Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of m&m’s logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: m&ms announced that they’ve redesigned their iconic m&m characters after people requested that the brown m&m not look like a teacher who has sex with their students.
[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Prince Andrew and his ex girlfriend at right top corner.]
Michael Che: In a new documentary, an ex girlfriend of Prince Andrew described Jeffrey Epstein and Julian Maxwell as Batman and Robin,. Come on, what does Batman and Robin have in common with a billionaire that grooms teenagers?
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Wow. Gen Z icon Kyle Rittenhouse is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it. I don’t know. Careful Kyle, trying to get your memorabilia back is how they finally got OJ.
[Picture changes to Bono]
New interview, Bono reveals that he never liked the name U2, adding “I also kind of hate Ireland.”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of
Michael Che: Actor John Voight recently released a video claiming that Abraham Lincoln spirit was guiding Donald Trump. Hopefully not to a theater.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Wheel Of Fortune logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Longtime director of Wheel of Fortune has died at the age of 92. Said Wheel of Fortune viewers, “Wow. So Young.”
[Picture changes to the logo of the new show “Rings of Power”]
Amazon announced that their new “Lord of the Rings” TV series will be called “Rings of Power”, though I’m personally more excited for the spin off “Gollum in Paris”.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a map of Hong Kong and a rat at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for COVID. they had to kill more than Michael Che000 of the pets. Okay, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class! [Picture changes to a group of children being shocked]
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a guitar and a flag of Canada at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A man in Canada stole an $8,000 guitar by hiding it in his pants. Police caught the man when he got an erection and it sounded like this. [rock guitar solo playing]
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Scientists have trained a goldfish to drive a car. They believe it’s the first step to eventually training women.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dwayne The Rock Johnson at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Dwayne Johnson said that a skull of a T-Rex seen behind him during a recent interview was a replica and not the real thing. Johnson also said it’s just a coincidence that his diet calls for 1000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Oldest person in US dies at 115” at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The oldest living person in the United States died this week at the age of Colin JostColin Jost5. It’s a powerful reminder to always test your cocaine for fentanyl.