FOX & Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Alex Moffat

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Brian Kilmeade… Beck Bennett

Hope Hicks… Cecily Strong

Louis Farrakhan… Chris Redd

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with FOX & friends intro]

Female voice: You’re watching FOX & friends.

[Cut to Steve, Ainsley and Brian in their set] [cheers and applause]

Steve: Good morning. I’m Steve Big Poppa Doocy. That’s Ainsley  and Brian.

Brian: Howdy?

Ainsley: Hello. [Cut to Ainsley] We want to say a big hello to all our fans out there, whether you’re fixing your breakfast or getting dressed for work or laying in the Lincoln bedroom

tweeting with an egg mug muffin on your chest, hello.

[Cut to all]

Brian: Yes, you.

Steve: Yes, indeed. [Cut to Steve] Now, coming up, we’ll show you more from our trip to Washington DC where we sit on different balconies and point at Trump hotels. But first, that FinCEN memo is out and it is a bombshell. Um, here to comment is White House communications director, Hope Hicks.

[Cut to Hope in her office]

Hope: Hi everyone. We love the show over here at the White House. It’s playing at full volume during every meeting.

[Cut to split screen with Hope and Brian]

Brian: Now, Hope, this is so exciting. Two years ago, you were a 26 year old former model working for Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. But now, you’re White House communications director.

[Cut to Hope]

Hope: Sure. If you say so. There are no real jobs here. You know? Everyday feels like when a group of strangers suddenly work together to push a beached whale back into the sea

[Cut to split screen with Hope and Steve]

Steve: Well, Hope, this memo proves that the FBI is totally out of control. I hope they don’t drag you into this mess. You seem like an honorable young woman.

Hope: I know. [Cut to Hope] People are treating me like I’m the gossip girl of the White House. But even if a certain White House IT boy did get a little chatty with some Russian hunks, you wouldn’t hear about it from me. Xoxo. [winks] [Cut to FOX News set]

Steve: Thanks, Hope. Well, the resignation of Andrew McCabe is another chapter of an FBI interim oil.

Brian: It’s a mess over there. [Cut to Brian] Deep state stuff. It’s disgusting. [laughing] Luckily for us, one man has been warning people for years about this and he’s not a partisan politician. He’s a minister. His name is Louis Farrakhan and he joins us now.

[Louis is sitting beside them. He is wearing a suit and a bow tie.]

Louis: Thank you Steve, Brian, Ainsley. I’m surprised to be on your show.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I don’t know much about you but you’re a guy who was telling the truth about the FBI before any of us. What is going on over there?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Ha-ha. Yes, the FBI are next Vipers and Devils, whispering, plotting, spying but believe me when I say this. Their day of retribution is coming for as a man sow with, the same shall he also reap. That’s god.

[Cut to all]

Brian: That’s a great take. That’s a great take.

Ainsley: Mr. Farrakhan, this bow tie is so great, giving Tucker Carlson some competition.

[all laughing]

Louis: Ha-ha-ha. I do not know who that is.

Ainsley: Now, if the FBI can go after the president, aren’t you worried that they might come after you?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Oh, no. I do not fear that for god is justice and he is on the rise.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ainsley: That’s right.

Brian: I am digging this. I am digging this.

Louis: And if retribution pleases god then all of y’all are going to die.

[Cut to all]

Brian: Absolutely.

Louis: Every white person in this room. [pointing at them] You. And you. And even bubble head you.

Brian: Yeah.

Ainsley: Okay.

Brian: Love this guy. Fist bump.

Louis: No, white man. Hell, no.

Steve: I got you. [Steve and Brian do the fist bump]

Ainsley: Thank you. Thank you.

[Louis stands and walks away]

You know what? Hold on. I’m told we’re getting a special call. He’s on the line.

[Cut to Donald Trump in his bedroom. He is talking on phone.]

Donald Trump: It’s me. Good morning Ainsley, Steve and Brian. [cheers and applause] [Cut to FOX News set]

Ainsley: Oh, my god. President Trump? How are you?

Brian: Hey, big guy.

Steve: Sir, it is such an honor. thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule.

[Cut to Donald Trump. He is breathing heavy.]

Donald Trump: Yes. I’m so busy. And if you’re wondering why I’m so out of breath, it’s because I’m doing my P-90 morning exercises right now. [Donald Trump pulls a burger and takes a bite.] But I’m saving the economy, destroying ISIS and right now I’m getting my daily intelligence briefing.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Oh! Um, from who?

[Cut to Louis]

Donald Trump: From you guys. Thanks so much. The show is so great. Huge ratings. Of course not as big as the ratings from my State of the Union speech which was watched by 10 billion people, including all of Gina (China). Now, they say there’s only 7 billion people on earth, so where did the other 3 billion come from? Illegals? I don’t know.

[Cut to Ainsley]

Ainsley: Okay, Mr. President, can I say your speech was maybe the best speech in the history in this country?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Ainsley. I’m gonna tweet that right now. Boom, tweeted. Mega! You know, a lot of folks are saying including Paul Ryan that it was better than Martin Luther King’s “I dream of Genie” speech. Isn’t it amazing what’s happening? Senator Orrin Hatch said I’m the single greatest president ever. And this is Orrin Hatch people! The hottest guy in congress saying I’m better than Lincoln or Washington or anyone else in the country’s history.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Or, even the world. I’ve heard better than Ceasar.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean I make buildings. That guy just made salads. No contest. But guys, this memo might be the greatest memo since the declaration of independence. I don’t know. I haven’t read either one of them. And Devin Nunes, I love that guy. My sweet little house elf. So close. So close to earning his freedom. His memo proves that the FBI is biased and they have a history of this, folks. Okay? The history. [Donald Trump drinks soda out of can using straw] Biased against Richard Nixon. They were biased against John Gotti. Biased against Dillinger. Dillinger! I can’t figure that out. And they’re biased against me. Now, can I ask you all a question? Okay?

[Cut to FOX News set]

Brian: Sure.

Steve: Go ahead.

Ainsley: Anything.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Whose State of the Union that 10 billion people watched it?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: Your’s.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Who is the most innocent guy in the whole wide world?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

Ainsley: You are, sir.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: One more time?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I can’t hear you.

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

Ainsley: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Ah! Daddy needed that. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Putin’s Best Friends from Growing Up Return

Michael Che

Vanessa Bayer

Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: US intelligence officials now believe that Vladimir Putin personally oversaw the cyber attack on the democrats before the election. Here to defend them are Vladimir Putin’s best friends from growing up.

[Michael Che and Fred slide in]

Vanessa: Thank you.

Michael Che: So, Putin hacked into our electoral system, and that’s got to be a new low in diplomacy. But you guys are best friends with him?

Fred: Oh, he is the best.

Vanessa: Yeah, we love him. He’s like, a great leader.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: He has been leading for a long time. He’s focused, He’s disciplined.

Vanessa: Yeah, he’s such a hard worker. [soft voice] I will say he can be pretty petty. Okay, so he has this holiday party and on the invite, it says in bold letter, it says, “No gifts please.” So we show up and he goes, “Arriving empty handed, are we?” “You said no gifts!”

Fred: [soft voice] So, like, he points to us, right? With his thumb. And he rolls his eyes. Right? He turns to the room and he goes, “These cheapskates are here, hide your purses.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] first of all, that not only implies that we are cheap, but that we steal?

Fred: [soft voice] It said on the invitation not to bring anything.

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having a hard to hearing you guys. I mean, are you saying that he turns on people?

Vanessa: [normal voice] No, no, no. We love him. He’s like, our best friend. He’s so unique.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: Like, he loves retro things. He collects fun vintage sodas. He’s like a nerd.

Vanessa: He’s such a nerd about it.

Fred: I will say [soft voice] he is very weird about money and then he keeps saying he’s not weird about money. So I’m like, “Why are you bringing it up?” So, walking to the party, okay.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Okay, first thing, he goes, “Hey, can you guys play some music? Because I dind’t want to shell out money for a DJ.” We go, “What?”

Fred: [soft voice] So… why are we working at your party?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah, you’re gonna make us work at your party?

Fred: [soft voice] Like, Russia can get you a DJ, you know?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah.

Fred: [soft voice] So he comes around, he’s like, “Okay, hey everyone.” Goes out and comes back and, “We got a t-shirt for everyone. Merry Christmas.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re like flimsy.

Fred: [soft voice] And like itchy.

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re all the same size. So I got up to him and say, “Can I have a smaller size?” And he goes, “No, it was cheaper just to order all size larges.”

Fred: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president of a major nation.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president.

Fred: [soft voice] Get different sizes!

Vanessa: [soft voice] Splurge. And he says, “Sorry it doesn’t fit. Maybe you can put it over your face when you go on a date.”

Fred: [soft voice] What is your problem?

Vanessa: [soft voice] You’re gonna invited us and then you’re gonna insult us? What?

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Alright, wait. First off, you’ve got to speak up. Please. I can’t hear. Also, do you understand how serious these accusations against Putin are? I mean he’s literally threatening the American political system.

Fred: [normal voice] I mean, honestly, he’s very dedicated, He’s strong, He’s brave. And Michael, he’s a fan of you.

Vanessa: He loves you.

Fred: He loves you.

Vanessa: He really says such nice things about you.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: [soft voice] So, we go to the party. And we just say, “You know what? We’re going to head out.” Let me take off.

Vanessa: [soft voice] He goes, “You guys had a problem with me as soon as you walked in here. You didn’t ask me how my day was.”

Fred: [soft voice] “I have been dealing with all the hacking stuff, and Siberia is so cold.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] “So cold.”

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Okay. I can barely hear you. But it sounds like you don’t actually like Putin.

Fred: [normal voice] No, it’s just that it’s very complicated.

Vanessa: It’s kind of like how you feel about Colin Jost.

Michael Che: Oh, no, no, no, no. I love Colin. [soft voice] I will say that [starts whispering with Vanessa and Fred]

Vanessa and Fred: Michael Che, everyone!

Weekend Update Rachael Invites Colin to Central Perk

Colin Jost

Rachael… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This month, NBC will air it’s special. The features are reunion of the cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Here to comment is Rachael from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

[Rachael slides in]

Oh, my god. This is incredible. You know, it’s so great see you Rachael.

Rachael: Oh, Colin. Oh, hi. [Cut to Rachael] Hi. Oh! [Michael Che laughing] Wow! Yeah! Yes.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You know Rachael, I gotta say I haven’t seen you since the 90s’ probably. How have you been?

Rachael: What? Oh, yeah! [Cut to Rachael] Yeah, I’ve been. Yeah, I’ve been good. I’ve been good. Yeah.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Good. Good. So are you excited to see all your friends again?

Rachael: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Rachael] You know. Joey, Chandler, Phoebs, Mon, and of course, you know, Ross. Yeah.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s all of them.

Rachael: Yeah. You know, I’m seeing them tonight. [Cut to Rachael] Phoebs is playing the show at Central Perk and then we’re all gonna jump in the fountain with umbrellas. Yeah. Oh, you know, you should come. Oh, I’ll see you there.

[cut to a very short clip used in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for scene cuts with nostalgic music] [Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost in the Weekend Update set. Rachael is speaking on the phone.]

Yeah, okay bye.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What just happened?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Oh yeah. Yeah, that happens to me every few minutes. Yeah. It’s weird. Yeah. I don’t know. It’s weird. Oh! Speaking of which, [Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost] hey, what’s that?

Colin Jost: What’s what? Where? Oh, that is Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: She’s on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. She has never seen a black person, Colin!

[Cut to Rachael, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Rachael: Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, why don’t you both come over tonight. [Cut to Rachael] Phoebs is gonna bring her new boyfriend and he’s not gonna fit in. I’ll see you there. Yeah!

[cut to a very short clip used in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for scene cuts with nostalgic music] [Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost in the Weekend Update set. Rachael is playing with a baby.]

Oh, shh!

Colin Jost: Wait! Now you have a baby?

Rachael: Oh, yeah. Yeah, sometimes yeah.

[Rachael passes the baby away]

Colin Jost: Rachael, okay. Is it me or do you always sound surprised by everything?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: What? Oh, yeah. Well, what? Okay. Well, I don\t– Okay. What? Yeah. Huh?

[F.R.I.E.N.D.S. song playing]

Colin Jost: Rachael everyone.

[The End]