Amy Schumer Mother Knows Best

Paul… Pete Davidson

Shelby McAllister… Amy Schumer

Summer… Cecily Strong

Jackie… Aidy Bryant

Mason… Chris Redd

Shanile… Leslie Jones

Christopher… Mikey Day

Abissaleth… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “Game Show Network” intro.]

Female voice: You’re watching “Game Show Network.”

[Cut to game stage. The contestants are waiting for the host.]

Male voice: It’s “Mother Knows Best” where moms and their teams team up to win cash. Here’s your hostess with the mostest, Shelby McAllister.

[Shelby walks in]

Shelby: Thank you. Thank you and welcome to “Mother Knows Best.” I’m your host, Shelby. I’m a YouTube sketch comedian and a serious genuine singer. Okay, to find out what our teams are playing for today, let’s check in with our announcer cutie pie Paul.

Paul: Hmm. Please don’t call me that. Just ‘Paul’ please. Our teams are playing for a grand prize of $10,000. And again, just Paul.

Shelby: Hmm, thank you cutie pie Paul. Okay, let’s meet today’s teams. From Fountain Valley, California, 17 year old Summer and her mom Jackie.

Summer: My mom can be really strict.

Jackie: Oh, and if we don’t win today, she’s grounded.

Shelby: From Tempe, Arizona, it’s 16 year old Mace and his mom Shanile.

Mason: My mom says raising kids is full time job.

Shanile: And today, I plan on getting that $10,000 raise.

Shelby: And from Fortress-of-the-Lamb, Pennsylvania, a close community of friends, it’s 17 year old John Christopher and his mom Abissaleth.

Christopher: My mom is my best friend.

Abissaleth: My son is my life. [Christopher and Abissaleth hug closely] He is of me.

Shelby: Awesome! Awesome! Before the show, we asked our teams questions about their moms. If their moms’ answers match up, they get 50 points. First question. Teams, what’s something you do that drives your mom crazy?

Summer: Oh, ma’am, this is easy. My mom hates when I chew my hair.

Jackie: Oh, yeap. I said “Chewing her darn hair.” [showing board with the same thing written.] [right answer bell]

Shelby: Correct. 50 points on the board. Christopher, what’s something you do that annoys your mom?

[Christopher and Abissaleth are holing hands]

Christopher: [giggling] Sometimes in the morning, I wake up before she does and I get up out of our bed. And when she wakes up, she won’t know I’m there.

Shelby: Did you say our bed? Mom, show us your answer.

Abissaleth: I said, [showing her written board] “Leaving our bed early and making mommy worry.”

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Yes, you did. Correct. You got 50 points.

[Christopher and Abissaleth hug very closely and tightly again]

Abissaleth: [singing] [Christopher and Abissaleth kiss on lips softly.]

Shelby: Cool. Cool. Okay. On to Mason and his mom. Mason, what drives your mom nuts?

[Mason and Shanile are still shocked]

Mason: [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] Um, they’re still going. [Christopher and Abissaleth are still kissing]

Shelby: Okay. Alright.

Abissaleth: We won the points.

Shelby: Okay, we’re done with that. We’re done with that. So, no more of that. Okay. Mason, what drives your mom crazy?

Mason: Um, when I play my music real loud. She hates that.

Shanile: What? I said “When you wear one of those dumb hats.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, yikes! No points. Okay, after one round, we got Summer and Jackie with 50 points, Mason and Shanile with 0, and John Christopher and Abissaleth with 50 points.

[Christopher is brushing Abissaleth’s hair.]

Close game so far, huh, cutie pie Paul?

Paul: Please, just call me Paul.

Shelby: We’ll see. Second question, and we’ll start with John Christopher. What’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Christopher: Oh, that’s easy. That I’ll meet a woman and get married one day.

Abissaleth: Yes, I put [shows her written card] “That a woman whose menarche has come will ensnare him, leaving me to perish in my loneliness and filth, alone, alone, alooooone. Also, lyme disease.”

Shelby: I really don’t want to give that answer points, but that’s 50 points.

[right answer bell] [Abissaleth starts singing and then Christopher and Abissaleth kiss again.]

Shelby: Okay. Okay. Okay. And my producers are asking that you limit your songs to no songs. Alright, Summer, what’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Summer: Oh, um, probably spiders.

Jackie: Oh, shoot. I said [showing her written card] I said that “My husband and I will get into one of our loud fights in front of her friends.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, oh! No points. I hear you though. My mom and dad would fight all the time. My dad was not afraid of a drink. Let’s go to Mason and Shanile.

Shanile: Ah, we forfeit. We can’t beat these two. [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] They kissing on the lip. Look at them. Look.

[Christopher is sitting on Abissaleth’s lap. Abissaleth is caressing his thighs.]

Shelby: Yeah. Yeah. No one’s gonna beat them. I don’t think they’ve ever slept in separate rooms. Okay, we’ve got to take a quick break before round two.

Christopher: Well, will I have time for restroom?

Abissaleth: And will I have time to help him in there? Coz he can’t aim.

Shelby: Oh, my god! We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update- Putin’s Best Friends from Growing Up Return

Michael Che

Vanessa Bayer

Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: US intelligence officials now believe that Vladimir Putin personally oversaw the cyber attack on the democrats before the election. Here to defend them are Vladimir Putin’s best friends from growing up.

[Michael Che and Fred slide in]

Vanessa: Thank you.

Michael Che: So, Putin hacked into our electoral system, and that’s got to be a new low in diplomacy. But you guys are best friends with him?

Fred: Oh, he is the best.

Vanessa: Yeah, we love him. He’s like, a great leader.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: He has been leading for a long time. He’s focused, He’s disciplined.

Vanessa: Yeah, he’s such a hard worker. [soft voice] I will say he can be pretty petty. Okay, so he has this holiday party and on the invite, it says in bold letter, it says, “No gifts please.” So we show up and he goes, “Arriving empty handed, are we?” “You said no gifts!”

Fred: [soft voice] So, like, he points to us, right? With his thumb. And he rolls his eyes. Right? He turns to the room and he goes, “These cheapskates are here, hide your purses.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] first of all, that not only implies that we are cheap, but that we steal?

Fred: [soft voice] It said on the invitation not to bring anything.

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having a hard to hearing you guys. I mean, are you saying that he turns on people?

Vanessa: [normal voice] No, no, no. We love him. He’s like, our best friend. He’s so unique.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: Like, he loves retro things. He collects fun vintage sodas. He’s like a nerd.

Vanessa: He’s such a nerd about it.

Fred: I will say [soft voice] he is very weird about money and then he keeps saying he’s not weird about money. So I’m like, “Why are you bringing it up?” So, walking to the party, okay.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Okay, first thing, he goes, “Hey, can you guys play some music? Because I dind’t want to shell out money for a DJ.” We go, “What?”

Fred: [soft voice] So… why are we working at your party?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah, you’re gonna make us work at your party?

Fred: [soft voice] Like, Russia can get you a DJ, you know?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah.

Fred: [soft voice] So he comes around, he’s like, “Okay, hey everyone.” Goes out and comes back and, “We got a t-shirt for everyone. Merry Christmas.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re like flimsy.

Fred: [soft voice] And like itchy.

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re all the same size. So I got up to him and say, “Can I have a smaller size?” And he goes, “No, it was cheaper just to order all size larges.”

Fred: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president of a major nation.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president.

Fred: [soft voice] Get different sizes!

Vanessa: [soft voice] Splurge. And he says, “Sorry it doesn’t fit. Maybe you can put it over your face when you go on a date.”

Fred: [soft voice] What is your problem?

Vanessa: [soft voice] You’re gonna invited us and then you’re gonna insult us? What?

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Alright, wait. First off, you’ve got to speak up. Please. I can’t hear. Also, do you understand how serious these accusations against Putin are? I mean he’s literally threatening the American political system.

Fred: [normal voice] I mean, honestly, he’s very dedicated, He’s strong, He’s brave. And Michael, he’s a fan of you.

Vanessa: He loves you.

Fred: He loves you.

Vanessa: He really says such nice things about you.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: [soft voice] So, we go to the party. And we just say, “You know what? We’re going to head out.” Let me take off.

Vanessa: [soft voice] He goes, “You guys had a problem with me as soon as you walked in here. You didn’t ask me how my day was.”

Fred: [soft voice] “I have been dealing with all the hacking stuff, and Siberia is so cold.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] “So cold.”

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Okay. I can barely hear you. But it sounds like you don’t actually like Putin.

Fred: [normal voice] No, it’s just that it’s very complicated.

Vanessa: It’s kind of like how you feel about Colin Jost.

Michael Che: Oh, no, no, no, no. I love Colin. [soft voice] I will say that [starts whispering with Vanessa and Fred]

Vanessa and Fred: Michael Che, everyone!