[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Halloween pumpkin at left top corner.]
Well, this is our Halloween episode, guys. So, I wanted to start by showing you the most haunting image I saw this week. [picture changes to Kanye wearing white mask] No. Not that actually. That’s just Kanye. Sorry, Ye. He goes by Ye now. Even though no one looks at this and goes, “Yay.” Haunting image I was thinking about was actually this one. [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] Yeah. That’s my guy. Because this week former White House I wanna say garbage man Steve Bannon was held in contempt of congress. But this is what Bannon wants. It plays into his whole persecuted messiah complex. So, Bannon is similar to Jesus in that he looks like he’s been dead for three days.
[picture changes to Facebook logo]
After weeks of intense media scrutiny, Facebook is reportedly planning to change the company name. So, if you wanna know how Facebook is handling the pressure, the answer is exactly as well as Kanye. [Picture changes to news article that says “Kanye changes his name”.]
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kirsten Sinema at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Senator Kirsten Sinema who hates the attention says she is imposed to raise in taxes on the wealthy to pay for president Biden’s agenda. Finally, someone speaking up for billionaires. Because it’s so hard to hear from Space. [Picture changes to Jeff Bezos and Elon Must at space]
[Picture changes to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump announced the launch of his own social media network he’s calling True Social, but most people know it by its original name ‘The National Sex Offender Registry’.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a vaccine at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The FDA authorized the mixing and matching of booster shots and vaccines. As we enter the ‘just winging it’ phase of the pandemic. Seriously, when it comes to medication, when has a doctor ever said, “Just mix and match! It’s all good. Taste the rainbow.” Who’s the head of the FDA now? Lil’ Wayne?
Pfizer also reported Friday that its covid vaccine for children is 90% effective. Meanwhile Johnson&Johnson reported that their covid vaccine for children is just CapriSun.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]
Michael Che: At his CNN Town Hall, President Biden discussed the importance of addressing mental health saying “A broken spirit is no different than a broken arm.” Well, if I kept betting on Giants, I’ma have both.
[cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Also at the Town Hall, President Biden admitted that he has not yet had time to visit the southern border. So, his approval rating has.
Insiders are also saying that during meetings, President Biden repeatedly uses the F word in conversation. More concerning, the F word he keeps using is forget.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The head of Chicago’s police union is urging officers to defy the city’s vaccine mandate which is weird because usually Chicago police can’t wait to take the shot.
[Picture changes to Walmart logo]
Walmart announced that members of its Walmart+ subscription service will be able to take advantage of Black Friday sales four hours early. Experts believe it could be the most violent gathering of Walmart shoppers since January 6. [Picture changes to Capitol riot]
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of band Smash mouth logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A video is posted of a recent Smash Mouth concert in which– I know, recent. A recent Smash Mouth concert in which the lead singer is seen slurring his words doing a Nazi salute and threatening to kill an audience member. And it gets worse. He then started singing.
[Picture changes to Sex, love & goop logo]
In the latest episode of Gwyneth Paltrow’s show ‘Sex, love & goop’, a sexologist explained how people can experience full body orgasm while fully clothed without touching. Which is also what happens when your mom watches Bridgerton.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of StarWars logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The StarWars themed house has been listed for sale in Florida. But in Florida, StarWars theme just means it was owned by siblings who kissed.
[Picture changes to Thomas Jefferson statue]
After trying for several years, the New York city commission voted to remove a statue of Thomas Jefferson from city hall. They were finally able to remove it by telling the statue there was a hot black lady outside.