Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a balloon.]
Earlier today, an American fighter jet shot down a suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been spotted crossing the United States officially ending history’s most complicated gender reveal party. And bad news for China, it’s a girl.
[picture changes to China’s map]
Chinese officials condemn the US decision to destroy the surveillance balloon saying it was a civilian aircraft. Okay, but even civilian aircraft can be extremely dangerous. [picture changes to Spirit airlines]
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a book.]
Michael Che: The revised AP African American history class removed the names of several black authors that Florida officials called problematic. Instead, they’ve been replaced with authors they call “One of the good ones.”
[picture changes to George Santos]
Representative George Santos said that he is stepping aside from his committee assignments to prevent being a distraction. He added, “The last thing I want is attention,” then he sashayed away in a feather boa.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of George Santos.]
Colin Jost: It was also reported that George Santos lied to potential campaign donors that he was a producer of the Broadway musical “Spider Man Turn Off the Dark.” Though he did end up working with the Green Goblin. [picture changes to George Santos wearing green dress] Thank you.
[picture changes to Kevin McCarthy]
Speaker The House Kevin McCarthy seen here wanting to know if you or someone you love has been injured in a car accident, met in person with President Biden about the debt ceiling and said they had a good conversation. It went so well, Biden let him pick a couple of classified documents out of the bowl.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]
Michael Che: The FBI searched President Biden’s Delaware beach house but found no classified documents. Also, the next time somebody tells you that Biden got billions from China, remember that his beach house is in Delaware.
[picture changes to Donald Trump]
It was announced that Donald Trump’s golf courses will host three live golf tournaments this year furthering Trump’s ties to Saudi Arabia. That relationship makes sense. I mean, Saudi Arabia needs venues for their golf tournaments and Trump needs oil for that big old dump truck. [picture changes to Donald Trump playing tennis]
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of capitol building.]
Colin Jost: Senate voted to designate January ‘National stalking Awareness Month,’ which is a good reminder that we’re only a few weeks away from stalker’s Christmas. [picture changes to a Valentine’s Day card] To close to home.
[picture changes to a handgun]
Florida has proposed legislation that would allow residents to carry firearms without a permit. Also everyone gets to do one murder.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]
Michael Che: Newly released video of a deposition to New York’s Attorney General’s Office shows former President Trump taking the 5th hundreds of times. Also taking a 5th, his lawyer. [picture changes to Giuliani holding a bottle of liquor]
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’ a picture of LVII Super Bowl logo.]
Colin Jost: For the first time ever, two brothers will be facing off against each other in the Super Bowl. Incidentally, two brothers in the Super Bowl is why my grandfather won’t be watching.
Michael Che: On February, man. Wow.