Pogie Pepperoni’s

Charline… Leslie Jones

Reg… Beck Bennett

AC Santano… Kyle Mooney

Nathan… Pete Davidson

Ashlyn… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Charline showing Reg and AC Santano around Pogie Pepperoni’s]

Charline: Alright, so we got the soda machines right here. We got the big prizes, small prizes. You guys, we just need you to  initial and sign this in.

Reg: Oh, sure. Yeah.

AC Santano: You got it.

Reg: Absolutely.

Charline: And congratulations. You guys are officially members of the Pogie family.

Reg: Okay. So I just got hired at Pogie Pepperoni’s, the place that practically shaped my childhood.

AC Santano: Games, the best pizza in town, and some of the most coolest people I’ve ever met. Yeah, sounds like a normal job to me.

Reg: Yeah.

[Charline is looking confused]

Charline: I have a couple of more things for you here. [Charline passes them the employee shirts] Here’s your uniforms.

Reg: Okay. My very own Pogie shirt. Coz that’s normal.

AC Santano:I’m sorry, just to clarify. That’s Pogie Pepperoni on a skateboard about to go in one of his famous adventures.

Charline: Yeah, I mean, I guess so.

AC Santano: And I imagine we have to leave these here at work?

Charline: No. You can take them home, just wash them. Make sure they’re clean.

Reg: So we can actually wear these out? Meeting new people? Coz that’s not a huge game changer in my life.

AC Santano: I’m sorry. And how much will these be costing us?

Charline: They’re free man.

AC Santano: That’s normal. Okay.

Reg: Okay.

Charline: Actually, I forgot something. I’ll be back in a sec.

[Reg and AC Santano are smiling]

AC Santano: Don’t say anything.

Reg: Why would I say anything?

[AC Santano screaming at each other]

Reg and AC Santano: Dude! This is awesome.

Reg: We work at Pogie’s.

Reg and Reg: Oh!

Charline: What’s that?

AC Santano: Oh, nothing miss Charline.

Reg: Everything in order, miss Charline.

[Charline takes Reg and AC Santano to the game section. Reg and AC Santano are wearing the staff shirt.]

Charline: Alright, here’s 20 tokens each. Y’all supposed to play the games so you’ll know about them.

Reg: Ah, excuse me. What was that last part?

Charline: Employees get tokens to play the games.

AC Santano: We’ll probably just have access to what? One, two games ups?

Charline: It doesn’t matter, dude. Play whatever you want.

Reg: Okay.

AC Santano: So, Frogie Frenzie, Rockers or Range, any of em’?

Reg: This sounds like normal work activities to me.

AC Santano: Yeah, that definitely happens at all the places we work at.

[mic speaker calling Charline]

Charline:  I gotta go deal with that.

Reg: Okay.

AC Santano: Oh, no problem.

[Reg and AC Santano are smiling]

Reg: Don’t say anything.

AC Santano: I’m not saying a single thing.

Reg and AC Santano: [To each other] Dude! This is awesome.

Reg: We’re rich.

AC Santano: Look at all these tokens.

[Reg and AC Santano walking around]

Reg: And this day officially can’t get any better.

[AC Santano slowly looks away and sees a person in Pogie costume walking towards them]

AC Santano: Please tell me that’s not who I think it is.

Reg: Um, Pogie is walking up to talk to us right now.

[The Pogie opens his Pogie head. it’s Nathan.]

Speaker Nathan: Hey, you must be the new Pogie recruits. I’m Nathan.

Reg: We are [pointing at himself] Reg and [pointing at AC Santano] AC Santano.

Speaker Nathan: Oh. I’ll try to remember that. Anyway, I got five minutes before this dumb ass three PM Pogie parade. I’ll see you both later.

[Nathan walks away]

Reg and AC Santano: See you Pogie.

Reg: Because I guess, we’re friends now.

AC Santano: Don’g freak out.

Reg: I’m not freaking out.

Reg and AC Santano: [to each other] Dude! This is awesome. We just met Pogie Pepperoni.

AC Santano: And he’s played by Nathan who seems like a really cool guy.

Reg and AC Santano: Ah!

Speaker Nathan: [from far away] Hey, are you guys cool?

Reg: Cool. Yeah, we’re cool.

Speaker Nathan: You don’t seem like it.

[Cut to Reg and AC Santano serving pizzas to the kids. Charline walks in with Ashlyn]

Charline: Reg. AC Santano.

Reg and AC Santano: Yes, miss Charline.

Charline: This is Ashlyn. The owner of Pogie Pepperoni’s.

[Reg and AC Santano’s head pop up and confetti is falling down] [Cut to a tribute video that at the end says “Pogie’s remembers AC Santano & Reg, Employees from 2:45 PM to 3:06 PM]

100 days in jungle

Beck Bennett

Nathan… Pete Davidson

Rebecca… Cecily Strong

Michael… Taran Killam

Denice… Vanessa Bayer

Joan… Aidy Bryant

Terry… Russell Crowe

[Starts with video clips of jungle]

Male voice: Exhaustion, starvation, dehydration. Who will survive them all to last 100 days in the jungle.

[Cut to Beck briefing the contestants]

Beck: Michael, Rebecca, Nathan. You’ve all made it to day 94. I know it’s been hard and I’m sure you all miss your families.

Michael: Yeah.

Rebecca: So much.

Nathan: A lot.

Beck: Well, you’re in luck because we have a surprise. We’ve flown in a loved one for each of you. And they’re here now. Michael, say hi to your wife of fifteen years, Denice.

[Denice walks in]

Michael: Denice? Denice, oh my god! [kissing] Oh, I missed you. How are our kids?

Denice: Oh, they’re good. They’re rooting for their daddy.

Beck: Rebecca, say hi to your mom, Joan.

[Joan walks in]

Rebecca: Mommy! Oh my god! You’re here.

Joan: I am here. [hugging] I love you sweetheart.

Beck: And finally, Nathan, say hi to your uncle’s friend, Terry.

[Nathan losing his smile]

Nathan: Who?

[Terry comes in]

Terry: Hey buddy. It’s me. Your uncle’s friend, Terry. Ha-ha. Hey buddy. Ay! Ay! Remember me? Yeah, you do. Come on! We used to live in a tent in your uncle’s backyard. Come on.

Nathan: Oh, right. Hey man, I’m sorry but where’s my parents?

Beck: They had a thing and couldn’t move it. But Nathan, how does it feel to see your uncle’s friend, Terry?

Nathan: Um, kind of weird. Like, we’ve only met a couple of times. And one year we had Christmas at my uncle’s and Terry made us all go outside and watch him drink a two liter bottle of Sprite outside the house.

Terry: Oh, everyone was saying, [hooting] “Terry! Terry! Terry!” Best day of my life, buddy, buddy boy.

Nathan: Only you were chanting that.

Beck: Michael and Rebecca, how are you feeling? You look so shocked to see your family.

Michael: Oh, my god. I am so shocked.

Rebecca: You have no idea. It’s crazy.

Nathan: Um, I’m probably the most shocked. Jus coz like I have seven brothers and sisters, also a girlfriend of three years and none of them could be here?

Beck: Unfortunately, no. They are not here. But your uncle’s friend Terry is. And as an added surprise, Thanks to the new Sony 4K UltraHD TV, you get to say hello to more loved ones.

[someone brings in a TV]

Take a look.

[Michael’s children appear on the TV]

Children: We miss you, daddy.

Michael: Oh, I miss them so much. Hi Noah. Hi Emily. [kisses] [Rebecca’s dad appears on the TV holding a dog]

Dad: Hi, Becky. My love is with you. Hi.

Rebecca: Wow, dad and Milo. I love you guys.

[Leslie appears on the TV]

Leslie: [Crying] Terry, it’s me. I need you. I messed up. I messed up real bad. If you don’t come home, I’ma kill myself.

Terry: Hey, baby. How are ya?

Nathan: Who is that?

Terry: It’s a girl I’m seeing. She steals credit cards for living. Hey, baby!

Beck: And now, one final twist. Your loved ones aren’t here just for fun. They’re here because today is a reward challenge and they will be competing on your behalf. How do you feel about that?

Michael: Absolutely great. My wife is the strongest woman I know.

Rebecca: My mom is my rock. She can do anything.

Nathan: Well, my uncle’s friend Terry once took me to see basic instincts, and during the whole middle part, he kept hitting my leg and said, “Here it comes.”

Terry: Damn right I did. That was the day you became a man.

Nathan: I was five.

[Someone brings in a table. There are three baskets on the table.]

Beck: Today’s competition is eating challenge. In front of each of your loved ones is a jungle delicacy. Whoever can eat their’s the fastest wins a reward for their loved one.

Nathan: Yeah. Can you stop saying loved one?

Beck: Denice, you have a cow’s tongue.

Denice: Oh, my god. I can’t eat that.

Michael: No, come on baby. You can do it.

Beck: Joan, you have a pig’s liver.

Joan: Oh, I think I’m gonna be sick.

Rebecca: Mom, you’ve got this.

Beck: And Nathan’s uncle’s friend Terry, you have a duck’s vagina.

Terry: Hell yeah player!

Beck: Oh your mark!

[Terry just picks the item up and eats it and starts dancing.]

Oh, wow! That was much quicker than we expected. Terry, you win. Nathan, you gotta be proud of your uncle’s friend Terry.

Nathan: I wouldn’t say proud. I mean, he just yelled, “Oh, hell yeah player!” and ate a duck vagina on TV.

Terry: [celebrating] Duck vagina.

Beck: Well, as today’s winners, you and your uncle’s friend Terry win a four course meal and a massage for two.

Terry: Oh, no, no. Can’t do that. I can’t do. I got stitches all over my back. Horse bit me.

Nathan: On your back? What is your life?

Beck: We’ll be right back on 100 days in the jungle.

[The End]

Children’s Clothing Ad

Ego Nowdim

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Nathan… Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with families shopping]

Narrator: The holidays are here. So head to Macy’s for unbeatable deals on a winter wardrobe for the whole family. Men’s blazers starting at $49.99. Kashmir tops for her from $79.99. And for your little ones, Macy’s have the festive fashion that’ll have them saying—

[Cut to a kid]

Kid: It’s too hot!

[Cut to another kid]

Kid: It itches!

[Cut to a baby crying] [Cut to parents struggling to dress their kids]

Narrator: It is the season for wrestling your wiggly little monster into thick winter clothes. So, all month long, we’re taking 25% off boys merino wool sweaters that won’t fit over his head.

[Cut to Nathan putting the sweater on his kid]

Nathan: If you stop squirming, it would be on already.

Narrator: And 40% off cozy corduroys that’ll pinch his little nuts.

[Cut to Ego and Chris with their kid.]

Ego: Can’t he just wear his jeans?

Chris: [yelling] You don’t wear jeans to church.

Narrator: And for your little girl, it’s half off all hard, shiny shoes that hurt.

[Cut to Kate walking with her kid]

Kid: Ow! These shoes hurt.

Kate: Welcome to being a woman, Kylie.

Narrator: And 30% off all holiday rompers she’ll never get off in time.

[Cut to Heidi drying her kid’s romper with hair dryer]

Kid: It’s wet!

Heidi: Okay, you have to tell mommy when you have to go.

Narrator: The weather outside may be frightful, but at Macy’s, we’ve got kids jackets so big and thick, [Kenan struggling to put his kid to the car seat] they won’t fit in their car seat anymore.

[Cut to Kenan closes the car door with frustration and swears]

Kenan: Here we go. You didn’t hear that, buddy.

Narrator: And save an extra 10% on snow boots that are so hard to put on, it’ll strain your marriage.

[Cut to Nathan and Heidi trying to put a shoe on their daughter’s feet.]

Heidi: You need to put your foot in sideways and then twist it.

Nathan: [yelling] Well, if you can do it, then do it.

Narrator: And deals so hot, even forsty—

[Cut to Nathan and Heidi trying to put a shoe on their daughter’s feet.]

Heidi: You need to learn, Nathan.

Nathan: [talking to his daughter] Daddy’s a dumb ass.

Narrator: And deals so hot—

[Cut to Nathan and Heidi trying to put a shoe on their daughter’s feet.]

Heidi: okay, well, if this is gonna be your attitude, maybe we should tell my mom we’re not coming.

Narrator: And deals so—

[Cut to Nathan and Heidi trying to put a shoe on their daughter’s feet.]

Nathan: Oh, no, and miss your brother getting drunk and asking to borrow money? Whatever will I do?

Narrator: And for your new arrivals, we’ve got precious winter onesies with so many tiny buttons and snaps, you’ll let your baby sit in a loaded diaper for hours just to avoid putting it back on. Plus, every day savings on mittens they’ll lost, shirts with the wrong ‘Frozen’ princess, sweaters that make them hot, flannel that’s make them hot, scarves that make them hot— [Kenan opens the scarf of a kid, but realizes it’s not his kid]

Kenan: [shocked] Where is my kid? Marcus!

Narrator: And button downs with sharp, scratchy tags in the back that’ll have them bitching all season long. Look, we know it’s awful for them and for you. But one day, they’ll be too old to wear cute little clothes like this and you’ll miss it. So, suck it up and get down to Macy’s.

[Cut to Nathan’s family picture]

Narrator: The clothes they’ll hate creates the memories you’ll love.