Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Joe Manchin at left top corner.]
The Biden Administration’s climate plan is likely to be dropped from the budget bill after senator Joe Manchin refused to support it. But you know what? I’m not going to let some bad climate news ruin this beautiful 80 degree October day. Manchin who is from West Virginia said he would only agree to Biden’s bill if it cuts clean energy and officially makes coal one of the five food groups.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A new report shows that president Biden is on average 22 minutes late for public events. Worse, he only does it to appeal black voters.[Picture changes to Kyrie Irving]
The Brooklyn Nets have benched star player Kyrie Irving from the team until he’s finally vaccinated and as a New York sports fan, I hope this decision finally forces Kyrie to do the right thing and buy a fake vaccination card.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of world map at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Logistical delays caused by worker shortages and covid outrages have doubled the time it takes for some products to get from Asia to the US. Now, this might sound crazy, but could we use bats? Because last time bats carried something, it got everywhere real quick. Pro-bat crowd?[Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg]
Transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg is criticized for remaining on paternity leave with his husband and twin babies while supply chain problems threatened the holiday shopping season. Said conservatives, “See, you let gay couples have kids and god cancels Christmas.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A new study shows that coronavirus can cause infertility in men. See, so it’s not all bad.[Picture changes to a woman carrying American flag.]
At a republican rally in Virginia, attendees resided the national anthem to a flag allegedly used during the Capitol riots. You could tell the flag was from the riots because it was soaked in pepper spray and mountain dew code reck.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jon Gruden at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Raider’s head coach Jon Gruden resigned after the discovery of homophobic, misogynist and racist emails he sent and clearly the emails are indefensible but does anyone want to be judged by their old emails? I mean, if you could see half the emails Che sends me. Actually, I’ll show you one. The subject line is “LISTEN UP HONKY”. And then the body of the email just says “I wish they got you instead of Harambe.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Colin Kaepernick at right top corner.]
Michael Che: So, you did get that one. Colin Kaepernick revealed that he has maintained his 5 AM training regimen in case he gets called back up to the NFL. But the Giants are still going to stick with their current quarterback, a scarecrow on a rumba.