Forgotten TV Gems Whoops! I Married a Lesbian

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Shae… Kate McKinnon

Tom… Louis C.K.

Mag… Aidy Bryant

Frank.. Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Forgotten TV Gems intro] [Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good afternoon and welcome to Forgotten TV Gems. I am Reese De’What. Today we look back at a ground breaking sitcom from the 1950s that attempted and failed to tackle the sensitive subject matter of homosexuality. Why did it fail? I do not know. That is not why I am here. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. The other day, she asked me to guess what she had done different. And I said, “I don’t know. Took a bath?” Worst date night ever!

Now, let’s watch a scene from what we’ve been talking about. Please enjoy, ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to the movie scene. Shae is cleaning the hall and Tom walks in.]

Tom: Honey, I’m home. What a day. Mr. Parker said I sold the most of anyone.

Shae: Oh, that’s nice dear.

[Tom tries to kiss Shae but Shae walks away without kissing]

Tom: Shae, I didn’t get my kiss.

[They sit on sofa]

Shae: That’s right, Tom. And you’re not getting it from here on out.

Tom: What re you up to?

Shae: I’m a lesbian now. Mag and I have decided. We’re both lesbians.

Tom: Oh, no, you don’t. I won’t have it. You wouldn’t even know how to do it.

Shae: Oh! Well, let’s make a bet. Give Mag and me 48 hours and if we’re good at being lesbians, we get to be it forever.

Tom: Maybe!

Shae: Mag, he said yes.

[Mag walks in with a briefcase in her hand]

Mag: Hot potato!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Part of the problem with the series was that it was written solely by male writers who knew nothing about the social issue the show was based on. Even the show’s creator claimed to have met the lesbian ones, but it was actually just a wooden drug store Indian. Here’s another ill advised moment from ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to Frank and Tom]

Frank: Well, I guess the girls told you that they’re lesbians now.

Tom: Oh, boy! And how? But don’t worry. I have a plan to get them out of that guest bedroom and back into our’s.

Frank: Oh, what have you got in mind?

Tom: Itching powder! I put it all over their twin beds. Any second they’re gonna come running out of that bedroom and scratch on themselves silly.

Frank: And begging to go back with us. Tom, you are a genius.

[Shae and Mag walk in from different direction.]

Shae: Now, what do you want?

Mag: Yeah, what’s this? Itching powder?

Tom: Yeah, it was Frank’s idea.

Frank: So you’d stop being lesbians.

[Cut to Shae and Mag]

Shae: Fat chance. Let’s show them Mag.

[Shae and Mag are just touching their mouths with each other’s. They’re not kissing.] [Cut to everybody] [Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Let’s be clear. We here at Forgotten TV Gems do not hold the same backwards view of gay people. I myself love lesbians. I’m obsessed with them. My sister’s wife taught me how to body surf.

Let us watch the conclusion of the first episode which was also the finale to ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to Shae and Mag. They’re holding each other’s one hand and using other hand to use the vacuum cleaner.]

Shae: Clean as always, my lesbian love.

Mag: I’ll say.

[Tom walks in]

Tom: Maybe you two do make a good lesbians.

Shae: I told you I could do it.

[Frank walks in dressed as a woman]

Frank: Well what about me?

Mag: Frank! Have you gone bananas?

Frank: I’m not Frank. I’m another lesbian girl. Now, give me some sugar mama!

Mag: Nice try, mister.

Tom: I guess I really did marry a lesbian.

[Shae and Tom start kissing passionately]

Shae: Wow, I may be a lesbian but there’s nothing like the love of a good man.

Tom: That’s my girl.

[Cut to Reese De’What]

The ironic thing is that the actor who played Tom later turned out to be a giant homo. [talking to the crew members] Is that okay to say? It’s not? You can’t win! For Forgotten TV Gems, I’m Reese De’What.

[The End]

Office Christmas Party (Amy Adams)

Shy Girl, Kathy… Kate McKinnon

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Tom… Kenan Thompson

Jerry… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Jay Pharoah

Kevin… Beck Bennett

Randy… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with people in a party at office.]

Kathy: Ah! The party is terrible.

Carol: That’s the worst. [Cut to Tom dancing and using his laptop] Tom keeps playing Ghost Busters. [Cut to Jerry, Kathy and Carol] Why would he do that at a holiday party?

Jerry: You know what my Christmas wish is? This party was banging.

[Cut to Pete and Jay walking in from the door. They’re dressed for the party. There’s smoke as in the room as they enter.]

Jay: Did somebody make a wish?

[Cut to everybody]

Jerry: Um, I did.

[Cut to Pete and Jay]

Pete: Well, it’s about to come true.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: What are you guys? Angels or something?

[Cut to Pete and Jay]

Jay: It doesn’t matter.

Pete: Let’s turn this bitch up.

[Hiphop beat drops and the music video begins.]

Pete and Jay: [rapping] Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party

[The people in the office are drinking shots.]

Office Christmas Party
Shy girl from payroll sort of dancing
Office Christmas Party
Jerry and Kathy are hitting it off
Office Christmas Party
Dave did impression of an IT guy and crushed it
Office Christmas Party

Crazy seeing the cleaning lady not in the uniform
Office Christmas Party
Kevin still trying to finish some work
Office Christmas Party
Randy made a slideshow but can’t work the projector
Office Christmas Party
Carol from the media is way too drunk
Office Christmas Party
Carol from the media just jumped into the Christmas tree
Office Christmas Party
Someone control Carol from new media
This is getting out of hand
we love that people are having fun
but do us a favor and just be safe guys
Oh, snap! The boss is making it rain gift cards

[music stops] [Cut to Shy Girl singing Christmas song]

Shy Girl: We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

I’m Becky and I am from payroll. Out!

[Shy girl drops the mic and starts the rapping]

Now let’s get crazy

Pete and Jay: [rapping] Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party
Oh, snap!

[All the employees are partying]

Why is there a goat here?
Office Christmas Party

Jay: What?

Pete and Jay: Peace!

New Paint

Beth… Aidy Bryant

Tom… Beck Bennett

Kristen Stewart

Johnny… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of outside of house] [Cut to inside the house.
[Beth is bringing snacks for Tom and Kristen]

Beth: Now this cheese is a Roquefort and a little bit of jam.

Tom: Yum, thanks sis. We’ve been so busy with the baby. it’s been forever since we’ve been here.

Kristen: Beth, your living room looks amazing. You painted.

Beth: I did.

Tom: Is it Benjamin Moore?

Beth: Benjamin Moore? [Cut to Beth] Baby brother, in this house I only use Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to everyone]

Kristen: Farrow&Ball, I don’t know that.

Beth: Oh, well you should. [Cut to Beth] It’s the high end British paint company that offers unparalleled depth in colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, nice.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Each of their 132 colours colors work beautifully in new homes, both old and new.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: It sounds like you’re saying the word color but with the “U” in it.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, I am. That colour on the baseboard there is named after the fossils often found on the Dorset coast. And the wall colour, well that’s “Nobel blue” named after the Swirling British mists. What a colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Maybe we should try Farrow&Ball.

Tom: yeah, maybe we should. Is it expensive?

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: Well, it’s premium. I mean you’re paying for quality.

Tom: Yeah, but how much is it, like $50 a gallon?

Kristen: No, that’s crazy, it’s just paint.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: This is not just paint. It’s Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Well, how much is it, Beth? $60?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: It’s $110 a gallon.

[Cut to everybody]

Tom: What! $110 for a can of paint, are you insane?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No, I’m not insane.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: How much did it cost to paint this room, $800?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, you have to have the special primer, the brushes, and the factor in the shipping and the labour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: They ship the paint? How much is that?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, you can’t just buy it anywhere. Look at the depth of colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: You can’t afford this, Charlotte. You are an out of work day bartender.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Wrong, I’m an aspiring estate manager.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: What is an estate manager?

Tom: She thinks she’s going to find a rich person and just live in their house. You are living in a dream world and you’ve painted it in that Jack Ass million dollar paint.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Don’t touch it! You’ll ruin it.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: You can’t touch the paint?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No. The finish is delicate. Once it’s touched, it must be redone.

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: Do you have any of the money mom left you?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No.

Tom: No?

Beth: I don’t mean no. I mean I don’t know.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Don’t you rent this house?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: So? What does that mean?

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: It means you going to have to paint it back whatever colour– Now I’m saying it.

[Cut to everybody]

Kristen: Everyone just calm down.

Beth: He just wants me to live in Squalour.

[Johnny walks in]

Johnny: Can you guys all keep it down a little? I’m trying to sleep a little.

Tom: Who is this?

Beth: This is my friend.

Johnny: Johnny.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Are you sleeping with him?

[Cut to Beth and Johnny]

Beth: Of course. We met on Facebook marketplace.

Johnny: Just a little quiet, you guys.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, my god. What is your life?

Kristen: Beth, we’re not mad, just a little worried about you.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Oh, don’t you effing judge me right now.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Beth, I know we haven’t always gotten along, but we haven’t been around much because of the baby.

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: The baby’s not even his.

Tom: What?

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Beth, that’s not what we’re talking about right now, we’re talking about Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: I’m not talking about Farrow&Ball anymore. I’m talking about how that baby has your trainer’s eyes.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Are you drunk?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Yes! I was good for the first couple of minute buy yes, I am drunk. Now tell him.

[Cut to everybody]

Kristen: Beth!

Beth: Tell him. Look in his eyes, Tom.

Kristen: No, no, he’s sleeping, don’t look at his eyes.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Look at the colour of his eyes.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, my god, oh, my god.

Kristen: You’re dead.

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: Oh, you want to go, let’s go. Just don’t bump into the paint or you’ll ruin it.

[Beth and Kristen start fighting]

Tom: Go for it, Beth.

Female voice: Farrow&Ball, each colour tells a story.

State Meeting | Season 44 Episode 12

Kenan

Glen… Pete Davidson

Tom… Beck Bennett

Barbara… Cecily Strong

Phil… Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Halsey

[Starts with a clip of Virginia State Capitol]

Kenan: All right, so we’re all in agreement that the lieutenant [Cut to Kenan speaking] governor should be encouraged to step down? [Cut to everybody nodding their heads agreeing] All right. Then it’s settled. [Cut to Kenan] One more quick thing before we get out of here. As you all know, earlier this week our governor admitted to wearing blackface in college as part of a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] Then later the Attorney General [Cut to Kenan] also admitted to wearing blackface in college for a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] It’s extremely [Cut to Kenan] embarrassing to the state and as chair of the ethics committee I have to ask, has anybody else worn blackface in college? Anybody? This is completely off the record. So tell me now so we can get ahead of this. [Cut to everybody. Glen raises his hand.] Yes, Glen.

Glen: You going to get mad?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No, I’m not gonna get mad. I just need to know now, did you wear black face in college, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] Is that a yes, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen nods] [Cut to Kenan] It’s okay. Who did you dress up as, Glen?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Mr. T.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay. See, I didn’t get mad. Did you take pictures, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] So you did. Well that’s not good. But you did the right thing coming forward.

[Cut to everybody. Tom raises his hand.]

Tom: I have a question. [Cut to Tom] What if the blackface was just part of your costume of a black person?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: You see Tom, that’s exactly the kind of thing that we’re looking for today. [Cut to everybody. Barbara raises her hand.] Yes, Barbara.

Barbara: Does it still count [Cut to Barbara Glen and Phil] if you did it all the way back in the 80s.

Phil: Of course not. It was funny and cool in the 80s.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Nope, I’m going to stop you right there, Phil. It does still count and it was never funny or cool. Okay, anybody else?

[Cut to everybody. Kyle raises his hand.]

Kyle Mooney: I have a question.

Kenan: Yeah, go ahead.

Kyle Mooney: What if you wore [Cut to Kyle] the blackface as a tribute like a homage to your hero.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Who is your hero?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Al Jolson.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay, well, I would file that as very, very wrong. People, we are elected state officials. We can’t having this piled up.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: But it was the 80s!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, dude.

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: What if I dressed in black booty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Black booty?

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: Yeah, like one time in college, part of my costume was a big old black booty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I am really confused. How could anybody tell it was a black booty?

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: Because I was wearing shoe polish on my face.

Kenan: Now see, [Cut to Kenan] the shoe polish, yes, was obviously wrong. [Cut to Alex raising his hand] What?

Alex Moffat: What if you were just goofing around with your friends?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Still wrong.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Okay, but what if it was part of your costume of a black person?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I just answered that.

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: But, but what if the costume won a contest?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: What was the contest?

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: Blackest face.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Am I in hell?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Hey, you said you weren’t going to get mad.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I am not mad. I just didn’t think this would be so complicated.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: But what if I wore black face for a costume of a black woman?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It’s still bad. It’s the same bad. It’s the same bad. Is that what you did?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Oh no, I was fat Al Sharpton.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Why did you even ask?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: For next time.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: There’s not going to be a next time.

[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, Barbara. It’s not the 80s anymore.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It wasn’t okay in the 80s.

[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]

Glen: See, he’s getting mad now.

Kenan: I’m not mad! [Cut to Kenan] Look, is there anybody else?

[Cut to Halsey]

Halsey: I have a question. What if they’re half black?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hmm. Okay. Well, you’re still offensive, but I guess if you’re biracial, there’s a different connotation.

[Cut to Halsey]

Halsey: No, not biracial. I mean one year my costume was to be both Michael Jacksons. So I only did half black.

[Cut to everyone]

Barbara: That is an awesome idea.

Alex Moffat: I’m doing that next year.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No! No more blackface. Look, let’s just get this over with. Everybody here that’s worn blackface in the 80s, raise your hands.

[Cut to everybody. Everybody except Alex are raising their hands.] [Cut to Kenan]

Or the 90s.

[Cut to everybody. Now, Alex is also raising his hand.] [Cut to Kenan]

All right, great. So that’s everybody. Well, I’m going to take a two-week lunch before a lose damn mind. And I advise all of you to delete any Facebook folder labeled Halloween and hope for the best. All right.

[Cut to everybody. Kenan leaves.]

Glen: See. I told you he was going to get mad.

Tom: We can still do the voice, right?

Everyone: Yeah. Of course.