Tag: Friends

Fox & Friends Cold Open- Dominion Lawsuit

Steve Doocy… Mikey Day

Brian Kilmeade… Bowen Yang

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Mike Lindell… James Austin Johnson

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Famale voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set]

Steve Doocy: Good morning. Welcome to Fox and Friends. I’m Steve Doocy here with my good friends Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt.

Brian Kilmeade: Thank you, Steve. As always, we are coming to you live from our studio in New York City. New York what a cesspool.

Steve Doocy: Oh, that’s a Democrat run city for you.

Ainsley Earhardt: I know. Just today I was pushed onto the subway tracks by a homeless man and then push back on the platform by rats.

Steve Doocy: Argh, terrible. Well, you may have heard that Fox News is currently facing a $1.6 billion lawsuit from Dominion voting systems.

Brian Kilmeade: I’m surprised because I’m such a fan of Dominions. The little yellow guys with the overalls they go Banana.

Mike: No, Brian, not the Minions. We’re talking about the Dominion voting machines lawsuits. And our boss Rupert Murdoch gave some pretty shocking testimony in the case.

Ainsley Earhardt: This whole trial has been so unfair. They are raking him over the coals. Rupert Murdoch would never murder anyone.

Steve Doocy: Sorry. What?

Ainsley Earhardt: They sent him away for life. Look how sad he looks. Now, where’s that picture I found?

[a picture of Alex Murdoch appears on the screen]

Steve Doocy: Ainsley!

Ainsley Earhardt: What?

Steve Doocy: That’s not Rupert Murdoch. That’s Alex Murdoch.

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, we just blew the case wide open. They got the wrong guy.

Steve Doocy: Okay, I’ll explain later. Anyway, Rupert Murdoch admitted that Fox News aired election fraud conspiracies to get ratings even though everyone at Fox knew they were false.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, I didn’t. Loop a brother in next time.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, you may be wondering if it’s such a big story, why haven’t I heard about it on Fox?

Brian Kilmeade: I think it’s because they’re suing us for $1.6 billion.

Steve Doocy: No, it’s cuz it’s complete BS. The media is taking private texts from Fox News hosts and showing them completely out of content.

Brian Kilmeade: Like this one from Sean Hannity. “Rudy Giuliani is insane…” How could you leave out the rest? It’s “Rudy Giuliani is insanely hot. I just want to lick that head guy.”

Steve Doocy: Oh-hoo. I mean, who wouldn’t? Right? And some of the messages they showed at the trial didn’t even relate to the lawsuit at all. For example, the text “Mind blowingly nuts,” “Off the rails,” and “F-ing lunatic” were all sent in response to Laura Ingram’s text, “What should I put my Tinder bio?”

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay. You go girl. It’s hard out there.

Steve Doocy: All right. We have a special guest whose appearances on Fox were heavily featured in the trial, is a Fox News staple and happens to be our number one advertiser, it’s mMy Pillow’s Mike Lindell.

Mike Lindell: Hello Ainsley and the guys. I’m down at CPAC right now and it is an absolute blast. I was just over at the Biden dunk tank. It’s not the real Biden you dunk, but the actor is just as old. So you never know if he’s coming back up. There’s real risk there.

Brian Kilmeade: It’s great. Well, we’re glad to have you on but because of this lawsuit, our lawyers have asked you please don’t say anything crazy about Dominion.

Mike Lindell: No problem, I’ve been briefed. I know the rules. Every Dominion machine has a Venezuelan Oompah Loompah inside. They eat the votes with its little mouth.

Steve Doocy: Mike, gotta cut you off there, pal. You know, we can’t just be saying whatever anymore.

Mike Lindell: Oh, of course. Of course. Let me choose my words carefully. Dominion voting machines give triple votes to Democrats, illegals, and that lady Eminem that stuck shaving her pits.

Steve Doocy: Mike, okay, we’re gonna have to end it there.

Mike Lindell: That’s probably for the best. I have to say there’s whole Dominion thing has been a nightmare for me and my family, especially my wife. [pulls out a pillow] Sorry, Philomena, you know, it’s true.

Steve Doocy: All right. Okay. Well, let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll talk more about the Alex Murdoch’s sentencing with our Fox Crime expert, OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: What? Man, I don’t know why everybody thinks I’m an expert on this. Shoot. Booking me on the show without telling me why. Makes me so mad. I could just- No, I’m okay. Hey, man, live from New York. It’s Saturday night. You know what I’m saying?

Fox & Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Mikey Day

Brian Kilmeade… Bowen Yang

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Kari Lake… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set]

Steve Doocy: Good morning. Welcome to Fox and Friends. I’m Steve Doocy here with the lovely Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt.

Ainsley Earhardt: Hey, everybody, happy early Thanksgiving and Wakanda forever.

Brian Kilmeade: I don’t think we’re allowed to say that.

Ainsley Earhardt: Everybody chill.

Steve Doocy: Well, what a terrible week for the GOP. The Dems are retaining control of the Senate. So what the heck happened to that red wave that people were talking about?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, who was promising that because couldn’t have been us every day?

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, thankfully, there’s no way to check, but it definitely didn’t happen. And according to everybody, only one man was to blame. Look at these headlines, Trumpty Dumpty and Trumpster Fire. Ouch.

Steve Doocy: And look at this op ed. Mr. DeSantis. Will you be my new daddy?

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, who wrote that?

Steve Doocy: Eric Trump.

Ainsley Earhardt: Wow, seems like everybody’s turning on Trump.

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. And per company wide email we’ve got this morning, he’s dead to us.

Steve Doocy: Now, nearly every candidate Trump backed lost this week, except for one who’s still hanging on by a thread. And she’s here with us today. Please welcome Kari Lake.

Kari Lake: Hello there. Hi. And greetings from Arizona where the average age and temperature is 95.

Brian Kilmeade: Hi, Carrie, and thanks for being here during what’s what must be a very stressful time for your campaign.

Kari Lake: Hey, my campaign isn’t dead yet. Even though my camera filter makes it look like I’m in heaven.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, Kari, it seemed like this was a race you’d easily when you have it’s been a real nail biter. You and your opponent are currently neck and neck.

Kari Lake: That is because the Maricopa county officials are incompetent. And it’s my belief that the election is rigged and the results should be thrown out.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, it sounds like some new numbers are coming in which has you taking a narrow lead over Katie Hobbs.

Kari Lake: Chich is why I have always said this is a democracy. Trust the system. Trust the voters.

Brian Kilmeade: Sorry, I spoke too soon, another batch of votes just came in and you are now losing again.

Kari Lake: Because our system is broken. And it always has been.

Brian Kilmeade: Well, I’m sorry, I misread that. You’re actually back in the lead.

Kari Lake: But thankfully now it’s fixed. Look, I am 100% confident I’m going to win this election. And I won’t stop fighting until every vote is counted and then some votes are taken away. Because who the Arizonans want leading them? Katie Hobbs who’s hiding in a basement or me, Kari Lake who lives right here in this beautiful pool of Vaseline and who’s out there every single day at CVS asking black customers if they work here.

Steve Doocy: Well, we are rooting for you, Kari. We know the votes will go your way.

Kari Lake: Well, if they don’t, I’ll burn Arizona to the ground.

Steve Doocy: Wow. Well, she was nice.

Ainsley Earhardt: I hope the Trump effect doesn’t mess with her campaign.

Brian Kilmeade: You think he still watches our show?

Steve Doocy: Well, he’s at his daughter’s wedding this weekend. So at least we know he won’t call in.

[phone ringing]

Donald Trump: Hello, it’s your favorite president.

Brian Kilmeade: New phone, who this?

Ainsley Earhardt: He’s just kidding. Hi, Donald. Congratulations on Tiffany’s wedding.

Donald Trump: Who? Oh, oh, yeah. It’s okay. They’re just doing the vows.

Steve Doocy: Great. Well, we were just talking about you. There was that New York Post headline that culture Trumpty Dumpty and said you had a great fall.

Donald Trump: Well, I agree. I had a great fall. I had a great summer as well. And you know, many people are saying I’ll have a great winter. But I’m having a great fall. Okay, the leaves are turning red. It’s a red wave in terms of tree and with regard to leaf.

Ainsley Earhardt: We heard that you’re blaming, that you’re blaming both Sean Hannity and Melania for advising you to endorse Dr. Oz.

Donald Trump: It’s true. It’s true. Let me tell you, it’s very hard being in a fight with your soulmate. And also Melania. Now, all anyone wants to talk about is Ronda sanctimonious. I’m surprised. I know that word too. But Ron out it’s so easy.

Brian Kilmeade: All right, you said DeSantis has the advantage of sunshine.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Everybody goes to Florida for the sunshine. But look, I made Ron DeSantis, okay? He was going to lose until went FBI agents to go and fix his election.

Brian Kilmeade: Wait, you just admitted to what?

Donald Trump: But he’s ungrateful and now he’s trying to steal my sunshine just like Len. And you know, Len, they were a one hit wonder. Okay? Kinda like OMC. And these election results are making us go how bizarre? How bizarre? How bizarre? We’re all hearing that all the time, right? How bizarre?

Ainsley Earhardt: Don’t you need to walk your daughter down the aisle?

Donald Trump: Missed it. Anyway what are you guys talking about? What are you guys talking about? You see Fabelmans?

Ainsley Earhardt: Mr. President, I don’t know how to tell you this but we’ve moved on. We can’t have you on the show anymore.

Donald Trump: What? What did I do? Was it the insurrection?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: The impeachment.

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Blackmailing Ukraine?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Charlottesville?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Didn’t make wall?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: the murder?

Brian Kilmeade: What?

Donald Trump: Kidding.

Steve Doocy: It’s because you lost. Mr. President, we just don’t see a future with you. But you know what? We can still be friends. Okay? So bye bye now.

Donald Trump: Wait, wait. I have a big announcement, November 15th. Don’t push me off. I have a big announcement and it’s not what you think. I’m running for president again.

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh god.

Steve Doocy: That was awkward. but we’re finally free. Change is on the horizon and I have a pretty good idea we won’t be hearing from him again. [phone vibrating] And he’s calling my phone.

Brian Kilmeade: And mine.

Kari Lake: [sitting between Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade in place of Ainsley Earhardt, with a ring light on her face.] Mine too.

Steve Doocy: Whoa! Kari? What are you doing here?

Kari Lake: You think if I lose, I’m just gonna go away? Not on your life. We’ll be back for more Kari and friends. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Fox and Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Alex Moffat

Brian Kilmeade… Mikey Day

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Jenny Thomas… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set. Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt are sitting on a show couch.]

Steve Doocy: Good morning, Vietnam. Ha-ha. Welcome to Fox and Friends. That’s Brian kill me.

Brian Kilmeade: Hello.

Steve Doocy: The Ainsley ear and heart.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, y’all are gonna kill me with these jokes.

Steve Doocy: And I’m Steve Doocy here on this gorgeous 30 degree spring New York morning. What a hell hole of a city. Ha-ha-ha. Brian, how was the weekend?

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, very exciting, Steve. I got on True Srocial.

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh, President Trump’s exclusive new social media platform?

Steve Doocy: Yeah? Fancy. What’s it like?

Brian Kilmeade: You know, it’s funny. I downloaded the app, opened it in my phone immediately got very, very hot. Like over 140 degrees.

Steve Doocy: Wow, just from the app?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, burned my son actually. Anyway, True Social, five stars.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, guys. Speaking of truth, all right, crush of the week, Ted Cruz, absolutely wiped the floor with Ketanji Brown Jackson last week by waving a children’s book at her.

Steve Doocy: So powerfully.

Brian Kilmeade: Fatality.

Steve Doocy: I’m sorry, Miss Jackson, but I am foe the First Amendment.

Ainsley Earhardt: All right, here to talk about that and the Supreme Court are two friends of ours handling their own little controversy this week, Justice Clarence and Jenny Thomas.

[Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas walk in and take seats]

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha. Alright.

Jenny Thomas: Hello, friends.

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, first off, honorable Justice Thomas, you were just in the hospital? Is that right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. That’s what they say.

Ainsley Earhardt: Yeah? So what’s going on? You feeling okay?

Clarence Thomas: I guess we’ll see.

Steve Doocy: Yeah, for saying you had COVID, but not true, right. Justice T?

Clarence Thomas: Oh, anything is possible.

Brian Kilmeade: Justice Thomas always playing close to the vest. I respect that. Now, Jenny, the left is currently losing their minds over a couple of completely normal texts you sent to your pal Mark Meadows on January Jeanine Pirro, is that right?

Jenny Thomas: It sure is.

Steve Doocy: And now they want the honorable justice to recuse himself. I mean, you’re allowed to speak your mind.

Jenny Thomas: Yes. And I don’t want any trouble. I take my duty as the Yoko Ono of the Supreme Court very seriously. All I want is a tidal wave of biblical vengeance to wash away the Biden crime family all the way to get well, and then we release the kraken.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, well, that is terrific.

Steve Doocy: Uh-huh. Justice Thomas, she doesn’t talk to you about this stuff though, right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. Some say yes, some say no.

Steve Doocy: Well, Justice T, it’s so great to have someone here who isn’t afraid to tell us what he really thinks.

Clarence Thomas: Who?

Steve Doocy: Well, you of course, sir.

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. You’re crazy, man.

Ainsley Earhardt: Alright. Great. Well, thank you both so much. Now later this afternoon on Fox, it’s The Five, let’s check in with co-host judge Jeanine Pirro to see what’s in store.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Hello, my only friends. Later on The Five, Disney has an exciting new project, turning your kindergartner gay. Last week, Governor DeSantis signed a bill protecting our precious Florida schools from America’s dangerous Ellen’s and Caitlin’s. By the way, Caitlyn Jenner, welcome to the Fox News family. Now, well, Disney won’t stop until all of Disney World is packed with twinkerbells, Cinder fellas and that gay Mr. Toad.

Then representative Madison Cawthorn. Oh, Madison, you had me at white supremacy. You lost me at arching. And Kyle Rittenhouse to abuse his new cookbook, coming up on The Five.

[Cut back to the show set. Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas have left.]

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much. Judge. That sounds terrific as always.

Jeanine Pirro: You bet. [Opens up a can of beer and drinks] Salut.

[Cut back to the show set]

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, love that. Now this is exciting. I’m hearing we actually have a surprise on the line. Am I correct?

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh-oh. Is he here? Hello? Mr. President. Are you on FaceTime?

Donald Trump: If you build it, I will come. Hello, friends. Can you see me?

Steve Doocy: Mr. President? Wow, what a treat. Thanks for fitting us into your busy schedule.

Donald Trump: Oh very busy, Steve, here at Mar-a-Lago with the golf for the wedding receptions and getting gloves of bacon with dogs at breakfast bar.

Brian Kilmeade: Well, so much to discuss but I gotta ask sir, Did you see the famous slap?

Donald Trump: You know, I did see slap. I enjoyed slap. I was very impressed by Hitch. Quite an arm on Hitch. I always knew Hitch had an arm. Back in pursuit of happiness, he’s lugging the machine on and off the subway. I thought it was great. They slept in the bathroom in that movie. It’s so sad. It’s so sad. But it’s a sad day for Hitch too. It’s a very sad. That kind of behavior is not gonna help Kevin James get a date with [gibberish]

Brian Kilmeade: Absolutely, Amen to that sir.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now sir, the January sixth committee hearing is gearing up to make all sorts of claims. So let’s just put this to rest. Did you commit a coup, sir?

Donald Trump: No, no. You know what? There was no coup. It was an event, perhaps a take back event a coup perhaps. But I don’t like coup. I just don’t like coup. I don’t like the P at the end of coup. I think you should take that P and push it. Well, pushing P. Of course if you take off P from coup, you have cow which goes moo, which you know perhaps that’s where they get coup. But Doo-ku-who-do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the bay. But yes, in many ways it wasn’t intentional planned coup. Yes.

Ainsley Earhardt: Right. Okay.

Steve Doocy: But they’re saying there’s this seven hour gap and Whitehouse call logs that day. I mean, you didn’t use a burner phone, did you sir?

Donald Trump: No, not true. Never use burner phone except for perhaps January 6 during that seven. I couldn’t even tell you what a burner phone looks like. Honestly, I was too busy with phone call and burner phone and coup.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, gotcha. But let’s be real sir. The left wants to paint January 6 as some violent revolution. It wasn’t.

Donald Trump: Could have been, should have been, maybe. Violent is perhaps. They used to do violent all the time. You line up the opponents, you go bang-bang-bang, shoot them dead. So easy. So many problems. So many problems. You shoot them dead with a big fat beautiful uncircumcised gun. Now that’s what I call a coup. Hey, by the way, did you hear this? I got it all in one? Did anybody hear that?

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Yes! Yes!

Ainsley Earhardt: Congrats sir. Please tell us about it.

Donald Trump: You know I’d love to, but my phone is getting very, very hot to the touch right now?

Brian Kilmeade: You’ve got True Social, sir.

Donald Trump: Yes indeed. True Social, the only app with a smell.

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much, sir. We’ll be right back. And…

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Kyle and Friends

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Kyle walking by the empty streets]

Kyle: So, it’s been a year of this. We have missed out on so much. It just made me think a lot about the relationships I have. Specially here at SNL. So, maybe it’s time I put myself out there a little more.

[Kyle knocking Michael Che’s door]

Michael: [opening the door] What’s up pal?

Kyle: Hey, Che. Thanks for getting the door.

Michael: Yeah.

Kyle: First off, I just want to say sorry if I’ve been like, awkward for the past seven and half years.

Michael: Oh, no. I mean, we’re fine.

Kyle: Ah, cool. And sometimes I feel like I make you and everyone here uncomfortable.

Michael: Um, no. You cool.

Kyle: Well, anyway, you’re so dope. Update’s amazing. And you and Jost are the perfect team.

Michael: Thanks man. I appreciate that.

Kyle: Do you like me?

Michael: What? Yeah, sure.

Kyle: You do? Alright. Thanks, Che. [talking to the camera] Looks like I got my first friend at SNL.

[Kyle walks to Bowen Yang at the dressing room]

Bowen, dude, you are killing it on the show. All the wigs and crazy ass voices.

Bowen: Thanks, Kyle.

Kyle: Quick question. Do you think I’m a loser?

Bowen: No.

Kyle: What? Dang! It’s going down!

[Kyle slaps Bowen’s butt]

Bowen: Kyle?

Kyle: Sorry about that. [celebrating]

Alright, this is amazing. Like dude, I have two friends now. But why stop there? What do you say we cue that rock music?

[Kyle walks to Mikey day and Ego Nwodim]

Hey, hey, the crew. Wad up, players? Got some like, dumb random gifts for you guys coz that’s kind of who I be. Mikey, I remember you mentioning you had a son. I thought you’d dig this.

[Kyle passes Mikey a toy]

Mikey: Oh. I mean, he’s eight. But…

Kyle: Do you remember our characters from the game night sketch with Daniel Craig, Eric and Lisa?

Ego: I don’t think we had names.

Kyle: I made about 100 t-shirts. [Kyle shows Ego a t-shirt. It has a print of them from the sketch.] One’s for you and the rest are for your family.  So anyway, I got that rum that Lil’ Wayne gave us three years ago. Kind of having a little Valentine’s day kickback. Not romantic or nothing. Just the homies.

[Kyle slaps on Mikey’s butt and jumps to slap on Ego’s butt.]

Ego: Don’t spank me.

Kyle: There you go. Alright, see you guys at eight.

[Kyle knocks on a door and opens it]

Hello, Lorne?

Lorne: Kyle, go away.

Kyle: You know the deal. Lil’ Wayne rum. Valentine’s hang.

Lorne: I don’t like you.

Kyle: Sure, Lorne. [closes the door] Oh, I got a work to do.

[Kyle decorates his place for Valentine’s party. No one has showed up.]

I guess rehearsal is going on long. No worries.

[Regina King knocks and enters]

Regina: Hey, Kyle.

Kyle: Hah! Hey. When the host comes to party, you know it’s on.

Regina: Actually, I came because some of the cast members, they’re telling me you’re making them feel pretty uncomfortable. Putting them on the spot, asking them if they like you, spanking them. Look, I like you, Kyle. But if you don’t want to be a loser, you’re going to have to stop acting like one. Make sense?

Kyle: Sure. Hey Regina, have a good show. [Regina walks out] And break a leg.

[Cut to Regina and Ego talking at the hallway.]

Regina: Yeah, it was sad. Did you get one of these Valentine’s goodie bags?

Ego: Yeah. SNL playing cards.

[Kyle is paying someone to break Regina’s leg. The man runs to Regina and hits her leg.]

Regina: Ah!

Ego: Regina, are you okay?

Regina: Why? Why?

Kyle: [running to Regina] Oh no. I guess I’ll have to host. And as you know, everybody wants to be friends with the host.

Regina: Wait a minute. Yeah. I think I’m going to be okay.

Kyle: Well, I’m [bleep]. I guess it’s my turn to get spanked. [Kyle opens his pants and gets ready to get spanked.]

Ego: Oh, Kyle!

Regina: [looking away] Um-umm. Um-umm.

Kyle: Sorry.

Wedding Friends

Priest… Alex Moffat

Mother… Punkie Johnson

Dan Levy

Kate McKinnon

Carey… Ego Nwodim.

Mark… Mikey Day

[Starts with a couple getting their wedding ceremony done.]

Priest: With a solid foundation, you’ve decided to take the oath of marriage. Mark, Carrey, let us celebrate your joys. You begin your lives together. Now, for the family blessing, who gives this bride today?

Mother: [sobbing with happiness] I do.

Priest: Wonderful. If anyone has cause to object to the forming of this union or forever hold your peace.

[Dan and Kate stand]

Dan: Carey!

Kate: Carey!

Dan: Carey, we just wanted to take this opportunity to say you’re amazing.

Kate: Um-hmm. Carey, you’re such a rockstar.

Dan: And that’s it.

Carey: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. What?

Mark: Yeah. What was that?

Dan: Oh my god.

Kate: Oh, I’m sorry. Nothing.

Dan: We just wanted to make sure you knew right now that you are one of the best people.

Kate: Yep. And you deserve also the best.

Carey: Okay. Is this an objection?

Dan and Kate: No. No.

Dan: Nothing about him.

Kate: No.

Dan: Just sort of like, Mark is great. And he’s great.

Kate: Um-hmm. It’s just like– Well, Mark wise, it’s sort of like– No, he’s good. He’s good.

Mark: Mark wise what?

Carey: Yeah. I’m really not sure what you’re saying.

[Dan and Kate looking at each other]

Dan: What are we saying?

Kate: Yeah. What are we saying? We just wanted to ask I guess if there was anything that you wanted to talk to us about.

Dan: Yeah. Are you good?

Carey: Yeah. This is my wedding.

Dan: Okay.

Kate: Go.

Dan: Lock it down.

Kate: Yeah, you better get that.

Carey: Okay. Thank you guys.

Kate: And a random question.

Dan: So random.

Kate: Does your– Does your mom like him?

Carey: What? I mean, I think so. I mean, she’s right there.

Mother: Umm, young woman’s wedding day, it’s all about her and her thoughts and not what her mother doesn’t like.

Carey: Mom, come on.

Mark: I’m sorry. Do I suck somehow?

Carey: Okay. You know, whatever this is, why are you all just bringing it up now?

Dan: You know what? You’re right. We should have done this last night but we got like, really, really scary drunk at the rehearsal dinner.

Kate: When I don’t drink wine, I drink faster.

Mark: Yeah. You guys shoved my dad.

Carey: Okay. Let’s just get this over with. Do you not like Mark?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] No.

Carey: Do you think that I should be with someone different?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] No.

Carey: Do you think I’m settling?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] Y– No.

Carey: Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] Y– No.

Carey: Okay. Well, I’m gonna get married now.

Dan: Thank god!

Carey: So, we’re gonna do the vows.

Dan: Begging for it.

Priest: Wonderful. Mark and Carey have decided to write their own vows. Mark, would you like to start?

Mark: Yes. Carey, first watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S. together.

[texting sound]

Carey: [looking at Dan and Kate] Okay, I know you are texting each other about this and I know you know how to turn that sound off.

Dan: Oh, so sorry.

Kate: Sorry, we’re good.

Mark: I knew you were my lobster. [texting sound] You’re my person. [texting sound] As my personal hero, Meredyth Grey says– [texting sound] [looking at Dan and Kate] Okay, that’s really loud.

Dan: [whispering to Kate] Meredyth, Grey’s Anatomy’s fan? What a regret.

Kate: No. I just sent that to you.

Mark: Okay, guys. Stop. Okay, look, I know you don’t like me. Carey is amazing and yes, she’s probably too good for me. But at least I tell her how I feel and I say what I mean. And maybe that’s what she likes about me. You guys talk in mean little riddles.

Dan: Okay. Rail me, daddy.

Kate: Okay. I’m actually now fully horny and I’m going to try to cheat on you with me. Okay?

Mark: I don’t care what you two think.

Dan and Kate: [blushing] Mark!

Dan: Mark is hot.

Kate: Mark is hot. Oh my god.

Dan: Congratulations you guys. We love this now.

Kate: Yay!

FOX & Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Alex Moffat

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Brian Kilmeade… Beck Bennett

Hope Hicks… Cecily Strong

Louis Farrakhan… Chris Redd

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with FOX & friends intro]

Female voice: You’re watching FOX & friends.

[Cut to Steve, Ainsley and Brian in their set] [cheers and applause]

Steve: Good morning. I’m Steve Big Poppa Doocy. That’s Ainsley  and Brian.

Brian: Howdy?

Ainsley: Hello. [Cut to Ainsley] We want to say a big hello to all our fans out there, whether you’re fixing your breakfast or getting dressed for work or laying in the Lincoln bedroom

tweeting with an egg mug muffin on your chest, hello.

[Cut to all]

Brian: Yes, you.

Steve: Yes, indeed. [Cut to Steve] Now, coming up, we’ll show you more from our trip to Washington DC where we sit on different balconies and point at Trump hotels. But first, that FinCEN memo is out and it is a bombshell. Um, here to comment is White House communications director, Hope Hicks.

[Cut to Hope in her office]

Hope: Hi everyone. We love the show over here at the White House. It’s playing at full volume during every meeting.

[Cut to split screen with Hope and Brian]

Brian: Now, Hope, this is so exciting. Two years ago, you were a 26 year old former model working for Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. But now, you’re White House communications director.

[Cut to Hope]

Hope: Sure. If you say so. There are no real jobs here. You know? Everyday feels like when a group of strangers suddenly work together to push a beached whale back into the sea

[Cut to split screen with Hope and Steve]

Steve: Well, Hope, this memo proves that the FBI is totally out of control. I hope they don’t drag you into this mess. You seem like an honorable young woman.

Hope: I know. [Cut to Hope] People are treating me like I’m the gossip girl of the White House. But even if a certain White House IT boy did get a little chatty with some Russian hunks, you wouldn’t hear about it from me. Xoxo. [winks] [Cut to FOX News set]

Steve: Thanks, Hope. Well, the resignation of Andrew McCabe is another chapter of an FBI interim oil.

Brian: It’s a mess over there. [Cut to Brian] Deep state stuff. It’s disgusting. [laughing] Luckily for us, one man has been warning people for years about this and he’s not a partisan politician. He’s a minister. His name is Louis Farrakhan and he joins us now.

[Louis is sitting beside them. He is wearing a suit and a bow tie.]

Louis: Thank you Steve, Brian, Ainsley. I’m surprised to be on your show.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I don’t know much about you but you’re a guy who was telling the truth about the FBI before any of us. What is going on over there?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Ha-ha. Yes, the FBI are next Vipers and Devils, whispering, plotting, spying but believe me when I say this. Their day of retribution is coming for as a man sow with, the same shall he also reap. That’s god.

[Cut to all]

Brian: That’s a great take. That’s a great take.

Ainsley: Mr. Farrakhan, this bow tie is so great, giving Tucker Carlson some competition.

[all laughing]

Louis: Ha-ha-ha. I do not know who that is.

Ainsley: Now, if the FBI can go after the president, aren’t you worried that they might come after you?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Oh, no. I do not fear that for god is justice and he is on the rise.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ainsley: That’s right.

Brian: I am digging this. I am digging this.

Louis: And if retribution pleases god then all of y’all are going to die.

[Cut to all]

Brian: Absolutely.

Louis: Every white person in this room. [pointing at them] You. And you. And even bubble head you.

Brian: Yeah.

Ainsley: Okay.

Brian: Love this guy. Fist bump.

Louis: No, white man. Hell, no.

Steve: I got you. [Steve and Brian do the fist bump]

Ainsley: Thank you. Thank you.

[Louis stands and walks away]

You know what? Hold on. I’m told we’re getting a special call. He’s on the line.

[Cut to Donald Trump in his bedroom. He is talking on phone.]

Donald Trump: It’s me. Good morning Ainsley, Steve and Brian. [cheers and applause] [Cut to FOX News set]

Ainsley: Oh, my god. President Trump? How are you?

Brian: Hey, big guy.

Steve: Sir, it is such an honor. thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule.

[Cut to Donald Trump. He is breathing heavy.]

Donald Trump: Yes. I’m so busy. And if you’re wondering why I’m so out of breath, it’s because I’m doing my P-90 morning exercises right now. [Donald Trump pulls a burger and takes a bite.] But I’m saving the economy, destroying ISIS and right now I’m getting my daily intelligence briefing.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Oh! Um, from who?

[Cut to Louis]

Donald Trump: From you guys. Thanks so much. The show is so great. Huge ratings. Of course not as big as the ratings from my State of the Union speech which was watched by 10 billion people, including all of Gina (China). Now, they say there’s only 7 billion people on earth, so where did the other 3 billion come from? Illegals? I don’t know.

[Cut to Ainsley]

Ainsley: Okay, Mr. President, can I say your speech was maybe the best speech in the history in this country?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Ainsley. I’m gonna tweet that right now. Boom, tweeted. Mega! You know, a lot of folks are saying including Paul Ryan that it was better than Martin Luther King’s “I dream of Genie” speech. Isn’t it amazing what’s happening? Senator Orrin Hatch said I’m the single greatest president ever. And this is Orrin Hatch people! The hottest guy in congress saying I’m better than Lincoln or Washington or anyone else in the country’s history.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Or, even the world. I’ve heard better than Ceasar.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean I make buildings. That guy just made salads. No contest. But guys, this memo might be the greatest memo since the declaration of independence. I don’t know. I haven’t read either one of them. And Devin Nunes, I love that guy. My sweet little house elf. So close. So close to earning his freedom. His memo proves that the FBI is biased and they have a history of this, folks. Okay? The history. [Donald Trump drinks soda out of can using straw] Biased against Richard Nixon. They were biased against John Gotti. Biased against Dillinger. Dillinger! I can’t figure that out. And they’re biased against me. Now, can I ask you all a question? Okay?

[Cut to FOX News set]

Brian: Sure.

Steve: Go ahead.

Ainsley: Anything.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Whose State of the Union that 10 billion people watched it?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: Your’s.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Who is the most innocent guy in the whole wide world?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

Ainsley: You are, sir.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: One more time?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I can’t hear you.

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

Ainsley: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Ah! Daddy needed that. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Putin’s Best Friends from Growing Up Return

Michael Che

Vanessa Bayer

Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: US intelligence officials now believe that Vladimir Putin personally oversaw the cyber attack on the democrats before the election. Here to defend them are Vladimir Putin’s best friends from growing up.

[Michael Che and Fred slide in]

Vanessa: Thank you.

Michael Che: So, Putin hacked into our electoral system, and that’s got to be a new low in diplomacy. But you guys are best friends with him?

Fred: Oh, he is the best.

Vanessa: Yeah, we love him. He’s like, a great leader.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: He has been leading for a long time. He’s focused, He’s disciplined.

Vanessa: Yeah, he’s such a hard worker. [soft voice] I will say he can be pretty petty. Okay, so he has this holiday party and on the invite, it says in bold letter, it says, “No gifts please.” So we show up and he goes, “Arriving empty handed, are we?” “You said no gifts!”

Fred: [soft voice] So, like, he points to us, right? With his thumb. And he rolls his eyes. Right? He turns to the room and he goes, “These cheapskates are here, hide your purses.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] first of all, that not only implies that we are cheap, but that we steal?

Fred: [soft voice] It said on the invitation not to bring anything.

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having a hard to hearing you guys. I mean, are you saying that he turns on people?

Vanessa: [normal voice] No, no, no. We love him. He’s like, our best friend. He’s so unique.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: Like, he loves retro things. He collects fun vintage sodas. He’s like a nerd.

Vanessa: He’s such a nerd about it.

Fred: I will say [soft voice] he is very weird about money and then he keeps saying he’s not weird about money. So I’m like, “Why are you bringing it up?” So, walking to the party, okay.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Okay, first thing, he goes, “Hey, can you guys play some music? Because I dind’t want to shell out money for a DJ.” We go, “What?”

Fred: [soft voice] So… why are we working at your party?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah, you’re gonna make us work at your party?

Fred: [soft voice] Like, Russia can get you a DJ, you know?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah.

Fred: [soft voice] So he comes around, he’s like, “Okay, hey everyone.” Goes out and comes back and, “We got a t-shirt for everyone. Merry Christmas.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re like flimsy.

Fred: [soft voice] And like itchy.

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re all the same size. So I got up to him and say, “Can I have a smaller size?” And he goes, “No, it was cheaper just to order all size larges.”

Fred: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president of a major nation.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president.

Fred: [soft voice] Get different sizes!

Vanessa: [soft voice] Splurge. And he says, “Sorry it doesn’t fit. Maybe you can put it over your face when you go on a date.”

Fred: [soft voice] What is your problem?

Vanessa: [soft voice] You’re gonna invited us and then you’re gonna insult us? What?

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Alright, wait. First off, you’ve got to speak up. Please. I can’t hear. Also, do you understand how serious these accusations against Putin are? I mean he’s literally threatening the American political system.

Fred: [normal voice] I mean, honestly, he’s very dedicated, He’s strong, He’s brave. And Michael, he’s a fan of you.

Vanessa: He loves you.

Fred: He loves you.

Vanessa: He really says such nice things about you.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: [soft voice] So, we go to the party. And we just say, “You know what? We’re going to head out.” Let me take off.

Vanessa: [soft voice] He goes, “You guys had a problem with me as soon as you walked in here. You didn’t ask me how my day was.”

Fred: [soft voice] “I have been dealing with all the hacking stuff, and Siberia is so cold.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] “So cold.”

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Okay. I can barely hear you. But it sounds like you don’t actually like Putin.

Fred: [normal voice] No, it’s just that it’s very complicated.

Vanessa: It’s kind of like how you feel about Colin Jost.

Michael Che: Oh, no, no, no, no. I love Colin. [soft voice] I will say that [starts whispering with Vanessa and Fred]

Vanessa and Fred: Michael Che, everyone!

Weekend Update Rachael Invites Colin to Central Perk

Colin Jost

Rachael… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This month, NBC will air it’s special. The features are reunion of the cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Here to comment is Rachael from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

[Rachael slides in]

Oh, my god. This is incredible. You know, it’s so great see you Rachael.

Rachael: Oh, Colin. Oh, hi. [Cut to Rachael] Hi. Oh! [Michael Che laughing] Wow! Yeah! Yes.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You know Rachael, I gotta say I haven’t seen you since the 90s’ probably. How have you been?

Rachael: What? Oh, yeah! [Cut to Rachael] Yeah, I’ve been. Yeah, I’ve been good. I’ve been good. Yeah.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Good. Good. So are you excited to see all your friends again?

Rachael: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Rachael] You know. Joey, Chandler, Phoebs, Mon, and of course, you know, Ross. Yeah.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s all of them.

Rachael: Yeah. You know, I’m seeing them tonight. [Cut to Rachael] Phoebs is playing the show at Central Perk and then we’re all gonna jump in the fountain with umbrellas. Yeah. Oh, you know, you should come. Oh, I’ll see you there.

[cut to a very short clip used in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for scene cuts with nostalgic music] [Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost in the Weekend Update set. Rachael is speaking on the phone.]

Yeah, okay bye.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What just happened?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Oh yeah. Yeah, that happens to me every few minutes. Yeah. It’s weird. Yeah. I don’t know. It’s weird. Oh! Speaking of which, [Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost] hey, what’s that?

Colin Jost: What’s what? Where? Oh, that is Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: She’s on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. She has never seen a black person, Colin!

[Cut to Rachael, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Rachael: Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, why don’t you both come over tonight. [Cut to Rachael] Phoebs is gonna bring her new boyfriend and he’s not gonna fit in. I’ll see you there. Yeah!

[cut to a very short clip used in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for scene cuts with nostalgic music] [Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost in the Weekend Update set. Rachael is playing with a baby.]

Oh, shh!

Colin Jost: Wait! Now you have a baby?

Rachael: Oh, yeah. Yeah, sometimes yeah.

[Rachael passes the baby away]

Colin Jost: Rachael, okay. Is it me or do you always sound surprised by everything?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: What? Oh, yeah. Well, what? Okay. Well, I don\t– Okay. What? Yeah. Huh?

[F.R.I.E.N.D.S. song playing]

Colin Jost: Rachael everyone.

[The End]