Weekend Update Bidens Agenda Stalls

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, just like everybody else, President Biden’s New Year’s resolutions fell apart in the third week of January. The Supreme Court struck down his vaccine mandate, the Voting Rights bill got blocked and his approval rating is so low, it’s gone into power save mode. But I will point out there was another president who had a disastrous start to his first term. Yet he became an inspiration to generations of Republicans even to this day. I’m talking of course about Jefferson Davis. President of the Confederacy. And there are still statues of him and 10 different states, which come to think of it probably explains why the Voting Rights stuff isn’t working out. The bottom line is I think Biden just needs more time. He might be more of an acquired taste. Unfortunately, most Americans recently lost their sense of taste. [picture changes to covid rate chart] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden gave a speech in Atlanta where he called on the Senate to pass two voting rights bill saying, “I am tired of being quiet.” And the prove it, he took a 20 minutes standing nap.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Minority Leader Mitch McConnell seen here losing the battle with his breakfast burrito, criticized President Biden speech on voting rights calling it beneath his office. Coincidentally, beneath his office it’s also where McConnell buries the homeless men he hunts for sport.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of republican elephant logo at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Fun fact. Republicans are being criticized for blocking the Voting Rights bill but of course Republicans don’t want voting rights because if voting was fair, they’d lose. It’s the same reason I keep my basketball hoop lowered to eight feet. Because with the help of a small ladder, I can dunk. But if there’s any silver lining to voter suppression, it’s that we’ll never have to hear Republicans try to appeal to black voters. Because no one wants to hear Ted Cruz say “Fo Shizzel”. Frankly, no one wants to hear me say it either. But it’s too late. It’s already a GIF.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stewart Rose at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Leader of the Oathkeepers Stewart Rhodes has been arrested and charged with seditious conspiracy in connection with the January 6 attack. But I don’t know. He looks pretty remorseful. Hopefully he can patch things up. That wasn’t an eye joke. I was being genuine. Rhodes is being accused of messaging his right wing group with instructions on how to use force to attack the Capitol. Authorities knew that messages were from Rhodes because they all began with [like pirates] “Arr Mete”. That’s not what that was. That wasn’t an eye joke at all.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Anthony Fauci and Roger Marshall at left top corner.

Colin Jost: It wasn’t an eye joke.

Michael Che: No, it wasn’t an eye joke.

Colin Jost: During a Senate committee hearing, Dr. Anthony Fauci was heard on a hot mic calling Senator Roger Marshall a moron. Replied Marshall, “Hey, what’s that word mean?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis said this week that getting vaccinated against COVID is a moral obligation. Especially since priests work so closely with kids. That wasn’t an eye joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an airplane at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Delta Airlines said that this winter’s COVID surge cost them more than $400 million in canceled flights after 8000 employees caught Coronavirus. Which would never happen to Spirit Airlines employees because when you fly Spirit, they keep the windows open.

Weekend Update- Biden’s Climate Plan Dropped from Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Joe Manchin at left top corner.]

The Biden Administration’s climate plan is likely to be dropped from the budget bill after senator Joe Manchin refused to support it. But you know what? I’m not going to let some bad climate news ruin this beautiful 80 degree October day. Manchin who is from West Virginia said he would only agree to Biden’s bill if it cuts clean energy and officially makes coal one of the five food groups.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that president Biden is on average 22 minutes late for public events. Worse, he only does it to appeal black voters.

[Picture changes to Kyrie Irving]

The Brooklyn Nets have benched star player Kyrie Irving from the team until he’s finally vaccinated and as a New York sports fan, I hope this decision finally forces Kyrie to do the right thing and buy a fake vaccination card.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of world map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Logistical delays caused by worker shortages and covid outrages have doubled the time it takes for some products to get from Asia to the US. Now, this might sound crazy, but could we use bats? Because last time bats carried something, it got everywhere real quick. Pro-bat crowd?

[Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg]

Transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg is criticized for remaining on paternity leave with his husband and twin babies while supply chain problems threatened the holiday shopping season. Said conservatives, “See, you let gay couples have kids and god cancels Christmas.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study shows that coronavirus can cause infertility in men. See, so it’s not all bad.

[Picture changes to a woman carrying American flag.]

At a republican rally in Virginia, attendees resided the national anthem to a flag allegedly used during the Capitol riots. You could tell the flag was from the riots because it was soaked in pepper spray and mountain dew code reck.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jon Gruden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Raider’s head coach Jon Gruden resigned after the discovery of homophobic, misogynist and racist emails he sent and clearly the emails are indefensible but does anyone want to be judged by their old emails? I mean, if you could see half the emails Che sends me. Actually, I’ll show you one. The subject line is “LISTEN UP HONKY”. And then the body of the email just says “I wish they got you instead of Harambe.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Colin Kaepernick at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So, you did get that one. Colin Kaepernick revealed that he has maintained his 5 AM training regimen in case he gets called back up to the NFL. But the Giants are still going to stick with their current quarterback, a scarecrow on a rumba.

Weekend Update- The Bidens and Carters Take a Picture & the Most Instagrammable Bird

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Jimmy Carter and his wife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a photo taken of president Biden visiting with Jimmy Carter and his wife has gone viral for an odd angle that makes Biden look like a giant next to the former president. Even weirder, when you zoom out, they’re all being held by Giuliani. [When zoomed out, they all are inside a crystal ball that Giuliani is holding.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of South Carolina map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: South Carolina lawmakers voted to add firing squad to its execution method. And I think it’s nice that people will finally get chance to be shot after they’re found guilty.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

Pennsylvania police arrested a couple after they raided their home and discovered $1 million worth of meth. For reference, this is what $1fif million worth of meth looks like. [Picture changes to people rioting at the Capitol] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grass at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police say that a woman who went missing nearly six months ago was found in a tent in a forest in Utah living off grass and moss. Authorities believe the woman either had mental health issues or read an article on “Goop”.

[Picture changes to an article on Goop that says “Why you should try the all grass and moss diet”.] [Picture changes to Disney Land]

Disney Land Snow White ride is being criticized because prince charming kisses Snow White without he consent while she was asleep. Which still isn’t as bad as Universal Studio’s new “Cosby the Ride”.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

A professional golfer in Florida was arrested after he tried to meet a 15 year old girl he met online who turned out to be a detective. Said the golfer, “Mulligan”? Sadly there’s more. For those of you wondering, in golf terms a 15 year old is 3 under par.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New Jersey woman has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s claiming that a burger wrapper she was given was smeared with excrement. In fairness, she ordered the number two.

[Picture changes to Los Angeles city]

The population of Los Angeles has fallen for the third straight year. Well, it’s like Colin always says, “LA is just not the same without Harvey.”

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of a bird at right top corner.]

You alway say it.

Colin Jost: Thanks. It’s cool. Researchers have determined that the most Instagrammable bird is an Australian species called ‘Tawny Frogmouth’. Well, the least Instagrammable bird is once again, Larry.

Weekend Update House Passes Bidens Stimulus Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of capitol at left top corner.]

Well, just like me when I’m drunk, congress decided to spend a bunch of money in 2:30 in the morning. They passed a $1.9 trillion stimulus bill and republicans are calling it a liberal wishlist. But I don’t know. I think a liberal wishlist would be avocado toast with Chrissy Teigen, free college for pets, and a hiphop musical about Anderson Cooper starring Lin-Manuel Miranda. Senator Lindsay Graham said he’s very pleased that the bill will not include and increase to the minimum wage because over the years, Graham has actually grown to love the taste of fast food worker spit.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of John Thune at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator John Thune said he opposed $15 minimum wage because he used to get by on six bucks an hour as a young man. But that was like, 40 years ago when rent was like a dollar and everybody had one porno tape. See, this is why democrats never get stuff done. You keep leaving it to a vote and taking no for an answer. When republicans lose a vote, the storm the Capitol. Why can’t y’all get that mad? Say what you will about a guy in a viking helmet taking a dump in Nancy Pelosi’s desk, but he will not be ignored.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night, Donald Trump will give the keynote address at the conservative political action conference. For a preview of Trump’s speech, give your grandpa cocaine.

[picture changes to Ted Cruz]

Senator Ted Cruz who’s always the kill in F Mary Kill, he taped his half hour special at the CPAC this week. Here’s just a sample of his killer set.

[Cut to Ted Cruz’s special clip]

Ted Cruz: I gotta say, Orlando is awesome. It’s not as nice as Cancun.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. Stop. You don’t do that. No. You are not in on the joke. It is not for you to enjoy. Also, what grown man yells “Orlando is awesome”? If you hear a grown man yell “Orlando is awesome”, you should probably check his hard drive.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Biden administration is hoping to persuade more black people to get vaccinated by setting up vaccination sites in churches. And I’m sure Biden means well, but that is such an old white guy idea. You know the idea started with the words, “Hey, you know what those people love?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “First commercial to show lactating breasts”.]

Colin Jost: During the Golden Globes this Sunday, a new commercial will air that will be the first to ever show lactating breasts on television. Unfortunately, those breasts belong to the green M&M.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The FDA has authorized a vaccine from New Jersey based company Johnson&Johnson. Johnson&Johnson will now pair the vaccine with needles from New Jersey’s number one syringe supplier, the beach.