Matt… Kyle Mooney
Tanya… Cecily Strong
Nate… Chris Redd
Announcer… Mikey Day
Sarah… Zoë Kravitz
Sarah’s husband… Martin Herlihy[Starts with Nate giving toast for his friends’ wedding]
Nate: You know, I always got the sense that Matt looked down on me. But that’s only because he’s two inches taller. But I’m so happy for you, buddy. I love you, bro. To Matt and Tanya. Cheers.[Announcer walks up]
Announcer: Okay, how about a hand for Matt’s best man, Nate? Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m chewing that was just an incredibly short speech. It opened with the look down on me, Joe. And then it just kind of ended a few sentences later. I was sure it would be longer, which is why I took a bite of food, but I was wrong. But still a very nice speech from Nate. Okay, now let’s hear from the maid of honor, Tanya’s best friend, Sarah. Come on up, Sarah.[Sarah walks up]
Sarah: Hi, I’m Sarah. Matt, let me tell you something. You’re really lucky guy. Because Tanya is the best girl in the world.
Matt: Aw. Yeah, she is.
Sarah: Girl’s like a sister to me. And not just because we both seen my dad naked.
Matt: [feeling uncomfortable but smiling] Okay.
Sarah: She’s always had my back. Even when nobody else agreed with me, she always said, “Sarah, if you’re sober enough to drive, then I believe you.” And that meant the world to me, girly. And when I’d stumble, when I’d make a mistake, she’d never make me feel bad. She’d say “Girlie, don’t beat yourself up. Nobody knew that thing was loaded.”
Matt: Did she shoot someone?
Tanya: Shh, babe, I’m trying to listen.
Sarah: And when she’s going through a tough time herself, she doesn’t complain. No. She dances, professionally.
Matt: What kind of dancing?
Tanya: Babe, shh!
Sarah: She’s not perfect.
Tanya: No way.
Matt: What kind of dancing?
Sarah: She’s been a bit of a bride Zilla. And not just because she’s attacked a lot of Japanese people. I am in awe of her. I don’t know about all of you. But if nine of my last boyfriends killed themselves, I would give up on romance. But not Tanya.
Matt: She’s joking, right?
Sarah: She believes in love. When I started dating my now husband, she was so happy for me. Everyone else said, “You’re a monster.” But what did you say, Girlie?
Tanya: You’re not a monster. You’re just his math teacher.
Sarah: That’s right. Love is love. Right baby?
Sarah’s husband: [pouring salt on his food. He is very young.] No doubt.
Sarah: But most of all, Tanya is brave. Girlie, I know you remember this? We were at a protest fighting for justice and you got right in that cop’s face. No fear at all. And do you remember what you said?
Tanya: I’m storming the Capitol and I’m gonna kill Mike Pence.[Now Sarah is starting to get worried]
Sarah: That’s right. And Matt, you make her so happy. I don’t want to embarrass anyone. But when you guys first got together, Tanya and I were having some girl talk and I said, you know, how’s the chemistry in the bedroom?
Matt: [laughing] No. Hey, here we go.
Sarah: And she said he’s trying his best.[Matt is disappointed]
And that’s what makes Matt different from the hundreds and hundreds of other guys that she’s dragged home over the year.
Tanya: Shh, baby!
Sarah: I’m sure maybe he’s not famous like Steve O’ from Jackass or Wee Man from Jackass. Maybe he’s not mysterious, like Bam from Jackass. But he puts in the work like Johnny Knoxville from Jackass.
Matt: So you just got with the whole Jackass gang?
Tanya: Honey, I listened to your friend speech. Okay?
Sarah: She loved you right away, Matt. After your first date, she said I met my person. And she deleted all the dating apps, Match, Tinder, ChokePony, Tour Dark Web browser, all of them? At least I think she did. Ha-ha-ha.
Tanya: No, I did. Come on. You can check my phone. [pulls out three phones out of her purse]
Matt: Why do you have three phones?
Sarah: So yeah, she loves you, man. And I know when she’s finally able to get her kids back, they’re gonna love you too.
Matt: What kids?
Sarah: And all those kids’ dads are gonna respect you.
Matt: What kids and what dads?
Sarah: Not every man who has the courage to marry Suge Knight’s ex. But you do Matt. You do. So congrats to both of you. Cheers.
Tanya: Thanks, girlie.
Matt: [thinking to himself] I’m gonna die.