Tag: Bidens

Weekend Update- Tucker Carlson’s Texts About Trump, Biden’s Billionaire Tax

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set There are pictures of Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump.]

This weekend bitter rivals who have been desperately pandering for votes and trying to force their politics on America will finally face off in person. I’m of course talking about tomorrow’s Oscars. The Motion Picture Academy has rejected a request from Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy to make an appearance during the Oscars. But they promised that Volodymyr Zelenskyy will be how John Travolta pronounces Viola Davis.

Organizers of the Oscar said they changed the color of the arrival carpet from red to champagne, so the mood would be more mellow. But I don’t know. Switching from red to champagne usually turns me into a full on bitch.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden proposed his budget that would help fund Medicare with a 25% tax on billionaires. Hah! Take that, Rihanna. President Biden’s proposed budget included $400 million to counter Chinese disinformation. It will target the number one source of Chinese disinformation, fortune cookies.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tucker Carlson.]

Colin Jost: Tucker Carlson seen here laughing at a dog locked in a hot car, released security footage from the January 6 attacks with the violence edited out and said it proves it was a peaceful gathering. Which is like editing all the sex out of a porn video and saying it’s a short film about being a stepmom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump.]

Michael Che: New documents from the Dominion lawsuit revealed text from Tucker Carlson, in which he says he hates Donald Trump passionately and can’t wait until he’s able to ignore him. That must suck, to go on TV, put on a smile and make friends with some psychotic bigot just because it’s good for the show. Anyway, back to you Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of RuPaul.]

Colin Jost: I don’t get it. RuPaul harshly criticized lawmakers who support banning drag shows calling them stunt Queen politicians. And let me just say, hallelu girl. I gotta serve realness on this one. These dusty breeders are resting on ugly and I am gagging on it. I’m sorry, guys. Before the show, I switched from red to shampoo.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s are pictures of Joe Biden and TikTok logo.]

Michael Che: Oh boy. President Biden said that he supports a bill that would allow the government to ban TikTok. But only because Biden thinks TikTok is a gang member from his old neighborhood.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Walgreens logo.]

Colin Jost: After Walgreens announced that they will stop selling abortion pills in 25 states, CVS has remained silent on the issue. While over at Rite Aid, you can just grab a pill from the take-a-bortion leave-a-bortion tray.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of King Charles and Meghan Markel.]

Michael Che: It was reported that the organizers of King Charles’s coronation have officially invited Meghan Markel. And this is nice, at a starting salary of $19 an hour. I think it’s actually very generous guys.

Weekend Update- U.S. Shoots Down Chinese Spy Balloon, FBI Searches Biden’s Beach House

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a balloon.]

Earlier today, an American fighter jet shot down a suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been spotted crossing the United States officially ending history’s most complicated gender reveal party. And bad news for China, it’s a girl.

[picture changes to China’s map]

Chinese officials condemn the US decision to destroy the surveillance balloon saying it was a civilian aircraft. Okay, but even civilian aircraft can be extremely dangerous. [picture changes to Spirit airlines]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a book.]

Michael Che: The revised AP African American history class removed the names of several black authors that Florida officials called problematic. Instead, they’ve been replaced with authors they call “One of the good ones.”

[picture changes to George Santos]

Representative George Santos said that he is stepping aside from his committee assignments to prevent being a distraction. He added, “The last thing I want is attention,” then he sashayed away in a feather boa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

Colin Jost: It was also reported that George Santos lied to potential campaign donors that he was a producer of the Broadway musical “Spider Man Turn Off the Dark.” Though he did end up working with the Green Goblin. [picture changes to George Santos wearing green dress] Thank you.

[picture changes to Kevin McCarthy]

Speaker The House Kevin McCarthy seen here wanting to know if you or someone you love has been injured in a car accident, met in person with President Biden about the debt ceiling and said they had a good conversation. It went so well, Biden let him pick a couple of classified documents out of the bowl.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: The FBI searched President Biden’s Delaware beach house but found no classified documents. Also, the next time somebody tells you that Biden got billions from China, remember that his beach house is in Delaware.

[picture changes to Donald Trump]

It was announced that Donald Trump’s golf courses will host three live golf tournaments this year furthering Trump’s ties to Saudi Arabia. That relationship makes sense. I mean, Saudi Arabia needs venues for their golf tournaments and Trump needs oil for that big old dump truck. [picture changes to Donald Trump playing tennis]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of capitol building.]

Colin Jost: Senate voted to designate January ‘National stalking Awareness Month,’ which is a good reminder that we’re only a few weeks away from stalker’s Christmas. [picture changes to a Valentine’s Day card] To close to home.

[picture changes to a handgun]

Florida has proposed legislation that would allow residents to carry firearms without a permit. Also everyone gets to do one murder.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Michael Che: Newly released video of a deposition to New York’s Attorney General’s Office shows former President Trump taking the 5th hundreds of times. Also taking a 5th, his lawyer. [picture changes to Giuliani holding a bottle of liquor]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’ a picture of LVII Super Bowl logo.]

Colin Jost: For the first time ever, two brothers will be facing off against each other in the Super Bowl. Incidentally, two brothers in the Super Bowl is why my grandfather won’t be watching.

Michael Che: On February, man. Wow.

Weekend Update: Biden’s Classified Document Scandal, George Santos’ Lies

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

George Santos is facing multiple investigations for lying about nearly every aspect of his life, to make himself appear far more successful than he is, earning him the nickname Instagram. Of all of George Sanders’s lies, my favorite was that he was a standout volleyball player for Baruch College. Now, that is a fine thing to be, but an insane thing to pretend to be. Like that’s his fantasy? It’s like asking a kid what do they want to be when they grow up and they’re like, “I don’t know assistant manager at Kohl’s.”

[Picture changes to George Santos with two dogs.]

George Santos seen here with two people he listed as professional references, was described by fashion expert as being able to get away with his lies for so long because he was well dressed. This guy is well dressed? He looks like he’s trying to steal clothes by putting them on over what he wore into the store. And not to be a bitch, but can we talk about this look? I mean a blazer over a half zip? Girl not in my yacht party.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

Michael Che: A drag queen who claims she performed with George Santos said that George did not have the glamour to be a professional. But she said another drag queen and Congress is absolutely slaying as the character Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden.]

Earlier today, earlier today the FBI searched President Biden’s Delaware home and found six additional Obama era classified documents. Worse, one of them was Obama’s real birth certificate. It was hidden in a copy of blacktail magazine.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Joe Biden and Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: The Biden classified documents scandal and the Trump classified documents scandal are very different, but they do share one big thing in common. They both make Hillary Clinton want to blow her god damn brains out. It would have been so funny if they searched Biden’s garage and he had Hillary server.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis.]

Michael Che: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has proposed a new policy permanently banning mask mandates and vaccine requirements saying when the world lost its mind, Florida was a refuge of sanity. Then everyone in the crowd took a hit at nitrous and bitter cop.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump responded to reports that Ron DeSantis will run against him for the republican nomination saying “We’ll handle this the way I handle things.” So rough and without consent?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There.s a picture of US Capitol.]

Colin Jost: The US government hit its debt limit on Thursday and the country now risks defaulting on its bills. And look, we’ve all been there. You know? You spend too much because life’s too short and the bill comes due, the bank won’t loan your money anymore. Then you have no choice you have to buckle down, face the music and blow up your Staten Island Ferry for insurance money.

Weekend Update Bidens Agenda Stalls

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, just like everybody else, President Biden’s New Year’s resolutions fell apart in the third week of January. The Supreme Court struck down his vaccine mandate, the Voting Rights bill got blocked and his approval rating is so low, it’s gone into power save mode. But I will point out there was another president who had a disastrous start to his first term. Yet he became an inspiration to generations of Republicans even to this day. I’m talking of course about Jefferson Davis. President of the Confederacy. And there are still statues of him and 10 different states, which come to think of it probably explains why the Voting Rights stuff isn’t working out. The bottom line is I think Biden just needs more time. He might be more of an acquired taste. Unfortunately, most Americans recently lost their sense of taste. [picture changes to covid rate chart]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden gave a speech in Atlanta where he called on the Senate to pass two voting rights bill saying, “I am tired of being quiet.” And the prove it, he took a 20 minutes standing nap.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Minority Leader Mitch McConnell seen here losing the battle with his breakfast burrito, criticized President Biden speech on voting rights calling it beneath his office. Coincidentally, beneath his office it’s also where McConnell buries the homeless men he hunts for sport.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of republican elephant logo at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Fun fact. Republicans are being criticized for blocking the Voting Rights bill but of course Republicans don’t want voting rights because if voting was fair, they’d lose. It’s the same reason I keep my basketball hoop lowered to eight feet. Because with the help of a small ladder, I can dunk. But if there’s any silver lining to voter suppression, it’s that we’ll never have to hear Republicans try to appeal to black voters. Because no one wants to hear Ted Cruz say “Fo Shizzel”. Frankly, no one wants to hear me say it either. But it’s too late. It’s already a GIF.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stewart Rose at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Leader of the Oathkeepers Stewart Rhodes has been arrested and charged with seditious conspiracy in connection with the January 6 attack. But I don’t know. He looks pretty remorseful. Hopefully he can patch things up. That wasn’t an eye joke. I was being genuine. Rhodes is being accused of messaging his right wing group with instructions on how to use force to attack the Capitol. Authorities knew that messages were from Rhodes because they all began with [like pirates] “Arr Mete”. That’s not what that was. That wasn’t an eye joke at all.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Anthony Fauci and Roger Marshall at left top corner.

Colin Jost: It wasn’t an eye joke.

Michael Che: No, it wasn’t an eye joke.

Colin Jost: During a Senate committee hearing, Dr. Anthony Fauci was heard on a hot mic calling Senator Roger Marshall a moron. Replied Marshall, “Hey, what’s that word mean?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis said this week that getting vaccinated against COVID is a moral obligation. Especially since priests work so closely with kids. That wasn’t an eye joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an airplane at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Delta Airlines said that this winter’s COVID surge cost them more than $400 million in canceled flights after 8000 employees caught Coronavirus. Which would never happen to Spirit Airlines employees because when you fly Spirit, they keep the windows open.

Weekend Update- Biden’s Climate Plan Dropped from Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Joe Manchin at left top corner.]

The Biden Administration’s climate plan is likely to be dropped from the budget bill after senator Joe Manchin refused to support it. But you know what? I’m not going to let some bad climate news ruin this beautiful 80 degree October day. Manchin who is from West Virginia said he would only agree to Biden’s bill if it cuts clean energy and officially makes coal one of the five food groups.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that president Biden is on average 22 minutes late for public events. Worse, he only does it to appeal black voters.

[Picture changes to Kyrie Irving]

The Brooklyn Nets have benched star player Kyrie Irving from the team until he’s finally vaccinated and as a New York sports fan, I hope this decision finally forces Kyrie to do the right thing and buy a fake vaccination card.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of world map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Logistical delays caused by worker shortages and covid outrages have doubled the time it takes for some products to get from Asia to the US. Now, this might sound crazy, but could we use bats? Because last time bats carried something, it got everywhere real quick. Pro-bat crowd?

[Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg]

Transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg is criticized for remaining on paternity leave with his husband and twin babies while supply chain problems threatened the holiday shopping season. Said conservatives, “See, you let gay couples have kids and god cancels Christmas.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study shows that coronavirus can cause infertility in men. See, so it’s not all bad.

[Picture changes to a woman carrying American flag.]

At a republican rally in Virginia, attendees resided the national anthem to a flag allegedly used during the Capitol riots. You could tell the flag was from the riots because it was soaked in pepper spray and mountain dew code reck.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jon Gruden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Raider’s head coach Jon Gruden resigned after the discovery of homophobic, misogynist and racist emails he sent and clearly the emails are indefensible but does anyone want to be judged by their old emails? I mean, if you could see half the emails Che sends me. Actually, I’ll show you one. The subject line is “LISTEN UP HONKY”. And then the body of the email just says “I wish they got you instead of Harambe.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Colin Kaepernick at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So, you did get that one. Colin Kaepernick revealed that he has maintained his 5 AM training regimen in case he gets called back up to the NFL. But the Giants are still going to stick with their current quarterback, a scarecrow on a rumba.

Weekend Update- The Bidens and Carters Take a Picture & the Most Instagrammable Bird

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Jimmy Carter and his wife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a photo taken of president Biden visiting with Jimmy Carter and his wife has gone viral for an odd angle that makes Biden look like a giant next to the former president. Even weirder, when you zoom out, they’re all being held by Giuliani. [When zoomed out, they all are inside a crystal ball that Giuliani is holding.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of South Carolina map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: South Carolina lawmakers voted to add firing squad to its execution method. And I think it’s nice that people will finally get chance to be shot after they’re found guilty.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

Pennsylvania police arrested a couple after they raided their home and discovered $1 million worth of meth. For reference, this is what $1fif million worth of meth looks like. [Picture changes to people rioting at the Capitol]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grass at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police say that a woman who went missing nearly six months ago was found in a tent in a forest in Utah living off grass and moss. Authorities believe the woman either had mental health issues or read an article on “Goop”.

[Picture changes to an article on Goop that says “Why you should try the all grass and moss diet”.]

[Picture changes to Disney Land]

Disney Land Snow White ride is being criticized because prince charming kisses Snow White without he consent while she was asleep. Which still isn’t as bad as Universal Studio’s new “Cosby the Ride”.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

A professional golfer in Florida was arrested after he tried to meet a 15 year old girl he met online who turned out to be a detective. Said the golfer, “Mulligan”? Sadly there’s more. For those of you wondering, in golf terms a 15 year old is 3 under par.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New Jersey woman has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s claiming that a burger wrapper she was given was smeared with excrement. In fairness, she ordered the number two.

[Picture changes to Los Angeles city]

The population of Los Angeles has fallen for the third straight year. Well, it’s like Colin always says, “LA is just not the same without Harvey.”

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of a bird at right top corner.]

You alway say it.

Colin Jost: Thanks. It’s cool. Researchers have determined that the most Instagrammable bird is an Australian species called ‘Tawny Frogmouth’. Well, the least Instagrammable bird is once again, Larry.

Weekend Update House Passes Bidens Stimulus Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of capitol at left top corner.]

Well, just like me when I’m drunk, congress decided to spend a bunch of money in 2:30 in the morning. They passed a $1.9 trillion stimulus bill and republicans are calling it a liberal wishlist. But I don’t know. I think a liberal wishlist would be avocado toast with Chrissy Teigen, free college for pets, and a hiphop musical about Anderson Cooper starring Lin-Manuel Miranda. Senator Lindsay Graham said he’s very pleased that the bill will not include and increase to the minimum wage because over the years, Graham has actually grown to love the taste of fast food worker spit.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of John Thune at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator John Thune said he opposed $15 minimum wage because he used to get by on six bucks an hour as a young man. But that was like, 40 years ago when rent was like a dollar and everybody had one porno tape. See, this is why democrats never get stuff done. You keep leaving it to a vote and taking no for an answer. When republicans lose a vote, the storm the Capitol. Why can’t y’all get that mad? Say what you will about a guy in a viking helmet taking a dump in Nancy Pelosi’s desk, but he will not be ignored.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night, Donald Trump will give the keynote address at the conservative political action conference. For a preview of Trump’s speech, give your grandpa cocaine.

[picture changes to Ted Cruz]

Senator Ted Cruz who’s always the kill in F Mary Kill, he taped his half hour special at the CPAC this week. Here’s just a sample of his killer set.

[Cut to Ted Cruz’s special clip]

Ted Cruz: I gotta say, Orlando is awesome. It’s not as nice as Cancun.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. Stop. You don’t do that. No. You are not in on the joke. It is not for you to enjoy. Also, what grown man yells “Orlando is awesome”? If you hear a grown man yell “Orlando is awesome”, you should probably check his hard drive.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Biden administration is hoping to persuade more black people to get vaccinated by setting up vaccination sites in churches. And I’m sure Biden means well, but that is such an old white guy idea. You know the idea started with the words, “Hey, you know what those people love?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “First commercial to show lactating breasts”.]

Colin Jost: During the Golden Globes this Sunday, a new commercial will air that will be the first to ever show lactating breasts on television. Unfortunately, those breasts belong to the green M&M.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The FDA has authorized a vaccine from New Jersey based company Johnson&Johnson. Johnson&Johnson will now pair the vaccine with needles from New Jersey’s number one syringe supplier, the beach.