Tom… Beck Bennett
Kenan Thompson[Starts with few friends having dinner]
Will: No, I’m telling you. This dog eats anything.
Kate: He ate steel wool.
Will: And then he pooped silver for three days.[laughing]
Tom: That’s insane.
Kate: It’s our life.[laughing]
Aidy: You know, what’s insane are these roasted carrots. They are so good.
Will: Oh, everything here is good. The New York Times restaurant review raved about this place.
Heidi: You know, speaking of The Times, did any of you guys read that up-ed piece about–
Tom: Honey, no.
Aidy: What? What article are you talking about?
Heidi: The one about Aziz Ansari?[The lights shut off. Everybody looks scared.]
I’m sorry. We can talk about something else. I was just curious what everyone thought. But–
Will: No. No. Of course. We can, uh– We can talk about it.
Will: Yeah. I mean, I think we should.
Kenan: We absolutely should.
Kate: Well, it’s come to this. I’ll go first.
Will: [holding Kate’s hand] Are you sure you wanna do this?
Kate: Yes. Yes. I will speak on the topic of [soft voice] Aziz Ansari. I think…
Kate: Yes. I- I think that some women…
Kate: Um, rather, um, some men have a proclivity…
Kate: Help me.
Kenan: Okay. Sure. Um, well, while I applaud the movement…
Heidi: Watch it.
Kenan: Noted. It’s just that I wonder if maybe we’re setting it back?
Kate: Argh! Careful.
Aidy: Okay. Ah- ah- I feel that powerful men almost always abuse– nope!
Tom: Okay. Um, look. The thing that I keep going back to is it seems like if she wanted to leave…
Will: Oh, no.
Tom: She could have just…
Will: Oh, no.
Tom: Left.[The lights turn off again. Will puts his face on his food. Kenan stabs his hand with knife. Aidy cops her hair off. Kate covers her face with curtains. Heidi does black magic and disappears.]
Aidy: Everyone, stop. We can talk about this. We are adults.
Will: Can’t we just go back to the dog? We were happy when we were talking about the dog.
Kate: Honey, the time for talking about the dog is over. We are in a post babe.net universe now and we have to finish what we started. Tom, go.
Tom: Fine. Okay, fine. The #metoo movement– pass.
Will: Okay. Consent. Pass. Dammit!
Kate: Okay. Um, if I were with a woman and she seemed at all uneasy, I would just slow my roles– [takes a bread] are good!
Kenan: Okay. What I think we’re forgetting —
Will: Oh, no.
Kenan: Is the way that this intersects with the issue of–
Will: Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.
Kenan: Race. [covers his mouth]
All: Nooo![different video clips showing the destruction plays]
Will: I can’t do this anymore. We have to talk about something else.
All: Yes. Thank you.
Kenan: Yes. Something less controversial.
Kate: Okay. Shape of Water had problems, right?[They all get confused again]
Tom: Hey, where’s my wife?