow. Well, she was nice.

Ainsley Earhardt: I hope the Trump effect doesn’t mess with her campaign.

Brian Kilmeade: You think he still watches our show?

Steve Doocy: Well, he’s at his daughter’s wedding this weekend. So at least we know he won’t call in.

[phone ringing]

Donald Trump: Hello, it’s your favorite president.

Brian Kilmeade: New phone, who this?

Ainsley Earhardt: He’s just kidding. Hi, Donald. Congratulations on Tiffany’s wedding.

Donald Trump: Who? Oh, oh, yeah. It’s okay. They’re just doing the vows.

Steve Doocy: Great. Well, we were just talking about you. There was that New York Post headline that culture Trumpty Dumpty and said you had a great fall.

Donald Trump: Well, I agree. I had a great fall. I had a great summer as well. And you know, many people are saying I’ll have a great winter. But I’m having a great fall. Okay, the leaves are turning red. It’s a red wave in terms of tree and with regard to leaf.

Ainsley Earhardt: We heard that you’re blaming, that you’re blaming both Sean Hannity and Melania for advising you to endorse Dr. Oz.

Donald Trump: It’s true. It’s true. Let me tell you, it’s very hard being in a fight with your soulmate. And also Melania. Now, all anyone wants to talk about is Ronda sanctimonious. I’m surprised. I know that word too. But Ron out it’s so easy.

Brian Kilmeade: All right, you said DeSantis has the advantage of sunshine.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Everybody goes to Florida for the sunshine. But look, I made Ron DeSantis, okay? He was going to lose until went FBI agents to go and fix his election.

Brian Kilmeade: Wait, you just admitted to what?

Donald Trump: But he’s ungrateful and now he’s trying to steal my sunshine just like Len. And you know, Len, they were a one hit wonder. Okay? Kinda like OMC. And these election results are making us go how bizarre? How bizarre? How bizarre? We’re all hearing that all the time, right? How bizarre?

Ainsley Earhardt: Don’t you need to walk your daughter down the aisle?

Donald Trump: Missed it. Anyway what are you guys talking about? What are you guys talking about? You see Fabelmans?

Ainsley Earhardt: Mr. President, I don’t know how to tell you this but we’ve moved on. We can’t have you on the show anymore.

Donald Trump: What? What did I do? Was it the insurrection?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: The impeachment.

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Blackmailing Ukraine?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Charlottesville?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Didn’t make wall?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: the murder?

Brian Kilmeade: What?

Donald Trump: Kidding.

Steve Doocy: It’s because you lost. Mr. President, we just don’t see a future with you. But you know what? We can still be friends. Okay? So bye bye now.

Donald Trump: Wait, wait. I have a big announcement, November 15th. Don’t push me off. I have a big announcement and it’s not what you think. I’m running for president again.

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh god.

Steve Doocy: That was awkward. but we’re finally free. Change is on the horizon and I have a pretty good idea we won’t be hearing from him again. [phone vibrating] And he’s calling my phone.

Brian Kilmeade: And mine.

Kari Lake: [sitting between Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade in place of Ainsley Earhardt, with a ring light on her face.] Mine too.

Steve Doocy: Whoa! Kari? What are you doing here?

Kari Lake: You think if I lose, I’m just gonna go away? Not on your life. We’ll be back for more Kari and friends. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update New M&Ms Hong Kong Hamsters

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of m&m’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: m&ms announced that they’ve redesigned their iconic m&m characters after people requested that the brown m&m not look like a teacher who has sex with their students.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Prince Andrew and his ex girlfriend at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a new documentary, an ex girlfriend of Prince Andrew described Jeffrey Epstein and Julian Maxwell as Batman and Robin,. Come on, what does Batman and Robin have in common with a billionaire that grooms teenagers?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Gen Z icon Kyle Rittenhouse is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it. I don’t know. Careful Kyle, trying to get your memorabilia back is how they finally got OJ.

[Picture changes to Bono]

New interview, Bono reveals that he never liked the name U2, adding “I also kind of hate Ireland.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Actor John Voight recently released a video claiming that Abraham Lincoln spirit was guiding Donald Trump. Hopefully not to a theater.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Wheel Of Fortune logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Longtime director of Wheel of Fortune has died at the age of 92. Said Wheel of Fortune viewers, “Wow. So Young.”

[Picture changes to the logo of the new show “Rings of Power”]

Amazon announced that their new “Lord of the Rings” TV series will be called “Rings of Power”, though I’m personally more excited for the spin off “Gollum in Paris”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a map of Hong Kong and a rat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for COVID. they had to kill more than Michael Che000 of the pets. Okay, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class! [Picture changes to a group of children being shocked]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a guitar and a flag of Canada at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Canada stole an $8,000 guitar by hiding it in his pants. Police caught the man when he got an erection and it sounded like this. [rock guitar solo playing]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists have trained a goldfish to drive a car. They believe it’s the first step to eventually training women.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dwayne The Rock Johnson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dwayne Johnson said that a skull of a T-Rex seen behind him during a recent interview was a replica and not the real thing. Johnson also said it’s just a coincidence that his diet calls for 1000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Oldest person in US dies at 115” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The oldest living person in the United States died this week at the age of Colin JostColin Jost5. It’s a powerful reminder to always test your cocaine for fentanyl.

Tina Fey & Michael Che with a Special Christmas Weekend Update

Tina Fey

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Tina Fey and Michael Che on SNL stage]

Michael Che: Hey, what’s up? I’m Michael Che.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey

Michael Che: Okay, so this is the part of the show where we would normally do Update and Tina was gonna do update with me because Colin is not here tonight.

Tina Fey: It’s not what you think. He’s having worked on?

Michael Che: So, we thought we’d read these dumb jokes anyway, and just see if we can make these guys laugh.

[Tom Hanks, Paul Rudd and Kenan Thompson are only the audience they have]

Tina Fey: Yeah, you guys ready? Hanks, are you ready? May I call you Hanks?

Tom Hanks: I’d rather you did.

Tina Fey: Okay. And can we confirm that you have never heard these jokes before?

Tom Hanks: Not a one. Except the two you blew in the rehearse.

Michael Che: Alright. Perfect. Well, it’s Christmas. So, let’s start with some good news, Tina. O.J. Simpson has been released from parole two months early because of good behavior. Said O.J., “I can’t believe I got out of parole early but I did it. I did it.”

Tina Fey: Time Magazine has named Elon Musk person of the year. You can read more about it on your phone while your Tesla is self driving you into a lake.

Michael Che: It was revealed that on January 6, three Fox News hosts all texted Mark Meadows to urge him to get Trump to call off his supporters. And you know you’ve gone too far when Fox News is like, “Somebody better calm these white people down.”

Tina Fey: This week marks the one year anniversary of the first person in the US to get the COVID vaccine and all I had to do was lying about being a nurse. I blew it again!

Michael Che: Mayor elect Eric Adams has selected New York City’s first ever female police commissioner, which means policing is about to get a lot more passive aggressive. There’s more. You wanna hear the other part? Instead of stop and frisk, they’re gonna go through your phone while you’re in the shower.

Tina Fey: German police have broken up a plot by anti vaxxers to kill a local official over vaccine mandates. It’s a classic conflict between Germany’s two favorite things, violence and rules. Hanks likes that one. Because it’s about Germans.

Michael Che: A judge in Louisiana took a leave of absence after she was caught on video using the N word, which is the kind of story that makes me wonder why are me and Kenan the only cast members here?

Tina Fey: One of the creators of the original Nintendo Entertainment System has died at the age of 78 after doctors made multiple attempts to blow on him and stick him back in.

Michael Che: Texas police arrested a woman after she tried to hide inside of a refrigerator. So, congratulations to the fat cop who decided to check out the fridge during the raid.

Tina Fey: NASA announced that for the first time in history a spacecraft has touched the sun by flying through its upper atmosphere, NASA was finally able to complete the impossible mission by going at night.

Michael Che: That’s smart.

Tina Fey: It’s a thinker.

Michael Che: After 37 players in the NFL tested positive in one day, the league is mandating booster shots for coaches and some team personnel. And hopefully the Jets booster shots will come with a little bit of steroids.

Tina Fey: The FDA said it will permanently allow people to get abortion pills through the mail which means your pill should arrive just in time for your child’s first birthday.

Michael Che: Oh you’ll like this one, Hanks. Dozens of camels were disqualified from Saudi Arabia’s annual camel beauty contest because they got botox and facelifts to make them more attractive. But hey man, we ain’t looking at their faces. Am I right? [Tom Hanks is laughing hard] Look at his face!

Tom Hanks: You’re killing me.

Tina Fey: The Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer hours after being accused of kicking a player. Worse the player was somehow returned for a touchdown.

Michael Che: Bakers in Massachusetts have created the world’s largest pot brownie weighing 850 pounds. They came up with the idea after eating the world’s second largest pot brownie.

Tina Fey: A Florida man was kicked off a plane for wearing women’s underwear as a facemask because federal law requires you to at least put in a maxi pad. That one stays.

Michael Che: It was reported that Bruce Springsteen sold the rights for his music catalog for more than $500 million. So, hopefully he finally has money to move out of New Jersey.

Tina Fey: An ethics panel has ordered Andrew Cuomo to return the $5 million in profits he earned from the book he wrote about the pandemic. Said Cuomo “Okay, but you got to reach down in my pocket and take it out yourself sweetheart.” For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight. Merry Christmas.

 

Simu & Bowen

Simu Liu

Bowen Yang

Andrew Dismukes

Sarah Sherman

[Bowen is just reading a book in his room. Simu comes in.]

Simu: Knock, knock.

Bowen: Simu, what’s up? My fellow, yellow, hello.

Simu: What?

Bowen: Nothing. I’m just nervous I think. I mean, this has never happened before. Right? Asian male host. Asian male cast member.

Simu: I know. It’s like we’re the Spider Man meme.

Bowen: Except you have abs and I have ibs.

Simu: Ibs?

Bowen: IBS. Anyway, Congrats, man. I Mean, the first Asian Marvel lead. That’s huge.

Simu: Oh, thank you. I almost can’t wrap my head around it. I mean, you get it, right? Like, first fully Asian cast member on SNL? It’s amazing.

Bowen: Oh, yeah, thanks. I just think it’s weird that people keep track of this stuff, though.

Simu: Oh, yeah, totally. I mean, [showing a big medal] I just got this first Asian man who moved from Canada to America named SEMA.

Bowen: I have one that says Bowen.

Simu: No way. Yeah, I always just forget to take my hat off.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hey, Bowen. I have an award for you. You are the first gay Asian cast member to mispronounce boutique.

Bowen: Is it not Bu-ti-kwa?

Andrew: No. Congrats.

Simu: Wow, Bowen, that’s so historic.

Andrew: And Simu, you were just named the first Asian man to deadpan on Splash Mountain.

Bowen: Wow, congratulations.

Simu: Thanks.

Bowen:  But seriously, Sang Chi was so good.

Simu: Thank you. Yeah, I guess they’re saying I’m the first Asian man to blow up a dragon from the inside. [showing a championship belt like of wrestling.]

Bowen: I got the same one too. But it means something else.

Simu: Anyway, don’t you think these titles are kind of ridiculous?

Bowen: Totally. Like the state of Michigan gave me the “good job parentheses Asian award”. I do not care!

[Cut to Bowen giving his award speech happy and excited]

Bowen at award ceremony: To every Asian on the planet. I did this for you.

Simu: I know. First Asian man to beat StarCraft II. I didn’t even go to the ceremony.

[Cut to Simu giving his award speech happy and excited]

Simu at award ceremony: Whoo! There’s no way this is true. But thank you so much.

[Sarah walks in with a flower bouquet.]

Sarah: Hey. Mr. Asian Panera. These are for you. [passing the flowers to Simu]

Simu: Oh, my god. For me?

Bowen: What is Mr. Asian Panera?

Simu: Oh, I guess I was the first Asian that you pick to a Panera or something.

[Cut to Simu when he was picked.]

Simu at the time: Yes! I did it! I did it!

Bowen: You know, it’s almost embarrassing. Like, I didn’t even tell anyone about being one of people’s sexiest man alive.

[Cut to Bowen calling his mom]

Bowen sobbing: Mom, I’m hot.

Simu: Weren’t you the first openly bottom guy on that list.

Bowen: I’m not open about that. Who told you that?

Simu: Sorry, I just guessed.

Bowen: Oh, nice. Good job.

[Sarah walks in again]

Sarah: Hey, I have another award for first Asian man to do a share impression on NBC. But it doesn’t say who it’s for.

[Bowen and Simu start doing the impression]

Sarah: Simu wins.

Simu: Yes!

Bowen: Congratulations. Just remember Simu, whatever first thing you do, I’ll always be gay.

Weekend Update- Steve Bannon Held in Contempt & Trump Social Media

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Halloween pumpkin at left top corner.]

Well, this is our Halloween episode, guys. So, I wanted to start by showing you the most haunting image I saw this week. [picture changes to Kanye wearing white mask] No. Not that actually. That’s just Kanye. Sorry, Ye. He goes by Ye now. Even though no one looks at this and goes, “Yay.” Haunting image I was thinking about was actually this one. [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] Yeah. That’s my guy. Because this week former White House I wanna say garbage man Steve Bannon was held in contempt of congress. But this is what Bannon wants. It plays into his whole persecuted messiah complex. So, Bannon is similar to Jesus in that he looks like he’s been dead for three days.

[picture changes to Facebook logo]

After weeks of intense media scrutiny, Facebook is reportedly planning to change the company name. So, if you wanna know how Facebook is handling the pressure, the answer is exactly as well as Kanye. [Picture changes to news article that says “Kanye changes his name”.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kirsten Sinema at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Kirsten Sinema who hates the attention says she is imposed to raise in taxes on the wealthy to pay for president Biden’s agenda. Finally, someone speaking up for billionaires. Because it’s so hard to hear from Space. [Picture changes to Jeff Bezos and Elon Must at space]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump announced the launch of his own social media network he’s calling True Social, but most people know it by its original name ‘The National Sex Offender Registry’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The FDA authorized the mixing and matching of booster shots and vaccines. As we enter the ‘just winging it’ phase of the pandemic. Seriously, when it comes to medication, when has a doctor ever said, “Just mix and match! It’s all good. Taste the rainbow.” Who’s the head of the FDA now? Lil’ Wayne?

Pfizer also reported Friday that its covid vaccine for children is 90% effective. Meanwhile Johnson&Johnson reported that their covid vaccine for children is just CapriSun.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At his CNN Town Hall, President Biden discussed the importance of addressing mental health saying “A broken spirit is no different than a broken arm.” Well, if I kept betting on Giants, I’ma have both.

[cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also at the Town Hall, President Biden admitted that he has not yet had time to visit the southern border. So, his approval rating has.

Insiders are also saying that during meetings, President Biden repeatedly uses the F word in conversation. More concerning, the F word he keeps using is forget.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The head of Chicago’s police union is urging officers to defy the city’s vaccine mandate which is weird because usually Chicago police can’t wait to take the shot.

[Picture changes to Walmart logo]

Walmart announced that members of its Walmart+ subscription service will be able to take advantage of Black Friday sales four hours early. Experts believe it could be the most violent gathering of Walmart shoppers since January 6. [Picture changes to Capitol riot]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of band Smash mouth logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A video is posted of a recent Smash Mouth concert in which– I know, recent. A recent Smash Mouth concert in which the lead singer is seen slurring his words doing a Nazi salute and threatening to kill an audience member. And it gets worse. He then started singing.

[Picture changes to Sex, love & goop logo]

In the latest episode of Gwyneth Paltrow’s show ‘Sex, love & goop’, a sexologist explained how people can experience full body orgasm while fully clothed without touching. Which is also what happens when your mom watches Bridgerton.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of StarWars logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The StarWars themed house has been listed for sale in Florida. But in Florida, StarWars theme just means it was owned by siblings who kissed.

[Picture changes to Thomas Jefferson statue]

After trying for several years, the New York city commission voted to remove a statue of Thomas Jefferson from city hall. They were finally able to remove it by telling the statue there was a hot black lady outside.

Weekend Update- Disney+ Overtaking Netflix & New Superman Is Bi

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a pictures of Disney+ and Netflix logos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts say that by 2026, Disney+ will surpass Netflix to become the top streaming platform in the world. “Not so fast”, said Pornhub.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Superman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: DC comics announced that the new Superman will be bisexual. Yes, they also announced that the Riddler has always been down for whatever.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a ranch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A California ranch once owned by Ronald Raegan is being threatened by a large wildfire. Crews are hoping to put out the blaze by pouring water onto a nearby hill and hoping it trickles down. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Taylor Swift and Adele at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: An economics joke. Music commentators are noting that upcoming releases from Taylor Swift and Adele signal a shift in the industry from hot girls summer to sad girl autumn. Yes, which is followed as always by messy diva Christmas. [Picture changes to Mariah Carey]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Israel map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Archaeologists in Israel have discovered a 1500 year old winery. Wow. It’s crazy that Jewish people have been making wine for that long and they still haven’t gotten any good at it. [Picture changes to Manischewitz wine]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a band at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Rolling Stones announced they will no longer play the 1971 song brown sugar which is about having sex with a slave. Something I wish I had realized before I chose it at Karaoke.

[Picture changes to Waymo taxis]

Officials with Waymo, a self driving taxi service say that after a year, robo taxis still have trouble with left turns and puddles. Which explains Waymo’s slogan “Let’s get in Way Mo’ accidents”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Woman gives birth to 14 pound baby” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in Arizona gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy. So now, Arizona has two grand canyons. It’s a math jokes. I’m surprised you didn’t get it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mansion and Playboy logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. One of Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriends revealed that the Playboy mansion is haunted. She knew it was haunted because if you turn on a black light, you see ectoplasm everywhere.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a python at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman was shocked when she discovered a four foot long python in her toilet. But ey, that’s Indian food for you.

Weekend Update- Tom Cruise Returns Golden Globes & Ohio State Massage Therapist

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Tom Cruise at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that Tom Cruise protested the lack of diversity at the Hollywood Foreign Press by returning his three Golden Globe statues, which was tough for him because they were sitting in pretty high shelves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Jeff Bezos has begun building a new $500 million yacht. In response, Elon Musk has begun building a $600 million iceberg.

[Picture changes to Subway]

New York city has begun offering vaccine outside of Subway stations, but I think they could have picked a better slogan than “Get shot on the subway”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Uncle Ben’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Uncle Ben’s rice which has been criticized for perpetuating racial stereotype has officially changed it’s name to Ben’s Original. Now, I’m no expert but I don’t think the problem was that he was an uncle.

[Picture changes to Lynyrd Skynyrd band logo]

Police in Florida are searching for a man who stole more than $ 12,000 worth of Lynyrd Skynyrd memorabilia. $12,000 worth? So, all of it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chicago city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Chicago officials announced that they were releasing more than Colin Jost,000 feral cats into the city to help combat it’s growing rat problem. Or as the Chicago health commissioner explained it, “Da cats combat da rats and dat’s dat!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of guns at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I’m stunned. Navy officials boarded a ship in the Arabian sea and discovered weapons stash so large that it covered the deck of the US missile ship. Fortunately, the weapons are being returned to the US where they can safely be sold to the mentally disturbed.

[Picture changes to a squirrel and a pigeon.]

A group of researchers are trying to determine why humans have a desire to feed other animals so much as birds and squirrels, but if I had to guess, it’s probably because their wife passed away. [Picture changes to an old man sitting alone at the park feeding the pigeons] I don’t know why I thought that would make you laugh.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s Ohio State University logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Ohio State University reported that a massage therapist had sex with at least five of their football players. This story was first reported in a pitch to high school recruits.

Weekend Update- The Bidens and Carters Take a Picture & the Most Instagrammable Bird

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Jimmy Carter and his wife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a photo taken of president Biden visiting with Jimmy Carter and his wife has gone viral for an odd angle that makes Biden look like a giant next to the former president. Even weirder, when you zoom out, they’re all being held by Giuliani. [When zoomed out, they all are inside a crystal ball that Giuliani is holding.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of South Carolina map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: South Carolina lawmakers voted to add firing squad to its execution method. And I think it’s nice that people will finally get chance to be shot after they’re found guilty.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

Pennsylvania police arrested a couple after they raided their home and discovered $1 million worth of meth. For reference, this is what $1fif million worth of meth looks like. [Picture changes to people rioting at the Capitol]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grass at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police say that a woman who went missing nearly six months ago was found in a tent in a forest in Utah living off grass and moss. Authorities believe the woman either had mental health issues or read an article on “Goop”.

[Picture changes to an article on Goop that says “Why you should try the all grass and moss diet”.]

[Picture changes to Disney Land]

Disney Land Snow White ride is being criticized because prince charming kisses Snow White without he consent while she was asleep. Which still isn’t as bad as Universal Studio’s new “Cosby the Ride”.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

A professional golfer in Florida was arrested after he tried to meet a 15 year old girl he met online who turned out to be a detective. Said the golfer, “Mulligan”? Sadly there’s more. For those of you wondering, in golf terms a 15 year old is 3 under par.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New Jersey woman has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s claiming that a burger wrapper she was given was smeared with excrement. In fairness, she ordered the number two.

[Picture changes to Los Angeles city]

The population of Los Angeles has fallen for the third straight year. Well, it’s like Colin always says, “LA is just not the same without Harvey.”

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of a bird at right top corner.]

You alway say it.

Colin Jost: Thanks. It’s cool. Researchers have determined that the most Instagrammable bird is an Australian species called ‘Tawny Frogmouth’. Well, the least Instagrammable bird is once again, Larry.

Weekend Update- New Dick’s Sporting Goods Store & Taylor Swift Re-Records Album

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Dick’s Sporting Goods logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dick’s Sporting Goods is opening a new experiential store with a rock climbing wall, sports fields and indoor wellness space. Unfortunately, they’re calling it “Hands-on Dick’s”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Taylor Swift has released an album of re-recorded versions of her album ‘Fearless’ which she first made when she was 18. Wow, that’s impressive because if I released a number of things I wrote when I was 18, I would be fired immediately.

[Picture changes to Tyler Perry]

Tyler Perry is developing a new TV series that explores the origin of his character Media, weirdly as part of his new superhero franchise, “The Averngers”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a house at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The house where Lizzie Borden murdered her parents has been sold for $Michael Che million and will be turned into a bed and breakfast. Though, a bread and breakfast where a murder happened is pretty much just Days Inn.

[Picture changes to a bird feeder and a bird.]

The CDC is warning about a salmonella outbreak that’s linked to bird feeders. Yet another piece of bad news for people who eat out of bird feeders.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Will.I.Am at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Singer Will.I.Am announced that he is developing a new face mask that will come with an air filter, bluetooth and noise cancelling earbuds. Or, hear me out, just get the vaccine, man. I like Will.I.Am, but if you don’t make another hit soon, you gonna be Will.I.Was.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Captain Underpants at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The publishers of the Captain Underpants books have cancelled the spinoffs of the popular series saying it promoted “passive racism”, which is not what I expected a guy called ‘Captain Underpants’ to get cancelled for.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starbucks has launched a new eco friendly program called ‘borrow a cup’ in which customers return their cup after finishing their drink so the store can use it again. And Dunkin’ donuts plans to compete with this promotion by not doing that.

[The picture changes to a map of Texas and handcuffs.]

Texas police arrested a woman who broke into a man’s house, stripped naked and in one of his beds. The man called the police when he realized the woman was not attractive.