Dan Bulldozer… Kyle Mooney[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: Recent study showed that social media is making young people unhappy and insecure about their own lives. Here to comment is lifestyle influencer Dan Bulldozer.[Dan Bulldozer slides in]
Dan Bulldozer: Great, man, what’s going on? Y’all gotta legit set up.
Michael Che: Thanks. Yeah. So, Dan, you’re super rich and you just show off your crazy life on Instagram, right?
Dan Bulldozer: Something like that. Yeah. So I basically wanted life, straight up. Just like parties on the yacht, vapes everywhere, snowboarding with like, a bazooka. My life is insane.
Michael Che: Yeah, that’s cool, man.
Dan Bulldozer: Che, asked me how many girls I’m dating right now.
Michael Che: How many girls are you dating?
Dan Bulldozer: 940?
Michael Che: Okay, cool, man.
Dan Bulldozer: It is cool. I agree. So yeah, I’m dating the 900 girls. I got the new book, which like, why is writing so easy? You just have to type it out.
Michael Che: You’re writing a book?
Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, man. It’s kind of like Hemmingway, but for guys. That’s me writing about my struggles with shirts.
Michael Che: So it’s like a memoir.
Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, it’s the moving story of me stacking cash, blowing clouds and changing the world through positivity. It’s called Ass Book.
Michael Che: Wow, that’s good for you. And I gotta ask, despite all the success, how do you stay so down to earth?
Dan Bulldozer: Let me put it this way. Do you know the ancient story of the farmer and the crow?
Michael Che: No, I don’t think I do.
Dan Bulldozer: Ah! So it’s like, farmer has three dogs. He’s a very wise farmer. First dog goes to the farmer and says “I saw a crow.” Farmer says “Maybe.” Second dog goes the farmer says, “Dad. I saw a crow.” Daddy says, “Maybe.” Then the crow goes to like an old maid or just like a cobbler. And then the first girl– I’m trying to remember.
Michael Che: Hey, are you alright, Dan?
Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, yeah, just the point of the story is like, everything is just insane!
Michael Che: Okay, that’s it?
Dan Bulldozer: I think so.
Michael Che: Hey, man. Are you happy?
Dan Bulldozer: No, no.
Michael Che: Dan Bulldozer, everybody.
Dan Bulldozer: My life is crazy.
Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.