George Santos… Bowen Yang[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Scientists made a stunning breakthrough in the field of nuclear fusion which may lead to limitless clean energy. Here to comment is the man behind the research, oh no, it’s George Santos.[George Santos slides in]
George Santos: No, no, no, Colin. I’m scientist, Nim.
Colin Jost: No. You’re George Santos and you’ve been all over the news lying about basically every part of your life.
George Santos: Maybe?
Colin Jost: You lied about going to NYU.
George Santos: You didn’t.
Colin Jost: You lied about working at Goldman Sachs.
George Santos: No, I filled the gold man sacks.
Colin Jost: You lied about your mom dying in 911.
George Santos: I think I said 7 Eleven.
Colin Jost: No. You even lied about being Jewish.
George Santos: No. I said I was Jew-ish, which is honestly icon-ic. I mean, I said that because my grandparents were in the Holocaust.
Colin Jost: Oh my god. Really?
George Santos: Yeah. YeahThey actually knew Anne Frank. My ancestors were the ones that told herm “You should be writing this down.”
Colin Jost: That cannot be true. George, people need to know who you are.
George Santos: Okay, well, I am George Santos, Mr. Vaulter if you’re nasty. I graduated on a volleyball scholarship from Baruch Atah Adonai University. Four years of mishegoss. And I am a proud representative for my district in Long Island, New Jersey.
Colin Jost: What are you talking about?
George Santos: Hang on. Madonna’s calling me. Hello? Like a Virgin. I remember. I was there. I was the Virgin. Okay, love you, see at home.
Colin Jost: George, we don’t believe anything you’re saying.
George Santos: But well, by the way, I know that I look Asian but that’s because my maiden name is Chao as in Fogo de Chao. Because I’m Brazilian.
Colin Jost: Right, I got it. Okay, George. Well, then can you explain how you suddenly became a millionaire especially after being linked to the nephew of a Russian oligarch?
George Santos: Okay, well, that’s nothing. The only connection I have to Russia is that my great grand uncle was Rasputin. And my great grandmother was the little bat in the movie.
Colin Jost: From Anastasia?
George Santos: Yeah, from Anastasia. Meg Ryan’s in it. And Kristen Dunst plays a young Anastasia.
Colin Jost: Wow. George, I have to ask. Can you physically not stop lying?
George Santos: Colin, I’m not a liar. Not like Balloon Boy. That boy you lied about being in a balloon. Remember him? Because that was me?
Colin Jost: No, it was not.
George Santos: I’m not lying. Okay? They made me take a lie detector test before I came in here. Look.
Colin Jost: That is a COVID test.
George Santos: Hold on Madonna’s calling. [talks on the COVID test] Hello?
Colin Jost: She’s calling you on the COVID test? Georgia this has to stop. You have to stop lying.
George Santos: There’s no law against lying. Look at you. You’re wearing makeup. Okay, isn’t that a lie, letting everyone think you’re gorgeous?
Colin Jost: But George, I am gorgeous.
George Santos: Whoa, buddy.
Colin Jost: I just don’t understand why he Republicans won’t condemn you? I mean they promoted you to two committee assignments.
George Santos: Yeah, of course they did, Colin. I’m a team player and the sport is lies. At least mine are fun. Meanwhile, Marjorie Taylor Green’s over here saying 911 didn’t happen. I just said it happened to me.
Colin Jost: George Santos, everyone.
George Santos: Who? Oh me.