Tag: Santos

Weekend Update- Trump’s Facebook Reinstated, George Santos Admits to Dressing in Drag

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Facebook announced that it will reinstate former President Donald Trump’s account. But this time they’ll put guardrails in place to keep him under control. Which I think is the same thing they said every time they tried to reopen Jurassic Park.

Also, What even are guardrails on Facebook? And can they apply to my uncle? Because he’s posted some very disturbing fan fiction about the green m&m.

[picture changes to Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama]

In the wake of the classified documents scandal, representatives for Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama issued statements saying they all turned over all classified records before leaving office. While Jimmy Carter issued a statement saying, “Come and get em’, you bastards.” [picture changes to Jimmy Carter as Scarface.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Pence.]

Michael Che: Sassy Jimmy Carter. A lawyer from Mike Pence says that after they discovered classified documents in his home, Pence stands ready and willing to fully cooperate. Incidentally, “I stand ready and willing to fully cooperate” is also what pence says before sex.

[picture changes to Taylor Swift]

During the Senate hearings investigating, Live Nation and their monopoly on concert ticket sales fans of Taylor Swift protested outside the capitol. Oh, that’s sweet. And only two years after their dads were there. [picture changes to Capitol riot]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rick Scott.]

Colin Jost: Senator Rick Scott, seen here learning that Harry Potter is falling into his trap, announced that he is running for reelection promising to finish the border wall and name it after Donald Trump. Even though most things named after Donald Trump are complete failures. [picture changes to Donald Trump Jr.]

[picture changes to George Santos]

George Santos admitted that while living in Brazil, he did dress in drag but said he was not a drag queen. Okay, honey, we knew that from your contouring.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rhonda McDaniel]

Michael Che: Rhonda McDaniel was reelected as chair of the Republican National Committee and a closer than expected vote over challenges, Harmeet Dhillon, MyPillow CEO Mike Lynn Dell, Twitter use CAT_TURD_2, Kevin Sorbo Kyle Rittenhouse and of course, Colin Jost. Congratulations, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Google logo.]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Thank you. That election was rigged. Google announced that it is cutting 12,000 jobs, while Yahoo announced that it is now run by a family of raccoons.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis criticized laws banning homosexuality as unjust saying that it’s not a crime even though Catholic doctrine views homosexuality as a sin. He also stressed that Catholic doctrine use age as nothing but a number.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disney World.]

Colin Jost: Disneyworld is closing Splash Mountain to turn it into Tiana’s by you adventure after complaints that it’s Song of the South theme was racist. Okay, but where’s the outrage about Disney forcing a mentally challenged dwarf to mine blood diamonds?

Weekend Update: Colin Jost Interviews Rep. George Santos

Colin Jost

George Santos… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Scientists made a stunning breakthrough in the field of nuclear fusion which may lead to limitless clean energy. Here to comment is the man behind the research, oh no, it’s George Santos.

[George Santos slides in]

George Santos: No, no, no, Colin. I’m scientist, Nim.

Colin Jost: No. You’re George Santos and you’ve been all over the news lying about basically every part of your life.

George Santos: Maybe?

Colin Jost: You lied about going to NYU.

George Santos: You didn’t.

Colin Jost: You lied about working at Goldman Sachs.

George Santos: No, I filled the gold man sacks.

Colin Jost: You lied about your mom dying in 911.

George Santos: I think I said 7 Eleven.

Colin Jost: No. You even lied about being Jewish.

George Santos: No. I said I was Jew-ish, which is honestly icon-ic. I mean, I said that because my grandparents were in the Holocaust.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Really?

George Santos: Yeah. YeahThey actually knew Anne Frank. My ancestors were the ones that told herm “You should be writing this down.”

Colin Jost: That cannot be true. George, people need to know who you are.

George Santos: Okay, well, I am George Santos, Mr. Vaulter if you’re nasty. I graduated on a volleyball scholarship from Baruch Atah Adonai University. Four years of mishegoss. And I am a proud representative for my district in Long Island, New Jersey.

Colin Jost: What are you talking about?

George Santos: Hang on. Madonna’s calling me. Hello? Like a Virgin. I remember. I was there. I was the Virgin. Okay, love you, see at home.

Colin Jost: George, we don’t believe anything you’re saying.

George Santos: But well, by the way, I know that I look Asian but that’s because my maiden name is Chao as in Fogo de Chao. Because I’m Brazilian.

Colin Jost: Right, I got it. Okay, George. Well, then can you explain how you suddenly became a millionaire especially after being linked to the nephew of a Russian oligarch?

George Santos: Okay, well, that’s nothing. The only connection I have to Russia is that my great grand uncle was Rasputin. And my great grandmother was the little bat in the movie.

Colin Jost: From Anastasia?

George Santos: Yeah, from Anastasia. Meg Ryan’s in it. And Kristen Dunst plays a young Anastasia.

Colin Jost: Wow. George, I have to ask. Can you physically not stop lying?

George Santos: Colin, I’m not a liar. Not like Balloon Boy. That boy you lied about being in a balloon. Remember him? Because that was me?

Colin Jost: No, it was not.

George Santos: I’m not lying. Okay? They made me take a lie detector test before I came in here. Look.

Colin Jost: That is a COVID test.

George Santos: Hold on Madonna’s calling. [talks on the COVID test] Hello?

Colin Jost: She’s calling you on the COVID test? Georgia this has to stop. You have to stop lying.

George Santos: There’s no law against lying. Look at you. You’re wearing makeup. Okay, isn’t that a lie, letting everyone think you’re gorgeous?

Colin Jost: But George, I am gorgeous.

George Santos: Whoa, buddy.

Colin Jost: I just don’t understand why he Republicans won’t condemn you? I mean they promoted you to two committee assignments.

George Santos: Yeah, of course they did, Colin. I’m a team player and the sport is lies. At least mine are fun. Meanwhile, Marjorie Taylor Green’s over here saying 911 didn’t happen. I just said it happened to me.

Colin Jost: George Santos, everyone.

George Santos: Who? Oh me.

Weekend Update: Biden’s Classified Document Scandal, George Santos’ Lies

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

George Santos is facing multiple investigations for lying about nearly every aspect of his life, to make himself appear far more successful than he is, earning him the nickname Instagram. Of all of George Sanders’s lies, my favorite was that he was a standout volleyball player for Baruch College. Now, that is a fine thing to be, but an insane thing to pretend to be. Like that’s his fantasy? It’s like asking a kid what do they want to be when they grow up and they’re like, “I don’t know assistant manager at Kohl’s.”

[Picture changes to George Santos with two dogs.]

George Santos seen here with two people he listed as professional references, was described by fashion expert as being able to get away with his lies for so long because he was well dressed. This guy is well dressed? He looks like he’s trying to steal clothes by putting them on over what he wore into the store. And not to be a bitch, but can we talk about this look? I mean a blazer over a half zip? Girl not in my yacht party.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

Michael Che: A drag queen who claims she performed with George Santos said that George did not have the glamour to be a professional. But she said another drag queen and Congress is absolutely slaying as the character Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden.]

Earlier today, earlier today the FBI searched President Biden’s Delaware home and found six additional Obama era classified documents. Worse, one of them was Obama’s real birth certificate. It was hidden in a copy of blacktail magazine.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Joe Biden and Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: The Biden classified documents scandal and the Trump classified documents scandal are very different, but they do share one big thing in common. They both make Hillary Clinton want to blow her god damn brains out. It would have been so funny if they searched Biden’s garage and he had Hillary server.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis.]

Michael Che: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has proposed a new policy permanently banning mask mandates and vaccine requirements saying when the world lost its mind, Florida was a refuge of sanity. Then everyone in the crowd took a hit at nitrous and bitter cop.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump responded to reports that Ron DeSantis will run against him for the republican nomination saying “We’ll handle this the way I handle things.” So rough and without consent?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There.s a picture of US Capitol.]

Colin Jost: The US government hit its debt limit on Thursday and the country now risks defaulting on its bills. And look, we’ve all been there. You know? You spend too much because life’s too short and the bill comes due, the bank won’t loan your money anymore. Then you have no choice you have to buckle down, face the music and blow up your Staten Island Ferry for insurance money.