Weekend Update- Colin Jost and Michael Che Swap Jokes for Season 46 Finale

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, tonight is the last show of the season and Che and I have decided that our end of the year gift to each other will once again be jokes.

Michael Che: Yeah. So, we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: And the idea is to keep it fun, light. No one’s going to get canceled. No one’s family’s going to get threatened. Have fun.

Michael Che: Sure, we’ll see. Why don’t you go first?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an obese monkey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An obese monkey in Thailand named Godzilla has been sent to a special facility to lose weight. Official realize that the monkey was overweight when a bunch of black guys kept hitting on it.

[Cut to Michael Che laughing hard. There’s a picture of a ‘strip club’ board at right top corner.]

Michael Che: That was pretty racist, Colin. Las Vegas is opening a Pop-up vaccine site at a strip club and don’t worry, the strippers say the vaccine is a lot like Michael Che, very quick and you can barely feel it go in.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Superman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Warner Brothers is producing a new movie in which Superman is black. And a black Superman actually makes a lot of sense when you remember that Superman was abandoned by his parents as a baby. There’s more? Well, I knew you’d like that one, so here’s another one. Warner Brothers is producing a new movie in which Superman is black. In this version, black Superman’s kryptonite honest day’s work.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of San Diego map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa! Really doubling down on black Superman. San Diego police are being investigated after video surfaced of them using excessive force on a homeless black man accused of urinating in public. But I say, “Great work keeping out streets clean, boys.” Yes sir, anything the police do is all right ole Mikey Che. I know I’m probably the only black man brave enough to say this on live TV but blue lives matter even more.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hip Hop Museum logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Really nice of you. This week, construction began on a new Hip Hop museum in the Bronx. And I know that we had a lot of fun with me reading racist jokes that Michael writes for me, but because our country is divided enough, I’d like to use my platform to say something that everyone of all races can agree on. Woody Allen is innocent. He did nothing wrong. Before I go, I just thought of another punch line for that black Superman joke. Black Superman will be referred to as the Man of Steel, spelled S-T-E-A-L.

Weekend Update Rachael Invites Colin to Central Perk

Colin Jost

Rachael… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This month, NBC will air it’s special. The features are reunion of the cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Here to comment is Rachael from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

[Rachael slides in]

Oh, my god. This is incredible. You know, it’s so great see you Rachael.

Rachael: Oh, Colin. Oh, hi. [Cut to Rachael] Hi. Oh! [Michael Che laughing] Wow! Yeah! Yes.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You know Rachael, I gotta say I haven’t seen you since the 90s’ probably. How have you been?

Rachael: What? Oh, yeah! [Cut to Rachael] Yeah, I’ve been. Yeah, I’ve been good. I’ve been good. Yeah.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Good. Good. So are you excited to see all your friends again?

Rachael: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Rachael] You know. Joey, Chandler, Phoebs, Mon, and of course, you know, Ross. Yeah.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s all of them.

Rachael: Yeah. You know, I’m seeing them tonight. [Cut to Rachael] Phoebs is playing the show at Central Perk and then we’re all gonna jump in the fountain with umbrellas. Yeah. Oh, you know, you should come. Oh, I’ll see you there.

[cut to a very short clip used in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for scene cuts with nostalgic music] [Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost in the Weekend Update set. Rachael is speaking on the phone.]

Yeah, okay bye.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What just happened?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Oh yeah. Yeah, that happens to me every few minutes. Yeah. It’s weird. Yeah. I don’t know. It’s weird. Oh! Speaking of which, [Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost] hey, what’s that?

Colin Jost: What’s what? Where? Oh, that is Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: She’s on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. She has never seen a black person, Colin!

[Cut to Rachael, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Rachael: Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, why don’t you both come over tonight. [Cut to Rachael] Phoebs is gonna bring her new boyfriend and he’s not gonna fit in. I’ll see you there. Yeah!

[cut to a very short clip used in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for scene cuts with nostalgic music] [Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost in the Weekend Update set. Rachael is playing with a baby.]

Oh, shh!

Colin Jost: Wait! Now you have a baby?

Rachael: Oh, yeah. Yeah, sometimes yeah.

[Rachael passes the baby away]

Colin Jost: Rachael, okay. Is it me or do you always sound surprised by everything?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: What? Oh, yeah. Well, what? Okay. Well, I don\t– Okay. What? Yeah. Huh?

[F.R.I.E.N.D.S. song playing]

Colin Jost: Rachael everyone.

[The End]

Weekend Update Jill Davenport flirts with Colin

Colin Jost

Jill Davenport… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the holiday shopping season is officially under way. Here to tell us the best tech gadgets for the guy in your life is reporter from Glamour magazine, Jill Davenport.

[Jill slides in]

Jill: Thank you, Colin. [Jill is flirt-gesturing] It’s so great to be here. I’m like, a huge fan.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Thank you so much, Jill.

Jill: Wait, how did you say my name?

Colin Jost: Ah, I’m sorry. Did I miss pronounce it? Jill?

Jill: No. You sort of like, funny. Like, I’m watching you! Alright. [Jill is playing with her hair] So, the best gadgets– My god! I’m like, so hot out here. Do you mind if I take my jacket off, first? [take off her jacket]

Colin Jost: No, that’s fine.

Jill: [laughs] Of course you don’t mind. It’s like a free show. [Jill is playing with her hair]

Colin Jost: Jill, I have to say. I feel like you’re kind of trying to flirt with me.

Jill: What? Colin! I have like, a boyfriend. Can we just talk about gadgets?

Colin Jost: Yes, please. Let’s.

Jill: Please? Oh, Mr. Manners. Okay, professional. [looking into her shirt.] Oh, my god! What’s in my shirt. [looks at Colin Jost] Oh, my god! Did you just see down my shirt? I’m so embarrassed.

Colin Jost: Jill, no. I was not looking–

Jill: Are you making fun of me? Oh, my god. You are so laughing at me right now. You are! Michael, is Colin laughing at me?

[Cut to Michael. He has his headphones on and is nodding to the music.] [Cut to Colin Jost and Jill]

Oh, my god. I’m like, freezing out here. I’m so cold. Can I have your coat?

Colin Jost: You want my coat?

[Jill nods her head]

Okay, sure. It feels like you just had one, but that’s great.

[Colin Jost opens his coat and gives it to Jill]

Jill: Gentlemen. I guess they still do exist.

Colin Jost: Okay. Here you go. Alright. So, gadgets–

Jill: Oh, my god. Do I look like a baby in your coat?

Colin Jost: Jill, are you only out here to flirt with me?

Jill: Stop! I have a boyfriend. You’re making me laugh. Wait, can you open this jar for me.

[Jill hands Colin Jost a red jar]

Colin Jost: Is this about gadgets?

Jill: Yes, basically.

[Colin Jost opens the jar’s lid]

Thank you.

[Colin Jost takes a popsicle out and starts licking it.]

Colin Jost: Wait! That jar just had a popsible in it?

Jill: Get your mind out of the gutter!

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Look, just tell me one tech gadget.

Jill: You are so bad. You know, I might have to go out with you after all.

Colin Jost: Go out? You just said you have a boyfriend.

Jill: Yeah, but he died.

Colin Jost: Jill Davenport, everyone. I need my coat back.