Tag: jokes

Weekend Update- Colin Jost and Michael Che Swap Jokes for Season 46 Finale

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, tonight is the last show of the season and Che and I have decided that our end of the year gift to each other will once again be jokes.

Michael Che: Yeah. So, we’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: And the idea is to keep it fun, light. No one’s going to get canceled. No one’s family’s going to get threatened. Have fun.

Michael Che: Sure, we’ll see. Why don’t you go first?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an obese monkey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An obese monkey in Thailand named Godzilla has been sent to a special facility to lose weight. Official realize that the monkey was overweight when a bunch of black guys kept hitting on it.

[Cut to Michael Che laughing hard. There’s a picture of a ‘strip club’ board at right top corner.]

Michael Che: That was pretty racist, Colin. Las Vegas is opening a Pop-up vaccine site at a strip club and don’t worry, the strippers say the vaccine is a lot like Michael Che, very quick and you can barely feel it go in.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Superman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Warner Brothers is producing a new movie in which Superman is black. And a black Superman actually makes a lot of sense when you remember that Superman was abandoned by his parents as a baby. There’s more? Well, I knew you’d like that one, so here’s another one. Warner Brothers is producing a new movie in which Superman is black. In this version, black Superman’s kryptonite honest day’s work.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of San Diego map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa! Really doubling down on black Superman. San Diego police are being investigated after video surfaced of them using excessive force on a homeless black man accused of urinating in public. But I say, “Great work keeping out streets clean, boys.” Yes sir, anything the police do is all right ole Mikey Che. I know I’m probably the only black man brave enough to say this on live TV but blue lives matter even more.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hip Hop Museum logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Really nice of you. This week, construction began on a new Hip Hop museum in the Bronx. And I know that we had a lot of fun with me reading racist jokes that Michael writes for me, but because our country is divided enough, I’d like to use my platform to say something that everyone of all races can agree on. Woody Allen is innocent. He did nothing wrong. Before I go, I just thought of another punch line for that black Superman joke. Black Superman will be referred to as the Man of Steel, spelled S-T-E-A-L.

Weekend Update Offensive Jokes

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There are pictures of a goat, hedgehog and American Airlines logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: American Airlines has revised a guideline to ban passengers from bringing goats and hedgehogs on board as emotional support animals. Meanwhile, over at Spirit Airlines, it’s still a full on Noah’s Ark.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a moon at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A non-profit group has announced plans to create a library on the moon. “Cool,” said kids in Chicago.

[Picture changes to a kindergarten classroom]

Police in Philadelphia said that a six year old girl in a kindergarten class discovered a bag of cocaine in another student’s backpack. The student was bringing a cocaine in for showing, [yelling] “Tell, tell, tell!” That’s a nice one.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: That’s nice.

Michael Che: That’s sweet one.

Colin Jost: That was a sweet one.

Michael Che: Kids on cocaine. That’s sweet.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s really sweet. Well, this is the last episode of our season and there were a lot of jokes we tried this year. And some of them were deemed too offensive to do on air.

Michael Che: So we decided that since it’s the end of the year, we’re gonna do some anyway. How about that?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of ‘Boy Scouts of America’ logo at right top corner.]

The Boy Scouts of America agreed this week to allow girls into their organization, coz somebody gotta sow those badges on. Now, again, these jokes are offensive and that’s why we won’t tell them on air.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of restroom doors with women posters on them.]

Colin Jost: These are the ones we won’t be telling. A restaurant in Texas has created a controversy by putting pictures of Bruce Jenner on the men’s room door and Caitlyn Jenner on the women’s room door. Even worse, they called the handicapped door, “Rob.”

Michael Che: Now, you can’t do that joke.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a police car at right top corner.]

You can’t do that. You can’t do that on TV. Pennsylvania police arrested a one armed woman who was trying to rob a bank. Police said the hardest part was figuring out how to handcuff her. Now, that’s– that’s just– you can’t say that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Hamilton and Ponhub logos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, you can’t. Pornhub has released– this is exciting– has released it’s parody of the musical Hamilton. And in the porn version, Hamilton absolutely throws away his shot.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of marijuana leaf at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The New York Daily News published an editorial calling for New York to legalize marijuana saying that the current law has primarily hurt people of color. But since it is the Daily News, the headline read, “Pot cigs catch nigs.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jocelyn Wildenstein at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Went better than when I did it. Jocelyn Wildenstein, the plastic surgery obsessed woman known as Cat Woman has filed for bankruptcy. But don’t worry about Jocelyn, from the looks of her this is one cat who always lands… on her face.

Michael Che: Oh-ho!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Have a great summer. Goodnight.