Tag: Colin

Weekend Update: Colin Jost Interviews Rep. George Santos

Colin Jost

George Santos… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Scientists made a stunning breakthrough in the field of nuclear fusion which may lead to limitless clean energy. Here to comment is the man behind the research, oh no, it’s George Santos.

[George Santos slides in]

George Santos: No, no, no, Colin. I’m scientist, Nim.

Colin Jost: No. You’re George Santos and you’ve been all over the news lying about basically every part of your life.

George Santos: Maybe?

Colin Jost: You lied about going to NYU.

George Santos: You didn’t.

Colin Jost: You lied about working at Goldman Sachs.

George Santos: No, I filled the gold man sacks.

Colin Jost: You lied about your mom dying in 911.

George Santos: I think I said 7 Eleven.

Colin Jost: No. You even lied about being Jewish.

George Santos: No. I said I was Jew-ish, which is honestly icon-ic. I mean, I said that because my grandparents were in the Holocaust.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Really?

George Santos: Yeah. YeahThey actually knew Anne Frank. My ancestors were the ones that told herm “You should be writing this down.”

Colin Jost: That cannot be true. George, people need to know who you are.

George Santos: Okay, well, I am George Santos, Mr. Vaulter if you’re nasty. I graduated on a volleyball scholarship from Baruch Atah Adonai University. Four years of mishegoss. And I am a proud representative for my district in Long Island, New Jersey.

Colin Jost: What are you talking about?

George Santos: Hang on. Madonna’s calling me. Hello? Like a Virgin. I remember. I was there. I was the Virgin. Okay, love you, see at home.

Colin Jost: George, we don’t believe anything you’re saying.

George Santos: But well, by the way, I know that I look Asian but that’s because my maiden name is Chao as in Fogo de Chao. Because I’m Brazilian.

Colin Jost: Right, I got it. Okay, George. Well, then can you explain how you suddenly became a millionaire especially after being linked to the nephew of a Russian oligarch?

George Santos: Okay, well, that’s nothing. The only connection I have to Russia is that my great grand uncle was Rasputin. And my great grandmother was the little bat in the movie.

Colin Jost: From Anastasia?

George Santos: Yeah, from Anastasia. Meg Ryan’s in it. And Kristen Dunst plays a young Anastasia.

Colin Jost: Wow. George, I have to ask. Can you physically not stop lying?

George Santos: Colin, I’m not a liar. Not like Balloon Boy. That boy you lied about being in a balloon. Remember him? Because that was me?

Colin Jost: No, it was not.

George Santos: I’m not lying. Okay? They made me take a lie detector test before I came in here. Look.

Colin Jost: That is a COVID test.

George Santos: Hold on Madonna’s calling. [talks on the COVID test] Hello?

Colin Jost: She’s calling you on the COVID test? Georgia this has to stop. You have to stop lying.

George Santos: There’s no law against lying. Look at you. You’re wearing makeup. Okay, isn’t that a lie, letting everyone think you’re gorgeous?

Colin Jost: But George, I am gorgeous.

George Santos: Whoa, buddy.

Colin Jost: I just don’t understand why he Republicans won’t condemn you? I mean they promoted you to two committee assignments.

George Santos: Yeah, of course they did, Colin. I’m a team player and the sport is lies. At least mine are fun. Meanwhile, Marjorie Taylor Green’s over here saying 911 didn’t happen. I just said it happened to me.

Colin Jost: George Santos, everyone.

George Santos: Who? Oh me.

Weekend Update Sarah Sherman Roasts Colin Jost

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost at his set]

Speaker Colin Jost: Well guys, we are six shows into our new season. Here to tell us how it’s going is one of our new cast members, Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Hey, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: Hey, Sarah. So, how’s your time with the show been so far?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: What’s not to love? Laughing, comedy, New York City. But I’m not gonna lie, dude. I’ve got some feedback.

Speaker Colin Jost: You got feedback already?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Yeah. And I got a lot of questions about this show. First off, why is it live?

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, the name is show Saturday Night Live.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Don’t you think that’s a little scary, Colin? I could say something right now that could ruin my life and yours.

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, please don’t.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: I kind of want to I’m crazy.

Speaker Colin Jost: Don’t though.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Anything could happen. I can have a nip slip right now.

Speaker Colin Jost: Sarah, you’re buttoned up to your neck.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: You don’t where my nipples are.

Speaker Colin Jost: Okay, like I feel like I know where most people’s nipples are.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Hah, do you?

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local pervert Colin Jost claims he’s seen most people’s nipples” at left top corner.]

This just pervert Collin Jost claims he seen most people’s nipples. Now, back to you, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: That’s not what I meant.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why is the show on so late? It’s not even Saturday anymore. It’s Sunday. You people are being lied to.

Speaker Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. Well, the show starts on Saturday.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Wow.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Self proclaimed nipple expert Colin Jost caught mansplaining live on TV” at left top corner.]
Wow. In other news, self proclaimed nipple expert mansplaining live on television. Now back to you, Colin.

Speaker Colin Jost: Where are you getting these graphics?

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Please stop interrupting me. And another thing. Why is everyone on the cast so freaking good looking? I’m sitting here looking like Chucky went to Saint Lawrence.

Speaker Colin Jost: Come on. No, no.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Oh, so you’re saying I’m beautiful? What are you obsessed with me or something?

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local sicko Colin Jost caught hitting on SNL’s barely legal new girl” at left top corner.]

Breaking news, local sicko Colin Jost caught hitting on SNL’s barely legal new girl.

Speaker Colin Jost: Barely Legal? You’re like, 30.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why aren’t there any Jews on this show?

Speaker Colin Jost: There are a lot of Jewish people on the show including you.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Wow. Okay, I’m gonna do it.

Speaker Colin Jost: Don’t do it.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: I’m gonna.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Local wet blanket Colin Jost is keeping track of the amount of Jews at SNL” at left top corner.]

In other news, local wet blanket Colin Jost is keeping track of the amount of Jews at SNL. He’s making a list and he’s checking it twice. More on that at 11.

Speaker Colin Jost: It’s way past 11.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Why are you guys dressed like that? I mean, nice jacket, Collin. Where’d you get that? The friggin store?

Speaker Colin Jost: I mean, yeah, I got it a store. Yeah.

Michael Che: [laughing hard] She got you, man. You suck. Oh. That’s such a beating.

Speaker Sarah Sherman: Thanks, Michael.

[There’s a picture of an article that says “Noted white feminist Michael Che protects innocent Jweish girl from gorgeous facist Colin Jost” at left top corner.]
Noted white feminist Michael Che protects innocent Jweish girl from gorgeous facist Colin Jost.

Speaker Colin Jost: Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Weekend Update- Colin Jost and Michael Che Swap Jokes for Season 46 Finale

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, tonight is the last show of the season and Che and I have decided that our end of the year gift to each other will once again be jokes.

Michael Che: Yeah. So, we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: And the idea is to keep it fun, light. No one’s going to get canceled. No one’s family’s going to get threatened. Have fun.

Michael Che: Sure, we’ll see. Why don’t you go first?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an obese monkey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An obese monkey in Thailand named Godzilla has been sent to a special facility to lose weight. Official realize that the monkey was overweight when a bunch of black guys kept hitting on it.

[Cut to Michael Che laughing hard. There’s a picture of a ‘strip club’ board at right top corner.]

Michael Che: That was pretty racist, Colin. Las Vegas is opening a Pop-up vaccine site at a strip club and don’t worry, the strippers say the vaccine is a lot like Michael Che, very quick and you can barely feel it go in.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Superman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Warner Brothers is producing a new movie in which Superman is black. And a black Superman actually makes a lot of sense when you remember that Superman was abandoned by his parents as a baby. There’s more? Well, I knew you’d like that one, so here’s another one. Warner Brothers is producing a new movie in which Superman is black. In this version, black Superman’s kryptonite honest day’s work.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of San Diego map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa! Really doubling down on black Superman. San Diego police are being investigated after video surfaced of them using excessive force on a homeless black man accused of urinating in public. But I say, “Great work keeping out streets clean, boys.” Yes sir, anything the police do is all right ole Mikey Che. I know I’m probably the only black man brave enough to say this on live TV but blue lives matter even more.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hip Hop Museum logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Really nice of you. This week, construction began on a new Hip Hop museum in the Bronx. And I know that we had a lot of fun with me reading racist jokes that Michael writes for me, but because our country is divided enough, I’d like to use my platform to say something that everyone of all races can agree on. Woody Allen is innocent. He did nothing wrong. Before I go, I just thought of another punch line for that black Superman joke. Black Superman will be referred to as the Man of Steel, spelled S-T-E-A-L.

Weekend Update Rachael Invites Colin to Central Perk

Colin Jost

Rachael… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This month, NBC will air it’s special. The features are reunion of the cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Here to comment is Rachael from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

[Rachael slides in]

Oh, my god. This is incredible. You know, it’s so great see you Rachael.

Rachael: Oh, Colin. Oh, hi. [Cut to Rachael] Hi. Oh! [Michael Che laughing] Wow! Yeah! Yes.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You know Rachael, I gotta say I haven’t seen you since the 90s’ probably. How have you been?

Rachael: What? Oh, yeah! [Cut to Rachael] Yeah, I’ve been. Yeah, I’ve been good. I’ve been good. Yeah.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Good. Good. So are you excited to see all your friends again?

Rachael: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Rachael] You know. Joey, Chandler, Phoebs, Mon, and of course, you know, Ross. Yeah.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s all of them.

Rachael: Yeah. You know, I’m seeing them tonight. [Cut to Rachael] Phoebs is playing the show at Central Perk and then we’re all gonna jump in the fountain with umbrellas. Yeah. Oh, you know, you should come. Oh, I’ll see you there.

[cut to a very short clip used in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for scene cuts with nostalgic music]

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost in the Weekend Update set. Rachael is speaking on the phone.]

Yeah, okay bye.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What just happened?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Oh yeah. Yeah, that happens to me every few minutes. Yeah. It’s weird. Yeah. I don’t know. It’s weird. Oh! Speaking of which, [Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost] hey, what’s that?

Colin Jost: What’s what? Where? Oh, that is Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: She’s on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. She has never seen a black person, Colin!

[Cut to Rachael, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Rachael: Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, why don’t you both come over tonight. [Cut to Rachael] Phoebs is gonna bring her new boyfriend and he’s not gonna fit in. I’ll see you there. Yeah!

[cut to a very short clip used in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for scene cuts with nostalgic music]

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost in the Weekend Update set. Rachael is playing with a baby.]

Oh, shh!

Colin Jost: Wait! Now you have a baby?

Rachael: Oh, yeah. Yeah, sometimes yeah.

[Rachael passes the baby away]

Colin Jost: Rachael, okay. Is it me or do you always sound surprised by everything?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: What? Oh, yeah. Well, what? Okay. Well, I don\t– Okay. What? Yeah. Huh?

[F.R.I.E.N.D.S. song playing]

Colin Jost: Rachael everyone.

[The End]

Weekend Update Jill Davenport flirts with Colin

Colin Jost

Jill Davenport… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the holiday shopping season is officially under way. Here to tell us the best tech gadgets for the guy in your life is reporter from Glamour magazine, Jill Davenport.

[Jill slides in]

Jill: Thank you, Colin. [Jill is flirt-gesturing] It’s so great to be here. I’m like, a huge fan.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Thank you so much, Jill.

Jill: Wait, how did you say my name?

Colin Jost: Ah, I’m sorry. Did I miss pronounce it? Jill?

Jill: No. You sort of like, funny. Like, I’m watching you! Alright. [Jill is playing with her hair] So, the best gadgets– My god! I’m like, so hot out here. Do you mind if I take my jacket off, first? [take off her jacket]

Colin Jost: No, that’s fine.

Jill: [laughs] Of course you don’t mind. It’s like a free show. [Jill is playing with her hair]

Colin Jost: Jill, I have to say. I feel like you’re kind of trying to flirt with me.

Jill: What? Colin! I have like, a boyfriend. Can we just talk about gadgets?

Colin Jost: Yes, please. Let’s.

Jill: Please? Oh, Mr. Manners. Okay, professional. [looking into her shirt.] Oh, my god! What’s in my shirt. [looks at Colin Jost] Oh, my god! Did you just see down my shirt? I’m so embarrassed.

Colin Jost: Jill, no. I was not looking–

Jill: Are you making fun of me? Oh, my god. You are so laughing at me right now. You are! Michael, is Colin laughing at me?

[Cut to Michael. He has his headphones on and is nodding to the music.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jill]

Oh, my god. I’m like, freezing out here. I’m so cold. Can I have your coat?

Colin Jost: You want my coat?

[Jill nods her head]

Okay, sure. It feels like you just had one, but that’s great.

[Colin Jost opens his coat and gives it to Jill]

Jill: Gentlemen. I guess they still do exist.

Colin Jost: Okay. Here you go. Alright. So, gadgets–

Jill: Oh, my god. Do I look like a baby in your coat?

Colin Jost: Jill, are you only out here to flirt with me?

Jill: Stop! I have a boyfriend. You’re making me laugh. Wait, can you open this jar for me.

[Jill hands Colin Jost a red jar]

Colin Jost: Is this about gadgets?

Jill: Yes, basically.

[Colin Jost opens the jar’s lid]

Thank you.

[Colin Jost takes a popsicle out and starts licking it.]

Colin Jost: Wait! That jar just had a popsible in it?

Jill: Get your mind out of the gutter!

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Look, just tell me one tech gadget.

Jill: You are so bad. You know, I might have to go out with you after all.

Colin Jost: Go out? You just said you have a boyfriend.

Jill: Yeah, but he died.

Colin Jost: Jill Davenport, everyone. I need my coat back.