Sasquatch

Melissa Villaseñor

Jackie… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Sterling K. Brown

Randy… Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

[Cut to a video of jungle myst. The caption reads “It came from the woods.”] [Cut to five people enjoying campfire in Chauncey State Park at 11:43 PM.]

Melissa: Hey, Jackie. You’re gonna sneak into Matt’s tent again tonight and get down?

All: Ooh!

Jackie: Shut up. We didn’t have like, full on sex.

Matt: We made love over the clothes.

[Jackie looks at Matt angrily] [there’s some animal sound coming from the bushes.]

Randy: You guys hear that? [Everybody stands. Randy walks near the bushes.] Hello?

[Something walks out of the bushes]

Jackie: Matt, what the hell is that?

Matt: Randy, freeze. I think that’s a Sasquatch.

Pete: Yo! That’s Bigfoot. Yo, I gotta get a selfie.

Matt: No! Everybody stay absolutely still. I watch a lot of monkey man on Discovery. Apes feel threatened by sudden movements.

[The Sasquatch is near Randy]

Randy: [doing hand gestures] Me. Friend. Me nice. No hurt. Friends. Friends. Friends. Me, you, the same.

[Sasquatch punches Randy]

Oh! What the hell! Matt!

Matt: Don’t freak out.

[Sasquatch is putting his fingers in Randy’s mouth.]

Randy: Matt? Matt? He wants to put his fingers in my mouth, Matt!

Matt: Bro, just let him do it. He is establishing dominance.

Randy: Oh, they smell like dried poo. Am I gonna get sick?

Jackie: Let him, Randy. God!

Randy: Matt! Get the shotgun out of your car!

Matt: Buckshot will barely leave a mark on this thing. [calling the Sasquatch] Hey! [moves near the fire] Fire! Huh? Hot. Warm.

[Sasquatch walks to the fire]

Randy: Fire.

[Sasquatch burns himself, runs backward and beats Randy.]

Matt: Oh, damn!

Randy: No! [yelling] No! Me strong. No, me strong. Me alpha. [Sasquatch and Randy growl at each other] You go. [Randy pushes Sasquatch and it leaves.] Yes, that’s right. [to his friends] What you think about that, Matt? King Kong ain’t got nothing.

[Sasquatch runs in and hits Randy. Randy falls down.]

Oh, Matt!

[Sasquatch pulls Randy up]

Okay!

Matt: Just go with him, Randy. You challenged him. So he is shaming you now.

Randy: Matt! He is making me hold his part.

Matt: Primates do this. I think it’s very common, maybe. He’s showing how non threatening you are.

[Sasquatch takes Randy’s hat and pees on it.]

Randy: Oh! He’s peeing on my hat, Matt!

Matt: He’s marking you. The process has begun.

[Pete is taking pictures of Sasquatch and Randy]

Randy: Don’t post that.

[Sasquatch gestures for Randy to put the hat back on.]

Put it on? Oh!

Matt: Oh, bro. That’s not good.

[Sasquatch pulls Randy towards the fire.]

Randy: What are you doing? Matt? Matt?

Matt: Just let him do it, Randy.

[Sasquatch makes Randy sit near the fire. He is placing his butt on Randy’s shoulders.]

Randy: What is this?

Pete: Ha-ha-ha-h.

Randy: Wiping his ass on my hat.

Matt: It will be over before you know it, bro.
Pete: Randy, catch!

[Pete throws a baseball bat to Randy. Randy catches it.]

Randy: [pointing the bat to the Sasquatch] Batter up!

[Sasquatch punches Randy again. It takes the baseball bat and starts hitting Randy with it. Randy runs into the tent.]

Matt, he has the bat.

[Sasquatch runs to the tend and start hitting it from the outside. It pulls the whole tent into the bushes.]

Jackie: Oh, no. Randy. He is–

[Randy jumps in]

Randy: Right here. I slipped out the back-flap of the tent. He may have a big foot, but I have a big brain.

[Sasquatch runs in near Randy again]

Matt?

[Sasquatch punches Randy into the sky.]

Food Dudes

Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Beck getting in his hotel room]

Female voice: It’s happening again. You’re drunk and you’re ordering food.

Beck: [on the phone] Hey, ya, I’ll do the buffalo wings, some calamari, bacon cheese burger and maybe some fries. And onion rings too.

[split screen to Beck on left and Melissa on right.]

Melissa: And how many people will be dining?

Beck: Um, four.

Melissa: Uh-huh.

Female voice: You told her there were four people dining but it’s really just you. Or is it?

[Beck snaps is fingers and three dummies wearing clothes appear behind him]

Introducing Food Dudes. Three realistic mannequins that can sit with you when the food gets delivered, so no one thinks you’re an animal.

[Cut to Melissa brings in the food at Beck’s door.]

Melissa: Room service for four. I guess, this was a reasonable order.

Female voice: Plus, Food Dudes are noticeably overweight. [All the mannequins have big bellies] So everyone thinks they ordered most of the food.

[Cut to three mannequins and Beck with food on the table before them. Melissa is looking at them.]

Beck: These guys, am I right? What a bunch of slobs.

Melissa: Hold up! [Cut to Melissa] I wanna see one of them eat.

Female voice: Don’t worry. Food Dudes are completely motorized so they can realistically pick up and ingest human food.

[One mannequin picks up and eats the food.]

Melissa: I’m convinced. They’re real guys.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha.

Female voice: And best of all, the inside of each Food Dude is a fully functioning microwave [Beck opens the mannequin’s pant and it’s butt is the microwave.] So when you’re alone again, simply open up the mannequin’s rear end an enjoy the rest of your meal.

Beck: Umm, piping hot.

[Cut to Matt ordering food]

Female voice: And Food Dudes can talk, so they’re perfect for shameless deliveries.

[Cut to Mikey delivering food at Matt’s door]

Mikey: Yeah, I got two large pizzas for Matt.

Matt: Um, well they’re not just for me.

Mikey: Dude, come on!

[Cut to mannequins talking]

Mannequin: Hey, hurry up with the food we’re all splitting.

Mannequin: Yeah, the other three of us are starving.

Mannequin: Plus, we’re noticeably overweight.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey:  Wow! I was wrong. Have fun with your diverse friends.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt: Thanks Food Dudes!

Female voice: And Food Dudes are easy to transport in their Food Dude Cocoons.

[Cut to Beck transporting his mannequins on a hospital bed] [Melissa waves her hand at Beck and Beck smiles]

And they’re perfect for drive-throughs too.

[Cut to Kenan at the drive-through. He has the mannequins on his passenger seats.]

Kenan: Yeah, can I get 24 cheese burgers? And it ain’t all for me. These mannequins are gonna have some too.

Drive through: Excuse me?

[A mannequin sitting at Kenan’s back puts it’s hand on Kenan’s shoulder]

Mannequin: Thank you, daddy.

Kenan: It’s creeping me though.

Female voice: Food Dudes, not for sex.

[The End]