Tag: Matt

Matt Schatt Game Show

Ted Connelly… Kenan Thompson

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Rob… Devon Walker

Carmen… Ana de Armas

Matt… Mikey Day

Male voice: Two teams, $1 million, here in “The Dome.”

Ted: Good evening. Good evening. I’m Ted Connelly and this is “The Dome.” Now let’s meet the teams vying for a chance at the $1 million prize. Team one, introduce yourselves.

Beth: Hi, I’m Beth and this is my brother-in-law, Rob.

Ted: Oh, proof that in laws can get along. We’re having fun. Okay. Who do we have on Team two?

Carmen: I’m Carmen and this is my husband, Matt.

Ted: All right. Carmen and her cousin Matt. Okay.

Carmen: No, no. Matt’s my husband.

Ted: I’m sorry. I have a bad ear for accents. Sounds like you say that Matt’s your husband?

Carmen: I did. We’re married.

Ted: To each other?

Matt: Yapa-roni.

Ted: Okay, so let me just- Let me just clarify what’s going on here. So you who are you, are married to he was him?

Matt: Yep, we are Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Patrick Shatt.

Ted: Your name is Matt Pat Shat?

Matt: Yes, sir. Is that okay?

Ted: Not really. Now, I gotta ask why are you on the show when you are obviously extremely wealthy?

Matt: Oh, no, I am not wealthy.

Ted: But then why is she with you?

Carmen: Isn’t it obvious?

Ted: [yelling] No. Oh man, I gotta calm down. I got to calm down. Okay, so you’re not- If you’re not rich, what do you do for a living?

Carmen: I dance with San Francisco Ballet. And Matt works in the food industry.

Ted: Also your chef?

Matt: o, I’m a taste tester at Purina dog Chow.

Carmen: He tries new dog foods to tell them if it’s too like, spicy, you know? Because the dogs can’t talk.

Ted: So, you eat dog food for money?

Matt: Someday, hopefully. It’s volunteer right now. But fingers crossed, it turns into a paid gig soon.

Ted: You eat the dog food for free? Oh my god. I can’t even believe it. I just don’t understand what’s going on. I mean, this dude obviously got the baddest bitch I’ve ever seen. What is happening. Sorry, but I just had a stroke. Okay. All right. Let’s get back to it. I’m just trying to figure out how this absolute dime is married to match it. Oh, Beth, you got an answer?

Beth: I think I do. He obviously gave her a kidney and saved her life.

Carmen: He didn’t give me a kidney.

Ted: Oh, Rob, chance to steal.

Rob: He’s a hanging 8 but a standing 12?

Carmen: What? No. And FYI, he’s hanging 5 and standing 4.

Ted: So when he gets excited, it gets smaller?

Matt: Yeah. Just one of those things.

Ted: Yeah, that’s right. I’m buzzing in on this one. Here’s what I think. She hypnotized.

Carmen: You’re all sounding crazy. Look at my husband. I think it’s obvious why I’m with him.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Ted: No. The judges say no.

Matt: Sorry. Can we play the game now? Or?

Ted: Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. I’m sorry. Matt and Carmen, you won the coin toss backstage. So the first question goes to you.

Matt: Oh my gosh, I’m so nervous. I’m like already sweating. One second. [Pulls his shirt up to wipe his sweat. He’s got multiple nipples on his body.]

Ted: Please zoom in on this. What in the heck? Matt Pat Shat got a group of nipples. Now, Look at all these. Eww.

Matt: Don’t. Yeah, every couple of years, a new one pops up. Just another one of those things.

Carmen: Baby, just put your shirt down. I’m gonna get too excited.

Ted: But why though? I don’t understand it. Let’s just take a break while I have another stroke. We’ll be back right after this. Because I don’t understand what is going on. I mean, she bad. She bad.

Old Enough Longterm Boyfriends

Matt… Mikey Day

Kelsey… Selena Gomez

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: Netflix viewers love “Old Enough”, the hit Japanese show that follows toddlers as they go on an errand all by themselves. And now we’re remaking it here. But since Americans don’t send toddlers out into the world alone, we have to find an equally helpless group. And we did. Here’s a sneak peek of “Old Eough! Long Term Boyfriends!”

[cut to Matt and Kelsey’s apartment. Matt is playing video game.]
Matt and Kelsey live in New York City. They have been dating for three years. And now that he’s 34, Kelsey thinks Matt is ready to run an errand all by himself.

Kelsey: Matt, I’m gonna need you to go out and get a couple of things from me, okay?

Matt: [confused] Are you gonna come?

Kelsey: No, no, no. This is something you have to do all by yourself. Okay?

Female voice: Matt’s nervous. But with Kelsey’s help, Matt is ready for his big errand. [Kelsey gets Matt ready like a toddler. With a day bag, water bottle, stop sign flag and more.]

Matt have to walk four blocks to Sephora, which he thinks is called Sephoria, like the HBO show Euphoria, and buy Smashbox, eye pencil and night mist. Then he’ll need to get two shallots at the market. Here he goes. He’s only 34.

[cut to Matt going into the streets]

Wow, so brave.

[There’s a poster of Ana de Armas at the bust stop. Matt is looking at the poster.]

Don’t get distracted by Ana de Armas, Matt. And he made it to Sephora. But once inside, Matt is overwhelmed. He’s never been here without Kelsey before. [Matt starts crying] Oh no. Matt, don’t cry. Ask for help like a big boy.

Heidi: Hi.

Matt: Do you know where the makeup is?

Heidi: Oh, this is all makeup in here, sweetie. Do you know what you’re looking for?

Female voice: Remember Matt, Kelsey wants to Smashbox, night mist, eye pencil.

Matt: Smash mouth Night wing.

[Matt starts crying]

Heidi: It’s okay. Okay, it’s okay. It’s okay.

Female voice: Back at home, Kelsey hopes Matt is okay by himself.

Kelsey: Matt is so great at doing things he likes. Like, DraftKings or his adult Legos. But getting something for me without me being there is a lot for him to handle. Especially at his age. I might have a bottle a glass of wine. It’s 10 AM, but it’s fine. You can cut that out, right?

Female voice: At Sephora, Matt makes his purchase. Hurray! And after stopping to buy a bacon, egg and cheese, even though he ate lunch an hour ago, Matt’s on his way to the market. But what’s this? Another boy on an errand? [Kenan is on his errand shopping]

Matt: Hi, I’m 34.

Kenan: I’m 38 and a half.

Matt: Are you on an errand for your girlfriend?

Kenan: Yeah, I had to get dry cleaning and a cream that costs $80.

Matt: Are shallots onions?

Kenan: Yeah. Bye.

Matt: Bye.

Female voice: Keep going, Matt. You’re almost there. He made it. Kelsey wanted two shallots. But she buys two five pound bags of onions. Kelsey awaits his return. Hurry up, Matt. You’re almost there.

[the onions fall out of the bag]

Matt: Son of a—

[cut to Selena opens the door]

Female voice: And he’s done it.

Kelsey: You did it! Give me a big hug. I am really proud of him. That said, I asked him to get an eyeliner pencil and two shallots and he brought home 10 pounds of onions and a blush palette for African American woman. So, I should just break up. It’s just not this. It’s everything. We’re basically roommates. Watch, baby, do you want to have sex right now?

Matt: Uh-huh, it’s like, light outside.

Kelsey: Oh, silly me.

Maid of Honor

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Tanya… Cecily Strong

Nate… Chris Redd

Announcer… Mikey Day

Sarah… Zoë Kravitz

Sarah’s husband… Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Nate giving toast for his friends’ wedding]

Nate: You know, I always got the sense that Matt looked down on me. But that’s only because he’s two inches taller. But I’m so happy for you, buddy. I love you, bro. To Matt and Tanya. Cheers.

[Announcer walks up]

Announcer: Okay, how about a hand for Matt’s best man, Nate? Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m chewing that was just an incredibly short speech. It opened with the look down on me, Joe. And then it just kind of ended a few sentences later. I was sure it would be longer, which is why I took a bite of food, but I was wrong. But still a very nice speech from Nate. Okay, now let’s hear from the maid of honor, Tanya’s best friend, Sarah. Come on up, Sarah.

[Sarah walks up]

Sarah: Hi, I’m Sarah. Matt, let me tell you something. You’re really lucky guy. Because Tanya is the best girl in the world.

Matt: Aw. Yeah, she is.

Sarah: Girl’s like a sister to me. And not just because we both seen my dad naked.

Matt: [feeling uncomfortable but smiling] Okay.

Sarah: She’s always had my back. Even when nobody else agreed with me, she always said, “Sarah, if you’re sober enough to drive, then I believe you.” And that meant the world to me, girly. And when I’d stumble, when I’d make a mistake, she’d never make me feel bad. She’d say “Girlie, don’t beat yourself up. Nobody knew that thing was loaded.”

Matt: Did she shoot someone?

Tanya: Shh, babe, I’m trying to listen.

Sarah: And when she’s going through a tough time herself, she doesn’t complain. No. She dances, professionally.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Tanya: Babe, shh!

Sarah: She’s not perfect.

Tanya: No way.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Sarah: She’s been a bit of a bride Zilla. And not just because she’s attacked a lot of Japanese people. I am in awe of her. I don’t know about all of you. But if nine of my last boyfriends killed themselves, I would give up on romance. But not Tanya.

Matt: She’s joking, right?

Sarah: She believes in love. When I started dating my now husband, she was so happy for me. Everyone else said, “You’re a monster.” But what did you say, Girlie?

Tanya: You’re not a monster. You’re just his math teacher.

Sarah: That’s right. Love is love. Right baby?

Sarah’s husband: [pouring salt on his food. He is very young.] No doubt.

Sarah: But most of all, Tanya is brave. Girlie, I know you remember this? We were at a protest fighting for justice and you got right in that cop’s face. No fear at all. And do you remember what you said?

Tanya: I’m storming the Capitol and I’m gonna kill Mike Pence.

[Now Sarah is starting to get worried]

Sarah:  That’s right. And Matt, you make her so happy. I don’t want to embarrass anyone. But when you guys first got together, Tanya and I were having some girl talk and I said, you know, how’s the chemistry in the bedroom?

Matt: [laughing] No. Hey, here we go.

Sarah: And she said he’s trying his best.

[Matt is disappointed]

And that’s what makes Matt different from the hundreds and hundreds of other guys that she’s dragged home over the year.

Matt: Hundreds?

Tanya: Shh, baby!

Sarah: I’m sure maybe he’s not famous like Steve O’ from Jackass or Wee Man from Jackass. Maybe he’s not mysterious, like Bam from Jackass. But he puts in the work like Johnny Knoxville from Jackass.

Matt: So you just got with the whole Jackass gang?

Tanya: Honey, I listened to your friend speech. Okay?

Sarah: She loved you right away, Matt. After your first date, she said I met my person. And she deleted all the dating apps, Match, Tinder, ChokePony, Tour Dark Web browser, all of them? At least I think she did. Ha-ha-ha.

Tanya: No, I did. Come on. You can check my phone. [pulls out three phones out of her purse]

Matt: Why do you have three phones?

Sarah: So yeah, she loves you, man. And I know when she’s finally able to get her kids back, they’re gonna love you too.

Matt: What kids?

Sarah: And all those kids’ dads are gonna respect you.

Matt: What kids and what dads?

Tanya: Shh!

Sarah: Not every man who has the courage to marry Suge Knight’s ex. But you do Matt. You do. So congrats to both of you. Cheers.

Tanya: Thanks, girlie.

Matt: [thinking to himself] I’m gonna die.

Weekend Update- Matt Gaetz Venmo Sex Scandal

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Well, our favorite Florida congressman, Matt Gaetz is back in the news but this time it’s good. I’m kidding. It’s still the sex stuff. Matt Gaetz who looks like all the dudes from American Pie combined reportedly sent $900 on Venmo to an alleged sex trafficker who then forwarded that same exact amount to three young women in payments labelled ‘tuition and school’ which if true would make him the only congressman actually helping with student loans. But at least Gaetz is taking the allegations seriously. That’s why yesterday he spoke at ‘Women for America First’ summit which was a nice change to see women pay for an hour with Matt Gaetz. My favorite moment was when Gaetz pointed out how much support he’s getting from other politicians.

[Cut to video clip of Matt Gaetz speech]

Matt Gaetz: This past week has been full of encouragement. From President Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Jim Jordan–

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no. Did he think those were good character references? Who was next on his list? The ghost of Jeffery Epstein?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching a child get into a stranger’s van, denounced corporations opposing Georgia’s new voting law saying that they should “Stay out of politics”. Coincidentally, stay out of politics is also Georgia’s new rule for black people.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Former president Donald Trump also releases the statement urging his followers to boycott Coca Cola which is surprising because I would have guess Don Jr. would have problem with coke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden has announced executive actions to curve gun violence including new regulations against gun kits that you can buy online an assemble at home. Remember how frustrated and angry you get assembling a dresser? Now, imagine at the end of that, you had a gun. Also, I got to say. It’s weird seeing a guy who’s basically doing a Clint Eastwood impression be pro gun control. I mean look at him. [picture changes to a poster of Gran Torino with the face of Joe Biden] You can put him into Gran Torino and no one would know the difference.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of CDC logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CDC is facing criticism for it’s mixed messaging regarding coronavirus. You know what? I have to agree with this because all year, the CDC has been texting me saying I was eligible for the vaccine, but every time I click the link, it was just a picture of this guy. [Picture changes to a naked black man]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Gavin Newsom at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: California governor Gavin Newsom who asked his barber for the American Psycho [picture of Christian Bale from American Psycho appears], he has announced a complete reopening plan that critics were saying is just a distraction from the governor’s many scandals. It’s a move that has other governors asking, “Did it work?”

Weekend Update- Matt Gaetz Under Investigation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Representative Matt Gaetz who looks like a caricature artist drawing of me is reportedly under investigation for an alleged sexual relationship with an underaged girl, because Gaetz believes only voters should have to show ID. it’s also being reported that Gaetz may have paid for sex the women he met online. That story has since been confirmed by his whole vibe. Gaetz then defended himself releasing this very normal statement. See if any of this sounds suspicious to you. “Matt Gaetz has never paid for sex.” “Matt Gaetz has never, ever been on any such websites whatsoever.” “Matt Gaetz cherishes the relationships in his past and looks forward to marrying the love of his life.” Here’s my response statement. “Colin Jost does not believe you.” “Colin Jost thinks you’ve been to all the websites.” “And Colin Jost thinks you should holf off on sending out those wedding invites.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden unveiled his $2 trillion infrastructure plan which some democrats are calling the ‘New new deal’. But I thought we weren’t allowed to make fun of the stutter. Biden plans to pay for his infrastructure plan by raising taxes on corporations and and wealthy which sounds like a great idea but it leads to one big question. How do I hide my money?

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture o Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And if I could get back to Matt Gaetz for a minute, here’s the craziest part of this story to me. Sitting congressman is being accused of child trafficking and the QAnon people are suddenly like, “Na, I need more evidence.” That was your whole thing! I mean, come on! Think about it. Matt Gaetz’s girlfriend, she was allegedly 17. 17th letter is Q. It all adds up. What are you waiting for? The storm is finally here and QAnon is like, “You can’t believe everything you read on the internet.”

[Picture changes to map of Georgia an Delta airlines logo at left top corner.]

Delta airlines which is based in Atlanta publicly criticized Georgia’s new restrictive voting laws and you know you messed up when Delta is like, “Hey, you gotta treat people with respect.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So woke. President Biden has reportedly determining if he has the authority to cancel student debt through an executive order. Come on, man! Just do it. I think the country can afford one reckless action after four years of president Kool-Aid-man. [picture changes to Donald Trump]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Speaking of Donald Trump, Melania Trump has launched a website dedicated to “Preserving the magnificent legacy of Trump administration”. And it will honor the most lasting part of Trump’s legacy by giving your computer an uncontrollable virus.

Frat Trip

Beck Bennett

Pledge… Andrew Dismukes

Austin… Chris Redd

Matt… Bowen Yang

Gael… Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Pete Davidson

Daniel Kaluuya

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of college boys hanging out]

Beck: Oh, Pledge!

[Pledge walks in wearing a baby hat]

Pledge: Yes, Ford.

Beck: Go to the Pi Phi sorority house and take a number two in their downstairs bathroom.

Pledge: As you command. Oh, man. Those girls are so pretty.

[Pledge walks out]

[Austin walks in]

Austin: Yo, second dose, mother-suckers. It’s official! Austin is vaccinated!

All: Yeah!

Matt: We need to celebrate.

Gael: Yeah. Yo! I have a bomb idea. Weekend before finals, we should rent a house in Tahoe.

All: Yeah!

Matt: If we do that, I will do coke. Okay? I know I was super anti-coke earlier in the year, but I’ll do it. Someone else has to buy it though.

Alex: Okay. Let’s Airbnb a bombass place.

Pete: Ay, should we tell Brit and those girls to come?

Daniel: Yeah. We could invite our moms.

Austin: [shocked] You said moms?

Daniel: Yeah, it’s mother’s day weekend, man. What better way to celebrate than spending time with their sons? This is dope! Let’s do it!

Kyle: Yeah, I’m not really feeling the mom aspect of the plan. But I like everything else.

Gael: Yeah. Alright, we doing this then. I’ll start looking for a place.

Kyle: I’ll text them honeys, let them know Tahoe’s going off.

Daniel: I’ll get a Facebook group chat going with the moms so that they can connect with each other.

Gael: Yeah. Maybe hold off on that chat because I don’t know if the group’s feeling the ‘mom’ thing, dude!

Beck: Oh, yo! Dude! Oh my god! Yo!! T-shirts that say ‘Sigma Delta Tahoe Trip 21.

Kyle: That’s so baller! Rolling up in our shirts like, “Sup, Tahoe?”

Daniel: My mom’s a size medium.

Matt: Yo, my mom will say she’s a medium but get her a large.

Gael: Yo, stop! I don’t know how the ‘mom’ thing is gaining traction. Right? No moms, right?

Pete: Yeah. Everybody Venmo me 50 bucks and I’ll make a Cosco run. What do we want?

Alex: Beers, pal. Like Bud and fancy one like Amstel.

Beck: Yeah, get one of those big plastic vodka handles too.

Daniel: And maybe grab like, a couple of 24 packs of Activia for the moms.

Pete: Oh, good call. What flavor?

Kyle: Ayo! Brit’s asking me if the girls’ moms are invited too?

Daniel: Hell, yeah! More moms, the merrier.

Gael: Yo! No! No more mom talk. Because the more the mom stuff comes up, the more the moms become the part of this plan in everyone’s head. This is a Sigma Delta trip. Alright? Let’s focus. So, Thursday night, we get there. Like, we drop our bags. I feel like we go out right away.

Alex: Yeah. Boys’ night out!

Austin: Yeah. Because the moms are going to be tired from traveling. So they’ll probably want to chill at the house.

Daniel: True. Specially if someone’s flying in.

Gael: Guys, stop.

Beck: Oh, hell yeah. You can rent a pontoon boat for Austin0 people.

Matt: [hyper excited] Yes! Yes! Let’s ride one. We have to. Let’s ride one. Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

Beck: We will, Matt. Chill.

Pete: Hey, do pontoon boats have sun shade thing on the top? Because my mom won’t go unless she sits on the shade.

Daniel: Yeah. My mom wouldn’t be feeling that direct sun either, man.

Gael: Yeah. It doesn’t matter if they’re not feeling it because they’re not coming, right? You’re not going to want them there by the way when we’re chilling here in our house for the weekend! [showing everyone the rented house on laptop]

All: Oh! Yeah!

Daniel: And Jinx! I give you the moms on a group FaceTime call.

[puts the video call on TV]

Moms: We are so excited!

Kate: Brad! Honey, you look skinnier. You eating?

Aidy: Dylan, you need to sleep more. You look exhausted.

Cecily: Gael, I’m going to wear a two piece bathing suit. Will that embarrass you?

Gael: I mean, I don’t know. It kind of would, mom.

Cecily: Well, I’m wearing it!

Daniel: This weekend’s gonna be epic!

Gael: No! No, it’s not, dude! It’s gonna suck!

[Cut to picture of Gael and his mom enjoying the party getting drunk.]

 

Whats Your Type

DJ Snizz… Ego Nwodim

Tampa Bay Janae… Cecily Strong

Kendra… Regina King

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Link… Mikey Day

[Starts with “What’s Your Type?” intro]

DJ Snizz: Hey, y’all. It’s what’s your type where we match a sexy single with her perfect man. Here’s your host, the girl who got famous by pulling her butt cheeks apart on snapchat, it’s Tampa Bay Janae.

[Tampa walks in]

Tampa: Yes. Boo for it, bitch. I’m famous. Y’all know me @tbayjanae Insta, and Miss Tampa Janae on Onlyfans, if you want to pay to see me naked. DJ Snizz, who’s today’s sexy single?

DJ Snizz: She’s a Marketing Supervisor from Oakland who’s 39 and half years old. It’s Kendra.

[Kendra walks in]

Tampa: Hey. How are you feeling, Kendra?

Kendra: I don’t love that you guys did my exact age, but I’m good.

Tampa: Hell, yeah. Now, based on Kendra’s side, we found three potential love matches. But she can only pick one for that hell of romantic date on us. So Kendra, tell us…

DJ Snizz and Tampa: What’s… Your…

Tampa: NO! Only me. It’s just me for this part. What’s… your… type?

Kendra: Well, I’m looking for a sure thing. A man that will worship me. That’s why I want a cringy white dude in his early 40s. Corny, awkward or douche, this freak likes to binge on cringe.

Tampa: Well Kendra, it was not hard to find three single cringy white dudes of a certain age. Let’s meet them. First, we got Matt Stainer.

Matt: Kendra, how psyched are you on Kamala Harris? I support strong women and if you don’t, shame on you. You should die.

DJ Snizz: [shaking her head no] I ain’t like that. Um-umm.

Kendra: That is some top-shelf cringe right there. Mama likey.

Tampa: You’re serious? Okay. Alright, next is Kevin Farkiss.

Kevin: Kendra, this song’s for you, my queen. Two, three, four.

[singing] say one, two, three
princess, kneel before you
just go ahead now and pick me
and I will adore you

Did I mention that I’m a musician? Thank you.

Kendra: Ooh, baby. Who wouldn’t like that?

Tampa: Well, looks like DJ Snizz didn’t love it. She looks like she’s in a Japanese horror movie right now.

Kendra: Well, Kevin has got it going on. Ding, I’m cooked. America, I’m officially in heat.

Tampa: At least someone is. And finally, meet Link Bronwin.

Link: Hello, Kindra. Happy black history month to you.

DJ Snizz: No. No, no, no. No.

Link: They told us to say something flirty here, but forgive me, I’m not the best at being flirty. Oh, I can feel my face getting red. I’m crushing and burning. I’ll be in here. [Link hides inside his sweater]

Kendra: Do me right now. [Kendra runs towards Link. Tampa stops her.]

Tampa: No, no, no. Come back. Not yet. Okay. Looks like you’re feeling link, huh?

Kendra: Um, Yeah. Can I do that? Oh, I’m a puddle right now.

Tampa: You are? Okay. Because I’m a desert. DJ Snizz hated it so much, she just melted like a witch from OZ. Well Kendra, now is your chance to get to know these guys better by asking a sexy question.

Kendra: Alright, boys. What do you think is your sexiest quality? Matt?

Matt: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the barriers broken down by Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Rest in power.

Kendra: Put my tongue back in my mouth. Okay, I’m liking that dumb ass. Kevin, same question.

Kevin: My sexiest qualitae, I’m told me lips, but to find out, you’re just going to have to…

[singing] Kiss me, down by the broken tree house

Tampa: We have to pay money when you sing these songs. So please, stop.

Kendra: Link, what’s sexiest about you, baby?

Link: Hmm, my weiner. No. Just kidding. Probably my sense of humor. Jokes and stuffies. Impressions. [doing the impression] Uh-huh, I’m a French man, you escago! Oh, that bombed. Oh, no. Please get the camera off of me.

Kendra: Check please.

Tampa: Okay. I think I just got menopause. So, who’s it going to be, Kendra?

Kendra: I knew from the moment he made eye contact with me. Link. That weird man right there is king of cringe.

Tampa: Okay. Say hi to your guy, Link Bronwin.

Link: Yeah.

[Kendra and Link walk to each other]

Okay, I’m going to hug you now. [awkward movements and kisses her shoulder] I don’t know why I did that.

Kendra: That was as sexiest hug I’ve ever had. Please come with me, you cringy son of a bitch.

[Kendra takes Link to the backstage]

Tampa: Okay, well, have fun, lovebirds. When we come back, we got a performance by TikTok rapper, Lil’ Idiot.

December to Remember Car Commercial

Nathan… Beck Bennett

Cathy… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Timothée Chalamet

Mike… Mikey Day

[Starts with a father, mother and their son sitting near their Christmas decoration.]

Nathan: Yes, it’ll fit perfectly. Hey, Matt, I think there might be one more gift for your mom right there.

[Matt brings the gift box for Cathy.]

Female voice: It hasn’t been a normal year. So this Christmas, get her something extra ordinary during the Lexux December to Remember sale event.

[There’s a Lexus car key inside the box.]

Cathy: Nathan, you didn’t.

Nathan: With flexible financing and 0% APR, there has never been a better time to buy or lease a new Lexus.

[Nathan runs outside. There’s a very nice car there.]

Matt: Wow!

Nathan: Merry Christmas, baby.

Cathy: [angry] Are you fucking kidding me Nathan? Did you seriously buy a car without asking me?

Nathan: Well, because for Christmas.

Cathy: This is a major purchase.

Nathan: Right. But it was a December to remember.

Cathy: It’s a Lexus. We don’t have the money for this, Nathan.

Matt: We don’t?

Cathy: No, we don’t. Your father doesn’t– Your father hasn’t worked since last March.

Matt: What?

Nathan: Yeah. Covid has hit a lot of people hard and I’m no exception.

Cathy: Nathan, you got fired in March 2019. Covid had nothing to do with it.

Nathan: Hey pal. I guess your old man’s busted.

[Cut to Lexus car commercial]

Female voice: It’s beginning to look a lot like savings. So, get to your local Lexus dealer today.

Cathy: How much did you spend on this ridiculous car, Nathan?

Nathan: It was only 3999 to it’s signing. Four grand. It’s not that much, babe.

Cathy: And how much is the monthly payment?

Nathan: The what?

Cathy: Did you think this entire car cost $4000?

Nathan: Uh-huh.

Cathy: There’s a monthly payment.

Nathan: Yes. With 0% apur. I think it’s all good.

Cathy: Apur? Do you mean APR?

Nathan: I’m pretty sure it’s apur.

Matt: Wow. Just, wow.

Nathan: Hey, come on. It’s Christmas. This is good. I did a good thing for us. [takes a can of beer out of his pocket] Let’s enjoy it. [drinks the beer]

Matt: Dad, it’s nine in the morning.

Nathan: So? It’s not like I have work later. Ha-ha. Come on!

[a neighbor walks to them.]

Mike: Hey.

Nathan: Hey, neighbor.

Mike: You bought a Lexus? You come to me three weeks ago, “Oh, Mike, help me. I need money. I can’t buy Christmas gifts for my family. My wife doesn’t respect me.”

Nathan: I didn’t say that.

Mike: My wife’s cheating on me with everyone.

Matt: Mom, you are? [Cathy just looks away]

Mike: I want to look cool in front of my son’s girlfriend.

Matt: Ew, dad! Is that why you pierced your ear?

Nathan: No, I’ve had this forever. [his piercing is fresh and bleeding]

Mike: I just need five grand to get back on my feet. And then you buy a Lexus?

Nathan: Yes. Well, it was beginning to look a lot like savings at my Lexus dealer.

Mike: I want my money back, man. Tomorrow! [looks at Cathy] Hey, Cathy. [Cathy waves at him with flirty looks]

Nathan: What is that look?

Cathy: You know what? We’re taking this car back to the dealership now.

Matt: I better drive.

Nathan: Maybe we stop by Jenna’s on the way over. She this cool car your dad got. Hah?

Cathy: Shut up.

Female voice: Give the gift of Lexus. And definitely, talk it over first.

Sasquatch

Melissa Villaseñor

Jackie… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Sterling K. Brown

Randy… Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

[Cut to a video of jungle myst. The caption reads “It came from the woods.”]

[Cut to five people enjoying campfire in Chauncey State Park at 11:43 PM.]

Melissa: Hey, Jackie. You’re gonna sneak into Matt’s tent again tonight and get down?

All: Ooh!

Jackie: Shut up. We didn’t have like, full on sex.

Matt: We made love over the clothes.

[Jackie looks at Matt angrily]

[there’s some animal sound coming from the bushes.]

Randy: You guys hear that? [Everybody stands. Randy walks near the bushes.] Hello?

[Something walks out of the bushes]

Jackie: Matt, what the hell is that?

Matt: Randy, freeze. I think that’s a Sasquatch.

Pete: Yo! That’s Bigfoot. Yo, I gotta get a selfie.

Matt: No! Everybody stay absolutely still. I watch a lot of monkey man on Discovery. Apes feel threatened by sudden movements.

[The Sasquatch is near Randy]

Randy: [doing hand gestures] Me. Friend. Me nice. No hurt. Friends. Friends. Friends. Me, you, the same.

[Sasquatch punches Randy]

Oh! What the hell! Matt!

Matt: Don’t freak out.

[Sasquatch is putting his fingers in Randy’s mouth.]

Randy: Matt? Matt? He wants to put his fingers in my mouth, Matt!

Matt: Bro, just let him do it. He is establishing dominance.

Randy: Oh, they smell like dried poo. Am I gonna get sick?

Jackie: Let him, Randy. God!

Randy: Matt! Get the shotgun out of your car!

Matt: Buckshot will barely leave a mark on this thing. [calling the Sasquatch] Hey! [moves near the fire] Fire! Huh? Hot. Warm.

[Sasquatch walks to the fire]

Randy: Fire.

[Sasquatch burns himself, runs backward and beats Randy.]

Matt: Oh, damn!

Randy: No! [yelling] No! Me strong. No, me strong. Me alpha. [Sasquatch and Randy growl at each other] You go. [Randy pushes Sasquatch and it leaves.] Yes, that’s right. [to his friends] What you think about that, Matt? King Kong ain’t got nothing.

[Sasquatch runs in and hits Randy. Randy falls down.]

Oh, Matt!

[Sasquatch pulls Randy up]

Okay!

Matt: Just go with him, Randy. You challenged him. So he is shaming you now.

Randy: Matt! He is making me hold his part.

Matt: Primates do this. I think it’s very common, maybe. He’s showing how non threatening you are.

[Sasquatch takes Randy’s hat and pees on it.]

Randy: Oh! He’s peeing on my hat, Matt!

Matt: He’s marking you. The process has begun.

[Pete is taking pictures of Sasquatch and Randy]

Randy: Don’t post that.

[Sasquatch gestures for Randy to put the hat back on.]

Put it on? Oh!

Matt: Oh, bro. That’s not good.

[Sasquatch pulls Randy towards the fire.]

Randy: What are you doing? Matt? Matt?

Matt: Just let him do it, Randy.

[Sasquatch makes Randy sit near the fire. He is placing his butt on Randy’s shoulders.]

Randy: What is this?

Pete: Ha-ha-ha-h.

Randy: Wiping his ass on my hat.

Matt: It will be over before you know it, bro.
Pete: Randy, catch!

[Pete throws a baseball bat to Randy. Randy catches it.]

Randy: [pointing the bat to the Sasquatch] Batter up!

[Sasquatch punches Randy again. It takes the baseball bat and starts hitting Randy with it. Randy runs into the tent.]

Matt, he has the bat.

[Sasquatch runs to the tend and start hitting it from the outside. It pulls the whole tent into the bushes.]

Jackie: Oh, no. Randy. He is–

[Randy jumps in]

Randy: Right here. I slipped out the back-flap of the tent. He may have a big foot, but I have a big brain.

[Sasquatch runs in near Randy again]

Matt?

[Sasquatch punches Randy into the sky.]

Food Dudes

Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Beck getting in his hotel room]

Female voice: It’s happening again. You’re drunk and you’re ordering food.

Beck: [on the phone] Hey, ya, I’ll do the buffalo wings, some calamari, bacon cheese burger and maybe some fries. And onion rings too.

[split screen to Beck on left and Melissa on right.]

Melissa: And how many people will be dining?

Beck: Um, four.

Melissa: Uh-huh.

Female voice: You told her there were four people dining but it’s really just you. Or is it?

[Beck snaps is fingers and three dummies wearing clothes appear behind him]

Introducing Food Dudes. Three realistic mannequins that can sit with you when the food gets delivered, so no one thinks you’re an animal.

[Cut to Melissa brings in the food at Beck’s door.]

Melissa: Room service for four. I guess, this was a reasonable order.

Female voice: Plus, Food Dudes are noticeably overweight. [All the mannequins have big bellies] So everyone thinks they ordered most of the food.

[Cut to three mannequins and Beck with food on the table before them. Melissa is looking at them.]

Beck: These guys, am I right? What a bunch of slobs.

Melissa: Hold up! [Cut to Melissa] I wanna see one of them eat.

Female voice: Don’t worry. Food Dudes are completely motorized so they can realistically pick up and ingest human food.

[One mannequin picks up and eats the food.]

Melissa: I’m convinced. They’re real guys.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha.

Female voice: And best of all, the inside of each Food Dude is a fully functioning microwave [Beck opens the mannequin’s pant and it’s butt is the microwave.] So when you’re alone again, simply open up the mannequin’s rear end an enjoy the rest of your meal.

Beck: Umm, piping hot.

[Cut to Matt ordering food]

Female voice: And Food Dudes can talk, so they’re perfect for shameless deliveries.

[Cut to Mikey delivering food at Matt’s door]

Mikey: Yeah, I got two large pizzas for Matt.

Matt: Um, well they’re not just for me.

Mikey: Dude, come on!

[Cut to mannequins talking]

Mannequin: Hey, hurry up with the food we’re all splitting.

Mannequin: Yeah, the other three of us are starving.

Mannequin: Plus, we’re noticeably overweight.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey:  Wow! I was wrong. Have fun with your diverse friends.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt: Thanks Food Dudes!

Female voice: And Food Dudes are easy to transport in their Food Dude Cocoons.

[Cut to Beck transporting his mannequins on a hospital bed]

[Melissa waves her hand at Beck and Beck smiles]

And they’re perfect for drive-throughs too.

[Cut to Kenan at the drive-through. He has the mannequins on his passenger seats.]

Kenan: Yeah, can I get 24 cheese burgers? And it ain’t all for me. These mannequins are gonna have some too.

Drive through: Excuse me?

[A mannequin sitting at Kenan’s back puts it’s hand on Kenan’s shoulder]

Mannequin: Thank you, daddy.

Kenan: It’s creeping me though.

Female voice: Food Dudes, not for sex.

[The End]